first look at my next brand-new book, radicals, resistance in revenge. the left plot to remake america. i can't wait for all of you read it would wish those of you celebrating tomorrow a very happy easter. i'm jeanine. advocating for truth, justice and the american way. by my book on amazon. greg gutfeld is next to back the portion about subjecting who we charged criminally in this country and making this by popular demand doesn't work that way. >> hold on. >> abbey what was that? [laughter] greg: that is where doctor went. [applause] i am worried. all this good news has someone checked in on the press? >> my god, it was like he had failed and alzheimer's competency test.

thirty-six times he said i can't remember. >> they began the impeachment proceedings that the smaller report suggests donald trump deserves. >> this report shows what trump practices behind the scenes look like in that white house but everybody to be extremely work. >> it's all very damning and politically embarrassing. >> shameful. >> and shameful and unethical. [laughter] greg: they are like the best unintentional comedy duo. check out how many people they had on this cnn panel. look at this. [laughter] that is seven people in one free to bid. he's not really people. that's a lot of folks. they are all there to say the same thing.

>> let's focus on jeffrey. >> what is significant about the ten incidents is that there are ten of them and they all point in the same direction and in each individual instance there is -- perhaps, an innocent explanation. greg: so, each incident on its own means nothing but if you add them all up they mean something. no, you are a moron. [laughter] if each one is a zero then ten of them still equal zero. [applause] looks like -- much like jeffrey. i've never seen so many people

unhappy over good news. the president is innocent, be thrilled but also why are they so surprised? weeks ago this happened. >> special counsel robert mueller concluded there was no collusion between the term campaign and russian government in 2016. greg: that is literally a spoiler alert. the media were told what was coming and yet they still pretended like it was not going to happen but then these are t the. >> special counsel's report did not find any evidence that members of the term campaign or anyone associated with the campaign conspired or coordinated with the russian government in these hacking operations. greg: all the media got on thursday was a reminder that they got there ass handed to them one month ago. [laughter] yet it still emotionally destroyed them. it revealed the difference between normal people in the media. the more people watch a movie

and when they see the same movie again expect the same ending but the media watch the same thing over and over thinking that maybe the ending will change. maybe old yeller will live. [laughter] maybe the titanic steers around the iceberg. [laughter] maybe darth vader is not luke's dad but a progressive lesbian named doris who knits hemp booties for homeless see ats. but for us it's the same old diehard, good guy wins, that guy loses except it's america who wins in the media who loses. in this movie america is john mcclain and the media is hans gruber. [laughter] no wonder the press is a mess. they fell out of a window from a plaza and made a big splash. now they are banking on one thing, turning absence of evidence into trump must be guilty. rachel is already dining on that

now. >> i watched bark at his press comes this morning and i ran straight to the office. there's a ton of material. >> i will be busy for the next year. greg: at least. >> 400 productive pages we still got his walking into a vineyard and you're like eat the skin of a single great. we will tell you if we figured out he did not commit crimes. [laughter] is a roadmap for how to charge this president. we can torture investigate you and you can darn sure be charged when your out of office. he can be impeached. this is great one in the vineyard. [laughter] greg: you know when you are drunk and you come home to an empty kitchen and you are starving and you start squirting ketchup packets on the heels of moldy bread? that is the media trying to turn what little they have in the kitchen into a meal.

they stare at every redacted junk as if it will reveal the magical bombshell but we know better. we do. we have a special redaction removal machine and used it on the mueller reports. for example, section about mueller's team meeting with trump reads we -- the redacted part -- [cheering and applause] greg: must be true, it is in the report. here is another about trump tower meeting. trump junior, manafort and kushner participated in. the meeting lasted about 20 minutes but the redacted part -- [laughter] one more.

