get out ! uggghhh ! ali: whoo-oo, i'm holding a cannabis card ! judy: whatever. nick: is that it ? you sure ? 'cause i could stay in here another 20 minutes. i'd be totally dehydrated, holy ( bleep ). all right, that's it. holy ( bleep ). all right, that's it. ( whistling ) captioned by soundwriters™ commentator: i'm onto you ! narrator: tonight... 20 criminals caught in the act. man: oh, okay, that clears it up. narrator: armed and dangerous thugs. commentator: give me the money in the register ! open it up ! what you got, a screwdriver ? what, you crazy ? narrator: crooks who leave nothing to chance. commentator: scratch-off, man. "lucky 7." man: now, that is a gambling problem. narrator: desperate thieves stealing six strings... commentator: easy. easy, strings. narrator: ... and outlaws

in nothing but g-strings. commentator: oh, this one's open. yeah, come here ! man: i wish a girl in a bikini would break into my car. narrator: featuring our tight-knit cast of celebrity commentators. danny: i have yarn. don't make me use it. narrator: it's "the smoking gun presents"... commentator: oh, damn ! narrator: ... "the world's commentator: oh, damn ! narrator: ... "the world's dumbest criminals." closed captions provided by trutv ( siren blaring ) late at night in a florida supermarket, two cashiers head for home. ( bell dinging ) commentator: oh, easy, easy ! yo, it's a stickup, man ! stickup, get on the ground ! you got him, you got him ? yeah, let's go, let's go ! get up, get up, get up ! we're going back. let's go. narrator: the armed assailants force the workers into a back room where a manager is securing the store's safe. commentator: over there ! get all over there. yeah, you too ! down on your knees !

stay on them, right there. let me check this stuff out over here. what we got here ? all right, i'm out of here, man. narrator: thinking the robbers are gone, the manager dials 9-1-1. but the thief catches her and reaches for the phone. commentator: you don't call no one. oh, man, come-- get off me, man ! why does it always gotta be me, man ? tom: all i gotta say is this guy is totally phoning in this robbery. ( rim shot ) commentator: get off me ! damn phone ! matt: the phone cord is like this criminal's kryptonite. commentator: shoot. come on, man, i gotta go. chris: he kept-- he kept like this. he couldn't get the phone-- commentator: let go, let go ! get off me ! damn it ! leif: the more you pull, the tighter it gets. commentator: get off my leg, man ! crazy-ass phone ! operator: please hang up and try your call again. danny: ouch, ( bleep ) ! commentator: get this damn thing off me, man. what the hell, man ? billy: i bet that thief wishes the supermarket had invested

in a cordless phone. commentator: damn ! woo ! let's go, let's go, let's go ! chuck: and then, you don't even know which door to make your exit ? john: looked like birds flying into glass. commentator: no, no, no, man ! over here, fool. narrator: the robbers eventually get away with over $10,000 in cash, but thanks to security-camera footage, the two are soon arrested and charged with armed robbery. tonya: thank god for the phone cord. commentator: get off me ! damn it ! you crazy-ass phone ! narrator: in an oklahoma city convenience store, a man with a six-pack of beer tries to rob the register. billy: he makes his point clearly.

he makes his point repeatedly. and he makes his point emphatically. man: i think we have a debate-team captain here. richie: i love the clerk. "no, it won't open ! it won't open !" danny: give me the money now ! hurry, hurry ! man: i'm sorry, i don't-- it's broken, man, i don't-- danny: now, now, hurry ! give it to me now. bryan: the whole thing is not working. i don't know how to do it ! chuck: let me try smashing every key at the exact same time, 'cause that always works. kevin: i would like to see how he'd dial a phone. matt: come on ! why isn't it working ?

nick: that doesn't look suspicious, does it ? narrator: the thief remains at large. police suspect he's looking for a crowbar. kevin: one day i'm gonna figure out how to open that thing. and when i do, holy cow. man: somebody take my cash register ! somebody take my cash register ! commentator: hey there, can i get a scratch-off, please ? narrator: a woman in florida tries her luck on a scratch-off lottery ticket. commentator: there you go. good luck. thank you. oh, my god ! ( screaming ) woo-hoo ! narrator: it turns out the ticket is a winner worth $500. she joyfully hugs a clerk and shows off the winning ticket. commentator: oh, my god ! $500 ! woo-hoo ! winning ticket, man, she won. oh, shoot, let me see ? look, right here, i won. i got it. she won ! brad: hey, everybody, look, i won ! who wants to see it ?

