unfortunately that is all the time we have left this evening. before we go, quick programming note. next week, live studio audience shows wednesday and thursday, new york city tickets free, just go to hannity.com to register. please set your dvr so you never miss an episode. thank you for making this show possible and in the meantime let not your heart be troubled. greg gutfeld standing by will put a smile on your face. have a great night. ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ >> tyrus: all right, woo! what it is. i'm tyrus and i'm in for the little fellow. but he sent a clip of what he's been up to. check it out. ♪ ♪

we represent the lollipop guild, the lopy pop guild, the lollipop guild. >> tyrus: he was the tall one. as for me many of you heard i've retired from wrestling. it's okay, but i'll still choke slam anyone who asks for joe mackey's pronouns. but now that i'm retired, i can focus on other things, like my kids. or helping out around the house. cutting the grass. fixing the water heater. cleaning out the garage. maybe organize my closet. i might find a pair of long pants that actually fits. who knows, maybe i'll see more books and read more movies. yep. and i'll be home all the time.

all the time. all the time. all. the. -- no, i know what i can do, i can solve world hunger. that would be easy for me, all i have to do is skip lunch. okay, maybe not. but i know one thing, i can bring this country together. now i'm strong enough to pull alaska south to join the rest of us. i can even run for president. but i'd have to be twice my age. so i say down with division and up with home. now here's my plan and it starts at the top. and that's not just because i'm taller than everyone. now instead of having presidents get his political opponents mug shots, we could just drain mugs and take shots.

[cheers and applause] >> tyrus: and not the felony kind like in chicago. that's right, let's make america drunk again. [cheers and applause] that was political. remember when we all loved beer and chanted tastes great less filling? it tasted horrible, we didn't care. either way no matter what your political affiliation we all agreed we loved beer. actually we loved the beer xhernls more than the beer, no matter what it was. beer bottles playing football, dogs drinking beers at pool parties, beach volleyball seemed popular, anything was possible. you heard what's up, you yelled back what's uuuuuup. now what happens now when you see a beer commercial? eww. not supposed to be there's more

filling in the front of the spokeswoman's swim suit. eww. but it starts at the top. and, no, not top surgery. that's right. we have to respect old corn pop, hail to the 157 year old chief. yeah, that's right, he's our president, too. i'm not going to let you give me the silent treatment. or boo. but he's the president. and if you are mean to him, it could ruin his vacation. now, look, everyone's mad because he said no comment when they asked him about maui. but to be fair, he thought maui was the name of one of his granddaughters. [cheers and applause]

>> tyrus: i'm kidding, i'm kidding. i say we have to find common ground on things. for example, our president is so cool that he can talk to dead people. [laughter] >> tyrus: remember when talking to dead people was cool, when the little kid from sixth sense said i see dead people. we all loved it. i wish i had that power. now i can throw a man through a brick wall, but after that conversation's kind of dull. but when the president talks to ghosts, everyone's got a dam prop. i wish i could shake hands with a ghost. [laughter] >> tyrus: what? i would love to see a ghost, as long as he's not wearing a white sheet. [laughter]

[cheers and applause] >> tyrus: hey, and did you ever think for one second that maybe the ghosts were shaking his hand and introducing themselves to him because they were trying to bring him to the light like in poltergeist? [laughter]. >> tyrus: carol ann. woo, okay, so not so much into ghosts. okay, cool. how about ice cream? we all love ice cream. recently our president went to the ice cream parlor and i for one was proud of him because he was there for ice cream. and the press followed him and, of course, they were there to ask him questions but they were a little nicer to this president than the previous administration. so they allowed him to order his

little delectable treat and he got his little ice cream. and we all remember what happened. he took his ice cream and he took his bite. mr. president? how cold does your mouth have to be to not melt ice cream. now, i know some of you are going to say it was chocolate chip. chocolate melts, too. then it hit me. he's dead. hear me out. he talks to dead people. he follows ghosts. he can't melt ice cream. it's the [bleep] zombie

