welcome to "red eye," it is like my three sons if by sons you mean nipples. go to tv's andy levy for a pregame report. what is coming up on tonight's show? >> everyone down here is in a state of bliss about the big show. startling news from the aquarium where sea lions and people are doing unmentional thing toss each other. did a teacher in maine marry his fourth grade student? probably not but we'll make sure. >> greg: anything else? >> a new drug may add years to your life. figure out how somebody like me should be as excited about it, greg. >> greg: does the drug rhyme with the word row cane. >> check that out with your source on the street bill schulz. >> i will talk to you later about that. andy, see you at the halftime report. >> keep hope alive, greg. >> greg: i'm here with remy

spencer. she knows courtroom details like i know extended coke nails. greg proobs. bill schulz. in norway he is considered a pogo stick. and sitting next to me, fox news channel anchor rick. he knows reporting like i know cavorting. the frolicking and franceing plays an important part of my life. our "new york times" correspondent. good to see you again. >> frolicking and answering is actually franceing, greg. >> at a new york aquarium they are turning innocent zoo animals into highly paid love puppets for tourists at a few hundred bucks a pop. >> according to the new york post, a paper, our local

aquarium in brooklyn is whoring out the sea lions for $200 a kiss. no word on what $500 will get you but i'm heading out tomorrow to find out. indeed, they are the icing on a cake that begins with a tour of their habitat and ends with a man on sea pooch on their smuckers. fred hackett says it is an educational plus. things are bad -- i read that wrong. it's educational plus things are bad. [ laughter ] >> educational plus. >> she adds we lost a lot of money in our endowment and we had a lot of layoffs. nice excuse, fran, but how do the seals feel about this. we went to one of them for a response. >> i never felt more ashamed in my life. i feel like a piece of blubber passed around the pool while strange men tried to grope my

flippers and flick at my inverted nipples. thank heavthank heavens my tese inverted. >> greg: rick, is this right, interspecies kissing? >> when i was kingle i knew a girl who would do this for 200 bucks and you get a massage. it wasn't really a bad deal. so sad that things have gotten this bad and the nation's zoos and aquariums. where else can school children go to see what happens when you take an animal and pull it out of its natural habitat and stick it in a tank. >> greg: and then try to make out with it. >> wonder what happens when they get to first base. >> greg: this is something i wanted to do but whenever i brought it up i was put into some kind of therapy. >> right, you were the one sent

outside, casstcastigated durina field trip. keep this in mind, everybody, if seals can balance balls on their nose, imagine the possibility. >> greg: in a way, they are a lot like bill schulz. remy, is this really a form of prostitution. >> yeah, they are selling the animals for money. this is insane. think about the germs on these animals. not the animals themselves, i'm sure they keep themselves clean. it is really the people that go out there and kiss them. if you kiss one of these animals you are kissing all of these people with dirty mouths and germs. >> not only kissed the seal, kissed the orca that kissed the walrus and on and on. >> the seal will start to get little things around his mouth.

>> greg: seal herpes. >> i never knew that seals sounded like that, though. >> greg: if you kiss a seal it is like you kissed the entire ocean. >> and they don't just kiss in the ocean. >> greg: the things they do with the flipper. bill, i would like to see you try to kiss a shark. >> i don't like the story. i like sharks but, of course, sharks eat sea lions. they are laying off of aquariums. particularly if you have a dime bag on you. you can sit by and look at the jelly fish all day. they are like living larv lava lamps. >> greg: you know, my nephew is in the audience. >> he doesn't know what a dime bag means but he will after the show. >> greg: from flippers to flaps they never should have tied the knot. a teacher apologizes after

taking part in a play ground wedding with a fourth grade students. he wore a black graduation gown and a clown tie and the bride draped a sheet around her clothes as a gown. the reception featured a set menu of car capri sun, fruit rl ups. some parents called the school. said the teacher "what i saw as theater on the play ground was something of much greater gravity and consequence." he added he is already engaged to his pet turtle captain mud cap. remy, you are a lawyer. is this marriage legal and binding? >> yes, they are married. i love the way you ask the question with such seriousness. this is wrong for so many reasons. has anybody stopped to think about the other girls in the

