happy cinco de mayo. >> happy cinco de mayo. thank you for watching folks, thank you for choosing us for your news. >> adam secretary, thank you so much for being here. . >> what day care center a collection of toddlers soiling their diapers now screaming >> forgetting that the report is public. if you're going to spend a conspiracy. hathink about the book or what did rachel madhouse copy but not

something that is available to everyone. because we all know what is in the report. and yet here they go. gobbledygo. the fact is the motherobbledygo. report. >> mueller wrote a letter of protest those that though they were disheartening. . >> days spoke to her spirit. [laughter] >> get a hobby and he got the rt

before the media could get allrt over it and then to attack not what was in the report and how it was released is that like returning a christmas present because you don't like the wrapping paper. this hearing is about something that is over and done with for these losers to have that engagement party after her fiancé already dumped you. [laughter]

that the media has self-induced amnesia for go last march. >> special counsel mueller campaign concluded there was no collusion the media wasart sh later. >> the present tweets no collusion no obstruction once again it is a lie then here what we have is passive collusion. [laughter] greg: now two months later and it is still news to them? . >> he is interested in the position of attorney general -like president as is of the united states he is his lackey and his stooge. greg: that is cute after she tells him to say that.

[laughter] what do you call that kind of person? oh yeah. a lackey. [laughter] you know, my definition of insanity? a journalist hitting their head every day thinking that will change the facts each christmas we watch diehard. we know the ending we know the good guy wins that the dems watch the same movie thinking the ending will change and when it doesn't? they held a hearing because they don't like how this movie ended they keep trying to remake it into a drama featuring their favorite leading lady. >> this is as big of a sign of a guilty conscience or a real fear that you could possibly have. i'm living rent-free inside of

donald trump's head that's not a great place to be. greg: rent-free in his brain? we'll then you are back in the white house. [laughter] but i love that she gives analysis on obstruction? while she sits on a hammered blackberry. [laughter] so the media and the dems are colluding to keep that alive and then if you subtract the collusion from the daily lives what's left? a booming economy, peace and prosperity, unemployment rate dropped again three.6 percent. anyone can get a job if they want it including this guy. [laughter] and this guy and this guy.

[laughter] so we could have got a better picture. but they will not elect a democrat so they went along can you find the photo in this picture? why would steve cho win a democrat bring fried chicken to a hearing? for the constituents of the american people? know. for the cameras there is nothing more appealing than a man smearing his jowls and deep fried carcass i believe this is considered porn. >> so they had to resuscitate

over getting mouth-to-mouth they call it love i call it abusing a cadaver. here is a transition how about the last week correspondence dinner? after all it is the media and they love covering themselves msnbc ran it but we didn't. but we ran this show instead and guess what? we beat cnn and msnbc combined. so thank you because we are grateful you have allowed us the privilege to kick their ass and we love every damn minute of it. [cheers and applause] now let's welcome him tonight guess campus reform

editor-in-chief. [applause] he tweets more than he eats stephen miller. [applause] he is so blunt that snoop dogg tried to smoke him. tyrus. [applause] . >> what you make of this week for the media if everybody else we can only have the intervention especially in april it was such a cluster

you know, what. for them to say maybe we got this wrong maybe we should just apologize over the conspiracy but they are so far in they just run with it which is obstruction. and then tell the american people the truth who obstructed justice. >> it is now like donnie brass go he got too far in and cannot get out. i don't know if you saw that movie. >> there are a lot of book deals on collusion. has anybody told her that she lost the election? or do they just treat it that she just walks in and says i had a wonderful conversation with the secretary of state. so what?

i live in the state of wisconsin i never have to hear from her again. [laughter] . >> i have noticed that people in the media talk about the rush investigation as time goes on they keeps getting smaller at first it was trump is a literal treasonous trader working with putin now we do need a summary of this before with only some reductions like when you argue with your boyfriend you can tell you are losing because then you are being too petty to say i saw you texting that girl i know you are cheating with me and said that's my aunt and you said you left the toilet seat up performance ago. [laughter] you know, you lost a viewing of the toilet seat. greg: that went in a strange direction. greg: but you got out of the

