. >> madam secretary thank you for being here. i've been a little busy. [laughter] know you are not. [laughter] . >> what day care center a collection of toddlers soiling their diapers now screaming cover-up that the report is public look if you spin a conspiracy theory pick ufos or bigfoot or what is in rachel maddow's coffee but not

something available to everyone because we all know what is in the report and yet there they go. . >> it is deceitful. >> his answers were gobbledygoo gobbledygook. the fact is the mother report. >> mueller wrote a letter of protest those that though they were disheartening. . >> days spoke to her spirit. [laughter] a hearing about a report. get a hobby a guy who's resting phase looks like wealthy - - ralphie you will

shoot your eye out. [laughter] and all he did and said is what mueller said. the evidence is now that the president was falsely accused of colluding with the russians and we concluded the evidence developed during the special counsel investigation was not sufficient to establish he committed an obstruction of justice affects. greg: so he got the report out before the media could get all over it and then to attack not what was in the report and how it was released is that like returning a christmas present because you don't like the wrapping paper. this hearing is about something that is over and done with for these losers to have that engagement party after her fiancé already dumped you. [laughter]

that the media has self-induced amnesia for go last march. >> special counsel mueller campaign concluded there was no collusion the media was smart shocked one month later. >> the present tweets no collusion no obstruction once again it is a lie then here what we have is passive collusion. [laughter] greg: now two months later and it is still news to them? . >> he is interested in the position of attorney general -like president as is of the united states he is his lackey and his stooge. greg: that is cute after she tells him to say that. [laughter]

what do you call that kind of person? oh yeah. a lackey. [laughter] you know, my definition of insanity? a journalist hitting their head every day thinking that will change the facts each christmas we watch diehard. we know the ending we know the good guy wins that the dems watch the same movie thinking the ending will change and when it doesn't? they held a hearing because they don't like how this movie ended they keep trying to remake it into a drama featuring their favorite leading lady. >> this is as big of a sign of a guilty conscience or a real fear that you could possibly have. i'm living rent-free inside of

donald trump's head that's not a great place to be. greg: rent-free in his brain? we'll then you are back in the white house. [laughter] but i love that she gives analysis on obstruction? while she sits on a hammered blackberry. [laughter] so the media and the dems are colluding to keep that alive and then if you subtract the collusion from the daily lives what's left? a booming economy, peace and prosperity, unemployment rate dropped again three.6 percent. anyone can get a job if they want it including this guy. [laughter] and this guy and this guy. [laughter]

so we could have got a better picture. but they will not elect a democrat so they went along can you find the photo in this picture? why would steve cho win a democrat bring fried chicken to a hearing? for the constituents of the american people? know. for the cameras there is nothing more appealing than a man smearing his jowls and deep fried carcass i believe this is considered porn. >> so they had to resuscitate over getting mouth-to-mouth

they call it love i call it abusing a cadaver. here is a transition how about the last week correspondence dinner? after all it is the media and they love covering themselves msnbc ran it but we didn't. but we ran this show instead and guess what? we beat cnn and msnbc combined. so thank you because we are grateful you have allowed us the privilege to kick their ass and we love every damn minute of it. [cheers and applause] now let's welcome him tonight guess campus reform

editor-in-chief. [applause] he tweets more than he eats stephen miller. [applause] he is so blunt that snoop dogg tried to smoke him. tyrus. [applause] . >> what you make of this week for the media if everybody else we can only have the intervention especially in april it was such a cluster you know, what.

for them to say maybe we got this wrong maybe we should just apologize over the conspiracy but they are so far in they just run with it which is obstruction. and then tell the american people the truth who obstructed justice. >> it is now like donnie brass go he got too far in and cannot get out. i don't know if you saw that movie. >> there are a lot of book deals on collusion. has anybody told her that she lost the election? or do they just treat it that she just walks in and says i had a wonderful conversation with the secretary of state. so what?

