and certainly this one, to see the moment in time in which we exist in our present. and to be able to contextualize it, to understand where we exist in the history and in the moment as it relates not only to the past but the future. >> laura: gutfeld! is next. ♪ [cheers and applause] >> greg: what is happening? keep going. happy tuesday, ever. we're only about 80 tuesdays away from the next presidential election. so what a coincidence that an 80-year-old officially announced

he's running today. an ambitious mo from a man so old he shouldn't buy green bananas. [laughter] >> greg: still joe biden made his formal announcement and you could tell because he had a cumber bun. but i wonder is personal freedom fundamental to who we are as americans and there is nothing more important. >> personal freedom is fundamental to who we are as americans. there is nothing month important, nothing more sacred. that's been the work of my first term, to fight for democracy. >> greg: around the country aren't maga lining up. while cutting taxes from the

wealthy, dictating what healthcare decisions women with make. banning books and telling people who they can love, all making it more difficult for you to be able to vote. >> greg: i call that poppycock but that's what hunter calls his penis. [laughter] >> greg: but it is amazing that biden even slurs his words in recordings that are made with heavy editing. even john fetterman is like dude, get that man to a doctor. >> greg: a real doctor. it's more of the same, like four years ago, when we said we were going do battle for the soul of ame america. >> greg: are we still doing that >> when i ran for president, i

said we were in a battle for the soul of america. the question is, do we have more freedom or less freedom, more rights or fewer? >> greg: to quote sam, after stealing your mom's luggage, let's unpack that. he was elected four years ago and we're still battling for the soul of america. we're still losing freedoms. and that's your selling point? that your president promising that you unify the country, and instead it got worse. it's like the movie groundhog day except biden never sees his shadow because he's asleep by 4:00 p.m. so once again he revs up the never trump campaign engine like a corvette parked on a pile of classified documents. just because the vote for me and not the other guy angle worked last time doesn't mean it will again because now he's the other guy, too. he has a track record, and it's uglier than joe bayhart trying on brian's underpants. yes, think about that, huh? no wonder his numbers suck.

70% of americans don't want him to run. there are doubts amongst his own party. he'll be 86 by the end of his second term. a man that age should retire and spend time with the grandkids. at least the ones he acknowledges. [laughter] >> greg: the fact is jimi hendrix will be 86 at the end of biden's term and he's aging better. [laughter] >> greg: but back to joe's video where the only thing grainier than the footage was the aderrol that they put into his pudding. >> this is not a time to be x-rays it. that's why i'm running for re-election. and this is our moment. if you're with me -- joe biden d.c. knocking. let's finish this job. i know we can. >> greg: let's finish the job.

that's usually what a villain says before they kill the family. it's one of the worst slogans i've heard since bud light switched to the king of beers. what does it mean so far when doing his job brought us hyper inflation, never ending illegal great lakes, an explosion of fentanyl overdoses and rampant crime. you couldn't come up with a better plan to destroy america. he didn't even mention kamala. maybe he forgot her name. or he sees a half jamaican woman and thinks, oh, she's his home health aid. i know, racist, right? seriously, he gave her a lower profile than dan perino in a corn field. so i guess, it left kamala no choice but to drop an announcement video of her own.

>> i'm actually running for president, too, and i would be honored to be your commander-in-chief because what this country needs right now is for our chiefdom to be demanded. [laughter] >> policies and border control to galvanize more and more school buses. i'll continue to build back better. better, bigger and faster than we've ever built back bigger and better before. we are america. we are united. and without joe biden on this ticket, we are less handicapped. [laughter] [applause] >> greg: pretty accurate to me. but joe needs all the help he can get but don't take my word for it. take it from this guy. you know, i wonder if you took the five worst presidents in history, would joe be worst than all of them? >> you could take the five worst presidents in american history,

and put them together, and they would not have done the damage joe biden has done to our nation in just a few short years. >> greg: wow! is it not even close? >> not even close. >> greg: let's welcome tonight's guests. his greatest contribution to mankind, getting don lemon fired. 2024 presidential campaign -- [inaudible] [applause] not so fast. she uses anti-skid lip gloss. the fox true podcast -- he gets startled by unfamiliar noises. like applause. comedian joe mackey. >> greg: and audiences treat him like family. by walking out on him.

