collective and unified positions that we would all -- not just prefer -- we desire, we believe -- it is in the best interest of all that there's a diplomatic end. >> laura: was anyone impressed by kamala harris in munich, she really diffused the tensions! that's it for us tonight. "gutfeld" up next. ♪♪ >> greg: look at them. look at them. look at all of these people, all so happy, happy, happy people. yeah, baby. yeah. that's right. yes, we are awesome! we are awesome! [cheers and applause] ha! hello, america! hello, america! and united states of texas.

[laughter] great to be here. great to be here. yesterday we left new york city. what a relief! leaving there for here is like waking up from a bad dream. like going from the texans to the cowboys. you know what? i don't even know what that means. i don't know anything about sports. it's like going from joy bayheart's death that isn't anything that's joy bayheart's death. i would take a bed of nails, that, i know. thank you, by the way, for the gift basket. i've only been in texas for one day and i already got an ar-15. applauding an ar-15. i got an ar-15 a bible and beto o'rourke's balls in a pickle

jar. that's an applause line. i am kidding. we all know beto has no balls. even caitlyn jenner would tell him to grow up there. i don't even get that joke. remember when he said he was coming for your guns? and you said, yes, try it, nancy. this guy couldn't get a glue gun from an art teacher. and yet he wants to run for governor. that's a joke. his odds of becoming governor are as good as hunter biden passing a drug test. originally i had kat's name in there but i realized that hunter is funnier but like beto, right now, the democrats are running into a problem. whether they want to admit it or not, america is more like texas than it is like california or new york. that means -- [cheers and applause] -- this monologue is going to take the whole show.

that means americans want an america that's more like america, and like our show, a lot of people are coming here for that very same reason, especially from california, which makes sense. the u-hauls are headed in one direction and the apocalypse in the other. the state, california, is home to the largest share of the country's billionaires and also the highest poverty rate. they build walls around their mansions but turn your backyardes into truck stop bathrooms except with more poop which means that california goes to hell in a hand basket woven by progressives and the rich and powerful don't care. so everyone in between has no choice but to leave for greener pastures. i can't blame them. everything in texas is bigger and better, even kat has grown since she's been here. she's at least 5'3", but texas had a better covid response than new york did, probably because

your governor didn't kill more grannies than a badly-placed slip rug. if only those grandmas had been hotter, cuomo would have kept them around. that is disgusting! that is disgusting! so here's a comparison. texas has no state income tax or inherited tax but california and new york have some of the highest in the nation which means you, texas could have more money to spend on your kids and by kids, i mean firearms. in texas, the best college football team is named after a majestic impressive breed of cattle. in california, the best college football team is named after a condom. in texas, -- in texas, you have the bustling new tesla factory and the home base of elon mask. in california, they have 39 empty cheesecake factories and a

homeless guy living in front of each one. so one state is building cars and the other makes people live in them. in texas, you have to build a wall to protect the border. in new york, we had to build a wall to protect women from our governor. in texas, the state bird is the northern mockingbird. in new york, it's a greasy pigeon with one eye and a human finger in his mouth. we call that the goosey. in texas, you have joe rogan. in new york, they have cnn or what's left of cnn. every day someone gets fired or arrested. they're so low on employees, check out their new office assistant. yeah.

they are -- they're so desperate at cnn, some employees have been forced to harass themselves. new york has hillary clinton. texas does not have hillary clinton. [cheers and applause] texas has rodeos. new york, new york has this. there you go. that's what you call a new york rodeo. a rat with a slice of pizza. they both go well together with a chianti. in texas, in texas, you have real cowboys who speak politely and know how to handle their guns. in california, in california, they have alec baldwin. in texas, a hoedown is a dance.

