ever miss an episode monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, sign up for every day of the week. thank you for making the show possible and thank you for bein with us. stay tuned, let not your heart be troubled, gutfeld is next, h will put a smile on your face. have a great weekend. ♪ [crowd noise] let's welcome tonight's guests, he performs for hospital patients to remind them that things could be worse, founder of the leftist party.com michae loftus. when she wants your opinion, sh

will give it to you, fox news anchor julie banderas. his writing is sharper than a machete made of cheese, walter kirn. finally, she is like a pack of cigarettes, bad for your health but popular with bikers, fox news contributor kat timpf. before we get to new stories it's friday, so let's do this. >> greg's leftovers. >> it is leftovers were i read the jokes that we didn't use this week and as always it's my first time reading these. if they suck, i will skin joe mackey with a butter knife. it would be hard to tell. here we go.

he allegedly said that hunter biden is dumber than his dog since his dog knows when to sto pumping his leg. that's not bad. there's another joe and hunter to pay them $5 million each. in return joe gave them political fevers and hunter gav them scabies. joe biden started out using a shorter set of stairs to order air force one after he kept falling on the regular stairs. one will cushion his fall next time? depends. it came up too soon. you like that? they are a proud sponsor. i don't know why i choose them. i'm kidding, harris, don't come after me.

the burger king manager and south carolina after serving a customer french fryers that wer in a garbage can. suspicions about the fries were first aroused when the customer noticed they were actually warm. it's true. the wife of long island go-go beach serial killer has filed for divorce. that divorce is going to cost him an arm and a leg. i know. that's tasteless. that's terrible actually. john fetterman says his disastrous debate performance with that match on his depression. we all know how he feels about fire. abc announced 71 -year-old jerr turner is the star of the golde bachelor needless to say jerry will spend the next two weeks trying to figure out how to record the show on his dvr.

that's our audience you are laughing at. joe jonas revealed this week that he once accidentally did a number two and his pants while on stage. in response to really president biden said you to? and you ask me, people asked me greg, do people really love jokes? there is your answer. political experts say the democrats have a shortage of male voters, but they hope to make it up with an influx of women with penises. >> that's funny because it's true. >> barbie opens in theaters today although because ten has no male genitalia, audience kee confusing him with prince harry. tasteless.

the stifling heat continued in southern and central california this week it's so hot in sacramento governor newsom is using fire retardant hair gel. thousands of 10-inch penis fis have washed up on eight in argentina. as spokesman claims or been in there longer, but they been in the water all day. marjorie taylor greene sparked outrage during house hearings b showing explicit photos from hunter biden's laptop horrified dems immediately seized the images and sent them to the nearest children's library. this week a tornado wrecked of pfizer plant in north carolina, so it turns out god doesn't trust the booster shots either.

and finally, records show that linkedin cofounder reid hoffman at one time guest on jeffrey epstein's island donated nearly $700,000 to joe biden's campaig fund. i guess 700 grand is your child's play to him. okay to some new spirit is the it's eugene seeking mentality pushing alternative sexuality. according to the post, students and ivy league universities are identifying as non- straight as much as five times more than th general public. a brown university wall said 30 percent of the university isn't straight and what about the remaining 60 to percent, you're invited to my place this weekend. in elderly ivy league schools have seen large domes and kids identifying as lgbtq in recent years, princeton more than a

third, eln harvard more than a quarter per the one outlier is pen, just 15 percent, but it's located in philadelphia so mayb they don't want to come out of the closet due to all the gunfire. many students on these campuses say a fixation on identity politics is to blame. said one princeton grad, since sexual orientation identity is largely nonfalsifiable, many people will claim lgbtq status to join the oppressed group. could be students at elite schools are more inclined to be involved in professional advancement. not all college kids follow the flock. researchers at northwestern sen out gender surveys to engineering students at a bunch of schools. the responses were delightful t say the least read several kids identified as apache attack helicopters. another, assist gender lizard