here, pass it around. pass-- no, i trust you. commentator: $500 right here ! can you believe it ? yo, can i see that again, let me see ? yeah, you wanna see it ? look, look, here it is. mine now ! hey, hey ! jaime: what is that there you got ? yoink ! commentator: let me see. see you later ! ( screaming ) narrator: the winner chases down the thief and her posse. a desperate tug-of-war begins. commentator: finders keepers, finders keepers. you ain't getting the ticket ! you ain't getting the ticket ! jaime: no, hey, give me that ! give me-- no, that's mine. please, i was gonna buy a pony ! commentator: i got your shirt ! i got your shirt, you bitch ! you took my ticket, i got your shirt ! finders keepers, girl. yeah, you can keep my shirt, girl ! tom: you're not gonna get your $500, but at least you have someone's dirty shirt. commentator: oh, no, it's my ticket ! i got your shirt ! narrator: stolen loot in hand, the thief and her accomplices look for the nearest getaway car. commentator: yo, taxi ! kevin: invest in your own getaway car. it'll be worth it. narrator: with help from

the cab company, police track the ticket grabber to her house and arrest her. the lucky ticket is never recovered. tonya: i mean, it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity sometimes for people to win something decent, you know, in the lottery. billy: it's such a shame that the woman lost her $500 winning lottery ticket so she couldn't go and buy 500 more lottery tickets. narrator: coming up, a getaway gone wrong. commentator: do not run from me ! todd: ( bleep ), that hurt. narrator: plus... commentator: ooh, these sunglasses look awesome. narrator: ... who says petty thieves can't be pretty thieves ? man: you're wearing a bikini to a robbery ? ( bleep ) yes, i'm wearing a bikini, i'm gonna look hot ! narrator: and the store so nice he robbed it twice. chuck: apparently there are not too many places to rob in spanaway, washington. narrator: when "the world's dumbest criminals" continues. walmart checks other stores' prices

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( siren blaring ) commentator: yeah, i got the perp in cell one-- over. yeah, why don't you go over there and empty your pockets for me ? narrator: in kansas, a man is booked after his arrest on an outstanding warrant. kevin: nothing says class

like a hat of pretend money. commentator: yeah, all right, there you go. get my stuff, man. do what you need to do. that's fine, man. do what you need to do. see you later. i got a perp on the run, perp on the run ! you're not gonna catch me, man ! ( groaning ) yo, man, hold up, hold up ! nah, man ! yo, my hat ! yo, my hat ! hold up, man, my hat ! i need some help up here, i need some help ! stay down ! easy, i was just playing, dude ! danny: when cops have you in custody, they've got their eye on you. if they can catch you outside, they're definitely gonna catch you on the inside. commentator: all right, there you go. get my stuff, man. kevin: when he escapes, he just sort of nonchalantly starts walking fast. commentator: do what you need to do. i'm out of here ! i need assistance ! i need assistance ! hold it, freeze ! aw... shoot ! michael: i'm sure that cop, inside his head, when that kid took off, he was like, "oh, yeah !" this is gonna hurt ! bam !

tonya: that officer, man. talk about a body slam. commentator: oh, no you don't ! leif: take him out with a nice-- huh ! you know ? commentator: you ain't getting away, you ain't running ! you do not run from me ! todd: ( bleep ), that hurt. commentator: on your feet ! what happened to my hat ? what happened to my hat, man ? it's a $100 bill hat ! narrator: the c-note recidivist is recaptured and sent to jail. john: that's a real $100 bill. how did you keep the $100 bill if todd was here ? todd: that's a real $100, isn't it ? man: don't even think about it, todd. commentator: what's up, girl ? narrator: it's mid-afternoon at this alabama mini-mart. commentator: yo, what's up ? what ? give me the money in the register, girl ! yo, what's up ? i'm not playing around, man ! what, you robbin' ? give me the money in the register, open it up ! open it up, man ! what you got, a screwdriver ? nick: who robs a store with a screwdriver ? commentator: what you got ? shut up, give me the money, girl ! stop poking me !