i live in the state of wisconsin i never have to hear from her again. [laughter] . >> i have noticed that people in the media talk about the rush investigation as time goes on they keeps getting smaller at first it was trump is a literal treasonous trader working with putin now we do need a summary of this before with only some reductions like when you argue with your boyfriend you can tell you are losing because then you are being too petty to say i saw you texting that girl i know you are cheating with me and said that's my aunt and you said you left the toilet seat up performance ago. [laughter] you know, you lost a viewing of the toilet seat. greg: that went in a strange direction. greg: but you got out of the hoax funnel than it gets

narrower and narrower. and then that hoax funnel when i use the toilet seat. [laughter] . >> how you use that? i don't know. [laughter] [applause] i would use a hand gesture right now but the editor would have to edit it out. [laughter] . >> but what we would like to talk about this week. [laughter] . >> okay. [laughter] very strong and wiry. [laughter]

and this is very accurate in the situation. they went all in. there was no going back and mueller hurt them because he said let's leave it up to the worst group of the individuals on the planet which is congress. [laughter] which i also like to point out this is how bad it is for the dems most of their candidates if not all of them are coming from the worst group of paid americans in this country in congress. your rate was 21 percent if we had a 21 percent rating we would all not be here. they wouldn't even boo us. [laughter] i'm not booing for someone

running for president the democratic party and then worse of any breakup. >> there has been some doozies. >> did you say jacuzzi? . >> later in the show cocaine shrimp but first wait until you see

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by awesome experts store. it's a now there's one store that connects your life like never before store. the xfinity store is here. and it's simple, easy, awesome. greg: short for motivation or momentum joe biden leads the pack at 38 percent saying that biden has the best shot to beat in 2020 but can he energize the voters? especially at the rallies. look at the trump rally.

>> usa. >> saturday night anyplace that's more fun? . >> know. hold on. there is a joe biden rally. we need to eliminate corporations. [applause] with the capital gains loophole not just for people who have the four-year college degree but that have training programs. we can do all this to have quality health care. greg: you don't see that at a trump rally and a cat five hurricane and never stops and they have to keep up with them. something like this.

to make those who get the four-year college degree for job training. it is so boring. >> he is putting everybody to sleep. >> having trouble paying attention to uncle joe? he needs a trump infusion the process to put some blood injected into the body with the mundane. believe me there is plenty of subject matter. how is this possible? . >> let's not get hung up on the details. >> we have more money and brains.

that they are smarter than they are. . >> that's amazing. and now comes where everyone can have some. . >> it's my hair. i swear. . >> to you at a disadvantage? . >> and then with the campaign and just like the campaign

manager. . >> is that a "star wars" thing? . >> we will watch it later. >> know we will not. . >> that 10 percent unemployment or bad health care or wars or being friends with china but then his poll goes up because he shoots up and then is like a head full of vinyl siding. . >> and to be like a falcon. >> i don't know if he will be the nominee not to make too much but if you remember at the beginning of the 2016 cycle on the republican side was jeb bush what is he doing now?

i don't know. may be sleeping somewhere? [laughter] may be in a room asking people questions? but he's not president. and he has the largest share of the vote. and there is the undecided option then it shrinks significantly. while there is name recognition. >> i agree. also someone has to tell the left he is the leader. . >> there is no way they could ever outdo the attack campaign on the left. they are so upset that him and bernie are in the race. that is not what we wanted. white old guys most dangerous thing on the planet. when i say white old guys in

the neighborhood i tell the kids to get in the house and lock the doors. [laughter] white old diaper go he will come over here and ask for direction directions. it's a tough time those scary white people. but if you see a situation where old white guys and then if you go you got to go. greg: what is your take? because we know anybody who gets the nomination needs the obama coalition he is the boyfriend that was broken up with.

and then going to dinner. >> actually don't want the president to endorse me. all the good things obama said so i kinda feel sorry for them. >> and those are seen and then it makes the weirdos look less weird i hope that's the case with me there ready to play beer pong with kirsten gillibrand. horse.

