lauraingraham.com, get all your gear and it's really cool, a son shirt and such a great color. i got a lot of comments on this particular shirt in wyoming last week. enjoy it and protect your skin from the ravages of the sun. that's it for us and remember it's america now and forever. "gutfeld!" is next. ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> greg: happy monday, everyone! i hope you had a great weekend and i don't know if i did, but i think i remember saying hunter, i don't want to go swimming. [laughter] that stuffs amazing carico disgusting as it is, i'm

jealous. last week we did a story on sinner macy gray's interview with morgan where he asked her if he could define a woman. >> a human being that scott moves >> yeah, the dictionary is quite broad. >> i will say this and everybody's going to hate me but as a woman. >> greg: someone paid attention in medical school. as you can be a supreme court justice. on our show, i asked this question. either one of these has to apologize for being insensitive to marginalized groups. you got the answer. just 48 hours, roughly the same amount of time i spend on my biceps every week, asked again what is a woman and she folded

faster than a futon shared by "the view." >> being a woman is a vibe. if you in your heart is that's what you are, that's what you are regardless of what anybody says or thinks. >> greg: suddenly -- doesn't exist anymore and that's not a world i want to live in. i just don't, i don't, i'm out. find a replacement. just not rob long. to be a woman is a vibe, of course they're going to have to rename a lot of movies. the incredible 50-foot shrinking vibe. what do you call the other women now? the other vibe? that's really not bad, yes, honey, i wasn't cheating, i was just banging a vibe. what is a vibe? what is a vibe really? it's a floaty thing that exists

in space and its visible and you know it's there because it changes the atmosphere. basically we are saying a woman is a fart. [buzzer] whoa, whoa, that was not a joke, that was a fark joke. let's not start moving the goalposts, far jokes are fine. what else could be a vibe? is being macy gray a vibe? can i be hurt if i feel cannot be her if i feel the vibe of macy gray? i don't feel like a macy gray, but at times i could be tom brady. at if they say otherwise, she's not just being inclusive done. but talk about a transition period of macy went from a strong feminist voice to a weak woke stir in mere hours. i guess that fits her old definition of woman.

no balls. applauding for ball jokes, i'll take it. why not? all due to a figment of a mob that scared her or the publicist into amending their statements. but who is macy apologizing to? it's not women because she defended them. it's the extreme one or two people on twitter and the mentally stunted lemmings on twitter. if the website called any defensive biological women suspicious thinking. meanwhile, and in send bc come i'm suspicious of anyone there is thinking the writer calls this trans exclusionary meaning that if you believe a woman can't have male, then your attacking trans. and it's the same thing with men, of course they can have female parts. if they did, they would never leave the house.

but by adhering to biology, they say you are denying human dignity, which is fine by me. and sometimes perception and biology do not match up. hard to believe there are some women who don't believe i'm attractive. i know. it's weird. you ask me to use a preferred pronoun, sure, i'll do it, but you can't force me to lie to myself. it's like compelling me to believe two plus two equals five because saying four might hurt biden's feelings. but decent folk, we'll be polite and treat you like the good person you are, but in my head you cannot change. if not at least without a few cocktails and a nice dinner first. as my dad used to say, you can't fight nature, but i proved him wrong when i boxed that kangaroo. had nothing to do with that monologue. but instead watching the left defend denigration of women and they come up with the clumsy's language with a guide of inclusivity like they, who is

they? they're compelled to call a 21-year-old woman gender studies of the day, but an actual woman is a per birthing person. there goes the excuse you're eating for two. they tell woman to be more inclusive to trans woman. being a mom is bad unless it's -- it's more legal stick bowling for leftists. if the writer's claim it's balls, it's bigoted to say that biological females are scientifically more female than trends females who used to be dudes. but i wonder who backs the stuff up? what terrified scientists and they find that they agree that uterus don't count? that's got to suck for the dating apps. what if i am single? should i make it clear on match.com that i only want to date women with.

