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tv   The Greg Gutfeld Show  FOX News  August 16, 2020 2:00pm-3:00pm PDT

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fox news channel. bret baier and martha mccar lumbar will host our -- maccallum will host our kicking off tonight, 10 p.m. eastern. of course, right here. that's it for us. i'm eric shawn. ♪ ♪ greg: so after months of careful deliberation in his hazy boy recliner -- lazy boy recliner, joe biden made his choice. ♪ ♪ greg: yes, he would have jell-o for dessert instead the of tapioca pudding. it was a tough call. meanwhile, in another room the caregivers made this lady his vp. we went to liz warren for comment.
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don't worry, liz, if joe wins, he'll make you the chief of something. chief, she definitely has the genes for that. yeah, harris got the nod but not from joe. well, he nodded, but he doesn't even in the room. oh, he was in a room but not the room. he was tucked away e in a safe house, strapped in a rubber snuggy. here's hour npr covered it. who's bigger? look how the atlantic covered it. look at this picture, who's bigger? a what's this tell you when biden is relegated to a movie poster version of robin and she's batman? we know who the top of the ticket is. i'm looking forward to how "the washington post" covers it. so does kamala help the ticket? of course she does. she's under the age of 90, she doesn't need her food cut up by a day nurse. she knows where she is. but like joe, she can talk and say almost nothing, and that is a step up. and i think this lady on msnbc
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really nails it in a segment we like to call -- >> stuff i my 8-year-old definitely said, i swear on a stack of bibles. ♪ greg: now check this out. >> i e like to look at it through the lens of what my daughter who's 8 years old when she heard that the vice president had picked kamala harris. she -- her eyes got big, chris x said, my goodness, she's south asian and jamaican, that means anything possible for a woman. and this is my daughter who's 8 years old. greg: yes, 8 years old. that definitely happened right before the child recited the value of pi to 100th place. remember, this was a year ago. reputation of twoto hear you united states senators who built their reputations and career on
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the segregation of race in this country. o you also worked with them to busing. and, you know, there was a little girl in california who was part of the second class to integrate her public schools, and she was bussed to school every day. and that little girl was me. greg: he also said she believed the women who accused joe of sexual harassmente and other stuff, but my, how that's changed. >> my husband doug and i are so grateful, grateful to become a part of your extended family. greg: oh, i'm sure dr. jill is thrilled to have a new relative who thinks her husband's a perv. you know, maybe a reporter with a brain should ask kamala harris if she thinks breath kavanaugh is still -- brett kavanaugh is still a predator too. you get it, politicians crave power and will say anything to get it. say what you want about trump,
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but there's something about him that makes these people hate him. he lets you in on it x that's cu. he doesn't pretend he's something he's not, like a moderate for maoists, which is what the media's already portraying kamala as. >> i thought about the real caricature that donald trump is going to try to offer and say that she is a a black radical who wants to destroy the kind of white american way of life and, you know, overrun the suburbs with criminals. that's going to be really hard when you see her there with this sortou of win many awe appearance -- winsome appearance. there she is in a sensible blue suit and pearls and sensible heels. greg: holy crap, so all one needs pearls and sensible heels. thank god i shop only at ann kline. if only there was evidence she isn't so centric. >> i will immediately reinstate daca protection to those young
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people. believe that when someone crosses over the border illegally, it is illegal, and you would decriminalize it. >> i would not make it a crime punishable by jail. it should be a civil enforcement issue but b not a criminal enforcement issue. that is why i support a green new deal. i believe the solution, and i actually feel very strongly about this, is that we need to have medicare for all. greg: i hope mike isn't going to let joe biden and kamala harris cut america's meat. >> we're not going to let joe biden and kamala harris cut america's meat. [laughter] greg: that is reassuring. thank you, mike. but it makes you wonder, after decades of lying about the superiority of heft-wing ideas -- left-wing ideas, you help destroy a country with liberal lunacy, and now you say, hey, you'll like this lady. but as the party lurches into a bottomless hole of leftism, maybe kamala is a moderate.