shut up ! what, you crazy ? give me that money in the register right now ! kevin: he probably could have just gone around the store and picked up something more dangerous. commentator: let's go. let's go, let's go, yeah. give me that money ! take all that money. go out-- fives, 20s, twos. get your crazy ass out of here. don't play with me ! don't move, neither, don't do nothing stupid ! no, no, i'm not doing nothing. i'm not telling no one ! just get on out of here ! chuck: any woman brave enough to wear that hairstyle is not afraid of some punk with a screwdriver. commentator: just get on out of here ! you crazy ? narrator: the clerk activates the store security system, locking the thief inside. commentator: oh, yeah. where you going, fool ? now what you gonna do ? tonya: she's like hell no ! michael: screwdriver. ( bleep ), please ! commentator: oh, hello, police ? yeah, i got someone here robbing me. yeah, why don't you come here and pick him up ? uh-huh, that's right's dumb-ass, they coming right now to pick up your ass. no, you didn't. billy: i don't get this at all. couldn't he have unscrewed something to get out ? commentator: there ain't

no back door. there ain't no back door ! todd: you ain't robbin' me. ( bleep ) messin' with my little-- you like my hair ? commentator: yeah, the cops coming right now. oh, hell no ! all right, ma'am, where is he ? back here ? mm-hmm. freeze ! yo, man, it's cool. put your hands in the air ! put your hands in the air ! let me see 'em ! all i got's a screwdriver ! narrator: the police take 20-year-old taurus shackleford into custody and charge him with first-degree robbery. kevin: this is the same sort of direction that my cousin impala mccaffrey went. you know, when you name someone after a mediocre four-door sedan, there's only one way your life can go. commentator: there you are, officer. you take him right out to jail. yo, man, i got screwed ! no pun intended neither. shoot ! narrator: at a louisiana condo complex... commentator: shh ! check it out, over here, let's go ! narrator: ... security cameras catch two teenage girls acting

suspiciously in the parking lot. commentator: oh, this one's open ! yeah, come here ! i got some good stuff ! nick: i wish a girl in a bikini would break into my car just so i could meet her at court and maybe get something going. danny: okay, girls ! come on. i'm here for the robbery ! we're gonna rob some cars, right ? commentator: ooh ! these sunglasses look awesome. i'm taking these. i can't believe they left their cars unlocked. they are so stupid. matt: really, who would notice two hot young girls in bikinis ? commentator: what'd you find ? a wallet. oh, my god, you look so good, by the way. i know ! narrator: the duo makes off with wallets, sunglasses, and a gps. commentator: oh, my god, that was so easy. i told you, pretty girls can get away with anything. billy: oh, hi, honey, how you doing ? you having a good time on spring break ? commentator: yeah, i'm having a great time. billy: good, you're not getting into any trouble, are you ? commentator: no, we're all good. billy: yeah ? are you with bambi ? commentator: yes, she's here. billy: good, honey. now, do you need any money ? commentator: no, i'm pretty good

with money. billy: any sunglasses ? commentator: no, i have sunglasses, too. billy: do you need a global positioning system ? commentator: nope. billy: no, you got all that ? okay, sweetie. have a good time. commentator: okay. billy: love you. commentator: they're so crazy. this is not a safe neighborhood. narrator: a guilty conscience later leads one girl to bare it all. she confesses to police, whereupon she and her partner are arrested for burglary. nick: the depressing part of this, if you add the girl's ages up together, and i'm still 15 years older than 'em.

judy: i love that they are like best friends. hey, no problem. let me just get that money out for you. how you doing ? any-- do you need any more money ? chuck: apparently there are not too many places to rob in spanaway, washington. kevin: he robbed the store twice a week apart in the same shirt. dude, change your ( bleep ) shirt. steal a shirt from somewhere. do that. ( rim shot ) richie: he's like shecky greene behind the counter. try the veal ! i'm here all week !

