greg gutfeld standing by this friday night to put a smile on your face, have a great weekend. [cheering and applause]

[cheering and applause] >> get enough, fair enough. all right, i will stay. but only for one drink. it is friday so you know what that means. let's welcome tonight to cast. his razors are the opposite of his act, not terrible. comedian and founder of western razor company, david angelo. she says bless your heart before she rips you apart, cohost of the bottom line. he made his bones killed bad guys with drones, the national security analyst and fox news contributor! [cheering and applause] she went from having scabies

to making babies. the best-selling author, cat! [cheering and applause] >> greg: that's my favourite rhyme. scabies and babies. >> that's accurate. >> greg: awesome. before we get to new stories, let's do this. >> announcer: greg's leftovers! >> greg: time for leftovers where read the jokes we did not use this weekend is always it is my first time reading them so if they suck we will just blame the -- blame the writers. donald trump is doing a rally in butler, pennsylvania, last month the same town where he was shot. not to be outdone by and will also return to the scene where he almost died. [laughter]

>> greg: joy and wanda fear that donald trump will put comedians in jail. good news ladies, you're both safe. [laughter] >> greg: a woman who ate nothing but sardines for three months says she lost 35 pounds and it cured her chronic medical complaints. plus she has a new boyfriend. i loved his music. disgraced former governor is reportedly considering a run for new york city mayor. he is already campaigning for the youth vote since he killed all of the old people. slight exaggeration. only some. joe biden referred to j.d. vance as a secretary during an event yesterday. even more absurd you refute -- referred to his wife as a doctor.

mark zuckerberg unveiled a new holographic smart glasses this week, look at them. they will allow users to translate words spoken in foreign countries so you can hear what a [bleep] dork in 24 languages. [laughter] this week, former nascar driver danica patrick endorsed trump and then said she wanted to help make america great again. and i say what a better way for her to do that then to stop encouraging women to drive. sexist, i know. i'm glad you caught that sexism. singer lana del rey married an alligator tour guide, which may help if one day she ever opens for madonna. [laughter] sorry! earlier today, israel's

prime minister addressed the u.n. general assembly. to make sure that the pro-hamas protesters wouldn't show up late, he offered to page them first. [applause] vice president harris finally paid a visit to our southern border and while she spoke to reporters, your husband interviewed potential nannies. this week, prince harry screamed with terror as he navigated a haunted house with jimmy fallon. harry said the scariest part was being confronted by the ghost of his missing testicles. the most sexually active australian woman says she's meeting her goal of sleeping with 600 men this year. i wonder if she counts those who banged her in the outback.

that's a large part of the country. p. diddy and crypto fraudsters sam bankman-fried are bunk mates in jail. did he said he is thrilled to have been paired up with someone with such a nice rack. california's plastic bag ban is now in effect. prompting nancy pelosi to go into hiding. [cheering and applause] terrible. announcing a two day route from chicago to florida. it is the only trip where a one-way ticket is more expensive than the round-trip. see, because no one wants to go back to chicago. so that's why the one way is more expensive. round-trip. thank you, sir! [laughter] i knew that would take a while.

and finally, the world's largest cheesecake was served at a cream cheese festival in new york. it isn't the largest largest anymore, said one man. cheap! but it always works. two days have come and gone since kamala harris' first big girl interview and the media is beginning to notice what we have known for a while. that the more you hear from her, the more you understand why the left does not want you to hear from her. check out her greatest hits from wednesday night. >> but we are going to have to raise corporate taxes and we're going to have to raise -- we will have to make sure that the biggest corporations and billionaires pay their fair share. that is looking holistically at the connection between that and housing. and looking holistically at the incentives we in the federal government could create to

actually engage in planning and holistic manner. >> just want to ask you yes or no. at any point in your life have you served to all beef patties, special sauce, pickles, seed working at mcdonald's,, yes or no? >> i have. >> greg: sure you have, kamala. and brian just opened a 24-hour health club. [laughter] i love how she never says where this mcdonald's was. you want lies with that shake? at least working with biden has taught her what a number 2 is. and it's not a cheeseburger combo. but the interview was such a disaster that even "the new york times" couldn't spin it. they tore her interview apart like gnawing through a platter of pulled pork sandwiches. here's the quote. ms. harris respond to the fairly basic and predictable questions with roundabout responses that did not provide a substantive answer. or this. a hard-hitting harris interview

