new parent parttal that we announced at the top of the show that you can send in tips on what your kids are being subjected to in school is already blowing up and filling up. we'll bring you some of those stories tomorrow. we want to share one sentiment from a mother named jackie, thank goodness for a place to finally say something. there's so many of us out there who may not be vocal due to fear of retribution. "gutfeld" next. >> this is a fox news alert. ukraine's president vladimir zelenskyy reacting to the latest rounds of sanctions against russia. in late evening address, zelenskyy says the new punishments against moscow don't go far enough. >> this package sounds good but it's not enough it could hardly be called comparable to the evil the world saw in bucya.

>> his empassioned plea follows news out of mare i don't know pal. the mayor putting the number of civilians killed there at more than 5,000. he's accusing russian forces of using a mobile crematorium to cover up their alleged war crimes calling mare i don't know pal the new auschwitz despite the horrors in constant shelling, some people still refuse to leave. >> my husband says we won't leave mariopal. we'llcy stay here until the end. whatever happens, happens -- we'll stay here until the end. whatever happens, happens. >> in general, everybody ran away to a basement. we've been in the basement for 20 days or more. >> ukrainian investigators continue to collect evidence of russian atrocities in the ruined outskirts of kiev looking to document what appears to be widespread killings of civilians. after russian troops left, at

least 410 bodies have been found in towns around the capitol. the war has now forced more than 10 million ukrainians from their homes as the war enters day 43. i'm griff jenkins live in lviv. stay tuned to fox news for the very latest. "gutfeld" starts right now. >> greg: happy wednesday, everyone. it is wednesday, am i right? the democrats are in bad shape. how bad a shape? well, if they were a person, they'd be this. the latest fox news poll shows the president drowning on every key issue. he's so under water, the secret service to untangle him from a fisherman's net. look who they brought in to cheer everybody up. yeah. it was either that or take joe to chuck e. cheese but they were afraid he would choke on another pepper, but he looked kind of sad.

[sad music playing in the background] just $19 a day and you can save a pet. that was really depressing. someone put on old yeller to cheer me up. looks like a 4-year-old boy who lost his mommy at the mall. he looks like jesse patters at his last -- watters at his last school reunion. >> mr. president, welcome back to the white house, man. feels like the good old days. >> memories. like the time your vice president jill who is my sister-in-law passed the new deal and the louisiana purchase all in one day. so while you're dealing with $5-a-gallon gas, biden is waltzing down memory lane. it's the shortest lane, by the way. meanwhile, voter enthusiasm is at its highest level since 2010

when kat just turned 30. nba poll found a 17-point republican advantage. the last time anyone saw a gap this large, evel knievel tried to jump it. i wonder what joe thinks. >> oh yeah. sometimes i just like to ride the amtrak and pretend it's the old days. >> i'm not kidding, man. i'm serious. i'm not kidding. it's a true story. hey, hey, buddy. serious about that. it's a true story. no joke. i'm not kidding. >> greg: so amazing. so is a blood bath coming for the dems? maybe, let me be a soggy blanket, something i was known for at camp. not going to be a blow-out if the voters don't finally see the

true big lie that democrats care. it's a lie we've been taught since i was a kid like the tooth fairy. everyone is beautiful. it's what made me a liberal back when i was just a model for teen monthly. but when it came to compassion, republicans sucked and democrats ruled. the dems cared more about the poor, the sick, the downtrodden while republicans played golf at their all white country clubs before digging into endangered spotted owl legs and then headed to an orphanage and beat the crap out of a red-headed child in a wheelchair. sounds like mitt romney's biography. that's not true. it never was. didn't matter, because you challenged the lie when they did, they were so bad at it. republicans say, hey, we don't eat panda steaks. they're too gamemy. or the kid in the wheelchair was bald. the next election could be a

game-changer if voters see the truth about democrats, that in power, democrats caused a glaring covid inequality between the masks and the masked-not. marginalization of parents calling them terrorists and pandemic with drug addiction, crimes that killed the cities into hell holes. with that list, democrats should lose. all of the problems are part of a liberal wheelhouse greece greased by you, the taxpayer. it's what they claim to care about, the children, the sick, victims' rights, education, but in reality, it's just about power, because in every single area i just mentioned, life has gotten worse. under democrats! yet, they've been given more second chances than criminals who randomly attack people. it's the one true red pill for all voters. every place where the left claims the higher ground has left americans dead or broke. coincidentally, those are democrats most reliable voting blocks. look at the new mayor of new york city. so much promise.