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charles manson would come off like very cold water. at least charlie was pro-family. he also was, wanted a race war. does joe as well? >> poor kids are just as bright and talented as white kids. they're going to put you all back in caves. >> got more questions. >> if you have a problem figuring out whether you're for me or trump, then you ain't black. that terrible day in charlottesville, to see those neo-nazis -- close your eyes -- and those klansmen, white supremacists, coming out of fields carrying light ared lighted torches. at that moment i knew i couldn't stand by and let donald trump -- a man who went on to say when asked about what he thought said they were very fine people -- greg: what harmful [bleep] but here's my question. if joe believes that systemic sracism exists, why is he takig up systemic space? shouldn't he admit his declining
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white male presence on the top of the ticket proves that systemic racism still exists in the democrat party and step aside for this woman of color? his systemic presence is a. ic obstacle. but what a -- systemic obstacle. what a p contrast. here's trump. >> after 49 years, israel expect united arab emirates will normalize their diplomatic relations. they will exchange embassies and ambassadorses and begin cooperation across the board. this is a truly historic moment. greg: a land mark peace deal that brings jews and arabs together for thehe better. or as cnn might describe it, racist. what was joe up to? >> every single american should beme wearing a mask when they're outside for the next three months at a minimum. finish. greg: so while trump ushers in a huge peace agreement, joe regurgitates trump's own stance as a phony mandate.
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trump makes peace, biden makes poopy. mean while, the media, this is just their tick to silence criticism by branding all forms racist. they trot it out whenever they can especially when their candidate can't stop spewing nonsense. >> then we're going to get to work fixing the mess that president trump and vice president pence have created both at home and abroad through four years of miss management and coddling of terrorists and thugs around the world. greg: what? trump coddled terrorists in this from a guy who didn't want to kill osama, now talking about a guy who thought isis -- who got soleimani and al-baghdadi? maybe they're setting the table for something, and t not just strained peas. >> period. greg: let's welcome tonight's guests.
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he can draw the comics incite economics, john adams. she's the southern belle who can raise holy hell, anchor dagen mcdowell. she's got real flair and shiny hair, kat timpf. and sharks have a tyrus week. tyrus! all right, scott, you made a prediction longing ago on the fate of ms. harris being the nominee or possibly the likely nominee after being vp. how was this rollout? where do you see it going? >> well, i've got to tell you, it doesn't seem anybody cares who the candidate is or who the vice president is. there was a pew research poll that said 56% of people supporting biden really just care that it's not trump who wins, and then on top of that there were another 13% who said they like biden because of his personality and temperament which i think is just another way of saying you don't like
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trump. so if you add those together, you've got 69% of people who support biden who don't care about anything, they just want to beat trump. exactly 9% of them said they cared about policies. which tells you they're just signaling that there's a complete, you know, nonscience party because they've given up on the psychology of motivation, incentive, anything about human beings, and they're just going with, well, instead of a constitution and maybe a bible to guide us on our moral and philosophical things, let's use hate, revenge and anger. and those will be our platforms. doesn't really matter who's running, doesn't matter what the policies are. we'll see if that works out. greg: great point. dagen, what did you make of the rollout? >> i thought it was pretty good. you know, thaw really put an exclamation point with that mask mandate. [laughter] that was clearly an idea cooked up by graham who afraid of
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stepping off the porch. you could hear that conversation happening. what about full-body condoms, can we hand those out to americans? [laughter] we need to outlaw dancing in this country because people are lifting the sweat off of 'em, and it's going to make me, i mean, elderly people sick. but one thing about kamala harris, she -- coming from, as a woman who's about the same age, being that cheery and giggly and palsy-walsy is exhausting. [laughter] particularly with a guy who, you know, was a pervy bigot or a bigoty pervert just a short while ago clearly, you know, past his sell-by date. she's not going to have the energy. this is thee giveaway. she's not going to have the energy past like a couple of years to keep this up. i think any woman in her shoes is thinking he's not going to be around for four years. maybe two if he wins, not four.