is yet to come. wow. where this. it's not quite clear what she gained beyond getting her campaign the ability to say she held a one-on-one cable-television interview. now that may sound mild to you but for the times, that is them losing their collective [bleep]. even they knew that when she talked, she made a ball of yarn sound like socrates. , a lot -- kamala is so bad this days it's causing some of the u.n. to drink. [laughter] >> greg: that was the transitional leader of haiti. i want to see it again. i would say someone get that many plastic straw, too bad they are banned.

so while they push harris on us like a reverse mortgage at a time-share, they also tried to hide who she actually is. it is a catch-22. we are witnessing an election version of hiding kids presence until christmas morning. except the gifts are a pile of rapid manure and the parents are the democratic party and the media. it is the total opposite with donald trump. sure he says a lot of stuff but within that he offers did specifics and i will take that over this game of hide and seek. go ahead, ask him if he will settle the war in ukraine and the chaos in the middle east. >> i will settle the war in ukraine and i will end the chaos in the middle east and i will prevent something that nobody else will be able to do. i will prevent world war iii. do you think biden lies awake at night thinking how are we going to get europe to pay? no, he goes to sleep. here's a guy who can sleep on the beach. had you sleep on the beach when you have cameras on?

i will never sleep on the beach in front of live television, i promise! [cheering and applause] >> greg: has anyone ever promised that before? has anyone ever had to? not only does the emperor have no close, he has no empire. all he has is a beach umbrella and memories of corn pop and cannibalism. so you have a candidate in harris who says nothing and needs even less and you have from pool say whatever he wants but tells you exactly what he thinks, take it or leave it. for many, that depends -- demands transparency. it is the biggest hypocrisy of all. they pick the candidate who will not reveal her plans, perhaps because they know how bad they could be. right, joe? >> vice president, there wasn't a single thing that i did that she couldn't do. so i was able to delegate her responsibility on foreign

policy, the mystic policy. >> greg: that is what you call a sick burn. is the harris campaign tries to find daylight between their crummy candidate in the past four years, joe says hold on kids, she was with me every step of the way. from afghanistan to the border. maybe he is not so demented after all. [cheering and applause] >> greg: david, for those of you at home who don't know, you're quite an accomplished comedian but you also own a razor company. how was your razor company doing? >> i'm living at the ymca right now... [laughter] the company is doing good. that's the thing, i'm not taking as many, and giving it back to the people. >> greg: really? >> my margins are very small. here's what i'm thinking. inflation is a big problem in

america right now. my product needs to actually cost less. my blades are only ten cents each. made in america, i don't know why they are not flying off the shelves. [laughter] >> greg: let me ask you this, which president would best benefit the razor industry? >> i mean if you don't count cutting your wrists... [laughter] i'm happy to meet with both candidates. >> greg: do you sleep on the beach? >> sometimes. the ymca has a curfew at 11. >> greg: i'm going to leave you alone now. did you find "the new york times" assessment of kamala harris -- that is their version of holy crap, they are pulling out their hair. even in that tone you could tell

they are in panic. >> they were in panic, it could be worse. you need to sell his raisers for them because wrists letting is a one-time customer. you want trump to lower inflation, in people go out and feel good where women actually want to shave their legs. and pits. i don't know if i should have done that. they were horrified by her performance. and they were horrified about what she may say if she has to keep doing these interviews because she is this close to letting slept why she really wants the top job. and it is because she just wants to spend other people's money. she wants to get her hands on daddy -- uncle sam's credit card which has no limit on it. that is really any girls goal, right? and a private jet, the giant