class. they will feel left out and alienated by the teacher's decision to pick just one. >> greg: not only the girls, the boys. >> this is an elab rate scheme. at any point did it occur to the teacher that this isn't a good idea. >> why didn't you premise the question with remy you defend murderers. >> i was told to stop doing that by the higher ups. >> i'm sorry, higher ups, i encourage this. >> greg: is this sick or silly? >> i think both and that is what makes it delightful. we missed a huge chance to educate our children in a practical way. they should have followed through and gotten drunk and come home and taken off with one of her fourth grade housecy

friends. >> greg: have you been smit one a teacher growing up? >> i have. miss simmons from fourth grade if you are still out there i still think about you. >> greg: why is it always fourth grade? >> the only thing i'm upset about is wearing the black robe with the clown tie. that is the thing that really i feel -- >> greg: you know what would make this teacher great or maybe he was just kidding but it is a little creepy, let's face it. what would be great is if he said i'm waiting for her and then asked to marry her. >> you turn a silly story into a basic thin thing of romance that we can watch on lifetime. >> greg: it is described as a lapse in judgment as if judgment has a warrant. the whole point in judgment is not having lapses. >> he has peer pressure. he can say they kept pounding

me so finally i gave in. god forbid he will be reduced to having. >> the son of a [ bleep ] >> greg: question to greg, should he keep his job? >> sorry. i'm still laughing about the [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] >> there was nothing like a brisk game of pickle with. >> greg: enough with that! >> got to move on. >> must have been -- i'm not a lawyer but he should keep his job and here is why. he wore a clown tie and that's amazing. >> greg: from marrying young to living old, scientists say they discovered a drug that could expand the human life span by ten years. tests on mice show it extends life ex-peckantcy by as much as

14% which is good for people who want their mice to live 14% longer. i think we have a tape of one of the mice that took part in the study. >> ever since my life got extended i have been a changed mouse. i hang out with cats, two to clubs, also i developed acerbous cocaine habit and i want to eat your face you stupid mother [ bleep ] you [ bleep ] you. >> greg: that was a really angry mouse. >> we could have just stopped right there and keeping the tirade that wasn't bleeped out. >> greg: bill, we have to keep it real. do you want your life extended by 14 years, your miserable life? >> i do stories about real news stories. >> what about "red eye"? >> i think the last thing we need is to have people live an

additional 14 years. we can't afford it. >> greg: remy, are we playing god? i'm tired of people saying playing god is bad. >> playing god is bad, i'm going to say it. a longer healthier life, that sounds great in theory. the study explains what it does to increase your life span by ten years is retard the aging process in your body. i'm sorry but who the heck wants to retard anything in your body. >> greg: retard means to stunt it, to slow it. drugs are like the space program except it actually leads to something marvelous. greg, jump in and agree with me. this is the greatest thing ever. >> it is wonderful because mice live too short of a time. the longer they live the more fun you can have with them, losing them and then having a ceremonial burial in the

toilet. we had a drug like this in hollywood and it is called lying. i know a lot of drugs that will shorten your drugs by ten years look into it. it's called drinking and smoking, kids. >> greg: the upcoming block is the most upcoming block since berloques have been upcoming. what does mr. proobs think about miss goose? probably something proobs and goosey. to demonstrate the allergen trappers in pledge, we've trapped kimberly in this glass box... with all this dust. well, it's only dust. in that dust are allergens from pet dander and dust mites. eww! pledge with allergen trappers...

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welcome home, man.

greg-alogue. >> greg: so on a recent radio show hosted by the reverend al sharpton a caller called in with a theory about michael jackson's death. he blames sarah palin. according to the caller maybe she did something to michael jackson and stepped down because something is about to come out. i used to call loveline 20 times a night just to complain about the mix cities live in my teeth. sharpton said all right, that is interesting, i will put it out, we will see. >> that is not surprising because sharpton never met a conspiracy he didn't embrace or hope. years ago so who cares, right? any hoo, i love conspiracies, when an event occurs that can be easily explained like say a

pop star overdosing on pills the demeanted energy like worms with complex theories that defy logic and pampers. look at the truth ires under a dome of self-inflicted idiotcy convinced they know the truth when they only know how to turn their underwear inside out? why is it that people that claim conspiracies never put thoughts into stuff that affect their actual lives like school work, hygiene. if you disagree with me, then you, sir,, are worse than hitler! [ laughter ] >> greg-alogue. >> we are going to get letters from hitler. we are going to get letters from hitler. >> greg: i only make fun of people who are dead, though. >> all right, we will not be getting letters from hitler. we will not be getting letters from hitler. >> there are any conspiracies out there that you buy into?

