welcome to "red eye." it is like stairway to heaven if by heaven you mean my custom made attic. andy, what's coming up on tonight's show? >> coming up on the big show, rahm emanuel is out as chief of staff, but why are some saying his replace meant is the cat's meow. and smoke em if you got em? not so fast cinncinati reds. remember the video levi johnston was supposed to be in? me either. >> thank, andy. >> is that all of the comfort you give me? >> makes you have scabs. >> i apologize for nothing. >> may pain overtake your life. go away. caution, you are about to enter the hot zone.

i am here with cheryl lazar, tv personality and bloger. she is so cute that when she sneezes she sprays cuteness around her. and he is rai publisher and so smart he does the s.a.t.'s for fun in vintage underoos. and it is bill schulz. he collects old issues of "highlights." and he reminds me of the uncle who made me feel funny. it is jim norton. if lil lair tee was -- if hilarity was ping wong i would spend hours fondle is his balls. and good to see you pinch. >> check out the technology section where we twitter ef havevan williams. alt -- a little tweet humor for you. >> we have critics. >> you are a little folded over. >> your lip has a bit of a curl.

>> doing my elvis impression. >> it has been awhile, but he has that thing to a science. >> all right. >> there is a rouse in the house, and is his love opposite of a mouse? i am referring to pete rouse. he loves cats and lives alone. he is like andy levy but successful. replacing rahm emanuel with a gentler soul who said he was devoted to his own house as obama was to hope and kenya. he is seen here away from his caps as a washington insider who served as chief of staff as well as tom daschle. but back to the cats. after obama first hired rouse, one former daschle staffer or daffer for short said this, "i speak for all daschle alums when i say learn to love cats, or at least talking about the

pete's cats. we found cat-shaped sugar cookies well received." he is not alone. and when he hit the white house they wrote of rouse, "he keeps photos of the kitties scatter scattered around his house. he obsesses about their well-being. he is a sucker for cat-themed knick-knacks." some suggest it is related to his lack of personal life. but who cares about those jerks? what do moose and junior think? they have been discussing the new job a lot. >> their mixed feelings are understandable. are these cats -- let's face it, are these cats going to be a distraction? >> i hope so, greg. what takes people's mind off unemployment like adorable cat stories? >> isn't it amazing? >> not married, likes kids, no

cats. >> you know his backyard is filled with secrets, and they aren't dead cats, andrew. andrew, you know, putin had like two giant tigers in which he gave one to the zoo. i might be making this up. i don't know anymore. and we have a cat lover in the white house. 1* this an impeachable offense, andrew? >> i find it weird you mentioned putin and mentioned the cats. you have been missing the entire story and right there in the putin thing. this is a shot across the bow about this man's sick, perverted sex life at home. read between the lines. he's into cats. >> this guy is into cats, you know what i'm saying? there is another term for it. this is a sign of his veer -- this is a sign of his verility. >> there is a phrase in the story, life long bachelor.

>> i know, i was surprised about that. when you are a bachelor you are hanging out with more than cats. maybe there are other felines involved like other types of breeds. but they also say which i found interesting, he was quoted as saying, he had no desire to be the outside person which makes sense. it all comes together. it really does. >> it really does. he is very predictable. >> what's his last name? >> gosh, i can't remember. >> rouse, this is all a ruse. >> i thought it was rouse. >> it is r-o-u-s-e. it is all a ruse. >> i think she missed the reference. >> it is an old-type tabloidy foresee create republican. -- for secret republican. >> what is more important, the chief of staff post or a scratching post? >> why not both? i love this guy. i love the fact how it shows what a hard worker he is. his whole life is politics and

those cute cats. i was ready to defend them until i heard about the pictures. the pictures on the desk, that's too much. that's when you are one step away from going ak-47. >> the pictures on your desk tell a story about who you are. the best thing to do is always have pictures that confuse people. for example, this is the picture on my desk. >> is that yours? >> yeah, and i have another one next to him. and then my favorite though. >> it is a hybrid. >> he likes bald men. >> it is jim and his family. >> are lonely people good for government? >> this creeps me out. i don't like any man that likes cat nicking thats, and i don't like a person that cose associates himself with that. you should know this about me. talk about his cats. shut up. nobody cares. >> i think he graduated from