so much [bleep]. taking over a city plagued by so many problems that liberals are supposed to solve, mental illness, homelessness, poor education. what's the mayor do? he trashes florida and pleads for gays to move back. mayor, what good is a pride parade if you're walking on syringes? maybe clean the subways before you start inviting people over. you're putting a welcome mat in front of a house on fire. with kids, he's no better. he just decided to extend the school mask mandate for children under five which is anti-science and anti-kid. and he did this after he exempted athletes and performers from the covid-19 vaccine mandate. so it's one set of rules for kids and another for the stars. i guess he knows parents of school children are easier to push around than lebron james or jay-z. and besides, who wants a selfie with a three-year-old in a mask? he's not even famous. so no wonder a new poll finds 59% of new yorkers believe their family would have a better future if they "left new york city permanently."

that's one solution. leave. go to texas, tennessee, even florida. yeah, mayor, have you been to fort lauderdale lately? it makes san francisco look like green bay. new york city better add a tax for people trying to move. but soon, we're just going to run out of places to move to. that's why this election matters. all elections matter including school boards, no longer just cities that are in trouble, it's the country, so maybe it's time instead of moving out, we move them out and show them how compassion gets done the right way. [applause] let's welcome tonight's guests! she's proved the pen is mightier than the storm by using it to stab an editor, editor chief of the federalist and fox's contributor molly hemingway. you've seen him at america's top comedy clubs, validating your parking, writer and comedian joe devito. she's like a street light, skinny, bright and attracts a lot of bugs, fox's contributor

kat timms and his baby carriage was an 18-wheeler, the nwa world television champion tyrus. molly, welcome back to the show. good to see ya. always a pleasure to read your work. why does everyone still assume it's the democrats who get compassion? why do we still believe that? is that going to change ever? >> yeah, it's kind of never been true but they've done a very good job. they control the corporate media and the corporate media does a very good job of helping them with all of their messaging, but i just don't see how you can live through the current moment and think that they are compassionate toward anyone much less the working class. you're looking at all of these problems throughout cities in america all controlled by democrats and things are extremely bad, so it is definitely time for that reputation to change. >> greg: yeah, if it were republicans and you had this homeless problem, drug addiction

problem, crime problem, the media would actually try to solve it, right? >> i think they might be so evil they wouldn't try to solve it, but -- >> me, too. joe, would you feel sad watching the other joe? >> big time. with the music, too. i expect to see sarah mclachlan spinning him around to rescue this poor -- it was so sad to see how he was overshadowed by obama. it was like -- imagine if you went to a "star trek" convention and people are saying, you want a picture with captain kirk or -- well, here's clingon #5. get a picture with him. it's humiliating for him and for the united states. >> the contrast is quite sad. it's like when someone says here is greg gutfeld, look at him and oh, there's tom brady and tom brady looks so pathetic. >> yeah. yeah. yeah. >> that's brutal. >> greg: you would think --

does did that flash through your head, kat? did you put me up against tom brady? >> i have to say that's not what flashed in my head. it's like, ok, like, if you used to be really close to somebody and then, like, something happens and you're not anymore, and then you acted like see them out somewhere and they treat with you this polite indifference, it's so painful. you have to play it cool and just like listen to dreams by fleetwood mac on the way home. but i checked instagram, and joe follows barack but barack does not follow joe. it keeps getting worse. >> greg: it really is bad. did you see it when joe tapped obama on the shoulder and joe -- and obama didn't even bother to turn around? >> yeah. >> greg: i know. >> biden's hand is so frail, he probably didn't even feel it. am i standing underneath the air-conditioner. >> greg: it was like the finger tap of death. >> brutal. >> greg: tyrus, did they

believe bringing obama back would be the kind of thing that brought the democrats some energy and then it back fired or did they want to do this on purpose? >> that's a really good question. that was painful to watch. the only thing he didn't do was close his eyes when he reached out. he was reaching for people. if you look, he was going like this, he looked -- like, where is his wife? or like one friend or one security guy? i -- i have b those situations as a bodyguard where a guy is grossly overpaid for my services and is not that popular and he's in the room with ce standing there and i will go he's got three seconds before i walk him out. you got a call, sir. someone is on line 2. people look around. i did something -- and he's like, wow, who is that guy? who is that guy? and saved the moment. and then, of course, i asked for a raise afterwards. no one was coming to save him.

