made it onto the highway. at least they are staying in their lane. they are doing better than a lot of d.c. drivers, i can tell you that. [laughs] everyone's going to florida! that's it for us tonight. to forget, set your dvr. we want you always connected with us. remember, have fun with family and friends this weekend, and it is america, known forever. greg gutfeld and the gang, they take it all from here. [applause] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] >> greg: oh, yeah! [laughs] yeah. it doesn't end. all right. put your clothes back on. [laughter] happy friday, everybody.

as you know, it's friday, so that means we welcome the guests first, so let's do that. after every podcast, she dumps gatorade on her guests. host of the sideline saturday podcast, michele tafoya. [applause] he has the body of a model. buried in his basement. comedian jim florentine! [applause] like a hedgehog, she is prickly but lovable, and eats worms. fox news contributor, kat timpf! [applause] and, finally, bigfoot reports sightings of him. my massive sidekick in the n.w.a. world heavyweight champion, tyrus. [applause] now, before we get to some new stories, it's friday, so we are going to do this. ♪ ♪

>> announcer: greg's leftovers! mmm! >> greg: at left overs where i read the jokes we didn't use this week. as always is my first time reading them, and when they suck, i die a little every time. so here we go. a new study shows divorced or single, senior citizens are more likely to develop metairie loss the mic to make memory loss. as opposed to married women, who never forget anything. [laughter] yeah. old-timey humor. that's old timey humor. damn wife! a transgender cyclist won first place in the women's event this week. she claimed it made her feel just like lance armstrong, except she has two testicles. [audience grounds] science [laughs] >> hey-o! >> greg: all right. starbucks ceo howard schultz has

stepped down after a 40 one-year career with the company. it has a retirement party was given an engraved mug with his name spelled wrong. [laughter] former president donald trump is facing threat of arrest for allegedly paying hush money to porn star stormy daniels. his lawyers say it's on the first time she's ignored a gag order. [audience groans] "i don't get it!" anyway, a new study shows aircraft noise can cause heart damage, especially if what you hear is "welcome to spirit air." [laughter] so mean. video has surfaced of anthony fauci going anthony fauci going door-to-door in a d.c. neighborhood to talk people into getting the vaccine. he was also selling those little cookies he makes in his tree. [laughter]

yeah. finally found someone shorter than me. keith olbermann was spotted outside trump tower this week. i was in the area, so out of respect i let him squeeze you my. [laughter and applause] he really is, he's a homeless weirdo now. how mighty he has fallen. is that the phrase? who carries? schools in l.a. close this week due to the teacher strike. until teachers returned to work, this leaves thousands of students with no one to have sex with. [audience reacts] it's true! al franken hosted the daily show this week. there is no joke here. we just really hope he -- we hope he gets back on his feet soon. yeah. california saw more torrential rain this week. to stay afloat, hundreds of

angelenos were forced to latch themselves to a kardashian's ass. [laughter] according to new survey, dog owners a 36% of their conversations are about their pets. yeah, we know, said my entire staff. [laughter] [audience groans] yeah, you talk about that, too. an international team of scientists have created the first full map of the fly's brain, but they say the most difficult part of the procedure was folding the map. pfft! i actually really like that joke. [laughter] it's a really small map. finally, columbia columbia university -- i'm not drunk! this is what happens when i drink coffee before -- anyway.

columbia university released a video promoting hillary clinton's new foreign policy class. students say they are excited to take the course but are concerned she will keep deleting the emails. [laughter and applause] all right. before we get to some stories, let's quickly check in to see what's going on in florida. >> florida station of counties waves and opposition. floflorida state conference of naacp branches waives and opposition. anita dick -- [laughter] ways and opposition. holden hiscock, also an opponent, waives and opposition. [laughter] >> greg: god, i'm a sucker for that stuff. seems like a pretty normal meeting for me. let's move on. the tsa gets trippy when it

comes to bringing skippy. yep, it's an effort to ban your precious jar of peter pan. this week the tsa tweeted that peanut butter is, in fact, illiquid, and subject to the same security rules as all liquids. so, in other words, pack up, everyone. the terrorists have won. they cite the scientific definition of what the liquid actually is, something that has no definite shape and takes the contours dictated by its container. it's no wonder this lady now has to take the train. [laughter] but hey, when it comes to science, i divert to the guy who grabs my junk for a living. [laughter] this is big news, that peanut butter is a liquid. perhaps it is just a slow one. the brian kilmeade of liquids, if you will. [laughter] but i always thought it was a butter, because it's called peanut butter. it's not called peanut juice, or

