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tv   Gutfeld  FOX News  March 11, 2023 1:00am-2:00am PST

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a christmas bag. we know tj max very well here on the angle and it is my obsession for many years. maybe he'll bike over here and we can share shopping tips some day. that's it for tonight. fly a few flags if you can, it is forever. greg gutfeld is here to take it from here. [ applause ] >> . [ applause ] >> what it is? happy friday, it is me, tyrus, not to be confused with the little guy. he's actually under the chair.
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[ laughter ] >> let's welcome tonight's guests. her favorite government program would be one that eliminates government programs. host of kennedy on fox business. kennedy. [ applause ] >> many new yorkers have remorse, because they backed the wrong horse. congresswoman lee zeldon. [ applause ] >> she knows more jack ass than a donkey. co-host on "fox business,". [ applause ] >> if the world was her oyster, she would probably get food poisoning. fox news contributor, kat timpf. [ applause ] >> all right, it is friday so before we get into new stories, it is time for this. ♪ >> greg's left overs.
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>> oh, i don't think anyone said hmm of greg's leftovers. just when greg does it, it is my first time reading these. here we gwe go. this week "the view lifted its studio audience mask requirement. although doctors recommended to wear blindfolds and ear plugs. [ laughter ] >> oh boy, we are getting into it, are we? all right. it also begs the question when will the host take off their masks? [ laughter ] >> halloween was five months ago. [ laughter ] whoo! the biden administration on what -- what? the administration -- oh, they made
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the word so big that the administration is two lines. i was like -- the biden administration is suing to block jet blue's $3.8 billion spirit takeover airline. latest flight. [ laughter ] [ applause ] apparently, i am going blind as we speak. [ laughter ] >> a biological male weight lifting in minnesota has won a judgment to compete in women's power lifting events. to prove she's not a man, she says if she gets lost on the way to the contest, she will definitelily ask for directions. [ laughter ]
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it is true. scientists say robotics can help with daily chores. oh god. wow, now i can really multi-task during work calls said jeffery toobin. [ laughter ] >> kind of knew it was going there. [ laughter ] >> this weekend jimmy kimmel will host the 95th annual academy awards, kimmel offered to slap himself to help boost ratings. [ laughter ] kfc is once again offering their double down sandwich which replaces a traditional bun with two pieces of fried chicken. as a result, customers have to replace it with one of a donor. in other words, that's just
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fat-tacular. more than half of the world's population will be over weight by 2035. hey, the more the merrier says michael moore's cream cheese butler. >> he has a butler just for cheese. [ laughter ] you are fat when you have a butler for specific foods. >> cream cheese butler. [ applause ] sir, your cheese is ready. could you please -- um -- well, discussing his plans for 2024, donald trump suggested that america should develop flying cars, to which angry people responded, we already have that, sir. they're called trains.
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[ laughter ] and finally, this week's sunny d juice brand announced a new tantangy zelzer. doctor says in help by making vodka tastes [ bleep ] nice job, nice job. now some news because this is fox news after all. will voters support the presidential push from the florida governor not named -- bush. not rhyming but i had no choice. i could not think of another person coming out of florida. anonymous source tells "the washington post" that desantis indicates privately he plans to run for president in
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2024 and that jesse waters' hair falls out when he pees. >> what? [ laughter ] >> how would you know? do we hate jesse that much? all right. [ laughter ] >> a comedian reported yesterday that he'll raise money on his campaign. what about jesse's hair? what, you want him work for free? [ laughter ] >> or, at least as much cash a it takes to hire joy reid to speak and clear the field for hihim. hihi oh, let's put this into a video game metaphor because i am a sucker for a good metaphor. first, ron has to defeat boss
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number one, the nikki haley and then enters boss number two, the biggest and baddest-loving mcdonald's most of all. president trump. he did this thing with his cigarette and he puts it like this and he said hey yo and he cussed a lot. ye yeah -- [ laughter ] >> i didn't know it would be tonight that i knew it was over for dice. wow, big dice fan, all right. that won't be an easy battle since a new poll suggests they are tied up in iowa like greg on vacation. [ laughter ] >> and finally, the last boss, old joe himself. oh, that'll be a cake -- we don't do that here.