it looked -- even kamala had people. it was obama, her, they had the little group and then he was like -- this is where you could have took a page from the previous administration, because if that [bleep] would have happened on president trump's watch, he would have stepped to the middle of them, excuse me, what is all this going on here about? >> greg: in fact, he did do that. >> he did that. don't stand in front of me. he would have had a moment. i'm president, barack. he didn't do that. he looked -- he looked denial and frail. that's the thing i -- we make jest, but that -- looking at that is a senile, frail, lost man and that's the leader of our country right now. >> wasn't it revealing, too, a lot of people on the right complain about joe biden. that was the first time that you see democrats and what they think. they don't think joe biden is president. they think barack obama is running things. >> the press just needed him to get in. now he just used up his usefulness. >> if i was there, i would have

let him smell my hair. i feel so bad watching that. >> i would have asked for a hug. >> i would have chatted him up. i would have chatted him up. he would have had a weird kind odor but that's ok. >> oh, trump is on line 2 and says he'll fight you right now in the backyard. let's do it. give him a moment, something. >> greg: funny thing is, though, you probably would do that and then he would blow you off. >> but mission accomplished and i would ask for a raise. >> greg: there you go. up next, libs say must won't protect free speech but their reasoning is a bit of a reach. with multimatic shocks, rugged 33-inch tires, and front and rear electronic locking differentials. dude, this is awesome... but we should get back to work. ♪ ♪ this good? perfect. if you're gonna work remote... work remote. find new workspaces. find new roads.

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>> greg: liberals are getting bent now that elon owns 9%. ha-ha. clever! on monday, elon musk -- if that's his real name -- bought $3 billion worth of twitter stock making him their largest

shareholder and my new best friend. we're going camping next week. i can't wait! the next day, he was appointed as the company's newest boardmember which had liberal blue checks in a tizzy bordering on a conniption. one guy said that's bad for free speech. bloomberg's tim o'brien writes of musk, "maybe he wants to bring twitter to heal. that's worrisome because it's not ideal to have a free speech absolutist who is absolutely in favor of free speech at the helm of a media company." yeah, good point. you never want a media company owned by a rich guy according to bloomberg. meanwhile, actor james wood tweeted suggestions to us to improve twitter. remove all politically promoted algorithms from the site and have people use their real identities to end abuse. i go by crissy teagan.

i go by buff pundit 55. there were 54 in front of me. ha-ha. not anymore. still, it's the best advice i've heard since bill hemmer told me about stuffing rocks into pockets so the bodies sink faster. you know, he's not just a newsman. he's a handyman, joe. you could be my handyman. >> got it. >> greg: all right. wasn't that a song? >> i certainly hope not. handyman. >> greg: any way. he's not a threat to free speech. he's a threat to those who claim he is. isn't that kind of what it is? >> they don't want to hear speech they don't like in that regard, he's a threat, and, yeah, i think it'll be good if he has his influence there. he's the definition of fu money. he can come in and be like, oh yeah, twitter is annoying me, i'm going to come in and buy a piece of it. i wish i could do that. my fu money is a $100 gift card at target. i come in and i act like i own the place. >> greg: if i had that kind of

money, i would buy parts of companies that miss me off all the time -- piss me off all the time. >> i would build smither right next to twitter and do everything they do, just ruin them. i think this is great. if he needs a volunteer to be a boardmember, i'm in there. they just -- the woke don't like even playing fields. they don't want everyone being on the same playing field. i thought i was middle in the road but this guy is dead center. this is really shaking their tail feathers. imagine if he won't let them cancel anyone they don't like. they're fragile and afraid and he's breaking up the yearbook club and who is cool, etc. i can see how he's really, really a guy who could singly solve problems and make money and he's joined your company and if you don't do as well as you should, that's a bad thing. >> yeah, ok. >> greg: kat, i want to ask