peanut water. therefore, the tsa is wrong, but can you blame them? it's an agency under the watchful eye of this guy. [audience groans] a dude who literally looks like a peanut. [laughter] technically, with this definition, everything on earth is a fluid. our cells are fluid. by the way, who travels with peanut butter? pico welcome apparently -- >> greg: aside from jim norton, but go ahead. >> michele: i think it was a priest or someone who tweeted they got scepter they think of peanut butter. so you're thinking, why are you bringing that much peanut butter on a plane? toothpaste is also considered one of those things you have to put in a plastic bag. that is a paste. so i can see peanut butter being the same as a paste. they need to be procedures, i get all that. he was the practical thing. if i'm peter pan or skippy or jof right now, i am marketing travel size pic containers of

peanut butter. you can put them in the travel aisle, next to the peanut butter, i don't know. >> greg: that's what they want you to do. then they really won. >> michele: mashed potatoes are kind of similar to peanut butter, right? >> greg: they are talking about something that is neither liquid nor solid. like you said, perhaps a paste. >> kat: i saw this happen, though. >> greg: when? >> kat: the year was 2016. there was this woman wearing lululemon leggings who absolutely tore into her husband for putting the almond butter in the carry-on instead of checking it. >> greg: really? >> kat: she yelled at him, she called it "[bleep] unbelievable." i will never forget because they took it. this is how the government works. because she was mad at her husband when really she should be mad that there is no legitimate why you can't bring almond butter on the plane, or the fact the tsa costs us billions of dollars a year and multiple city surely miss up to

90% of the mock explosives and weapons they try to get through in trials. but that's how the government works, it gets us all yell at each other and there's a distraction from all of the abuses of power and tyranny going on. that's what allows it to continue. >> greg: there you go. so true, so true. [applause] >> kat: i also wonder if they're still married. [laughs] >> greg: they probably aren't. i would bring almond butter on flights but the night always leave it in the bathroom. >> kat: oh, god. [laughter] >> greg: it's a great moisturizer, jim! how you doing? >> jim: good. i actually agree with the tsa. if you think about it, if a man can be a woman, why can't peanut butter be a liquid? [[laughter] [laughter] but seriously, who is bringing peanut butter on a plane? are you using that for a snack? going to whip it out? >> greg: the guy has got a giant celery stick! >> jim: of never got set next

to a guy that goes, "hey, do you have any crackers?" some guy is bringing it on a vacation, you think his wife is going to be happy? "let's go to a local restaurant." he's like, "i brought the peanut butter, what are we going out for?" >> greg: "look how much money we saved! maybe delayed a set at a table while i eat this." >> jim: you not some point some is going to put a vest around the jar, it's their emotional support snack. [laughter] >> michele: oh, that's good! >> greg: i wonder, tyrus, do you think maybe they were aware of a threat involving peanut butter? >> tyrus: ab. "oh, my god, the planes going down, someone smeared peanut butter in the pilot's eyes! oh, no, it's everywhere! is on the windows! wait, never mind, we are good. we got rid of it. problem averted." here's the deal come human beings are wet, 80% water? i guess none of us will get

through. this is stupid. no water bottle. then i just walk through block. buy a water bottle. so again, what's the point of this? when i brought protein powder is made, they are like, "this is powder, you can't bring it through." i don't have any water, so i can't mix it. and then if it explodes, everybody loses weight. [laughter] focus on keeping us safe. >> michele: i heard, too, people like to smell the pot and they will stick it into the peanut butter and smuggle it. >> greg: that's a great idea. >> michele: i've heard that! >> jim: or they'll put it in their ass. [laughter] the drug dogs are going to love that. spewing he put a jar of peanut butter in your ass? >> michele: [laughs] >> greg: i'm willing to try! >> jim: like you haven't already. [laughs] >> michele: oh, my gosh. >> tyrus: we are all dumber

