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tv   Gutfeld  FOX News  September 13, 2023 7:00pm-8:00pm PDT

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that is it. >> we have to hide the nike. >> sean: that is all the time we have left. tomorrow night, live studio audience. tickets are free. set your dvr and never miss an episode. greg gutfeld will put a smile on your face. have a great night. >> good evening, you capitalist pigs. there was a time when i love my audience. most of you were paper trained and could take a punch. it is like a circus except the bearded ladies are at swim
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meets. but then i picked up a copy of "forbes" magazine while i was in the waiting room. they once loved their audience, to bang. the magazine used to be focused on helping readers achieve better lives for themselves and their families. they were bought by a fund from china's wealth funds. thanks to forbes, i understand wealth is evil. just like their readers. this from the magazine founded by malcolm forbes. capitalism is evil, which means america is evil, which means all of you are evil. forbes has your number, terrible people. let's look at recent headlines. wake up, be woke, and lead the
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change. overcoming opposition. emelia taught me that my resistance to going woke is due to my fear of change and losing power and privilege and my bias and my prejudice. what a relief. i thought it was because i was allergic to [bleep]. sounds like when i talk to cat on a phone through prism plexiglass. transparent communication means sit quietly while i scream at you. here is another gem from forbes. the right wants to strip gaze of their hard-won human rights.
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raikes is so right. i didn't know that you jerks want gaze not to vote. have you no shame? i want voting to be more friendly, like having booths with glory holes. if you think i make too many juvenile jokes, may i remind you, i have several men on my staff. [laughter] now comes the latest piece in forbes to hate on evil capitalists. he details studies that link getting rich with unethical behavior, including the lax attitude towards rules, skewed ethical compass, inconsideration and overemphasis on winning. sounds like my old match.com
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profile. in other words, affluent people are the worst. when you are use to be an icon of wealth on the engine that kept them afloat. i haven't seen that since playboy featured rosie o'donnell. wall street favors dems over republicans. what if they overwhelm the schools? their kids go private. your daughter lost a bike race to a man, by her a faster ferrari. what in the name of adam smith is going on here. there are some serious self hating going on. i haven't seen anyone beat on themselves this hard since carlos danger. while they try to cloak it in
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calls for equity and diversity, nothing wiles of progressives like american success. nowhere else will self-reliance and hard work be reliably rewarded. where else can an immigrant become the richest man in the world with nothing more than his brain and a hair transplant? will success happen every time? of course not. sometimes you will get rewarded even though you are nothing but a drain on society. not everyone can have a hit book, a hit show, and be at the same time. >> not her. not him, either. who is this cameraman? >> my cousin.
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>> for all of their whiny virtues signaling, the system is not only why people here can achieve so much success, it is why america continues to lead the world even when our current leader goes astray and it is why someone is willing to pay them to write these stupid cliches. here is the great news for forbes. u.s. household incomes fell for the third straight year. thanks to the high cost of housing and economic downturns, more and more baby boomers are becoming homeless. whose basements will their kids live in? forbes will get its way and the rich won't be able to do bad things because they will not insist and we will all be poor but really good people because the poor are angels. if forbes gets his way, we will be taking financial advice from these folks. america is not known as the land
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of precisely equal outcomes. we are the land of opportunity and you have to work for it, you have to earn it. there are so many that still can and still do. i started out as a wisecracking columnist for a small magazine and now i own ten slaughterhouses. it is why there is not a line waiting to get into uruguay. except from their neighbors. i guess i love you all again because you have earned your success, despite what forbes believes, despite whatever level of the american dream you have achieved, you are entitled to enjoy it, starting with tonight's show. >> let's welcome tonight's guests. comedian joe derosa.
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his name rhymes with colombo. brad palombo. her arms can be used as flyswatter's. kat timpf. police found 100 escaped convicts hiding in his shoes. joe, how are you? >> great. >> you look fantastic. >> i earned this. >> he is a small business owner. you run a sandwich shop downtown, joe's subs. >> i have never been there, don't plan to go. >> i don't go often myself.
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>> do you enjoy ruining the lives of so many people with your capitalist values? >> absolutely. i paid a ton of dues and i have nothing. i have earned every bit of it. i mentioned the land of opportunity and we have done just enough to get by and that is what i have done. i have done what i feel like doing with a chip on my shoulder for the last 20 years and it has been good enough to pay rent in new york city. >> you never change. >> i know. >> go there while it is still open.