>> quite a few. i think that the fbi is controlling your mind using laser beams. i think that bill schulz and the coppertone people, i don't want to go into that. but i think sarah palin is guilty and it is of being hot. fox news needs to give her her own show right away. >> it has to come on after 6:00. >> i like it. >> greg: rick, do you think that sharpton was just being polite when said we'll look into that or whatever? >> i think it probably caught off off-guard. i know from having taken phone calls on a live show you don't know what people are going to say and sometimes they say something a little crazy and i think al was trying to rush her off by being polite. give him slack here. did you see him at the michael jackson memorial? he looks amazing. not dying his hair any more, he

is letting the grey come out. >> greg: i loved his dancing. i don't know where it was. remy, why is it that people embrace conspiracies when simple explanations are easier to handle and make your life easier. >> money, sex and power are really the root of every major dispute. i don't think there needs to be a complicated multifaceted explanation for everything. people are just -- >> that is why i never have disputes with people, no money, no sex, no power. >> greg: bill, when i die i want you to have a conspiracy that i was killed by bill hemmer. >> you're half right. >> greg: the following block makes me feel all tingle in my bad space bathing suit area.

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pantene moisture renewal. healthy makes is happen. >> greg: hollywood is a never ending stump pump of gossip gruel. sillwillis, bruise pitt, sylvester travolta. they are our royalty which means it is time for proobs' goop. his take on the celebrity dirt that floats in the toy toy we call tinseltown. gwyneth paltrow, apparently detoxing again after having finished a week long clean

detox program and wrote that she feels pure and "much lighter." greg, is this going to have an amazing impact on hollywood? >> it will. i want to congratulate the writers at "red eye" for coming up with proobs poop. >> me for that one. g and g. >> i can smell the wit coming through the screen. this will. i love that she uses the adjective amazing. so many things amazing. sunrise over the grand canyon amazing. polar shot from the earth amazing. this is not quite amazing to me. here is something that i can disclose to you because i am picking up the glitter here in hollywood and prooping it back

at you. in a related story, lindsay lohan is actually having her colon poisoned just to prove a point. >> i like that point. i want to move on to the great actor lorenzo la mass. he is leaving his -- lamas leaving his fourth wife after it emerged that she was sleeping with his 18-year-old son a.j. a friend of the actor calls it the ultimate betrayal from this model. this is a fox news alert i'm lauren sivan in new york and you are look at live pictures now of andrew's air force base. take a look, this is the president and the first lady and their two daughters of course now back on u.s. soil. they are returning from a three nation overseas trip to russia, italy and gana and during the trip met with russian

president. he met with pope benedict xvi and the last leg of the trip taking the president to gana and that is where he urged lawmakers to shed corruption and conflict in favor of peace. you are look at live pictures of the first family just arriving back in the u.s. following their whirlwind overseas tour. i'm lauren sivan in new york. now, we take you back to "red eye" which is already in progress. >> joyce dewitt from three's company. what is it with the '70s sitcom stars, greg? what's going on here? >> i think it has been -- what's happening, greg, is exactly this. they can't live the gwyneth paltrow life any more. i have this from an exclusive source. shirley jones is going to get

potted up on reefer and drive her van into a home depot garden center next week wearing the part ridge family hot pants. that should be a goody. >> greg: fantastic. i read that it appeared the brady bunch were going to reunite on oprah but fell apart because eve plum is still peeved at maureen mccormick because she said as a joke that they were having a lesbian affair. how deep is the rift? >> this is rocking the brady bunch down to the very core. as we all know if there was one lesbian on the show it had to be alice. she met sam he worked with meat and there was the in ewen dough the time. at

