♪ happy birthday to you ♪ ♪ happy birthday... happy birthday to you ♪ god love you, kiddo. >> laura: [laughs] i can't do this! that's it for us tonight. our commander in chief of america? ♪ happy birthday -- ♪ [cheers and applause] >> greg: yes! yes. happy thursday, everybody! yes. the sanctuary of lights continue. they are the only flights that are on time. last night florida governor steve desantis

tothe progressive paradigm known as martha's vineyard which makes sense. 7-yard it's a vineyard and those grape. i assume there is going to be plenty of work on a vineyard. but i wouldn't know. i'm not allowed there. not since barack's birthday party. should have seen his face when i jumped out of the cake. the g string was a little bit too much. and i was wearing one too. the coverage has been hysterical as if sending migrants from a sweltering part of texas to the most luxurious spot in america hosts of obama, larry david, john kerry, is somehow cruel and inhumane punishment. but maybe it is cruel. you know who also lives there? james taylor. i know. i wonder if he has a comment. >> ♪ you are going to love ♪

♪ martha's vineyard mama i'd come join you ♪ ♪ but my legs are injured ♪ ♪ larry david lives here ♪ ♪ and meg ryan too ♪ ♪ obama loves it ♪ ♪ and so will you ♪ ♪ by the way what happened to meg ryan ♪ ♪ martha's vineyard ♪ ♪ it's an island ♪ >> greg: it's an island! excellent. [cheers and applause] every liberal celebrity fancies themselves a sanctuary city supporter, why shouldn't they mingle with the migrants they champion from afar. it's pretty rich how the media refused to cover the border crisis as long as it affected texas or florida because who cares? now the responsibility has been shared by force, they are deeply concerned. listen to these [bleep]. >> i think this is political theater.

>> treating people like political pawns. >> using migrants as bonds. >> another disgusting and vile moves. >> these are children and older people. we can work it out but if you are going to be a bonehead, who wants to play with you? >> greg: who wants to play with you! they call this inhumane after ignoring the migrant drownings, multiple deaths in smugglers' trucks. overdoses from fentanyl coming over our border. save your outrage you gargantuan gas bags for you are worried about losing the cheap labor that trims your hedges and your bikini area. i was thinking about charlie crist. very clean down there. yes! i am referring to all of those people in d.c. and new york who are beating their chests when trump was president saying they were so proud to be sanctuary jurisdictions.

right, ron? >> all those people in d.c. and new york were beating their chest wins me if i was president saying they were so proud to be century jurisdictions, saying how bad it was being a secure border. the minute even a small fraction of what those border towns deal with everyday is brought to their front door, they all of a sudden go berserk and they are so upset this is happening and it just shows you there virtue signaling as a fraud. >> greg: i'm pretty sure the message is clear. we are not a sanctuary state. >> our message is we are not a sanctuary state. there are some century jurisdictions and that would be better. what would be the best is for biden to do his job and secure the border. >> greg: you're only only allowed to applaud me. he can't hear you. that was tape. they wouldn't have to do all

this of the government would actually enforce the laws. aren't they supporting policies that are frankly indefensible? >> they are supporting policies that are frankly indefensible. it's not defensible for a superpower to not have any control over the territory of its country. over the borders of its country. b-1 the logic is simple. states that have incentivized legal should be made to feel the impact of their own actions. given that they prorated themselves as sanctuary states, they should be overjoyed they be able to better care for the migrants than these evil border states. it's perfect. mock border states were complaining about the problem? why not you try being a border state for a wild pair border state deal with millions of i'm sure the administration is on top of that. >> does the white house stand by those comments in the border? >> we'll be standby as we are doing everything we can to make

sure that we follow the process that has been put forth. that's why we have historic funding to do just that. to make sure that... to make sure that the folks we encounter at the border be removed or expelled. >> greg: that sounds like me when dana caught me trying on her leggings. don't leave your bedroom window open! but maybe needs the kamala treatment. >> we are doing everything we can to make sure that we follow the process that we have historic funding to do just t that. to make sure that to make sure

that the folks we encounter at the border be removed. >> greg: bongos. save it for later. give some of that to jimmy kimmel. a border state is making a sanctuary state walk the walk which poses a problem for critics of florida and texas. how can you be if you feel thosered states aree and yours isn't? isn't transporting migrants to your city like chicago and philly a true act of charity or bipartisanship? unless you think it's cool to send them there. you might be right. migrants leave venezuela for the u.s. only to realize liberal run cities might be worse. they find that philly is just caracas with cheesesteaks. chicago is tijuana with more gunfire. at least until one they fire the guns in the air.

