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tv   The Greg Gutfeld Show  FOX News  March 23, 2019 10:00pm-11:00pm PDT

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♪ my favorite name in the whole trump-russia probe. if there wasn't a person involved in this information gamed brendan van grabbing, you would have to invent one. greg: chris cuomo is off this week so that's all we've got. [cheers and applause] all right. as the democratic field of conditioned dates grows wider and wider like a giant fungus in a corner stall in a public bathroom, their ideas seem flakier than bernie sanders shoulders. lower the voting age to 16. yeah, that's smart.
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you know what i was doing when i was 16? [laughter] [bleep] didn't worry. i was fine. but yeah, let's let people who eat tide pods vote. why not include raccoonance lawd lawn furniture. they want more judges and term limits. i agree. we need to update the court. it's old. for one, i would like the sea se the robes replaced from their current look. more like - something like this. [laughter] but that's just me. the candidates also want to trash the electoral college because they lost. how dumb is that? remember when you were young and played tag, there was that one kid who once he was it decided he didn't want to play anymore? that's the democrats.
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[cheers and applause] you notice a trend. their ideas, they actually don't help the voter. they help the candidate to win and they're trying so hard to seem interesting. take john hickenlooper, a guy whose name sound like a medical device from the victorian age. fetch me the hickenlooper. any yai, this is really od. >odd.>> you went to see an x-rad movie with your mother? >> we didn't know what it was. we thought it was naughty but didn't think it was that bad. so i took my mother to see "deep throat." she said well, i thought the lighting was very good in the movie. greg: while i would turn beat red watching tv with my parents when a commercial for a feminine hygiene product came on, he's taking his mom to see "deep
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throat." i think i like him. meanwhile, did you know that after beto lost to ted cruz he actually ate dirt? he ate regenerative dirt to cope with refeet. hdefeat.he didn't just hit the e ate the road. that guy, he's weird. wherever he goes, he has to stand on counters where people eat. the guy thinks he's norma ray. look, dude, just because you eat dirt doesn't mean we want to taste the crap on the bottom of your shoes too. he also wants to abolish the electoral college. but i guess if he can't win, change the way the game is played. we can play that game too. >> what's better, the popular vote or the electoral college. what if it's neither? interestininteresting the maroo. if you have purchased i music by maroon 5 you cannot vote.
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instead you're pelted by fruit while the rest of us vote. if you hate maroon 5 and have proven so, you get to vote as many times as you like. each vote wins you a delicious ice cream sunday while you're sere nateed by don lemon and chris cuomo. ♪ guys like us, we had it made, those were the days ♪ >> if adam levine removes his shirt at any time, the election is canceled and the victory is awarded to the my pillow guy. ♪ paid for by the people who hate maroon 5. greg: yes! there are many, many of them. okay. [applause] so the democrats are idea challenged mainly because they spend three years chasing
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conspiracy instead of improving the country. instead of an idea, their message is hey, everyone, we're almost human. a candidate suddenly announces he's in love with a movie star, another tries to drink a beer. and here's one working out. yeah, that's not how you work out, lady. do i have to show you my workout? ♪ ♪ >> come on, this is not enough weight. greg: no it isn't, my friend. the more sincere the candidates act the more phony they act. they've replaced a pulse with a
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focus group. trump can infuriate you or entertain you but he's more real than all of them combined. remember when he said this? >> you do love your dogs, don't you? i wouldn't mind having one honestly but i don't have any time. how would i look walking a dog on the white house lawn. feels a little phony to me. greg: he says this knowing that america loves their dogs more than their own kids. and yet, he didn't get an f. more important, remember when he said this too? >> in 2016 everything red is isis. when i took it over it was a mess. now on the bottom, that's the exact same. there is no red. in fact there's actually a tiny spot which will be gone by tonight. [laughter] greg: it's not over. so just a little spot and it
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will be gone by tonight. and guess what, it was! and boy, does he love that chart. >> where the hell is that chart, folks. they gave me all economic charts. they department give me the isis chart. this is all isis. now on the bottom, that's as of today, this is isis. there's none. the caliphate is gone as of tonight. isis on election day, here's isis right now. if you look. so there's isis and that's what we have right now as of last night. that's what we have right now. you guys can have the map. congratulations. [applause] greg: you can have the map. congratulations. that last isis strong mool holds gone as promise. i'm old enough to know that nothing is ever over.