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what does it say when forbes is complaining about capitalism? >> for a long time we thought the woke stuff would stay on college campuses but we are seeing it leave and go with them into their jobs in corporate america and i can tell you i am on youtube and tick tock and i see this eat the rich mentality all the time. they don't realize how blind they are to the successes of capitalism they are. they get amazon packages delivered the same day they are liking tweets calling for jeff bezos to be sent to the guillotine. they don't realize under capitalism people get stupid rich. they do it by meeting other people's needs. only about 2% of the wealth the innovators create goes in their bank accounts. people should be lauding jeff bezos as of the world, not ditching and moaning about them.
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>> you made about 2% off your sandwich shop. >> that is very generous of you. >> there are good rich people, good poor people, there are bad for people. the problem with this mentality is the human condition is not reflected by a group of assumptions but individual qualities and in the woke world always see or are supposed to see our groups. >> there were several paragraphs devoted to how richmond sheet in relationships. he lets me know they never dated a woke die. they cheat, to bang. they have a lot more time on their hands. you will be at work and they will be at work, to.
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i don't know. it is easier to demonize than it is to acknowledge that maybe you didn't get what she wanted to get out of life, which people do all the time. when it comes to a lot of things and money is no different. >> i have never been mugged by a rich person but i have never been swindled by a poor person. why do we have to talk like these are different people? >> when rich guys cheat, it is called outsourcing. and when women do it it is called our faults. it all works out. this is virtues signaling at the highest point. she is sitting on her perch from her office, sipping her tea, going you don't want this, this is such a burden. be thankful you are in the squalor. it is better there.
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i wish i could be there with you but i have to stay here. eliminate the competition, set the bar low. white people, you are racist. stick to your plantations and your old school money and your privilege and we will take it from here. you set that mob mentality where everyone is at their throats and you are sitting back in the luxury of your first world apartment narrating for us. you are not morgan freeman. you are a hypocrite. when something happens to them, then it is an individual sport. if he wasn't illegal alien, we would have to do something about the border. if he was white, no more cowboy hats. all of a sudden it is an individual sport. she is an equity higher, so nobody is going to challenge her
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because if they do, racist, or sexist, or whatever. >> just add race to every story. >> it is very interesting, like the classic religious hustle. >> stay poor, stay wanting, stay meeting. it is righteous. >> look away as i sipped from a golden chalice. >> by the way, your sandwiches are delicious. >> that peanut butter and jelly, phenomenal. >> up next, something nefarious at the cia.
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...a clown! sorry, what app was it again? no, no. just give me a second... amateurs. ohhh! sorry everybody. directv sports central gives you access to every game... ...so you never have to compromise on gameday. ...was that necessary? i was just illustrating a point. oh. get in the redzone with sports pack. call 1-800-directv (ella) fashion moves fast. (jen) so we partner with verizon to take our operations to the next level. (marquis) with a custom private 5g network. (ella) we get more control of production, efficiencies, and greater agility. (jen) that's enterprise intelligence. (vo) it's your vision, it's your verizon.
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here's why you should switch fo to duckduckgo on all your devie duckduckgo comes with a built-n engine like google, but it's pi and doesn't spy on your searchs and duckduckgo lets you browse like chrome, but it blocks cooi and creepy ads that follow youa from google and other companie. and there's no catch. it's fre. we make money from ads, but they don't follow you aroud join the millions of people taking back their privacy by downloading duckduckgo on all your devices today. >> from jfk to the covid crimes, has the cia been lying all this time? an anonymous whistle-blower is alleging the intel agency paid covid investigators money to change their view of the virus
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origins. that's great. i already killed 800 endangered pangolin's. on the bright side, you can order a pangolin sandwich at joe's deli. >> that is pretty mean. >> the whistle-blower claims incentives caused him to change incentives to saying the origin and was unable to be determined. unable to be determined. it is like the source of white house cocaine or joe mackey's gender. we are finally realizing the magic bullet theory behind jfk's assassination has more holes in it than hunter biden's septum. the theory that he was killed by one bullet by one man. they are telling
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"the new york times" he is starting to doubt himself and wondered if there really was one shooter after all. if the bullet we know. the central thesis of the war report, the single bullet theory is wrong and would open the door to multiple shooters, or the obvious conclusion, there was someone else there at the grassy knoll. how did that picture get up there? i did not put up there. please don't kill me. i am skeptical of an anonymous whistle-blower. let's say it is not a bribe, let's say it is a bonus or incentive. that makes sense to me. >> it makes sense to me. i find myself jealous of the federal government.
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when i want to pay someone to lie to me, i have to make an appointment with my therapist and that is not cheap. i don't think they want us to have answers. >> they have incentives to put narratives out there that are
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different from the truth. with this whistle-blower, i don't know if it is true, but if it is true, it is frustrating because the cia does not have money. it is our money. that would mean the cia is paying people our money to lie to us. >> what i find interesting is how the media amplifies these stories. that leads me to believe it is not just the cia, but it is the media. >> some of it, you have to put on us. journalism is truly dead. magic bullet, he found the one that missed. oswald was a good shot.