in -- [laughter] why bother? why bother? all right. in new york city, it's what a cop says over his radio when a hooker is passed out on your porch. yeah. and the two-step, the two-step is when you have to jump over a pile of street feces. texas is known for its beautiful cattle. that's kind of true in new york city. [sighing] yeah, talk about huff and mouth disease. here in texas, there's a vast gulf between texas and new mexico. in california, there's a vast gulf between the governor's ears. here in texas, you have the best barbecue in the world. in california, they put

pineapples on pizza. that's like putting a mustache on miranda lambert which she could pull it off. in california, they have decaff, skinny soy no-foam latte. in texas, you have coffee. and testosterone. in california, you have san francisco. in texas, you don't. in texas, there are males and females. in california and nyc, there's just one new ender and it's called loser. they use more -- new gender and it's called loser. they use more hair dye than shampoo. in california, you smash and grab. in texas, you smash and grab, you drop and die. in california, the homeless could poop on your front lawn.

try that in dallas and it's the last poop you'll ever take. in texas, you produce heroes like sam houston and davey crockett. yeah. but, you know, california produced this guy. yeah. i was handsome. true, california has warner brothers, universal studios and paramount pictures, but texas has the "greg gutfeld show." so the difference is stark. it's a reminder of who makes the country work and how those people make it possible for the other idiots to thrive. you're the people who create the civil lawful society a place where the idiots who make fun of you can live. right now, you see how the press treats the truckers. that's how they think of you. the truckers are a proxy for the typical non-journalist, non-media person. it's you. your families. your space. this week, we salute you, texas,

and the hard-working, fun-loving, ass-kicking texans that you are. let's do this, america! welcome to texas. you don't mess with texas and liberals don't mess with her. host of outnumbered and former white house press secretary, kayleigh mcenany. he shops only at the finest morgues, home to fox across america, jimmy. she's on a 10-gallon hat for holding her vodka, fox news contributor kat timpf and finally, he's so big he blocks the stars at night, my massive sidekick and nwa world champion

-- i realized, jimmy, i could still smell the dead hobo you stole those boots from. you're a new york city cab driver so you were exposed literally to all sorts of people. are the people better in texas or am i just going for cheap applause? >> no, you're absolutely not. two quick things. i can't even insult your outfit. i think you did a great job of shopping at your favorite store, forever 5'1". >> fair enough. >> texas in america -- a lot of us grew up here, they have freedom and bucky. everybody knows bucky. >> there you go. >> bucky, for real, bucky's is the only store in the world where you can get a club sandwich, air freshener for your car and a grenade launcher for miles. here's why when you hear things about beto for instance and they say, he's beating beto by 7

points in the poll. it's closer when you count the points on beto's license, it narrows it down. there's a guy that talks on the radio here in texas, i will tell you that texas is never turning blue after what biden did on the border. that's just how it works. ok? seriously, selling texans a democrat after biden is like selling carnival cruises after titanic. >> kayleigh, always great to see you. what are your thoughts about being here in texas? >> as you know, greg, i'm a floridian. i feel like you guys are my brethren here in texas. i mean, really. seriously, i can't figure it out. we play the license plate game in florida. i'm like, there we go.

there's michigan, new york and new jersey and it's really fun. i'm sure you do that here, and i can't figure it out, friends. are californians fleeing to texas faster than the abused staffers are fleeing kamala's office? i just don't know, but i think the answer is yes. >> yes, in florida and texas, you count license plates. in new york city, you make them. see what i did there, kat? really clever off-the-cuff stuff. you can learn a lot from me. i'll tell you right now. you know the ceo, president of fox is in this audience? we won't say where. what would you tell them to convince them to pick up fox and leave and come here? >> well, first of all, i want to thank you about making that comment about me being a booze bag in front of the president and ceo. usually, i have to spend all this time worrying about whether she heard those things or not, but now that i just know you saved me so much time.

so i appreciate that. there's a lot of things. the freedom, but also the big thing is that here, people do not hate us which is knight nice. -- nice -- which is nice. thank you. thank you. thank you. people smile at you. not in a strange way. normal people that are happy to see us. >> tyrus, the interesting thing about texas, this is the only place where you actually look smaller. [laughter] >> look, gutfeld, just because texas is the only place where a size 17 boot could be bought off the shelf, there's no reason for you to have an attitude, ok?