not into the bedroom. what about martha's vineyard? homes are huge but small families like the obama's on a multimillion dollar home on the island with many spare rooms but he can temporarily house some migrants. but no kids cages this time. think about all the times saved, ready to set up the table for obama's next super spreader birthday party. the next part? what it's done to the phony politicians for the munchkin mayor from chicago called texas sending migrants to her city both racist and unchristian for this is before she herself sent migrants from her city to a suburb. doesn't this make her more unchristian since she'd brag about being a sanctuary city? you can't get more unchristian then saying there is room at the inn and when folks arrive after a long journey telling them that there is no room at the inn. you can bet that some of those

folks are named jesus. [applause] yes. let's welcome tonight's guest. she can raise hell and the average iq of our panel. k.t. mcfarland. like all great writers, plans to be famous after death. tv writer producer rob long. she is like a fruit fly for a tiny persistent and always trying to dive into your chardonnay. fox news contributor kat timpf. and he can lift your mood and the foundation of your house. my massive sidekick and nwa world television champion tyrus. rob long, great to see you with your beard. >> my beard is happy to be here too. >> greg: what i love about

this is how upset the liberals and the dems are getting because it's forcing them to cover illegal immigration. >> is also not new. when i was living in l.a. the mayor would send homeless people to vegas but mayor bloomberg sent people to miami beach. a long tradition of sending people to resort areas, right? this is another resort area they are sending them to. it's not unusual to do this. something people do all the time for the problem really is -- two problems. these are people from venezuela. they are looking for asylum. venezuela is a pit because it's run by a socialist crackpot. socialist crackpot that a lot of american celebrities and politicians like. >> hugo. >> my theory is we should take all those people from venezuela, all of them, and return an equal number of the americans love venezuela so much, they can be where they want to be and we can

have, happy to be in america americans who don't like that kind of government and is happy. it should be an exchange program. shouldn't be migrants. sean penn and people should be going back. >> greg: a socialist swap! >> everybody should be where they want to be. if you want to be in the land of freedom and opportunity, a lot of the celebrities want to be in the land of socialism and crackpot pottery, let it go. >> greg: whether conservative or libertarian, a lot of the people coming here are more conservative than we are. to think that this is a big problem, no, these people are eisenhower republicans. meanwhile, our gen z people, they can even read. just made that up. don't not >> they are reagan republicans. they know exact way how bad it is but we should send the rest of them, the entire political science faculty at harvard should go back to venezuela. [cheers and applause] >> you went to yale!

>> yeah, i went to yale. >> greg: they also sent migrants to kamala harris' house after she claimed the border was secured. that's pretty rich. >> the real story here is definitely doing with men charity and gobbledygook. they are going to put them in red states, they are going to give them citizenship, there'll be voters voters and the democrats who are tricky but are not very smart, they don't realize what in fact they are doing is assaulting the state with republican voters bear they are pro-family, they work hard, they are small business workers and owners. they believe in all the stuff that the standard republican reagan republican believes in. these stupid democrats, so tricky. they are just bringing in 4 million potential republican voters they've done the last two years? >> greg: tyrus, i've never met a woke mexican, never met a welcome guatemalan, never met a

local venezuelan. there is no wokeism down there. >> when you are escaping a third world country, you missed the first world problems. you know what i'm saying? you don't participate. you know what i'm saying? speaking the participate, this is off subject but i have to congratulate you. >> greg: why? >> for effecting the emmys the way you did. >> greg: thank you! >> we made, g made it our participation award. phenomenal. nobody would take it. enjoy that. >> i will. thank you. >> that's a first world problem. they do not like big government. really. they will be voting republican peer the problem though is those seeking asylum, i get it. the general consensus is our border is wide open and crossing over it illegally is fine and as long as that's the message it doesn't matter whether they vote