apocalypse. [cheers and applause] he's not smelling hair, he's smelling brains. [laughter] >> tyrus: i've watched enough walking dead to know a zombie when i see one. nobody falls walking up stairs but zombies. you see him with that baby? look at him, zombie. [laughter] >> tyrus: that's some zombie [bleep] right there. forget it, everyone for themselves, barricade your doors. remember earlier when i said at the beginning of the show that we've got to be positive? well, i lied to you, america. the only thing i'm positive of is this is a zombie apocalypse. so we all have to stick together. and if we all win maybe, just

maybe, we can make americana live again. [cheers and applause] >> period! >> tyrus: yeah, all right! let's welcome tonight's guests. the greatest thing about his books is they become movies. novelist and literary critic walter kirn [cheers and applause] >> tyrus: her interviews got flagged for unnecessary roughness, host of the michele tafoya podcast, the one and only michele tafoya [cheers and applause] >> tyrus: his shows are like sex. it's just two people having a good time. comedian joe machi. [cheers and applause] >> tyrus: she may be petite but she knows how to compete. fox news contributor and new york times best selling author,

the kat timpf! [cheers and applause] >> tyrus: all right, kat. how do we fix division in this country? what would be your move? if they called you up, the white house called today and said timpf, fix this. what would it be? >> kat: i think that honestly they would just have to do less. you know, it wouldn't be -- they're too involved and everything's so personal because politicians they want it to be personal. because if we hate each other, the more that we hate each other, then the more or the less that we're focused on, you know, what they're doing. and the more that they can convince us to be afraid of each other and we'll, you know, make the case for policies that take away more of our rights. but you said i didn't have to be positive, so -- >> tyrus:. >> tyrus: no, i did, yeah. walter, now before i get into you, walter you know i lost my title, you know, i get it. and we both now own land in montana. and before the show he gave me

another title. he made me a sheriff of my property so i'm very excited because i'm now law and order. >> michele there we go. >> tyrus: thank you. thank you, mr. kirn. and because i wear glasses now and i have the shakes i'll put it on later. walter you've seen it all, in the monologue i was joking but there was a time where we found common ground and something as silly as a beer commercial we all would talk about it. how have we gotten so far away from one single thing. >> walter: greg gutfeld has a hot to do with that. i think he's divided the nation more than anyone. >> tyrus: kat and i have been saying this privately >> kat: yeah but we just say craig butterfield. >> walter: remember when all the late night hosts agreed and greg came along and gave another perspective? america's never recovered from that. i was sitting here trying to

think, can i find something nice to say about president biden, you know, what could it be in the spirit of healing. and i thought, i think the thing i admire most about him is he insists on walking upright. you know, he's at an age and in the kind of shape where he could easily have a wheelchair or a scooter, wheelchair one. [laughter]. >> walter: he could put a little flag on the back and have like a boom box on his lap playing, you know, the star spangled banner. so his insistence on being a bipedal upright human being despite all the setbacks he's faced i think is something we can all cheer for. [cheers and applause] >> tyrus: thank you. michele, you being one of the greatest interviewers in sports history, you were in the middle of some of the greatest rivalry in sport but even with the

rivalries there was a certain amount of respect there. there is no respect anymore when you disagree on something as simple as politics. do you have -- i'm sure you had to interview people who couldn't stand each other. were you ever in a situation where you had to bring it together with one common thing? >> michele yes. but, you know, i've long believed that everything starts in the schools with kids when they're very young. and i think our school system in america is absolutely sick right now. like it's ill, like it's got a cancer. so i have an idea for you now that you're retired. >> tyrus: right. >> michele i think we make you secretary of education. or -- because you've got an educational background right. >> tyrus: that's the rumor yes. >> michele you have some free time now. >> tyrus: yes. >> michele you're a big guy, no one's going to question you. >> tyrus: and i don't have to go home. >> michele and you don't have to go home, you would not have to go home. and you've made a living by fighting bullies in the ring, right? >> tyrus: yes. >> michele you and randy i

weingarten in the ring the head of american federation of teachers, and then you take her down and then you set the rules in education and you make education great again in america. that's what tyrus should do [cheers and applause] >> tyrus: that's the lady who talks with her arm right? >> yes. >> tyrus: she does a lot of this? >> michele she's just -- >> tyrus: machi you're always in controversy, women fighting over you wherever you go, you can't even sit down for a feel without being hit on. as a sex symbol you have to break up cat fights all the time. how do you get both sides to agree and admire you. >> joe: i say ladies, there's plenty of me to go around. i'll say tyrus congratulations on retiring, you have a great career. now that you're out of the way all my road blocks to the title are clear. you're going down ec 3, it's going to stand for ex champ when the ref counts to three, okay?