and correction, the state bird out here is grown-ass man. this is still man country. you can open doors and get in a fight in a bar and still be friends by the time you go to church on sunday. it's all good. >> greg: what are you planning to do this week besides the show, tyrus? >> i'm excited to spend my birthday in texas today. thank you so much. not going to bring up you forgot -- thank you, kat, for your warm message. i rally appreciate it. gutfeld worked with me for almost a decade but i guess it was over your head. >> greg: a lot of things are. i don't even remember my birthday. let's be honest, right? >> right. because you don't have a birthday. you have a birth week. you send out invitations a month ahead of time. >> greg: yes. >> but, no, texas is a great place. the one thing i would like to say to california because i grew up there -- i have enough sense

to get out. you're welcome but leave that progressive crap over there. [cheers and applause] >> greg: we have to go. up next, can the democrats stay alive by running on hatred of 45? if you have type 2 diabetes or high blood pressure you're a target for chronic kidney disease. you can already have it and not know it. if you have chronic kidney disease your kidney health could depend on what you do today. ♪far-xi-ga♪ farxiga is a pill that works in the kidneys to help slow the progression of chronic kidney disease. farxiga can cause serious side effects including dehydration, urinary tract or genital yeast infections in women and men,

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>> greg: orange godzilla in the room, can a villain to replace trump push old joe over the hump? according to a report from axios, the news site, not the

flight attendant i anytime tijuana -- does that work in texas? president biden's advisers are looking for a substitute for president trump when they really should be looking for a substitute for president biden. they're desperate for a republican foil they can elevate and compare joe to in the hopes voters side with the president. apparently, ever since the democratic loss of virginia governorship by making parents feel less welcome at schools than members of isis, there's a feeling they can't hold congress in the midterms by focusing on out-of-office trump or an in-office biden, so they want to bring other republicans back into the fray. of course some obvious names include the president of florida and the president of turtles, mitch mcconnell. i keep expecting him to get bonked on the shell by the super mario brothers. what do you think about that, joe?

>> no. good night. i'm sticking to it. that's the plan. i'm not changing horses mid-stream. i ran against trump. there's an old saying in my business. you dance with the one above you. i'm going to dance with him. old-school dance. muhammad ali. charley fox trot january 6th. charlottesville, racism, sexism, over and out. >> greg: kayleigh, i don't think they need trump because the tradition for democrats is to portray every republican as evil. remember how when trump was president and suddenly they loved mitt romney and g.w. bush? doesn't anyone remember they hated them, too? it doesn't matter. >> they did this is next level obsession. these guys have a maniacal

obsession with president trump. you have a foil, russia, who is running across eastern europe. you have a foil, the taliban. he took over afghanistan. he took over two countries a year. they have a -- countries in a year. they have a foil. they have desantis. >> greg: the movie sucks if there's no good villain? i like that analogy. >> did adam schiff write it? dear, sweet president biden, you need somebody dumber than your behaviors with policy from the republican side to make you look good. and i need a unicorn for my daughter to fly in when i get home tonight.

i have a better shot of a unicorn coming in. they don't get it they're not going to get it. doesn't matter. you got rid of -- you call them the orange godzilla. i think he'd probably like that you got rid of him. you took him off twitter and social media so you wouldn't have any 3:00 a.m. tweets. telling you what is wrong with yourself. the problems are over. now that he's gone, you're like naked chicken wings. you have no flavor, no spices and everybody cannot wait to cover you with something new. >> greg: that is an amazing -- [applause] there's nothing more pathetic than naked chicken wings. and you're right! joe biden is the naked chicken wing of presidents. he was supposed to be calm, kat. we were told when we got rid of evil tweeter, we'd have a kind and gentle grandpa walton. instead we got freddie krueger on depends. [laughter] >> yeah, and -- but they still don't really have a strategy because this whole article was