brad: that's actually funnier than half of the cast members on this show. now cut to... tonya harding ! tonya: if the guy recognizes you, then obviously, you're had. so maybe you should try another supermarket or convenience store or maybe not at all. how about that one ? yeah. narrator: despite his complete lack of cunning and guile, the thief remains at large. billy: the good news is, this guy's a regular, and that is the key to small-business success, getting people in the store, week after week, even if it's just to rob you. narrator: coming up, a shoplifter with big ambitions. nick: it's not a harmonica, you dummy.

it's a guitar. narrator: and... commentator: yeah, let me get some more of this win for life. man: how are you gonna explain that ? hey, i just spend $400,000 on tickets. narrator: plus... billy: at least they didn't have to search his pockets. narrator: when "the world's dumbest criminals" continues. but put a ring of cheese in the crust and...jackpot! (announcer) introducing pizza hut's new stuffed crust pan pizza. your favorite pan pizza with a jackpot of melted cheese in the crust.

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what? we don't need these minutes anymore. we got that calling circle thing everybody else has. it's at&t's a-list, don, and it's not the same. we get unlimited calls to any 10 people on any network, but unlike everyone else the minutes we save, we keep. so? so why save minutes with your calling circle if they just expire at the end of the month? you're using that one. (announcer) introducing a-list with rollover. unlimited calling to any 10 numbers on any network and keep the minutes you save. only from at&t. take matters into your own hands. autozone is the one place with the expertise... you need to get the job done right. because "do it yourself" doesn't mean you have to do it alone. get in the zone. autozone. i'm a part of it. colonel, i'm in. more than 60 million americans have tried kentucky grilled chicken.

an entire grilled nation of believers... in that fall-off-the-bone taste. and now you can be part of it too. try a two-piece meal with 2 sides... and a biscuit for just $3.99. and taste for yourself why 60 million people unthink alike. make it 60 million and 1. unthink... and taste the unfried side of kfc. but it wasn't what i wanted to do, and i thought, i don't want to do this for the rest of my life i probably don't want to do it tomorrow. i told my dad, "i want to start a brewery." i told him, "i think you're crazy." i started sam adams with boston lager to make rich, flavorful beer. and he went and sold it one bottle at a time. no one had tried an american beer that had that kind of flavor. boston lager really was a groundswell. there's that saying, "do something you love "and you'll never work "a day in your life." i don't feel like i've worked for 24 years.

( siren blaring ) narrator: security cameras at this music store in maine capture a man browsing the guitar section. commentator: okay, easy does it, nice and smooth. and-- oh, oh ! easy. easy, strings, easy, strings. yeah, got my guitar. got my ax. todd: how you gonna shove a big-ass guitar down your pants and expect to get out of a store ? nick: it's not a harmonica, you dummy. it's a guitar. richie: what guitar ?

commentator: all right. yeah, i'm gonna play some mean guitar, man. play some metallica. play myself some poison. yeah. tonya: shoving a guitar down your pants. let me think. what part of this is just kind of stringy ? ha-ha. sorry, had to go there. narrator: the ax thief is caught and serves four months behind bars. one year later, while still on probation... commentator: one year older, one year wiser. okay, down we go. easy. "g" string. nick: comes back to the same store, stands in front of the same camera. michael: that's what 365 days of planning came up with. baggy jacket. commentator: okay, big old shirt over this sucker. okay, yeah, nobody's the wiser. daisy: the heart wants what the heart wants. and that guy's heart just wants to hump a guitar. commentator: oh, yeah, that's good, yeah. narrator: the man is arrested again and is back playing the blues at the county jail. michael: just grab it and run !

maybe next year that'll be your plan. commentator: ooh ! "g" string. narrator: outside a tampa courtroom, a tv crew films a juvenile offender on his way to sentencing. suddenly, the teenager bolts with law enforcement and cameramen in pursuit. man: stop ! commentator: all right... i give up, man, i give up. kevin: you might wanna run from a place that's not literally a courtroom surrounded by cops, 20 witnesses, a bailiff, a judge, photographers,

tv cameras and a reporter. that might not be the easiest getaway. matt: what kind of teenage criminal gets caught by a guy in a shirt and tie ? todd: you just shamed the black race, young man. should have outran that white guy. ( siren blaring ) chuck: well, let me tell you something, you cocky little bastard, we're not gonna show your face on tv. how about that ? michael: do something with his voice, too. "i want my face on the news !" ( distorted ) billy: just think of all the great things that might happen for you once your face is on the news.