>> greg: don't you have a feeling that cindy is feeling a bit left out? >> she is. she feels like the dog who no one can remember the name of >> ralph. tiger. no, sam was the butcher. >> who was the butcher? >> he was in the honeymooners. >> greg: he was. big news in the eddie furlong world. i know that you have been following eddie for quite some time. divorced after three years! weret you think they going to going to make it, these two crazy kids were going to make it forever? >> when a star crossed couple like that breaks up, what chance do the rest of us have? i love edward furlong and -- oh, golly. just looking at his picture

there cut me off short in my tracks, greg. >> greg: the one on the right. >> yes, just when you are about to make a sizzler joke it all doesn't seem quite as funny, does it? he had to fight the terminator and i think that takes a toll on any young child and he did a movie called detroit rock city that had ron jeremy in it. if you have dressed next to him in a dressing room it is enough to make any one wobbly after that. >> greg: he was on this show and i have is to say he smelled really. >> lots of just for men on areas that there shouldn't be any. >> a smelly sweaty guy. enough of this. do you have a comment on the show? e-mail us. redeye@foxnews.com. and to leave a voicemail on the direct line call 212-462-5050. still to come, the halftime

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to go where others can't. and traps and locks dust and allergens. swiffer cleans better or your money back guaranteed. [ phone vibrates ] ♪ don't you want me baby? >> greg: andy, i parked my car and an hour later i found this

flyer on my windshield. the jews did it. and then it says look into the deaths ed mcmahon, fai farrah faucet and the address which is on abe gail son strausser boulevard happened to by your apartment and it says bring your own funons. >> i have no idea of any such meeting. the july ten teenth falls between july 11 teenth and. >> greg: imaging go. just don't put it on my car. >> okay. not me. weirdo. >> kiss a sea lion for 200 bucks. rick, you said when you were single there was a girl and two gardens that would give you something like this.

are you claiming that now that you are not single she no longer does this? >> i don't glow you're claiming you don't know? >> right. >> all right. remy, you said think about the germs. but by that stupid logic you shouldn't frequent hookers either. >> i don't agree with you. hooker is not good and kissing seals is not good. >> greg: you are talking to a whoremonger right now. >> bill, you said you love aquariums. for the last time you weren't at the aquarium and that wasn't a jelly fish you creepy little pan sexual dilitante. >> had nothing to do with the trip to whereever i was. >> earlier in the show you talked about back when you were single and then said in this

story you still think about your fourth grade teacher miss simmons from time to time. i'm guessing after this show you will be single. >> greg: check out the jelly fish. >> remy, you were upset that the other girls in the class would be upset that the teacher didn't marry him. that is not fair, he married the one girl because she proposed to him. >> she had a lot of guts, that is for sure. i'm pointing out a different part of the story that people probably weren't thinking about that it probably had an effect on one of the kids. >> one of the typical lawyer lies. >> i'm feeling hostility today. >> he was in the newsroom all day. rick, you said you do stories as a serious newscaster. i'm told not so much any more. >> this drug oddly pronounced correctly by greg is a soil

sample found on easter island. i was a little surprised proobs didn't bring it up. >> sorry. my notion is that the olsen twins are carrying around the giant mega lifts as their heads, that is why they have so much trouble standing up. their heads are the size of easter island. greg, you asked why is it that people who claim the conspiracies never put that much into their school and hygiene and then you said blame the jews only they can keep so many disruptive minds busy thinking about nothing. >> we couldn't do it without the big people at the pentagon who keep the population docile. >> you left out the trilateral commission.

>> what a point, greg. >> read more about this in my new pamphlet con speary, how the jews and their friends keep the truth hidden. i wrote it today but it is dated the ten teenth. >> that looks like a takeout menu. i don't trust him. >> i don't think you can blame the jews and then say if you disagree you are worse than hitler. >> greg: that is part of that weird cult i belong to. >> youth for hitler. >> greg: yes. >> you said you loved al sharpton's dancing but you didn't know where it was. i believe he was getting his groove on at the apollo theater. let me welcome back remy spencer. she knows criminal laws like i

know seasonal >> greg: ever wonder what pinch and right-hand man bill schulz do with the other 23 hours in the day. if you are like me, no. if you aren't like me, sit back and relax and enjoy another marvelous episode of pinch and me. it will likely make you eat the flesh off of your face. it is up to you, really. [crying] >> what are you doing? >> goodbye cruel world. i'm ending it. it's done. snead ♪

pinch, you have too much to live for. i know this is a crazy internet world and you are just pages. you can mean too much to too many people. >> i'm thinner than the village voice and i feel twice as anorexic. the only people that read me of pompous. i'm not the cat's pajamas. quite the opposite. >> don't do this. >> ister nothing to live for. >> you have all the news that is worth the print. ♪ you are simply the best, better than all the rest ♪

