breakfast. can i have a fist bump? >> i had a bacon and cheese on croissant. i mean bacon, scrambled egg and cheese on croissant. >> does not fair, he remembered. a little scrambled, but that is the least of the concerns with joe biden. that's it for us tonight, don't forget your dvr, and gutfeld. [cheers and applause] [crowd noise] [cheers and applause] >> greg: i know. i know. know the feeling. i totally understand it. i understand it, but you need t control yourself or there is only one of me. happy thursday, everyone.

from coast-to-coast our schools are toast. is time once again for. >> our education system sucks. >> it's funny, because it spelled incorrectly. have you heard about equitable grading? i haven't because i'm not allowed within 100 feet of a school. they still refuse to believe i drive an ice cream truck. but school districts around the country are buying into this even though many teachers aren't , they think it's as shady as a gynecologist who works out of his garage. what is equitable grading really ? the grading scale begins at 50 percent, instead of zero, that means you do deserve a de- commit that extra leg up makes it a b or se. picture joy behar, i'm sorry, but she stepping on the scale,

right? where zero is actually 150 pounds. voilà, she only weighs 160 instead of 310. that is equity. meanwhile, homework is played down and kids are given multipl chances to complete the same assignment and the same test because if it first you don't succeed, you're probably a dumba dumbass grading for behavior s . in chicago schools you can't stab a teacher without a permission slip. think about what that tells a kid. if used to be half the battle was showing up, now you don't even have to do that, when there's no deadlines for assignments who cares if you don't do it. you create a crazy bizarre worl where grouping are is rewarded, effort is punished in don lemon is still employed. good luck firing finding hiring people people in a few years

free to qualified applicants will have to look elsewhere lik death row, proponents say that traditional grading method favored kids with a stable home life, in other words, more whit privilege. with this kind of theft up education, good luck learning anything. in some schools, that might be good thing. vermont elementary school at will no longer use the words meal or female when teaching si grade students seced ed. they will now use person versus language trade so boy or mail will be replaced by a person wh produces. and girl or female will be replaced by person who produces eggs which in vermont used to b known as a farmer. you know instead of calling the school administrators, let's call them [bleep] producers.

of course, the person who produces male, and i would show you, words instead of saying cart you would have to say larg object that mcbain broom broom . instead, we'd say a scary thing that mcbain bang bang. and instead a president biden we'd say old man who mcbain boom boom behind the tree. everything will become moronic world salad which is i guess wh kamala supports it. >> i think it's very important

and you have heard from so many incredible leaders for us at every moment in time. to seize the moment in time and which we exist in our present and to be able to contextualize it, to understand where we exis in the history and in the momen as it relates not only to the past, but the future. >> that is some bad weed. generally when people get high, they had some interesting thoughts, not her. speaking of gibbering idiots, look at this gate school district that plans to cut musi classes they feel is the most white supremacy culture and significant institutional violence. black kids are getting beaten with oboes and tubas.

it's just another side of inequity by the white man. listen to this crowd. >> the school district that is surrounded by white supremacy culture. with instrumental music that intrinsically white supremacist however, the way it is, in the way in which all of our institutions in schools, local governments, state government, churches, neighborhoods, allow white supremacy culture it need to be propagated and caused institutional violence our things that we have with white culture. >> greg: what that [bleep] did you just say?

everything, everything is white supremacy. talk about a wind instrument. how about i stick a flute up your ass you sick bastards when you think that education has reached peak absurdity, something else comes along. like working hard or showing up being on time, that might as well be the internship in the k klux klan. even though, it is truly racist to think minority kids need those kinds of excuses. i feel for parents both black and white. how do you navigate this? who needs musical instruments when it's too much fun watching mom and dad getting played? let's welcome tonight's guest.

unlike alan baldwin she intentionally shoots her target katie pavlich. he looks like your mom before h went to jail, comedian jim florentine. he is the stand up his wardrobe you throw up, jimmy failla. and lastly, she is thinner than rudy giuliani's comb-over, fox news contributor kat timpf. jimmy, i believe i have heard you do have children or one child, right? >> is that child in school? to get my son, lincoln, is 14. >> lincoln is controversial so now it mcbain by his middle name, oj.

hey girl. good to see you. >> this is the stupidest thing you've ever seen as a parent because we're prioritizing everything but what kids need. right now, one and three kids and this country can read at a grade level, to in three cance. we're focusing on all this anatomies deford were so focuse on children's anatomy, i feel like i use laptop for jerrod vogel. think of it on a superficial level. nobody wants to hear motley cre thing smoking in the person who produces room. do you want them to say person who produces eggs produces eggs produces eggs instead of girls, girls, girls pride you notice i'm taking on all the strip cup club references right away. anybody who says music is an example of white supremacy has never been on a dance floor. >> very good.

