got a broken rotary table. got a broken rotary table. aah! pull on that mother [bleep] aah! mock commentator: ( humming ) ahhh ! narrator: right now... the smoking gun presents: the world's dumbest criminals-- loni: is that country crock narrator: featuring the legally suspect commentary of our celebrity panel. danny: this is my cannabis card. i don't smoke marijuana anymore, but i do use it to chop up my meth. narrator: another 20 bits of police-blotter fodder. man: somebody call 9-1-1 ! they are kicking my ass ! woman: ( bleep ) in aisle three. man: hey, great pickpocketing technique. narrator: plus, a special public-service announcement from leif garrett. leif: actually drinking gasoline, just lethal--

most other drugs aren't that taxing on you. narrator: it's the smoking gun presents: the world's dumbest criminals. narrator: it's the smoking gun presents: the jolly pirate donut shop in west virginia... mock commentator: ( humming ) narrator: but leaves without making a purchase. moments later, two masked men enter. mock commentator: all right, stick 'em up. don't move, grandpa ! narrator: and they're not here for the crullers. mock commentator: come on, now, need that money out the register. i will hurt you ! jo: okay, dumb ( bleep ), you shoulda changed your outfit. woman: how much cash is in a doughnut shop, you idiot ? doughnuts are what, 50 cents ? jo: oh, there's a ton of money in there, i just bought a ( bleep ) dozen--

baker's dozen. there's at least... 6 bucks in there. mock commentator: you-- take these for me. michael: and then, total absurdity of the entire clip, they steal scratch-off lottery tickets. mock commentator: oh, yeah ! jackpot ! michael: that's not money. nick: i think they're gonna win, 'cause they seem like a lucky couple. mock commentator: luck be a lady tonight ! nick: two losers, and they're sitting home in their shorts-- ( scratching noises ) narrator: but scratch beneath the surface of this doughnut holdup, and it gets even dumber. mock commentator: ( grunting ) aw, fiddlesticks ! narrator: these two "dunkin' numbnuts" are father and son. mock commentator: i love you, son. i love you, too, dad. woman: this is just-- it's really heartwarming. chuck: look how many men are screwed up in the head because they didn't get to spend quality time with their father. so on the one hand, this guy's father of the year. mock commentator: i'm glad we had this time together, son. i love you, too, dad. chuck: on the other hand, he's idiot of the year. mock commentator: who's up for hooters ? we're out of here. come on ! narrator: police use

the surveillance tape to track down the father-son team and serve them more than just baked goods. danny: actually, you're seeing, in this video, a rite of passage. the jews have a bar mitzvah. mock commentator: mazel tov ! danny: masai warriors have over the stolen cash register, 'cause he can no longer carry it, you, sir, have become a man. mock commentator: i got it. i love you, dad. narrator: a man walks into a milwaukee pet store, heads to the counter, flashes a gun... ... and demands the contents of the register. but the clerks quickly realize this robber is all bark and no bite. godfrey: what's up, huh ? nick: she knew right away.

she was like, "that's a toy." i think she worked at toys "r" us for, like, 11 years. she picked that thing out like that. godfrey: it's not a game, you hear that ? it's a gat, baby, you know what i'm saying ? new fisher-price style. jo: i'm gonna shoot you... with water ? godfrey: you think i'm playing, huh ? ( buzzing sound ) daisy: i love how easily defeated this guy is. jo: the door's locked ! they ( bleep ) turned the little button ! ( buzzing sound ) brad: they're not bothered by him at all. like this ( bleep ) happens every day, like this pet store's in south central.

leif: like that's gonna work, add "please," all of a sudden, out of nowhere. try politeness. loni: and now he's pleading with them. who's the bitch now ? narrator: the bandit, brandishing his plastic gun, scurries out the back door. police, equipped with actual firearms, easily track him down a few days later. ali: sad excuse for a criminal. jo: these two women should have a sitcom-- woman: you can't unlock the door. ( audience laughing ) jo: that's how cool these two chicks are. narrator: it was a forbidden romance... a love so powerful, it refused to stay private. a passion that ended in pain... ( man crying ) and prison. the smoking gun proudly presents:

the story of a man... and the object of his desire. officer: the first video we had, he was completely nude, and... he used the hole for the umbrella and have sex with the table. ( tape rewinding ) ... and have sex with the table. narrator: this erotic fable begins when a man in ohio notices his neighbor engaging in salacious behavior with some patio furniture... and begins videotaping. ali: what a weirdo ! doing it to a hole in a picnic table ? leif: dude, it's just wrong ! todd: i've done some weird sexual ( bleep ) before with women, but never some weird ( bleep ) with a table. godfrey: picnic-table porn-- what ? ahh ! "( bleep ) a table, part one" ! yeah, you like that, huh ? loni: can you imagine when they had the picnic ? ( sniffing ) william, what is that smell ? narrator: what made the act even more reprehensible was the perp's proximity to the local school. ( children laughing )