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i'm in it to win it. greg: i think that bigoty pervert is a great name for a cartoon character. [laughter] all right, kat, i know that you are not particularly pleased with this decision, kamala harris. am i right? >> you're correct. and everyone keeps pointing to fact that she was so mean to him in the debates and selling the i was that girl t-shirts and all those things, and they're like this is weird now that they're a team. to me, it's not weird because you've got the guy who wrote the 1994 crime bill, and you've got a draconian prosecutor. i think they're a match made in haven. biden spent a significant amount of his career making sure that people were locked in prison for a long time for nonviolent drug crimes, and kamala used her power as a prosecutor to insure that people would stay in prison even when any reasonable person would have add had concerns about those convictions. so makes perfect sense to me.
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do i like it? no. greg: tyrus, one thing i noticed, and i know this is such an obvious observation, how a politician could demonize somebody and embrace them later, because it's all fake. and it's actually -- don't be offended -- it's almost like it's pro wrestling in pantsuits. [laughter] it's like they're operating, it's like they're operating, it's a performance. i knew i shouldn't have said it. i knew i should not have said it. >> you're okay. you're okay. [laughter] you o don't have to call a time. [laughter] greg: all right. i already apologized. >> apology accepted. but it's before that and, to be honest with you, man, i've been angry. and i talked a lot to kat about this whole process. we always talk about overt racism, that 2% of the republican party that, you know, wear confederate flag shirts and don't like people of color. we always seem. to give a a pass to that covert
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racism, that polite racism, that look what we do for you people. you can't do anything without us. we help you do everything, and this whole process has been disrespectful to women, to people of color. if you would have told me that the only reason that you brought me on the greg gutfeld show is because you needed a black guy, i would have quit. and if it would got out in the papers, you would have been fired for being a big9 ott. but i when biden came out, and m not calling him racist, but i'm saying he let them practice racism with him, he said we're going to have a woman. why? why'd you have to say that? we're going to have a a woman of color. everyone knew kamala was the front-runner expect best one for the job given the direction of the democratic party, but you had to let everybody know look what we're doing, we're getting a woman, and a woman of color in the vp job. not thator she couldn't do it on her own off her own merits. and then the media embraces him,
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elook what we've done. look how we've helped you people. the next time they get called on racist, but i helped get on the vp. we never talk about it, and mainstream media steams to think -- seems to think it's a come compliment -- compliment and it's not. greg: i hair hired you because i know you canou beat up all my stalkers. [laughter] >> you're okay. greg: all right. let's move on. my live show, sunday in cape cod, in support of the -- it's now sold out. sorry about that. the nixon library hosting a broadcast interview between myself and hugh hewitt to discuss the book on wednesday. all tickets include an autographed copy of the book and exclusive access to the broadcast. nixon foundation.org or ggutfeld.com. still ahead,ng chaos coast to coast. i'm gonna grow big and strong.
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in chicago businesses were looted last week with what the mayor says is an greg: true, crime is the only organized thing about chicago. even the ronald mcdonald house near a children's hospital had its window ands front doors smashed. but i'm sure those brats had it coming, right, cnn? the cops put up a web site with blips of the destruction including this video of looters who live streamed themselves. they knew they wouldn't get caught, or if they did, they knew they wouldn't be punished. in portland. fort myer and in new york they are putting them up the homeless up in hotels. shootings and violent leathr death are exploding.