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there was al qaeda and then isis. something worse could follow that too. that's why we need an adult in charge. now trump is far from perfect but unlike the competition acting human comes naturally and unlike the competition he's unleashed the economy, destroyed isis, put more people to work in modern history. [cheers and applause] greg: you don't have to like him. but the dems, they're like baby giraffes trying to walk. sure trump says things that piss everyone off. but he said he was going to destroy isis and he did. when you get that right you can get the others wrong. i would vrt have a jerk who kills terrorists than a nice guy who won't. [cheers and applause] let's welcome tonight's guest, she's sharp and bright like a dagger made of light bulbs, fox
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news contributor, morgan ortega. [applause] his jokes are drier than an es eskimo's lips, write enand comedian, david angelo. [applause] her glasses are fake but her insight is real. podcast kat. he never needed a booster seat, former wwe superstar, my side kick tyrus. [cheers and applause] before we begin, a funny thing happened just before we started taping the show. the mueller report was delivered to the attorney general and none of the details of the report were made public at the time that we taped. here's what i can tell you if it's saturday night and the details are public and there's a big whopper in there, i'm not on right now. someone else is.
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you can't see that beautiful face. if i'm on right now it could mean that the mueller report is under raps, it's not that newsworthy or maybe it's newsworthy and it's been hashed out all day long and we're here to give you some relief. but without knowing what's in it we can't discuss it. so we're going to stick to the 2020 race and isis. what do you think about the whole isis news? >> i'm glad they're dead. [applause] greg: do you say that about a lot of things in. >> that's true, to be fair. i mean, listen, we can't underscore -- it's like a massive accomplishmen accompliss administration did. and the map was funny when was like this spot is going to be gone later tonight. but it's true. there are a lot of credit to the allies on the ground, men and women, my friends in the reserves activated who have been there fighting this. i want to say thank you, america. you rock.
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greg: yes [cheers and applause] i would like to thank myself. >> it's all about you. greg: i have done a lot without ever leaving an air-conditioned studio. david, i want to ask you about the candidates. what are you thoughts about the 2020 field? >> this field, these -- i don't -- none of them look appealing. none of them. greg: none of them? >> democrats, do you not understand this they are crazy people? you know what i mean? it's like they didn't know -- they think hillary is honest, they think beto is honest and ocasio-cortez is smart. and beto, in the higher ash ki f mysteries, who built stonehenge and why is beto someone that we're talking about. who is this guy? greg: he reflects everybody in the media.
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he's a white male and he looks like ever editor i've ever worked with and that's why they like him. i think, kat, the actual candidate is missing, right? don't you feel like it? >> i do. all week i could not stop thinking about how all democrats made such a big deal about all of the mcdonald's that trump drinks and all of the diet coke coke -- or the mcdonald's that he's and the diet coke that he drinks. cnn did investigative panels about it. and we have beto eating dirt, like [bleep] dirt. my cat won't do that and he is a cat. and i love how democrats are supposed to be the party of science but we have beto who thinks you can regenerate yourself by eating the ground. greg: yes. >> i don't know how i'm supposed to believe him saying that the world is supposed to end in ten years when he's a human man trying to regenerate himself by
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eating dirt. drink a gatorade, what are you doing? greg: then he left his family tooling around the country depressed. this is our next president. >> i think it's okay to have a expressed president. greg: that's right. i don't know what that means. >> i want to talk about that creepy dude going to the porno with his mom momma. greg: he didn't want her to be alone that night. >> i don't care if she's die from cancer. my momma ain't going to a damn porno. he said he liked the lighting. at that time the reporter should have said, thank you for your time. get off my stage. this is the reason the dude can't be president. there was an uncomfortable situation that required a skill set to get out of it. me and my boy are going to see "deep throat." momma says tyrus i'm going with
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you. i would punch my friend in the face right in front of my mom. i get sent to my room, he has to go home, we don't go to the movies. problem averted. that's leadership. greg: the thing that bothers me. >> sharing popcorn with your momma. she's like wow, the lighting is greeting. greg: the problem with john hickenlooper is that he's a liar. the lighting was terrible in "deep throat." up next, george conway versus donald trump. you couldn't ask for a better family feud if richard - in a crossfit gym, we're really engaged with who we are as people and making everybody feel welcome. ordering custom ink t-shirts has been a really smart decision for our business. - [narrator] custom ink has hundreds of products and free shipping. upload your logo or start your design today at customink.com. upload your logo or start your design today named 'park' in the u.s. ninety-six hundred roads it's america's most popular street name. but no matter what park you live on,
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beyond traditional tv. to tv on any device. beyond low-res surveillance video. to crystal clear hd video monitoring from anywhere. gig-fueled apps that exceed expectations. comcast business. beyond fast. greg: it's getting rude, this feud between trump and kelly ann's dude, his name george conway. these days he's known for mean tweets about the press which pr. this week conway said trump was unfit for office adding that he had a personality disorder. join the club. trump tweeted back calling him a total loser. amazing. [applause] then he called him a stone-cold loser. and then a whack job.