officer: it's, you know, less than 100 yards away from where the children have recess. danny: how far away from a school do you have to be to bone furniture and have it be pretty normal ? chuck: so, in other words, it would've been okay if he had done it-- you know, in the privacy of his own garage. pulled the doors down, put on a little luther vandross, you know what i mean ? get a couple picnic chairs set up around, 'cause i like to be watched. narrator: the "furnication" earned the fellow six months in jail and some counseling. meanwhile, the table sits at home on the couch, gorging on haagen-dazs, and wondering if he'll ever call. brad: a lot of women in a marriage can get past, you know, you had sex with a stripper, you had a workplace affair. dude, you ( bleep ) lawn furniture. that doesn't make her feel pretty. she's gonna have to watch a lot of oprah to get over that. officer: once you think you've seen it all, something else comes around. narrator: coming up,

break out the broom. mock commentator: i'll show you whippersnappers-- out ! out, i say ! narrator: there's a mess in aisle three, plus more advice for clean living from our celebrity cast-- todd: you don't rob a store when guys have big-ass knives like this. narrator: when the smoking gun's world's dumbest criminals continues. depression is a serious medical condition that can take so much out of you. i feel like i have to wind myself up just to get out of bed. then...well... i have to keep winding myself up to deal with the sadness, the loss of interest, the trouble concentrating, the lack of energy. if depression is taking so much out of you, ask your doctor about pristiq®. (announcer) pristiq is a prescription medicine proven to treat depression. pristiq is thought to work by affecting the levels of two chemicals in the brain, serotonin and norepinephrine. tell your doctor right away if your depression worsens or you have unusual changes in mood, behavior, or thoughts of suicide.

antidepressants can increase suicidal thoughts and behaviors in children, teens and young adults. pristiq is not approved for children under 18. do not take pristiq with maois. taking pristiq with nsaid pain relievers, aspirin, or blood thinners may increase bleeding risk. tell your doctor about all your medications, including those for migraine, to avoid a potentially life-threatening condition. pristiq may cause or worsen high blood pressure, high cholesterol, or glaucoma. tell your doctor if you have heart disease... or before you reduce or stop taking pristiq. side effects may include nausea, dizziness and sweating. (woman) for me, pristiq is a key in helping to treat my depression. (announcer) ask your doctor about pristiq. take matters into your own hands. autozone is the one place with the expertise... you need to get the job done right. because "do it yourself" doesn't mean you have to do it alone. get in the zone. autozone. vo: yowalmart checks other for sstores' pricesoney. and they'll match any advertised price. so instead of searching for "deals" out there...

you get everyday low prices, right here. vo: but put a ring of cheese in the crust and...jackpot! (announcer) introducing pizza hut's new stuffed crust pan pizza. your favorite pan pizza with a jackpot of melted cheese in the crust. a large one topping is just $10.99. pizza hut. america's favorite for pizza, pasta and wings.

narrator: two hammer-wielding teens enter a convenience store in england, intent on cleaning out the register. they attack the manager. but one store employee decides she isn't going to tolerate their behavior. mock commentator: out, i say, get out ! ahhh ! ahhhh ! it's scratching me neck ! she's-- ah, come on, now ! forget the money, it ain't worth it ! i'll show you whippersnappers-- out ! out ! nick: how embarrassing, they were running-- it's a mop, for christ's sakes. she's 55 ! you gotta dry-gulch her. brad: she's like the dirty harry of the geriatric society. mock commentator: go ahead, make my day. brad: at aarp, she's like a hero. godfrey: you come in me store with these antics !

well, i don't think so ! mock commentator: take that, take that ! it's a bloody broom ! get out, i'll show you ! it's scratching me neck ! brad: dude, you just got your ass kicked by a swiffer. if that gets out in prison, you are someone's girlfriend by lunchtime. bryan: nobody realizes... she soaked the broom in urine and left it overnight, and that stinks. mock commentator: take a whiff of that ! oh, it burns, it burns ! doesn't smell so good, does it ? it smells like poo ! oh, let's go ! bryan: it's a great hammer-wielding criminal deterrent. mock commentator: get out of me store, hi-ya ! brad: look at that woman. does she have any reason to wake up, other than to keep her cats from eating her face off ? ( cats growling ) she will kill you, sir. mock commentator: take the bristles and eat 'em ! out of me store ! danny: i've been given the brush-off by a woman before, but this is ridiculous. narrator: sweeping the toughs out of her store, she kept the crime... mock commentator: get out, i'll show them. narrator: ... and the grime out of this establishment.

mock commentator: as if i don't do enough around here, i've gotta clean up after these two. narrator: in this department store, security cameras track a known shoplifter. mock commentator: let's see, what i got up in here ? electric drill, hell, yeah. nothing to see here. ( whistling ) brad: dude, look at him stumble around. he looks like rick james on a bender. mock commentator: that's a "super freaky" socket wrench. ali: looking around like he had choices. "no, you're not "expensive enough. "no, no, no, no, i don't like you, i got you last week." mock commentator: nope, nothing out of the ordinary here, just a black man and his drill. narrator: mere feet away from a clean getaway, the shoplifter notices security guards noticing him. mock commentator: what's up over here ? uh-oh. you know what ? i ain't gonna get this today, after all. godfrey: oh, ( bleep ), let me put this right back. this is-- shame on me. what the hell was i thinking, trying to take a power tool ?