>> katie, we're not just seen a perversion of biology, or seen perversion of language. like, they got it backwards, there is a word and a definitio of the word, but now the definition takes the word. it makes no sense. >> i am just an egg basket walking around. >> can i call you egg basket? >> i would probably get by, wit my? >> what if i sent it to you in text? >> don't do that. >> all of our language is based on gender. so oatmeal and female, our language is completely dependen on those terms. it's built around it so we star destroying the language because we're deconstructing gender, yo deconstruct everything. when it comes to b-schools, the very people who are in the schools that means 100 percent

of the kids in high schools tha rate of a kindergarten level. they don't want to be judged, s they just say, we will give you 50 percent, but we don't actually have to solve the problem and it's really wrong because they are sent for a better future. the really not. the worst thing for them to do is to tell them you're not just in the only reason you can read at that level when you're 16 -year-old, is because of your and white people are keeping yo down. it's really wrong. >> and every fact of society there's no escaping of it. jim, you look like the kind of person that shows up at a schoo board meeting with a gun.

they say it's an advantage if you come from parents it to hom parents, is it really in advantage? what if you have stupid parents? but you come from a stable home. like my kids have a stable home but he's got a stupid parent. is set at like to, but i can barely breathe. so you're on your own. >> they would not be able to help their children with their homework. they're not doing homework. >> just open up google, their cheating anyway, so it doesn't matter. >> have you experienced any wok -ism? what classes your kitten? >> he's 12, he's in sixth grade great are you experiencing any weird stuff? they kept saying penis and test

testicles and they got in trouble for laughing great i still left at that part. >> if that's a case where they don't want you to laugh at that they would have chosen better words. in six grade, two pairs of underwear. >> two pairs of underwear, forget the showering thing now. everybody's doing it now. i couldn't get them in the shower, now i can't get them out . >> welcome back, the number one book of the week on amazon. number three new york post. >> sold the most books for the week fred. >> can i say this in all. >> thanks, greg. >> so much.

>> i went to la for 20 hours to table that with bill marra come out on sunday. >> that be something else. >> don't watch it if you're easily offended. speaking of all of this stuff. i don't think i'm super right wing, but maybe i am because i think it's a little weird to be talking to kids about their sper sperm. i think they forgot what they were talking about. the whole idea was there sex and your gender identity is whatever you choose. that's what male and female men's even according to them. you still need something to decide what chromosome you have great i think male and female are just shorter than telling

kids the person who produces spe sperm. it sounds gross. there's not a word for it. is just weird and gross and. >> i didn't know i was a sperm. now if i'm trying to have sex with my girlfriend i tell him it's a supply chain issue. >> i just got off the plane. >> i can smell you from here. >> that is true. >> the audience is turning on me . i'm used to it. one prez see sly while another thinks american pie.

♪

>> he was less than discreet discrete with his little cheat sheet. their president sings karaoke while always looks like he's going to croak. photo snapped during a press conference turns up the only chance of a gotcha moment when he grabs a child. it says quote however you squaring it domestic priority like fate manufacturing with th based foreign policy. on the reverse it said it found returned me to 1600 pennsylvani avenue. to give the "l.a. times" says i didn't submit anything in the white house is denying. that question however, the reporter asked wasn't word for word, but it was.

it all happened at a joint pres conference with south korean president. i think i said that right. it turns out he has a beautiful set of pipes. ♪ singing ♪ ♪ singing ♪ >> greg: something touched him deep inside, you better check, it might be joe's finger. don mclean must be spinning in his grave.

their president sings while our president soils. but he shows signs of life unlike our commander-in-chief who can barely fog a mirror. its most important in which man would be possible. that writer is so far up that as ass i bet he can taste the hair plugs. he can probably taste the heloise. he once ran a campaign saying h was too old to serve, that opponent was 63. during and 70 to senate race he said killed bob lost that old twinkle in his eye he used to have. again, he said it about a 63 -year-old meanwhile he replace the twinkle in his eye with a

tingle down his thigh. is have a facelift in the here transplant and still looks like the guy who drank from the wron grail in indiana jones. what does joe think of all of this? ticket i've got lots of twinkle. lots of twinkle. i didn't lose my twinkle. ♪ twinkle twinkle little joe. ♪ everybody think you're old. ♪ you have that twinkle in your eye. ♪ as old as i am in july. ♪ and i never lose that twinkle. ♪ even when i wake up in the night to go tinkle. >> whose fault is this? is it joe's fault or the media that are like do anything. it is such a glaring difference from how they treat tromp.