jumbo jet with the big bedroom on it. who doesn't want to be able to fly on that, anywhere? right, greg? girl power! she is the embodiment of everything that the feminist in the democratic party loathed back deep down. >> greg: interesting. brett, i watched trump yesterday talked for like 45, 15 minutes. he went on a lot of tangents but every time he went to anything, weather it was israel or ukraine, even england, he was aware of what was going on and he could drop down into each issue. are you worried? you are a foreign policy dude, that if kamala harris gets elected, not only does she not know, it doesn't seem like she has a desire to know. >> she has zero foreign policy and that is a problem. i think kamala will never answer detailed questions about how she will govern or be any different than what we have already seen

about the white house and she has pretty much had the position for the last four years already and what has she done that is any different? nothing. and look at the national security structure the guys have been running the agency's, the appointees for our government. it is failure after failure and kamala and biden appointed these people to this position. but trump actually seems to have a plan. he understands the issues and has a plan to stop the war in ukraine and i have to be honest, it is really bad out there right now. we are on the precipice of another world war. israel, taiwan, ukraine, we cannot have terrible leadership sitting up at the top and causing even more wars than before. the fact is trump stop a lot of stuff overseas when he was in office and he will probably do it again. >> greg: i hope you're right. cat, i was thinking about what you said last night. >> what thing? >> greg: what exactly has she been doing? they say vice president do a lot in their job but that should

mean that she had time to get better. she didn't even write a book. >> i know! >> greg: everyone at fox has written a book. >> she didn't even have a meeting with someone to talk about writing a book to put her name on. there is nothing, she did nothing. but you see things go pretty well for her when she does nothing. if i would go into hiding and then i am on the cover of "time" magazine, i might go into hiding, two. when she is not doing interviews and she is not on the air, she has a bunch of people on the air, in print, every medium talking about how great she is without actually taking the chance to put herself out there and the chance she may say something wrong or mess something up. i think "the new york times" nailed it when they said that there is no other reason to do this except to say she did a one-on-one interview. that is why she did it. so people on this channel cannot say she does not do one-on-one interviews. it was a noninterview, she didn't do great even those the

softest when she could have had. would you come to work if you actually did way better by not coming? >> greg: they tried to tell me that. [laughter] >> but then also there were people on the air all day talking about how great greg is, you would sit at home and watch it. >> greg: that is true! that's a good idea for my retirement. >> i'm thinking about it for my maternity leave. >> greg: exactly! we have to move on, so much more to go. up next, was he was then his rights to enjoy turkish delights? [cheering and applause] >> announcer: if you'd like tickets to see here's to getting better with age. here's to beating these two every thursday. help fuel today with boost high protein, complete nutrition you need, and the flavor you love. so, here's to now... now available: boost max! ♪ it wasn't hard with cologuard®, ♪ ♪ i did it my way! ♪

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>> announcer: a story in five words. [cheering and applause] >> greg: thank you. i agree. mayor adams corrupt citizens erupt. >> this is not an us thing, this is a you thing! your policies are antiblack! you are a disgrace to our black people in this city! what you are saying is unconscionable! [shouting] >> you are a socialist! [shouting] >> greg: wow! that is what you call a new york city press conference. so cat, new york city's

mayor eric adams indicted on charges like fraud, bribery, campaign finance violation although he claims it is politically motivated because he criticized the handling of the southern border. is that a witch hunt? what you make of the violations? >> people got mad at me but i'm still going to say it again, i feel like the bribes were not that great that he got. he did this all for business class flights? you know what i mean? you are risking federal prison, you have to be flying private. you're going to risk going to federal prison for extra legroom and a free bloody mary? [laughter] [applause] he's an idiot! >> and epstein would have had this covered. even our corrupt elites are doing worse under the biden economy. >> greg: the bribes have gotten so much worse! >> that's true! he is still going through tsa?

is someone committing federal crimes? you are still going through tsa? >> greg: it is so pathetic. that reminds me though, of the best thing that adams ever did was this psa on how to find drugs in your kids room. do we have that? >> you can look in the jewellery box. the jewellery box may just be a single jewellery box but if you look closely, you don't know what your child may be hiding. for instance, a gun. you should always, when your child brings in his knapsack with many different locations, look through it to see what exactly is your child carrying in addition to a book. something as simple as a crack pipe with a picture frame behind it. cameras try to determine what is taking place. behind the picture frame, you could find bullets. something simple as a baby doll could just be a baby doll but also it could be a place where you could secrete or hide drugs.