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and that'll be a cake walk since he can't even walk up the stairs. he's such a bad candidate, even his brain left. i would have to vote for him, i would not be black. i am dishing in for latinos but they have not called me back yet so i have to wait. joe raises his feet as well as his son raises illegitimate children. [ applause ] >> what it do, joe? >> hey, hey, come on, i don't care about this stuffer. i will run against any of these guys. orange man, florida man bad, it does not matter to me. besides, all i do is go to the basement and they do all the rest. racism and white supremacy, that whole deal so i feel pretty good. i got to tell you something, i know it is friday, i don't know what month
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it is. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> kat, are you surprised the rumors that desantis is running? >> no, i think everybody is kind of expecting him to run. i think that the way he sort of handled trump so far has been super interesting because he just has not. trump will go after him and he does not address it, which if you try to get into a verbal battle with trump, you are probably going to lose because he'll get really mean and, you know, he's funny. like trump is funny and ron is like not doing it. i wonder what that would look like if it was between trump and ron and ron kind of refuse to let it be that way. >> yeah, that's definitely going to be interesting. do you think it is a problem? i hear it a lot. is desantis or
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trump? is it good if they compete and we'll get the best candidate? >> absolutely. i think it is going to be a really big field. interestingly enough as each additional person gets in, one may think well, president trump does not want all these competitors but there is a certain amount of base that's voting for him no matter what. the bigger the field gets, tim scott and mike pence and mike pompeo, if everybody gets in, i think it plays to president trump's advantage. i think having a good spirited, healthy debate process is fantastic. what's important is when it is done and there is a nominee. everyone needs to get behind th th ththat th th thth winner or joe biden going to get a second term. [ applause ] >> i am about to say, he's no dice clay, you can clap, it is all good. i can't believe you
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don't like dice clay. >> yeah, what? jack went up the hill. >> 250. >> that's not the joke. good enough. it is phenomenal. [ laughter ] >> do you think the bigger the field is more practice for president trump? we got a ton of nicknames and a lot of people got ruined. we are still looking for mr. jeb bush. >> so far his nickname have bebeen -- [ pfff] t bebeen -- [ pfff] t] ] >> the similar template for a mature gal, you will get a tummy-tuck and full waxing and
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ordered a whole fish net on amazon and you are divorcing and get ready to go -- [ applause ] >> it is the same thing. you are running for president, being an slut. [ applause ] >> right? >> truer words have never been spoken. >> i say that with deep admiration. [ laughter ] kennedy, last word to you. >> two things, married, married, quite contrary, trim your -- quite damn harry. >> two, i can not wait for my fish nets to get here. i am not running for president but i am glad i am doing a lot of -- in this spring. [ laughter ]
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>> your face. >> i keep trying different options. none of these fit. i hope the camera does not cut to me. >> it is time you know, baby. >> security is not here for them is to make sure you don't leave. [ laughter ] >> before we go -- come see me live, i will be in louisiana april 21st, and houston in 23rd. visit the link on my instagram for tickets. up next, you don't have to go to albania to beat on wrestle mania. [ applause ]
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> > [ applause ] > >> not cha-ching. the wub - yu think the nwa stands for national wrestling alliance but really it stands for no women allowed. [ applause ] >> sources say the wwe would work in an accounting firm to keep a scripted matches secret, so leaks of winners would not happen and betting would be fair. we reached out the mafia for comments but a spokesperson says they don't exist. wrestlers would not know who's going to win until right before the match to make the leaks even less likely, they would make sure not to store the secret's winner
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name in wuhan. which would not really work for me at the nwa because all i do is win. [ applause ] i mean, literally, i defeated more men than divorce. oh, wait -- anyway, some experts say this could lead to legalizing betting on other scripted things like character death or the kind of tv that chicks watch, you know, like jesse waters. [ laughter ] >> why do we hate him? >> going hard on jesse today. >> i know he looks like a used car sales man. >> you are a big wrestling fan, right? do you think betting on whwhat affectionately? do you