king. and another listed the race as native american elizabeth warren . researchers called the response evidence that fascism is on the rise in america. but refusing to answer question about your sexuality is fascism then i am needham was leaning. see how i didn't say hitler, i' learning? this proves that instead of salivating over everything lgbt maybe they should stf you. walter, what do you make of thi trend? is it because college kids are essentially dumb and will follo anything? i went to princeton and i can tell you that people have reall changed. i don't care what they call themselves what they really are is for it. >> at left how people go to princeton to tell people to go

to princeton. >> exactly. and they're far too busy to hav sex. how do you get into ivy league teachers? pleasing your teachers pleasing authority figures. they've been good at this they're whole life since kindergarten they have raised their hand, they have erased th chalkboard, they've done everything society wants them and now they're doing another thing that society wants. but the real difference is that when i was at princeton, they didn't ask me about my sexual orientation nor would i have answered. i probably would have taken the apache attack helicopter. >> what fashion about apache attack helicopters are going around the world spreading freedom and democracy, they are one of the most progressive attack helicopters in the world but you know what it is, it's apache and its cultural appropriation. the helicopters need to

apologize to elizabeth warren. >> i know a couple of apaches and they would like to have an attack helicopter. >> okay. so i have a theory, would you like to hear it? >> the reason this is happening is because the barrier to entry is so low. it requires no effort, everybod has to believe you and it's replacing actual self-improvement which is why all the college students they n longer go to the gym they don't care about their appearance because they just choose a pronoun. don't you think that's brilliant ? >> know. >> remember, it's his show. >> oh, it's brilliant. you must've spent hours preparing for that. i have to say i think this is just part of our culture where they are trying to nurture over nature. they're basically teaching kids that it is the norm to be gay so they want to be accepted in college so they pretend g to bea beay. i guess we are all a

little bit gay. look at captai knight. i've had dreams about barbie an now it's coming true. i identify as a heterosexual male, but tonight i am a. >> i identify as a messy homeless tracy chapman. >> yes, i have a fast car. >> and you live there. >> when it's running great i think that ivy league kids are brilliant i think they're reall smart i'm with you on this one. it's a wonderful get out of jai free card. you don't have to work on yourself, you don't have to be special, if you fail at anythin you like it's because i'm trans. >> and you can blame society fo not fitting in. when i finish talking for this

little response, i want the audience to consider that i am trans and what i just said is very brave. [applause] >> a little slow. thank you. that took courage. >> you are hero. you are a hero. i just want to get on my knees right now. >> again. >> cat, what do you make of the apache attack helicopter as it gender identification? >> i think that not all of this has to do with how people think about gender identification and some of it has to do with how people feel about paperwork. the forms are so long like the forms are already so long we need to add another thing i wen to my dentist the other day. how many times do i have to tel them no, i still don't suffer

from incontinence? also, what does that have to do with my teeth and gums. why don't have to give them my e-mail. they send you happy national tooth lunch. the forms are already like six or seven pages long of things that have nothing to do. the last thing we need is addin more things to a form. we're all dying so we might as well live our lives what we hav the chance. >> live our lives. it's not that they don't requir the sat if the iv colleges for they have the lgbtq plus it's long and it's very easy. you just say all of the above. >> that is true. >> i'm wtt a. willing to try anything. >> instead of barking off it's like top or bottom.

>> i just write down i'm the philly. if you're laughing than you understood that joke great if you're not laughing, you're a good person. up next, we discuss what's really going on with aliens at the pentagon. oh booking.com, ♪ i'm going to somewhere, anywhere. ♪ ♪ a beach house, a treehouse, ♪ ♪ honestly i don't care ♪ find the perfect vacation rental for you booking.com, booking. yeah.

when you're ready to go but static and wrinkles are like, nooooo! try bounce, it's the sheet. less static. less wrinkles. more softness. more freshness. bounce. it's the sheet.

