>> all right, everyone. before we go, given the current political climate, which has no sight of ending any time soon, make sure to get a copy of any new book, "fear itself." i wrote it to help us through what we've all been facing. you'll find it helpful and enlightening. that's all the time we have left for this evening. thanks very much for being with us. "gutfeld" is next. sean is back monday. have a great weekend.

[cheers & applause] >> woo! what it is! i'm tyrus. i'm in for greg on this special edition of "gutfeld." it's friday. you know what that means. let's welcome tonight's guests. he's usually the only hotep in the room. hotep jesus. she's from the south and she's tired of your moth. the one and only dagen mcdowell. [cheers & applause] >> and as a former judge, he's guilty of being hilarious. comedian vince august. her stocking is already stuffed

with a human. "new york times" best selling author, fox news contributor contributor, the infeltered pregnant kat. before we get to new stories, let's do this. >> greg's leftovers. >> tyrus: why read jokes we didn't use this week? if they suck, we'll make joe mackey and joe deveto perform the full mackey outside. i have not seen these jokes yet. here we go. this week o.j. simpson's former bodyguard claimed that minnesota police seized a thumb drive containing an audio of o.j. confessing to the murders of ronald goldman and nicole brown simpson. cops later said the audio contained no such confession.

so i guess we'll never know who really did it. [laughter] it's a mystery. an urn filled with ashes was found in a wisconsin movie theater. the owner is looking to college them with a ticket. a florida teacher was a rested for showing up to school naked with weed and sex toys and then fighting with first responders. students are calling at this time most disappointing mug shot ever. [laughter] in california, a british rock band was robbed by a gunman that yelled "get down." good thing they weren't a funk bank. they would have started jamming

and would have got shot. spanish doctors are reporting extra hairy infants to fathers that take an anti baldness drug. now they're buying used sports cars and hitting on nannies. denver was just announced of one three finalist cities to host the 2030 gay games. the most anticipated event, ropeless tug of war. [laughter] go for the gold! all right. and finally, the trailer for the new live action snow white movie is facing harsh reviews from critics. disney execs have decided the only way to improve the movie is to add another dwarf. [ laughter and applause ]

all right. enough of this nonsense. to the monologue. now that thanksgiving has come and gone, we can focus on christmas. some people got their gifts early like a pardon from their dad. [laughter] and certainly there's a lot to be thankful for this year. with america demanding a return to normal. after four years of the biden-harris debacle, we're thinking about the perfect gifts. you know, a paycheck that covers your bills, gas under $3 and a tv remote that has auto mute if you put on msnbc. [laughter] cyber monday and black friday are also behind us. chances are you or someone you know took advantage of the huge sales. even kat broke a few doors down. the baby weight has given her incr incredible strength. here's her crushing an apple.

rp. [laughter] well-done! >> my has has gotten huge. >> tyrus: that's probably because consumer confidence is off the charts. hell, joe mackey is asking out strippers now. parentally americans are so happy with the outcome of the election, consumer confidence is at a 16-month high. why? amid optimism over the labor market, expectations for lower inflation and higher stock prices over the next year. even so, we can't become too complacent. here me out. i think i we need fewer black fridays and cyber mondays and more red light wednesdays. not the red light you're thinking. we just need to take a pause about think about the things we truly need. we don't need all of this stuff.

things like friends and family spending quality time with them, experiences over material possessions. sorry home shopping network. we don't need every color of that blouse. we buy too much stuff. it turns in to garbage. we need to learn from these last four years. you don't need a new iphone every year. we're contributing to hazardous waste and not to mention we're lining china's pockets. hey, i'm not saying we shouldn't stimulate the economy and buy some [bleep]. instead of tons for presents, maybe one nice gift a concert, a camping trump, a comedy show or a become or two to learn from. [ laughter and applause ] because here's the truth. we don't need 60% of the crap we have. how many sweaters with a picture