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>> he's a whack job, there's no question about it. >> no question about it. then george called trump the worst kind of dumb, then kelly ann said she would like george to button it because you can tell your husband to button it but you can't tell you boz that whether he's trump or not. did george button it? no. he called the president mentally unstable again. but this is the trump show and george conway is two characters combined. he's part newman and part mr. roper. [applause] yeah. anyway, doesn't look like either trump or conway is going to back down. if only there were a way to resolve this peacefully. >> look, dick, you know what i do for a living. i work for donald trump. so you hate him. just support me. stop making my life so difficult that's fine but i just can't stay silent about how truly awful he is. he's awful. deplorable.
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worst president ever. >> dick, i'm your wife. think about me, not him. >> oh, this is hopeless. >> sounds like you need a divorce. >> divorce? what's that? >> divorce is when you legally separate from your spouse. side effects include losing half of your net worth, knocking three years off of your life and lasting three on your children and having to enter the dating world in your least attractive age and living in a small can do for one. >> divorce sounds bad. >> then you should stop being a [bleep]. >> he's right. i don't want to get divorced. i'm in my middle age, lost most of my attractiveness, kids would be scarred and at this point no woman would have me. i would im foolish to destroy my marriage over foolish differences. thanks announcing guy. >> no problem. we hav can determine that donald trump has been elected for four more years. >> looks like like donald trump
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swept the election in a landslide. another four years. >> that's great. i'm so proud of you honey, so proud. >> brought to you buy radio shack. pr[applause] greg: that was a crazy ending. david, why are they still together? i have some thoughts. the sex must be incredible. shut up! everybody is thinking that. >> i can speak for everyone. nobody thought of that. >> you would think the sex could be incredible. then i saw a photo of the guy and i'm like, that theory is out. greg: what are your thoughts on this in. >> this guy is crazy.
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i know everyone hates trump, everyone hates kellyanne conway, but if you were just a woman with a husband who's harassing your boss, it's abusive behavior. but it's like we hate trump, yes, go george conway. greg: yeah. >> so weird. greg: kat, you have been in some strange relationships. what do you make of this one? >> well, greg, it's true that -- greg: you make them public. >> i do make them public. it's true that i have actually spent most of my adult life living alone with a cat. so i might not know the most about marriage, but i know that i don't want this, you know. greg: yeah. >> if my husband -- if i had a husband and he was writing mean things about my boss on the internet, i would be like what
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in the hell are you doing. but also, if i had a husband, it sounds so weird to even say. if i had a husband and his boss was saying mean things about me, like that i was the wife from hell and he was just like -- i would not care for that either. whether i would or would not be the wife from hell would be irrelevant in that case, because he is kind of the husband from hell. you just make fun of the boss behind his back like a normal person. greg: exactly. tyrus? [applause] >> what, if i had a husband? greg: does it surprise you that kellyanne sided with trump? >> no, it doesn't. she is the epitome of what a feminist is supposed to be. she's a strong woman. she's tough, does a great job. she's one of the big reasons why he's in office and one of his most trusted advisers and he's s
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at a place historically, he has the ear of the president. what her husband is doing is terrible. i have not liked bosses, people, brother-in-laws, parents, friends, neighbors. greg: a lot of people. >> i'm like real. meet my mom. hell no. but if she threatened to cut off bedroom privileges, i'm friends with everybody. it's nuf none of my business. >> what do you mean bedroom privileges? got it. thank you. greg: see, everybody is thinking about it. >> she should cut him off. might be that would slow him down. she's wrong. shouldn't be doing that. should be ashamed of himself. i almost forgot. i know we got the footage of it. when trump called him mrs., we'd has to fight. you can't come back from that. that's the ultimate diss. your wife wears the pants. >> i only get married if i force
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my husband to change his name legally to mrs. kat timpf. greg: morgan, we're in a time when the president is going to war on twitter as opposed to war somewhere else. >> that's a good way of looking at it. greg: thank you. >> i think it's more like the real housewives of the west wing. and i love the real housewives so i say this adoringly. we need andy cohen and we need the reunion episode, you know, at the end of the "real housewives" where they get together and the husbands come in and hash it out. if we want to have world peace between the president and george conway, it's andy cohen. greg: that's interesting. are you trying to get on his show? this show is pretty interesting. >> i'm with you, greg. you have my heart. >> i wish your husband was here to talk trash about you right now. >> he knows better. i would kill him. he wouldn't try that with me.