now. >> greg: i'm so glad we did this topic. >> tyrus: you've smeared us all. >> greg: yes! up next, libs put up a fight,st bashing parental rights. [applause]art ma for less than $5.00 a day, you can own you very own tracker off road or a brand-new tracker boat, motor and trailer package. the fastest growing off-road brand in america and the world's #1 one best selling fishing and pontoon boats are built by and sold factory direct at bass pro shops and other select dealers. plus, for a limited time receive a bass pro shops gift card worth $500 and more. escape into the great outdoors with tracker boats and atvs. oh, hey. buying a car from vroom is so easy, all you need is a phone and a finger. just go to vroom.com, scroll through thousands of cars. then, tap to buy. that's it. no sales speak. no wasted time. just, straight up great cars. right from your phone to your driveway. go to vroom.com and pick your favorite.

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♪ ♪ >> greg: they falsely accused parents of terror. so now will they admit they are disgusting error? you remember when if you open domestic terror probes of parents who criticized their children's school boards? any report from house republicans say they found zero evidence of legitimate threats. yeah, just like we knew all along. that's the biggest abuse of power since i ran my air conditioner while on vacation. so my body building trophies didn't get hot.

[laughter] so they pretended the kkk was running the pta. as a result command of the ten people in the fbi's ten most wanted list our parents. i kid, but they weren't when they decided to intimidate parents from being good parents. no surprise it was [bleep]. the oscars saw more violence than these witless school boards. meanwhile, house dems are going postal over the parental rights in education bill. proposed legislation includes the right for parents to voice their opinions on a children's education, the right to see what's being taught in class and with the school spending their money on. and the right to maintain a child's privacy and the right for uncle greg to borrow their schwinn on a moment's notice. but parents want to roll in the kids education. who do they think they are, parents? they should be imprisoned. let's see what the dems think. >> they want to ban books about history. ban books about the american

journey. ban books about the holocaust. ban books about slavery. speak of how disgraceful we want to terrorize the very people who love our children. >> bills like this make schools more hostile and, make no mistake, it results in hate, bigotry, and, yes, sometimes death. >> keep culture wars out of classrooms. i can say what my progressive value is, and that his freedom over fascism. [audience groans] disgraceful, hateful, fascist, death sentence. i haven't heard this much hyperbole since i was forced to describe my abs to a blind person. jim, you date students. [laughter] when you talk to their parents, it must be tough going for you, because they are generally of your stresses and how they have a man three times the age of their high school senior. >> jim: i tell them about the

s.a.t.s, and relax. if the parents are so concerned -- i got a 12-year-old. if they are so concerned, hopefully they'll be like me to students. i don't remember anything they taught me in school. nothing. the only thing i remember is watching girls to calais the next range in class. i remember that vividly. >> greg: [laughs] >> jim: there was a whole thing in my town because they wanted to teach curriculum this year for my son that men can get pregnant, so the whole board and the parents went crazy, but they gave an option to opt in or opt out, so all the parents opted out. i wrapped it in. i go, i want to know how this works. [laughter] i can't wait to get pregnant. >> greg: [laughs] you've got a 12-year-old son, so you are bearing the brunt of this stuff. >> jim: oh, it's all chaos. i want to show up with a fake pregnancy belly at the school. "i'm picking my son up early, i'm taking him to my lamaze class." [laughter] but they really are teaching

that. but you can opt out or in. so i opted in. "what did you do today, how does it work?" spewing he got to keep on top of it. >> tyrus: that's what got you in trouble in the first place. spewing you've got kids! >> tyrus: yeah. and half of them are homeschooled because of this [bleep]. [sigh] parents are terrorists because they want to know what's going on with their school. they used to be called good parenting. when you see the democrats talk -- when i feel passionately about something, i don't need notes. you know what i'm saying? your whole talking point, and parents alike, "we want to know what's going on in the curriculum," and your answer is, "i don't deal with fascism." needed to be. "you are racist." they spew talking points out. because they have no argument. it's obviously whatever school board is cutting the check for the fund-raisers and their campaigns, they should get their