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think that's a good idea. >> no, i don't think it is a good idea. you should not be betting on a sports event. the freedom of making that decision to part with your hard-earned money, the idea of putting it on a rigged sporting event is something that i believe is throwing your money down. >> unless, if you get the leak. right, kennedy? >> that's what they're doing to do. almost, all wrestlers are meat heads and even if they get a 20 minutes heads up that they're going to win a match, they'll be texting their friends and family members and probably calling, who'll be placing bets on the match and winning? so, yes, there are enough of people who know about the outcome that it is not going to work in everyone's favor but it will work in their favor. if people
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are dumb enough to bet on fake wrestling then they should have that opportunity. it is like financial darwinism. [ laughter ] >> okay. could we not use the f-word, okay? the media's fake, wrestling simulating combat. >> it is as fake as meg ryan's orgasm. >> that was fake? >> oh. >> well, damn, dagan. >> i am getting out of the line of fired. >> let me ask you this. >> i don't want you to hit me in the nose. >> okay, kennedy is the biggest supporter of wrestlers there are. i don't know how many wrestlers she brought on the show. everyone's gone through
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kennedy's show. there is a long list of guys she supported. she's not dissing but just keeping it real. >> oh, so real. >> my mama and dada raised me right. i know to keep my gambling over here and my raffling over here. you keep them separated. i don't see how it would make any sense betting on matches, and it is organized athleticism. >> thank you. >> that's how i would describe it. i am having a hard time keeping these alligators down. >> all right. >> whoo! [ laughter ] >> kat, do you bet on anything? >> i bet every single day. we all do. that's what life is what? you make decisions and you are like this will be the one
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that'll be good for me and sometimes you lose. i take market risks every time i open my mouth, right? i say this, i am going to say this thing and it was a fine thing to say and sometimes it was not. it is risky everyday but with money, no, i don't bet. just with my life everyday when i wake up. [ laughter ] >> kind of the same thing -- yeah, i guess someone in half a dozen on another. you know what -- when you are with your buddies and you are keeping it under two bucks or something, i would not bet the farm on whether someone is going to win wrestling match or what. i would not do it with football or the nba, keep your money in your pocket. i got a new action figure coming out, the all american tyrus smash, i bet we can break the record we did last time. there, bet on that.
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>> up next! >> aw. [ applause ] >> >> >> up next, a pleasant l tune gone too soon. [ applause ]
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can a song be racist when a bunny is guitarist and not bases. disneyland has ditched its song because of the song of the south. none of us knew that. if you didn't know who dice clay was, you damn sure did not know who that was. [ laughter ] >> critics say the tune is
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racist. the song merely describes having a positive outlook and enjoying a beautiful day. yeah, racist. clearly thieves that have no place in the parks' new miserable woke after all. now, a peter pan song will not be heard in these place because like peter pan, these people will never be woken up. it is a matter of time before zipidy-doo-dog gets its own remake. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ welcome the woke world ♪ ♪ we like to say, screw you ♪ ♪ desantis and your bill ♪ ♪ don't say gay ♪ ♪ religion is for loser ♪ ♪ being white is a sin ♪
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♪ this whole country ♪ ♪ is full of racist ♪ ♪ it is the truth, it rhymes ♪ ♪ i read it in "the new york times" ♪ ♪ welcome to woke world ♪ ♪ why don't you stay ♪ ♪ we'll burn your city ♪ ♪ unless you obey ♪ [ applause ] >> ladies and gentlemen, you can't see it at home because we won't allow it in front of the camera but well-played! [ applause ] >> follow that, kat. [ laughter ] >> is this racist? >> this topic for this segment - the fact market risk i was talking about. i guess the idea of this movie which i have not seen because it was before adam sandler was born that it came out.