republican or democrat, they are still illegal here and it's not fair for those who are doing it the right way. >> greg: americans like to go things really like risk takers but they also like process. just come in please wait in l line. in-line buying tickets. it makes me very violent sometimes. >> america's favorite sport is football. a little committee meeting. and then violence. and a little committee meeting and violence bear that's where we are. you've got to have the meeting. you've got to go through the process. >> greg: the democrats master stunt? >> it's being done to prove a political point. they say, you want to take care of these people coming here they are. it's a political... but i also think it's ridiculous how they are framing a flight to martha's vineyard as the worst thing that people have ever been

to. >> greg: they are comparing it to the holocaust! >> they are fleeing horrific conditions. they been talking about it this way the entire time and a lot of it has been offensive. these people are clueless, helpless victims of a bust. why can they not decide for themselves whether or not to get on the bus. because they are migrants question mike that's racist. they are getting on the bus because they want to get on the bus. they are going to martha's vineyard because they want to go to martha's vineyard. you can call it political. it is political. they are making a political point. these people aren't outraged and upset crying on their trip to martha's vineyard but it's the best thing that's ever happened to them! >> if they can't figure out how to pull the cord to get on the bus. >> there is a story that there is a bus of illegal immigrants on the way to new york city.

>> is there a nicest place you can make. >> the people living up to the concept of sanctuary are the same people that the left hate and that's religious folks. it's the churches that are showing upgrading his people and finding them food and whatever. it's not left-wingers. it could be. it's the church, people who cling to their bibles and are doing the heavy lifting. all right. up next. hunter's financial ploy to avoid paying his bundle of joy. people remember ads with young people having a good time. so to help you remember that liberty mutual customizes your home insurance, here's a pool party. ♪ good times. insurance! ♪ only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty. ♪

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>> greg: hunter refuses to share his finances with the baby mama who gave him lap dances. court documents reveal the smartest man joe knows is trying to weasel out of support payments of love child with a former exotic dancer, known as a stripper. although the judge knows he pays with $1 bill for first hunter denied the kid was his until the court matched his dna which they scraped off a ceiling at a mote. hunter reportedly is trying to lower the amount due to a change in his financial circumstances. as we all know, inflation has made a really hard to afford child support and crack cocaine. he claims he's broke. judge rudolph and farris seen here will not make records public at hunter's firearm case. you recall that hunter foster's

gun ended up in a trash can in 2018 on to your realize it was dumped by his brother's widow who he was banging at the time. who can't relate to that? the obama appointed judge ruled out that privacy outweighs releasing the records to the public. privacy? if this judge cares about hunter's privacy, he'd hold him in contempt until he puts on some pants. talk about a man who's saved more dick pics than richard nixon's biographer. yes, i'll take some applause. >> i get it. >> that's why you are number one, sir. >> greg: i will not back away from a [bleep] joke unless it's from a man named -- she's talking about taking

responsibility. this is his kid. this kid is going grow up knowing his dad, his uncle is president! i don't know what i just said. >> you skipped something. >> his dad is his uncle. >> i think we should just move on. i think it's also going to specially be tough because the kid can just go on the internet and find out that his dad also has its not rockets that make $75,000 each. he just shoots the paint out of his nose and boom, 75 grand. my it's not rockets my 's doesn't have enough connections to power. the last person who can complain something like that. >> greg: i feel like you have a strong... just the way you are looking at me i'm frightened.

>> yeah. i really wish i had my sunglasses right now. >> and whatnot. >> whatnot. i feel the pain of -- >> greg: child support? ridiculous child support. but you just got to pay that [bleep], man. he's got to do it. it sucks. when you have as many cash avenues as he does, it's pathetic. it's not like he doesn't have a few friends in china that could cut him a check. >> yes! he will engage in corruption for anyone but his child. >> yeah. he can get money from anywhere. if he cut back to just one hooker a week, he can support my kids also. >> greg: that's true. he spends so much money on some of the bad things.