now back to "the greg gutfeld show". greg: it isn't funny what the left will do with your money. but not so to bernie sanders that disney uses profits from the vendors to pay a middle-class wage instead of $55 million to the ceo socialist have no idea how to make how to take that the word

woman is not mentioned anywhere in the constitution. but the word man isn't either because it says we the people. all persons born or naturalized in the united states i think that covers everybody small well. [laughter] he is running for president also by the way. [laughter] meanwhile kirsten gillibrand unveiled a plan to give every voter to donate to campaigns they are democracy dollars. >> $200 for each federal election 100 for primary and 100 for general and presidential, congressiona presidential, congressional, see elections. greg: that is stupid. she also played beer pong with

water no we are not donating anything. you don't play with water but with beer. do it like this. [laughter] [laughter] . >> don't you get the idea they are thirsty quick. >> it is beyond that. because biden was crazy as

hell but she played beer pong with water? so you didn't play beer pong. >> exactly that was take number one, two, 35, 50. i guarantee you. >> she lost support among her own staff filming that garbage. >> that took forever. greg: here is the problem she tries to imitate day human. [laughter] . >> i think they all do. he has been a bad match but at least he is real that is what the american people want after the last election i will deemed that stewart give it is

real authenticity stick purple in the race but okay small well. but even with a supreme court justice could have taught her how to play that game properly. [laughter] [applause] walk down the road and opened the door but honestly if her

plan was what it says it was i would love a. if she really would give us all $600 i would say absolutely because after all that is $600 but she's not giving us money she takes our money then redistribute that i don't understand why that is seen as being kinder generous like if somebody stole my purse then gave a - - gave it to a political campaign. you already have enough money by your own purse bernie. greg: is true. people say candidate should not go after each other which is the dumbest advice because if i am not to inoculate yourself before going to the tropics then trump will eat them alive. [laughter] [applause]

we are really pushing this cocaine shrimp.

also adding secret crush. to say to add you as a secret crush facebook will match you then reveal your names them both if you are murdered by a gang of giant robots. i already started my secret crush list number two. number three.

>> you are a winner. that is creepy on this weird kind of thing. >> this makes me sick. how about if you have a crush on someone you already know and talk to in real life i don't know, tell them? using your words? i like you do you want to go out on a date. none of this do you want to hang out crap that millennial men want to do. man up. asked me out and call it that. [applause] . >> this whole thing i will play the old guy when i was younger i had to ask for a phone number face-to-face which is terrifying in your

forties. [laughter] i can remember when you get the phone number how exciting it was then you call and the dad answers all the time. >> in your forties quick. >> you're messing up the story. >> and then you sweat and hang up the phone then finally get the girl on the phone and then you don't ask her out because you are too nervous you can know ahead of time what they are like and then to pretend you like radiohead and then to say she's a radiohead fan and then something horrible happened. . >> this is a culture problem

more made fun of than a weekend man or to be seen anti- woman some days you pick up the tab to say she's not independent enough so i think the whole facebook thing is creepy. like a you watch a video then you get an ad about it. so i don't trust it. >> but i'm actually grateful for that appointment. [laughter] . >> so the philosophy is

wrong. i am rash free. . >> this is a good way to get in touch with the wife why? do is your secret crush? i don't even have facebook. now i know. literally what did you do this is horrible for men. >> that's not true. everyone i ever dated doesn't think i know how to work a car door. [laughter]

. >> and never dated a guy who owned a car there are some really nice uber drivers out there. [applause] . >> but i just come here tried to do my best to be honest give the best answers people crap all over me. [laughter] greg: that was long-winded. . >> i just want that facebook app and then just say i'm a conservative if they really want to target because the

boomers are the main people who use the facebook so if you put this up like t rex or something like that then find another user and get them to match. >> that's even better than that policy first. . >> leave me alone. greg: moving

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♪ >> silly. this headline scientist stumped as why shrimp is testing positive for cocaine and roll up a hundred dollar bill they tested shrimp in a rural part of the u.k. and found traces of coke in their systems. we're still none are dating charlie sheen. [laughter] that's a joke from six years ago. meanwhile in the waters off norway fisherman spotted a whale wearing a tight harness big enough to carry a camera or weapon with a equipment st. peteringburg believed it escaped from a russian military facility trained perhaps to spy. fisherman did remove the harness and whale appeared to be in good health. a spy whale pretty smart. smarter than these two. >> i bet i can do more pushups. >> i bet you could too. [laughter]