i sense a theme. but trump's meeting with corey lewandowski. [cheering and applause] mueller really understands great tv. frustration turns to oppression and they will go through this report and try to look for a daily position to hang the trump the trying to prove the earth is flat or the moon landing was fake. what would be a good prank? announced another less redacted report in three weeks just to watch them fall for this a third time. you keep doing this for years. bottom line, press wanted americans president to be arrested dude even if that destroy the country. don't expect them to stop they will push the mueller hysteria

because what else do they have? it up prosperous peaceful era with low implement, economical, strong military and the media can't do a thing with that so everyday on cnn or emissivity is a therapy session, collusion anonymous. they have to talk about it every day because if they don't they might do something horrible like wake up one day in 2020 and god for bid, vote for trump. [cheering and applause] greg: let's welcome tonight's guests! his name isn't the only thing long but so is his resume. tv writer and producer rob long. [cheering and applause] he is so funny he's banned from funerals. comedian joe mackey. [cheering and applause] she has a knack for not holding back host of the podcast, captains. [cheering and applause] the chrysler building is his

coat rack or ruler wwe and might massive sidekick, tyrus. [cheering and applause] all right, rob, two sections to the mueller port. one answered and the other section texts tells us what we already know about trump that he gets angry if you're coming after him that is 200 pages of that. >> book two is basically this guy is kinda governmental and unstable and starts to shout a lot of people look at it like a grandpa rant and they say grandpa, you can't shoot the neighbor kid. [laughter] then goes on to something else but the reality is the reason there is no obstruction recordation from the mueller port is because he did not ask trump about it so the only way to get somebody for this and this is great because your

auntie i talked to a lawyer for ten minutes so now i'm a lawyer. [laughter] let me tell you something, greg. here's what i know in here. you have to get inside his brain. the problem for trump, scrambled eggs up there but even if you like him. greg: i don't think he's emotional but i think he has a short attention span so we -. kat: i'm sorry, my eggs are starting to gavel. >> either way. greg: interesting commentary. >> i'm feeling sad right now. kat: all cheer for that. >> you have to get inside his head and you can't -- there's no in the report. greg: but the point is so, he's mad and should be mad as he believes he is innocent, joe, so he asked like an innocent man and pissed off. >> i'm still thinking about

scrambled eggs myself. [laughter] i don't know. to me it seems like obstruction of justice could also be interpreted as trying to defend yourself and avoid prosecution because one of the things the report outlined was that they thought the trump team told michael cohen to have answers be short and precise and that does not sound like obstruction but some like trying to avoid a perjury trap. greg: good point. little insight from joe mackey in his odd outfit. >> why are people surprised? [laughter] greg: kat, scrambled eggs aside are you surprised trump was upset about this because he believed he was innocent? kat: no. i'm not surprised. honestly he should really think most of the media and democrats because if you read the report there are instances where people on his team did things that were wrong.

right? but that seems like nothing when they spent years saying he's a literal russian agent. that is where they set the bar. is hell-bent on destroying the country so now those things they did wrong seemed like the atheist busiest little things of potatoes so he should be thinking the media for completely blowing this out of proportion and is so lucky they are continuing to do so. [applause] greg: tyrus. tyrus: . greg: one of the most overlooked findings is that you just need to be happy. tyrus: no american betrayed his country for russia. i think that is something to be excited about. [cheering and applause] the other side of that should be that little b that has been buzzing around everyone here is causing problems and now we know the team did not do what they

put out the misinformation they did and we should be working on let's stop fighting and deal with them because here's the other reality. while we been fighting amongst itself they have been having interviews with china and working with north korea and all the things happening around us this is how they can't physically take us down. our military is too strong a nation is too big but they can plant little things called ideas that we fight so much that we do not see. north korea is now going to russia for a meeting what you think they're talking about? how did you do that? how can we get on that? we don't have to agree or like each other but we need to get back to respecting each other. you didn't vote for trump, cool. i didn't i did, respect me, respect you and we need to get back to that. the real villains in this still gaining. he's not a criminal. sorry, guys. i'm really sorry a president is

not treasonous and i'm sorry his team is not but did he do bad things connect listen, i get accused of eating something i didn't all do the same thing. [applause] greg: i don't know how -- i'm not up little person and nothing about the law so but i have been a boss and why can't i fire the sky or to a meeting with this guy my ignorance is not stupidity but it's not my world. that's why when you look at trump i assume he's a boss who says why can't i fire the guy and why can't i take a meeting with this person from a tree to this and they criminalize common everyday behavior. kat: i don't know why they're so obsessed with getting the report not adapted. no collusion, no objection, what will these blackout marks a? ps.