see if you feel anything that is unusual like this with a button is a perfect in -- invitation to hide something. i felt something bumpy, i will reach in and see what it is. just look and see what is inside your bookcases. it can be more than books. a perfect place to hide cocaine. >> that is a lot of cocaine. >> greg: yes! >> who is this kid? >> greg: tony montana is a child? >> that is the funniest thing i have ever seen. apparently he was not going for that? >> greg: i think he is getting a raw deal. because i think -- i don't know. but he has problems. >> he needs to remake that video from prison now because prisoners always talk about hiding stuff. we are in his house and he is sharing locations of where he hides his own cocaine and his crack pipe. and now the feds know where to

look. it's great. but i got a lot of conspiracy theories going through my head about why the justice department started going after him all of a sudden and i think it had to do with him all of a sudden saying we should actually stop illegals at the border before they come into the country and wait for 10 years to be prosecuted and used taxpayer dollars and next thing you know when he says that, he's going against the party line and here we have the justice department all of a sudden coming after him attacking him. so i think the democrats are probably banking on him leaving and it interim replacement being a little further left to help out the democratic party. >> to your point, according to ice, we now have 13,000 murderers and 16,000 sexual assault criminals roaming free in the united states that are not in detention from other countries. we were talking about replacement here, what about mr. cuomo?

>> that dirtbag? 's. >> greg: he is a shoe in! >> that vulture? because he looks like a vulture? granddad killer? no. eric adams is not going to resign, they will have to kick him out. people are saying due process, you stick with it and actually, the police department, like eric adams, you talk to anybody in leadership, and the police department, he has their back. >> greg: so it's the left that wants him out? >> yes, because they want his job but also he does speak out and the only types of crime that are up are those committed by illegal migrants. where is the justice department cracking down on the gangs who have come across the border? like the gang member with the gun who ran down the street right here? ran on the breezeway? why my losing my mind? because there was a [bleep] run

in with a gun shooting at police right outside of the building here, that's why. eric adams and that video in the beginning, he could be -- to parent counselling about how to raise your kids because he starts off by saying there is no constitution in your house for your kids. there is no first amendment, essentially. you speak when you are spoken to. no fourth amendment here, i'm searching all your [bleep]. i love that, he has a career after this. >> greg: david, i'm going to get your thoughts on this as somebody who always complains about new york. >> it is an unlivable hole. you know? he has not done much to put a dent into that. but i think he will get out of this. this guy is slicker than a doorknob at puff daddy's house. [laughter] [applause]

>> he will be, okay,, he will be okay. >> greg: you are as sharp as your razors. up next, the arkansas hack -- hag continues to nag. [cheering and applause - when did doing business become more about culture wars and less about well, business? some companies today bring politics into the boardroom, then into our living rooms. that's why i use spotlight reports from 1792 exchange. here, i can search more than 2,000 companies, to see if they care more about divisive social issues than about running a sound business. isn't it time we got back to the business of business? learn the risk to your company or family at 1792exchange.com.

>> announcer: five more roads. [cheering and applause] >> greg: hilary still bitter, is still ugly. literally and figuratively. "the washington post" published an excerpt from her new book where she doubles down on her deplorable's comment saying if anything, it was too kind a word for the hate and violent extremism we have seen from some trumped supporters. why did she have to keep reminding everyone of how horrible she is? what is it with her? >> because she is hillary clinton. usually when i am feeling down and sitting in the dark with a

hot dog and watching british bake-off eating out of a jar back you know what i'm going to do? i'm just going to sit back and take 2 minutes and think about that nasty old bag. right there. and i'm going to think about all of the years that she stuck with bubba and his philandering and him and that in-turn and jeffrey epstein and all of that. and what did she get? nothing! [laughter] guess what? you will never be president! two shots denied! how's that feel? [cheering and applause] you got beat! put it in a capsule, i will pop it with some beings, it's better than an antidepressant. >> greg: david, old ladies are supposed to become more adorable as they age. she just becomes more of a