the janet reno school of public servant. >> yes, i would say it is a tradition of this is your whole life. i actually kind of like cats, but i am not a fan of cat lovers. for that reason it was, let me show you pictures of your cat. if you have pictures of your cat in your wallet -- >> people do it with dogs. >> bought cats are weirder. >> i always thought, he is wonky. it means you have the figurines that you talk to when you go home. from cute cats to ding-bats. it is an avalanche of suck. i speak of the new music video by somebody named britney sensor featuring levi johnston about a meddling mother who get between a daughter and her boy. sound familiar? roll tape, tape rollers. >> brit. >> what? >> get down here now.

>> get down here. >> what is going on? >> what are you talking about? >> with that boy. >> what about him? >> i saw you. >> you saw what? >> you need to end it now. >> you don't care. >> ♪ do i deserve this ♪ it is the same thing over and over ♪ ♪ ready ♪ i don't need you >> even my bacne has goose bumps. they showed up at the teen choice awards. she is old enough to be his mother. she says they are not dating. they are just friends.

chiy and tippy. >> frankly i think we only need one of them. >> no. >> they are cute. >> with budget cutbacks why do you need two? >> it was a point, counter point. did you see the argument? >> i saw a lot of silence. jim, was a star just born? >> this britney is terrific. first of all, i know i am not the only one that likes her adams apple. you have to call them like you see them. they don't give your money back. we have all been through that. but it never stops me. it was just a dumb video. i watched it and all he did was rub her arm through the whole video. i watched it many times. >> and he was arrested and a

lot of high drama. high stakes. >> well, you are the entertainment person. some are drawing parallels to johnston's failed relationship with bristol to this video. >> it is a really deep story. it was like poetry. this is a huge metaphor for life and death and life and life again. and lots of babies. well, anyways, they obviously knew if they put him in it they would get a lot of press. we never would have heard of this song if he wasn't in this video. >> i would have. >> true. >> say what you will, he is gorgeous and here to stay. >> i will. >> he is getting a vanity award. >> this guy is trying very hard for fame. it is obvious. he is not the bright e guy in the world. that would make him world famous if he was to try parenting one day and then film it. one day of parenting and

everyone would watch and go, unbelievable. >> finally he did something worth while. levi is only, what, 13 years old? and he is infinitely more famous than you. it must eat you alive. >> i will speak for child sfs that one day of parenting is too much for that poor, poor child. he should be as far away as possible. but it wasn't really his life. everyone was saying how it was paralleling his relationship with the palins. the mom didn't look like her and she didn't look like bristol. the house wasn't in alaska. if it was paralleling his life, i watched it three times and not once did i see a shot of his junk, and i was looking. >> the video is ambiguous in terms of where the mother comes from. is she a pro palin person who is pis se d off he turned on the palins? or is it a move on .org mother because that person is in the proximity of the palins. there is not enough background. >> britney sensor sounds like something you would have in the house to warn you of -- >> of britney.

>> she was going throw up on you or give you herpes. >> it had the sex appeal of a weird al video. dumb. >> you know what it reminded me of, the original "office" -- >> then he made a video? >> yes. >> it looked like a fake video. >> hi, how are you? come on in. >> i poured you a glass of your favorite wine. i really know you. but i have been lying awake at night wondering if you really know me, because. ♪ if you don't know me by now ♪ ♪ you will never, never, never ♪ ♪ know me ♪ all the things ♪ that we've been through ♪ you should understand me ♪ like i understand you

♪ now girl i know the difference ♪ ♪ between right and wrong >> the girl in the video -- he couldn't even afford a picture of a hot model. that is the best. >> that is the photo that came with the frame. >> that's rude. i thought it was an attractive lady. >> that was ricky jervase. >> from a punch line to monkey shine. last year we told you about frank o'keefe's alleged plot to embarass -- >> oh god. i have to go. >> sit down. sit down. okay, go back. so, you remember wanted to embarass abbie by drow by secretly taping a meeting where he would fake seduce her with sex toys, lubes, and a blindfold. it was supposed to help him gain access to a music video she was in for conservative