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criminals are not being prosecuted and felons are being released to reoffend. dagen, you know what i find interesting about dems? when you talk to them about this on tv, they will say it's not that bad. this is the only time democrats don't exaggerate things. like climate change ended the world. the police are monsters. but then you show them this stuff, and they will go, it's pore rattic. -- it's spore d sp. i have to look outside the door before i go in the street. and here comes a 6'4" guy buck naked. at least he's not armed. but then as i am getting ready
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to go out -- here comes another guy carrying a 2 x 4. in new york city the second amendment doesn't exist because it's basically the soviet union. i don't have any way to protect myself. i conjure up ways to protect myself. do i carry a baseball bat? a golf club? that's ages me. i am smalling back on doing some karate moves. i just have to make sure i'm bleeding, no matter what happens so the cops actually show up. greg: they may be carpenters. you may be jumping the gun here. it's kind of dangerous, tyrus. maybe i am guilty of
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exaggerating this. but i feel like every day there is something new. >> no, you made some good points about global warming. but they don't have to be accountable for that. 1 years from now the world will turn into pudding. your city is burning down, it's not that bad, pay no attention to the fire behind you. here is the craziness. i feel like all i'm talking about is racism this week. but the first black woman police chief who works hard to get -- to make history, what you all wanted. what we need was change and she had to quit because you forced her out. and because you said i accept your resignation with heartfelt. what is that?
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it's no different. you did the same thing that the extreme 2% of the people who say i don't like black people or whatever. those racist people do, but they can't do because they are not connected. you actually did it. your systemic racism moves people of color out of their jobs. greg: scott, is the worst yet to come? i don't see a way to tamp this down. is there another video? what happens if one of these police officers gets a not guilty? it's going to start over again. they might have overcharged them. >> i expect the george floyd thing to come back with something less than the full murder situation. there is some trouble ahead. to me the unintended consequences are the interesting part. because usually you have to use
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your imagination to see what would it be like if democrats largely got what they wanted? what would that look like. you turn on the tv. and you go, ahh, that's what it looks like. if people say fire in the dumpster is no big deal. but the crime stats. when one of the looters said looting is reparations. people looked at that and said good for me. i think we are done. i think they are coming out from behind on this. that's not what anybody wanted. greg: kat? how is live in manhattan for you. is it still an interesting walk
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to work? >> i can't walk to work. >> everyone is starting to move out of our apartment building and we are starting to get neighbors like a tent city. when you look at what happened in chicago with the children's hospital. the people doing the rioting have made it clear because [bleep] the system. they made that clear. what is not clear is what sick children in a hospital have to do with the system that they are upset about. i'm a libertarian. i'm not a fan of the system. my whole thing is i'm not fa a fan of the system as a libertarian. name one thing that's because of a child in the hospital or their family. we are just allowing it to happen for political points. people tell me all the time. when i hear someone say manhattan is not that bad. i am look out my window.
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even though i wear glasses, i have 20-0 vision. 20- -- 20-20 vision. i ♪ here's your iced coffee! ♪ america runs on dunkin'
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♪ ♪ jon: live from america's news headquarters, i'm jon scott. polices in cincinnati investigating a series of shootings overnight that left at
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least four people dead and nineteen hurt. they say the incidents were unrelated. former vice president joe biden officially becomes the democratic presidential nominee this week. the democratic national convention kicks off tomorrow officially in milwaukee but mostly online. biden will deliver his acceptance speech thursday from wilmington, delaware. former first lady michelle obama delivers tomorrow night's prime time key note. also speaking this week, former president obama, republican john kasich and biden's running mate, kamala harris. fox news coverage begins with a preview tonight at 10 p.m. eastern. i'm jon scott, i'll be back in half an hour with an a all new "fox report." now back to greg gutfeld. ♪
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dwreg * is business humming because business is coming? if you are psychic, why didn't you give us a heads up. in toyland fisher-price announced a new play seth so kids can act like their parents during the lockdown. that's hardly complete so i made my own toy. it's called studio apartment misery. it comes with a bottle of cheap vodka, a pillow to scream into. and divorce papers. duke university tested different
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masks. bandana and neck gators stink while sun cal cotton and n95 masks performed well. look at this one. that one did very well. and this one. this is from my personal collection. this one kept me from getting the coronavirus. but it got me arrested in phoenix. i guess it's not appropriate attire for midnight mass. i want to comment about -- there are people suffering from the living situation of covid, not covid itself. but the living situation. most of them are living in apartments. new yorkers and other city dwellers would brag, we are not like in alabama where we need a backyard, because my backyard is central park.