you about james woods' advice, even though you're too old for him, but he does -- he had some good points. do you have any? >> i would love to see there be no political algorithms. i think that's very bad, so i agree with that. i don't agree with using your real identity thing because then i would have fewer followers. >> greg: mollie, if you could go and change twitter, what would you like to do? >> i thought about this a lot and i would -- if i could buy it outright and burn it to the ground -- and that's the plan. buy it outright and burn it to the ground -- just like what it sounds like -- i think it's horrible for the country and what they've done on their attacks on freedom of the press and freedom of speech. we have good laws in this country protecting freedom of speech and freedom of the press but they do nothing if you don't have culture that supports it. twitter is where people go to debate. they have horrific discussions.

it's bad for the country. carpet bomb them. >> greg: carpet bomb them. joe, do you have any tips? >> i would bring back the 142 character count limit. that was great. not only would i bring that back, i would make it so you only get to tweet twice a day. you can talk about anything you want but you're limited to what you can say and if you go over that, your phone starts to heat up in your hand if you want to tweet more, you literally have to do a hot take to see how much pain you can withstand to see if what you're saying is worth it. i'm in favor of saying whatever we want but we have to edit ourselves, people are blabbering. >> greg: that's a great point! establish a limit on quantity! that's my problem is not that my tweets aren't great, it's that i just do more of them when i'm drunk. so my thing has always been quantity. if you're coming -- if you're going outside with your gun and you're shooting in the air, chances are one of those bullets is going to come back and hit you in the head. >> or someone else's head, yeah. don't do that, boys and girls at home. >> greg: thank you! thank you!

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>> this is a fox news alert. i'm griff jenkins live in lviv. vladimir zelenskyy reacting to the latest round of sanctions against russia. in his late-evening address, zelenskyy says the new financial punishments against moscow don't go far enough in somber news out of mariupol with the sieged fort city's mayor now putting the number of civilians killed there at more than 5,000. he's accusing russian forces of using a mobile crematorium to cover up their alleged war crimes calling mariupol the new auschwitz and ukrainian investigators continue to collect evidence on russian atrocities on the ruined outskirts of kyiv looking

document what appears to be widespread killings of civilians. after russian troops left, 410 bodies were found in towns around the capitol. i'm griff jenkins live in lviv. now back to "gutfeld." >> greg: because he was released, six people are deceased. they put a dangerous man on parole that blames six deaths on gun control. 27-year-old smiley martin is facing charges after sunday's shooting in sacramento that left six people dead. i night see what frowny martin's been up to. terrible, but it's true. but as usual, we find that smiley shouldn't have been on the streets in the first place. he should have still been serving time for a prior conviction but was released early even though a d.a. pleaded with the parole board to not let him go citing criminal resume that would make jeffrey dahmer lose his appetite and it's going

get worse. as independent candidate for california governor michael schellenberger points out, that governor -- that under governor gavin newsom, california department corrections had already reduced its prison population by nearly 30,000 inmates but are now going to release an extra 76,000 so it's going to get so bad that even criminals are going to be leaving the state. meanwhile, let's not forget hannah tubbs, that molester coped a plea after attacking a 10-year-old girl in 2014 that began identifying as a woman after being arrested for it. now, new court documents revealed the creep was accused of molesting a toddler in a library one year earlier in 2013. but, hey, it's all an acceptable risk in the name of prison reform which makes you wonder why do liberal states bother arresting criminals? they finish fewer sentences than biden does after 4:00 p.m. meanwhile, gavin newsom claims

more gun control would have prevented the massacre. yeah. the guns, or the suv. they always blame the tools instead of the perp, unless that tool is gavin newsom, then they don't blame him for anything! >> yes! >> greg: so, tyrus, why can't they admit the criminal justice reforms aren't working? they're going to release 70,000 more and they're just going to pretend nothing is going to happen? >> the woke never admit they're wrong. they just keep going. just -- do you know -- his prior -- his prior -- well, his most popular crime, i should say, was a savage domestic violence where he beat his girlfriend, choked her, dragged her across the room by her hair, beat her some more to the point where she was unrecognizable and he still was out. prison reform when i first heard it was about nonviolent offenders, particularly marijuana cases and narcotics