actor/writer/comedian jamie -- [applause] >> greg: so, it's good to see you. political experts actually say that joe has a better chance of winning than you getting back with your wife. >> wow! that's surprising. >> greg: what did you think of the video? >> first of all, i feel like he only said one word the whole video. it was like a long one. >> greg: yes. i felt like the whole thing was -- just one thing, i could not follow along. let's finish the job. if i hear that one more time after sex -- [laughter] >> i don't know, he's too old. i heard he was at the doctor recently and the doctor told him, he had nine months to live. and joe was like am i sick? and the doctor was like, no, that's just how life expectancy

works. [laughter] >> greg: that was good. terrible. >> when you first hear the story do you not go, like i think we all want to reach a point in our lives where we rest and spend time with family. why wouldn't he want to spend time with his kids. oh, hunter is his kid. >> greg: and he's got a stripper baby grandchild. >> that's right. >> greg: what did you make of the add? it's interesting he seems to make, again, the enemy of the people the people. it's not about china or fentanyl, it's about half of america. >> the theme of the ad, it has a farce at the heart of it that joe bide isn't running for. . he's not running for. . it just looks like he is. it the managerial class in this country that's put out this little puppet called joe biden running for president and that makes sense of his cognitive

deficits. that's not a bug to them. that's a feature because that allows the puppet master to control it. this elder abuse, it's the cost of doing business, and the dnc is protected them, by the way. they are not doing debates. they won't let anybody challenge a supposed human being and leader that we have in the white house. a big part of the reason why is it's not even him. it's the wizards of oz. a projection. >> greg: he's an empty vessel, emily, if that's your real name. >> greg: no mention of kamala, that was weird. maybe they just didn't have time. >> he probably doesn't know who his vice president is. i have to say the most concerning to thing about it, i literally asked myself the question, is this a repeat? when i saw it, are we repeating two years ago his campaign ads? for someone who campaigned on

being the unifier and chief to show as the extremist on his campaign ad, other elected first-degrees, current serving fishes, and he was the one who was to ignite us. i remember the majority of the people in the ad are african-american, and i remember him saying if you're not black you dont's vote for me. and he's still trying to pander to this narrative, this elite class -- what's wrong with the american flag, standing up for faith. he asks whether or not we want freedoms? he's taken it all away. he's bloated our government. he's diminished the value of the dollar. there was zero specificity in the ad because he's accomplished nothing. he's been resting. he's done nothing in his 50 years of service so i look forward to once a gop candidate gets into office, restoring my rights and my freedoms

[applause] >> i can't go after -- i tell you what, greg, when i heard that recording it sounded to me like something that would be a recording when someone is recording a will. it's like i don't have much time left and they brought a phone to his hospital bed and got me to do this on a number of takes. i imagine there were a number of takes to make that recording. it wasn't even good. but at least when you have multiple takes he doesn't do that thing which i saw him do again today where he starts one sentence and then he pauses in the middle and finish as completely different sentence. >> greg: i love that. >> it's like a maroon five song, pop music at the start and then suddenly rap starts playing except this time it's destroying america. [laughter] [applause] >> greg: all right. we've got to move on.

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♪ >> greg: if companies had their druthers, we would never mention mothers. it's time for -- ♪ >> they are doing what with mother's day? come on. is this even real? sponsored by -- toothpaste. >> greg: what? i should really look at these before the show starts. the arizona informer, whatever

that is, tweets that several corporations are allowing customers to opt out of receiving any correspondence having to do with mother's day. among the companies doing this is door dash, kay jewelers and levi's. they claim mother's day can be triggering for some, which is a thing they would never say about any other day, even to people who get ignored on father's day, right? ironically, ironically, even ancestry.com said mother's day may be a tough time, i guess, if you find out your parents were cousins. and then bye-bye baby says mother's day for some can be a really hard day and that's from the baby furniture store. that's where i got my last bedroom set. we reached out to the companies for comment. we only heard back from ancestry who said mother's day can be difficult if you've lost a loved one but there is another explanation, we must be