trump is printed in a suit. i don't understand what they think it was a. tyrus: foul language in front of elderly woman. kat: if that is a crime -. greg: so trump has a new nickname for joe and nancy has a new insult for aoc. compare and contrast this next. [cheering and applause] lease the 2019 nx 300 for $359 a month for 36 months. experience amazing at your lexus dealer. what do all these people have in common, limu?oug [ paper rustling ] exactly, nothing. they're completely different people,

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greg: our single dads just shallow cads? michelle obama of the people for comparing president trump to avoid the worst dad in an interview with steven colbert, never heard of them, explain life in present-day america. >> we come from a broken family and a teenager where, you know, it's unsettled and you know having parents is tough and sometimes you spend weekend with divorced dads and feels like -- greg: wow. i hate to hear about algae and that is a bad analogy and how bad? analogies were zeppelins that would be the hindenburg. [laughter] that was an analogy? i don't know.

trying to take a shot at trump she missed and hit divorced dads instead. an article written for fatherly .com called her comments insulting because it perpetuates the idea of single dads damage their kids. meanwhile, into the target trump on a new nickname for joe biden. greg: called him sleepy which rhymes with creepy and not to be outdone nancy pelosi compared aoc to a glass of water. >> when we won this election it wasn't in districts like mine or alexandria's but however the wonderful member of congress and all our colleagues will attest for those of districts that are solidly democratic this glass of water would win with the d next to his name. [laughter] greg: to see what is going on here? everyone insulting everyone.

thanks, obama. actually, think trump from on this we go to an expert on insults. >> deicing wasted during tryouts? because i can't figure out how you made it on this thing. it's like you have bad luck every time you step on the field. >> do, you're lucky your mom is hot. >> look at it this way, you're not the worst little league pitcher on the planet but you better hope the kid that is doesn't quit. [laughter] greg: i would like him to be my single father. joe, i hope one day you get married and have kids so you can be a single dad with the marriage will last. >> probably not, greg. a lot of women find me attractive and it's hard to avoid temptation. [laughter] greg: what are your thoughts on this? i don't think america is like

teenagers with a single that but i see more a bunch scenario where widower comes together with the widow and you don't talk about what happened to their dead spouses and you have this whole household full of idiot kids trying to make this new situation work but there's no hegemony and it's free against three and everyone is acting like jan. [laughter] greg: you are right. it's the boys are the republicans, girls are the democrats and -. tyrus: you want to change that, greg. greg: never migrate but the. nevermind, nevermind. i want to go to kat. kat: this is dark and weird but i feel like you are cool enough to handle it. [laughter] i do not have divorced parents

because my mom is dead. and anyone here have a dead parent? we can talk about this. when she says this country is like having a divorce that i'm like that sounds dull. that sounds awesome. i can still see my mom back. greg: yeah, that is pretty dark. tyrus: i was depend offended by the divorced dancing. either one of my parents died my dad did disappear forever so wherever you are, george, hello. [laughter] real quick, worst part of that, you know, i have a friend who is out there 7 feet tall called tiny enemies to bodyguard

together in your speech impediment it used to drive me nuts but every time he taught -- you know, you know, you know and apparently the first lady has the same disease. you know, you know. [cheering and applause] if she did not say you know that would have been one sentence. america divorced dads. that's it. you know? my mom is dead. you know. greg: most guys don't actively seek a divorce because it's bad for your emotional, physical and financial health and you go from a big house to a studio that is close to the big house and sometimes you might see your wife's new boyfriend using your lawn tools not figuratively. >> i don't get the outrage here. trump is a divorced dad. [laughter] kat: not the most creative of analogies. >> multiple times. and his kids do live with him which were all kind of trumps

some version of trump's kids which would make you eric. although you can wear barons close. [laughter] i'm not done. i'm not done. i've got material. i came with material. kat is ivanka but that's not an insult. kat: i take that as a complime compliment. >> joe is like a kid no talk about the lives in the attic tyrus is this wonderful, old, large, white tree. the children play around. tyrus: because the president could not have jungle fever? for real? i had to be a three? at the maids child? >> i'm ivanka because i like to have my own money. [laughter] greg: i can't get her for this because i'm a terrible analogy and i think i compared barack

obama mom's cool new boyfriend. i swear i did that. who buys you booze and porn. tyrus: they do do that, greg. greg: always trying to impress the kids. up next, romantic films is it still okay to call them chick flicks? it is a debate that there will not moderate. [cheering and applause] as a financial advisor, i tell my clients not to worry about changing their minds in retirement.