where we were looking to send people to rehab and not to prison. that's where i understood prison reform to be, and i was 1,000% behind it, not the lottery where you just pick a name and he's free. that's what it's become. so the $76,000, people will not be minor narc offenses, it'll be guys like this who he got out and the first thing he was doing is looking for payback, going after people who put him there in the first place. what do you think they do when a violent criminal gets out? the first thing they do is think about the person who got them in there. it's usually a woman or an older woman or someone who can't defend themselves. it's not prison reform. they're just opening the doors and virtue signaling. i helped release 30,000 prisoners and you got 27,000 people mugged, beat and

murdered. well done, sir. well done. >> greg: imagine being a victim who testified in a case for someone that's been put away and they say he's been put away for 20 years. do they -- and then you find out that that is not what happened, that the person is out, strictly either by lottery or by chance or whatever, because they're making it up as they go along now. >> yeah, i think everyone should care about justice reform, prison reform. there are a lot of problems with our system, but people are neglecting to think about victims of crimes both past victims of crime and future victims of crime and what's happening in california is horrific! i mean, it is a state i love and you look at some of the big cities there and it's a total mess. and i just feel like these -- like gavin newsom says he thinks gun control will solve this, and it's interesting to me the one gun control policy that the left doesn't like is keeping violent criminals in prison with is a pretty good way to lower crime. >> i'm sure he was registering his gun before he got it. i'm sure he stood in line all

day at the gun shop to get the registration and two forms of i.d. >> greg: kat, if you're paying, why would you even bother paying taxes? >> that's what i'm saying. end of sentence. so i don't go to jail! >> greg: yes. exactly. if you protested in california and said i'm not paying taxes because of this, you would go to jail. >> right. yeah and i agree with tyrus, i'm all about the prison reform of the nonviolent crimes, not so much for child molesters and violent criminals like this guy who was horribly violent, let out early any way and not even monitored and you wouldn't have had to monitor him that hard, because he was on facebook live waving a gun around a few hours before the shooting, like you don't need colombo on that one. you just need to be watching. and i think it's just so nuts -- going back to your monologue -- how a lot of these people who are pushing for this stuff are the same one who would want to banish someone from society because they did a bad tweet. >> greg: yeah.

no. it's true. yeah. again, it's like how can you claim to be compassionate if the victims -- the victims of this guy were minorities, one was a homeless woman, these are the people that the left claim to protect or care more about than evil republicans, are you surprised about any of this? >> no you get more of what you reward and less of what you punish. there's no consequences for being a violent criminal. if you look at violent crime, it's not evenly spread out across the population. most violent crime is committed by a very small group of people who keep repeating these games. you see it in the rap sheet. by the way, we talked about this, the greatest move, easiest move, when you have no criteria, you say what's the easiest way out of punishment, oh, i now identify as female so put me in a lady jail. i'll identify as martha stewart. i'm looking at a children's

jail. >> i would probably rephrase that one, too. >> greg: these days, you wouldn't have to shave your beard. if you identify as a woman -- >> there's no criteria, just as with this guy who committed a mass murder. there was no reason why he should have been out! we have a society where nothing means anything anymore and it's turning into this as the kind of chaos you get. >> greg: he liked the movie "the road warrior" but i don't want to live in it. i feel like we're creating the set of "the road warrior." >> it's not. because in "the road warrior" everyone had a gun and a way to defend themselves. john q. taxpayer can't go to the store and get a gun in new york but a gangster could get one. >> greg: i hate using this word because i always he is in up. recidivism. you're supposed to target the recidivists. if we do that, we'd be happy we don't do that anymore.

it's absolutely insane. it is crazy and also no one -- everybody knows that this is going to happen again because you're releasing 70,000. that's twice as many as before and we know it's going to happen and we're not going to stop it. no one is going to stop it. i think someone is filing a lawsuit, but we're [bleep]. all right. on that upbeat note, coming up, they have no regrets making influencers out of pets. if you have type 2 diabetes or high blood pressure you're a target for chronic kidney disease.