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greg: the surprising study of the wonderful effects of metal chicken?! chicken. chicken! that's right, candace-- new chicken creations from starkist. buffalo style chicken in a pouch--
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[♪] aishah: live from "america's news headquarters." voters heading to the polls for thailand's first election since the military coup. opponents hope to win in spite
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of what they say is a system designed to keep other political parties out of power. a mining dam in brazil collapses in january killing hundreds of people. now the company that owns the dam says another could collapse at any minute. protesters march in pittsburgh after a police officer is acquitted for the killing of an unarmed teenager. antoine rhodes was shot as he ran from a car involved in a drive-by shooting. greg: does this finally settle the debate over death metal. listening to death metal music does not desensitize you to violence as everybody used to say. actually it inspires joy. researchers had fans and not fans listen to death metal and
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pop while looking at disturbing images to see how it affecting their sensitive toy to violence. met call heads are just as sensitive to violence as everyone else within your parents, your principal and tipper gore are all wrong and owe you the metal head an apology. the dominant response to the music is joy and empowerment. for more on this story we've got lars on the phone, the lead singer of if band satan's groin. lars, this is a ground-breaking study. what was the reaction when you heard the news? >> don't you worry about your
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songs inspiring violence? >> i can see that. it's great song. do you worry this study will ruin your image in the world at large? greg: thanks, i have been hitting the gym more often. we should hang out this weekend, lars.
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fair enough. thanks lars. did you ever go through a death metal phase? >> uh-huh. greg: when in. >> in high school. but this didn't surprise me at all. because it's just media, right? it's just media. i watch mostly "teen mom" and true crime shows about murder and yet i've never given birth and i've never given death, is that a thing? seriously, i also watch a lot of "toddlers and tiaras" never put a tiara on a child. watch a lot of intervention. played a lot of mario kart, still can't drive dpp if this if this were drew i would be a
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serial killer crack smoking lady with three kids from three different fathers with a passion for children's choreography and my paren apartment would be litd with dead bodies and children and it just isn't, greg. not to brag. people overblow it. and if you do something messed up and blame it on media, you probably were messed up to pe again with. greg: morgan? agree? dits agree? >disagree?>> i agree but why dik like a white walker. >> that's the issue you had with that? greg: he had quite the voice. >> we're misleading our viewers a little bit. we didn't say who paid for the story. greg: who did? >> the church of satan and the cannabis corporation of america. greg: we tepped to leave that out. good joke, though. >> i had to prepare. to be honest. >> music has affected my life a
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little bit. i like rock and i ride a recumbent bicycle. greg: i don't even get that. >> i don't know. death metal, i think it does make people violent. my neighbor listens to death metal and i'm ready to go over there and kill him every night of the week. greg: tyrus, thoughts? >> between dude going to porns with his momma and you have a conversation with your creepy -- i don't know, man. that affected me. that particular media affected me. i thought about walking over there and bopping you in the head. death metal is a little too fast for me. when i lift weights i like ak a- ac/dc. excuse me, that's my song. if you like death metal, do you
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thing. i mean no one else is going to do it with you because you're weird as hell. >> it's hard to pick a fight with a death metal fan. try to insult me. greg: you look like you're dead. >> i can't hear you. my ears are broken. greg: you know what's interesting? so it makes me think about all of the metal heads that we were warned about in the 1980s, it's been 30, 40 years and they've all become well-adjusted people. if you don't believe me, i have before and afters. these were people in metal bands in the '80s and now what are they doing? this is the first guy, he was in a band and this is him now. check out this guy. he was kind of big in the '90s in norway. everybody, that's president bush, in case you can't
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recognize him. check out this guy. look at him. he looks a little scary. [laughter] people don't know. three platinum albums in scandinavia. last but not least you may recognize her, or maybe you don't. but very surprising. she became that. [applause] greg: coming up, the executive order that will change the universe and everything in it. well, maybe not everything.