♪ that's beautiful gave them a kiss. that was beautiful. do you think they're on sphook? >> i think they are on facebook. [laughter] cocaine shrimp or whale. for 200 -- i love everything is a spy whale. you have the intel on bottom of boats. and local fish population. it was most navies united states included. they have programs with whales. they use whales. and they have hanses on back that usually carry tools and stuff dives and stuff not freaking laser bombe on their back and just whale bent on destruction to destroy norway had a change of heart and threw a gun away and a decided it was going to join a local culture

that was the world of media we live in and apply a storm or something you've got lots they took a harness off but no he's a spy whale how did you know? because he was a spy and didn't answer. [laughter] >> that makes him a really good spy whale. >> because he pretended to be a normal whale. russians this is all they do is they turn everybody to spies. >> i want to talk about the cocaine shrimp. >> you know what they have at apple bees. [laughter] coconut shrimp? >> i just -- i couldn't get over when i was reading that story. [laughter] how mad you would be be, how you would feel if you were a coke head here in the south this story right you would be so mad like i'm here spending money and ruining my nasal passages to get my fix and shrimp are getting it for free and i don't know if they have noses i didn't google that much. i don't know if they have noses but i really feel for these shrimp because the whole cocaine thing i don't really get it. like you want to be awake longer -- for why? you know --

>> street play i'm sure there's some shrimp out there that are just trying to have a chill day. like there's one shrimp that's like can i please come down i need a nap i've been up for three days. but more coke, more coke, more coke. >> you know what it has -- it's like they know that shrimp knows if he wants to date a shrimp model he needs to have cocaine. >> are you are serious? >> get shrimp -- >>en couraging this -- [laughter] how about the coke heads that live around stop flushing your [bleep] down the toilet. that's what it is. cost on the door -- flush it all down the toilet, you've done that i'm sure. [laughter] >> former clients. [laughter] you know i'm allergic to shrimp. >> allergic to cocaine or maybe i'm just high. [laughter] but -- the all you can eat shrimp -- i wasn't actually allergic to it but high the whole time like oh

it is burning my skin. qhnch you ate this shrimp did you have a urge to tell everyone about your screen play? >> that happens with cocaine. steven -- all twisting too. steven -- >> yeah. i just picture some little kids stacking on shore russia with a leash in the water. [laughter] wondering where his pet has gone. [laughter] did you see what they said that this whale defective so now it's like the norway do they learn nothing from famous facts? the whale is a stout. going to sending rest now once the norwegian like to flick rubber horse it is now the rest of the whales and they're going take over norway. >> question is -- the wall of the ocean. build a wall in the ocean. >> and how many do trump own? >> well what's probably going to happen is trump had a phone call -- and right it is probably going to happen is they're going to get some of those whales get them into lake michigan put it

over wisconsin again. >> that one lost. you know what's funny as you know my wife is russian i read this story and i went through her closet looking for any kind of spy harness that she might have. then i realize that my wife isn't a spy because she's been married to me or for 15s and no spy could ever do that that's like a three-year gig and then you kill me. two, three years tops for 15 years no spy. a medal after 2. but i did pinged a find a spy harness i'm wearing it right now. [laughter] anyway -- all right just two shows left for the monologue live, sunday in dallas. but in monday, still tickets available in mid-land texas. special guest you've got to go to the website for ticket info final thoughts are next.

>> we have time for one final thought. do you have a final thought? >> calling anybody a lackey does he think that everybody, you know, we did a men >> bigger than water gate that's how donald trump is describing a meeting between papadopoulos and woman undercover agent taking center stage again at the white house. good evening i'm rick leventhal in for jon scott this is the "fox report." ♪ >> a "new york times" report say fbi sent undercover investigate to meet during the 2016 presidential campaign. just yesterday the president spoke by phone with russian president vladimir putin for more than an hour discussing wide range of topic including mol or report potential interference in 2020 race. >> the president has made clear to everybody -- every person that is not a