slovenly, bitter, pig face. no, you can say that. >> listen, i'm not saying anything bad about someone with her kill ratio. [laughter] i respect that woman! [applause] >> greg: especially with all those razors in your house. >> she could make it look like an accident. [laughter] i'm with her, you know? >> greg: i have no issues raining insults down on her because you know if she could, she would do way worse to us, given the power. because she has basically said as much. >> she is so bitter, greg, it's like an ex-girlfriend that just will not go away and is talking all of this behind your back and you call her up a couple years later and she so excited talk to

you all of a sudden, that's what it feels like. >> i bet you have a lot of those, don't you? >> airing out dirty laundry right now. >> did you just say you would date her? [laughter] >> older ladies need love to, all right? i think the larger issue i have with this is that it is her rhetoric that is getting trumped shot at. and there are crazy people out there that are trying to kill the president and they hear her talking about how he is some sort of existential threat and he is going to destroy america and that gives them the motivation to try to conduct these assassination attempts and so i think she is complicit, frankly, when she says these things that motivate other people to not only try to kill the former president but potentially tried to kill future presidents because they think it is normalized now, right? [applause] >> greg: so he agrees with you. so cat, you know what i like about her?

that she defends her deplorable's comment as empathy. she is just showing empathy for people who are going through hardship and that you have to display deeply passionate empathy with people you disagree with. and then she calls them deplorable. >> yes, rhetoric like this is literally why i wrote my second book. and also, speaking of, i write my books, i don't think she wrote this. i feel like she doesn't write her own books. but assuming she knows this is in here, i would say she has also just said -- surety said when she made the comment that she was referring to half of trumped supporters. that is a quarter of the country, a huge segment of people. and now she is saying no, i was talking to the really bad ones, the ones who were at january sixth. and i'm like how bad are you at math? that was like 2000 people. but then she also says yes, the ones who were really racist and january sixth there's a lot of

bad things you could say about it and things i have said about it, it was in a race thing. and you have already set the marksaeng, okay,, i'm talking about half of these people that are horribly racist, xenophobic, awful people. that is just not true. anyone who goes outside and meets people knows that is not true and it is a horrible thing to say. and are there worse words -- are there from supporters were horrible people? of course. are the democrats or horrible people? of course. why didn't someone ever ask her what percentage of the democrat party do you think has bigoted views in some way or another? the fact she is going through all of this and she didn't say it was half of trumped supporters which is a huge segment of the country, i'm surprised an editor did not catch this but maybe the editor has the same view -- view as you do. i'm not telling her this is wrong. >> play it safe, tread lightly. >> greg: exactly... i bet she already has your suicide note written. >> she can borrow one of mine. [laughter]

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♪ this segment is for you, we hope your furry dreams come true, it is time to celebrate greg's animal friends ♪ ♪ celebrate greg's animal friends ♪ >> greg: yes! it's been a long time. which means it is time for greg's animal friends. all right brett, what you have for us today, tonight? >> this is something exciting for the audience. here is a man that is apparently so lazy when taking his dog for a walk he actually ties a plastic bag so that he doesn't

have to clean up. brutal. >> greg: i think they call this jerry nadler. does that even work? >> come on, look, this is cruel. i just got a new puppy, i'm excited. my condo was basically like one big right now. but this is cruel, this is too cruel, i cannot do that to her. >> greg: brett, you really need an adorable little puppy? >> always! always! >> greg: all right. >> check out otis the docs and. -- it's like some redneck because the dog is so precious. at the name it a redneck name. his owner taught him to write a skateboard but he has these now be little legs so we can't really push a skateboard and it is just to distract the fact that all wiener dogs have horribly loud barks and they

bark all the time at everything. so if you get one, you better live deep in the woods or your neighbours will hate you. >> greg: my dog gus is obsessed with skateboards. >> like he hates them? >> greg: yes just chases them down the street, exactly. >> an ankle biter. >> yes. cat? >> yes! >> i'm serious, you have to check mine out. don't let the kids see if they are watching. >> greg: is it animals pumping? >> the animals doing that stuff kids should not see. this chicken ripping a dart. look at that, the chicken likes smoking cigarettes! [laughter] i told you don't let the kids see because the kids may notice how cool this chicken looks. this will be me after i give birth. outside the hospital with my gown on ripping a dart, you can come find me.