hoax funnel than it gets narrower and narrower. and then that hoax funnel when i use the toilet seat. [laughter] . >> how you use that? i don't know. [laughter] [applause] i would use a hand gesture right now but the editor would have to edit it out. [laughter] . >> but what we would like to talk about this week. [laughter] . >> okay. [laughter] very strong and wiry. [laughter]

and this is very accurate in the situation. they went all in. there was no going back and mueller hurt them because he said let's leave it up to the worst group of the individuals on the planet which is congress. [laughter] which i also like to point out this is how bad it is for the dems most of their candidates if not all of them are coming from the worst group of paid americans in this country in congress. your rate was 21 percent if we had a 21 percent rating we would all not be here. they wouldn't even boo us. [laughter] i'm not booing for someone

running for president the democratic party and then worse of any breakup. >> there has been some doozies. >> did you say jacuzzi? . >> later in the show cocaine shrimp but first wait until you see [music playing] (vo) this is jerry. jerry has a membership to this gym, but he's not using it. and he has subscriptions to a music service he doesn't listen to and five streaming video services he doesn't watch. this is jerry learning that he's still paying for this stuff he's not using. he's seeing his recurring payments in control tower in the wells fargo mobile app. this is jerry canceling a few things. booyah. this is jerry appreciating the people who made this possible.

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greg: short for motivation or momentum joe biden leads the pack at 38 percent saying that biden has the best shot to beat in 2020 but can he energize the voters? especially at the rallies. look at the trump rally.

>> usa. >> saturday night anyplace that's more fun? . >> know. hold on. there is a joe biden rally. we need to eliminate corporations. [applause] with the capital gains loophole not just for people who have the four-year college degree but that have training programs. greg: you don't see that her valleys. no neons at the trump valleys. the dems are going to have to take something to keep up with them. something likeke this.

>> people who get to four-year colleges, those who compete with job training. >> this is so boring. biden putting everyone to see. having trouble paying attention to uncle joe,. >> yeah i went to hear him out but he so damn boring. >> yeah because he's a trump fusion. >> trump fusion is a process by which the president blood is injected to the body so they can inject energy into speeches. >> interesting does it work ? >> sure does. >> there is plenty of subject matter right there. >> you've just injected trump's blood into but joe biden? >> must not get hung up on the details. >> we got more money, better brains, better houses and

apartments, we are smarter than they are in the are the elite. >> but what if i'm not running for president and just want to be more interesting, can i get a trump fusion? >> sure can, it comes a portable form so everyone can have some. greg: i don't wear today, it's my hair i swear. thanks trump fusion this election is going to be great. >> i thought that was you cat. >> i would've voted for that guy. >> the guy who drunk the trump fusion stuff. >> obama's campaign just dropping obama's name, he is about a week away from hiring jason abrams who is a campaign

manager, feels like you will face the campaign. [laughter] >> he is trying to come through all these warm feelings of 10% unemployment and bad healthcare, and in those wars and being from was with china and all this consent. he is like hillary where he goes away for a while and his polls go up and he shut up and then he realizes he starts opening his mouth, he has a head full of vinyl siding. [laughter] it just depends on his head full of vinyl siding will help other people. greg: i like that. he's like a falcon. >> i don't know if he will be the nominee or not but i think we need to be very careful to not make too much of early poll result. because if you remember at the 2016 cycle, you remember who was ahead then on the republican.

jeb bush, what's he doing now, i don't know sleeping somewhere. >> in a room asking people to clapper him, i know is that president, if you look at the pool he had the largest share of votes, those are pulled where there's no undecided options, so a lot of it could just be mean recognition just like the one guy jeb bush. >> i agree with kat, and i also agree that he left that he is a leader. >> it's true. there is a campaign for republican can ever outdo the campaign from the left. they are so upset that him and varney are in the race, i cannot believe they are in it, these guys are not what we wanted, literally the most dangerous things on the plaintiff. [laughter] i myself, when i see a white old

guy in my neighborhood i get the house unlocked the door. and pick up my blinds like thisl [laughter] oh white old guys only, he's going to ask me for directions because his lost. [laughter] it's a tough time for the dems miscarry old white people. [laughter] i'm never in my life had a situation where old white guys are like old times have changed. [laughter] >> where white guys go into restaurants and say we will seriously i'll be in the back and say you gotta go you gotta go broke. [laughter] greg: what is your take on biden? >> we know that anybody is going to get the nomination, we know obama colas, see with uncleny j, he is the boyfriend that got broken up with but he does not know it yet, he has all the

videos of him in obama's arms around him and going to dinner and smiling, and then he says, actually i don't want the president to endorsement. then he comes out with the campaign add in memory lane, all the good things that obama said about him but the burger. and he just doesn't get it. i kind of feel sorry for him. greg: he says age is his advantage, but 82 criminals are always seen went there hair starts getting a little white in you wearing glasses, all the sudden, weirdos look less weird. i am hoping that the case with me. up next, the wrong way to play beer pong by kristin gillibrand. [cheering] i'm just a normal person who got an awful skin condition.