sensitive to those who had difficulty conceiving, and since when do companies allow you to opt out of things that bother you? employees are usually inundated with special days, months, and awareness weeks. i lost an uncle on black friday but i still shop at best buy. walked right over him. it's weird. that mother's day, however, is the only one that's deemed problematic. but by this logic, any holiday could be triggering for some people so here's the solution, companies. why don't you stop with all the emails about days and weeks and months because you're picking and choosing what matters and what's hurtful and what demands attention based on activism. at least anheuser-busch has the right idea for mother's day. they are sending moms a coupon for a free prostate exam. [laughter] >> greg: ahead of the curve on. this you wrote a book on woke

corporations. is there some logic? my mom died nine years ago but that doesn't mean mother's day can't go on. i think part of it, some of this is the trans-stuff. if you can't define a woman, you can't define a mother's day. cancel mother's day, but on a serious note what are they going to say? because somebody had a miscarriage or a mother that died. our first child we lost in a miscarriage, and we end up having -- we thought we were going to have another miscarriage and we had him. that's a difficult period to go through but we can't be in this permanent safe space and we have this culture that we've created, corporate america coddling their workers thinking the world is a safe space. it's not. we have to embrace reality and mother's day, things you celebrate, that's what gets you through those difficulties. we've got to remember that again. >> it's true, joe, when you hear about trigger warnings, when -- like in a law school, we're

going to do cases of assault or sexual assault, and we have to do a trigger warning. you have to deal with this. >> yes. it's not all about you. i'm being sued by 13 mothers over paternity right now and i don't -- ask anybody to not acknowledge the holiday for them. plus it's an email, we're triggered by emails. i have the emails i get from corporations sent to the same place that my hr emails go, my spam folder. >> greg: yes. have you tried to block that stuff. they can't blocked? >> they don't let you block it. >> they won't let you block stuff from your own company. so now, emily, it's seems that mother's day is now another controversy that we have to pick apart. >> a controversy created by the woke left. it's a controversy over nothing. it's a shell game while serious things are actually impacting this nation. here we have to pay attention to this. i think it's so emblematic

because in true fashion, like they miss the whole point of triggering, so it's not that they are just not addressing it or cancelling mother's day, they are sending an initial email before the holidays saying if you want to opt out of mother's day because mother's day is triggering for you and it's hard to talk about you can opt out of mother's day in this email talking about mother's day. it's an absolute aberration, nonsensical display of missing the points, if it troubles you on mother's day, any connotation is difficult. >> greg: the opt out email is worse. >> exactly. >> greg: would you like to opt out the way your mother did when she died? >> exactly. it's ridiculous. >> greg: that's so funny. you know, jamie, you often like drive around the restaurant where your family is celebrating mother's day, just drive around. wondering, like, what course are they on? yep, what's going on in there.

one of these days, i want to get in there. by the way, we do celebrate father's day. they still have my number two dad mug. [laughter] >> greg: this list is bizarre, too, of the places, you can get a discount for mother's day. who is saying to their mom, happy mother's day, here's your arby's door dash meal. here's your -- isn't that kind of a weird thing? and, i wish, i do like, i'm a big fan of opting out. sometimes i wake up and opt out of all of these emails. i wish you could opt out like in regular life. i've tried this, i'm working on something, the other day my cousin sent me a picture of his new baby and i just sent back, unsubscribe. >> greg: does that feel good, writing unsubscribe to anything, and the more heartfelt it is from the other side, the better feeling it is. to say unsubscribe.

>> it's great. i love doing unsubscribe, just because you know how gigs are for comedy. my reply says i'll take it. [laughter] >> greg: how soon before mulvaney has her own mother's day card? >> you know what's funny about ancestry.com, in case you're infertile or whatever but they also omit the biggest thing about ancestry.com which is finding out that their parents aren't who they said they are. that's probably the biggest -- >> happy mother's day. >> exactly. >> greg: we've got to move on, why space travel requires controlling your desires. [applause]