>> which part? to get exactly. i don't think that it's necessarily that he's old old, think he has a problem. my grandma is 101 and could do better job. she is more cognitively available than that. i think it's the media's fault. >> we're the eggs are in the wild. the egg basket is in the wild. i think this is the media's fault, the white house is use this over in over again. all they did was ask him steepl to be questions about ice cream instead of questions that would benefit the country. here you have the white house holding in press conference and they take two questions not may be exact wording, but the topic are given ahead of time so he knows what to say, reading off cue card. they should demand better than that. when they claimed that they are

there to benefit the american people to give information, they're not doing that,. >> because they want should the put push-ups. they don't even set them up for anything. they just play along. >> those tromp press conference were like two hours, those were must-see tv. >> better than the netflix special. >> it was all off the cough, he did know what he was coming at him, and now he's got a card to look at. look, give biden credit though, at least he remembered to look at the card. you've got to give him that. if they could just give him a cheat sheet to go upstairs. to keep you know it's funny, i was thinking about tromp and ho like he would actually, instead of walking away from the press, he would be walking at them. it be like out here he comes. and he would enjoy it.

it was fun because he knew that he was smarter than they were and he was more engaged in the world than they were, so so these guys just handled joe wit like medical gloves or like tongs, they use the tongs, do you know what tongs are comic kat? >> is that the question. >> all these headlines about biden in the cheat sheet, showing this journalist that ha the questions ahead of time, i think those are incorrect because i don't think you can call this journalist up its performance art. i'm glad we know this at least for it it's good information to know he is ends answering question that is been given ahead of time.

i don't think it should be, i think you should be able, i don't care how old you are, can you handle asking questions fro the press? that's a huge part of the job. >> that reminds me of the cnn debate where hillary had the question ahead of time. >> that will never happen to us. >> she got the question from a cnn reporter ahead of time. good night, everybody. and want to defend the media on one thing. they did asked ask biden some tough questions like what your name. they are pulling a billy madison . unit remember when billy madiso fees his pants and he wanted to make him feel bad and you said in your pants as cool, that's

what the daily beast is doing. having dementia is called. i dementia in my pants every day . somebody should acknowledge the singing of the south korean president that was pretty good, was it not? he wouldn't win the white house is got talent because bill clinton once converted a intern to a humidor. it's an all skate. >> okay, we're going to move on. up next, its heartbreak as shor thing if you shacked up without a ring? put it on my chase freedom unlimited card. and i'm gonna cashback on a few other things too. starting with the sound system... curry from deep. [autotune] that's caaaaaaaaash. i prefer the old intro! this is much better! i don't think so! steph, one more thing... the team owner gets five minutes a game. cash bros? wooooo, i like it! i'll break it to klay. cashback like a pro with chase freedom unlimited. how do you cashback?

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♪ >> greg: will cohabitation effect your marriage duration? apparently your marriage won't last if you shacked up in the past research of the university of denver claims that couples that move in together before getting engaged or married are more likely to get divorced for a 34 percent of couples who

shacked up getting hitched spli up but for couples who cohabitated after they tied the knot, that number is only 23 percent because the remaining sauces were murdered. by the way, tying the knot doesn't make it sound fun. think of whatnots are used for? of course, researchers point ou that this runs counter to what many people think. that living together first give couples a chance to test the relationship before making a lifelong commitment it also built up an immunity to their partners. we have an audience of farters one psychologist said there's n evidence to prove this belief. ads clearly stated planned before moving in together, assuming of course you're not

moving in with the sociopaths. and that proved too difficult i have two words that have saved many relationships, separate bathrooms. hers is in the bedroom and mine is at port authority. to implement your divorce, right ? did you live together? >> yes, i'm all for one. we live together before we got married and it didn't work out, so according to this survey, i' a statistic, so it wasn't my fault. i always thought it was me that i was a jerk, but now i feel better. >> and never looked at it that way. it let you off the hook pretty cute they do. do people that are living together just say this kind of sucks, but let's get married? >> a lot of people move in

financial reasons. i didn't know it was going to work out that was the first tim was going to live with the girl so i had like three changes of close. item on the blog all that stuff out there and move everything i and out. and then, i worked at a gas station for the first month dow the road to go to the gap bathroom. >> people don't understand how hard that is. in a small apartment with one bathroom. is right by the bed. that will kill romance faster. >> with indian food. i mean how many courtesy flushe can you do? >> exactly. for 24, you live together with your husband, i can't remember? >> you don't listen to me when talk? >> we moved in together after four months. which was way to soon. but actually, we are going to b married two years on monday. >> greg: while mac.

