going to be fun. it's the one show of the year where i try really hard not to say -- we're all gonna die! i'm going to try. i can't promise, but on tomorrowee show, i am definitely going to try not to say that. i mean, after all, i'm preparing with my "ho, ho, ho!" tie. it's gotta be fun. on wednesday, we have the show from wilmington, ohio, america's first christmas, really spectacular show, you don't want to miss. from new york, good night, america. welcome to "red eye." it is like a room with a view, if by view you mean pleasure caimg. let's go to anally levey for a pre game report. what's coming up on tonight's show, old sport? >> vladimir putin slams the u.s. and the west for the arrest of julian assange. is it only an excuse to show

putin singing "blueberry hill." and john boehner is profiled by "60 minutes." what leslie stahl did to make him cry? spoiler alert. she asked him a question. you will totally guess. >> thank you, andy. >> bless your heart, your black miss shapen heart. >> racist. >> i apologize for nothing. >> you shouldn't. you will be dead soon. i am here with sc cup. she can roast chestnuts by just staring at them. careful with that stair. i want to have kids. and the senior on-line editor. if fierce was a kitchen drawer, i would fill him with junk. and sitting next to me, freshly married, jesse joyce, writer and comedian. his new cam de cd is called pro choice. how clever and abortive. if hilarity were candles he

would come on my birthday came. and our "new york times" cory spawn department, pinch. >> you they think it has something to do with the daily news op ed columnist. gafaws all-around. >> more people yawn when they read you. >> wow, i saw that coming from jupiter. >> i'm the daily news op ed columnist. >> report you though? -- aren't you though? aren't you? >> he went from a commi to a crooner to the kgb to the do-re-mi. i talk of vladimir putin who decided to speak out after wiki leak cables said the u.s. called him a mass skew lant state. -- mass skew lap state. he said, quote,

>> talk about mixed metaphors. he did not stop there my friendly friends from friendville. after taking jabs, he took a stab at singing an american classic at a recent charity event at saint petersburg, russia. open your ear holes and let the love pour in. ♪ for you are my thrill ♪ on blueberry hill

♪ i found my thrill ♪ on blueberry hill >> ♪ i will give it to you >> he truly is the siberian elvis. what you couldn't see are all the guns pointing down from the balcony. it was like, kurt russell, smile. kevin kostner's weird anti-clab. -- anti-clap. is he a main -- maniac or joke? >> his quote was about the villagers in my country. he still has villagers? how do you take leaders

seriously who has villagers. the only thing i know is villagers chase people around with torches that they don't understand. i don't think he has a healthy appreciation for rape. in 2006 when the israeli president was accused of assaulting 10 women he said, i met him. he didn't look like someone who could be with 10 women. turns out he is powerful man. he rapes 20 women. >> this is why when he played blueberry hill with one finger on the piano everybody clapped. >> he did this, the blueberry hill to soften his image. in my opinion he was like a bond villain who got them together and he could say, i am going to show you my talents. what do you make of him? >> well, that actually happened in a bond movie. minnie driver plays that role.

the whole thing just watching kef vip kostner leap to his feet warmed my heart so much. i do have an appreciation for what he was trying to do. >> the last time i checked russians usually poison their critics, right? >> they do not jail journalists for exposing state secrets. they exchange it and we can all agree it is real democracy. >> we can learn something. >> you have to admit he is one sexy hunk of a man. >> even when he is sweating that profusely. i thought it was arctic temperatures there. the sweat was pouring off of him. at the beginning of the video he plays along to it with a piano, and he looks up nervously to gauge reaction. i realize the only time you will get a crowd with that faken encouragement and that kind of applause is when there

are third graders. that's the only two times. >> and he did what every amateur singer does when they get up there. they always try to make sure the mic is oka this is what they have seen on every show so they are tightening the mic. >> you know what he didn't do was put his hand on his ear and say. ♪ on blueberry hill >> he sees a vacuum to leadership in the world. he was influenced by george bush and the cowboy life. that's when he started fishing and chopping wood. now he says i am the rock star. he wants to be a world leader and a villain at once. >> i think you are right. >> it is also a weird move thesong he picked. secondly, the l is a hard