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>> greg: wallowing on their pet's social media following. they'll train their dog to ride a bike if they think they'll get a like. it's true. 1 in 4 pet owners say they hope to turn their pets into internet celebrities. 3 out of 4 say they're. [indiscernible]

it's funny because it's true. 1/3 of respondents admitted they had a social media page just for their pets. you can tell because they have more hair. that's like a child wrote this. it was me. what was i -- i was a he is in morning! the survey was conducted by the pet insurer many pets who unfortunately wouldn't cover my ass in plants. they're from my donkey. you people are disgusting! kat, it is amazing how limb we see your -- it's amazing how little we see your cat on social media. is it because you're protective of your cat's privacy in the sense that your cat is reclusive

or -- >> she's got an instagram account. there he is. he's reading the btk book. oh, he put it down for a little bit because, you know, he needed a rest, but, you know, i don't care so much if he's famous as i do that he lives to be like 75. when he dies, then whose fur will i cry into then? i swear i'm never going to get over it. i'll be like the lady in the beginning of the titanic movie, 84 years. i'll tell awesome stories about my cat and not basically some story about how she banged a guy who said he was an artist on a boat. >> greg: that's the message i got. >> that was what it was about. >> greg: i still haven't seen titanic. i have no plans to see it. i know how it ends. why would i want to see it? any way. where am i? you know, mollie, i think this is healthy, because the pet

doesn't know it's famous so you can't have the self-destruction or stuff you see with teenagers like teenagers when they get famous on tiktok videos, then they screw up, self-mutilate and do other things but a pet won't do that because the consciousness isn't there. >> there's this thing when you're talking about politics and other issues, people get hostile and aggressive and you put up a picture of a dog or a cat, people of a variety of different political persuasions could like it. it always seems also like a cheap way to get attention. i do avoid putting pictures of my adorable dog, laurel, online. there she is, um, the best dog in the whole world. >> greg: what kind of dog is that? cocker spaniel? >> a cavalier. if anything ever happens to that dog, it'll be horrible. isn't she just adorable? >> greg: she's a cute dog. definitely got big ears.

were those ears -- >> just say it, gutfeld, you coward! >> greg: what? >> your dog is mildly attractive. ok? this is why this is a bad idea. because this is just like when i take my children to a playdate and there's that one [bleep] dad who is bragging about how smart his kid is and he's not. his nose is running and he's slower than everybody else. but he's so cute, look at his pictures. i don't want to look at your pictures, sir. your child is at the bottom of the gene pool and you know it. same thing. sometimes life is hard and these people project themselves onto their pet. not kat, because i know your cat and he's a political activist. he's always looking up election fraud. he was there on january 6th. in spirit. he couldn't quite get the door open, but outside of that, but that's the problem is they project themselves -- these pets

don't want pictures being taken of them. and the owners brag, look at how cool my dog is. when someone goes it's not. your dog is not cute to me. it's cute to you because you know him. i don't know your dog. is it a pure breed? where'd you get from? did you get it at a shelter? then there's fighting. it's your dog and it's your cat. i don't parade all of my animals on there like, oh, here is my animal today! it's just not that important to me. >> greg: there's a huge gap between what people see of something they love and what other people see. >> you're setting yourself up for failure. >> greg: the children is a good -- most kids are hideous. you know, joe, what if your animal realizes that they're famous or can they not -- like, could a -- if your animal -- if the animal was -- belonged to a homeless person, would they know the difference between -- wouldn't it be more fun to be with a homeless person?

wouldn't you think you were famous because there were all these people around? >> you are taking a hell of a walk. >> greg: the longest walk. >> i never realize i follow kat and your cat and i never realized that. my instagram, i follow animals who are cute and animals who kill each other in the wild. i don't want anything in between. i have a full range of emotions. i don't want to follow a chick in a bikini when she pushes the cup off the counter, it's just not that funny. >> greg: although, did you see madonna's last duck face on tiktok video. that was a true duck face. >> the worst is when a really hot girl posts but she's making a silly face. i'm silly, i'll do this. >> does anyone not go inside anymore? >> greg: up next, our family

trees are full of drunk chimpanzees.