with uncontrolled moderate-to-severe eczema, or atopic dermatitis, you feel like you're itching all the time.

and you never know how your skin will look. because deep within your skin an overly sensitive immune system could be the cause. so help heal your skin from within, with dupixent. dupixent is not a steroid, and it continuously treats your eczema even when you can't see it. at 16 weeks, nearly four times more patients taking dupixent saw clear or almost clear skin compared to those not taking it, and patients saw a significant reduction in itch. do not use if you are allergic to dupixent. serious allergic reactions can occur, including anaphylaxis, a severe reaction. tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems, including eye pain or changes in vision. if you are taking asthma medicines, do not change or stop your asthma medicine without talking to your doctor. help heal your skin from within. ask your eczema specialist about dupixent. greg: greg: live from america's s

headquarters, i'm john scott. tear into a runway on moscow, happened earlier today when it plaintiff was forced to turn around and make an emergency landing shortly after taking off. nearly 80 people on board, at least 13 did not survive. as you can see the russian mean jet erupted into a giant fireball as it landed. it is not yet clear if the fire began on the pairing was airborne or sparked by the hard

landing. the clock is ticking for william barr, he now has until 9:00 a.m. tomorrow to hand over congress the full and unredacted mueller report democrats are demanded. the house judiciary committee want the failure to comply could mean a contempt of congress citation for bar. at the same time there working to have mueller testify soon. john scott, now back to the grade got phil showthegreg got . greg: if it pleases workers a middle-class wage instead of plaintiff's ceo 65 million bucks, so i socialist he has no idea how to make but certainly knows how to take. eric swalwell treated that is

unacceptable to the watered woman isn't mentioned anywhere in the constitution. the man isn't mentioned in the constitution either. [laughter] because it says we the people, all persons born or naturalized in the united states, that covers everybody. he is running for president two by the way, swalwell meanwhile kiersten gillibrand unveiled a plan to give every voter to donate to campaign, she calls the democracy dollars,. >> is $200 for each federal election, they get $200, 100 for primary, 100 for congressional and 100 for senate. >> that will be trump.

she also played beer pong with water. you do not play with water, you play with beer. if you are my uncle he would do it like this. [inaudible] greg: he's an icon. these icons are thirsty and desperate. >> it's beyond that. he probably would've gotteney dollars. because why he was authentic,

crazy as hell, but she played beer pong with water. greg: yes, under. >> so you did not play beer pong, you play 320 takes. that was take one, take two, 23, take 50 i guarantee you. greg: she lost so's much support from her own staff. she has a problem like hillary did, she's trying to imitate a human. [laughter] >> i think they all do. the good thing about trump, he gets a bad rap for being so rash but at least he's real, that is what thech american people want. after the last election you think, let me be myself, to be a good sum both as a result of

that, no. greg: they need to rethink one real authentic person in the race, but instead there are all these phonies, swalwell. [laughter] >> water pong gillibrand is my least favorite disney princess. [laughter] while were on the billion dollars and bernie sanders in the fit through building where the avengers on the screen. he didn't talk during the whole movie. >> there is a newly appointed supreme court justice that taught her how to play the game properly. [laughter] [applause] >> walked on the road, walked on the door, he just answered the door. [laughter]

greg: cat, catlike spear. >> got it. if kirsten gillibrand's plan was like she said it was i would love it. if she really was going to give us all $600 i would say absolutely. better than no $600, but that is not what she's doing, she is not giving us money, she is taking money and redistributing it i don't understand why that is being seen as kind or generous, that would be like somebody stole my purse and give it to a political campaign. i would be like a varney, you have enough money already, by your own person bernie sanders. greg: they go after each other which is the dumbest advice ever, you think trump, he will eat them alive, you gotta toughen these people up. [applause] we are really pushing this

cocaine trip. try the cocaine shrimp, first dating feature called secret crush. ows. with all that usaa offers why go with anybody else? we know their rates are good, we know that they're always going to take care of us. it was an instant savings and i should have changed a long time ago. it was funny because when we would call another insurance company, hey would say "oh we can't beat usaa" we're the webber family. we're the tenney's we're the hayles, and we're usaa members for life. ♪ get your usaa auto insurance quote today. ♪ bleech! aww! awww!