of a dog does greg really need? i think the average person doesn't need more than five or seven shirts pants. if you have big clothes, you need more electricity. the fastest work the trump administration will do will take months or years to see. meantime, men, you don't have to buy everything your family asks for to feel like a provider. if you spend just a little less this year, you can build up your savings and provide for them in the event another democrat gets in the white house. saves the environments, too. all of those gifts end up becoming big piles of garbage. all the dvds everybody bought 15 years ago is floating in the ocean as sex dolls for jelly

fish. nobody wants to see that. but hey, i'm not being the grinch. i don't want to ruin your christmas like this lady once tried to do. >> we all sing happy tunes and sing merry christmas and wish each other merry christmas. how dare we speak merry christmas? how dare we? >> see, that's the reason why she lost. isn't that the greatest gift of all? >> #nufsaid. [applause] >> kat, i know i sound grinchy there but we buy too much stuff. we don't need it. it's ridiculous. we need to think about savings. shouldn't that be the goal during these four years, to build your reserves? >> i agree. we don't really to christmas presents. since we started dating, he's driven me and my old feral cat

to my dad's house. he can't fly. that i'd say is quite the gift. but this year he can't -- we can't do that. i can't travel. i'll be too presenpregnant. i wonder what he's going to do this year. i don't like material things as much as showing how much you love me and would die without me. the second is much harder to do he probably wishes he could buy me a [bleep] bracelet. he has also done. >> tyrus: yes, he has. he also bought you a ring and dedicated the rest of his life to you. >> yes, you did, by the way. >> tyrus: yeah. you've got to be half a veteran because of that. >> yes. >> tyrus: bah humbug. >> i hate christmas. ask me why. >> tyrus: why? >> because i'm cheap. i don't want to spend no money.

>> tyrus: i don't think we should have to. especially men get caught up in the thing. if you don't provide a bunch of gifts, your man hood is on the line. isn't that one of the things as men we can't of overcompensate for? >> sometimes, but not me. i don't give me kids nothing for christmas. >> tyrus: really? >> the grand mom and grandpa give them too many. the mama, the other grandma, the other grandpa. the whole house is full of gifts. they're spoiled. my kids are spoiled. i don't get them nothing. this year i'm going to get them something. you said a one gift thing. that would be a vast improvement for me. >> tyrus: wow. okay. that's one side of it. judge, i know you probably -- you're like me. i want to make sure everybody got -- i would break the bank making sure everybody had a nice christmas. you fall in that category? >> i don't understand adults buying gifts for adults. when i grew up, it was about

kid. christmas for us -- maybe i'm different, italian immigrants. you got gifts that day. that lasted you for the year. it was like the hunger games when they dropped those things to survive. christmas was the survival pack for the next 365 days. nowadays, you get christmas, birthday, confirmation, baptism. you're starting lacrosse. the adult thing is more suggestive than a gift. like husbands get drills. here, build me a deck. whereas wives get a 90-minute massage. leave me alone while i build a deck. it's that kind of thing. >> tyrus: dagen, you think it's because everything last become so much -- it's like with amazon and all of these other places. you point and click. people are buying themselves gifts all year long. christmas time, they really

overdo it. you're the financial guru. should we think about savings and economy, things like that? >> not at christmas. it's gift giving time. what i buy during the year is necessities. they're not gifts for myself. >> tyrus: okay. >> you're sending the worst message on the planet to men. it's the season for just one thoughtful present. or an experience. no. if your man -- no, you better write it down. [applause] >> if your man tells you it's a conservation christmas, that means he's lost his ass sports gambling. and he's trying to hide the fact that he is broke and busted. he's been betting on football, basketball, baseball, hockey,

ice and field, and cricket. which he thinks is played at night in the woods. you tell me that i need to -- that he's going to give me a recycle gift or a used gift? okay. yeah. you can give me a gently worn 9-11 porsche. a 933 air-cooled turbo 1995 if you are going to give me a used gift. >> tyrus: that was very specific. >> yes. >> tyrus: whomever that involves, i hope you're watching and brother, god be with you. before we go, come see me on the what it is comedy tour in 2025. i'll be performing coast-to-coast in a city near you. grab your tickets now at linktree/tyrussmash. up next, vivek and elon say the