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that's it. miracle-gro. all you need to know to grow. [applause] >> greg: stop. stop. stop. can you indulge your depravity in zero gravity? experts from nasa say no to

getting some assa. according to experts, those are my favorite, space tourists will have to sign legal waivers banning them from having sex in space. apparently there are just some things you don't want floating around you. [laughter] >> greg: the problem arises from unanswered biological and legal questions that come with interstellar intercourse, mainly the harmful effects of radiation on embryos after conception. they could be super babies. it reminds me of that time i had a time share near three-mile island. i left a glowing review on yelp. [laughter] >> greg: little word play there. but in other words, a child conceived in space could suffer from unknown problems, and on a space station it's much harder to sneak out the next morning with your shoes in your hands. all of which could lead to litigation against the organizations that are hosting

the flight. so experts have made a series of recommendations for the space tourism industry. one of them is to supply passengers with graphic visuals to reduce arousal. [laughter] >> greg: so, joe, i mean, let's face it, you don't have sex on earth so maybe going to space can't hurt but they are going to make it illegal for you to have sex in space so therefore, you'll be sexless in space as well. no hope for you, really, except to just throw yourself off a cliff. that's defamation right there, gutfeld!, and i tell you what, it will be pretty tough to talk me out of the spacesuit when i can dunk from the three-point line in zero gravity but i'll say this for intercourse many space i'll need the same things i need on earth. >> greg: what? >> a centrifuge, a geiger counter and a wedding ring, greg. i'm just kidding.

marriages are void in space. they don't matter. >> greg: they don't matter? really. like international waters. international waters. that's what we used to call jesse. look, it's international waters, i got my caller up. emily, you're a lawyer, you claim to be a lawyer, i haven't seen any proof of that, but can you really get sued if people have sex in space? come on, how are they liable for that? in fact, could you have sex in a cab and give birth to a demon. [laughter] >> greg: that's called evidence. learn it, america. where am i? >> this whole thing is so clear, when you just ask who is asking the question, right? >> greg: right. >> like professors of astro biology quoted in the article, these questions need to be urgently addressed, guys. obviously none of them get laid and they are just looking for an excuse. we have to go and test this out,

everyone. send mo up. that's all we need to know. >> greg: how ironic they are astro biologists who get no ass. >> exactly. >> greg: yes. you don't want to hear that crap on "outnumbered." >> the argument was, if you conceive in space and it somehow has a type of degenerative effect or poor conditions you can then sue the carrier so it's essentially saying don't have sex in space because then it will prevent the potential for a baby but, to me, i would think you assume the same risks if not more conceiving in new york city. >> greg: amen. jamie, i hear in space, no one can hear you bomb. shut up, audience. >> do we really need a waiver to tell people not have to sex. couldn't we just send up married

couples? [applause] >> i just read a stat that a hundred percent of marriages end in divorce if it's me. i was going to say, i don't like the whole dynamic this is setting up. isn't it weird that they are going to be like 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1. no one blast off. i want that to catch on as a word. >> greg: i don't think it will. >> do we need these horny -- walking around, i feel like it's a bunch of loaded guns walking around up there. [laughter] >> seriously. what were you going to say? i'm sorry. >> greg: i always have good tips for us. >> i do, i came in early and got a message for everyone. >> greg: good. ♪ >> lessons, tips from a divorced dad. >> your time plus your knowledge

equals a child's future. so do the math. that's not worth it. ♪ >> greg: this is not going to help you in the court hearings. [laughter] >> greg: last word to you, and it rhymes with cake. >> appreciate that. >> greg: welcome. i was saying it wrong this last year. >> i'm glad it sank in. appreciate that. i'll tell you this, this is one of those situations where you ask not for permission but for forgiveness. what are they going to do? the damages -- seriously, are they not going to bring you back to earth? that would not be very good pr so clean up the space capsule, but if you're going to be paid millions of dollars to go up there you can handle the cleaning fee. >> why is mutations seen as bad thing, joe? right? i mean, we look at our super heroes and they are all the product of mutation.

i mean, what if you conceive a child in zero gravity and good birth to children who can float around like birthday balloons? right? >> what if the general is having sex in the void he's imprisoned in? and like, i don't understand how you're going to -- no one has ever broken a contract about sex before, right? the other thing that's weird is like, you're going to sue the transportation company. none of my lovers have sued greyhound? [laughter] >> greg: speaking of hound -- coming up, you can't talk crap when my dog is in your lap. [applause] steroid-free allergy relief that starts working in 30 minutes, while other allergy sprays take hours. now with astepro fast allergy relief, [ spray, spray ] you can astepro and go. [tap tap] my secret to beating sniff checks? secret dry spray.