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greg: the money is out of reach, if you don't back free speech. president trump, if that's his real name, signed an executive order to ensure that college campuses without support financial speech or face consequences. if they want the federal grants, they need to protect everyone's right to free speech. and when i say everyone, i mean anyone to the right of carl
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marx. right now when they tolerate trigger spaces, they're not tolerating free speech. i wonder will all of that change starting right now. >> starting right now we're dealing with billions and billions of dollars. taxpayer dollars could not sub subsidize institutions. greg: for reaction, to a college safe space. [ crying ]. greg: do you think, tyrus, like when trump leaves office is this going to get reversed, even though it's a great idea? >> we have the first amendment for a reason and this is a reminder. i think it's a good stern warning. we're not protecting -- certain schools are getting out of control. berkeley is out of control. they're not protecting speakers.
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i remember in college when we had guests coming, even if we wanted a picture we couldn't get close to them. if i didn't like it, i didn't go. if you want to protest somethin- [cheers and applause] >> the video of the guy getting beat up at berkeley, the guy getting punched in the face and stuff like that, the fact that that even -- it never should have got that far. greg: it's crazy. the left used to lead the speech movement now they're leading against it. this is a brilliant move by trump. if you come out against it you look like you're coming out against free speech. >> i think this is all a plot by the left to attack trump university. that's what this is really about. and what colleges are safe now. they're going after the electoral college. greg: ladies and gentlemen. >> i know. i got them coming tonight for
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you. greg: you're armed. >> anyway, the whole thing is just silly. what's going on on college campuses. and the executive order doesn't do a lot but it puts the colleges on notice that receive public funding that they're going to look at the fairness aspect. that's good. since i'm still paying my student loans off, i mean, like, screw you guys. greg: yeah! some people are portraying this as government intervention, trying to protect the first amendment. that's like saying we're not going to send the national guard in when there's looting because that's government intervention. >> right. i mean you want to protect the speakers at college campuses that's why i recommend booking me to go to your college. i guarantee no riots or turnout of any kind really. the safest thing you can do. but you know, i get college kids. they got to be able to speak. but if you're born in like 2001, i don't need you -- i don't need to hear anything from them.