no penises please. does that make me homophobic? no, i'm just picky. i just don't want to end up with an angry unshaven vegan and a micro skirt and has a. there is underrated word. not going to hate anything named, but who knows, it might be fun after you take her to dinner, you can have a sword fight in the euro and the quiznos men's room sorry. quiznos. this is in the woman, it's about men. macy's forced to identify to men who identify as women because men can be anything they

want including woman, but if you think right wing patriarchy is bad, you traded it for left-wing patriarchy. how does that work? >> i just wanted to let you know that i'm actually not identifying as a woman now. i really hope that doesn't affect our relationship. >> well, it should stop us from fighting about the toilet seat. >> yes, i will have -- >> wait, ladies first! bring me to steaks and a jamison. you might as well just bring the whole bottle. >> i'll just have a salad. >> now when i'm on the subway, i really spread out, i take care of three or four seats. >> nice, right on, brother man. we'll be splitting the spirit >> excuse me, is chivalry dead >> chivalry, in that case i'm a woman too.

>> this is a woman you've been seeing! >> how can i be the other woman? i'm a man! oh, my god, you're gay? >> greg: well that was fun. the lightly humorous, but what do i know? i'm not a woman, even if i say i am. let's welcome tonight's guests. he left "snl," it stands for seriously, nobody's laughing, jim breuer! his career decisions after cheers were as smart as chalets. tv writer had producer rob long ! she went from the square dance to the finance, business anchor

dagen mcdowell! and like a band-aid, she's pale, sticky, often found in shower drains, fox news contributor kat timpf! jim, i'm happy to have you here and welcome to the show. i loved your specials and it's great, you're the only good physical comedian left. i watch and i get exhausted. >> i was exhausted, too, i'm glad you liked it. >> greg: if macy didn't apologize, what would have happened? >> most likely, nothing. first of all, her intention came from a good place. if any human is watching that going i can't -- off with her head! make sure the contents are destroyed! i don't get it, she wasn't mean, she's just as is.

the thing's -- >> greg: the thing is, the intentions don't matter. if you apologize, you just make them hungrier. speaking of hungry, rob, how are you doing? >> i'm doing all right. >> greg: that was the worst transition ever appeared >> not the worst when you've ever done >> greg: we are in the weird world where the implications, if you don't think a woman can have external, then you're a bigot. are you a bigot? >> i don't really know what i am now. i don't identify as a bigot. >> greg: you're dressed as a bigot. what club did you saunter in from? >> one where you're not allowed. >> greg: you are all plotting -- dare you applaud

your trade >> i'm sure you have your own applause. >> greg: we count the money. >> i'm just happy you have your own. i did actually once, i was in the end event with macy gray and talk to her for half an hour and i literally have no idea what she was saying. she's super talented but she's a little naughty too. and i feel like -- more than half of america grieves with her. yeah, you're probably right, that's a good definition of a woman. the progressive left made ordinary people say something like macy gray got her head on good and straight. >> greg: we are redefine what a sane person is. the same person is and who you thought it was. >> she's been a big star about 22 years, the big first album was in 2,000.

as much as he would like to change, you're not going to. >> greg: you'll always be an elegant vagrant. >> thank you. that's the nicest thing you've ever sat on the air. a speed when your face is red with the white beard. all you need is a shabby -- i have a very important meeting later with some very important people. one fingerless gloves. a stain right here, nobody knows why it's there. a weird hole in the back. a lot of vagrants do that. don't ask me how i know. or ask me later after the show, i might tell you. the golden rule, treat people the way you want to be treated, like hey i want to call me are they, as you come up but there's something very american about being angry of 70 compels you to do something. >> as you know, i'm a woman and

i've been walking on planet earth for more than half a century and i'm [bleep] exhausted. [laughter] i only want some unqualified unmitigated support, yeah, but i'm talking about nobody knows what we go through. i've been on the earth longer, '87 is the year i was dating, and the year that "fatal attraction" came out. every dude was looking at me and thinking all the thing that's going through their head is you won't answer my calls. you changed your number. i'm not going to be ignored, rob. >> greg: you do that very well. >> as i should. i have a deficiency, my nickname was short stack of when i was in