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headache and sore throat may occur. haven't you missed enough? ask an asthma specialist about fasenra. if you can't afford your medication, astrazeneca may be able to help. also adding secret crush. to say to add you as a secret crush facebook will match you then reveal your names them both if you are murdered by a gang of giant robots. i already started my secret crush list number two.

number three. >> you are a winner. that is creepy on this weird kind of thing. >> this makes me sick. how about if you have a crush on someone you already know and talk to in real life i don't know, tell them? using your words? i like you do you want to go out on a date. none of this do you want to hang out crap that millennial men want to do. man up. asked me out and call it that. [applause] . >> this whole thing i will play the old guy when i was younger i had to ask for a phone number face-to-face

which is terrifying in your forties. [laughter] i can remember when you get the phone number how exciting it was then you call and the dad answers all the time. >> in your forties quick. >> you're messing up the story. >> and then you sweat and hang up the phone then finally get the girl on the phone and then you don't ask her out because you are too nervous you can know ahead of time what they are like and then to pretend you like radiohead and then to say she's a radiohead fan and then something horrible happened. . >> this is a culture problem

more made fun of than a weekend man or to be seen anti- woman some days you pick up the tab to say she's not independent enough so i think the whole facebook thing is creepy. like a you watch a video then you get an ad about it. so i don't trust it. >> but i'm actually grateful for that appointment. [laughter] . >> so the philosophy is

wrong. i am rash free. . >> this is a good way to get in touch with the wife why? do is your secret crush? i don't even have facebook. now i know. literally what did you do this is horrible for men. >> that's not true. everyone i ever dated doesn't think i know how to work a car

door. [laughter] . >> and never dated a guy who owned a car there are some really nice uber drivers out there. [applause] . >> but i just come here tried to do my best to be honest give the best answers people crap all over me. [laughter] greg: that was long-winded. . >> i just want that facebook app and then just say i'm a conservative if they really want to target because the

boomers are the main people who use the facebook so if you put this up like t rex or something like that then find another user and get them to match. >> that's even better than that policy first. . >> leave me alone. greg: moving -♪ just like any other family ♪ the house, kids, they're living the dream ♪ ♪ and here comes the wacky new maid ♪ -maid? uh, i'm not the... -♪ is she an alien, is she a spy? ♪ ♪ she's always here, someone tell us why ♪ -♪ why, oh, why -♪ she's not the maid we wanted ♪ -because i'm not the maid! -♪ but she's the maid we got -again, i'm not the maid. i protect your home and auto.

-hey, campbells. who's your new maid? i protect your home and auto. [laughter] ♪ ♪ "i'm okay." ♪ ♪

>> if it's beneath the sea, we're the authority. >> this is cnn. ♪ >> silly. this headline scientist stumped as why shrimp is testing positive for cocaine and roll up a hundred dollar bill they tested shrimp in a rural part of the u.k. and found traces of coke in their systems. we're still none are dating charlie sheen. [laughter] that's a joke from six years ago. meanwhile in the waters off

norway fisherman spotted a whale wearing a tight harness big enough to carry a camera or weapon with a equipment st. peteringburg believed it escaped from a russian military facility trained perhaps to spy. fisherman did remove the harness and whale appeared to be in good health. a spy whale pretty smart. smarter than these two. >> i bet i can do more pushups. >> i bet you could too. [laughter] ♪ that's beautiful gave them a kiss. that was beautiful. do you think they're on sphook? >> i think they are on facebook. [laughter] cocaine shrimp or whale.

for 200 -- i love everything is a spy whale. you have the intel on bottom of boats. and local fish population. it was most navies united states included. they have programs with whales. they use whales. and they have hanses on back that usually carry tools and stuff dives and stuff not freaking laser bombe on their back and just whale bent on destruction to destroy norway had a change of heart and threw a gun away and a decided it was going to join a local culture that was the world of media we live in and apply a storm or something you've got lots they took a harness off but no he's a spy whale how did you know? because he was a spy and didn't answer. [laughter] >> that makes him a really good spy whale. >> because he pretended to be a normal whale. russians this is all they do is they turn everybody to spies. >> i want to talk about the cocaine shrimp. >> you know what they have at apple bees. [laughter] coconut shrimp?

