made in the us and my favorite and my kids favorite, the camo hat. set your dvr to stay connected with it. thanks for watching. it is america now and forever. greg gutfeld, takes it from here. here. have a great weekend. >> greg: it's friday and our last show in nashville. then back to new york city. i wish i could express how i

feel about that. please don't let them take me. can i just stay a little longer? i will sleep on your couch. i won't take up a lot of room. i sound like cat arguing with her husband. but tonight, we're going out with a bang. look who's here tonight? oh, yes, it's miss dana perino. so glad, really happy she made it here. here she is arriving in nashville. both of us here, i

wonder what "the five" was like today? they're already in bed. yeah, hep does. perino was the only person smaller than gutfeld. you can see cat's here. so hooray for that. good to see you. made to the studio given last night's antics. she may be clumsy but her opinions are as clear as the terror in her husband's eyes. before we get to the monologue,

it's time for -- >> greg's seven jokes. number one, shocking news from the set of "the view" host anna navarro and sunny hostin tested positive for covid. worse, "the view" tested positive for joy behar. it's incurable. they had to rush kamala harris far from the studio. it was easy. they just told her it was the southern border. [ applause ] >> greg: dog the bounty hunter has joined the search for fugitive brian laundrie. police believe his help is crucial as they believe laundrie might be hiding inside of a mullet. good news, mcdonald's mcrib is mcback. the bad news is, so is my mcdiarrhea. according to

research, scientists say three masks protect you the most. well, i can't wait to hear the results of their condoms study. same principle. amazon unveiled a new amazon robot for $999. if i'm paying $1,000 for a robot maid, i better be able to have sex with it. they'll call it the schwarzenegger. and no. up, u.s. airlines are now considering weight limits for passengers. and other news, brian stelter, i hope you like trains. and that's greg's seven jokes. back to the screening hell escape called manhattan. did you hear? as kids get shot, junkies take over and elderly get mugged by gangs of thugs, also known as

democrats. the mayor has redefined policing as customer service. >> literally the question from nypd to the people we serve, how did we do? fundamental customer service idea. it's never existed previously in the nypd. but it will be the future of the nypd. the very fact we're talking about customer service in the context of nypd. that's revolutionary. >> greg: it is. i'm still wondering how did a festering lincoln log become mayor? what is it with democrat leaders? once they win? do they take a secret oath to destroy everything? you couldn't ruin a big city faster if you were mothera. diblasio has turned a once great city into a cesspool of chaos which is like geraldo's hot tub. and like geraldo's hot tub, nyc

is filled with half naked crazy people and it's prone to flooding. so the police is now customer service, that's great. it's no longer to protect and serve, it's let me help you return that defective garden hose to home depot. after you get mugged, you can stay on the line and update your car warranty. the mugger is released on to the next victim while you're on hold listening to air supply. as crime explodes, the mayor wants community guides, community guides to greet visitors at city police stations because they heard that the police were gruff and dismissive. well, mayor, so are the muggers and the rapists. you just described everybody who lived in new york. the only new yorkers who aren't gruff are dead. thank you, andrew cuomo. gruffness that's the problem here? not murder or assault. now we turned cops into walmart greeters. that's the problem with cities run by leftists. they conflate law and order with

brutality. so the solution, emasculation. we're not even calling crime crime anymore. see, this is not crime. it's reallocations of goods. >> look at this. oh -- insane, yo. >> this is in the middle of the ulta right now. >> greg: hmm, he has a future of a crime reporter. but the good news is, if you play that video in reverse, it looks like these guys work there and they're stocking the shelves. >> look at this. insane. insane, yo. this is in the middle of the ulta right now. >> greg: problem solved. hey, if we only had the police there to greet them and help them load

the stuff into the stolen truck. yo, sarge, mind grabbing the end of the flat screen. we excuse the criminals who are the real threats, the national school board who represents 90,000 school officials begged joe biden on wednesday upset over upover mask mandates forced upon their kids saying parents should be treated like domestic terrorisms by extremist organizations. yeah, the mom looking out for her kids is the same as a one-eyed monster with a hook for the hand some they implored joe biden to deploy the fbi. they'll probably listen. the teacher's union realizing the worst thing about covid is parents realizing how bad the unions are. and now that parents are taking a more active role from these idiot, they're considered a threat. anyone who disagrees with these

sanctimonious self-righteous a-holes are a threat. remember the soldier who spoke up about the afghanistan debacle? he's in the brig. and how about the man who saved the baby in kabul. he was invited up by donald trump last week. >> i pulled the baby over the wall and it's one of the greatest things i've done in my entire life. >> greg: not so fast, buster. hopping on that stage might have broke policy. they treat him like he's john hinckley. like the biden administration is attempting the biggest purge since tyrus went on that juice cleanse. you see what's happening here? we're criminalizing citizens and

decriminalizing crime. it makes no sense. but maybe it's the only way democrats can lower crime statistics. the nicest host at fox news and if you disagree, she'll stab you. dana perino. and there's nothing wrong with your screen. that's just how he looks. writer and comedian, joe devito. he's like an armadillo, tough exterior, but curling up in the ball. finally, what band is your waistband. in the nwa world television champion.