letter to pull off. he sounded horrible in russian. you don't see the prime minister of japan trying to pull off russia's rhyme rite. he he knows his limitation. >> i'm glad you were able to pull out a song with three r's. >> if wikileaks was more focusedon russia, they would be dead. >> yeah. the u.s. is being hipocritical. come on. if they turned their eyes on the crown they would not turn up with a joke about batman and robin. >> from singing to sobing. he does president fear shedding a tear. yes, incoming speaker of the house seems to get emotional a lot. last month on election night when it was clear the republicans had won the house and he would be speaker he cried. on sunday night during a 60-minute interview he broke down twice much to leslie stahl's chagrin.

>> trying to talk about the fact i have been chasing the american dream my whole career. some things are very difficult to talk about, family, kids. i can't go to a school anymore. i used to go to a lot of schools. i used to see all these little kids running around. can't talk about it. >> why? >> making sure these kids have a shot at the american dream, my god, it's important. >> i can't go to schools either. >> for totally different reasons. >> the kids cry. >> later stahl asked boehner's wife about becoming speaker of the house. >> has it hit you? >> no, it hasn't. i'm so proud of him. he will do a good job.

we are proud of him. >> you know what is happening over here? >> what is it that set you off that time? because she is proud of you. >> does he cry all the time? >> no, but he is going through an emotional period. as you say, this is not any ordinary job. >> anyway, to one republican strategist this is not the first impression you want to make to the american people. he has to show strength and leadership. you never saw pelosi crying. well, i think you did united states with. for more we go live to depressed cat.

he can't feel anything. >> i like boehner. i like him because he smokes, but why can't the republicans just do normal -- >> please don't cry. >> can't they find a normal person somewhere? >> i think he is normal. >> he is normal, but he's emotional. >> look, i have cried in interviews. i can get choked up. >> the bottom line is if obama cried they would collect the tears in the bottles like it was the blood of christ. >> i can't be a hipocrite. if obama cried i would be the first ridiculing and laughing at him. and therefore i cannot sit here and go to boehner going, oh look at his sensitive side. frankly, that was more than crying. that was blubbering. >> it was intense and a little uncomfortable, but i won't hold it against him. >> is he just showing his

sensitive side? isn't that a good thing? >> for one thing he is my kind of cryer. he cries about love, not sad things. >> that's true. >> he is overwhelmed with emotion. "toy story 3" probably left him in pieces. they were happy tears. >> well, he cries over things he is grateful for which is actually kind of a nice thing. it is a nice thing. but there is something else going on isn't there? >> there certainly is. i am not defending this guy, but i don't know if you have been near leslie stahl, but that woman's perfume, i think she takes a bath in riot gas. and in the second clip, he didn't see what was going on in the rest of the bar. they were playing "rudy" on the tv in the background. >> leslie is like, what is happening? >> what now? >> she was kind of enjoying

the fact -- >> yeah she is like, take that, barbara. >> bill, you cry yourself to sleep every night so you can relate. >> privately. never on cam. except for season three. you really got me. this guy makes glen beck look stoic. glen beck gets watery eyes. this guy has bells palsy. and she caught him on a lie. he was taking his -- >> she goes, oh, what is happening now? >> i just got something in his nose and his wife is like, no he doesn't. and then niagara falls. i wanted to hold him. >> i will make three things in defense. number one, republicans you can't call them all heart less and cold. it is the end of the stereo type. two, no one will make fun of his skin anymore.