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it's a double-edged thing. greg: it is a double edge. i think they call it a sword. >> that's what it is. greg: kat, last word to you. do you like this? >> yeah. things on campus have gotten really bad. even innocuous phrases like you guys saying it's offensive against women. i'm a woman and i use it. does that mean i hate myself? yes, i hate myself but it has nothing to do with that. these social justice war dwrer people are good at gaining control because they have the threat of calling you a racist or a sexist. and even if people disagree they'll stay silent rather than risk being called something like that. college is a place where you're supposed to learn new stuff and in order to learn new stuff you have to hear stuff that you've never heard before. greg: and also, college is
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supposed to be fun. it's not fun anymore. angry miserable people who want you to be angry and miserable to. that's wrong. up next, do you feel intimidated a l at the gym? fact is, there are over ninety-six hundred roads named 'park' in the u.s. it's america's most popular street name. but no matter what park you live on, one of 10,000 local allstate agents knows yours. now that you know the truth, are you in good hands? when you rent from national... it's kind of like playing your own version of best ball. because here, you can choose any car in the aisle, even if it's a better car class than the one you reserved. so no matter what, you're guaranteed to have a perfect drive. [laughter]
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overweight because the gym intimidates? a rice rhyme. a new poll shows almost half of americans find it daunting to work out in a gym full of other people. so what exactly intimidates them? well for some it's the really fit people. others say it's working out in front of the opposite sex. hmmm. and others are intimidated by the exercise themselves. they call it god help me this is such a media word, gymtimidation. these hangups prevent americans from working out like they should. is this for real or another excuse by lazy jerks. i don't know. go to the gym. just stay away from guys like
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this. ♪ greg: you know, me probabl he pd that 12 times. i don't know why i care. tyrus, you don't have this problem. but i imagine you create this problem. >> yes, it's my fault. i live in my own world in the gym. i wear head phones and i wear a shirt that says no small talk. i put my bubble on. greg: that's high tus. that's directed to people like me. i'm a little guy, oh, i'm not talking to you. you make me sick. [laughter] >> i think y'all need to go to commercial for a second. look, this is an excuse. this is victim [bleep] again. you're going to work out to improve yourself, go to the gym and work out. you're goifng to make a million excuses, i don't want to go because i feel comfortable. yoyou're more comfortable sittig
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on your ass looking soggy. there are things you can do if you want to work out. the they are polls for people who have excuses for being lazy. this is the victim disaition vin go work out. greg: no one is thinking about you. >> and i recently went back to the gym because i was having trouble opening jars. that to me is the red flag. so i had to go back to the gym. and i'm the worst guy there. i'm hands down the worst guy. greg: really? >> anyone in worst shape than me should be at physical therapy. but i got a good deal at the gym. greg: what is it? >> they gave me 10% off if i told people that i wept to wento another gym. greg: you're the before. you could make a lot of money with the before. the most successful before ever.
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i'm sorry. now you're not that bad. you're just skinny and you have no muscles. >> you're not that fat. that's a compliment coming from greg. >> you look kind of like beto. greg: no! >> empathying beto i everyone es good-looking. greg: that's established by the media who are very homely. i work in media. i can say that. morgan, was this a cop out? >> if you want like your wife of your girlfriend or someone to go to the gym, buy them new cute workout clothes. this is how my husband gets me into sports. he's into snow skis. i'm from florida. he bought me a bunch of new ski clothes and i'm a skier. if you get a new outfit you always feel like doing something. get a new outfit, america, and go to the gym. greg: men don't buy outfits. men buy clothes.
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clothes. outfits, morgan, really? hey, kat. do you go to the gym? >> i have not been in a gym in years. and i completely understand this study, tyrus. the last time i went people were mean to me. they were giving me all of these dirty looks just because i was passing on the treadmill. gym people are a cult. i know they say they're not a cult. greg: i agree. >> that's exactly what people in a cult would say. i've never dated a guy a with abs. i look at that and think you telling me you can't hang out with me because you have to go to the gym again or you telling me you can't go to a new restaurant because you've steamed a week's worth of broccoli and fish and that's all you're going to eat out of your tupperware and you've already posted it on instagram. something to make me feel bad about the fact that i consider
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croutons cheese and ranch dressing to be a salad. greg: i worked in fitness for tense years. i'm that person. >> really? greg: it's hard to believe. i had low body fat. it ruled my life. i was miserable. i was ripped but miserable. when i decided to get out of te gym i was much happier and fatter. >> i think we need to see pictures to prove this. >> it's legit. greg: google greg and abs. anyway, get your tickets now for the gutfeld monologues live. next show april 6th d.c., may oklahoma and texas. special guest tom shillue.
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greg: we are out of time, thanks to our studio jesse: welcome to. "watters' world." robert mueller submitted his report on the russia investigation to attorney general william barr. sources are reporting that barr will deliver a summary letter as early as tomorrow. here are the key findings. mueller is not going to indict anybody else. and mueller was not obstructed in his investigation. so in two years no one has been charged with anything relating to russian collusion, and they won't be. abc news is reporting that president

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