activists. well it aired saturday night, and it does have awesome video of o'keefe making said music video. >> james would be staring in a music video, his come back moment. he didn't want us there, but the director did. he says the shoot was, quote, very successful, and the edited version will be posted on-line soon. >> that's a cut. ladies and gentlemen, that's a wrap. >> he hopes to team up with james again on more projects. >> and there was one new detail, there would be signage on the boat. >> but there were more e-mails from santa she received she received from james about the plan on the boat. in this e-mail, she says he gives her specific instructions. it reads, "please go to fed ex and printout pleasure palace

graphic on large banner. needs to be ready by late tonight, if possible." she says this is the poster he was talking about. it was supposed to be used on the boat. >> i have always said, if you are planning to seduce a lady, you need signage. first o'keefe said it wasn't going to happen. he says, quote, the sexually explicit document cnn was reporting on was never going to be implemented on. there was no fuzzy handcuffs or posters of naked women or music. >> i just want to figure out the best route here. what do you think about this? >> i think they have watergate. >> if they want to get video of a lady with a dill dough picture, who cares? >> you called the plan offensive. >> the script itself was offensive. i complied with that interview.

anna giles complied. i was happy to be a part of cnn where they were giving us a fair shot. i was a bit surprised by this. i am glad that -- i trust james -- >> would you work with him again? >> yeah, absolutely. >> he's not going to try to seduce him. >> on this one i will grant him this, i don't think it was right to go after abbie because she is a white bunny rabbit. but cnn has been conspicuously vicious and has lied throughout james o'keefe's entire career. with the acorn story they say he selected edited stuff. when it came to watergate junior where he went to senator landers' office, they say he was trying to wiretap a senator's office. they lied every step of the way. it is no wonder he has a problem. >> why not just go live and clear it up if he doesn't want it to be edited down? >> you read my post on friday.

i think that james -- he is a new media entity that wants to get publicity, and i think he should go on national television and explain himself. >> he wants it to be mysterious. >> i think it would have been better if he tried to punctuation a male like bruno did with ron paul. they don't mind if you punk a guy, but if you punk a girl -- >> and obviously there is a double standard. if somebody on the left were to do it against somebody on the right -- but he has to understand the conservative audience has strict standards. they don't want to see him miss the mark or go after the wrong target, especially at this time of year. >> well, bill, you are sitting there quietly. >> the video looked awesome. you said -- he said it in the big government piece. he goes, "i was trying to

seduce" -- qtd -- "she was going to seduce me, typical liberal reporter." why do you go under the assumptions? >> there is nothing in her record that would suggest that. it is ridiculous. >> it is natural for anybody on the right to think they are going to be picked off somehow. that's what happens. >> what happened is he converted her. >> especially cnn has been cruel to him. i understand. >> also, i have to say this, blogers and media hacks galore get away with everything when they talk about sexually explicit stuff. they say anything about having sex with him and calling them transvestites. nobody cares. but if a conservative does a prank, albeit an offensive one, everybody is up in rms arms. i have to go.

>> sex with a butch hitler sexual device. >> that would be awesome. >> oh, bill. it is your surprise. i was going to keep it a surprise, but now you brought it up. >> we'll show you a quick and easy way to hem your pants without a needle, thread or pants. first, could this turn a 10-year-old boy into a ruthless killer? god, i hope so.

because they suck, the berkeley city council declared october 10th to the 16th berkeley says no to torture week. according to the press released, this week will feature public education

events, writers tores and artists, all of whom will smell awful. there will be performance artists who violate the no torture theme. we can all agree that water boarding is a joy when compared to a progressive poet with a nose ring and scabies explaining how bush hitler turned him into a vegan. but here is my favorite part of the press released. quote, under bush-cheney the program of nightmarish war crimes was committed in the name. but tortured abuse in the shreding of human rights for whole enemy populations is continuing now under the new democratic administration. i love how the word enemy is in quotes. forget terrorists. it is always us and hygiene. the largest truth, they don't really care about torture, or they would address the realtor tour all over the world. but it must always be america