>> welcome to nashville. youf never been down south before. it's quite an experience. youf been arrested numerous times for horrific times. this is an agreement the cobs may be greeting mored. >> they're gruff and dismissive? i lived in new york ten years. i've become gruff and dismissive over that time. no, not really. i'm not. this might be good news for the business owners who have homeless people sitting outside of their shops for years on end. one girl has been sitting outside the juice generation for, i don't know, eight years. and she's pregnant for eight years. >> greg: wow, she's begging for two. >> dana. if you have customer service now, maybe the business owners can be helped along. >> you're saying it could be a good idea on that. i might be wrong. >> i didn't see it like that. >> how did you see it? >> i saw it they were implying

that there were people who would talk to the cops but worried that they rude. i would snitch on my mob boss but i heard the cops don't say please and thank you. >> greg: and also, again, like that liberal thing where they sniff around the edges of a huge problem and say problem is solved by solving something that didn't need solving. i don't want a nongruff cop, cat. >> i think you're supposed to be gruff if you fight crime. it would be weird and passive aggressive if you weren't. >> was it is crime fighting dog, mcgruff? >> he didn't smile. >> greg: he didn't smile at all. why would you when you know you're going be dead in 14 years. probably not a good joke. >> thank you, dead dog to me. thank you. >> greg: it reminds me of your beard. >> i wish you could show the clip of diblasio so it will go

into his mouth. the idea that the police are supposed to do customer service. how exactly does that work with your assault conviction? you get a free ice cream sundae? amazing what he's done to new york city. it's like in the movies where you see the characters throw the match over his shoulder and everything explodes behind him. that's bill diblasio every day when he leaves the house destroying new york city in some new and exciting way. >> greg: like me when i leave a restroom. >> use a mask. >> greg: i risk a little when i throw the mask. should have thought about it. love the hat. >> funny joke, greg. >> greg: you got the boots and the hat? >> excuse me while i whip this out. always wanted to say that. kind

of mad about this. in my youth, please, get on the ground -- i would like to speak to a manager. the cop is like, sorry, sir, be right back. more time to get away. we've just lost our mind. customer service -- protecting you from criminals is customer service. kicking in the door and saving you is customer service. if anyone needs customer service, it's our men and women in blue that need customer service. and i would just like to say to the family of snakes that gave all of this to us, thank you. >> greg: snake skin? >> it was. it's my skin now. >> greg: one last one. we didn't talk about how the teacher's group are calling

parents potential terrorists. we are now -- we entered the stage where we're we newsing the potential threat. have you noticed this? everyone can be a potential threat. i'm a potential threat for pointing this out. every since they did this whole there's an invisible terrorist domestic threat, everybody could be fingered, and not in a good way. >> oh, god. >> good one to end on, greg. >> as a parent, this is a double-edged sword. they cry when we don't get involved. when we get involved, how dare you -- you're a terrorist if you call me out. you're a terrorist if you don't agree with me. you're a terrorist if you hold me accountable. well, i will change that. what's the new hat sara is wearing these days. >> you want to use the patriot act to go after united states citizens. how do you think this ends. >> greg: not well. but this segment ended well. because up next, we got a great

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>> greg: she showed no remorse for riding her high horse, a nosey journalist drops a dime on a family that's committed no crime. it can only mean one thing. nation of narcs. tonight's episode, heather cahill covers congress for politico but moonlights as the mask police. yesterday she tweeted this photo with the caption, mask requirements in the house, tours no it allowed. but here we are, group of nine, only two masks. oh, sweet naive dumb heather.

anthony weiner sent less ill-advised tweets. if only you had known this was a gold star family grieving the loss of their loved one, one of the 13 american heroes kill in the kabul terrorist bombing in in august. you remember, the operation that biden called a success. so instead of asking a few questions, she decided to squeal like miss piggy with an apple in her mouth. the people in the photo were who they were, she doubled down, replying, how does that exempt them from wearing a mask. in theory, it doesn't. but in reality, you're a [ bleep ]. [ applause ] >> greg: sometimes no word fits except for that word. why, joe, why can't people mind their own damn business.