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>> live from "america's news headquarters". a sumatran tiger will not be euthanized after attacking an employee at a kansas do on saturday morning. worker at the topeka zoo is in stable condition tonight and that is after suffering lacerations and pictured wounds to her head, neck and back. the incident lasted about ten minutes and occurred when the zoo was open to the public. tiger was placed in a holding area and other tigers had to be removed. investigation is now underway. protests in connecticut after police shoot an unarmed woman near yale university. a police officer from hampden an officer from yale opened fire on a couple inside a car. there were investigating an armed robbery. the video appears to contradict officers version of events and both are on leave. now back to the greg gutfeld show with log on to foxnews .com for all your headlines.

greg: the word chick makes them sick. netflix is calling for the phrase chick flick to be retired and this because it suggests men are interested in romance while cheapening the work that goes into making these films. in a brief thread, not brief enough, accompanies official netflix wrote -- greg: speak for yourself. at brian's house man movies are the only thing i watch and sometimes make. [laughter] anyway, it continues nicknaming films chick flicks drives home there's something trivial about watching them and what is trivial about watching a film that makes you feel a thousand emotions in 90 minutes -- they are right. let's pause now for 90 minutes

to watch my favorite chick flick. print to ♪ ♪ ♪. greg: that did not end well. they are all at chick-fil-a. [laughter] kat, as the only woman here, god help me, can you please speak for all women and how they feel about this topic, chick flicks? kat: first of all, when they say there are no movies made for men i think that is wrong because i have been watching movies before that just had so many boobs in them when it does not make sense and i'm like i don't think this

is for me. [laughter] second of all, i think netflix was super sexist saying calling something a chick flick makes it trivial and cheap. the things i like are trivial and cheap. what a win for feminism in what a way to make women feel better. it shows how stupid people are really try to get though social justice and wind up being accidentally sexist. though now, netflix is a sexist and it's not even a person. that is hard, greg. greg: rob, you are -- you are in the independent industry so what do you -- is this another thing with some stupid intern took over social media? >> social media manager made a huge mistake. but they are all 23 so -- chick

flick is a word that men use to describe a movie that they pretend they were forced to go see like my girl maybe watch a chick flick and it was stupid about this woman who needed to get a date for the wedding and then other guy who cares for her and at the end but they need to dismiss it which is fine. you made a lot of money making techniques. greg: yeah, because women go to movies, right? i can say that? >> couples go to movies. greg: men go to movies alone at certain theaters. tyrus: the hell i do. what? you want to ask if i go to -. kat: he doesn't know about the internet. [laughter] tyrus: listen. chick flick. would you like to say movies predominantly watched by females of the them in safety and persuasion? i love when i hear the world word chick flicks because it means a sex bargaining tool at home.

if you do this, i watch a movie about pants. kat: that travel. tyrus: yet, but if i'm watching that then it's cirque du soleil "after words". if not, i'm watching the game. greg: i believe that was a euphemism, joe. what do you think? >> i can't trust my judgment on the show but last segment i said i would possibly cheat on my hypothetical future wife before kat me out with that uncomfortable rant about her mom being dead. i just don't think netflix should be telling people what to think because i'm a big fan of forensic files and says because you like forensic files you might like fraser and that's not true. [laughter] greg: that is so funny, it is true. they do push it really weird directions. [laughter] what they should do is when they see your watching forensic files they should that you like

forensic files because you are lonely. [laughter] kat: i love forensic files. greg: and -- >> and you may also enjoy leaving the house once or twice. vitamin d is out there five i love forensic files. there is always a dark side that is discovered later but john had a dark side and turns out mine and innocent but we were using spooky music for no reason. tyrus: those stories get canceled. it proves he was innocent. nope. >> why one country star says hiring a hot and he is a bad idea. you won't find this on special report. (mom vo) especially at this age. (big sister) where are we going? (mom vo) it's a big, beautiful world out there. (little sister) woah... (big sister) wow. see that? (mom vo) sometimes you just need a little help seeing it.

