say it fast. we don't have any time that's all for the saturday night. if you want more jokes, we've got tickets on sale now for the laugh and liberty tour coming to a city near you. and please set your dvr for 10 p.m. eastern right here every saturday night. good night. ! gutfeld is next. all right. happy almost friday. huh, we can hang on one more day. if we just believe. especially if it is red met thursday.

[music] its red meat thursday. serving stuff you love! ♪you agree with us ♪itself red meat if you don't like these politi politics, that is because you are a little bitch! ♪ ♪ [applause] >> could you just put something together, that is what he does. sick little boy. yeah, it is red meat thursday, where we tell you what you already knew to be true and everyone who disagrees can go f himself, to quote dana perino. tonight's red meat, leftists are ugly. i know, you knew that already, you've seen "the view."

now scientist bearing it it out, amazing, new artificial intelligence study out of denmark, which is a country, i believe. turns out ai can predict a person's political leanings with 61% accuracy, based solely on their face. it is far more accurate than the old method, which was based on ass' eyes. when the judge the official features used for this, they found something else, the right-wingers were where hot-air. yeah, yeah, yeah. some notable exceptions, of course. brought down the curve. here's the boring part, danish scientists -- the kind with cheese or fruit filling -- they spreafed 3200 photographs into e tool, after the analysis, they

found 80% displayed a happy expression, but behind those happy faces were conservative female politicians who looked happier and more attractive than liberals. reasons for this happiness abound. you are not surrounded by gloom and doom. it is easier to walk in heels without cloven hooves. i'm sure that breathing helps. but the study's authors find that a finding make sense because previous research has also highlighted this link between attractiveness and conservativism. which means it is time for a gratuitous shot of dana perino. isn't she lovely? that is without makeup. here she is with makeup. yeah. so why are conservative so hot? what could be the reason for this? are liberal women really uglier than conservative women and that is why they still wear useless masks when driving alone in their tiny cars can make could

it be due to adopting an ideology of hopelessness based on the unfixable nature of an evil society, that begets their anger, ultimately undermines her natural good looks. hard to embrace beauty when those around you call any attention that you receive from your beauty a form of objectification of the male gaze. if they can't find beauty in the world, they denounce their own, destroy it with hair dye, piercings, cases of cheap frozen pizza. this could explain all those mug shots of female and diva members, talk about an ugly bunch. they weren't always this way. here they are before they embraced leftist dogma. thank god i dump them before they discovered msnbc. rather than look hot, try to approximate the political statement, when he wouldn't want to sit next to on a bus. the study also found that left-leaning men had more neutral faces than conservative men, meaning they didn't look as

happy, but i guess it is hard to look happy after they remove your balls. seriously, how happy can you be if your wife forces you to go to drag queen story hour at the library. just a spineless sack of low testosterone and lack the upper body strength to break free and run away. left-leaning men are better at hiding their emotions. apparently they have better poker faces, which makes sense, a good con man never lets the mark know how he really feels. you get a lot of practice lying if you are a man who claims to be a liberal. dye your hair purple to commemorate june to youth. i agree, sarah silverman. she is really funny. wow, the scale is delicious. ominous paralysis. kind of looks like he is facing somebody holding up crucifix,

but he has been lying the whole time. what does this mean for the future? knowing the left, they will probably use this technology to get conservatives under surveillance. most are already eager to dig through the personal life of anyone who criticizes a democrat. they enjoy canceling people who stand in their way of a progressive but miserable society. what is next. perhaps we just identify the happy people and let skynet do the rest. >> she has her mom was still gets asked to the prom, julie banderas.