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>> right. >> apparently, the issue is that it paints a rosie picture of slavery. when people who are singing this song on the ride, they're not thinking about that. they're like i am having a great day. they're not thinking about slavery at all. >> just a guess. >> remember people in teacups. remember slaving day? >> exactly. >> i don't think that happens. let me ask you -- your parents also are not politicians but when you hear them talk about, the woke always seem like they would have been virtous in 1946. it is unrealistic. if we were born in 1930s and i saw that movie, i would have liked it - oh, i would have hated it >> there is nothing left for them to cancel. what's left is
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disney is going to cancel it itself. my whole life, i never heard anyone making any demand that is the song souled be canceled. i don't kno know -- basically, disney is trying to make this argument of high, moral clarity that they -- they just really have this looking down on the rest of us. this moral compass that's superior to everyone of their visitors. when you come it is supposed to be like happiest place on earth and now you are starting to feel bad for yourself as in disney itself is so dangerous. they picked a new ceo so they would roll this back. the new guy would come in and be like no, i am not actually canceling
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zip-pi-doo-daw. >> if they're going to cancel something, should they do something about donald duck not wearing pants? would that be a bigger issue. goofy and minnie dresses up. >> that's a big issue. >> they have been peddling to young girls for decade that this fantasy, when you grow up, all you need and what's dpoing to happen is you are going to wound up with a crown on your head and some himbo comes along and rescues you and you live happily ever after, [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] >> i can talk at lengths about songs of the south disney trying to bury its own atrocious history of this film. there was
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much pressure never to release this film from the naccp and other organizations before the early '40s. i can go on. disney rereleased this movie in tthe '70s and even 1980s some five times. it was released on video tape and dvd. they're trying to bury this. i say everybody gets so mad about this movie, i have actually seen this in the film when i was a little kid. i am old as sand, i have no memory left. i can say enough that if i sat here in front of you and ddid dddid -- if i said his lines, would get up and pop me in the face and i would get fired. with that being said, they should release it and let everybody see it. then we can have a cultural conversation about our history back then and where we are right now. but, instead disney is
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trying to literally white-wash what they have done over the last decades. that's where we are and by the way, zip-bi-doo-daw is a song about the south. it is not a great song. so, may not be whistling that song while walking down main street. >> that, i remember. are you cool with donald not wearings pants? >> first of all, donald took invented running man. i am not a fan. i don't think it is appropriate at a music festival. i don't think it is appropriate at a theme park when there are children running around. >> all right? >> did you just say winnie the pooh. >> he was shirt -- >> what was he again?
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>> [ bleep ] >> you know my girls, i got two teenage girls and we are going to southern california for spring break. i said do you want to go to disneyland because we had so many great memories when they were kids. they said no, we don't want to go. i started crying. you know why i started crying? out of relief so i don't have to pay that much to take them to the theme park. tickets are so expensive now. there is no way i can afford to take them to disneyland for the day. [ applause ] >> coming up, people are tight withwith
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[ laughter ] >> okay, [ bleep ], we got a panel. [ laughter ] >> a new study found that both men and women appreciate friends who were vicious towards their enemies. >> you need to study for that? someone so evil, so cruel that they're hated by almost everyone but the devil. like my best friend, shannon breen. >> no one's safe. even if the end cells are two southern for two people to understand them, it is okay, i would bless my own hear heart. [ applause ] >> if you don't know what bless my heart means, it is not a hug, okaokay? of course, all this c
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backfire if your favorite mean girl decides you are on the enemy list and starts using her power against you. it is also what we call every episode of "the view." [ applause ] >> you are an expert on mean girls, we'll go to you first. [ laughter ] >> i will bless my heart again, thank you. >> do you think -- do you like having a doverman in your group of friends. >> mean girls are the most popular but in many cases are the most disliked. depends on what your style is. you have this panel of experts here. they also know how to be likable. they know how to make you laugh and enjoy the conversation. there are other people who may be mean girls but
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they are unlikable and you don't want to be around them but they're not good people. some people by the way may be popular because they are attractive or because they're liked for other characteristics. i have a 16-year-old girl at home, i would not encourage my girls to grow up and want to be mean. it is important to have good values. i don't want them to be hit with a bless your heart because i didn't raise them right. >> yeah. >> to be fair, she only breaks that if you earn it, right, dagen? >> i bless myself so you don't have to. >> exactly. >> the floor is your, dag. >> >> allow>> all me to clear s up. they get this wrong. mean girls are hateful, filthy south.