my 40s and that was given to me on live television. one more thing. if anybody does this, it doesn't mean show us your brain. >> greg: so kat, there's a lot of wisdom from the crazy lady on the bus. don't get near her. he is being woman a viable? can you attest to that or no? >> yeah, no, although i'm a woman, i don't really have a woman vibe. i have a bro vibe. yeah, those are the comments that got shared everywhere but all of them, she did also say i'll call you whatever you want thing. she said that i support equal rights and all rights for trans people thing. so what she said was, yeah, look, i'll call you whatever you

want and i'll respect you, i personally may not agree with certain things but live your life and that's what people got mad about. for me, no matter what the subject is, i think that's kind of like what the goal should be varied to say, hey, we may disagree but i still support you to live the life the way you want to. only these days can be something that was this scandalous. >> greg: repeating the prompter chapter andhi verse. ♪ ♪ d, no matter how much i paid, it followed me everywhere. between the high interest, the fees... i felt trapped. debt, debt, debt. so i broke up with my credit card debt and consolidated it into a low-rate personal loan from sofi. i finally feel like a grown-up. break up with bad credit card debt. get a personal loan with no fees, low fixed rates, and borrow up to $100k. go to sofi.com to view your rate. sofi. get your money right. ♪♪ >> tech: when you have auto glass damage, trust safelite. sofi. get your money right. this dad and daughter were driving when they got a crack in their windshield.

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>> oh, biden. >> greg: how low can joe go? glad i didn't screw that up, that would have been hypocritical. first of all joe being called on for his associate to official

statement on the foreign prime minister shinzo abe. when he blame the assassination on gun violence. way to bury the lede or the lead. japan has some of the strictest gun laws in the world but it's the gun violence again. at least joe didn't pin it on white supremacy or trump. given a weekend joe's handlers will link the whole assassination to january 6th. then there is mess. >> this is a quote now from the majority. women are not without electoral or political power. it's noteworthy the percentage of women who registered to vote and cast a ballot is consistently higher than the percentage of the men who do so end of quote the line. women are not without electoral

or political power. >> greg: he really is a hostage reading a ransom note. but he does it so well, i believe him. "the new york times" got the go-ahead to stop covering for the cognitive cupcake saying "he often shuffles when he walks, and age where he will trip on a wire. he stumbles over words during public events and they hold their breath to see if he makes it to the end without a gaffe." you'd hold your breath to if joe misses the 10:00 a.m. changing. meanwhile, he said worst things about you, believe me. the approval rating had a all-time low, 29% in a new civics poll and the number dropped to wear. if joe might try to snip his hair. joe's woes grow, thank god for hunter and his newest video leaked footage of him and what appears to be cracked.

>> i just made out the bag. 2.06. >> 2.07. we got the bag. >> greg: it really is the smartest guy joe knows. she was off by it .01 of a gram and he used a scale and nailed the on it. and i have to admit it looks like parmesan cheese, he was right about that. we've got a lot to go over here, and i don't agree with people hacking people's phones, especially when the person who is hacked takes me wish i had more fun life. >> he makes me feel boring. >> greg: like i don't do anything anymore. he's not that young either, and he's going down slides naked,

money wired to and from from russian escorts. >> money wired to and from probably is a bonus that most of us don't have. >> greg: exactly. >> i feel like if that was me, i'd be in big trouble. >> greg: you're not the offspring of a president. >> if that were me, i don't like i'd be coming back to work. it's a bummer if i was still able to come to work and be a crack head, i don't think i could balance the two. that's why never smoked crack because i think i would love it. [laughter] [applause] you guys, too? [laughter] >> greg: we are really changing. jim, when we are old, we are going to be screwed up. right? i'm screwed up now. but we are not president. >> no. no, we are not.