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>> i will tell you why i am so curious. i am not a vaccine, i was not against the vaccine. the truth about covid is so d dark. there is no movie about it. every crisis, especially that has conspiracies connected to it. there is a movie about it immediately. they made movies about trump and clinton when they were still in office.
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they made 22 movies about jfk in one of them is four hours long. i can't g get a miniseries about covid? >> it will be a glowing documentary. >> that was probably the greatest thing you have ever said on the show. >> he read from books that are sleazy to make democrats queasy. so i didn't think i needed swiffer, until, i saw how easily it picked up my hair every time i dried it! only takes a minute. look at that! the heavy duty cloths are extra thick, for amazing trap & lock. even for his hair.
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>> our video of the day comes from john kennedy, who read explicit excerpts from two books geared towards teenagers. one is genderqueer and all boys aren't blue. he did it during a hearing about book bands. children, gather around and tell them uncle gutfeld is on. >> i began to slide into him from behind. i pulled out of him and kissed him while he . he asked me to turn over while he slipped a on himself. i was struggling to imagine someone inside of me.
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>> how did they get that voice mail you left me last night? >> he got on top and inserted himself into me. it was the worst pain i think i have ever felt in my life. eventually, i felt a mix of pleasure with pain. >> i don't know about you, but i am turned on. it doesn't help that he looks like grandma clampett. that is for kids and people are upset he read that in congress but they are not upset that is being given to children. you don't have to be a prude to find that disgusting.
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what we are going to have to do is compromise and say the book can be in the library but only an audiobook read by him. it is even better than banning it. no one is checking that out. >> are you going to defend that book? >> first of all, the book is a memoir. when i was a kid, they made us read a book that was written by anonymous and it was about a woman getting hooked on heroin and other drugs, herself and they are leaving out a story that this is a guys memoir and kids, what age? this is for 15, 16, 17-year-old kids.
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i am asking. >> let's take the out of it. let's make it talking about them having together. still, it is inappropriate. that is for mom and dad, not for school. here is the deal. being or straight, is the byproduct of it. the feelings come of the emotions, the love, respecting each other, those are the lessons you want to teach. when you get into talking about, you don't know the maturity level. my 9-year-old is more mature than my 13-year-old. it is a slippery slope. don't laugh. that is not the call for the schools. that is a book, once you talk about in and out of things, you
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couldn't put that in the school. they are going to have questions in the worst thing you are to have happen is i want to try this out. >> i am the only gay person here. i find it offensive that progressives are defending stuff like this in the name of gay rights. most gay people don't think it is appropriate to have sexually explicit content in middle school. not even high school. these books are not being ba banned. let's leave the sexually explicit content out of school libraries and if parents or kids want to read it, maybe that is all right for your kid,
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but it doesn't need to be in school. gay people are maligned unfairly for decades. susan, with pronouns in her bio, pushing this, saying gay rights, you are not helping, stop helping. >> in the trans arena, it is not trans people, it is usually activists. >> i don't disagree with what you are saying. my biggest gripe with all of this is it is parents on either side of the file, they want to
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be helicopter parents while giving their kids complete autonomy and having everybody do the heavy lifting. you don't want to raise your kids, you just want to have your kids. you don't send it off to a professional at an institution for it to be serviced and kept up with. you need to raise it. parents should be having final say in what their kids are able to handle or what they are not. some kids were able to watch r-rated movies and some are not. >> but they are not in school. >> i get that. i agree. >> the act, if my daughter is reading a book about what it is like to have and they do the same thing, i am snatching that book away. that is a conversation for us and i don't want my kids to think showing love and being is about. >> we can all agree, i look
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great tonight. thank you. i do look better in person. coming up, jesse rears his ugly head to revive his reputation from the dead. (dad) we got our subaru forester wilderness to discover all of the places that make us feel something more.
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>> the world's worst liar refuses to retire. he is appealing his convictions. he lied and near started a race war. he is on the street. if he goes to jail, will he beat himself up over it? no. he will be fine. if he could beat himself up, he would have. he wouldn't hire out. he wouldn't outsource. maybe, if he gets the right training. he is not going to stop. he is going to continue because that is all he can do. he has to love the lie. i have respect for them. if you are going down with the ship, go down with the ship. you are not going to believe this, went to chick-fil-a and
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got attacked again. when will this stop. >> he has the cork camera on him at this point. i don't know why he doesn't do the 150 days. i could do it and i didn't do anything wrong. >> identify as a woman, go to a woman's prison. >> he has the same problem. he cannot fight. >> i am not mad at the lawyers.