♪ >> did the military make friend with little green men? lawmakers are taking the pentagon to task for allegedly coming up information on ufos. starting next week representative on anna helena

luna. okay. she is going to chair congresse next round of ufo hearings featuring whistleblower, david gresh freight now that is a bad name you can't sing that. that yet he's another whistleblower. i'm hearing more whistleblowing and congressmen when i walk three times square and a speedo. he's the former intel officer who last month claimed the pentagon was hiding a top-secre alien program complete with nonhuman vehicles and even bodies freight he says they're hiding info about the adam schiff home planet.

the allegations are also renewe interest in the pentagon's real ufo department the newly create all domain anomaly resolution office or artois has been taske with identifying and tracking mysterious objects that could pose a risk to national securit unless of course it's white house cocaine. yeah, they recently sent one of their top concerns is intelligent or extra to rescue real technical surprise so not only might aliens exist, but they might be smarter and bette equipped which wouldn't be tough , have you seen earthlings lately? and the meantime chuck schumer introduced a two declassify all government data on ufos he repeatedly used the term nonhuman which if you think about it could have been talkin about his hair plugs.

those aren't really hair plugs. >> but, but what once would've gotten you laughed out of washington has now become a serious discussion. but if everyone is so concerned about aliens, then where are they? they could be hiding in plain sight. seriously has anyone checked pants? julie, the good thing about the discovery of aliens for you is that it will widen the dating pool. if you're tired of men you're not into women, they could have a real identity for you to attach yourself too. >> thank you so much for that advice freight i hadn't thought of that angle. you believe the pentagon is

hiding this from you specifically? >> congressional investigations are apparently going on right now as we speak in secret which has me leads me confused i don' understand it doesn't make sens for it it's not like the white house is trying to hide it they let kamala harris out in public every day. they even let her speak. i wouldn't be surprised if she commutes to work in the ufo which would explain the cocaine that was found in the white house entrance or they could blame it on the aliens freight was it hunter? >> when hunter's gun was lost, he blamed illegal aliens, remember that? is that i think those guys migh be illegals. michael, they were talking abou technical supremacy but how could alien late forms be matched for our unbeatable strength of our diversity? >> that is a great point becaus the next war is going to be a diversity war.

you can go through dimensions faster than light, but i have four of these, how do you have? >> it's all about galactic supremacy, pick for. i don't buy this for a second i think it's a pentagon looking for more money. till they go, we've got these aliens freight i want to see proof. this is like when you're local news station they take the spar plug cap off a car and then the take into mechanic and the mechanics like you need a whole new engine here, if there is alien ships, i want to see them because the pentagon really can't be trusted. if you buy them a bunch of new toys, they leave them laying around everywhere bertha left a bunch of stuff in afghanistan and said whoops he daisy we got to replace that. then we send a bunch of stuff t the ukraine. its insane i say show me the alien ships or you get nothing, pentagon people. >> i wish it worked that way. they're still going to take you

money. it's like three card monte, you can't win. look, aliens under there. >> katz, are you as cynical as mr. loftus? >> i don't like being compared to him, but i hate to say this, but i agree with michael loftus. >> thank you. >> myself esteem metered just refilled. >> you know the government is covering up the alien thing or they want us to think their covering up the alien thing because they're covering up something out. it's that there it's not that they're honest it's that their lying even more than you think their lying. it could be military style for creating in were saying these are unidentified flying objects but we're really creating stealth devices for it. >> i think aliens might already be here too though. like i don't think we can see them. they're already around what the don't want to tell her, but here , but you know why, will

make them do paperwork. okay, it's going to be long segment here. first of all, i note the whistleblower, i can prove that after the show with my text messages. he is kind of a boy scout hardy boys character who has discovered aliens and is just bound and determined to show us all very he's actually a very sincere guy. he's a mountain climber lives i colorado so i wouldn't discount this completely, but i think we're entering very risky period . obviously aliens don't want us to know they're here, or they would do stunts over the empire state building so we are in congress going to out their existence in they have superior technologies? isn't that dangerous? america make it it's wish, they may see a congressional hearing and which all of our big shots are there with their desks and

their glasses of ice water and they out the existence of alien and suddenly a bloom beam comes into the room and vaporizes chuck schumer et cetera, and then. >> i didn't realize we had pro vaporizing audience. >> but i'm going to tell you really, this is deadly serious whether you believe it or not, they want you too. >> i always think about aliens is if we are the anthill, that is like 500 feet from an overpass. the anthill has no idea there's an overpass there with cars going up and down. i think that's the way we are. where the anthill and everythin else is so big and so fast that it's unseal both. >> they don't want to be famous and we're going to make them famous? they are going to stomp on that in bill perry january 6, you've seen nothing happen when the