>> i just -- i couldn't get over when i was reading that story. [laughter] how mad you would be be, how you would feel if you were a coke head here in the south this story right you would be so mad like i'm here spending money and ruining my nasal passages to get my fix and shrimp are getting it for free and i don't know if they have noses i didn't google that much. i don't know if they have noses but i really feel for these shrimp because the whole cocaine thing i don't really get it. like you want to be awake longer -- for why? you know -- >> street play i'm sure there's some shrimp out there that are just trying to have a chill day. like there's one shrimp that's like can i please come down i need a nap i've been up for three days. but more coke, more coke, more coke. >> you know what it has -- it's like they know that shrimp knows if he wants to date a shrimp model he needs to have cocaine. >> are you are serious? >> get shrimp -- >>en couraging this -- [laughter] how about the coke heads that

live around stop flushing your [bleep] down the toilet. that's what it is. cost on the door -- flush it all down the toilet, you've done that i'm sure. [laughter] >> former clients. [laughter] you know i'm allergic to shrimp. >> allergic to cocaine or maybe i'm just high. [laughter] but -- the all you can eat shrimp -- i wasn't actually allergic to it but high the whole time like oh it is burning my skin. qhnch you ate this shrimp did you have a urge to tell everyone about your screen play? >> that happens with cocaine. steven -- all twisting too. steven -- >> yeah. i just picture some little kids stacking on shore russia with a leash in the water. [laughter] wondering where his pet has gone. [laughter] did you see what they said that this whale defective so now it's like the norway do they learn

nothing from famous facts? the whale is a stout. going to sending rest now once the norwegian like to flick rubber horse it is now the rest of the whales and they're going take over norway. >> question is -- the wall of the ocean. build a wall in the ocean. >> and how many do trump own? >> well what's probably going to happen is trump had a phone call -- and right it is probably going to happen is they're going to get some of those whales get them into lake michigan put it over wisconsin again. >> that one lost. you know what's funny as you know my wife is russian i read this story and i went through her closet looking for any kind of spy harness that she might have. then i realize that my wife isn't a spy because she's been married to me or for 15s and no spy could ever do that that's like a three-year gig and then you kill me. two, three years tops for 15 years no spy. a medal after 2. but i did pinged a find a spy

harness i'm wearing it right now. [laughter] anyway -- all right just two shows left for the monologue live, sunday in dallas. but in monday, still tickets available in mid-land texas. special guest you've got to go to the website for ticket info final thoughts are next. ♪ limu emu & doug what do all these people have in common, limu? [ paper rustling ] exactly, nothing. they're completely different people, that's why they need customized car insurance from liberty mutual. they'll only pay for what they need! [ gargling ] [ coins hitting the desk ] yes, and they could save a ton. you've done it again, limu. ...

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we can repair it the same day... guaranteed. plus with most insurance, it's no cost to you. >> mom: really? >> singers: ♪ safelite repair, ♪ safelite replace. >> we have time for one final thought. do you have a final thought? >> calling anybody a lackey does he think that everybody, you know, we did a men and black y thing and gave us amnesia about how he turned a show over to donald trump during the 2016 election and then, of course, he wanted to get married at the white house? of course all of the trips to mar-a-lago? >> good point. that's a final thought. that was a couple of thoughts. joe is an idiot.

>> two final thoughts. he's worse. he's worse. jon: 41 people have died every russian airliner is engulfed in flames. the flight forced to around and do emergency landing in moscow before bursting into a fireball on the runway. good evening i'm jon scott and this is the "fox report". video shows the aircraft burning on the tarmac as people flee with emergency exits. the report confirms 73 passengers and five crew members were on board the jets. jackie has the latest on what happened there. reporter: jon, we know 41 people passed away and lost their lives in the crash. two were children and 37 people surviving. the plane a sukhoi super 100 regional jet shown