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i don't feel comfortable calling him juicy. i don't care for this. >> there it is. you got one. i am not mad at his lawyers for doing this. lawyers are like real estate agents. their job is to get you the best deal they can and if you have ever bought a house, you know what i mean. my real estate agent would say things like we are going to say we need the kids with the house. that is insane. that is what their job is. they are going in and try to get the best deal possible. >> i think the lawyers would like him to go to jail and get this behind him because he doesn't have money. >> he doesn't have any chance of
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convincing people he wasn't lying. when does a hate crime perfectly overlap with your fetish? you are telling me two beefcake black guys just degraded and roughed him up out of nowhere? this is him projecting and trying to pretend he got a hate crime out of it. there was too much specificity. liberal in particular have a thing for republican. it is a thing. >> i guess you would know. i am not going to question you. that just came out of my mouth. i apologize. >> he should follow in lori lightfoot's steps and teach
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at harvard on how to make a convincing noose. >> there is a lot of public outcry, why don't you denounce him publicly for having lied and a guy making a claim like this happening at the time he made it, despite what you think you know, calling him out on that is when you meet a woman with a big belly and you say i am not going to say you are pregnant, even though i am pretty sure you are pregnant. i am not surprised the people that didn't support him publicly didn't roll over. >> it would be funny if they did it now. >> it wasn't just that.
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when you are on tv in the green room and everyone knows it is a lie but no one has the guts to say it because of that reason. >> every black american new, we just didn't want to admit it. lynches do not happen in the snow. find one. you will not. it is the winter time. it is cold. the snow brings us together. up next, will cardboard and pros get someone to propose? are now for your whole body. plus, fast-working crepe corrector diminishes wrinkled skin in just two days. gold bond. champion your skin.
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and duckduckgo lets you browse like chrome, but it blocks cooi and creepy ads that follow youa from google and other companie. and there's no catch. it's fre. we make money from ads, but they don't follow you aroud join the millions of people taking back their privacy by downloading duckduckgo on all your devices today.
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>> looking popped off, so that's great. it's all fun, sincere. here's the thing. here's the thing. what's funny is if she was looking for attention, and she does wind up with the husband accidentally. that would be hilarious. we follow up on it. she's like, oh, i'm kind of like still looking, natch. she'll be married brad, i'm going to do an imitation of perhaps your mother. you're single seems nice. ah look, i can't blame her because i'm not single anymore. but when i was these dating apps are bleak uses these dating apps and it's like doom scrolling. it's this illusion of unlimited begins with g your then we know what it's your fault. welfare but i'm serious
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according. to a letter he wrote to a girlfriend. okay joe single, you're still single. you're always gonna be single article. probably no, that's not an insult. it's a badge of honor. and i get the ladies people, don't you do i know you think that's weird looking at me thinks it's weird. nobody in the crowd went wrong. i don't believe in an antiquated institution that was designed when women weren't allowed to work or think, okay. sorry i
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don't. i'm not doing the thing that was built around people dying at 31. that's why it worked. yeah yeah. no. yeah i'm a big believer in being single . and i was gonna say what cyrus said already. that was my joke, dammit. but we're going to ask me sorry i didn't have a question and we're almost over. so you're done. okay well, she you know she'd have a better chance. getting a husband with his son said will work for food. you go. there you go. nice. and on the lap. no you see himself love them. we'll be right back. i. i'm laura ingram. i think my first memory of politics and the political process was really when i was in high school, and i think, as i recall, there was only one table for ronald reagan. it was like the math kids and myself
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when they called the election for reagan. i think i jumped 5 ft in the air was so stoked. we needed a change and i think now we're at that same point. let me be direct. you're watching football wrong. what do you call the guy in face paint that can get the game clown. what happened? was it again? just give me a second amateurs. sorry everybody. direct tv sports central gives you access to every game. so you never have to compromise on game day . was that necessary? just illustrating a 0.0 zone with sports back call 1 800 direct tv billion people lack access to safe surgery. thousands of children are suffering and dying from treatable causes. for 40 years, mercy ships has deployed floating hospitals to provide the free surgeries. these children need join us together, we can get give
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>> greg: we're out of time thanks toss joe, kat timpf, tyrus, and our studio audience, fox news at night with dreamy trace gallagher is next. i love you america. >> trace: good evening i'm trace gallagher 11:00 p.m. on the east coast, 8:00 here in los angeles, and this is america's late news, fox news at night. and breaking tonight, another california school board meeting got very heated and once again sheriff's deputies were called in to break it up. this time it was all about flags. one school board saying it will only allow schools to fly two flags. matt finn is live with more on the decision and the backlash. matt good evening. >> reporter: good evening trace, the school board voted 2-1 last night to only allow the american and state flag on

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