money back. i paid you for that? fascism? that's what you came up with? they need these oppositional democrats are trying to make a legitimate argument. get one. that would be great. because we are no longer falling for it. i will be a domestic terrorist if that's what it is. so be it. i will wear that [bleep] as a badge of pride. i'll get a tattoo. "proud father and domestic terrorist, tyrus." [cheers and applause] >> greg: we always end up in this cul-de-sac. it's really about school choice. it's about having the option to get out of this coming to get away from these people. and i mean that, these administrators. >> kat: it should be your choice. let's be real, only the fbi is shocked that they didn't find that, just because a person criticize the school board, that they were actually plotting to blow up a teacher's house or something. they never thought that would be the case, which is the scariest thing about it. i think what they wanted to do

was, this is an in to investigate people, and maybe they can find something else. or as an intimidation tactic. it's the only thing that is scarier than someone saying, "we need to talk," is when it's the fbi saying that. >> greg: i'm not so sure. >> kat: i don't know, it depends. i think the fourth amendment is just so disrespected by the government these days. it's unfortunately one on a very long list of examples of that. spew and agree completely... [whispers] which one is that? [laughter] >> kat: unlawful search and seizure! >> greg: that's insane! what a violation of the fourth amendment! edit that part. michele, you know it's amazing about this? i that we are the only ones doing the story. it was everywhere, and now they find nothing and i bet you this is the only place the press is not going to touch this. >> michele: proof, there is nothing to see.

let's forget we said anything. but the point is, so spot on, the calling of the names, saying that people are going to die. that they go to now. "people will die if they don't get vaccinated! people will die if you pass that law! you're all going to die!" it's like, no! and they say banning books about the holocaust and about slavery? i mean, for god's sakes, i don't know where they're getting this stuff. but what they are trying to do is shout down everybody else. like you said, they don't have an argument. this is what i've done lately. i have this old podcast. you can download it wherever you get your podcasts. [laughter] and people come if they disagree with something, i tweet it. they say, "fine, groomer." that's the new insult. they'll call you a groomer. >> greg: you look great! on top of it! >> tyrus: not that kind of grooming. >> greg: that's what i said to the authorities. >> michele: then i'll tweet them back and say, "i'd like to have you as a guest on my podcast so we can discuss this

civilly." one guy took me up on and canceled at the last minute. wouldn't you know? they don't want to talk. >> greg: and that person was... joe biden. [laughter] >> tyrus: greg, they do have a point, though. somebody is going to die. if they say it enough and a parent dies somewhere, "i told you!" >> greg: god, this show is so good. up next and museum has collected product we rejected. [applause] with downy infusions,

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and for $20, chris wallace will give you a foot rub. [laughter] and for an extra $8 come he'll give you a cnn plus. >> kat: oh, god! [audience groans] >> greg: you know what that is, huh cannot hold the peanut butter. you know what? the place looks like a lot of fun. there's an entire wing dedicated to this guy. [laughter] it's a gallery that showcases failed products and services from around the world. stuff like coke 2, crystal pepsi, delorean's, google glass, and bic for her, which was just a pen. but it's sparkly colors. this is real. colgate brand beef lasagna. it sounds like a hit to me. i won't have to brush my teeth after! i already floss with their fettuccine. the website explains that the museum aims to stimulate

productive discussion about failure, and inspires us to take meaningful risks. and what better place to celebrate failure then in a city run by democrats? >> announcer: count it! >> kat: [laughs] [applause] >> greg: kat, this sounds like you might enjoy this museum. what's your favorite failure? any favorite failures that you would like to see in the museum? >> kat: uh... >> greg: isn't this inspirational? >> kat: it is inspirational. i'd like to go to the museum just to feel better. [laughter] >> greg: yes. usually it's the opposite. >> kat: no, that's why -- i have -- we have a lot of failures. you know, throughout my life. and they play in my head, you know? at night. so it would be great when i'm trying to go to sleep. you know. and i feel like museum, i might have some new ones, but at least mine were mostly private.