he frisked and cuffed hundreds, sometimes as a police officer, former nypd inspector and attorney paul morrow. cheerful only when she is giving you an ear full, fox news contributor kat timpf. and his fanny pack sleep seven, my massive sidekick, tyrus. it is quite obvious that you are far better looking than anyone on cnn or msnbc, but a low bar, very homely people, male, female, those in between. do you buy the science? >> i do, look at conservatives across the board, >> not just across the board. >> across the board. >> across the border. >> if you look across the board,

left angry, more attractive, a lot of scowling coming from the left and a lot of angry liberals, that does make them ugly. i believe it makes men more attractive -- you identified as, what, a conservative? >> i am a forest pygmy. >> what is your excuse? >> i don't know. i find that -- yeah, being happy just makes you better looking. >> you look better now than when you started at fox, which i think means you've become more conservative. >> maybe i was more miserable. can find people that would say that. >> you have improved with age, not very common. >> accepting the whole pygmy thing. >> that is true. >> would normally say he was a pygmy, great moment where he said it in passing. >> we should all clap for him, not easy. >> not easy.

>> i applied it. >> i applaud the therapist. orthopedic shoes probably help with that. >> these are not orthopedic shoes. these are prada. >> for the height impaired. >> all right, paul paul, fairly good poker face, what do you think of this tough finding that, like, liberal men have better poker faces. is it because they have - -- >> consider the fact that ai was essentially constructed by a whole slew of schoolboys on silicon valley, still in conservative if you take progressive versus conservative. conservatives want to hang onto the good stuff. saying to themselves, you know what, a lot that works here, america is in perfect,

capitalism, democracy, imperfect come on, but better than anything we have come up with. progressives, the idea is, going someplace else, the city on a hill, were going to get that. embedded right on the ideology that you're going to be dissatisfied. like taking a very long car ride with a bunch of cranky, ugly women. we have been through those. i know your college years. not really a pleasant experience. >> if you believe there is nothing positive in life, all you are going to do -- it is going to come out of your pores. >> they will never let that go because that is the business model, and they can't, be out of jobs. >> exactly. the activist face belongs in the activists class, and they can't let it go, or they would be out on their ass. how are you doing, kat? >> i'm okay. i don't buy any of this.

>> why? >> you have to be happy for people to want to bang you, my love doesn't make sense then. >> she's got a point. >> are you saying you are miserable today. >> i don't think i give all the sunshine-wide vibe. it's funny, now conservatives like biased ai. we did weeks on, light, ai is broken, now that it tells you you are hot, it is all over? >> human nature. once you get a compliment, you forget about everything else. >> made. i also don't think you can tell if someone is hot based on a picture. so many times i thought someone was hot and that i'm like -- right? >> you are right. >> thank you, i thought so. tyrus, do you agree that this is b.s.? >> yes, different reasons. i looked at a lot of those folders, -- it's a married guy

thing i know the look, the empty, soulless look in the eyes, the 50th time they took the same picture over and over again. not your real smile, where is the real smile, it is never ending, and the guy always has to say, look -- that is not a republican or democrat thing, that is -- i am stuck, fellows. check on me. if you look at those pictures across the board, liberal dudes -- dudes, we make that mistake. meet a woman, like, i'm into astronomy, it really ridiculous reparations and stuff, and you will be like, yeah, me too. and he will follow, and he will take that trail, go on that journey, he gets what he thought he wanted, now he is stuck, someone that will take a picture to send your friends and they say the same thing.

you need help, bro? >> that would be the funniest tinder bio ever, into astrology and reparations. >> some dudes would be like, me too. >> if you are into astrology and reparations, only give reparations to, like, virgos. >> but a dumb guy would be like, yeah, i agree, well played. >> i have been waiting for someone to say that. >> it's hard for women -- honestly, i was going to do this on the monologue, couldn't do it, the before and after pictures of people who go will. you see this, young, beautiful girls that deliberately destroy the way they look for a couple of reasons. one, told by their peers in college that beauty is objectification, that it is not real. no, it is real. little kids find people attractive, they develop crushes in first grade, that antisocial, that's real. you have these young people who believe that there is no truth