about how they know that you can stop talking about president trump. the woman said we know we can't talk about trump anymore so we're going to shift and talk about maga. i'm pretty sure that's his thing. girls do that. i'm stopping talking about my ex. i'm over it. instead of saying that to themselves, they post that on the internet. like who is that for? it's obviously directed at him. so they know they're obsessed but that doesn't mean they've been able to stop it or know how to fix it or stop obsessing over if. >> greg: it's true -- over it. >> greg: it's true. they're really like brokeback mountain with trump them can't quit him. they can't quit him. i don't know which one is which, though. i don't know which one is that guy or the other guy. all i know it they're looking for a trump substitute and, jimmy, you're our comedy substitute. >> hey, girl. >> greg: who should be their trump alternative? you notice they went after joe

rogan for a while because they could insert him in any story. joe rogan was their next. >> by the way, i can't come back at all with an attack because i don't want to get uninvited to your birthday party at chuck e. cheese. president biden wanted this gig his whole life. he wanted it his whole life. now he got the gig and he's got to do the gig. it's to everybody watching, he can't -- it's clear to everybody watching he can't do the gig. joe biden is the only person we know who quits talking in the middle of a sentence because he's done. >> greg: yes! [laughter] >> ok? yeah. [cheers and applause] >> greg: that's good. that's good. >> we're not mean for saying that we're just pointing out the obvious. this dude is sending in the pokemon second down. you're not supposed to do that. in any other generation, you take away his car keys we gave him the nuclear code. here is the thing really, really quick.

the of the whole scam -- the roose whole scam, we have a dawdling old man. i would take barren trump at this point! i would take tiffany trump. >> >> greg: at least we don't have international threats going on. up next, past time for past promoters. listen to science and devoters.

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the clues are all around us! some things are too obvious to be a coincidence. >> please, god make this end! >> greg: school board members won't tolerate debates while kids in masks suffocate and so her mask speech at the meeting had the school board

retreating. a mother in virginia -- aren't they all -- recently called out the school board for not supporting a state law curtailing masks in schools like they were a criminal or district attorney. she specifically took the board chair to task over her mask or lack thereof while making children wear face diapers. behold her mic drop. >> miss, you also yelled at me the last time that i was here for taking off my mask. here's a picture of you right here on facebook with a crowd of people with no mask on. this is my time and i don't want to be interrupted. here is another picture of you with no mask on. >> i'm sorry. you're done. if you're going to sit there and disparage a member of our school board, then you could sit down. >> that's my family. >> that is -- >> then fine! >> what about our family? >> i am not. i'm done! >> wow! >> greg: there she goes.

you know, that reminds me of marriage. any way, the school board member walked out, as you can tell, after being called out. now, the united states is one of a handful of countries in the western world still recommending children wear masks in school settings even though they're as ineffective as brian seltzer's belt. even the netherlands which sounds for a euphemism for butt got rid of the mandates. if only they can do the same with the stupid wooden shoes. meanwhile, queen elizabeth -- whoever that is -- has covid but will continue light duties according to the palace whereas joe biden will continue light duties in his pants. tyrus, could you please -- could you please go to a school board meeting? just one. >> i don't need to go to no damn school board meeting. she handled it.

it's sad you can't tell the difference between a school board meeting and maury pollvich anymore but she has the dna. how dare you show pictures and factual events of me being hypocritical in front of my people. i'm going to walk out because that's going to make it go away. the only thing she did wrong is as she walked by her, she should have said "you're not wearing your mask!" that's what i would have said. >> greg: kat. masking up is now an integral part of an identity of a liberal. if you're a liberal, you would say i'm a climate change activist, vegan and antirace critical. you have all of these boxes you tick. they're adding a new one. it'll be there permanently which is pro-masking, right? isn't it weird? >> if they want to, they should. i don't want to. i'm done with it. and this woman, the school board woman was also very stupid,

because she actually attacked this woman for saying, "and you're showing pictures of my family in this meeting?" she got the pictures off of facebook! she didn't share them. you did! >> greg: yes! yes! >> she shared them in a room of four people. you shared them with the internet. >> greg: how dare you? jimmy, jimmy, i don't get why people who don't mask are clearly ok with the option. the pro-maskers want everybody to do it. >> here is the thing, if you think the mask works, shut the [bleep] up about mine! you know what i mean? i'm sorry, but if it works, if it works -- listen, like, like, i mean it! to take it there, you don't, um, put on a condom and hope the guy in the apartment down the hall wears one too or she's going to get pregnant.