tonya: "i want my face on the news." yeah, i've been there and done that, too. ( laughing ) narrator: the teen's escape attempt adds new charges to his rap sheet but at least his wish comes true. boy: i want my face on the news. billy: you know something, my friend ? your face being on the news is just the minor leagues. your face is now on "world's dumbest." yep. welcome to the big time. commentator: stand back, son, stand back ! narrator: a robbery is underway at this texas convenience store. commentator: fives, ones, 20s. stay there, don't do nothing. oh, what we got here ? narrator: but this bandit wants more than just currency. commentator: scratch-off, man. "lucky 7." what's this, "win for life" ? yeah, let me get some more of this "win for life." bryan: now, that is a gambling

problem, huh ? commentator: oh, damn, "grand slam fever" ? hell yeah ! michael: keep coming. it's like a-- it's like a magic act. i pull it-- you guys seeing this ? commentator: give it to me. give it to me, baby. get all this stuff up. daniel: how you gonna explain that ? hey, i just spent $400,000 tickets, i'm gonna go home and scratch the ( bleep ) out of 'em. ( commentator whistling ) tom: i love how at one point during the robbery, the clerk is so bored that he actually starts cleaning. commentator: ( whistling ) man, this dude loves the scratch-offs. michael: that is employee of the month right there. time to lean, time to clean. commentator: get all my stuff, man. oh, yeah. natalie: you think they'll be able to identify him by his ass crack ? commentator: damn, man. man, should have worn my belt, man. narrator: the robber also helps himself to cigarettes and the wallets of two employees. commentator: give me your wallet, fool ! yeah, you too ! here you go, man. narrator: unable to carry any more loot, the thief flees on foot.

commentator: i hit the jackpot, fool ! see you later ! hey, give me the phone, give me the phone, i'll call the cops. 9-1-1 ? yeah, man, we just got robbed ! narrator: the police soon catch up with the lotto larcenist and charge him with aggravated robbery. michael: the irony ? he never stole a penny. now i'm gonna scratch 'em off with the-- son of a bitch ! i can't scratch 'em ! ( siren blaring ) billy: well, at least they didn't have to search his pockets. leif: one of what things ? tom: oh, okay, that clears it up, thanks a lot. it's one of those things.

yeah, no, you told me it was one of those things. that's why he's driving naked, yeah, yeah, yeah. i thought it was some weird reason. jaime: get a fluffer before you go for a drive. you know, put some life into that thing. kevin: you know what ? i don't wanna see where you're hiding it. that's fine, we'll just make up a name, it's not a big deal. billy: and the cop gives wendell the blanket in a hopeless, hopeless, hopeless attempt to preserve his dignity.

brad: okay, now, hold on. cuffs-- this is-- okay, it's gonna be kind of hard. if you don't mind, i just-- bryan: oh, look, now you're ready for your toga party. michael: you're on double-secret probation now, sir. that is an "animal house" reference. toga ! narrator: do you like driving naked but hate being unprepared for those pesky dui stops ? then try the sleeket. it's a blanket with sleeves ! keep it in your car and you'll never be embarrassed again ! todd: yeah ! narrator: call now. coming up... commentator: come on, lift it, lift it ! no, it ain't gonna work, it ain't gonna work. too heavy, too heavy ! matt: it's almost like they design these atms so three idiots with a truck

can't steal them. narrator: plus, a nitwit has a nic fit. commentator: ultra lights... richie: there's registers behind him. he has no interest in cash. narrator: and later, bryan callen gets in touch with his inner pervert. bryan: ( moaning ) peach. narrator: when "the world's dumbest criminals" continues. want more info on the show ? leif: yeah ! narrator: follow us on twitter at twitter.com/worldsdumbest for exclusive behind-the-scenes updates about and from your favorite cast members. [ thinking ] burning, itching... t t the pain's the worst. i shoulda used... [ bump ] [ male announcer ] preparation h cream. burning, itching, plus maximum strength pain relief, on contact. the most complete relief, from preparation h. pain relief on contact. mom trusts the puffs lab can soothe his...