i would hope the first time i drop a deuce in my pants and i'm don't know where i'm at, they wouldn't let me read a prompter and run a country. that's just me though. i just know if you ask me to get in a compact car with him while he's driving, i ain't doing that and that alone should tell you we have a serious situation. >> greg: having to remind him of things like basic things, a little car. but then i want to ask you, "the new york times" is jumping over it, they are doing it because they got the go-ahead. they're going to get rid of him. >> that's what all of this is about. making it safe for somebody to run against him. if you read the article, it's amazing, all the aids and doing the other stuff sharp as a tack, called up in the middle of the night, redoing policy papers in the p so my reason people voted for him was because he's old.

they wanted no trouble. of the young girl and incredibly healthy man also stopped people from drilling from oil, stopped people from building refineries, and wrote checks to people to increase inflation, they began 29% too. this guy has a policy problem, not an age problem. stuttering old men would be fine if he wasn't such a. >> greg: i had a great fact to make about how joe is an empty vessel controlled by young bookstores. that's the problem >> the problem isn't coming from joe biden, people within the white house. i think biden's really trying to flood the zone. if the grandpa goof and buffoonery is an act. and he doesn't want to do anything. if they think i'm so out of it and i'm shuffling around here

like bedroom shoes i stole from a cheap motel, cheap motels don't have bedroom shoes anyway, if they really wanted to improve his physical performance they can buy him some new shoes. your feet change when you get old. you get fallen arches, but they can prevent -- i just think he wants to be at the beach. i got elected by sitting at home, why can't i -- sending me on trips, i'll give you trips! >> greg: he wants to do is zoom presidency and who wouldn't? wouldn't that be great? hang out in the old basement. >> i'm excited i'm not going to be in trouble because i said i didn't smoke crack. >> greg: are you living a white fable if you don't fight at the dinner table? ♪ ♪ back to younger people. i think most adults will start realizing that they don't recall things as quickly as they used to or they don't remember things as vividly as they once did. i've been taking prevagen for about three years now.

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>> every day is racist! >> greg: wow. this is getting easier every

day. is attacking your family the ticket to prove that you're not a bigot? their unconscionable destructive field, the woken sister run the family meal. a recent tweak thread, white people who get along with their family members are racist for not criticizing each other's views. that right, if you love grandma, it's only because you're overlooking the bigotry. recant the 1970s view or sleep in the garage! just because the editor for something called "rewire news." means are not fully committed to racial justice. how ironic, the saloon once other people to be committed. you guessed it, she is a white older liberal lady. aren't they all? it's true. if she says "even good white families are a little racist

when you scratch the surface." it's amazing she knows everything about every family including yours. me too and i can say for a fact that jessica's family despises her. [applause] they say she's a source of constant embarrassment and narcissism for them, and they wish she would try to find true happiness in life rather than trying to make people's lives miserable by labeling them bigots. maybe that's why her family keeps renting out her bedroom while she still in it. i don't know who the person is, i just made that up. rob, i feel like the painting in that beat up little sailboat is missing a corncob pipe. >> it's not, i have it with me. >> greg: that's not a thing! is this another example about this is like a -- it's a pure

occultism. i want to accept you, you have to betray your family. >> i mean, she just loves holidays because she gets to yell at her family and now she's got a reason for it instead of her being just kind of a jerk. everybody's a jerk and their family, and now she's got a philosophical under current. if she's on good terms with three members of her family and what do those three people do in a previous life? creating this terrible -- like all three of them burned down an orphanage or something. so terrible that like now, they have to talk to her. >> greg: i wonder if they're just going to try to get away from her as far as possible now. maybe they will agree and start going at each other like rats in a coffee can. >> you used to do rats in a coffee can, too! >> greg: that's what me and the hobos did. bet on them! yeah, sparky was always the toughest rat government was and