what is the inclination going on the public -- go on the twitter and do that. >> journalists used to be people and they walked around with pads and pens and when they had questions, they asked people and wrote things down. they didn't say who can i agree with and who can i get in trouble? for her to do that, it's so stupid she didn't ask what's going on here. this is someone like it's in the middle of the day, why do all of these cars have their lights on? it's a funeral procession. show a little respect. she's a journalist, i have a hot tip for her. if you want to narc on people not wearing mask, there was a secret meeting called the emmys. there was a private party at martha's vineyard where few people were wearing masks except for servants they used as appliances. maybe she can go do that story. >> greg: she wasn't tweeting in

obama's birthday. cat, why didn't she take the l? >> you're very hip. i'm not sure you get it. you do that, you make a mistake and you're a normal well adjusted human being, you have to be horrified, you have to feel so bad. she said, i still don't get how that exempts them from wearing masks. if that's your reaction, there's nothing i can do to explain it to you. there's just something so fundamentally wrong with your brain. >> greg: yes. you know, i think you're guilty of something similar to this. you're in a car, a cab is in front of you and it's not moving and you start honking and a little old lady gets out of the back. she's got a little walker. she keeps honkinger many. >> get out of the way. >> this happens to me when i come up to a stop sign, someone

locks it. >> greg: you should be in a car, tyrus. >> the taxis never stop. i don't know if they don't see me. i'm the biggest reincarnation of "the american dream" dusty rhodes or something. whatever. i'm willing to bet, i don't know if it's true, i feel like it's a fact when she was doing that, she wasn't wearing a mask. what would have been cool, aha, as you took that picture, i took a picture of you without your mask. hypocritical, tattle tales, follows on the other night, you talked about what's missing? where are our bullies at? the wedgy guys? the mean girls, where are our superheros to go after these people? >> greg: tattling is the new bullying. you assume this kind of fake authority. you're like doing it for the bet

betterment of society. she cares more about calling out the maskless people, then what about the deaths of these soldiers? i mean, it's like -- i don't know. >> if you're a gold star family, as far as i'm concerned, you can do whatever the hell you want for the rest of your life. this reporter needs to take a page out of my book, i have a future book, "tweets i never sent" and it will never be published. i had a feeling she knew in her gut that you should apologize. but she's under the impression you don't do that anymore. she made it worse. call back -- do you remember, there's a press secretary who tweeted one of the obama girls should have worn a more appropriate outfit in the rose garden. she got fired because the condemnation of her was so strong. where was the condemnation of this? >> greg: you're right. double standard.

i just invented that term. i come up with them all the time, dana. >> can i write a book after yours called tweets that got your as kicked? >> no, we'll have a series. >> greg: there you go. up next, folks.

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>> greg: yes, all right? [ applause ] >> greg: the crimes were fake, but the school's reaction takes it cake. yep, another hate crime hoax brings out the stupid folks. a black student has admitted to writing racist graffiti in several bathrooms in central high school in missouri which led to more than 1,000 students walking out in protest. the kid who wrote, "hope all black people die" and other racist crap faces severe disciplinary action -- an internship with joy reid.

look -- look, teens do dumb stuff all the time like trying to escape from my basement. but as usual, the adults involved come up looking just at idiotic, that's because the school district superintendent wrote to parents even though this is all a hoax -- it does not diminish the cause or the negative impact on the entire community. more work is needed to ensure our school is safe for each student regardless of racement. now there's more work to be done to keep safe from hobts and big foot. we need recognize a hoax. they happened all the time. the hokes are getting out of hand because the supply of real racism won't meet the demand. i wonder if the angry black male has some thoughts.

>> hello? what, gutfeld? never seen a brother working in a honky toning before. a lot of lies being told in this country lately, this ain't one of them. i'm not an angry black man, but he is. >> i am livid, sir. who's the toughest man in nashville. i want to know. >> whoa, whoa, hey, here, here. y'all better get out of here. he's finishing that, he's going to fight somebody. oh, god, i can't chug another one of these. >> greg: anything to add with what we saw? >> joe mackey.