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( siren blaring ) narrator: a florida convenience store is closed up for the night... ( tires screeching ) ... when three men in a pickup show up looking to make

a withdrawal. commentator: let's go ! give me that chain, give me that chain, give me that chain. wrap it around, wrap it around. hook up the truck ! you ready ? go, go, go, go ! drive it, drive it ! we ain't got much, time, man, come on, let's-- ready ? let's lift it. come on, lift it, lift it ! no, that ain't gonna work. that ain't gonna gonna work. too heavy, too heavy, come on ! michael: when i say, "one, two, three, lift," one, two, three, lift ! commentator: yeah, push out, push out, push out, push out. it's too heavy. my arms are tired, boss. my arms are tired. gotta pull the handle, dude. brad: oh, god, okay. yeah, put it down-- no, i definitely-- i slipped a disc or something. i heard a cracking noise. it sounded-- it was like popcorn in my back. matt: it's almost like they design these atms so three idiots with a truck can't steal them. commentator: try again. switch positions, switch positions. yeah, dude, we need more people. we need more people to lift this up, let's go. you ready ? nick: how much do these atm machines weigh, really ? tonya: this atm machine weighs at least, probably 1,000 pounds. danny: hey, tonya, i got a little riddle for you. which weighs more ?

a thousand-pound atm full of money or a thousand-pound atm full of feathers ? tonya: okay. see if i can try and do this. commentator: too heavy, man. we need more guys. too heavy, too heavy. get in the truck, man. narrator: the men drive off empty-handed, but police id the vehicle and the thieves are quickly busted. kevin: so basically these guys are getting in trouble for stealing no money whatsoever. congrats. commentator: oh, yeah. narrator: not to be outdone, this salt lake city man sizes up an atm of his own. commentator: ride this right out. nobody'll even know what's going on, man. brad: if three middle-aged guys can't lift up the atm, you think your twinkie little body is gonna be able to bench-press that bad boy ? commentator: oh, yeah, man, this thing's got a lot of cash in it, man, a lot of cash. see if i could just slide this thing right out of here. pick this atm up. maybe i could push it out. let's see if i could just push

it out backwards like-- tom: i love how this guy thought he was just gonna be able to pick up an atm and leave the store with it. commentator: yeah, it seems like-- can't move it, man. john: ( grunting ) daniel: was he literally gonna dead-lift that thing and then try to book down the ( bleep ) road with it ? if he's doing that, he's alexia visalli in the '72 olympics for the russians taking home the gold. danny: that's the most out-of-date reference anyone has ever given on this show. benjamin franklin took a kite out. that's how rasputin was-- ask john wilkes booth. like otis on the andy griffith show. reference it, google, or whatever you kids do today. commentator: oh, man. thing's too damn heavy. gotta get some money, though, man. oh, i know what to do. hey, what's up ? yeah, i'm just gonna get some bubble gum. yeah, some of this money. what are you doing ? taking this money, man ! are you crazy ? taking this money and walking out of here. are you crazy ? i'll call the cops. call 'em, man. i'm out of here. see you later. come back here ! narrator: the man leaves with a few dollars from the register.

the atm remains in service. commentator: i'm sorry, dave, but you'll never steal from me. billy: when are we gonna invent a lightweight atm ? what are america's scientists wasting their time on ? commentator: 900 pounds, huh ? no problem. narrator: warwickshire, england. in the wee hours of the morning, two men break into a pub carrying cans of gasoline. commentator: more petrol. i got it, it's good. give me a match. oh, my ! i'm on fire, mate ! run ! get in the car ! tom: that's a good indication that it's time to get out of the arson game. commentator: ( screaming ) oh, my god ! i'm burning up ! ( screaming ) ( todd screaming ) billy: this is another one of these things that just always looks so much easier in the movies, doesn't it ? commentator: go ! all right, drive !