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[cheers & applause] >> tyrus: biden gives workers a pass to stay home and sit on their ass. i'm okay with that rhyme. the department of government fish sent or doge is taking aim at federal workers after a recent senate investigation revealeded that 6% of federal employees work in person full time. elon musk quickly pointed out that if you exclude security, maintenance personnel, that drops the number to 1%. it's like 3 people. meanwhile, taxpayers are still footing the bill for maintenance on the office buildings that are practically empty.

so a lot of unnecessary people could be let go. but doge co chair vivek ramaswamy says they'll do it with dignity. >> hopefully it will be good for many of the individuals that may make a transition from government service back to the private sector in a manner that respects them. because this wasn't about -- that wasn't really about ringing the biggest source of cost savings anyway. gives us latitude to treat those workers and their families in a respectful way, in a way that doesn't leave them in a lurch. that might be private sector standards generous in transitioning. >> yeah, what he means is government workers can expect a nice package on their way out the door. although they'll probably want it shipped to their address. i've been fired a lot. there's no nice way to get fired especially from a dereliction of

duty. shouldn't he be worried about the american's people's feelings, not the people that have been clocking in and not going to work? >> i totally agree. the worst idea that i heard. you want the government to work? every time the government does something, they break something. [applause] >> so if the people are at home and not doing any work, we should be celebrating that. that's a good thing. i'm a true conservative where i want less government. small government. i haven't seen anything good come from government. >> tyrus: no, listen, i don't think there's a long line of people -- nobody doesn't want to debate that point about good things coming from government. i do -- i agree. the smaller the government the better to kat's point, it's even smaller. you want somebody to be like dismissed. that's it. >> yeah. i think that if they're doing

nothing, we should pay them to doing nothing. if they're working at home, we shouldn't be paying for the empty office. it's possible for some people to get work done at home. if they're not doing any, we shouldn't be paying them. there's nothing compassionate about -- that is not compassionate about paying people for something they're not doing. it's actually the opposite of that to expect team to pay you for stuff that you're not doing. i don't know where we got this idea that you're owed other people's money. it's really wrong. >> tyrus: it's shocking. dagen, there was one individual doing business and conference calls while having a bubble bath. >> i see no problem with that. >> was it a video call? >> maybe they had hemorrhoids. >> tyrus: hemorrhoids? >> i'm sorry i said that out loud. it's possible. maybe you're just -- maybe this

person had horrible raging hemorrhoids and rather than call out, they took it from the bath. the only way that they felt well enough to take that call. we never know what another person is going through. >> this is so about you. >> you know, i'm not -- sorry. >> tyrus: it's okay. there we go. >> if it's a woman with hemorrhoids, she went from hemorrhoids to a uti though. you know what? you want to get people -- >> i don't know why i said that. i don't know why i said any of that. >> tyrus: it's the baby. >> you want to get people to quit. so you don't have to pay them exit packages. so they're not showing up for the office, that's fine. we're showing up to your home office with a surprise inspection. i will totally volunteer to do

that. i'll show up just to see if you get your job done. i'm knocking on your door like cleaning out the cheese-its from you keyboard, looking around. going what is that stain on your sofa? let me -- i'll make you quick. >> tyrus: can you imagine doing work from home and sitting three feet behind you in a chair is dagen going -- is that a company text message right there? there would be mass quitting. you know what? doge, you need to holler at your girl over here. >> private sector-wise, sometimes it makes sense. for example, as an attorney, i can tell you it saves clients money to do certain hearings remote. you're not getting paid to drive to court. so there's certain times it does work. that only 6% of the entire government is showing up is ridiculous. but how easy is it to fire people when they're not at the

job? that's got to be the easiest thing. that's the only time you want to break up with someone via text message. be like by the way, good news. you have a lot of time off coming up. just send them via text. where are they going to show up to complain? nobody is there. the building is there. >> tyrus: one really happy janitor. >> yes. >> tyrus: you think about the custodial. it's over there. drawing paintings, have as great time. there's nothing to clean up. >> exactly. >> tyrus: to be fair though, i have never been fired in person. i always got a phone call from a friend of the boss. >> i'm showing up at your house once a week and parking on your grass. >> yeah, i believe you'd do that based off of your christmas testimony. >> exactly. >> tyrus: we're working on that porch as we speak. it's in the budget. up next, he's a southern skeek that makes you think. [applause]