okay? and i don't, i don't understand like what kind of zombie joe biden is because, i mean, like what kind of zombie has his dogs fight people for him. >> tyrus: he's a lazy zombie, mr. kirn staestablished that. even zombies get old. i don't know if that's true. before we go come out and check out my live events in alabama, virginia, tennessee, texas and more. go to my link tree on my instagram or twitter for ticket information. up next the wide open border and criminal disorder. [cheers and applause] >> if you'll be in the new york area and would like tickets to see gutfeld, go to foxnews.com/gutfeld and click on the link to join our studio audience. ♪ ♪ when you have chronic kidney disease... there are places you'd like to be.

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♪ yikes. well, nothing to see here. [cheers and applause] >> tyrus: yep. oh, you're so sweet. yep, nothing to see here from the border mess to cities in distress. i'm rhyming. first up three armed dudes robbed a local news crew in chicago while they were, get this, reporting on robberies. but, according to the federal government, there's nothing to see here. mean while a smuggler with connection toss ice is terrorists is accused of smuggling uzbekistan through the border and now officials are trying to find them. a wide open border but again nothing to see here. so exclusively here tonight we went to authorities for comment. >> all right, move on, nothing

to see here. please disburse. nothing to see here. [cheers and applause] never gets old. machi, which do you want to tackle first which is ridiculous. >> joe: let's take the reporters getting robbed while reporting on crime, that sounds hilarious. because these criminals have unwittingly given everyone a great excuse. i didn't get greg a birthday present. i have it in chicago but i got robbed. because you didn't have to do your job, they didn't have to turn anything in because they got robbed. >> tyrus: can you just imagine the camera man, like, hey, i don't know if anyone's going to believe this story, and then he gets robbed at gunpoint. the one nice thing was, though, is that the criminals were bilingual, michele, so the school system is working a little bit in chicago. >> michele yeah. that's -- that fills me with

such hope. doesn't it? that story is unbelievable. but you know what, it is believable because you can have, at university of north carolina, a ph.d. student walk in and shoot a professor, so awful, awful story. that gets headlines. but 12 people die every weekend in chicago and no one cares. no one seems to care. and then with the border thing, it's like so embarrassing. we're the country that, like, helped bring down hitler helped end world war ii. we had the greatest military in the world they say and we can't secure our own borders and we can't keep criminals from robbing news crews. right now it's embarrassing. it really is. >> tyrus: that's probably the best word. walter, you know, we own land in montana. >> walter: yeah. >> tyrus: and if that stuff, someone tried to sneak into montana i don't think it would go as easy as it is at the border right now. because uzbekistan isn't that

where borat was from? aren't they easy to spot >> kat: i'm a scholar. >> tyrus: hear that bret baier get her on the panel. >> michele all things kazakhstan. >> walter: now that you're sheriff tyrus i wouldn't come near montana if i was a legal criminal. but i think the story that really sticks with me is the idea of these guys stealing camera equipment. i think the cartels are ready to start their own cable news channel. and they're going to do the news from their point of view. like it's a clear day at the border, load up on the fentanyl, come on guys. or, you know, the price of heroin's up, that will be their financial segment. today in cincinnati, we robbed -- we did four carjackings, we got one ferrari nobody resisted.

tomorrow we are he a aiming for a ma clarn. a criminal news story where they give their point of view and act like they're in control in the way they generally are now would be a real addition. >> tyrus: they're not even hiding it. literally -- they used to hide the firearms now they walk across the border with the firearms. that's emboldened. >> walter: when you steal a camera from a news crew, you know you're going to be on the news, right? i mean that's one way to guarantee you are you're going to be on the news. this was bragging. this wasn't just a crime. this was what can you do to me? nothing >> kat: or they're worried their family was going to get hungry and it was a choice between that and getting them those cameras to eat. >> tyrus: right. and the good news is cameras are low on calories so that will work with the obesity epidemic if you eat more cameras and less bread >> kat: yeah. also this might be a stoop educate question but it never stopped me before.