drive, quick, go, go, go ! drive, drive ! i'm on fire ! ( screaming ) kevin: they have a mini cooper as their getaway car. danny: yeah, baby, yeah ! kevin: usually, when you're thinking of what to purchase as your getaway car, the most important criteria shouldn't be, is it adorable ? yes ? i'll take it. commentator: i'm on fire, mate ! help me ! blimey, blimey ! pull over, pull over ! billy: dude, do you-- do you smell something ? nick: hey, can you open that window ? a little warm in here, isn't it ? billy: oh, man, you're burning. oh ! we're both on fire. narrator: the burning man throws his flaming t-shirt out the window. using dna from the charred shirt, police identify the firebug. he's arrested and charged with arson. danny: and now, it's time for "arson lessons with john enos."

john: when you burn a bar, you put the gasoline down, you don't traipse through it. you start in one corner and you work your way out. commentator: ( humming ) ( grunting ) ( whistling ) roger: i haven't seen a guy get over the counter that easy since a-rod bought steroids in the dominican. commentator: ultra lights. excuse me, sir ? can i help-- sir, do you need help ? you're not supposed to be back-- sir ? billy: i guess we should feel sorry for this guy. it almost seems like he's addicted to cigarettes, somehow. commentator: low tar. smokeless. richie: there's registers behind him. he has no interest in cash. natasha: if this guy tried, he could not put less thought into this robbery.

commentator: hey ! hey, fella ! hey ! hey, fella, what you doing back there ? where you going ? oh, no you're not ! i got you, i got you ! ( grunting ) you're not taking cigarettes from my store ! judy: i love that the manager/security guard guy comes and the other guy's standing there, just looking. not even helping. nothing. commentator: you're not taking cigarettes from my store ! you need help, no ? you good ? todd: i make $4.50 an hour. should i help the manager and injure myself ? no. but i'll pick the ( bleep ) when you're done. commentator: ( grunting ) you got him ? you got him, right ? let me go, fatso ! narrator: the fight continues out in the parking lot, but the jumpy bandit is able to escape. billy: next time, you might wanna steal a garbage bag full of nicotine patches, 'cause if you don't quit, this kind of thing is gonna keep happening over and over. commentator: wow.

that fella has a problem. yeah, but at least we got the smokes back. narrator: coming up... commentator: please don't shoot me, man. narrator: ... a shopkeeper turns the tables on a thief, then gives him lunch money. commentator: $40 for you. narrator: and later... ... on-the-job lessons from a thieving father. brad: maybe sometimes you shouldn't do the "bring your kid to work with you" day. narrator: when "the world's dumbest criminals" continues.

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doesn't turn into a costly one. and autozone is the one place with the expertise... and tools you need to do the job right... the first time. ♪ because "do it yourself" doesn't mean you have to do it alone. get in the zone. autozone. ( siren blaring ) narrator: it's after midnight at this convenience store in shirley, new york. matt: shirley... you can't be serious. narrator: shop owner mohammad sohail catches up on paperwork. commentator: boring, boring, boring. ugh, i hate paperwork.

yo, what's up ? it's a stickup, fool ! okay, my friend ! okay, calm down ! open the register, man ! give me the money, man ! i'll bat you up ! oh, damn ! please don't kill me, man ! please don't shoot me, man ! i'm so sorry. brad: it's like my nana used to say, don't bring a baseball bat to a gun fight. commentator: open the register, man, give me the money ! oh, damn ! nick: once somebody pulls out a gun, that bat might as well be a ball of yarn. danny: i have yarn ! don't make me use it ! commentator: please don't kill me, man ! please don't shoot me, man ! i'm so sorry ! okay, my friend, i understand. please don't kill me. i'm down on my luck. i lost my job. it's tough, i know. i know, i know. $40 for you. okay, you take that. for real ? thank you, man, thank you. i'm so sorry, dude. jaime: it's probably the first time that anyone has ever given money to someone while holding a gun. commentator: take the loaf of bread, for you. $40, bread. what else ? kevin: this store owner is like the greatest samaritan of all time. matt: i'm thinking of robbing

this guy. commentator: i tell you what. i'll give you some milk, too, okay ? milk, yeah ? i am gone ! thank you ! narrator: the shamed thief keeps the charity money but runs off without the bread and milk. commentator: where'd he go ? where you go, my friend ? judy: the ending was beautiful. if you love something, let it go. and if it comes back to you and tries to rob you again, give it $40 and a loaf of bread and some milk. commentator: farewell, my friend. good luck to you. narrator: and now, bryan callen with a run of particularly sensual clips that burst in at number four, three and two in our countdown. bryan: good evening and welcome. come with me on an erotic journey where the carnal and the criminal collide in clips so racy, we could only show them... after dark.