he? >> i feel very unsafe right now. >> greg: if you believe that american history is all oppression, that means all your relatives are more guilty than you are because you're the youngest. your parents, grandparents, they are all scum according to this idea. >> may be they are maybe they are, but i choose to get along with my family. particularly at the dinner table because we can get into fallacious arguments, just about how to make the best coleslaw. at supper, i do not want to get stabbed in the back of the hand with a spoon. >> greg: i get it. >> it hurts like heck. >> greg: the young wokesters don't realize and 20 or 30 years, they'll be a same thing about the things that they

condemn. >> i said it in the special. >> greg: i just must've lifted it from you. >> softball. i got caught looking. my daughter says dad. i don't know what that means i said, i can't wait until she has kids in the family 30 years from now and she's like hey, we've had enough with the way you guys disrespect me and your father, we have new rules and this is dead -- you can't say that, that's racist, that's demonic. it's gender phobic. >> greg: not so offensive to the dead, i mean, they can't talk back. they might have a pretty good --

i don't know if that's true. kat, your families a mess. i mean that in a good way. all over the back. >> i let you insult me a lot, but you're going after my family? they don't get paid for it, so that's not fair! >> greg: i'm a hypocrite, i condemn this woman for going -- politically, you have flatterers in your family. i don't know. you guys ever have arguments? >> of course. >> greg: about politics? >> i mean, sometimes, but we all still talk. i think this may be more of a situation where her family doesn't talk to her. you know? i kind of feel like i'm such a good ally, my family doesn't talk to me i'm a it's like they woke progressive version of men won't date me because they are intimidated by me. [applause]

sometimes i'm sure that's true, but it's also a thing you tell yourself to explain to yourself why you are so alone. >> greg: we've done studies on this and they can't find a single example of that. a guy who's intimidated by like a hot chick. [laughter] >> it's just that i'm so funny and smart and beautiful and successful that men just run from me. the only explanation. >> greg: all right, we solve nothing. coming up, celebs who know the left has gone too far. ♪ ♪ then i tried the always discreet pads. they fit perfectly in the places they're supposed to. look how much it holds, and it still stays thin! it's the protection we deserve!

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technically when enamel is gone, you cannot get it back. but there are ways you can repair it. i'm excited about pronamel repair because it penetrates deep into the tooth to help actively repair acid-weakened enamel. i recommend pronamel repair to my patients. >> greg: is the left's grip on hollywood shrinking or is that wishful thinking? meet the freethinkers that the left can't keep down. hollywood is a magical place where dreams are converted into cocaine and plastic surgery. mostly liberal, filled with rich people who tell people with less money they don't do enough for

the world. while they spend their money on private jets. but according to the daily wire, more stars are in the industry lockstep. it would be nice if being conservative in hollywood was the only thing that got you the death sentence, including murder. joe rogan is said that ron desantis would make a good president, rob schneider tweeted about the importance of free speech over the language police. the article points to the alley, you remember her, who voted for trump and bill maher who repeatedly walked wokeness. they need people who can hire others they can agree with, so entertainment doesn't only appeal to woke [bleep]. we have seen the story before, it's been a real trend and something to fantasize about. it just because we wanted to be true, won't make it true. like walt disney said, i dream you dream alone is only a dream. it not do what i say, and cut

off my head and put it in the cooler. if so demanding. i've got to hollywood people here let's go to jim and rob first. >> that was a trick play! >> greg: i asked ms. all the time i ask this all the time and do think more comedian should be questioning what they're talking about and purely noncareer reasons? >> it's just career reasons, they are afraid to be hired, they go -- to me come to realize that more celebrities -- it's the new coming out of the closet. like, hey, maybe we should get a month and cover some magazines and a whole parade. keep this thing going, i don't know. >> i would love that. >> greg: i would love to have a parade although they are not good to me because of my height.