even the response is the problem. we don't put accountability more. we do have issues with kids seeking attention. now they know if they make it a social issue, he's going to be prince for the day. when he gets caught, they're going to say, well, it's still a problem. >> greg: a learning experience. >> instead of making him apologize -- back in my day, his little as would have been walked to the schoolyard and apologize to the entire school for what he did. his mom would have given him a whipping and his neighbor would have given him a whipping. oh, it didn't happen? he would haven't done it again. the problem is, no accountable. we're going to do things like that. it's easy. >> greg: that's the problem, dana. if the hoax or the real thing, there's no difference, then that means that you can continue to do this, you will never get any accountability. and it will -- it will just continue on and on because the press only reports the first part. >> right. >> greg: they never report the second part, except per us. >> if you make victim hood a

virtue, then young people seeking popularity will try to become victims. they have to make it up jussie smolle tshg t is one, right? we covered it how many days in a row. when it turned out to be fake, we haven't heard much about that. >> greg: this is funny. on "the five", in the greenroom, the day it happened, we all knew it was fake because we couldn't say anything. >> for like three days. >> greg: we're going, we know it's fake. i knew it was fake. i could start to see the liberals saying, yeah, it's fake, it's fake. have you ever been part of a hoax? >> no. no. wearing a padded bra. but other than that, no.

[ applause ] >> anymore questions? >> enough said. >> greg: you hear a story like this, it's always false. who does graffiti in the bathroom anymore when you have twitter? >> i think there are real problems in the world that you could devote your time to trying to solve rather than creating new ones for attention that means you have -- that's a serious problem and you have a mental issue that you should probably get help with. >> greg: but that's the excuse that they use, right? they go, this person is like -- they give them therapy -- >> oh, he's also a [ bleep ]. >> greg: you know, maybe being a [ bleep ] is a medical problem. (laughter) >> it is now, gutfeld. way to go. >> greg: joe, what do you make of this? >> i want to make one thing clear that a padded bra is not just a hoax, that's a hate crime. won't stand for it. this is what

bothers me about these hokes is when they're announced, it creates this bad negative energy. it's like a burning smell. but then, when we realize the hoax was nonsense to begin with, that bad energy sticks around. people are still emotionally hurt by this. we can't allow this stuff. and what fascinates me is when you look at jussie smollet -- >> "small-lay". >> greg: his idea is it's the cartoonish twirling the mustache, we were supposed to belief they were ma ga country, trump supporters carrying bleach in chicago at 2:00 a.m. >> on the subway. >> and they recognized him from that stupid show? but we have things like this, it's really bad. there knees to be severe public punishment for the people who create a public crisis like this. [ applause ] >> greg: if you create -- -- if

you create a hate crime hoax that could be treated as a hate crime -- as a hate crime. same penalties. and that should solve the problems. >> as a black man, we knew it was fake from jump. who's seen a racist fight in a snowstorm? i'm telling you right now, me and the klan and it's snowing, i'll see you in the summer, for right now, let's cuddle, it's cold. >> greg: like the taliban, you have a fighting season. coming up,

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>> greg: when throwing down your booze is as easy as one, two, three, when you want to get so plastered, you can barely see. when you dump a pint of vodka in your afternoon tea, it means it's time for -- >> drinking with kathie lee.

[ applause ] i got you a gift. >> i expected more from you than that. >> greg: don't ever expect a lot from me. i live on the bare minimum. >> i didn't expect a lot. i expected more. >> greg: this is -- >> this is john rich's stuff. he's a sweetheart. i don't drink whiskey. >> greg: you were pounding the wine. did you see her back there? >> (laughter). >> yeah, i don't drink whiskey. >> i don't. >> greg: neither do i. i use it as a suppository. you moved from the east coast down here. are you happier down here. what is it like? >> you know what? i thought i was moving a sort of temporarily -- i thought i was going to bide my time half and half and keep my home in connecticut and i found a little -- >> greg: is that like a mammal?

>> it's french for something you can afford. i don't make the big bucks like you, mr. nighttime. i'm so excited for you. greg, we've been friends for a long, long time. i'm glad i moved away. you would come to my house, sit in my garden, watch the sailboats go by. and he would be invited for lunch and i couldn't get rid of him until way after dinner. and this beautiful russian rusky wife would go, greg, you must go home. get in the car, get in the car, greg! >> greg: she's not watching right now. >> you're safe, she's in moscow. >> greg: should we do one story? all right. first up. a man wasn't tardy to his own search party. a tushgish man -- >> aren't they all?

>> greg: reportedly got so drunk he didn't realize he joined an emergency crew that were looking for him. he drunkenly stumbled into the woods only trying to find himself. sadly, they didn't let him claim the reward money. >> that's just wrong. >> greg: more news about booze, interesting. mick jagger grabbed a quick beer at the thirsty beaver. who hasn't had one of those. a lot of people have beavers as pets. >> no. >> greg: as well as the animals. >> it's over. it's over. >> greg: so he posted this photo on instagram, someone use add filter to make their lips look smaller. the bar's owner says no one recognized the 141-year-old rocker, even world famous rock stars can enjoy a beer in peace.