>> tyrus: have you seen the sniffed >> kat: what does isis mean? links to isis. i haven't been a reporter for years but if someone said that to me i would say what do you mean? what are the links? >> tyrus: are you part-time isis? you have the assist >> kat: they're not part of the terror operation and cnn says people in the fbi said some stuff and we didn't have any questions. but maybe i'm just too curious. >> tyrus: that is a great point how are you linked like he shares his link tree? >> kat: right exactly. maybe you had a stand witch with the guy one time you didn't know? that's very different. >> joe: they dropped the cell phone and somebody picked it up and found tik toks of beheadings on it >> kat: that would be concerning. >> joe: it's like marriage. that one annoying

brother-in-law. >> tyrus: there's one in every family. and if you don't know who it is, it's you. >> up next, the audience gets the glory when they choose the information. let innovation refunds help with your erc tax refund so you can improve your business however you see fit. rosie used part of her refund to build an outdoor patio. clink! dr. marshall used part of his refund to give his practice a facelift. emily used part of her refund to buy... i run a wax museum.

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the audience decides the story [cheers and applause] >> tyrus: okay. you know how this works. the little guy's gone, his

favorite story's back and we're not going to talk about it but we're going to pretend like we're trying to talk about it. so audience i need you for once to do this. all right, i'm going to give you two stories and you applaud for the story you want to hear. here is story one. i will explain the mating hab its of the bearded dragon. >> woo, yeah! woo! >> tyrus: bearded dragon! oh, god. second option, the canadian teacher with the giant fake breasts [cheers and applause]

>> tyrus: all my notes on bearded dragons. [laughter] >> tyrus: okay, sickos, the teacher it is. you remember kayla lemieux. she was put on leave at her old school because of security concerns over her presence teaching kids. but now she's been given a job at a new school and parents are furious calling it the definition of insanity. much like this crowd. [cheers and applause] >> tyrus: michele, listen, i don't think any parent has a problem with there being a trans teacher if they're a good teacher. i think the problem is the optics. why the giant mamory glands with the paper plates for niples for everyone to see.

listen be what you want be who you want to be i have no issue. but reverse that. what if i decided to wear medium spandex shorts to work every day with a shirted that said i'm blessed i'm well hung arrow points down and then the back of my shirt said i have clydesdale dna check it out. just me talking about it makes the audience sick but what if i did it? it would be completely inappropriate right? >> michele absolutely. i will say on behalf of small breasted women everywhere, can this guy just spread the wealth, a little bit. this is in canada so it's good to know our neighbors to the north are as stupid about schooling as we are. you are putting a complete and utter distraction inside a classroom and on a school property. this is so dumb. this is like, you take the cop everyone knows is bad and has done bad things and you move him

over to another precinct. they've taken this teacher who has proven to be a total distraction -- we're in a weird world where this is supposed to be acceptable and normal it is not. >> tyrus: this teacher is literally the definition of a bad apple. literally. >> michele yeah. >> tyrus: joe the office says you messages all the time you can't wear short sleeve shirts because of your biceps. do you think it's fair she can wear giant -- it's the outfit. >> joe: i will make a deal with hr i will not wear my mesh tank tops to work anymore if i get that shirt that you just described. [cheers and applause] >> joe: i'll say this. i can think of two giant reasons why this teacher shouldn't be teaching at another school. one it's a distraction. two people's eyes are going to get poked out. this isn't a trans issue this is

a government schools issue because trans people don't walk around with giant cosmetic boobs. this is a troll that theory' scared of letting go because they're afraid of being called a mean name. >> tyrus: yeah because suddenly being honest is being mean. walter your parent teacher conference, how would this go? >> walter: well, the thing that bothered me about these breasts of hers is how low they are. [laughter]. >> walter: they really ride low. and the nipples, too, which you properly commented on, are like sharpened hockey pucks. [laughter]. >> walter: but even worse is the fact that she doesn't teach history. do you know what she teaches? shop. okay? there's kids learning to use like drill presses and ban saws, and somebody's going to lose a