which is a replacement for daddies who didn't love them enough. we welcome all individuals which means i'm coming. once there, i will be raising awareness of torture in my own way. if you disagree with me, you are a racist homophobic keno-phobe. that is a fear of voids. >> not keno the game? >> no, it is a fear of games. i suffer from that. i have a fear of voids. >> void what? >> open spaces. >> metaphorical or physical? >> physical open spaces. airplane hangars, can't open my eyes underwater. >> so you always need to fill these open spaces. >> i do. every night i am trying to fill spaces. >> that's the kind of player you are. does this make you embrace torture even more? >> i was never against it to

begin with. i feel it is healthy. you know why i don't go to the middle east? i don't want to be beheaded. your girlfriend yells at you and you never do it again. >> it is a good point. does berkeley ever say -- they are always so negative against things. shouldn't they be positive? >> i don't think they are open minded as far as sexual practices. if i choose to have my crotch walked over with stilettos, that's my choice. they are infringing on my right. >> you were telling me in the green room that nothing bets you but butt torture. >> is it opposite day, greg? they say every group and every person should endorse it and get involved. or else what? are they going to torture people who don't celebrate? >> andrew, why do these folks

believe the united states is more dangerous than those who try to destroy us? >> all they care about -- using the -- the left doesn't care about nuclear proliferation. it cares about going out there on the sidewalk and proclaiming its moral superior tee against those who pass by. it is a deeply insecure people. within the last week i confronted a left of center rally. the entire premise was stop the hate. they were chanting "stop the hate." it was at a glen beck rally i was supposed to speak at. as i asked these people singular questions about what their signs meant the leader said "get away from him" he is trying to pro vote you. while they were being moved away, a woman by the name of sue walton says "i think he's gay" at a stop the hate rally.

>> but granted you were making out with a guy. >> yeah, but she noticed. do you have a comment on the show? e-mail us. and to leave a voice moil call 212-462-5050. and still to come, the half time report from andy levy. >> tonight's half time report is sponsored by the small corners often found in secluded and shelter places. thanks nooks

welcome back of the let's find out if we've gotten anything wrong so far. for that we go to andy levy. andy, word is you turned down the job for chief of staff. >> i did. >> why? >> i couldn't bear the thought of leaving you. >> isn't that nice. >> bill, not so much. >> why do i need to be pulled into this? >> i don't know. >> i'm just sitting here minding my own. >> pete rouse loves his kitties. you say he is like andy levy, only more successful. >> that's true. >> nobody understands that. >> oh, you mean tv's andy levy. >> well, it is a catch 22. >> it is. >> and you said rouse is a washington insider and you said, quote, [bleep]

>> just for the record i can't stand musicals. >> a lot of people don't like musicals. >> that goes without saying. >> basically what you are

saying is a cat lover is not necessarily a music lover. >> it is a musical lover. >> i enjoy music. >> well, you like cabarets. >> right, just not musical theater. >> but you are an uh officialed bachelor. >> i am -- you are an uh officialed bachelor. >> -- uh officialed -- affirmed bachelor. >> yes. >> well, the dude offered to close gitmo, so he of oners to get it done. >> it flew over my head. >> that was an explough tiff. i -- explative. >> i didn't mean to say that. >> video by levi johnston. well, his arm must be sore. >> i don't get it, from working out? >> exactly. >> are you uh officialed to the affirmed bachelor andrew sullivan? >> i am. >> you said it is about a meddling mother who gets between her daughter and a boy

and claims that is the plot to "sophie's choice." >> yeah, a movie i haven't seen. >> yeah, it has been awhile, but i don't think that was the plot. >> what about "porky's." >> might have been. >> you said it was a huge metaphor for life and death and life and death. thank you. >> from me to you. >> we appreciate it. >> andrew, you said what would make levi famous would be trying parenting. this is one time a kid would be better off growing up in a single parent household. >> i don't judge people on these things. >> jim, you said this video had all of the sexiness of a weird al jankovic video. too soon. >> well, sometime i like to be turned on, and who makes us laugh more than weird al? eat it instead of beat it. >> i never followed that. >> i lost on jeopardy.