i mean, bic for her is amazing. that, to me, is my favorite. i want to see the commercial. i look for it, couldn't find it. >> greg: because girls need a different pen! their little hands! >> kat: "hey baby, having trouble writing words?" [laughter] "find it to be a bit too much for you?" >> greg: you know it's interesting? bic for her tells you something about biology. that goes neat happy little things to keep them doing while they do stuff, whereas guys, we will just take a pen. >> kat: said things keep me going. "do you want to go back to that, kat? no you don't! get up!" >> greg: tyrus, and a weird way, aren't all museums failure museums? you walk in and they've got, like, ruins. >> tyrus: extinct animals. >> greg: skeletons. they are dead. failure. [laughter] >> tyrus: listen, i'm a guy, i don't need a museum of failures. i have a conversation with my

wife. if you have an argument with a woman? all your failures come up! you don't need a museum for t that. just ask her, she'll tell you. disagree with her, she'll remind d of the last time you are wrong. >> greg: [laughs] >> tyrus: i think it's kind of mean, though. so i failed. me and my buddies got together, we decided to design a pen just for girls, thought it would be great. and we thought it was behind us. >> kat: [laughs] >> tyrus: i moved on with my life. humiliation, the bankruptcy. my other two creative friends killed themselves. i decided to keep going on, because there is no way someone's going to remember that [bleep], and now it's in the museum to make kat feel better! [laughter] >> kat: i do feel better. [applause] >> greg: michele, you being from the sports world, i wanted to ask you what your favorite

failure was. i assume you might say the wnba. >> tyrus: hey, that's women's fault, though! >> greg: it is, they're not going! you don't go watch the games. >> michele: it is still alive and kicking. i used to call play-by-play on the wnba with reggie miller. >> tyrus: and you are phenomenal. >> michele: thank you. >> greg: i love reggie miller. he's a good kid. i mean it! didn't he go to berkeley? >> michele: oh come he went to ucla. >> greg: oh, forget it then. [laughter] >> tyrus: he's a big fourth minute guy, you would like him. [laughter and applause] >> michele: that was outstanding. we should put that in the failure museum. >> tyrus: count it! >> michele: greg didn't know what the fourth minute was. he looked it up in the break. anyway, i like people's failures, like actual active failures. like michael jordan always said, i took 9,000 shots that didn't go in. but that maybe take the next one. or a bramley can. >> greg: talk about a shot,

huh? [audience groans] what? >> michele: too soon? thomas edison, all these people who failed and failed and failed before they succeeded. we could put joe biden in there although he is still failing. but that would work. >> greg: he fails upward. >> michele: and there would be the wing of failing upward. i like people's failures rather than product failures. i think those are more impactful. >> kat: i think mine were mostly believing people who said they love me. >> greg: aww. >> kat: imagine how i felt! [laughter] >> greg: jim, when you go to this museum? >> jim: enemy to go. i can talk to any millennial. [laughter] >> greg: [laughs] >> jim: there's already a museum of failure in brooklyn. this is the second one.

it's where the nets play at the barclay. [laughter] i'll go visit madonna's plastic surgery if i go. i'd like to see that. >> greg: [laughs] have you ever had a failure? what's your biggest failure of a joke? do you remember? >> jim: yeah, i had an audition to write for david letterman. they hired comics to fax in jokes at the time and they go, "give us a sample, give us your best joke." i thought it was the best joke, that i spied through so many girls windows, i thought about changing my name to tom." and i sent that in and i was like, "i'm going to get this writing job, this will be amazing. david letterman is suing to say this joke." >> greg: you know it's funny? people don't remember what tom means, do you? >> kat: peeping tom. i also know about the fourth amendment. [laughter] >> greg: isn't that weird connect because the fourth amendment starts assuming

peeping to your window? >> kat: no... >> greg: i think we solved the -- >> tyrus: i don't want to get us in trouble. it's peeping person now, right? >> kat: no, tom is a girl. [laughter] >> greg: coming up, don't ba bail, because it's your mail. [applause] i heard about the payroll tax refund that allowed us to keep the people that have been here taking care of us. learn more at getrefunds.com. ♪ this feels so right... ♪ adt systems now feature google products like the nest cam with floodlight, with intelligent alerts when a person or familiar face is detected. sam. sophie's not here tonight. so you have a home with no worries. brought to you by adt. ♪ i like to move it, move it ♪ ♪ you like to... move it ♪ we're reinventing our network. ♪ ♪