>> this is one thing that bugged me. barbara walters would never do that. >> or a democrat. >> you also have to realize boehner is operating from a position of weakness where he is having to say no a lot and being painted for playing a lot of politics. this is a great way he can care about things. it is a message he wants to get across. >> so, that's the year -- i guess you are right. >> you should have seen him when he found out the rich men get the tax cuts. >> he was unbelievable. i think it is time for the greg-alogue. it is a candycane of calm on a christmas tree of terror. so the impromptu white house press conference on friday was fun. for a moment i thought i went back to the mid90s and every year knocked a year off bill

clinton. he looked like one of those you rent for an event and obama forgot to blowup. >> i have a general rule which is whatever he asks me about my advice and whatever i say should become public only if he decides to make it public. >> what do you think? >> here is what i will say, i have been keeping the first lady waiting for about half an hour. so i'm going to take off. >> i don't want to make her mad. please go. >> you are in good hands. and gibbs will call last question. >> yes, our president said i am going to take off and letting bill take over. handing him the podium was like giving him a playboy bunny made of hot dogs. he didn't know whether to eat it or bang it. what does it say about obama? he is too cool for school. he has other things on his brain, eggnog maybe. and boy is he tired of our

lack of appreciation. so a handoff to bill made sense. afterwards, the old man can play santa at the white house. it gives me an idea. one cop is tired of your pleas for help and the other a jovial knar saw cyst, putting himself into complications and women. they can tag team running happened in hand on the beach. -- hand in hand in the beach. it is better than being president where no one gets you. at least in hollywood you can be idolized without the nagging responsibilities. if you disagree with me, you sir are worse than hitler. >> what did you make of that? was that a good idea? >> well, politically, i guess it was smart. although, in my mind -- i saw it this way. the guy i am currently dating left me in the room with my hunky exboyfriend who, let's

face. it i still think about from time to time. >> when i see him, i do too. he is a straping guy. >> not a good move for the new guy. in the end it backfired. >> and your new guy is no comparison. >> no, he is no hunky exguy. >> i still keep in touch because we are good friends. >> he is hunky and a great guy. >> i was hoping you would get back together. >> well, don't leave me in a room with him. >> i was starting to wonder if you should not bring greg. >> a lot of doggie squats in the bathroom. don't you think obama seems irritated with the job? >> in that moment it was a little b like -- i believe michelle was probably mad that he was going to be late to this event, but i believe he was a little like, screw this, i'm out. the minute he walk oitd the press -- he walked out the

press were ready. >> right thing to do? >> i like jesse's idea. first of all, he is sexy. secondly, i will do that. i am seting a new policy that when we are pitching over something, i will invite the exs over to talk about why it is annoying to move the fusht around. -- the furniture around. >> i have never seen a president in a hurry for anything. the world runs by their clock. that was what was weird. >> what party would start without him? you are going to the wrong party, dude. >> bill, but you have to admit they had awesome gingerbread cookies. >> absolutely. the round cookies with the kiss in the middle, no one has a name. they are round --

>> you thought that was a chocolate i gave you yesterday? that's interesting. i hope you enjoyed the whole basket. wow, your taste buds are getting bad. this is a trend whose sign has come. right when she started bringing up puppies or children dancing or the last episode of "mash." what if she was like, cheney. cheney comes in. cheney gets stronger and answers and scares people and brings down the hammer. that's andt everyone needs. >> i think we learned something here, nothing. coming up, alec baldwin is dead -- tired of people calling him during dinner time. first -- those never get old. is this what makes milely smilely? fyi, i am talking about getting highly.

they want to take the labels off the table. we told you about a group of drifters calling themselves no labels that wants to, quote, overthrow the partnership that dominates our political culture. they had their label launched. among the flach lens one could find michael bloomberg, yawn, indiana senator ivan bay, who is that? and david brooks once was good now sucks, and msnbc morning host joe scarborough who may or may not be a cure -- cartoon. but the r and db -- r&b rapper