>> i moved in four months with my and ours was over into an a half years. we will see what happens in six months. >> i think it's okay. we do have separate bathrooms so . there is one bathroom and then there's the thoughts for your cat mcbain to the bathroom. >> so the litter boxes in there. of, that's too gross for you? >> we were expecting to say tha you also use it. honestly, i think before we got married, was chapter five so after that point, nothing is gross anymore. if you can get past that, he ca get past anything. >> you'll have to read her book that found out what happened before chapter five, imagine when you're leading up to a wedding and that happens. a real medical emergency.

but it's important they say in sickness and health, but not before you're married. right, jimmy? >> jimmy are you still married chris. >> we moved in a year before we got married and we've we been married for 16 years. wow, wow, don't clap, we're not happy. i'm in an awkward spot. we're married 16 years, the las three times we went to stop & shop, we ran into my high schoo girlfriend. >> is she a bagger? let me tell you why this happened just a you get it. the reason people who move in together first breakup sooner i because all of the stuff you would fight over in a marriage happens sooner. what i mean by that is when you're married, you have bills

to share, you have to decorate coming have to utilities, you have stuff that mcbain wrong around the house. when you're not living together and you're just dating is like what you want to eat and where are we bleeped, and it's just u party. when you are dating, life is a theme park right all fun, cotto candy, crazy stories. when you're married it's a them park, but all the good rides ar closed. >> that is terrible. i disagree, katie, it just gets better, katie. >> i disagree i think marriage is really fun i like the themepark of marriage. >> when you like the rides that the guys don't like. >> oh my god. >> anyway. >> anyway, mom and dad. >> have you think i feel? you could you want me to move on

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>> coast-to-coast with stories that matter most. you're watching local news with nine time emmy award winner and now, here's chet. >> yeah. local news. you each share a story from wherever there from. in an effort to get a spot on m roller derby page, but before w get to the battle let's welcome our special guest, tyrus. >> all right, what have you got tyrus? where are you first of all? >> first of all, i'm not tellin you where i am, but, in my loca

news i'm pretty excited about this because we've heard all this talk about student loans and paying for people stuff, this young man in louisiana raised $9 million in scholarshi money being offered to him, 9 million. the kid made it and am excited for him, i'm glad to see if you do the work commitment listen, he only has a 4.89, so he could've done a little better maybe got 10 million, but he's over 200 schools are offering this man for opportunity for a higher education per. >> that's a great story. great story. >> it feels like one more thing from dana, doesn't it? >> no, no it doesn't ferret. >> except you would also have a pony. and he celebrate by.

>> $9 million, greg. $9 million. that's a pretty good safe space. >> it is. >> let's ask jim, jim, you're from jersey. is that where your stories from? >> yeah. get there is a town that if you're a little league parent and you're abusing the umpire they will make you umpire three games. >> that's amazing per. >> because now people will take advantage of it they will take that when their kids up there going to call everything a boss of the kids going to walk, i don't know how that's going to help that you have to make in empire. >> that's great. that's like if you complain on fast food restaurant you end up having to cook there. that's pretty funny. >> i coached my son's rec basketball game and i got kicke out of a game for abusing that reps. he's like you're not allowed to say one more word or get out of

your eye said eye said how do you call timeout timeout nieces out. that is being a jerk. >> i hate sports. about you, jimmy, what your story? >> actually it's a positive story. i grew up on long island. there is a nun that is turning 110 years old and she is truly an old-fashioned woman, she doesn't have a peis. she's been around a start, she got her start waitressing at that last supper perigee did so well she just rolled with it. happy birthday to the nun from amityville. >> amityville. amityville,. >> i am from flagstaff, arizona. its about the whole state, but mostly phoenix. there are these women who sell made tamales in front of grocer stores for they wanted to legalize that so people could just go by them because they're

delicious and the democratic governor vetoed it, so this par of free the tamale #on twitter. the responses have been funny, but no fun for you right if you want the tamales you have to ea them off the black market. >> there you go. >> and then come at the next, literally, you are freeing tamales. >> a family and monitor township , michigan at home on monday when they heard the sounds of her front window shattering. there was an intruder and the intruder was a deer there was a deer in their house that's interesting has that ever happened to you guys? no, look, the deer is on the bed . so than the police came and the said get out of here dear, you can't be here, i don't know how he handled that i'm just guessing.