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♪ [applause] >> tyrus: he looks like a snake, but he's got some good takes. our video of the day comes from the louisiana lizard man, james carville. just looking at him makes me want to reach for moisturizer. [laughter] oh, we're going to give him some more. fired up after warming his belly on a hot rock, the cajun chameleon went off joe biden for blowing the election. >> if he would have in september of 2023 or august said that he wasn't going to run, [bleep], damn, we would have won this

election. wouldn't have been that close. we would have so many fricking talented people that were running. all of this is [bleep] self-inflicted. it's tragic, it's sad. what is so sad, it didn't have to be this way. he bought it all on himself. at the bottom of this joe biden is and will continue to be the most tragic figure in modern american politics. actually feel for biden. he knows that he [bleep]ed up. it's a [bleep] shame. >> tyrus: are we sure he knows he [bleep] up? i think -- [applause] speaking of presidential call-outs, trump recently gave one to yours truly.

>> i have so many friends. there's one. he was calling me earlier on. he was saying why are you going through this process? you know he's going to win. he's big, strong. i will never fight you. right from the beginning, right? thank you very much. appreciate it. great guy. thank you, tyrus. thank you, tyrus. good man. >> tyrus: which raises an important question. mr. president, do i still have to pay taxes this year? asking for a friend. dagen, you as a leader of the southern way, does carville need to chill out? >> he needs to go away. why are millions of southerners that supported president trump,

voted for president trump calls deplorables and garbage and the democrats hold out this peach pit, this dehydrated alligator? like he's some -- like he's some sort of southern sue sayer. here's what he had to say about kamala harris. we're going to win, baby. he wrote this in "the new york times," kamala harris is going to win. three reasons i'm certain. suck it, you [bleep]. [applause] >> they only watch him because he might be sitting on the commode. >> don't sit on there too long. you'll get hemorrhoids. [applause]

>> i'm just trying to help. >> i don't have anything left to tear up. hotep, why are they so fixated on trying to blame somebody for a complete -- the entire -- the they were -- the democratic party's entire thought process was [bleep] up. why are they trying -- they're trying to find one scapegoat instead of looking in the mirror. >> these people live in a bubble of ignorance. they have been lied to. i mean, just the pure fact that people thought that kamala had a chance to win is how delusional they were and how many lies were told to them. we went through a pandemic. mcdonald's was on, the gym was closed. had to water a mask. the biden years were worst than that. [applause]

so who -- so you knew the american people weren't going to go oh, we got to go with biden as the president or kamala as the president. you have to see the contrast between then and now. everybody knew you would pick trump. during the trump years, i would make about $1,000 per podcast episode. during the biden years, it was $100. biden can kiss my black ass. [cheers & applause] >> tyrus: one, i want to know what small person they forced to film carville at that angle. i don't know who told them that made him look less lizardy. the messaging. he has wisdom. he knows better than this [bleep]. he's been in the game.

why is -- he used to be a tell it like it is guy. >> he's like the guy that lost. he's been in the game too long. that's the problem. what happens is they buy all in to their own lies, to the point where they're locked in to them. so this is the most energetic, this is the best version of biden. a week later, he had a bad night. a week later, he's putting country before himself. finally it's like [bleep], he should have quit a year ago. you can only play that and roll that out so much. you know, they box themselves in to this corner. then the next thing you know, you're in a nursing home with like the camomile tea camera looking up at you. you just start yelling at the sky at everything but hey, maybe we need to change course, you know. that's never an option. again, it's buy in to everything. it religion.