in beauty, and there is truth and beauty, hate to tell you. >> usually ugly people -- >> ugly people need friends. >> come join us. >> join us. >> nothing like shaving down the middle of your head, sweetheart. that's the look. you never see the ones tell them to do with it have the same haircut. >> we've got to move on. the red-faced clown gets dressed down. >> if you will be in the new york area and would like to help prevent bleeding gums. try saying 'hello gumwash' with parodontax active gum health. it kills 99% plaque bacteria. and forms an antibacterial shield. try parodontax active gum health mouthwash. hi, i'm tony hawk, and like many of you, i take a statin to reduce cholesterol, but statins can also deplete coq10 levels. that's why my doctor recommended qunol coq10. qunol has the number one

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[applause] >> greg: thank you, thank you,

thank you. thank you. thank you. but don't think you. not you. pop their dentures when adam schiff gets censured, condense condemns the lies of the men with zombie ice. after he promoted the trump russia collusion hoax, as believable as brian kilmeade getting fan no. [laughs] 2 for >> interpreter: . schiff becomes one of the 26 member ever to be censured, to his credit, it still the only member to a 12-inch neck. yeah, what did you think i was going to say? being censured, a punishment just below being expelled from congress. but when speaker mccarthy made the announcement, democrats did what they do best, mindlessly scream hysterical nonsense. >> the right solution, without objection, bleed on the table.

house will be in order. the house will be in order. i have all night. i have a leg. if i had a nickel for every time stuart varney told me that. but dems wouldn't shut up, a party named after democracy itself, they hated when people vote on stuff. he did have to go to the front of the chamber known as the well. think of it as a walk of shame, did that this morning, leaving hemmer's place. we go to the man himself, and, audience, no booing, respectful show, welcome congressman schiff, how are you? >> ♪ shame on you, oh, yeah ♪ excuse me, mr. got failed.

>> greg: congressman, got to ask, how did it feel to have your ass chewed out in front of your colleagues. >> i will say this, mr. got failed, feels wonderful, listening to my colleagues chanting "shame, shame, shame." music to my ears. i'm back, baby. pretty soon i will have my high back to chairman chair again. >> greg: i don't understand, you're happy -- didn't realize you were censured by a majority in congress? >> yes! is not wonderful? i'm very proud censorship -- excuse me as shown sir-ship my bet is hard to say. ready for my close-up. >> that is very strange, and i am troubled by this, even though i know it is not real, i am

bothered. finally, congressman, running for an open u.s. senate seat. who do use -- what do you say to those who might be skeptical of your agenda. >> i think you mean my a-ghenda. do you like impeachments, do it again, and i'll do it uh-ghen uh-ghen-da. thank the orangemen. i'm going to go celebrate with a glass of wine and some trumpet steaks. good night, ladies and gentlem gentlemen. ♪ shame, shame, shame ♪ ♪ shame on you ♪ spewing thank you, congressman schiff. paul, does this mean anything? >> nobody in america knows what

censured means. i don't think it means a whole lot. he is playing into it. going to get his reward, likely going to get that big senate seat, been the attack dog, knows where the bodies are buried, he does look like he was goosed with a cattle prod, it doesn't seem to bother anybody. he is going to be around. kind of looks like a praying mantis. looking for the antenna. >> greg: eight is one of the oddest looking people on the planet. i guess he makes it work, tyrus. >> does he? >> i don't want to get mad about this, but such a joke, the fact that he isn't going to be reallt at all. >> like, don't do it again. she knows i'm going to do it again. i guess she didn't feel like giving me a tonight.

going to use this as a campaign tool. goes back to the point in that creepy interview we just watched. the point he was making was, all this was doing is going into the limelight. that is the problem. as long as it is not happening to my side of the street, i don't care what is going on on the other side. eventually, it all comes around. wrong is wrong, get back to it, this man let a quiet coup with no facts and disrupted the country for basically all four years of president trump's term nonstop. that commit to me, it should bother -- really disappointing that th the dash this guy is trg to get a promotion.