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now it's not the case anymore. it's the apartment living that's driving everybody insane. because you are not alone. you are with a baby or two children. >> i have an empty room, thank god. but yes, i am back in therapy. from my new york apartment. it's -- the kids toys things make no sense. they will be the on ones having fun in any of this. there is truly nothing to do. we should keep them away from -- from pretending to be as misable as their parents. when we got a new refrigerator and my parents let me have the box. i took it out in the yard. it was the best day ever. you are a kid, everything is
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interesting. the world is just like that. greg: the box that you got as a kid was larger than the apartment you have in new york. in a way, you are a psychic. do you care to make any now about the pandemic? >> anybody who says anything about the pandemic has been wrong. so when i look at the psychics and compare their track record to the world health organization i think we should give the psychics a chance. on this toy stuff, i don't believe in giving little kids expensive toys. i would go rather than the work at home group. i would goat antifa kit. here is a piece of plywood, here is a shield.
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here is a brick. you can play all day with a brick. if you have got a friend, the friend might not like it. my prediction is anybody who is predicting will be wrong. greg: tyrus would you like to hear the gutfeld theory of oral concealment? >> one second, i have got to clean up for it. i am good. >> i believe there is a secondary pleasure derived from mask wearing. we created concealment for the body which creates a sense of intimacy when the mask comes off. it's like an adult film when the librarian removes the glasses or the lab assistant lets her hair down. so removing the mask will resolve over time. for the rest of young people's
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lives, the mask will be like loosening a bra. is that crazy? am i nuts? is there something wrong with me, tyrus. i am just a little cleaner. the answer to your question, greg, is sure. you are [bleep] there is nothing sexy about the mask. i even tried to be creatively sexy with the mask. i put the mask on and jumped out. she said take the damn mask out and do the dishes. no one is looking at the mask. it would be difficult hearing someone with difficulty breathing through that. questioning * dagen, any
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thoughts on the pandemic mask? anything you want. >> i am thinking how much thought you put into that. the toy set. way to give your kids carpel tunnel -- carpal tunnel and the dow ander's hump. >> tech: when you've got auto glass damage... ...safelite can come to you. >> tech: and you'll get a text when we're on our way. >> tech: just leave your keys on the dash and we'll replace your windshield with safe, no-contact service. >> tech: schedule at safelite.com. >> singers: ♪ safelite repair, safelite replace. ♪ and mine's unlisted.. try boost® high protein... -with 20 grams of protein for muscle health- -versus only 16 grams in ensure® high protein. and now enjoy boost® high protein in new café mocha flavor.
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greg: nasa announced lans to stop referring to outer space knick names.
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erase systemic racism and inequality in science. we'll give you 5 seconds to vomit. nasa says they will work with diversity experts on nicknames. but it got us thinking. what other titles are in need of cancellation. what about the big bang? dwarf planet? how do you think that makes me feel. and solar system? replace it with social justice system. black hole? what a way to racially profile gravity. he got it in his whiskers.
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tyrus. nasa -- >> is it racist? oh, yeah. this whole show this week is two words. creep and racism. i looked up nebula. it is an n word but it's not the one we don't want. it means a cloud or gas in space. so i can see how that's offensive. galaxy is a gathering of stars held together by gravity. as far as eskimo, if you are going to take away eskimo nebula. i have a nebula behind me. we have to get rid of eskimo pie. and eskimo kiss, the cute nose rub? got to go. so let's just -- that's the best
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i can do, greg. i have got to do something with this ridiculousness. greg: dagen, did you have nicknames while you were growing up? >> yes, but i can't use them on television. but i'm just made up a list of general words here on planet we should try to get rid of. feminist. fungible. clammy, and moist. those are my top ones. greg: do you remember the guy who landed a spacecraft on a comet? it was a big deal but the media focused on the shirt he was wearing. science took a back seat to woke
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hysteria. >> i don't remember that story, but i'm totally on board with nasa getting rid of these offensive names. i have a few myself. why do we call it the sun. it couldn't be the daughter. it's always the sun. how about asteroids? i prove hemorrhoids. it's just more polite. milky way. it sounds pretty white to me. i would like to see the chocolate milky way or the neapolitan way. and why is it black people get the hole? seriously. >> who thought that through? greg: nobody. you get those, and i'm good after that. greg: kat, what are your
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thoughts on this? >> i think thinking about outer space is so thought provoke and crazy to think we are just one planet and ways all that other stuff out there. so imagine what you think about is -- the what when we call it offensive. that's the sign of a simple, sad brain. i would say i'm not a fan. >> there is no final frontier of wokism. my least favorite story up next. ♪ book two separate qualifying stays and earn a free night.