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they do this research in hanger 14. she writes -- kelli him on my best friend -- "what's the most amazing thing that happened to you on air?" i think it just happened to me. [laughter] kat? >> kat: i don't want to talk about it! because i read about in my book, and it was really bad. it's still a thing. i tried to think of something else beside the really bad when paired look at me, look what i'm doing with my hands. i'm reliving it. >> greg: do i know what this is? >> kat: gave me my book to ours ago, do not read it yet? >> greg: did you fart? remember when you farted? [laughter] >> kat: that was off the air! but that's whatever. i'll talk about that all day long. that's the thing, i told that story on purpose. i didn't need to share that on the air. >> greg: that's true. >> kat: but i felt like i needed to because i'm sure it happens all the time. >> greg: this is a tease for

your new book. if you want to hear about the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to kat on television, just go on amazon and order it. tyrus, what was your most embarrassing? >> tyrus: [sigh] it's in my head, so i can't let it go. i didn't know joe mackey was a man. >> greg: really? >> tyrus: she was talking and saying stuff and i was like, "this lady is really funny." and then -- [laughter] >> kat: is this true? >> tyrus: i thought he was like pat from "saturday night live"! i kept guessing! i was like, i'm not sure. the short hair, maybe she's a feminist, i don't know. >> greg: he is unique. >> tyrus: i love joe mackey. >> greg: how can you not love joe mackey? [applause] anything embarrassing? something must've happened in the locker room, right? sum he drops a towel? a mistake it for a shower hook? [laughter] happened to me once.

>> tyrus: this is in greg's fantasies. >> michele: here we go, another wing of the failure museum. my first locker room ever come a houston rockets. i walked in and i walked right up, he's buck naked. the guy next to him goes, could you at least give them a chance to get dressed? i said sure and i turned around and waited and i'm staring at the ground. i'm staring at the ground and he finally said, okay, you can turn around. but his eyes were so huge. at that point i made a rule. eyebrows, stare at the eyebrows, no matter where you go, only look at the eyebrows. because you'd want to see anything below that. >> greg: what if you have eyebrows above your penis? [laughter] >> michele: that's fair game, then! >> tyrus: having a good time. >> greg: [laughs] jimmy kimmel with the most embarrassing thing that happened to you on tv? >> jim: i use to host " that middle show," a heavy metal

talk show. we had geddy lee from rush on. they rarely depress back in the day, and they had a new album out. i said, "i like the new album, clockwork orange is." it was called, "clockwork orange." he's like, the big what you like it so much you don't know the name of the album?" and after the commercial he came back and went with it the rest of the show. i felt so embarrassed. because i didn't really like the album, either. i was just kissing his ass. [laughter] it wasn't that good but i called it "clockwork oranges." >> greg: do have time for one more? i think we do. shirley, chart, and lewis. three names. >> jim: she sounds hot. >> greg: send a picture, shirley. jim is interested. "when have you been the most frightened and how did it turn out? not counting when you're big toe got caught in kudlow's hot tub jet." it wasn't his hot tub jet, but

you're close. when were you most frightened? >> michele: you coming to me first? >> greg: because i came to you -- >> michele: i was living in an efficiency in washington, d.c., after college and there was a massive bug in the corner, and i ran to a phone booth. do y'all know what a phone booth is? i ran to a phone booth and i called my then boyfriend in berkeley, california, and i said, "there's a huge bug in my room!" and i couldn't get back in. >> greg: oh, man. bugs escape. >> michele: and a like bugs. big legs. >> greg: we must scare bugs, though. >> michele: some of them don't look too scared. they look like they want to just jump you. that's what scares me. >> greg: jam? >> jim: i had this crummy apartment and one night there were two different mice that ran on my body while i was sleeping. i woke up and i felt something. i'm like, what was that? and i look and they are running across my chest. >> greg: oh, my god. you had body mice.

[laughter] >> tyrus: all you needed was some peanut butter! >> greg: [laughs] if that's not a new yorker cartoon. "it looks like you have body mice!" tyrus? >> tyrus: 2011 is when i've been the most afraid. i had to phone calls saying -- from two different women, saying they were pregnant, and my phone ring a third time. [laughter] >> greg: i know what happened. >> tyrus: i got three. >> greg: [laughs] that's amazing. >> jim: it's a hat trick. >> tyrus: in the sports world, it's a good time. >> greg: [laughs] kat? >> kat: yeah, so a couple of them are in my book that i won't talk about. >> greg: you know what you are? you like that dude! >> kat: you know what i'm talking about, but a few more and definitely taking to my grave. i would say maybe tie between what i thought my cat was missing but he was actually