greg: maybe the punishment is that he has to take be trapped in the life of adam schiff. i don't know it -- does he have family or friends? doesn't seem like he would. >> i don't think he is bothered by it. i do agree, i think that he loves to be on tv again. when you set it up as, he has that all republicans are evil, horrible people, it sees it as a win. like tyrus said, everything is -- bad, good, is that on my side? good. the other side, bad. theory clearly objectively bad. he wasted money that every taxpayer, the government spends their money on, it should be so easy to be mad. but we are so far gone at this point that people can't get mad at somebody if they are on their own side to be asked >> what say you, julie to have you ever been

censured? >> yes, but it is sent sword. but i have never been censured. as a former chairman of the house intelligence committee, he had a duty to deliver the truth to the american people. what he didn't instead was like to the american people, said there was actual evidence of russian collusion. the majority of america believed that. people that voted for biden believed it. not only did he hamper that election, basically, we got all stiffed by schiff. that is what happened. the guy, first of all, zero accountability, living proof, not only that, ordered to pay $60 million, only cover half the cost. i know you are shocked i know all these facts. >> greg: i forgot you were on the hard news side. >> getting a special investigator, robert mueller, spent this money, where does it go?

no accountability. now he is going to run for senate? >> incredible. it is disgusting. >> i have never been more pissed off by getting stiff by anybody. [laughter] i know, just believe that whole part out. >> we've got to move on, up they need their lawn back fast and you need scotts turf builder rapid grass. it grows grass 2 times faster than just seed alone. giving you a stronger lawn. smell that freedom, eh? get scotts turf builder rapid grass today, it's guaranteed. feed your lawn. feed it. did you know your body can produce its own collagen? collagen boosting superfoods from force factor support natural collagen production for beautiful hair, skin and nails; and their delicious and easy to use. rush to walmart and find collagen boosting superfood mara, are you sure you don't want -to go bowling with us tonight? -yeah. no. there's my little marzipan! [ laughs ]

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[applause] >> greg: she's got an affliction for failed predict prediction. another wrong warning from greta, keep lying to you if you let-a climate node and mild at school skipper greta thunberg is getting roasted, but not by global warming. taking heat for a treat that

claimed the world with end by 2023. i know, holy crap, that is, like, written. the world wasn't going to end by 2023. five years ago nostra-dumbass tweeted that we would be wiped out unless we stop using fossil fuels over the next five years. turned out to be less accurate than joe biden aiming for a west wing. pee joe gets a laugh. we are still here, but poor greta has since deleted that. she has made a career out of big forecasts and predictions, even got her own show. ♪ it's the end of the world as we know it ♪ ♪ i should be back in school.

hello, and welcome to "greta thunberg predicts." today's winning lottery numbers are 11, 15, and 11, which are also my measurements. [rimshot] how dare you! this week's predictions are, the state of arizona will be day loosed by the pacific ocean but august 30, and jayla and ben affleck part two is a relationship built to last. you have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your empty words. thank you. school, school, school! [applause] >> greg: it nicely done there,

kat, did you do a lot of preparation for that role? >> today. >> greg: how many videos did you watch? >> i watched the same video over and over again. look, she seems pretty upset. and her treat -- i saw some people saying, if we keep using fossil fuels, dumb, misinterpreting end. what she really meant, if we kept using fossil fuels for five years, the world would end in some point. that means we shouldn't listen to her because there's nothing we can do, going to end anyway, gasoline party, nothing we can do. in any case, whatever she meant by that, discrediting. >> greg: what is a gasoline party? >> i don't know, might as well try to find out. >> you spray each other. >> greg: terrible doomsayers,