♪ you're simply the best, better than all the rest ♪ >> come mere, pinch is trying to off himself. >> oh, my gosh. >> he is in the shredder. talk him down, please. >> listen pinch. we all have problems and we are all going through tough times right now. you don't have to do this. just keep in mind you're just a [ bleep ] paper. >> greg: pinch, that was tremendous acting on your part. >> well, i'm a little down, greg. unfortunately, double played by the boston globe. you still have the herald there, boston. very sad. tough times for print, you know. >> greg: very very tough times. we have to move on. thank you, greg, you will be in

new york. can't wait to see you. stick around, stick arounders for something that is totally unsticky, honest. why has green tea defaced mount rushmore? interesting question. karl, don't you have friends coming over?

yeah, so? it stinks in here! have you smelled this chair? or these curtains? you've gotta wash this whole room! are you kidding? wash it?! let's wash it with febreze!

whoa! [ sniffs ] hey mrs. weber. [ sniffs ] hey, it smells nice in here. you know, i like to keep things fresh. helps me concentrate. [ male announcer ] for all the things that you can't wash, wash it with febreze. >> greg: so why the long face? well, environmentalists scaled mount rush more, whatever that

is, to unfurlong a banner alongside lincoln's face. on the it said bill schulz sucks. thankfully it was removed an hour after it was put up. 11 people face charges. joining us is harold, founder of the website talking about the weather.com. he is also working on a book about the climate change debate. he knows rain like i know pain. harold, what do you make of the guys that went u there? did they accomplish anything? >> they are kind of outdoorsy. so their credit, they think wax and markey doesn't no go far enough but i can agree that it should bed, that is what i will say about them. >> greg: what is the guy, boner said he calls it a [ bleep ]. how do you -- you would agree

with him on that, i would imagine? >> i would, i haven't read every word of it. read more than your average congressman i'm going to guess and it is a very unwieldy document. not a sharp tool if one wants to retool the economy and save the environment. i think it is broad and muddled. i can see why somebody might refer to it in some particular way. >> it could be the energy cap and trade and all that stuff. do you think warren buffett -- did you see that warren buffett decided he is getting out of windmills? is it worth while or a waste of time. >> spain, germany and the netherlands that have run the fartherrest with wind power are basically pulling the plug. they are not trying to convert the economies, the power system to make serious use of wind.

you need to have redundant backup systems. it is not a magic bull let and he is acknowledging that but also did not want to have to mosque it across the state of texas. >> greg: your book is called don't sell your coat, and it's a long title. >> let's call it don't sell your coat. >> greg: okay. >> basically i'm giving credit to scientists who question the orthodox view of global warming and turns out that there are more of those skeptical scientists than a lot of us know. for instance, they were profiled quite a number of them in the book "the deniers" and i basically continue that work to reveal the fact it is not a bunch of know nothing to question global warning. in many cases it is the best scientists in their field and

so it is about the fact that in fact, it is possible we are going to get cold. >> yeah. >> colder. but no one actually knows. the truth is that nobody can predict five years from now, let alone 50, let alone 100. they are making it up as they go along. this is an infant science. the science is not in. saying that it is is basically pure ignorance. >> greg: you talked about a scientists, i'm sure you know the name. probably the most respected guy on the planet and literally was disowned. they disown you if you don't tow the religion line. >> it has a lot of guilt mixed in, a lot. >> am i the science guy? >> i believe so. >> i thought of that. you were shunned.