shame on me, i need to pay for ( bleep ) like this, huh ? mock commentator: check out what we got over here, steve. narrator: the guards step in and confront the would-be thief. mock commentator: excuse me, sir, do you have a-- mock commentator: hold up, officer ! damn, oh, damn ! michael: how fast was that guy with the little judo leg kick ? that guy's tough as ( bleep ). he was like, "no, you're down." mock commentator: whoa, whoa, hold up, officer, damn ! jo: "it's on the shelf, "it's on the shelf... it's on the shelf !" mock commentator: what's the matter ? i didn't do nothing. brad: that security guard is into his job. mock commentator: hold on, i got him, i'm taking him down. brad: he's been watching way too many reruns of cagney & lacey. mock commentator: whoa, hold up, officer. we got some perpetration going on in aisle six. todd: they get him up and he's like, "i don't know what you're "talking about, dawg. i ain't did nothing." mock commentator: yo, don't be forgetting my lid. narrator: before heading to lockup, the perp is whisked to the store's security office and checked for possession of any other merchandise. loni: you should see what he did in the lingerie department.

trying to take off those panties was a bitch. narrator: at a fresno casino, it's this guy's turn to bet. mock commentator: place your bets. narrator: out of chips, he chooses to sweeten the pot-- mock commentator: yo, i'll raise you this. narrator: with some... pot. tonya: what is this guy thinking ? i mean, are they gonna accept weed as part of a bet ? mock commentator: what's up ? it's legitimate, man ! todd: well, he ran out of money and decided he wants to put a bag of pot on the thing. and he was so stoned that he didn't realize that he'd done something wrong. mock commentator: that doesn't look like chips. sir, i can't accept that. leif: i'm moving to fresno tomorrow, 'cause i wanna be able to go to a casino where we can lay down bud to gamble with. mock commentator: let's go, give me a card, man. here's two dirty syringes. mock commentator: see, i'm giving you too much, too. you should've taken it while you could. todd: he goes, "oh, i put too much weed," so he grabs a couple of buds out,

puts some buds on there, and the security camera's like, "what just happened ?" mock commentator: let's go, take it. it's a baggie of pot, zoo, wise up and take it. chuck: "how about-- "let me see... "one, two, four buds. "four buds and a roach. what's that gonna get me ?" five to ten, dumb-ass. narrator: the casino calls the cops, but this "high" roller has an ace up his sleeve. he claims to belong to a cannabis club. man: he pulls out a cannabis card, but he got it on-line. so i'm sure it wasn't very legal. danny: this is my cannabis card. i actually don't use it, i don't smoke marijuana anymore. but i do use it to chop up my meth. officer: what exactly were you thinking at the time ? you don't know what i'm talking about ? narrator: police arrest the high roller for possession with intent to distribute. officer: you don't know what i'm talking about ?

jo: i just know i had a good hand, all right ? and when i said "all in," i meant all in. is locked up tight for the evening, no possible way for anyone to get inside. ( man screaming ) judy: ( bleep ) in aisle three ! nick: he fell through that ceiling like judd nelson did in breakfast club. ( man screaming ) mock commentator: aw, that hurt. todd: boom ! when he hit the ground, it took him about two minutes before he could even move. mock commentator: shoot, that hurt. slipped a disk ! shoot, ow. danny: this is the worst rendition of lionel richie's "dancing on the ceiling" i have ever seen. mock commentator: whoooaa ! jo: thank god he fell through the same aisle that carries canes. mock commentator: and a cane...

shoot, that's convenient. jo: now limp the ( bleep ) out of here ! mock commentator: ow ! oh, that hurts. brad: you broke into a pharmacy, dude. get an ace bandage, get some vicodin, and take the cash register. do i have to do everything around here ? mock commentator: dang, let me go over-- oh, shoot. verne: get some morphine-- you know, do it up. demerol, of all things. you know, get the good ( bleep ). mock commentator: ooh, eee... narrator: but rather than stocking up, he aborts the burglary and leaves the store... mock commentator: oh, man, this is not a productive day. narrator: empty-handed. chuck: he's crawling out of the store on all fours, maybe because he really at that point realized how humiliating this whole thing was for him. "let me just crawl out of here. "i can't even walk out like a man." ( man screaming ) narrator: in addition to the man-shaped hole in the ceiling, police find a single sneaker at the crime scene. it doesn't take long for them to trace it back to the man with one red shoe... hobbling down the street.

mock commentator: where can you buy one red shoe around here ? narrator: coming up... mock commentator: i'll give you a slice ! narrator: dinner... mock commentator: i got your slice right here ! narrator: and... a box of condoms: all the ingredients for a date at the courthouse... when the smoking gun's world's dumbest criminals continues. s foa? ñóñó at would you say if i told you that drivers...

who switched from geico to allstate... saved an average of $473 a year? no way! way.