under my bed for two days and didn't even speefifteen. not good survival skills. and then bed bugs, when i thought i had bed bugs and then i did. >> michele: bugs! >> kat: you're telling me. >> greg: when i was in bed in my apartment in allentown and i heard this noise above my head, and it was a bat, flying above. >> kat: ew! >> greg: is flying really lobe of my head. >> kat: that's so cool! >> greg: my landlord came in and he had, like, a quaker oats container duct taped to a broom. [laughter] >> michele: such a great picture! >> greg: bob smith, great guy. he came in and put it up there and the bat just went in and he just walked out. he didn't say anything! i said, "there's a bat in my room!" i said, "i'll be up there." >> michele: that could have used that in d.c. for the bugs. >> greg: i felt bad for the

bat, but hey. i don't know what to say now. [laughter] up next, does unwanted noise make you lose your poise? [applause] ed. you're just gonna stand there? or are ya gonna take your lawn back. we're gonna take it back. we're gonna take it back. with scotts turf builder triple action! it gets three jobs done at once - kills weeds. prevents crabgrass. and keeps your lawn growing strong. glorious! -agggghhhhhh! -aaagghhhh. no no no. get a bag of scotts triple action today, it's guaranteed. feed your lawn. feed it.

this is eargo and they're virtually invisible. they automatically enhance your hearing wherever you are. ours comes with buttons on the back so you can fiddle around to your heart's content. like the eighties all over again. cool, right?

>> a story in five words. ♪ ♪ >> greg: five words, common noises make you pissed.

jim, a study shows that one in five -- that's 20%, kat -- says misophonia is being annoyed by sounds like sleeping or sniffling. jenny sounds make you feel annoyed? >> jim: misophonia? i thought that's when you make a call and you can't find your phone. that's just being in relationship. of course you're getting annoyed. i have a go for and after four months, any noise she makes is cute to me now. check back in six months. when i broke up with her because i don't like the sound of her eating an apple. i'm like, sorry, you got to go. i don't want to live with a horse. [laughter] spew on the first week everything's great, six months coming on "forensic files." [laughter] how about you, michele? >> michele: i can remember a friend of mine who chewed so brutally loud at the table, it was disgusting, and i finally

had to say something after like eight years. >> greg: wow! >> michele: but i read this study and it said the average age of people who have this misophonia, which i thought it was a phobia of mice running on your body during the night -- it's not. [laughter] the average age is 43. by the time you're 43, you are pissed off at everything, aren't you? >> greg: that is so true, kat. when you are young -- if you can remember that that he put up with anything! loud neighbors don't bother you because you are the loud neighbor. >> kat: my husband sent me this article and he was like, "you have this." i'm like, "yeah, i'm the problem, not you are achieving." ideal, and i turned to a jerk, but apparently i'm not a jerk, it's just a disorder and it's not my fault. >> michele: there you go. [laughter] >> kat: when i cringe, he is being ableist by being upset by that! when he said it was mean of me to say i want to buy a house with a soundproof room for you to eat in.

[laughter] that was just my disability talking! >> michele: exactly. >> tyrus: that just goes back to support my whole failure museum thing. >> greg: i wonder how deaf people feel that this complaint. it's like complaining to a blind person that you are sensitive to sunlight. [silence] all right, that didn't -- >> tyrus: does the sound of breathing count? >> greg: yes. >> tyrus: than i've got it. >> greg: [laughs] >> tyrus: whenever she's within a foot of may, i can hear you breathing. because then i know the conversation is going to start, it's going be very one-sided. a lot of complaining. and it's going to cost me money. and then i'm going to get quizzed because i didn't listen, and then i'm back in the failure museum. [laughter] >> greg: and there you go. but this show is no failure

museum, it's a fun house. don't go away. we'll be right back. [applause]

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we are out of time. our awesome studio audience. [applause] fox news at night with dreamy trace gallagher. i am greg gutfeld and i -- i love you. [applause] good evening and welcome to america's late news. fox news at night. i am trace gallagher in los angeles. and breaking tonight, a massive storm system now rolling across the south spotting a major tornado that left in 80-mile long path of destruction in parts of central mississippi. the town near louisiana border taking the worse of it. reportedly with major tornado damage. now, we have confirmed touchdown and injuries reported further east in silver city. tornad