but i mean, this chicken was just a chicken. at a cigarette, it's a cool chicken. the kids can come back now. don't smoke cigarettes, kids. >> greg: it is a gateway drug for chickens. what's next? >> i feel like if the chicken take your cigarette, let it have it. >> greg: it's not like he has any real habits in life that will shorten his already shortened life! >> also if that chicken smokes that whole cigarette and then you eat that chicken, with that [bleep] you up? >> greg: i don't know! truly a question for our fox contributor butcher. >> that will be my new branded item, nicotine chicken. although i'm sure it is horribly unethical to give chickens cigarettes. >> greg: on my script here for animal friends under your name it says tbd which stands for to be determined.

some a little bit excited for what you have. >> yes, i didn't get it in on time. but it turns out it is also a chicken video. so let's let it play. you see this chicken? is wearing pants, i like that. it is modest. it is true! >> greg: i don't need to see the [bleep]. >> he is tired of being treated like a piece of meat. >> greg: where you get pants like that for a chicken? >> that is a good question. i would look at gap chicken. [laughter] >> greg: gap chicken! all right, that was fun. we had something even better, it is called mailing it in and that is next. [cheering and applause]

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♪ ♪ >> announcer: you're watching mailing it in... >> greg: soup, 1948 asks, that means you were 9400 -- 1947 people with the soup before him. asks, if you could do just one thing to bring you historical or hysterical notoriety, what would it be? and why? david? >> i probably would have gone on the titanic and i would have said guys, you have to turn left up here. [laughter] imagine -- that movie never would have been made. [laughter] >> greg: and that makes it

worth it, i hated that movie and i never sought. what is one thing historical or hysterical? >> i think that -- i wish i would have started having kids a lot long ago so i could have had 40 kids. >> greg: really? >> i could have had a show on tlc. i would laugh and the other moms face. i'd be like eight kids? that's nothing, i have 41! >> greg: when would you start to get that many? >> i would've had to start at like 12. >> greg: you should do that other show then. never mind. brett? >> i probably would have taken out hitler for he came to be r i mean he did build some good roads, apparently. but all of the other [bleep] was really bad. really glad f bad. >> greg: that's true, take out hitler. and that adolf hitler not steve hitler that lives in morgantown

virginia, great guy. >> i'm laughing because i know him. [laughter] >> greg: why don't you change your name, steve? you're not getting the jobs! >> can this be something i can still do, potentially? i want to have a porsche but reckitt and drive it off a cliff and just in a ball of fire. but then survived unscathed. >> greg: that is such an interesting choice. [laughter] >> but why? i live. >> greg: i get it. >> it's like, fox news talking head rex porsche but lives! >> greg: i'd like to foil a hostage robbery plot like in diehard.

crawl through the air conditioning vents, that would be something really cool. fox news host foils international crime plots! >> and bare feet. >> greg: and bare feet! and then marries demi moore! and then leaves demi moore! and then marries a model! and then leaves her to! [laughter] all right, is that it? don't go away, we will be right back. [applause] here's to getting better with age. here's to beating these two every thursday. help fuel today with boost high protein, complete nutrition you need, and the flavor you love. so, here's to now... now available: boost max! (♪) they need their lawn back fast, and you need scotts turf builder rapid grass. it grows grass 2 times faster than just seed alone. giving you a stronger lawn. smell that freedom, eh? download the my lawn app today for lawn care tips and customized plans.

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♪ ♪ >> greg: we are out of time! at david angelo, dagen mcdowell, kat timpf. our studio audienc the "big weekend show" up next. ♪