>> happy for him. >> greg: at another local bar, keith richards enjoyed a nice tall glass of embalming fluid. isn't this proof when men get really old, it doesn't matter how rich you are, no one can see you. we're in a nation that adores and add lates youth. frankly, it makes me sick. >> everything makes you sick. >> greg: it's true. i had the worst -- >> the truth is, say the first part about -- they don't see them. >> greg: they're invisible after a certain age. >> no. no. when i first came to new york for 40 years ago, almost every man that i met said every single one of them said you're the first woman that i have met in town that isn't after my money. they may not see the man, but they see the money. not every woman, there are great women everywhere. but in certain places, it's a

button. it's a tender spot, so to speak. that's what they're after. and you're either interested in that, that's what you come for. you come like mary tyler moore for your dreams to come true. >> greg: then you throw your hat in the air. >> hold on, mick jagger wasn't meeting -- he was just waiting on a friend. . >> we get more invisible everywhere. >> greg: you miss new york? >> no. i miss some of the people in new york very much. i miss hoda and a lot of my crew from the today show. i miss regis. he's with jesus. you know? having -- >> greg: there's a great rime. >> regis and jesus having a few laughs. you know what i miss? i used to walk by, you know, construction sites, and pretend that i was -- when guys would go, oh, hey, babe, ooh, nothing

now. i miss it. i miss it. talk about invisible. >> greg: tell me about it. a few cases we have to walk by back and forth just to get a stare. what am i talked about? we've got to go. kathie lee has a new book. >> i do. >> greg: yes. it's call "the jesus i know." it comes out next month. >> that's what i am here to promote? >> greg: too late, promote the

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>> greg: welcome back. so, this is the part of the show where we had standup comedy all week but we ran out of comics. why not read from steve doocy's book of recipes. who doesn't love a good recipe. >> i can do it. >> greg: we're going to have a whole segment to steve doocy's new book. >> i can do it. i brought my microphone already >> greg: i promised steve doocy.

>> would you like to listen about gruten free spa get ty or listen to the one and only cat? >> i've been carrying this microphone all week waiting for my shot. see how it goes. no matter how bad your life is going, there's somebody on the internet who has it worse and is being very open about that. i have a few friends on face boom that are blowing up my feed with the most depressing stuff in the world. like -- guess it's another night at home watching tv by myself unless someone wants to call me but they won't because no one

ever does. yo, that's because you made it clear that you suck. no one is going to invite you to the party if they're worried you're going to sob violently at it. make everybody think things are going better than they are. it's like a padded bra for your life. the internet can make you sad sometimes too, though, because there's a lot of very hot people on there. okay? i clip fake hair into my actual hair every day because i feel like i have to keep one the kardashian, right? but i'm not sure how much it really matters. because in all of my experiences with men, i know men cannot tell if a woman has good hair.

they don't know. i've never seen guys at a bar pointing at a girl and go, oh, did you see that girl brooinl's -- brian's talking to? her hair has like no vol yum -- volume. should have seen the hair on the girl i was with last night. the sheen, bro, the sheen. women, we are way too insecure for no reason. i do not mean that in the body positivity way. because, the body positivity. they make -- those people, everything worse, right? do you remember the dove soap normal bodies campaign, right? the women in the ads were like -- we're -- our body is normal in our underwear. buy our soap. right? okay, okay, cool, cool.

how is that supposed to make anyone feel any better? saying your body is normal is not a compliment. the john mayer song was like, ♪ your body is normal normal body ♪♪ don't think it would have been as big of a hit, right? my husband told me i looked normal once. i cried so hard my fake eyelashes fell off. you might have heard about that because i did post-it on facebook. nobody invited me to their parties that week. thank you guys. [ applause ] >> greg: we'll be right back.

>> greg: we are out of time.

check your dvrs every night. [ applause ] how about our studio audience. we love you. mandatory vaccinations but what's happening on -- ♪ ♪ >> jesse: hello, everybody. i'm jesse watters along with dagen mcdowell, richard fowler, kennedy and dan bongino. 5:00 in new york city and this is "the five." >> jesse: president biden on capitol hill moments ago trying to savage $3.5 trillion socialist agenda. the president not sounding too confident after stepping out of the meeting. >> i'm tell you we're going to get this done. [shouting] >> it doesn't matter