>> greg: enough of that. go ahead. >> scientists are cast out. a solar physicist who lost his office at harvard, not his position on the faculty but they get cast out physically and metaphorically. henry simsmark i believe will win the nobel prize about cosmic rays. not to use science or anything on you, bill. he has been shunned in the lunchroom. shunned by colleagues, friends. has no corporate lending in the field or anything of the kind. he is a scientist and they really do get punished for trying to do original work at this point. >> when is the book coming out? >> october. >> great news. i have one question, do you

sense there is a turnaround here on what you couldn't say a couple of years ago and you can say now. there is more to talk about. >> i'm not sure because i was an adherent of global warming for a long time and i have only changed my own views. the book in mart is about my conversion experience, if you will. i'm finding that you can talk about this and not get thrown out of parties. you might get vibes once or wise. people realize that is a lot is on the line. >> climate is not going forward with the computer models. it simply isn't. what happened in new york this summer is just weather but nonetheless, it is not nothing and the weather doesn't seem to be fiverring the computer models. >> harold, thank you so much. check out his website talking about the weather.com.

also check you the his music on my myspace. all right, coming up "male time." woohoo! it's really hot out. and that beret is really not hot. i am all roots and no time. i gotta run. no! ooh! ah...! ah! ooh! that was impressive... did you know you can easily touch up your roots-- without a salon. ta-da! root touch up-- specially designed for roots or grays. that pop up between regular colorings. in 10 minutes... bzzz! you're flawlessly matched and completely fresh. i feel so much better. live with roots, or get a boost? root touch-up by nice 'n easy. your right color.

i'm sorry. i can't hear you very well. announcer: does someone you know have trouble hearing on the phone? dad. dad, let me help you with that, okay? announcer: now, a free phone service

shows captions of everything a caller says. i'd like to make an appointment to see the doctor. announcer: to learn more about captioned telephone, call 1-800-552-7724 or go to our website. i'll see you at 3:00! announcer: captioned telephone - enjoy the phone again! >> oh, punishment. >> see that coming. with your back turned. >> that had to sting. >> greg: yeah, if i had a dollar for every time i got hit in the butt with a ball, i would be a very rich man. the packages have arrived.

stack them out back. i'll be there in a second in a shorty robe. "male time." you write, i read. then we make gazpacho out of blood. that is easy. step by bill's apartment. 3893. bill doesn't mind visitors during the night. also he likes it when you sneak up on him and bludgeon him with a hammer. >> is that on my match.com profile? i believe i took this out. >> greg: brian checks in, which is the same as writing.

i can't help but notice tv's andy levy looks so uncomfortable when is on camera so long. what is up with that? >> you would be uncomfortable when you were thinking about the evil, evil jews who control all the media and the hair lightening products. that is killing tv's andy levy. also, he is lactose intolerant. >> can we show them side by side, all mighty production people? and you are not far off there. >> it's not good. >> i think we found a better comparison. >> that is an actor. >> greg: how about this one? >> no. >> greg: it is a little bit like joey ma moan. and finally -- yes, yes! >> no! >> greg: yes. >> he is not even tan. >> why do you look like so many people?

>> you look like a lot of people, not of which we compare. i have been compared mostly by my mom to a very young and secy cindy williams from laverne and shirley. >> you probably get stopped by laverne and shirley fans. i wonder if bill would be charged only one fare if the stool on ryan air is turned upside down, thus allowing him and three friends to be seated comfortably on one stool. >> greg: you have the whole thing backwards. the stools are usually sitting on bill. we will close things out with tv's andy levy. and to see recent clips of the and to see recent clips of the slow, go to foxgasoline. news.com/redeye. ngines from performance-robbing gunk. try new nitrogen-enriched shell gasolines.

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>> greg: coming up tomorrow on the next "red eye," return appearances from fox news contributor father jonathan morris. he is delightful. jill dobson, she is delicious. andrew brightbart. and we will do another edition of father knows best. got a question for father morris about the lifestyle of a priest for some deep religion question, e-mail us and put ask the father on the subject line. >> not ask the greg, ask the father. >> greg: time to go back to tv's andy levy for the post game wrapup.

>> remy, made any new friends late li? >> thanks for asking. will copeland and many others fighting in iraq are huge fans of you and the other guys on the show. >> it was nice you pretended they are friends of bill, too. >> but they called me cindy, didn't they? >> rick what was your favorite moment at the michael jackson memorial? >> i'm glad you asked when buckles the chimp and corey and emanuel lewis did the medley from off the wall. >> where was the video? i did not see that on you tube. >> greg: got to go. thank you, andy. remy, always wonderful. bill schulz you disgust me! rick, always a pleasure. please come back. that does it for me. i'm greg gutfeld and i shall see you next time. what am i doing? captioned by, closed captioning services, inc.