>> but also with the whole right to life thing, i think men, just move on from it. >> greg: what if this was a trump son making art out of his snot, banging strippers, knocking them up? >> we'd never hear the end of it. but this thing is he's tricky. "i can afford child support" but he's not very smart. if he has to go to a court in the say, i want to get my child support reduced because of my financial situations. what does a judge say a question mike see those tax returns. that's where they get him. he's going to be on the record for where does all that money go? where does it all go? they got al capone on tax

evasion but not on killing half the people in chicago. >> greg: rob, if your dad's hunter and mom is a stripper, this kid is going to be an extrovert. >> he's a lucky lucky little k kid. as you know, i'm not a licensed psychologist in the state of new york. >> greg: but you do look like one. >> i had a therapist who looks just like you. >> obviously he's recovering, we hope, a drug addict. influence peddler. forgetful computer owner. we know that. now he's a deadbeat dad but he's doing all this stuff to get attention and the media and "the new york times" and cnn, they refused to give it to him even though he desperately craves it. they don't really want to cover this story. he's going to do more and more crazy outlandish stuff. somebody is going to get hurt. this guy wants to be on the front page. i say for the sake of all of our safety he should be on the frot

page. >> greg: we've extended the invitation to hunter to be part of the panel. >> may be offer him a check. >> greg: exactly bit i'll buy one of his paintings. >> he'll put a stripper through college but not his child. >> greg: exactly. >> that's why they do it. >> greg: up next. how much would you expose to get on one of cnn's shows? his pure . gold bond pure moisture lotion 24-hour hydration no parabens, dyes, or fragrances gold bond champion your skin ♪ it wasn't me by shaggy ♪ you're never responsible for unauthorized purchases on your discover card. ubrelvy helps u fight migraine attacks. u rise to the challenge. u won't clock out. so u bring ubrelvy. it can quickly stop migraine

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>> greg: cnn watchers, heed this warning. don booking the worst shows in the nation. cnn demoted don lemon from prime time, giving him a morning spot with coanchors poppy harlow and caitlin hollins. what did poppy and caitlin new do to deserve this? this means don lemon will be doing commentary from 6:00 a.m. which is the time he wakes up in someone's shed and walks home.

6:00 a.m. means we'll all be up at the crack of dawn. could be the name of the show can you creeps. that's another 11:00er that are little show crushed. cnn is asking politics, gender identity, disability status, and more. reportedly to help bookers find guests who may be good for certain topics. for example, maybe you are looking for someone to provide commentary on being unpopular at work. it would be good to have a name right at your fingertips. cnn spokesperson says, the initiative launched is strictly voluntary. cnn is committed to representing a variety of voices and perspectives on this information helps both identify relevant guests and ensure diversity in our bookings. some of the options you can choose for political ideology are extremely strange such as

marxism, nazism. left up the question, how often do you during zoom calls -- you do television. you know people. if someone says his questionnaire is optional you are going to do it because you want to be on tv. >> you'll fill it out the way they want you to! >> greg: you want me to be nonbinary question mike albee nonbinary on ""fox & friends"." and on "cavuto," you'll be the trilateral commission. >> you know your audience doesn't know the trilateral commission is. >> greg: the illuminati. i'm scaring them. >> i've been doing to be commentary for 15-20 years but i've never been asked any of those questions at fox news.

a couple of times i've gone on msnbc or cnn, they never put it in writing, but they always ask you, will you take this position, will you take that? if you say, i'm not going to get on there and talk about stupid stuff, they'll move right along. the thing is, they are tricky but they are not very smart! they are putting it in writing. now they are putting it in writing. all the stuff they've been doing verbally over the phone for a long time. now they've got to defend themselves against invasion of privacy and lack of diversity. >> greg: that's what it is, tyrus. right? >> they take checking boxes to a whole 'nother level. they only put you on tv -- we need to check four of the five to be on the show. instead of doing a crazy idea, ask them the question! hey, we have a show about oil in the middle east. your thoughts? i don't know anything about that. okay, maybe we are not going to ask you. but i am nonbinary and do oil

paintings. welcome aboard! that's the problem. stop checking boxes and ask questions relevant to the subject matter you are talking about. it's crazy. >> greg: rob, would you like to talk about? we haven't talked about lemon being kicked out of prime time because we crushed them in the ratings or this questionnaire. did you ever ask about your opinion? >> i've been asked a lot of incredibly intimate personal questions by you. which are inappropriate. i don't care your number one or whatever, still don't get to ask the questions you asked. >> he's not asking me those questions! >> you aren't going to be part of a lawsuit. but! >> greg: i asked those questions -- >> that's when people call me. >> the weirdest thing about it is the only questions on cnn should be, like, which clinton campaign did you work for?