it's not politics at this point. >> tyrus: i'm going to do it. kat, why do you think he's physically so uncomfortable? >> it could be. >> tyrus: it could be. >> it could be. he could neat a sits bath. >> fair. >> tyrus: thank you. [applause] >> if i do not get an e-mail from preparation h after, this i can never be an influencer. but no, okay. so he has been doing this. making these angry videos. maybe -- they're ending up on his channel. can we get any screen grab of the video up there, please? so i can point out something. this is the worst lighting i've ever seen. where is he filming this exactly? >> on his way to heaven. >> he looks like there's some sort of -- looks like jesus has

returned. but then also he slows his brightness up on the laptop reflecting in to his glasses. i feel like you don't need that many lights on in the house. one day when you're a little more calm -- i know he's angry -- get someone to trouble shot that with you. >> tyrus: he needs to change. his lsu jacket is so old it's brown. >> i have never seen worse lighting. >> that is the lighting at the end of the tunnel. >> yeah. [applause] >> tyrus: coming up, diddy's christmas in jail because he's got no bail. [applause] narrator: for generations, this ally to the north has been by your side. ontario, canada, a partner connected by shared history, shared values, and a shared vision for what we can achieve together. stable and secure, when the world around us isn't.

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>> a story in five words. [applause] >> tyrus: take that, take that. diddy's christmas games and dinner. kat -- help me.

his first christmas in jail will include card games, three up, three down basketball, a soccer match and for dinner, he will eat cornish hen, mac and cheese and a special holiday dessert. he will be his fellow inmates missle toe this christmas. your thoughts. >> i bet the dinner is probably not good. you know what i mean? it's still prison cornish hen 0. it's like nobody is like -- talks about prison like man, that mac and cheese i had in prison. i want to go back and eat that again, you know? there's no way it's good anyway. nobody will want to play games with him except maybe games he doesn't want to play. >> tyrus: like ropeless tug of war? sorry. >> i was so hoping she would say if there's ever a good time to have hemorrhoids, it's in

prison. yes. >> i don't know about that. there's never a good time to have hemorrhoids. you don't have to suffer as much with preparation h. [applause] >> tyrus: it's his own fault. when you own 1,000 or 100,000 bottles of baby oil and your skin is so soft, you're going to get some looks. >> absolutely. >> tyrus: super shiny. >> he's in jail trying to get access to a laptop. if i'm a judge, the combination -- who is approving this combination? a person that likes to record sex acts, a laptop and jail. those things don't go together. i would not approve. >> tyrus: no, i think he's getting a lot of extracurricular activiti activities. every one of my friends in jail,

they never -- i never got a phone call that said, man, we got this and this for thanksgiving. all i ever got was get me out. that's it. nobody talked about the food. dagen, do you even feel remotely sorry for him? >> no. i'm really more concerned like what the surviving bay city rollers are doing this christmas. diddy, he can just sit his ass in jail. in prison. i feel blessed. i have never eaten prison food. so i feel really lucky. >> tyrus: i have not. >> i have. it's not good. >> tyrus: they wouldn't tough against me. >> it's amazing when you think about the celebrities that have gone to prison and how much he's bitching about it. whereas martha stewart did her stint. >> tyrus: she's a straight up o.g. i'm telling you -- >> no doubt.

>> tyrus: when she was in prison, he was holding classes. like etiquette stuff, empowering people. she made money. >> in jail. >> tyrus: we were still buying her goods at kmart when she was locked up. >> and out of jail. like you have to leave martha. >> she did like only five months in a west virginia federal like very low security prison. >> i wouldn't do five months in west virginia. let's start there. >> you're going to have some angry e-mails. >> yes. i can't wait. >> tyrus: she came out. her corn rows were cool. she teamed up with snoop. i got to go to her shows and meet her. she's one of the nicest. up next, viewer mail. our audience is like what is

that? is she sad? up next, viewer mail. [applause]

>> yep, you're watching mailing it in. >> tyrus: all right. let's do some viewer mail. all right.