aliens do their insurrection. >> they just had those aliens that landed in vegas a couple o weeks ago so the invasion shoul be. >> a lot of them already come from vegas. >> vegas is where the aliens have been living for a long time . you see them at the blackjack tables. >> all right. i did once, i was waiting for a guy in line in front of me my eyes were burning for days. >> up next, national stories make you want to snooze, then stick around for local newyos. now what?... you'll talk? you call this “watching sports,” do you? ♪ you deserve better. so much in life is a compromise. directv never is. now get out of here — the game's on.

call 1-800-directv for a $200 reward card. get directv with or without a satellite.

>> coast to coast with stories that matter most. you're watching local news with 70 four-time emmy award winner and multiple head trauma survivor recently discharged from the icu chet van jensen.

and now, here is chet. >> yes. it is local news which each guest test is to share a story from wherever there from i vote on a winner. >> good evening, we interrupt for the breaking news spread reports are coming in that america's premier newsman has been stripped of all his enemie very fist after he went streaking at a professional soccer game. horrified onlookers saying he was screaming quote my body is work of art the world needs to see this. we will keep you updated with more on this developing story a it becomes available. now back to gutfeld. >> a tough break for chet. anyway, our thoughts in prayers are with him and his 134 emmys, local emmys.

because they're so easy to get great i hate people who talk about their local emmys. julie, do you have a lot a loca emmy? >> idea, i have two. i got an emmy award-winning journalist, i'm a journalist, i don't know if you remember. what was the story? >> this is going to be a little hard for you to swallow. >> if said that before. >> at. apparently, hamptons men were flocking to the doctor to get pe penis injections for enlargement. my motto is size matters and i know that's a sensitive talkback , but apparently now men are going to the beach and want to look good at better in their bikini because the speedo is back so you might want to look into this. this injection is like botox fo the penis it pumps you up it

makes it bigger. people are doing botox on their balls and calling it scrotox >> walter, do you have a local story? >> i'm going to call my mother-in-law after the show. >> can i move on? walter? >> yes, yes, what is your story? i am from montana and i had a choice of local stories various animal attacks. there were several grisly attacks, that is just called summer time. the one that interested me most was the interruption, the breaking up of the eagle feathe smuggling operation. a man was arrested for smugglin eagle feathers across the borde to south dakota because the border at this of south dakota

is defended on aren't national borders. and you see, i chose states based on the kind of organized crime that is prevalent. and arizona and california have to do with sentinels number smuggling, but in montana, bird feather cartels kind of rule th ticket that is so good, that is what you should look at. what is the big crime? they're not going to steal here from me, they're not going to scout me they're going to scalp a bird. >> and i mean to tell you come up montana actually get hit by cars because they are eating carcasses next to the road, thi is the ugly side of montana the are eating deer carcasses and sometimes people hit them so we don't know how the eagle feathers were acquired. where they shot or did somebody hit them with their truck, i think there might be extenuatin circumstances and am waiting fo the.

>> i see the fox nation special. cap, story. >> okay. what can you find at walmart other than great deals? if you're in rice lake wisconsin , you can find hail inside great it was hailing inside the walmart parade you have your wondering how big it was some of it was the size of golf ball other places where th size of a tennis ball and that walmart was closed on wednesday i believe due to this torrid damages, but i couldn't find an updates unfortunately about whether it was open now or not so if somebody could let me kno i'd appreciate that. >> they always compared to golf balls it's always sporting equipment which is like some of us don't hurt. >> they should compare them to eyeballs. that is haislip eyeballs it would scare the hell out of children. okay, round this segment out.