>> is this a better or worse career move than bristol palin going "dancing with the stars." >> i think it will get him closer to getting a razzy so maybe a great career move. >> you can't get a razzy for a video. >> i was joking. >> in your line of work it is better to be accurate than funny. i will have to ask you to leave. >> this is torture. >> to a new show on a -- on at a better time. >> they had a show called the conservative turn on james o'keefe. that doesn't sound fair. does it? >> no, they have been trying to do it on twitter for quite some time. i was trying to accumulate the data and i wanted to see what was on the show. i put out a statement saying i wanted to hear his explain nation. -- explanation. he has been honest with me the entire

time. >> what the yell is a yomin. i have never seen a yomin. >> it is how a cool guy greets someone. >> wasn't there something called yomin of the guard? >> they do charity work. >> greg-alogue says no to torture. greg, go to berkeley and open a torture bar. >> i would like to do that. >> like a mosque bar. >> the mosque would be near ground zero so it would be impossible. >> why did santa claus turn on james o'keefe? that's what i want to know. >> what do you mean by santa claus? >> i don't know. >> how did your taping of, paer spitzer go? >> it was fantastic. the show's premise is to find common ground. that's why i want to watch elliott spitzer. he is like the former attorney general. he should be coming out at the end of our love -- love fest he threw out a sherrod

question and i got in the final world. i am back buenos aires. >> did he keep his socks on during the interview? >> we worked out a deal for our after interview sessions. >> and he did it like a yomen. >> i was number 10 so i was always right behind. >> sloppy seconds. >> i would just tell him how much i idolized him. >> he is really your hero. >> everything he said i would say, you rule, elliott spitzer. >> i'm done. >> all right, go away. they want the locker room to be full of gloom. the cinncinati reds are being investigated for violating ohio's law on soaking because they were celebrating with a few cigars. the health department will investigate a several ie, woosy complaints about players

smoking cigars in doors after the september 29th win. not only does it bother every nonlame local, but it pisses off a pro tobacco group that says, quote, today cigar rights of america calls 0 mark mall reand the cinncinati city council to rebuke -- what does that mean? to stop the senseless investigation and waste of public dollars. they added all people must be killed. >> what? >> yes. for more on the story let's go to flat face mcpancake eater. thanks for injoing us. has the team released a statement on the insurance department? -- on the incident?

>> great, it is ending. >> levi johnston could come close to that. you often said how much you care about children. is smoking a bad message for kids? >> if we are not gefg positive messages to children, what are we doing? it was probably a bunch of stupid astros fans. that's what i would do if my team lost, call and rat them out. >> that's probably the point. i thought it was some nervous ninny weird owe nanny state freaks that were doing this. maybe it was just sour grapes. >> yes, what have you. >> shouldn't they replace cigars with something like celery filled with greek yogurt. >> that's michelle obama's plan. i think this was a set up for michelle obama to offer a healthy alternative. >> you are saying it is rigged.

>> no. i don't want to live in a world where bronson orroyo and others cannot smoke cigars after celeb bra tore moments. >> i wish i knew who those people were. >> i don't think bronson smokes cigars. >> should they be allowed a bit of fun? >> with my sports correspondent background, yes. >> that too. >> i don't agree with citys that are completely smoke-free. if you are in a private area or if it is your home you should be able to do what you want. the whole thing seems ridiculous. there are bigger fish to fry. >> can't fight fish in the locker room. >> don't these people realize that smoke from cigars kills the greenhouse gases. >> if they knew that, it would be the greatest thing ever. bill, isn't there a direct link? when they do something successful there is a cigar.

>> yeah, they lay it out on the corpse. you know i smoke reds. no, not the baseball players, it is marl burrows. there is nothing better than smoking inside. >> it is not as sexy as a cigar. >> doesn't matter. let me finish. if i am by myself in my apartment, that's sad. but if there is a cigarette, that's seb law bra torre. >> if you really want to celebrate, call bill clinton. >> if bill clinton happens to be watching he is liking it's 10 years, 11 years, won't it ever end? >> where else can you go with a cigar joke? >> he hijacked it. >> 12 years and eight months. >> george burns is like rolling in his grave going, i thought cigars were classy. clinton ruined it. does a llama make a tender lover? but first, oh look, a couple

holding hands and banging a bowl.

it is mail time. the address is red eye at fox news .com. you write, i read, and then we kill. here we go. dave, a common name, leads things off. you showed some sexy chip-n-dale dancers when you cued a segment and said it was a party. >> not only does john know, he demands us to do this. it is his way of letting people know what he didn't do now that they cracked down on craigslist. you can also check out john's list. i go there when i need to buy a sofa. and by that i mean a up arear rised -- i mean a rubber eyesed sleep set.