can you safely commune with an exotic animal, what animal would you choose? kat? >> when i went to africa, there was a leopard there that mated or had mated with the father and son leopard. i'd want to talk to her about it. there's like a lot of t there. a savage move. >> tyrus: turning a father against his son. >> having a kid with your dad. when you have a kid with your dad's son and then you're like sitting there waearing animal print. >> tyrus: i feel like that's reality show. what would you like? >> this is a hard one. damn. my favorite animal is octopus. >> tyrus: they're geniuses. >> they have eight brains, eight legs. i'd like to hang out with the octopi. there's this documentary, watching this guy -- he fell in

love with an octopus? >> tyrus: did you tear? >> yeah. >> tyrus: i tried to make my kids watch it. my teacher phenomenal. >> but i'm black. i can't swim. >> tyrus: sometimes you get a little extra benefit like swimming. >> sorry. >> tyrus: our late night talk show will be phenomenal. >> porcupine. >> how did i know? >> why come fore? >> why not. >> good enough for me. >> porcupines don't get enough human attention. i have large work gloves and mitts. i come ready. >> tyrus: i don't question her. i'm smart. >> i have oyster shucking

gloves. you know i have those. >> must have been a christmas present. >> it was a wild christmas party. she shucked oysters. i won't get into that. >> i think panda. nobody will get upset if you have a panda with you under any circumstance. you can walk on a plane. people will be like really? you walk on with a panda, everybody says that is completely acceptable. i don't have a problem with that. >> pandas are boring. they don't want to have sex with one another. >> tyrus: that's true. i'd go with a killer male that is bigger than me and black and white and people are afraid of. all right. [applause] s.g.coozer man asks, what is the house choose that you do for the family? >> i got kids. i don't do household chores?

>> same. i'm really good at like standing by the person doing the chores and talking to them. >> i feel like i do all the cleaning in the house. i do that better than anybody. i don't like when other people try to clean stuff. i'm o.c.d., always cleaning counters, making sure everything is in its place. >> tyrus: can i give you my address? >> absolutely. it will solve my ocd. >> loading the dishwasher. it was my chore growing up and i'm excellent at maximizing the space and capacity of a dishwasher. i will get everything in there and it will be perfect but no touching. give me that. i load the dishwasher and unload it. >> tyrus: i'll give you my address as well. my chore is i pay for everything. time for one more no let's do it.

break the record. ac-dc, i ask, who would you want to have a cocktail with at a dive back? what is that after the baby, cat? >> i can't have much right now cold or otherwise. let me think about it. i don't know. >> i can answer it for you. janice joplin. >> that would be awesome. also jesus christ. >> and martha stewart to make up for my friends from west virginia. >> i'm going with dagen. she's been on fire tonight. me and get drunk. >> tyrus: you know what, i was going to say something profound but i know she know as little something about making a little moonshine. so i'll be there as well. we did it. >> the alman brothers. the ones that are dead. >> tyrus: do you still want to go? >> i still want to go.

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(dr. david jeremiah) our world is not getting better. in our hearts we know that. and the bible says, "we groan for the coming of this new world." i'm not talking about heaven. i'm talking about a better world on planet earth. this is a world tainted with the sin of mankind, but there's a coming world when there'll be no more crime, when there'll be no more poverty, when there'll be no sickness, when death will happen only very seldom. one of these days, when jesus comes back, and the tribulation is over, christ will set up his kingdom on this earth. "the wolf will lie down with the lamb,

"and the leopard will lie down with the young goat, "and they shall not hurt nor destroy in all my holy mountain." the millennium is where we will begin to experience our true destiny. (male announcer) "the coming golden age" by david jeremiah, available now at goldenageprophecy.com and everywhere fine books are sold. sometimes jonah wrestles with falling asleep... ...so he takes zzzquil. the world's #1 sleep aid brand. and wakes up feeling like himself.

get the rest to be your best with non-habit forming zzzquil. ♪ ♪ [cheering and applause] thank you to our guests, our studio audience. "fox news at night" with trace gallagher is next. i'm tyrus, on behalf of greg gutfeld on the entire staff, we love you, america. [cheering and applause] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