shouldn't give an exact date, it should be generic like nostradamus was? is that how you said it? who gives a [bleep]. >> are you talking to me? >> greg: i don't know anymore. >> calm down. why in the blue scavengi hell he been listening? did she graduate from college? is she a genius? she just basically does what my daughter does every time i take away one of her toys. you have ruined my childhood and i will hate you forever. can you close the door and an hour later, "i'm sorry, daddy." hurry up and give her the spanking she was supposed to get. she is not an expert, of course she is wrong, upgrade, an ignorant child who doesn't go to school, going to say all kinds of [bleep], come out, drop this,

and you will go, that is your father's child. no one wants to take credit for him. unfortunately, they gave there is a microphone. >> mxp when you know what, julie, her life is said, always kind of speaking engagements. >> liberals love her, they can listen to stupidity and actually follow it. if i were her mother, i would be like, i don't know who your baby daddy is, something to say about what she is spewing. but you stole the words out of my mouth. she was 15 years old when she sent out this tweet. now 20. since when the hell to be listened to teenagers. i don't listen to mine. where are paying attention to her. how is she any smarter than my 7-year-old. greg: say she has a learning disability or -- >> s proves that when she speaks. >> someone will say to you, that is cruel, that's not her fault,

as burgers or something, if you go on the public square, you decide to scare the blue part of every child for five years, don't say we can make fun of you. >> and then they made her like -- the world doesn't end and they are disappointed. rather that we had a noah's flood, as they are going down for the last time, "well, i told you it was going to go this way." prove the a blog, the anger and dissatisfaction. that study was in denmark. i know she's not danish. you can see, that is the expression that she is going to wear the rest of her life until the world ends in a conflagration. really sad. >> greg: fun to walk up to her one day, kat, and go, you should smile more. >> that is not my problem. women love when you tell them

that. >> greg: "you should really smile more." >> and then duck. >> you know it's weird, i don't have to duck

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>> greg: 31 just so you know up to 50 now, 50 enemies, lots of enemies, golden club. you don't have any me a? >> i do. >> greg: you do. >> public national convention. >> greg: where were you?

i don't want to, like, chet, had 30s, one. good. i think chet turned down a job there. [laughter] >> you were at fox 1. >> : was a long story. you are a woman. sexist was say, that was chet talking. local news. >> got in me. >> you know i identify as a man. >> greg: each guest has to share a story from where they come, after about a winner. julie, you go first. >> there is a governor in connecticut, ned lamont, want to go to a restaurant in connecticut, you know why, because you can take your wine

to go. he cited a law that states if you go to a restaurant and you haven't finished a cocktail, you need to slam it down, you could take your oak all to go. something that came after coveted, eliminated for some stupid reason. it's at least connecticut got there. >> : takes a real tragedy to get people to change the rules that julie likes. covid has changed my life for the better. >> greg: and you get to drive around with a half a bottle of wine. >> no need to wait for mommy. are you done, i got to order another. hand me the car keys. >> greg: of course that's all in jest. >> i do not drink and drive, i've made my kids drive. [laughter] >> greg>> i got to be honest, ci had the story breaking news in

boston. try to get through this. this is called that used to be mean. notice his kid practicing in the yard it gives him a pretty bad to. the young ballplayer is playing in the minor league saw a kid playing by himself in the front yard and decided when kids used to play every day, gave it to him. it messed up when he said after handing over the free bad, he tells true madia on instagram, they will do that, he is still a stranger. promising to take the future with sox game. celtics traded marcus smart, he was so stupid appeared heart and soul and you traded for what i tried to be professional. you, boston celtics. take my eyes, not marcus smart. >> greg: old man.