i'm just saying. >> kayleigh, cover your ears. extra bible class for mcenany this weekend. masking is child abuse. it shouldn't happen. it drives me crazy. it's child abuse. >> it drives me acrazy. i've got -- me crazy. i've got one kid. the state never would let us have two. they saw the report card and says adopt a dog. these people are being cavalier screwing things up. >> greg: last word to you, k at. >> doesn't make sense. a man on allegiant airlines was wearing a let's go brandon look. you can't question the guy with covid-19. the guy worked with anthony fauci. he never met a guy he didn't

like. covid-19 ends. the masks end. >> greg: the big story -- who knew there was an allegiant airline? i saw that and i'm like what is that? the plane takes the highway. they don't even fly. you're on a bad airline when the pilot asks you for money for gas and tolls. we have to move on. coming up, crime doesn't pay when angry moms stand in the way. meet apartment 2a, 2b and 2c. 2a's monitoring his money with a simple text. like what you see abe? yes! 2b's covered with zero overdraft fees when he overdraws his account by fifty bucks or less. and 2c, well, she's not going to let a lost card get her stressed. am i right? that's right. that's because these neighbors all have chase. alerts that help check. tools that help protect.

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attack!" a chicago man -- my least favorite kind -- charged with armed robbery was dragging to the police station by his mother after she recognized him in surveillance photos released by the cops. the man allegedly pulled a gun and stole $100 from a train conductor -- train robbery -- but his lawyers argue he was just looking for something to eat. yeah, those mushrooms are medicinal? i don't think it makes it legal. meanwhile in new york, another random attack. this time it happens so often that random has become routine this time a 4-year-old boy in times square punched in the head by a nut case with a history of violence against strangers and, no, it wasn't brian kilmeade. and once again, it's moms to the rescue. the boy's mother tackles the psychopath. two other women joined in.

they pinned him down until the cops arrived. meanwhile, those guys in times square dressed as super heroes are completely useless. tyrus? your mom do that? >> my mom did it? what was so cool about this is when i was growing up, you made a mistake, you didn't just get a whopping from your mom but a whopping from your friend's mom and an ass whopping all the way down the street. what the woke and the progressives didn't count o they took down men, they took down gender and all of that stuff and woke this beast that don't take [bleep] from no one and it's called momma. >> greg: good look. jimmy, i know it was hard in foster care watching those kids get adopted except for you. >> sicilian moms, no!

the headline called him an unhinged man that kicked a cop as if there were hinged men kicking 4-year-olds. look where we live in new york. shootings are up 900%. to be fair, half are jets fans who shot themselves. the point is -- to tyrus' point, they have woke the wrong people. >> >> greg: we need more angry moms, kayleigh! i want to you get violent and throw things. >> maybe i will. i have a 2-year-old. she ate goose tenderloin when mom was out of town my husband killed over the weekend. you phone the police? momma is showing up to protect her baby. >> greg: kat, last word to you. >> i think the excuses they make for not taking violent crime seriously are ridiculous this armed robbery, it was -- well,

think about what it's like to be a broke college student. my solution was less armed robbery and more like cup-o-noodles. >> if you're desperate for food, rob a store not a train. it's more efficient. >> greg: i thought we were going back to the 1970's. now we have train robberies. it's the 1870's. we're now back in the 1870's. we have to go. coming up, comedian jamie lissow will perform. don't go anywhere. customizes e so you only pay for what you need, and we gotta do it fast. [limu emu squawks] woo! thirty-four miles per hour! new personal record, limu! [limu emu squawks] he'll be back.