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well, they're just mean. dirty. we are talking about faithful ferocious friends to the end. now, if you do kat wrong or kennedy wrong, i am there for a paverment against that truth. [ applause ] >> decades down the road, if i see some bitch in the parking lot of a kroger who -- did something to kat, she's got a bad knee, i am still ramming her and her stupid kia shopping cart. [ applause ] >> this is not mean girls - mean girls are just rich -- we are
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talking about friends. that's a difference. >> kennedy. [ applause ] >> i think you were the queen of mtv. >> do not tell julie brown that. >> we'll tell her, she's not here. you saw that. you saw that term, you were always cool on mtv. was that true with the mean girls thing? everyone knows that. everyone who had been to high school and everyone knows life is a continuation of high school. you think you are going rp to leave it behind in adolescence but you see the same architect over and over. i was never a mean girl, they said i was geek-sheik because i wore geeky pants. i have to say david mcdowell. if i had to call dagen in the middle of the night, god
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forbid, i am in trouble, i need you to dispoe a body. >> you know what she would say? leave it in the bathtub to drain it, i will be there in 45 minutes. >> me too, right? if i called you? >> i have a bag of lime many my apartment. >> speaking of mean girls, kat, didn't you write a book about mean girls? >> my book, you can't joke about that. it is available for wherever books are sold. it is not about mean girls but i am going to be very mean to one girl if it does not sell well and that would be about myself. i talk about how important intention is and how you are trying to make a joke and maybe if it does not land and people are upset. it is different if you are trying to be mean. our culture, we don't treat it differently. even if you are trying to make someone laugh. you still get canceled or
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shunned and abused if you are trying to be a jerk on purpose. that prevents us from being able to have the freedom and want to make each other laugh through tough times and i think we need to bring it back because it will bring us all closer together. >> there you go. [ applause ] >> sorry, dagen makes me nervous. >> we are cool, right? up next, they want motown before sun dowdow down.
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all the way. >> lee, did you see "trading places"? >> what? you have no idea of the joy -- >> i do know who dice clay is. >> i love the clay, not as much as i love the curtis. are you with that? >> sure, listen, if it sells. i remember on her earlier acceepi, you guys were big cold play fan. you guys may be watching coldplay at 10:30. >> jamie lee curtis pitched it? >> i would not watch coldplay if they came to my house. i would be like could you please move, you are blocking the tv. >> i would do it for jamie lee
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curtis just because of "trading places." >> you said "trading places" and even my mind was wondering. i remember. coldplay's best watch in "the pitch black of night" with a very dark pillow case over your head so nobody will recognize that you are at a coldplay show because you will no longer have friends or a job if you people have found out you actually paid to go see coldplay. >> i think this is funny, i love t tthe t tt idea of chris martin. oh, s there any way you can let me and the boys coming up. no, don't wet myself. oh, it is hard. [ laughter ] i just peed in my pants and now
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they're all yellow. [ applause ] >> you know -- >> i would. >> we call it brunt. p >> day drinking. >> and day concerting. >> day drinking is so nice. you can get better and have a productive day. > >> n>> now > >> n>> n -- >> we went to mini golf recently. >> this is a business. when all of a sudden everyone realized that their grandparents on facebook, they moved over to snapchat or instagram. when all the kids who actually paying all the money to go to these conc concer concerts, they're finding out the reasons for day concert because jamie lee curtis requesting a 2:00 p.m. concert.
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>> i am going to stop you right there.
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zeldin, daguen mcdowell. our studio audience, jean, tom, andre. building. in the meantime, here is "the five." ♪ ♪ >> jesse: hello, everybody jesse watters with katie pavlik, jessica tarlov, k live in any and greg gutfeld. it is 5:00 in new york city and this is "the five." >> i am innocent and i would never under any circumstances hurt my wife maggie and never under any circumstances hurt paul-pl.

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