do they have a deer unit? >> some people i know, if they walked in and there was a deer in their bed they would have some ideas. >> somebody has been dating farmers only. >> typist, when are we going to see you again? i know you were a little under the weather. >> you just saw me. >> here. >> here in new york fred. >> it's unknown. is been a very long day. i will see you next week. be back next week. >> excellent, good to see you. all right, up next. the new york times from a sandwich made with pringles. that's it. miracle-gro. all you need to know to grow.

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>> a story in five words. >> a story in five words. times discovers chips on sandwich. kat, the "new york times" cooking instagram account is getting roasted for acting like they invented putting potato chips on a sandwich. given their history, it's this kind of deception actually on brand for them? >> i find it inspiring. >> why? >> i'm going to write a cookbook

next. >> really? >> if chips on a sandwich co counts, then, yes! look out, steve doocy. >> yeah! ha-ha. ha-ha. >> look out, indeed. >> everybody does this right? i always put chips on my sandwich. >> what it does, jim, is it proves that, like, kids have the best ideas about food combinations, because this is something you did when you were 12 and it's like then you had to stop doing it because you became an adult. "stop putting chips in your sandwich, greg, or i'll whip you!" [laughter] is that what your parents really said to you? i don't like this story. brings back -- "no, dad! no!" but that never happened. >> it was original. people have been doing it forever. wow, i never saw -- this is a great idea. i should know there's a new recipe out there i just heard of so you can put -- people starting to put cheese on hamburgers. maybe they'll put that on their

instagram next. who is going to the "new york times" instagram? what is there? >> greg: apparently one of our producers. ha-ha. you just totally ripped on one of our producers. probably crying right now. well, jimmy, um, are you so pressed for time that you need to eat your sandwich and the chips at the same time? like, i can't just go back-and-forth. i got to put it altogether. >> listen, i always did this as a kid. we did baloney with doritos. that's a go to. i like baloney with doritos. whether it's baloney or doritos, the doritos replaced with cheese or chips, everyone in america does chips on a sandwich. it's like the internet porn of food. it's bad for you but we're all doing it when we're home alone but i'm looking forward to their upcoming piece about how you can mix peanut butter in jelly. i think that's going to be -- >> greg: wow! wow! >> you said doritos? >> should i said doritos? >> you know what amok long island dirt bag i am? the fact that i made it on cable

news, how about you cut a dude some slack? >> i didn't even know there was a correct way to say doritos. >> doritos. >> it's not door-rito! >> do you have any weird combinations, katie? >> i mean, you already said my secret earlier so i don't want to talk about my food habits n now. um, no, this is a texture thing. >> yes! >> it makes it a crunchy sandwich rather than just a mushy sandwich. we used to have chips on sandwiches on river trips. >> river trips? what's a river trip, katie? go down a river? is that why it's called a river trip? >> something you do at burning man. you know what i mean? >> in places like arizona, there's a lot of cool stuff on the river. >> greg: i bet there is. know how to weight things down with rocks, katie. right? ever weigh something down with a rock? >> yeah. yeah. >> greg: and wake up in the middle of the night and wonder if the hands suddenly come up out of the water. >> if you're good at your job, that would never happen. >> greg: that's true.

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as someone living with type 2 diabetes, i want to keep it real and talk about some risks. with type 2 diabetes you have up to 4 times greater risk of stroke, heart attack, or death. even at your a1c goal, you're still at risk ...which if ignored could bring you here... ...may put you in one of those... ...or even worse. too much? that's the point. get real about your risks and do something about it.

talk to your health care provider about ways to lower your risk of stroke, heart attack, or death. learn more at getrealaboutdiabetes.com >> greg: we're out of time. thank you to our guests and our studio audience! fox news @ night with trace gallagher is next. >> breaking tonight, oregon wants homeless tents to be untouchable even if they're on a public sidewalk. jason is here with that the covid border policy also known as title 42 is about to end and the white house has a plan. it's just not a plan we expected. but we begin with angry lawmakers on both sides of the aisle. they're angry because the u.s. government is surveilling americans, millions of americans without warrants. with more on the f