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greg: should they have to just like granny to get hired as a nanny? actress, jana kramer -- says she will not hire an attractive

nanny because of her husband's addiction to sex. well, he's really happy to get that out there. [laughter] kramer was noticing the profile pictures of prospective nannies used on a hiring site and said they should quote, dress the part translation -- mr. belvedere. [laughter] kramer continued at that i don't trust my husband but called him a sex attic but i think it's not smart. look at some of these nannies and you asked for it because she's kind of hot. you've heard tales of the cats who got caught with the caretaker, ben affleck, jude law, arnold sports nager and niles crane, speaking of fraser. is it fair to put all the onus on the nanny? i love that word. the guys got to keep it professional, too. you're hiring someone living in

the house and around you all the time ask yourself one questio question -- what would philip drummond do? he would never hit on [inaudible] and neither would i. [laughter] who do i go to first on this? tyrus, is it wrong -- is it wrong to hire a nanny if you don't have kids? i'm asking for a friend. [laughter] tyrus: i'm going to say yeah. greg: okay. tyrus: as a friend i would say please don't -. greg: isn't this unfair to nannies who are good-looking. tyrus: this is unfair to her husband but he showed up to an event and had to stand up while she brought up all the stuff. you're worried about the nannies? you should worry about how your ass is getting a. greg: hollywood seems to be destroyed by nannies.

>> everyone in hollywood is a nanny to somebody. agent or manager and everyone needs -- everybody does need a nanny. in hollywood there is a financial component. not just having a nanny in your house but a nanny in your huge house with this huge pool and she's like a natural human being so i could get some of this. right now i live in a small room but if i played my cards i could live in a big room. greg: the excitement. >> absolutely. it's a libertarian. tyrus: and the stuck up -- we can't cuss anymore but the wretchedness of your gold digging wife would only inspire you -- you don't think kramer -- did you not see her? please. it's the attitude that drives us to the -- to your point. >> don't yell at me. [inaudible conversations]

greg: kat? tyrus: thank you but i've been there. greg: kat, is this unfair to nannies? kat: i think this is so offensive and stupid. i feel like if you are really worried about your husband banging the nanny, get rid of the husband and get a lizard. [laughter] get a dog. get a dog. get a cat. yet pneumonia. get anything other than that husband. seriously, cheating is not like falling down the stairs. it's not an accident. if you ever feel like you need to put a chastity belt on your husband, save yourself the belts money and get a new husband. seriously. or get no husband. i want a man, only a man, who i can trust alone with a literal goddess who happens to be covered in grease for some reason and still trust that he

will not touch her because his fingers will be too busy texting me back and i think that is all women should demand that. it's not the nannies problem but your man is trash problem. greg: joe, i don't think it's a problem for most of america, right? we don't have nannies or sex addicted husband. [laughter] >> greece covered goddesses are hot. [laughter] you know, i do think it's more of a problem people would like to admit. you bring up ask mike addiction they say is not a real thing which is weird because just got added to the manual but if you consider the mental illnesses people do consider real like being afraid of clowns you can go into a psychologist office and say i'm a sex attic and they would -- it's ruining my life personally and professionally and there was a that's not a real thing for you could say i'm

afraid of clowns and they would say that's interesting did your father try to fit a whole bunch of you into a really small car? [laughter] greg: up next, just how dirty aren't men's beards? will show you after the break. -guys, i want you to meet someone. this is jamie. you're going to be seeing a lot more of him now. -i'm not calling him "dad." -oh, n-no. -look, [sighs] i get it.