( moaning ) peach. tonya: it's "the smoking gun: after dark." bryan: cedar rapids, iowa. police thrust themselves into the middle of a lover's spat between a man and his lady. ( purring ) commentator: stay out of our business ! and while you're at it, kiss my ass ! todd: a white guy's showing his ass to the cops ? not sexy. commentator: kiss my ass ! bryan: officers counter the man's natural musk with some pheromones of their own. commentator: shoot the tear gas ! shoot the tear gas ! firing tear gas. fire in the hole ! ( popping sound )

bryan: then they move on to some light bondage. judy: why would i think that a guy getting arrested is sexy ? natasha: uh... what else you got ? bryan: want to try something new, eh ? cops in washington catch a man and a woman getting their rocks off. officer: here they are. yep, they're on the railroad trestle. there's two of 'em. bryan: throwing stones at cars from an overpass... in the nude. naughty, naughty ! officer: person took their clothes off. daisy: i gave you my credit-card number and there's not even a close-up on that gentleman's tushie. officer: she's putting her clothes on. nick: i can't even see any nipples. there's nothing sexy about this. officer: we're just taking them into custody. officer: all right, sir, good work. natasha: uh, this is not hot at all. i am so not horny right now. bryan: don't quit on me yet. we still haven't hit the climax.

it's 3:00 a.m. in detroit. rosalie is awoken by a sound at the door. she goes to the door and finds a mysterious stranger trying to force his way into her home. that's right. rosalie grabbed a hold of the intruder's man parts. and she tugged and she yanked without mercy. sans mercy. rosalie: and i took it and i pulled it. kevin: well, that was less sexy than i thought it was gonna be. bryan: hope it was as good for you as it was for me. i'll call you sometime. i swear. now, if you'll excuse me, i just gotta wet my mouth down with some grapes.

narrator: so far you've trembled in fear and laughter at 19 dumb criminals. but the dumbest criminal is still out there. watch his harebrained scheme right after this. commentator: stop poking me ! ( groaning ) %%%%%%%%%%

( siren blaring ) narrator: in fort worth, texas, a man steals a bait car... with his son. brad: maybe sometimes you shouldn't do the "bring your kid to work with you" day. danny: it was like robbing a car with mr. "t" and child. i pity the fool ! bryan: i really felt like they were bonding and having a great time. chuck: i wish i had spent more

time with my father... stealing ( bleep ). ( siren blaring ) leif: no way, dude. we got narcos. what's "narcos," dude ? narcs, you mean ? okay. john: the kid's just like, ( bleep ) you, you run, dad, i'm chilling. i'm a ( bleep ) kid. they ain't gonna do nothing to me. officer: unlock it. boy: unlock it, lolo. officer: hands up ! boy: hands up, lolo ! danny: did you notice the police were about to make the arrest, that the dad just leans back and puts up his zipper ? kevin: oh, wait, i better look nice for the cops. narrator: police arrest the driver, bringing the father-son field trip to an early end.

alan: you know, this reminds me of the road trips my dad and i would take growing up. hey, look out the window, bitch. you know what that is ? boy: mount rushmore, fool. alan: damn, little alan. you're one smart bitch. no way, we got narcos. we ain't stopping 'til we hit juarez. now, buckle up, fool, i'm gonna floor this bitch. chris: hi, i'm a robber, i'm at the-- i'm at-- brad: see ? that's why at least-- tom: you know, the worst thing about this adds-- you know, to add-- it doesn't-- tonya: atm, actually-- no, no, no. what'd you say again ? danny: that's the most out-of-rate destin-- oh, "out-of-rate destin" ? my mouth has not been working all day. chuck: so the way he got caught was on that particular day, the teller was just like, "so how are you feeling today, mrs. prusec ?" and she was just-- and he's-- aw, ( bleeps ) ! tonya: by the way, atm--