centuries ago, native californians thrived on this land. now, we share a destiny with all californians. when voters granted our sovereign nations exclusive gaming rights, it advanced self-sufficiency and created thousands of good jobs. but now, out of state corporations are coming to california. their online sports betting initiative would break the promise between us. it's bad for tribes and all californians. join us. protect the promise. >> greg: as usual we're short on time, here is the story in five words, monkeys made us into drunks. kat, it's true. apparently chimpanzees like

fruit that become ripe enough for sugar to be fermented into alcohol and we've evolved from this. this is why we drink a lot. >> i'm not a scientist but i'm not buying it. >> greg: why? >> i don't think the chimps are drunk. that's low alcohol content and they're also eating food. have you ever eaten a bunch of hotdogs and got drunk off bud light? not going to happen. >> greg: have you ever eaten chocolate spilled with liquor? >> you can't get drunk that way. that's liquor. that's higher alcohol content. it's basically like whiteclaw and a bunch of food. you're going to get bloated and go to bed. >> serious here, gutfeld. >> greg: devito, this assumes evolution which is a lot to assume. it's just a theory! >> it's just a theory! >> it's just a theory like gravity. who is going to prove that? yeah, these monkeys, i say let them get drunk, because they have to reproduce which in their case involves having sex with a

monkey, so, you know, i think you want to -- >> that is true, too. >> greg: do you think that -- that -- that could have been the reason why they invented booze. how can you have sex with a monkey? >> they run up to the chimp right after. >> greg: that is true! do not lay down with a monkey. that's in leviticus, i think. >> i know it's against it. >> leviticus says a lot of things. >> greg: i don't think there's a lot of stuff the bible is for. >> on the ark it clearly said no diddling amongst themselves. >> greg: they call this the drunken monkey hypothesis. does this make sense to you? >> it's true, monkeys do that. unlike us, they eat enough to have a good time. they're not stupid. if you get too trashed in the jungle, something could eat you. it's good medicine and stuff. it kills bacteria and stuff. the monkeys are smart. they go out there and eat the fermented fruit because it protects them from other diseases and stuff. it's not uncommon.

they cultivate it and fight over it. it's like their tree, their keg. it's very, very -- very, very deep. smart. >> greg: you made me think the whole reason we created tools is because we like to drink, right? so we get drunk and go how do we defend ourselves when we're wasted? we started making tools, but chimps -- chimps instead, they just -- they decided, oh, i'll kick back. >> they'll just guard the tree. >> greg: they'll just guard the tree. we were like, hey, wah! let's make a spear! we could drink more if we have a spear! >> alcoholism brought us to the 21st century. >> greg: mollie, does this happen a lot on special report where you can see bret baier have an epiphany about monkeys, spears and drinking? >> this is an excellent theory but i just want to say these monkeys are not to be trusted, and i think we need to be much more on guard. occasionally you get stories out of the world and there's some kind of con to beium that is --

consortium that is plotting to take over. >> greg: they're waiting for the right time to rise up. i saw the movie. i saw the movie. remember, joe, what happened in the movie? >> yes, you're referring to "any which way but loose?" >> greg: yes! >> these are monkeys. these are not the kind of chimps who rip your face off. no, these are plain, old monkeys. these spider monkeys don't have a poseable thumb. let them drink them won't be able to light a bong. >> they do. they don't rip your face off. they rip your junk off. they're great pick pockets. robbers. all of their digits work. they give massages for money in the streets of india sometimes. yeah, they're clever. >> who pays for that? >> greg: i do. >> don't be so quick to judge, man. >> greg: that was one of the best vacations i ever had. monkey island. >> he's got an instagram page with the monkeys. >> greg: i had it all on a

disposable camera. >> i had a drunk orange before i got on the show today. >> greg: ha-ha! don't go away, we'll be right back. is that we keep moving forward. we discover exciting new technologies. redefine who we are and how we want to lead our lives. basically, choose what we want our future to look like. so what's yours going to be? ♪ it's the most wonderful time of the year ♪ it's spring! claritin provides non-drowsy symptom relief from over 200 indoor and outdoor allergens, day after day. feel the clarity— and make today the most wonderful time of the year. live claritin clear.

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>> greg: that was a great show. thanks to joe devito, moll ie hemmingway, tyrus and kat timms. i'm greg gutfeld. i love you, america and that clapping. >> shannon: hello, welcome to "fox news @ night." i'm shannon bream in washington. breaking tonight, the mayor of the bee sieged city of mariupol says more than 5,000 civilians have been killed calling his city "the new auschwitz." as president zelenskyy vows to fight a new russian offensive in the east adding russian sanctions, the new ones don't go far enough. in texas, governor greg abbott