hand. >> tyrus: or worse, 'cause she likes to cut wood. >> walter: well, any kid who actually gets wood in that classroom -- >> tyrus: if there's a lumber shortage. >> walter: i would have a big lumber shortage if i was in that classroom. [laughter] >> tyrus: now, kat, i am so sorry because, like me, maybe even a little more than me, you hate this story. >> kat: yeah, i've just been asked to comment on it a lot and i'm out of things to say but i think it was a brilliant move for you to put it on tonight because now greg doesn't get to do it. >> tyrus: yes. >> kat: and we did it, we're doing a segment on it. he would probably want to do a whole monologue on it, and one segment per [bleep]. he doesn't get to do any of that. he doesn't get to do any of that. so i would like to use my time

to say to greg sucks to be you right now you don't get to do this story. >> tyrus: you know he's somewhere on his knees yelling no >> kat: he's so upset. >> tyrus: take that butterfield >> kat: craig butter kneeled coming up they're suing for relief claiming that the burgers were low on meat. [cheers and applause] if you'll be in the new york area and would like tickets to see gutfeld, go to foxnews.com/gutfeld and click on the link to join our studio audience. ♪ martial arts is my passion. i work out whenever i can. but with my moderate- to-severe eczema, it can be tough. my skin was so uncomfortable. the itching was so bad. now, i'm staying ahead of my eczema. there's a power inside all of us to live our passion. and dupixent works on the inside to help heal your skin from within. it helps block a key source of inflammation

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whoa scram fast food fury. >> tyrus: welcome to fast food fury i'm your chef tyrus. the part of the show angry take their favorite fast food to court. yes this is a real thing. first up a class action lawsuit alleges that burger king advertises its whoopers to make them look 35% bigger than they really are. burger king calls the claims false. and earlier this summer, a guy sued taco bell claiming his mexican pizza only had half as much beef filling than advertised. we reached out for taco bell but there's been no response yet. now, kat, how do you think he came up with the number 35%? >> kat: i have no idea. i think this is absurd. i think it's absurd because all advertising is false advertising. nothing ever looks like it looks on the commercial ever. right? if you saw a commercial for axe body spray, you would think it's a spray that gives you absence right? >> tyrus: and women follow you around everywhere and want to smell you >> kat: or a tampon commercial you think what it does you put

one in and you're magically at the beach. [laughter] >> kat: all advertising is false. grow up. >> joe: i thought menstrual blood was blue. >> tyrus: i'm with you, i always thought once they put it in they become in a good mood. [laughter] >> tyrus: walter, you're up. >> walter: i don't think it's that whoopers have gotten smaller. i think it's that the average burger king customer has gotten much bigger. if they ate less whoopers, the whopper might look big to them againment but, you know, kat's right. so i always tell people my

whopper's a lot bigger than it turns out to be, too. but that's -- that only works on people who haven't seen a lot of whoopers. [laughter] >> so, you know, burger king, take the signs down and surprise people. you know, see, that's what all whoopers look like. you know? don't show the sign. that's my advice. yeah. >> tyrus: yeah. so instead of going like this, just go --. >> walter: right, right. >> tyrus: come over. >> walter: right. >> tyrus: got it. >> walter: and hire clerks that go, here's your whopper, you know, and use both hands and lift it over the thing. like i don't think you can handle it but, you know -- [laughter] >> tyrus: yeah, it is a lot of -- kat is so right. i mean, has there ever been anything that has been

advertised that's been exactly how we thought it was going to be. >> michele maybe the wood shop teacher in canada. they could hire that teacher, you know, kind of like dylan mulvaney worked for bud light. >> tyrus: that worked out beautifully. >> michele it worked out perfect. she's got whoopers. and they could use her as the -- him --. >> walter: but the whoopers would look very small next to her. >> michele that's a good point, really good point. i hadn't thought that all the way through, thank you walter for putting a damper on that. but, you know what? people are pissed at shrink flailings. now you're right. we're all bigger but there is shrinkflation. even my kids recognize it. you get a thing of pringles and they're half way full now. they're mad people are mad. >> walter: when people see my whopper i say it's shrink

flation too. >> michele it's bidenomics. >> walter: exactly. >> michele inflation reduction act. >> kat: oh, that one was too far, huh? >> tyrus: you can cut wood off, but, nope, not inflation. what if they use models with smaller hands. someone with smaller hands everything looks bigger in it. >> joe: that's a good point because the only thing i said in this was i thought menstrual blood was blue. i'll say this tyrus, whatever the reasoning, i hope this suit fails because there's some of us who have been honestly trying to sue fast food restaurants by pouring coffee on their genitals so there can't be an easier way. [laughter] >> tyrus: oh, man. up next, are they flying in the