some new guy comes in helping your mom bundle and save with progressive, but hey, we're all in this together. right, champ? -i'm getting more nuggets. -how about some carrots? you don't want to ruin your dinner. -you're not my dad! -that's fair. overstepped. did you eat all of your treats? ♪ help! i need somebody ♪ help! not just anybody ♪ help! you know i need someone

greg: is worse than we feared, the stuff in a beard. a swiss study looked at the amount of bacteria in beards compared to dog for and there's a study. they found that the 10% of beard samples at harmful bacteria compared to only 13% on the pooch. study concluded bearded man harbor severely higher burden of microbes and more human pathogenic strains than dogs. they are right. time we took a deep dive inside the beard. >> thanks two advances in science can see the micro ecosystem living in men's beards but this includes the least attractive kardashian sister. a weightlifting puppy. chubby skeleton. cockpit sounds like rachel maddow show them it's a whole

new world and their. [cheering and applause] greg: i don't believe it. [applause] tyrus, you have a beard will you save it after hearing these results? tyrus: no, no i am not but i wash it. so -- yeah, it's a real show set in the morning i get up into the shower i wash my face in my hands and wash my beard. even if you soaps and shampoos just for your beard. whatever and if i could look myself and it was not bonbon socially is not fair to -- if i can -- will be tripping army. greg: that point.

still, reality is that i know you're scared of everything in life and terrified now but there is bacteria everywhere and do you think beards are bad but the phone is worse -- you don't leave your beard on the toilet bathroom floor of a public toilet but everyone does. kat: you don't leave your phone on the bathroom floor of a public -. greg: no one does everyone does. >> anybody in the audience do this? no one raise their hands, greg. greg: i don't know the question but i demanding answer, joe. >> the question is are you on your way to a staff infection. [laughter] >> i don't understand why scientists were doing this study to begin with. are people saying what is dirtier men's beards or docs? let's settle that bad and make

college tuition or expensive for everyone by doing that research but as a person who can't really grow any kind of he beard i think we should continue this research further and i will tell you what, ladies, no disgusting bacteria here. [laughter] [applause] greg: one of the pluses of being made by a toymaker. [laughter] tyrus: damn you greg gutfeld. greg: i don't even know why i said that. tyrus: you called him chubby pinocchio. greg: sorry. sorry. i should talk, rob. you shave your beard. >> i did. greg: do you feel better? >> i shave my beard because it

was entirely white. greg: don't want to be santa. >> i don't want to behold. and i am that i started to shave it off. but i have a dog and so i think it all depends on where they took the sample from because i can think of places on my dog that are considerably dirtier than any beard. i guess it depends on where the beard. greg: but the irony is the cleanest part of the dog is not where you want to -- well -- kat? kat: yes, greg. greg: does it matter -- do you think lumberjacks surround worrying about the bacteria and the birds? kat: no. beard bacteria we are worried about beard bacteria? i once shared a toothbrush with my boyfriend. for an entire semester of college. and i'm not dead. greg: but he died.

kat: no, he still alive. i spent a long time trying to figure out why we were doing the story and then i realized you can't grow a beard and you just want -- you choose not to and that is what he's going with publicly, folks. tyrus: he has a disease -- look at him. he's like a really grown-up toddler. three or four and his buddy said good enough. greg: i'm benjamin button but stuck at a certain age. >> i think this entire episode of the show will only be worth it if we get you to not put your phone on the floor of the public toilet. [applause] all jokes aside, all kidding aside, stop doing that. greg: i believe what doesn't kill you makes you stronger but i welcome the bacteria of strangers in a public bathroom spirit well then, there are easier ways to get it. [laughter] but if that is what you are going for.

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to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing it's best to make you everybody else... ♪ ♪ means to fight the hardest battle, which any human being can fight and never stop. does this sound dismal? it isn't. ♪ ♪ it's the most wonderful life on earth. ♪ ♪

greg: thanks to rob long, joe, kat and tyrus in our studio audience but i love you, america. [cheering and applause] waters m jesse waters understanding the mueller report that is a subject of tonight's waters words. the special counsel confirmed that the russian government sponsored efforts to illegally interfere with the 2016 presidential election. but did not find that the trump campaign or other americans colluded in those efforts. the report recounts ten episodes involving the president and discussing potential legal theories for connecting those activities to element of obstruction of offense. the deputy attorney general and i concluded that the evidence developed by the special counsel is not sufficient to establish