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greg: should you pay more if you are 54. a consumer advocacy group looks into how tinder adjusts prices according to their able, and location. but straight guys got hit up for almost $100,000 a month. i am kidding. it's $35 a month. but it's almost as bad as this
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wedgy. america's future right there. all right, scott, you are over 50. and you just got married to a young, beautiful woman. do you think this is fair? >> as you said, i don't need the service. but i did a spreadsheet to see what i would have to pay. i put in short, bald trump supporter who still thinks puns are hilarious. my monthly tinder fee would be over $7 million. so it's not really the service for me. greg: i'm going to say this makes sense. in the realm of evolution and
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natural selection. men are biologically a time a dozen. women have a higher status the younger they are. >> i threw a funeral for my 30th birthday for a reason. exactly. this is awesome and i would say justice. men don't age. they do sort of. but it's too stages. first they are young. then there is distinguished. women age in two phases first. but the first one is i have to constantly worry that someone wants to hook up with me. and i have to worry that no one will want to touch me again. it's true. have any of you straight middle aged guys the past few years done comments on instagram about
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scrambling eggs? if you are 90, you can get a 19-year-old woman pregnant and the only way you will get hit for it, you have got to pay up or zip it up. when i say it, i am not talking about your mouth. greg: if you don't pay for the app, you probably won't pay for the appetizer at dinner. i'm into puns, too. >> all of you have what these guys who go on tinder to pick up women don't have. that's a sense of humor. it's the easiest thing in the world for a middle aged guy to get a girl. maybe if you took off that nickel back t-shirt and took the flip-flops off, you could get a
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gal without going online. greg: tyrus, you get the last word. >> first of all, it's 100% the right thing to do. what is the sexiest thing about old men? their wallets. their green backs. a 90-year-old man can make a baby with a 19-year-old. he's got rolexes and he gives her an atm card and says have fun, he can do whatever he wants. it's not how old you get, it's how old your money is. guys, you are looking at this the wrong way. if i hit 50 and i don't have anybody, i made it. i'm smart. i will focus on my career. i will work on that car in my garage. i will get things done.
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don't you just love the look on the kids' faces... yea, that look of pure terror... ...no, no, the smile... ...and that second right before the first tear comes... ...what?! pizza on a bagel-we can all agree with that. do you want a hug? some companies still have hr stuck between employeesentering data.a. changing data. more and more sensitive, personal data. and it doesn't just drag hr down. it drags the entire business down -- with inefficiency, errors and waste. it's ridiculous. so ridiculous. with paycom, employees enter and manage their own data in a single, easy to use software. visit paycom.com, and schedule your demo today.
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greg: >> we are out of time. thanks to scott, dagen, kat and tyrus. i'm greg gutfeld, and i love you america. jon: a big week ahead for democrats. the party is getting ready for what will be an unprecedented mostly digital convention as president trump visits crucial swing states in person. good evening, i'm jon scott. this is "the fox report". the president is looking to counter the dnc with visits to several key battleground states this week, including pennsylvania, where he's expected to deliver a speech just hours before joe biden accepts the democratic nominati nomination. meanwhile the battle over mail-in voting rages on. president trump remains at odds with democrats

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