>> my life is still flashing through my eyes after the scroto scrotox thing. i have probably the best story ever about that dog bets knock onto a roller coaster at cedar point. look at. there is a duck on the roller coaster. that is fantastic. it is great because that duck can't get hurt right if something were to go bad with the roller coaster, the duck flies away and he laughs at everyone in the fiery carnage. so don't worry about the duck, he is having a great time. >> there you go. >> also, i'd like to welcome th apocalypse. hail in the walmart's biblical. it also happened in 2021 in oklahoma. >> it must be a tall roof. i have no expertise.

they knew the savings would be big. >> while, this is petering out. for you, it's always win when wf mail it inun. from innovation refunds at no upfront cost. sometimes you need a second opinion. [coughs] good to go. yeah, i think i'll get a second opinion. all these walls gotta go! ah ah ah! i'd love a second opinion. no. i'm going to get a second opinion. with innovation refunds, there's no upfront cost to find out. so why not check like i did for my small business? take the first step to see if your small business qualifies for the erc.

when i first learned about my dupuytren's contracture, my physician referred me to a hand specialist. and i'm glad he did, because when i took the tabletop test, i couldn't lay my hand flat anymore. the first hand specialist i saw only offered surgery. so, i went to a second hand specialist who also offered nonsurgical options — which felt more right for me.

so, what i'd say to other people with dupuytren's contracture is this: don't wait — find a hand specialist trained in nonsurgical options, today. i found mine at findahandspecialist.com. way back in 1982 we took care of about forty kids and had to turn away over two hundred and fifty. it's the emotion of that moment that said man that just isn't fair, and i think it was at that moment that operation smile was born. every three minutes a child is born with a cleft condition.

thousands are waiting for the cleft surgery and care your support gives. they need you. give joy and a new smile. scan the code or go online to give today. ♪ yep, you're watching mailing it in. weed one onto a charming bookstore and burlington, vermont,. i went a little dark there. i think i'm going to come to yo first, loftus because i assume it will be a terrible answer. mertz asks if you could be someone else for 24 hours so th others can think about that.

>> i would be mick jagger, and would just do shows and they would be fantastic and no one would know because the great thing about being mick jagger i you don't have to remember anything. everybody's like oh, mick, he i really still on top of his game. >> somebody could actually ente the world,. >> i would rather be kept. >> interesting. i went to princeton, so i want to diversify my experience and know she has a lot. >> that is true. >> okay, what is yours? >> i don't want to beat nancy pelosi so i can learn how to insider trading.

>> okay, julie. >> i would want to be me like single, skinny, hot, dating somebody amazing. to get you can do that. you are that 58 not really. ime though. >> she wants to be cat two. >> all right, leo. what did you, this is an interesting question. what did you survive that could have or didn't go horribly wrong . i think i have to go to cat first. >> chapter five. i wouldn't say i didn't go at all wrong. they don't know what you're talking about. i had a perforation that almost killed me and i had an emergenc surgery, but i had a bag for si

weeks. all facts. >> walter? >> my childhood. you already narrowed it down. none of them paid attention to me at all. >> you're esteemed prolific writer known, your face is known , movies have been made up of your books. >> it's got me absolutely nowhere. all right, let's see. >> what's the e-mail again?

it was what did you survive tha could have or did go horribly wrong. this is so hobby is. >> my marriage. and i'm barely alive. >> i should leave it at that. >> all right, michael. it's a feel-good day for me. the most recently it was surviving cat talking about scro scrotox and i have this image up a needle full of poison headed towards my nards and i' still balancing that outspread. >> every single ailment can be tied treated with everything, i you have a pain in your neck. or armpit sweats. >> that's right. anyway. once again, i don't know how to

get out of this. botox. botox get me out of this segment . up next, deep-sea narcs lookin for cocaine sharks. e put a reminder on my phone. on the top of the pile! oh. only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty. ♪ (swords clashing) -had enough? -no... arthritis. here. aspercreme arthritis. full prescription-strength? reduces inflammation? thank the gods. don't thank them too soon. kick pain in the aspercreme.

>> a story in five words.

>> beware, florida has cocaine sharks walter, researchers worried that they come into contact with smuggled bundles o cocaine from south central florida. that is true. what say you. i think it's good news. hit it means they're very skinny , very preoccupied with se sex rather than biting people. >> they lost their appetite. instead of eating children, the will talk to you about their. >> it's a great excuse for the white house then carried there was a shark visiting biden.