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intellect. his back story. but even more, it boils down to one thing. does my dog like him? which means it's time for -- ♪ >> if you want to get to pennsylvania avenue you've got to give this dog his due. this is the gus test. >> greg: yep. starting now i'm challenging anyone running for president to come on this show and let me interview them while they hold my dog gus, so let's bring him out. [cheers and applause] ♪ >> greg: yes, hold on to him. there you go. there you go. he wants so badly to get away from you. this is not a good sign. this is not a good sign. oh, he wants jamie to be

president. he wants jamie -- >> not me neither. he wants greg. >> greg: what's wrong, little guy? >> oh. run for president. >> here you go. >> greg: last week you were interviewed by cnn's knuckle head and chief don lemon and now the "new york times" says that interview led to lemon being fired. let's watch that tape. >> there are lessons that we learned. >> i disagree with you on that, don. i think you're doing a disservice to our country by failing to recognize the fact -- >> you live in this country, then you can disagree with me. >> here's where you and i have a different point of view. i think we should be able to express our view regardless of the color of your skin without me regarding you as a black man but as a fellow citizen. >> whatever ethnicity you are explaining to me what it's like to be black. >> whatever ethnicity, i'm an

india american. >> he took that so personally and then he got fired. [applause] >> give him some lemons and he can make some lemonade. >> greg: you got your silly joke in. jamie, give him back over there. come on, gus. come on, gus, let's get over here. there you go. what do you think about, what's your plan when you debate trump? >> look, i'm just going to call it like it is. give him a chance to do what he was going to do. i'll let gus out on the stage. and, you know, i'm going to give him credit for what he did. he took the country, america first agenda, as far as he was going to take it. we're going to take it to the next level, and what i tell people, greg, america first doesn't belong to donald trump.

it doesn't belong to me. it belongs to the people of this country, actually. [applause] >> nobody owns -- >> greg: what would you do about crime when it's such a city problem and no one has really done anything? snacks for him? >> oh, he found him. he found the snacks. >> you have to hide the snacks around your body. >> here's the funny thing is, my wife and i have a deal, to be honest, i'm not the dog person, she wants to get a dog, i vetoed it but she said if you make me move to washington, d.c. and the white house, we're getting a dog so i think we're going to get a dog. >> greg: there are a lot of dogs in d.c., you know what i'm saying? some of them in the white house, am i right? what do you think is the biggest problem facing america? >> i think we're in the middle of a national identity crisis. most people my age, really, any age, what it means to be american today, you get a blank stare in response.

>> greg: yes. that's a problem. they have replaced patriotism with identity. everybody is into who or what they are and not what they belong to. >> race, gender, sexuality and climate. i think we can revive the individual, family, the nation, god, four letter words you're not supposed to say. it's become a four-letter word. >> greg: with two d's. there he goes. you're not going to have a chance with gus. >> gus is restless here, i like it. he has energy. >> greg: i hope he don't get electrocuted. that will be three dogs in one month. how would you deal with the fentanyl crosses? >> i think we shouldn't apologize for this. we have a problem on the southern border. china manufactured fentanyl, from wuhan, coming all the way over here. i would put the military on the

border and i would use the military to annihilate the drug cartels. >> greg: we have done that with terrorists and terrorists kind of things. >> if we can do it over there we can do it to the drug cartels south of our own border groochlt grow gus, what do you think? is that the solution for our drug problem? >> we'll threat dogs out. >> greg: nicely done. what about immigration. you know you see mayor adams suddenly sounding like donald trump now that he has to come face-to-face with being a sanctuary city. what would you do? >> use our military to secure our own border. if we can use to it secure somebody else's border halfway around the world we can use it to secure our own southern border. it's not just building the wall. it's securing the wall with our actual military and that's -- with trump on the debate stage, that's what i would say, great idea, let's take it one step further and get the job done, which we can do if we're doing it based on first principles and

moral authority. not just vengeance and grievance. that's why i want to go further with the america first. >> greg: can you elaborate on america first principles. i hear that and pretend i know what it means. depravity. >> the basic ideas that set the nation into motion. merit is a principle. free speech is a principle. rule of law, we were about to talk arguments basic principle. the idea, we're talking about this with biden. the people we elect to run the government ought to be the ones who actually run the government, not this managerial bureaucracy that runs the show. those are basic american principles. the last president we had that tied his policies to actual principle, the y, was ronald reagan. we've missed that in this country for a long time. i'm the first millennial actually running for u.s. president ever as a republican and i'm doing it as a member of my generation, i'm tying this to the y for the next generation. >> that's amazing because it's almost like the millennials just got skipped on everything. they kind of got screwed. joe, are you a millennial?