are you teaching at harvard or at yale this semester? which democratic senator were you a staffer at? those are the real people they have on there anyway. can you imagine if someone talked about to pick a topic and thethe lower third said "monarchist." anybody clicking monarchist on it? i'd like to do that just to see. >> greg: kat, they claim it's voluntary but would you fill it out? >> it so creepy. to normalize -- basically there is a professional opportunity on the line and what they are saying is you don't have to answer but i'd really like it if you could describe to me who it is that you like to [bleep]. that's number nine! that's a situation where you don't really have to doesn't make it any less creepy. >> they aren't asking you for specific names.

>> that's number 12. >> it's creepy! >> there's only one answer: don lemon. >> greg: i love how they separate sexual orientation and gender identity. that means i could be a male lesbian. >> i've met greg gutfeld. you are. >> greg: i'm so proud about it. i was there first before any other man identified as a lesbian. >> you should go to folk singing. >> greg: i feel the folk singing marriage right now. all right. we are out of time on this one.♪ the audience gets to choose which story is better news. it's okay. you see that? that's when i realized it's time to finally do the thing we've been talking about for years. so we're making plans for right now. ♪ careful. ♪

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yep. we aren't deciding. they are been going to let you decide what we cover. going to present two topics in which ever gets the most applause that's the one we are going to do. the writers of the losing story will be transferred to "fox & friends." [laughter] first option. u.s. business inventories increased in july but the pace is slowed likely from a drop in demand as higher interest rates push companies to be cautious as they enter q4. [laughs] one clap. all right. second-story option. did a chess player cheat using beads in his anus -- [cheers and applause] all right. that's great. i guess these people really love chess. story two it is.

was strategy superior or where the signals in the posterior. at a tournament in st. louis, carlson is the reigning five-time world champions nieman was the lowest rated player at the tournament which is how he got his weekend "the cnn of chest." after the loss, carlson withdrew from the tournament and implied in a tweet the young american had cheated. other grandmasters came to carlson's defense and came with the theories. some theorize that he could've include something quickly foreign and competitive chess, talking to a girl. one theory, use vibrating buttons in his shoes communicate with a computer program for the best move. rocking the chess world, nieman won by vibrating anal beads that signaled the best move.

tipped off by the extension cord sticking out of his ass. rob, what a delight we found a story with two variables you are an expert in. >> three. i read this article in "the new york times" and they were so weirdly vague about it i had to go online and find out that apparently there are people who figured out a way to put something in your ass. not yours, but ones. it's brilliant. i'm getting some messages now. >> greg: you think he's kidding. >> this show is so humiliating for me. the one you went from cheers to qnql you called one of our producers

and said we'd only do the show if we did the story with the chess and anal bead connection. it's bigger the problem was it took a long time to try and figure out the logistics of all of it. >> greg: you are right. >> but then i thought in my world, the national security world camino what you could've done? let's just assume it's a bluetooth, there actually was an accord actually wasn't accord. the russians used to do it all the time. they could've reprogrammed it. he could've gone up literally in smoke. >> greg: or cure his hemorrhoids. >> is that possible or are you freelancing here? i need to be excused for one minute. >> greg: kat, i would've loved to ban the guy explaining he found the potential benefit from his anal beads.