right direction with a no kids section? [cheers and applause] car i so you only pay for what you need. that's my boy. ♪ stay off the freeways! only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty. ♪ looking for a bladder leak pad that keeps you dry? all of the things that you're looking for in a pad, that is always discreet. look at how it absorbs all of the liquid. and locking it right on in! you feel no wetness. - oh my gosh! - totally absorbed! i got to get some always discreet!

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♪ >> a story in five words. >> tyrus: no kids section on the planes. kat, do you think this is going to be a good idea?

an airplane, small airplane company that no one's ever heard of, if you pay an extra 109 bucks you can have a section with no kids in it >> kat: i think it's a wonderful scam. >> tyrus: i agree >> kat: i don't know if you guys know this about kids, but sometimes they're not in your section and you can still hear them. >> tyrus: yeah. are they going to put plastic wrap? >> kat: kids, no, this is your section. they don't listen, because they're kids. so you do a child free plane or you can just like, you know, have no kids on the plane then that would be different. but a section, no. >> tyrus: crying babies designed to echo through and alert every adult that they're uncomfortable. like you're fighting science here walter. >> walter: well, i think they should hang a curtain between this section and the other section. the mile high club is about to get a lot bigger. [laughter].

>> walter: i've, at times, been worried about my seat mates seeing about what i'm looking at on my laptop, but it's anything goes now. but, you know, i do think that -- how can i put this? adults used to fly almost exclusively. they didn't even used to let kids on planes. it was too expensive. and getting back into that disco 60s and 70s style of flying with the short-skirted, you know, flight attendants and the porn, and the way it was during madmen days, i can't wait for it to come back >> kat: i think you should start an airline. >> walter kirn airline >> kat: walter kirn's adult airline. >> tyrus: everything goes. >> walter: yeah. >> tyrus: but kids.

>> kat: i love it >> with kirn. >> tyrus: speaking of kirn. >> sorry, yes. >> tyrus: would you partake in this section without the acutriman? >> i'll avoid that. i would not pay the extra because like you both said you're going to hear it no matter what. >> tyrus: sore smell it. >> or smell it. and you know what there's always the end of the section. if you're way in front of the section you might get a couple des approximatelies lower. it's like smoking or non-smoking if you're in the last row of non-smoking you get the first row of the smoke so it won't make a difference. >> tyrus: what if they put the kids in the luggage carrier? [cheers and applause]

>> joe: they'll die. you can't do that. i, for one, i like it when the kids cry and scream because it masks my crying and screaming. plus, like, i don't understand why people are that upset. it's just an annoying kids sitting there. they're much smaller. honestly, no offense, tyrus, but if i'm in a row and there's no one in the middle seat and i see you and a kid walking up to me, i'm like, kid, kid, kid, kid, kid [laughter] >> tyrus: that's funny because the kid's yelling adult adult adult adult. >> walter: you know those poor workers that come rushing to the plane as the people are deplaining to clean up, it's going to be condoms, panties. >> tyrus: you're not going to

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>> reporter: final thoughts, machi, you've got some shows. >> that's right, tyrus, you can catch this weekend and september in reading pa with greg gutfeld and october 24th shamrock comedy club fort lauderdale. thanks >> tyrus: he did all of that

without blinking. that is impressive. special thanks walter kirn, michele tafoya, joe machi, kat timpf and our studio audience. fox news at night with trace gallagher is next. on behalf of greg, gene, tom, the whole gutfeld staff, i'm tyrus. we love you america. ♪ [cheers and applause] >> trace: good evening i'm trace gallagher, it's 11:00 p.m. on the east coast, 8:00 here in los angeles and this is america's late news, fox news at night. and breaking tonight, another brazen smash and grab robbery in california, this time it's for a half million dollars in jules. and, by the way, did you know in california, beating up your spouse is not considered a violent crime. common sense has thoughts. hurricane idalia takes florida governor ron desantis off the campaign trail but not off the airwaves. how this disaster may actually benefit his campaign. but we begin with rescue and