was that your story? >> i don't need to write that down. >> my story apparently there was a new ordinance in town, grade, is going to hit you right at home, if you order takeout. it you have to specify that you don't want plastic knives and forks, and the store has to abide by that otherwise everybody is breaking the law. penalty debt. >> greg: this is what happens when you stop enforcing the big things, you find little things to fill up your time. not going to arrest a guy who napped to somebody come up with somebody in front of him, i will get you for jaywalking, i will get you for gum chewing or whatever. who's going to enforce this to mike >> they're going to go through your garbage? >> : you do want to go through

my garbage. some of them is still living. you knew i had a porcupine. >> makes all kinds of socks. scarves in the winter. >> greg: when i'm not shooting up. [laughter] >> wasted my breath, did you go. >> greg: what's your story, make it a great one, you could win. >> it doesn't lady in ohio refusing to remove nine and a half wolf statue from her front yard. it put it up for halloween, city ordered her to take it down, dressing and a compass and seasonal cost him instead. she went so far as to say i kind of look at it as security thing. want to break into a house with a nine and a half werewolf sitting in front of it. i know i would impugn it doesn't have to do with the safety, she seamlessly struggling. i could not that shameless even up i was -- speaking of ohio, i'm going to do a live show.

that's not shameless. i may be more shameless if i was a claim in july. north carolina has nothing to do with ohio if i said tickets are available at. i do not know this woman, i do respect her. >> greg: almost shameless. almost as shameless as a cameraman of me having my -- >> the wolf is so big. >> i would be discussing this. we get to the bottom. >> greg: my book, you can start ordering, doesn't come out until july, make plans, look at the cover, isn't it purity? >> i'm topless in my next book. >> : by the way, speaking of which, look at all the pictures in this book, i have so many pictures, tons of pictures, i never did it pictures before.

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>> greg: five words, men's health.

all right, chad, "men's health" magazine is getting mocked for publishing an article pushing the term kino. the gender identity of the presenting person. whatever happens to saying straight dudes and? >> how much we talk about this stuff, all the new words and stuff, you would think you would be asked about this far more often than you really are. it's not like you're at the grocery store and someone is like, how do you like to do sex what? people eyes glaze over, nobody cares, i don't care who i want to sex with. just do it, it doesn't come up that often. >> greg: certainly comes up in men's health. >> didn't you edit that?

>> greg: are yo i did. i would fire them, keep them alive for a while. tyrus. >> oh, man. i'm going to let the dude be a guy right now. i'm not a gynecologist, gonna ask of you, i just like [bleep], whatever that is. i have been chasing it my entire life. >> greg: there you go, no words for that. julie, are you a gynosexual? >> no. the visual appeared i'm never getting another pap smear as long as i -- >> greg: how do we get into that? >> you stole my mind again.

>> you're supposed t. >> it does remind me about gynecologist, therefore it my mind goes down that road. >> greg: takes away all the joy of human interaction by coming up with these stupid words. >> that takes the joy out of the pap smear. they were so fun. why can't we call them heterosexual or i'm a lesbian, who cares who you like? >> i finally get a category. i'm a dissolved all of my lungs now. i pay my mortgage. you and i -- our writers who are locked in the house for three years during covid it, trying to figure out some way to make money, somebody came up with this ridiculous term, she is not human qualified. we are supposed to care. who cares. completely artificial. >> greg: health magazine, all

q&as -- >> abstinence. >> greg: not the abs, i got the eight pack underneath this. if i show it to you, you would probably faint i'm your overly competitive brother. check. psych! really? dude, that's a foul! and now you're ready to settle the score. and if you don't have the right home insurance coverage, well you could end up paying for all this yourself. so get allstate. weeds... they have you surrounded. take your lawn back with scotts turf builder triple action! gets three jobs done at once - kills weeds. prevents crabgrass. and keeps it growing strong. get a bag of scotts triple action today, it's guaranteed. feed your lawn. feed it. have you heard about the incredible health benefits of mushrooms? modern mushrooms from force factor powerfully

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>> greg: we are all ou chaim brian kilmeade along with lisa bills, kat timpf, welcome to the big weekend show. you guessed it, fox news alert. commander of the military group broke promising march to moscow and threatened armed confrontation with vladimir putin without using his name bringing his troops back to the basis in ukraine. where's he going? the situation is escalating as all unfolding over the last 24