>> we don't know he did this and there's no evidence he did so i feel bad for him. >> greg: really? >> it's his huge achievement for everybody is going to say he only got there because of his butt hole. >> greg: he's low rated and he beat the champ. there is something fishy and it's his butt hole? >> but what if it's not questioning >> greg: we should raise that question so we don't get sued. is it fishy butt hole or it is raw talent? >> he's thinking of every decision in his life that led to this point. >> you sorry... we had a choice. we had a choice. you know. maybe the kid just pulled this one out of his ass, gutfeld.

i don't know. it's one of those accusations that you can't really not prove it. you know? he wasn't making eye signals or someone sitting across the room giving him a tell. hit just had to be that. you didn't even read the story. you just saw the title and you just went nuts. >> greg: i do not read the stories. i do not want to be biased by the words. i let the headlines direct me. like a real journalist. >> like a child. >> greg: did you >> did you ever see the movie "casino." >> greg: yes. >> they used to drag him in a room and they cut off his arm or something that they brutalized him. >> with a hammer. >> imagine what you have to do to somebody to punish them for this. >> i just say, you won, bro. >> greg: you put stuff up your

butt to win chess, you should win chess but i think we clobbered this story. >> surprising you were not nominated for an ma. >> greg: they would not touch the story with a anal bead up. coming up, you need to deal out when visiting the mouse. it helps prevent asthma attacks, improve breathing, and lower use of oral steroids. fasenra is not a rescue medication or for other eosinophilic conditions. fasenra may cause allergic reactions. get help right away if you have swelling of your face, mouth and tongue, or trouble breathing. don't stop your asthma treatments unless your doctor tells you to. tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection or your asthma worsens. headache and sore throat may occur. ask your doctor about fasenra. (man 1) oh, it looks like we're in a screen saver. (man 2) but we need to go higher. (man 1) higher. (man 1) we're like yodeling high. [yodeling] yo-de-le-he... (man 2) hey, no. (man 1) we should go even higher!

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>> a story in five words. >> greg: disney world: a huge mess. all right, tyrus. disney world guests filled the theme park is filled with broken down rides and dirty facilities even as the ceo continues to raise prices. is disney world ruined? you are a parent. >> we don't go to disney world. they are correct. woke don't fix things where they ruin things but congratulations. >> greg: interesting point. you aren't allowed to disney world or disneyland but something that happened at the tea cups in the '90s. >> we are going back-and-forth on lawyers about that. i can't really say anything. >> greg: the speakers tell my pictures speak for themselves. >> why you even doing this? in its best, it's not that clean. a bunch of little kids,

junk food, and rides for the interior of these spaces splattered with biomass. not a great spot that you have to be extra special clean to a hospital clean for it to be clean. if you fall down on that, even at 80% or 70% the place is just going to be overrun. >> greg: you are talking about child puke. >> i'm talking about everything. >> greg: i think we've just run into a wall of silence when i mention child puke. >> go woke or broke. disney is so focused on woke, they are going to make the mouse and all that other stuff so woke that they lost track of what they are going to do which is to entertain children and be nice to grandparents. >> greg: and take all of our money. >> yeah. >> greg: $50 large boxes of popcorn. do you take your kids there? >> my kids... no. i don't have kids and i don't take myself there because i respect myself. it's not for adults.

the adults that go there, you have to ask yourself. are you really having a bad time because the robotic crab is broken? you're having a bad time because you're an adult as disneyland and that's sad. >> that's right. not about the kids. i'll take a kid puke. the 30 plus deuce and a quarter plus 5-foot plus with mickey mouse hats filling up the place all day and disney adults, that's what they call themselves? it's an epidemic. >> instead of disneyland i'll take them to the racetrack then we can maybe make some money. >> greg: it so much fun, the racetrack. >> you'll see hunter biden there with his daughter at the same time. >> greg: you do look like a guy who hangs out at the racetrack. >> i love the track. >> that used to be me when i was little and i turned out great. >> greg: we had a racetrack in san mateo that had a golf course inside of it, baymeadows. we can play during the races.

>> that's relatable. >> do be clear, we are anti-disney adults. two things i hate. three. fair traps, long conversations, and disney adults. leave the hats for the kids. take the hat off. >> go to the strip club like a normal person. >> greg: don't take kids to strip clubs. can you believe that kat said to take kids to strip clubs? >> we've moved on. you aren't a good listener. >> greg: don't go away! we'll be right back.

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