i'm looking at people's backs. >> what are you talking about? your writing on the floats. >> your writing on the float in a star-spangled banner speedo. >> that's what i'm saying! exactly right. >> greg: good time. i keep telling them it was a very cold morning. rob, okay, some would say that your atv hollywood veteran. some -- >> some have said that. >> greg: they grab stuff and put it together, chris kelly, bill maher, now i've got a story, but it feels like there's some kind of mood shifting and it's in the podcast space bar. >> i don't know, those people that you mentioned, they are not

incredibly woke them up progressive liberals, which is now the only definition that the left will accept. they've been cast out. joe rogan was a bernie sanders supporter. a bill maher is no conservative. it rob schneider, i don't really remember who that is. russell brand, very funny, but christie alley is not a conservative, she's just a freethinker. think about celebrities, you talk about politics, if you agree with them. education policies, tax policies, and that's why the ancient galactic war, they are all buried in the ice volcanoes and you're like i have to go now. it back to the office to make important phone calls. >> greg: i understand completely but i will take a scientologist over a wokesters in a heartbea because at least they believe in like going to work.

scientologist, the most famous scientologist in the world has the number one movie in america, it's going to make a billion dollars by next week probably. tom cruise knows exactly what the movie businesses, delivers an incredibly great movie. tom cruise is more normal american, more of a normal american even though he's a scientologist than half the people in hollywood. >> he's got the values down and it's easy to point out successful scientologist because you can't point out the failed one scary >> i don't know as much about it as you do. >> that's my new book, scientology come of the facts. >> greg: what do you think, kat? >> i agree, i don't necessarily think that they have like maga heads, because they don't agree with everything that democrats think about. but we tend to do it a lot where if someone says one thing that's nice about a democrat and they hate republicans, one thing

that's nice about republicans, they hate democrats. most peoples are individuals who don't necessarily agree with every single thing on one side or the other. i know i'm like that, which of course nobody notices because i work here. >> greg: [laughs] so true! so true! so true. at dagen, close it out for us with your sparkly thoughts. >> not sparkly, dark and that i won't share publicly. i think joe rogan should be leading the parade out of the liberal movement because he's got everything everybody should want. he is super rich, and he's high all the time. he's done it by talking to people he wants to talk to. he talks about things he likes, and just having people on his

show who he wants to be around. what's great about that, the alternative is what the left does is they get up in the morning, and is deborah nesson going to like one of my tweets today? >> greg: you know it's funny that her name is missing. we've got to go, but i'm sure there's people you both know we never say anything political, but you know there is something there. i think tom cruise is like that. i think he's politically closer to this world than the work world because he doesn't have time for the other stuff. up next, will we see a come back from a former cnn hack? ♪ ♪

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>> greg: a story in 5-hertz, chris, is back in front. a comeback on instagram, shirtless, cigar smoking instagram story. something is coming, what's it going to be? it's exciting. don't applaud that. >> he should bottle and sell whatever he is having an pumping is like an air freshener that he

can wave. i would call it my mommy said that i'm great. >> greg: rob. he hasn't changed. >> no. >> greg: that's fantastic, is still an egotistical market. >> people don't change, be or ordered that on religion when this at the five would store, i thought i only had five words so here are my five points. chris cuomo, hunter biden conor lamb. >> greg: that's what i'm waiting for. >> yeah. >> greg: one pumps are in the other pumps -- that's probably crass. that was a great thing for me to say. any protection is what he might do? >> he can do whatever he wants. doesn't he still have a sexual harassment thing looming over? >> greg: i think so. he is being so do something. because that's going to be pretty hard. you can go to ukraine, you can order you uganda, you can go wherever you want, eventually there were to bring it up.

>> i do only fan's. >> greg: only friend. because i've been saying it for months, definitely going to do it. >> greg: yeah, because he is 30. >> loves attention, i doesn't like wearing clothes i think it might be great for him. >> greg: his true happiness in life will be to marry his desire for attention with money. to go and, love. >> greg: yeah, he loves. >> self-care, because if you squint a kind of looks like hunter biden. little bit. >> my prediction, come to fox. >> those pictures, i took like 30 of them because of the chart i want to see all the traps of every single one of those. >> screaming i'm extreme, i'm the blow. >> on the street while you are doing have to watch the bts. that's the face rob makes money jumps off the boxcar.

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