>> generation x but we didn't do much better. >> and biden is over twice my age. but it's not an age thing. it's an ability to channel this to the young people in the country. >> greg: gus is giving you -- gus what do you think? any questions? you think he's good? all right. go away. thank you for that good sport. that was fun. that was fun. [applause] >> he was great. >> greg: our inaugural dog segment. all right, up next, using your phone on the toilet? then you might want to boil it. 6

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fecal cells. 100 percent. and chances of contaminating your phone, emily, increase when you flush. so should you stop flushing? [laughter] >> i reject everything that you just said. first, and also, they found cockroach feces also on all the phones. here's my point everything, before we all freak out. know the subjects. what thousand people did they pull? >> greg: yes. >> they were in the uk, maybe in prison, maybe in a fraternity, whatever it was, because, i'm sorry, if you swiped my phone there is no fecal matter on it. i don't take it to the bathroom with me. i don't flush with a lid open. >> you don't flush with the lid open? >> who does? >> it's kind of fun to see it all go away. >> it's like, you know, it's

science. >> greg: trust the science. >> no, i feel like everybody in the study was disgusting. >> greg: i don't think they have cell phones in prison, emily. joe, any thoughts? >> greg, my phone and i don't have any secrets and that's not all because of google but i'll say this. you see these stories everywhere about, oh, there is poop bacteria on the fountains, the dispensers, and i tell you what, it's not good for you but what's worst than the poop is worrying about all the poop bacteria. you've just got to accept there is poop everywhere. we're living in a world of poop. >> greg: you know what? you just cover yourself with poop and you don't have to worry. >> better yet, a poop vaccine. >> greg: a poop vaccine would be an injection of poop into your

body. jamie? [laughter] >> greg: by the way, that's the first time we swore today. good job. see what happens when kat and tyrus are off? it's a clean show. >> you know what scarce me more? leaving my phone with my girlfriend at the table. >> greg: yes. amen, when you go to the bathroom you can't leave your phone anywhere because they will go through it. >> two quick things, i don't cheat on her, but i just don't want her to look at my uber receipts. number two, my girlfriend is imaginary, but, you know what? >> greg: she's canadian, right? >> if you honestly want to get rid of [ bleep ] from your phone delete the cnn app. [applause] >> greg: they say smartphones can be dirtier than the toilet seats themselves. should we start making our phones out of toilet seats?

>> this is innovation. tell apple, i like this idea. >> i think there are a lot of good ideas, not a lot of people know this but martin luther, the leader of the reformation came to his idea that you achieve salvation through faith alone while he was sitting on the toilet seat and he wrote it down in a notebook. i don't know if i'll have an idea that big but i want to be able to jog it down without washing my hands. >> you know, martin luther, when was that, what year was that? >> a few centuries ago. >> what kind of toilet was that? >> he might have been squatting. >> greg: they didn't figure this out until like 20 years ago. >> i want to end on a positive note. at the end of the study, all the phones that had fecal matter and cockroach matter, it was not enough to be harmful. >> greg: happy ending, everybody. happy ending. oh, my god. thank you so much. the more know --

>> it's disgusting but it's not harmful. [laughter] >> only a little bit of feces. >> greg: don't go away. we'll be right back. safelite came right to us, and we could see exactly when they'd arrive with a replacement we could trust. that's service the way we want it. >> singers: ♪ safelite repair, safelite replace. ♪ how to grow more vibrant flowers: step one: feed them with miracle-gro shake 'n feed. that's it. miracle-gro. all you need to know to grow.

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>> we're out of time. good night, everybody, love you, america. good evening and welcome to america's late news, "fox news@night." president bideno finally unlaunches his campaign. plus, in just hours, the head of the nation's largest teaching union goes before congress to talk about the endless covid school