roger from north carolina, i have red eyes and i am watching red eyes. you bill -- you, bill and andy are great. >> it is not ironic to have red eyes while watching "red eye." and it would not be watching and have hemorrhoid. carolyn, spell it the right way, from hunting to much beach -- from huntington beach, california, i have a comment on the show. what should i do? excellent question. simply take an eye liner pencil, liquid liner or eye liner brush. if you use a pen sit, set the line with eye shadow because it melts. apply it to toilet paper and then roll it and swallow this. do this nude in front of a window. your comment will magically appear in the sky made of it.

and you know what, we would be honored to entertain our troops in afghanistan. if anyone out there would like to help with the logistics, we would be there in a heartbeat. our definition of entertain is a tad different. we don't tell jokes. we just get passed around. we will do anything for our country. >> as long as it involves hairy men. >> don't forget my book, "bible of unspeakable truths." come on, people, it is still there. am ma amazon .com or to your nearest bookstore.

so when it comes to their guy, the ladies love to lie. the most comprehensive sex study of the last 1,000 years found 85% of men claim their latest sexual partner had an orgasm, yet only 64% reported having an orgasm. so why the stark freeness? clearly we must get to the bottom of this in a superficial manor. yes, it is time once again for , stories you want to talk about, but president didn't have time earlier. let's do them now. jim, i bet you don't care at

all about this gap. >> i never thought to ask. there is no way she can separate that quickly. >> men are in denial and dumb. no, not dumb. clueless. >> just be quiet. is there some other factor at work here? >> i used to care about this subject matter -- i have for kids now so i don't know what one of those is anymore. >> do you get mad when adults talk about things like this. >> when we were doing a speed round, i thought we wrote do a methamphetamine. and they found ways to create a blender and extracting their protein from the jellyish if. you put jeshly flish in a blender. >> that's why they called me nightlife.

that's how you get the ladies. >> andrew, will this be a huge waste of money or awesome? >> they tested it at barning man and it was 100% sufls -- successful. >> you hate most things, so you love the idea. >> i am amazed any scientist would put their -- my biggest problem is home fee before my sigh y'all sis grows off. >> i always wanted a glow stick attached to me. >> i bet you are all fro this. >> kill the jellyfishes is what you mean. kill them all. die, die, die. the famous comic strip, kathy came to an end. she is so ugly. in the final strip she tells her parents she is pregnant with a baby girl. jim, you jed you would miss her. >> she would pick me out of dumps. i hoped this would end with a

self-inflicted gunshot wound. >> yeah, why do you think this lasted so long, andrew. >> this was before there was pay cable for young teen boys. back in the day i used to put her and mcnamara together in my imagination. >> bill, you loved her because she was big boned. >> yeah, and i could hold on. >> he said the only reason she is pregnant is because ziggy [bleep] with her. >> no, don't say that! >> good for you, bailey. >> i will have to call beatle bailey. >> she is like the megan fox. >> except ugly. >> a company created an amazing $21,000 toy called the kids walker. seen here. it is basically a smaller version of "gorillas in the mist." do you want one?

>> yeah. >> did that just fall into the river and die? >> what are you talking about? >> there is no way this is kid friendly. >> that is what the segue guy. >> i want all of the kids in these robot things. >> it is the greatest toy ever. >> yes, until you step in dog [bleep]. >> it is only $20,000. >> who can't? i hate rich kids. >> that doesn't separate the rich from the poor these robots. >> we will close things out with tv's andy levy.

back to tv's andy levy for the post game. >> thanks, greg. are you going to be somewhere later that allows gambling? >> yes, fox wood casino october 14th, 15th, 16th. >> will anthony be there? >> yes, he is going. >> i might have to go. >> i thought maybe it was -- >> you are hosting a new show on msnbc .com? >> it is a social reality show like "the apprentice" for social media. chase maker .msn .com. it is awesome and cool. >> well, what does it mean? >> he is in social media to find the next social media star. we give them challenges and six contestants and judges. >> do kill any of them? >> we kill their twitter device. >> back to you. >> no time for you, andrew.