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>> greg: welcome back. this is usually the part of the show where we discuss studies that make no sense. frankly, we're mailing it in. but instead, we're going to showcase alaska's most famous comedian. alaska's only comedian. give a big round of applause for our friend jamie lissow! [cheers and applause] >> oh, man! that's so true what greg just said. i was at the bar and they guy goes, "what's the comedy scene

like in alaska?" and i go, "you're talking to it." that's the whole thing! inside my shirt -- dude, i travel all over doing comedy. it's fun to watch how different states respond to pandemic. i wanted to give props. i like how in texas you guys went, hey, you know this whole covid thing? we're going to [bleep] skip it. [applause] you guys did it. i was so excited to be -- i was like nervous and excited to be here. i was here super early because i'm always worried about where to park. that's me right there. that's my truck. um, try to tow it you'll kill people. it's staying right there. covid really made comedy tough, though, man. it's weird. even the shows we did have were bizarre. i tell this one performer, the entire time he was on stage, he wore a mask. yeah, it ruined me.

he was a ventriloquist, or was he? just feels free here, though. it feels free. i was in an uber and i go to this guy, "it's just the vibe is different. you guys aren't social distancing and you're not wearing masks anymore." the guy goes, "no, dude, we're not afraid." i believed him. i was sitting on his lap. this guy doesn't care, man. this guy is into it. i am going to be totally honest. i get intimidated sometimes being in texas, because there's a lot of real men here, you know? and, um, and i don't know if you can tell by looking at me but i'm not exactly what you would call a -- like a man's man. you know, i'm not even what you would call a woman's man. i went to the doctor once and i thought something was wrong with me. i say, can you do testing?

i don't have a guy tendency, i don't hunt or fight or anything. he said we can do a testosterone thing. we'll figure it out for you. he goes, i'm glad you came in today, ma'am, because it turns out you're what is known as a huge [bleep]. and i go come on, dude, there's no way that's an actual diagnosis. and the guy goes, ok, you got me! it's not an actual diagnosis but i know i could call you that and you wouldn't do anything. [laughter] based on the testing. oh, man. but it's good. it's like we -- i have -- so i'm a married guy. i have, um, three children and sometimes people will say, jamie, do you have a favorite kid? which if there's parents out

there, you guys know you're not supposed to -- you know, i have one. i'll just tell you, it's my neighbor's kid. this guy is adorable. i have a picture of him on my phone here. i'm divorced. but i don't feel like it has to be a negative thing, you know? if you're out there and you're in love, i hope you stay together forever and stay in love, but i do feel like i have to tell you for anybody that's on the fence, um, you get -- it feels pretty good over here on this side. yeah, i can't explain it. here is a way to know if you should get divorced. if people start telling you negative things about divorce and none of it sounds that bad. but these are negatives. these are the negative things. my friend goes, dude u can't get divorced -- you can't get divorced man, you have to move out of your house and live alone in a crappy apartment.

i said, dude, when's the soonest we can do something like that? i don't think that lady likes me that i live with. he goes, yeah, but, dude, you're only able to see your kids over the weekend. i said, that sounds amazing, too, to be honest with you. oh my god, i love these kids but i don't want to take them to school. it's a pain in the ass. he want the fun dad weekends. you have any more bad news? people do not know how to react when you tell them you're getting divorced. i'm happy. my ex-wife is very happy. she's a cool chick. my friends didn't know what to say. i was married for 16 years. a year before that, we met. that's a long time. my friend goes, dude, i'm excited for you, because now you'll be able to get to out there into the world and get some. [indiscernible] that's exciting. i'll tell you guys the god's honest truth, i wasn't even getting any -- familiar. dude, that's the kind you're

legally supposed to get. you know what i mean? but what a wonderful crowd. listen, i'd love for to you check out my show on netflix called "real rob." i'm proud of it. we tour together and stuff. i don't want people to think all i do is ride off the success of rob schneider. it's a lot of what i do. but i also have stuff i do completely on my own. if you like my comedy, check out my website, it's robschneider'sfriend.com. check it out. thank you, guys. >> greg: awesome. jamie lissow, everyone. he's a funny guy. don't go away. we'll be right back.

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>> we are out of time. thank you! i love you, america... and texas! ♪♪ >> shannon: welcome to fox news @ night. i'm shannon bream in washington. troops go to breakaway regions in eastern ukraine. united states is evacuating its embassy staff to western ukraine relocating to poland. tensions are escalate in that region. we have a breaking report seconds away