>> cat, what's worse, a cocaine shark or methamphetamine octopu texts. >> it depends on what you're looking to do. this is obviously because of th war on drugs because there is bales of cocaine because there are people in miami who like cocaine, no thank you. we don't do that here. now that sharks are all addicted . >> it would get flushed down th toilet which makes no sense to me at all. just do it, right, julie? >> no, i love it. >> do you want to do some right now? >> outcome you have heard of, you mean coke. now i don't do coke. investigators are conducting an experiment to figure out how an why they are reacting to cocain great i don't understand why this investigation is so complicated. hand hunter biden of snorkel an a mask, throw him in the water and use him as chopped, and a

story in it be more cost-effective. it make sharks better. it makes them think they're better. >> yes. >> and, the next day they are full of self. >> they ought they had a great idea for the next day they wake up and say that stupid. >> has. >> this must kill you because you can't afford coke and the sharks are getting it. >> there doing all of it, but this you turtles are happy because they don't have to worr about the straws anymore. that sharks are using them all. this is bad for the sharks. now they're going to be fast. it's like hey, man, have you ever eaten a syrupy, it's crazy. when time i partied with the drummer from inxs, it's going t be bad.

what would be dangerous would b baby seals on cocaine because you don't expect that thing to kill you. they are so cute with those big giant eyes. >> it's great when you go clubbing. it's disgusting, but you know that is good pick. >> walter, was that upsetting? >> i couldn't follow any of it. >> you know what this is? this isn't a real story. >> obviously, there are other marine life that is having that cocaine two. cocaine plankton isn't as good of a highline. >> i've been reeling on this, n pun intended for the last i edi mode two, three, four months yo have to start understanding tha none of these stories are it's because it's a summer people go on vacation and all of these stories start popping up.

they were the same stories the newspaper stories that filled u space, old man finds teeth and porcupine and it's looks like i so made up. this is what those stories are. we love it. it's like national hawk talk day . who gives a [bleep]. they do this every single day i i love it. don't go away, we'll be right back. [applause] oh, booking.com

♪ somewhere, anywhere... ♪ ♪ i just want to lie motionless in a chair! ♪ booking.com, booking.yeah ♪ ♪ hi. i use febreze fade defy plug. and i use this. febreze has a microchip to control scent release so it smells first-day fresh for 50 days. 50 days!? and its refill reminder light means i'll never miss a day of freshness. ♪ somedays, i cover up because of my moderate to severe plaque psoriasis.

now i feel free to bare my skin, thanks to skyrizi. ♪(uplifting music)♪ ♪nothing is everything♪ i'm celebrating my clearer skin... my way. with skyrizi, 3 out of 4 people achieved 90% clearer skin at 4 months. in another study, most people had 90% clearer skin, even at 5 years. and skyrizi is just 4 doses a year, after 2 starter doses. serious allergic reactions and an increased risk of infections or a lower ability to fight them may occur. tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms, had a vaccine, or plan to. thanks to clearer skin with skyrizi - this is my moment. there's nothing on my skin and that means everything! ♪nothing is everything♪ now's the time. ask your doctor about skyrizi, the #1 dermatologist-prescribed biologic in psoriasis. learn how abbvie could help you save. let me be direct: you're doing tv wrong!

you thought that other tv provider was good enough. now what?... you'll talk? you call this “watching sports,” do you? ♪ you deserve better. so much in life is a compromise. directv never is. now get out of here — the game's on. call 1-800-directv for a $200 reward card. get directv with or without a satellite.

buying a car from vroom is so easy, all you need is a phone and a finger. just go to vroom.com, scroll through thousands of cars. then, tap to buy. that's it. no sales speak, no wasted time. go to vroom.com and pick your favorite.

we are out of time. thank you, julie, michael, our studio audience. fox news at night. trace gallagher is next. love you, america. good evening, i'm trace gallagher. it's 11:00 p.m. on the east coast. this is america's late news, "fox news at night." a california businessman called the cops 50 times in 25 days to report a homeless woman defecating in front of his shop. the tstory of how he ended up i handcuffs. we're getting answers to the biden administration interfering in the hunter biden investigation. the u.s. attorney will g