8 con recorded a song. i apologize in advance for the mess. >> so i guess no label strategy is to unite everyone through the universal hatred of akon. what a joke. am i being too mean about this? there is something mean about media types artificially creating an event. this isn't like a grassroots

thing. it is a bunch of rich guys sitting around wanting more influence or something. >> because grassroots campaign come out of ideas. getting things done is not an idea. let's be smarter. >> if i care about something, screw you, you weird people. i will kill all of you. i didn't mean that. >> but you proved them wrong. >> jesse, once akon records a song for you, your movement is over, right? or is it just beginning? >> i guess, i don't know. i don't even know who akon is. >> i know who he is. i just -- i think it is a revolutionary concept what they are doing here. i happened to find a quote on the internet. the tierney in the party, a their invented for selfish purposes that turns voters into slaves and rabbits while

they shout liberties about ps independence. he said that [explatie] in 1885. and nobody has done anything about it. kids are out of control these days, how about that? >> he may have said that stuff in 1885. but he did not use colorful language like that. i apologize to our editor. >> they say they are above and beyond i had yule gee. isn't there i had yule gee, i'm a smug face jerk? >> yes, and who better than akon to bring that mess seeming. -- message. message learned, don't put the words republican or democrat in the song. >> can i show real quick they are selling t-shirts now m. >> of course they r. ugly as f t-shirts. the tea party whether you love them or hate them, whether you love them or hate them didn't have t-shirts until the movement was already going and

people made them on their own. you are artificial hacks and you make me want to throw up. frankly we need labels. we want group identities and they are useful. this movement is arbitrary. >> do you have a comment? leave a voicemail. my direct line is simple 212-462-5050. the half time report from tv's andy levy. he is simple. >> thanks green speed brothers.

welcome back. let's find out if we have anything wrong so far. what is new? >> it is a horned mammal that inhabits the plains. but that's not important right now. >> i'm glad you could help. >> i saw the black swan. >> is that what you call him these days? i don't even think i want to address that putin. putin slams the west for julian assange's arrest. your russian accent is god

awful. >> i should practice more. >> yeah, it was embarassing. >> that was a criticizing. >> you answered the personal realm of my life. >> off limits. >> i will shoot the puck back at you. >> i would like to share the story of putin's response was completely true. >> somebody did his research. and didn't shave. >> i don't know which you are talking about. >> you said russians are not journalists, they are shot in an alley. you have russian government officials saying assange should receive the peace prize so when he dies mysteriously, they can say, it is not us. we think he should have won the peace prize. >> that's a greatal by. -- great alibi. >> that was great of

"blueberry hill" it is the great of putin on the hits. that got a good laugh. >> i refused to use it because it was too easy. >> i shot the puck back at you. >> you stole the puck. >> i refuse to puck. get the puck out of here. >> john boehner cries in the "60 minutes" interview. sc, nice job pretending you ever cried or have emotions. >> no, i have! i was being interest viewed about a 9/11 story. i was embarassed, and it happens. >> that's because you got hit by a car in the intersection. >> right. >> chris, you said boehner was your kind of cryer and he cries at happy things, which i get. but there is crying and then blubbering. he crosses the line. >> yeah. when you can't talk in your interview that's a problem. >> you get choked up, fine. but you have to dig a hand

kerchief out and stop talking, not good. men should only cry at the end of "field of dreams" and" ar ma get done." after that it is a little weird. >> i cried during "love actual" because it is the worst movie ever. >> i will cut your mic. >> crap actually. >> oh, no, it is your show. >> i apologize for swearing. >> bill clinton takes over the presidential press conference. that was the best of i love the 90s ever. i kept thinking, man, if i owned a pharmaceutical plant in sudan, i would be nervous right now. you said you never have seen a president in a hero to go. i believe it was a staff holiday party. >> no, come on. oh, i thought staff christmas party. >> i was about to start the war up again.

>> no, we will fix that. >> no labels. >> like i said, so boring. >> ivan bay sounds more interesting. chris, you said grassroots things come out of an idea. this is what i like about no labels. we need more stability, and theyy quit it with -- equate it with being moderate. why can't you have political convictions and also be civil? >> what they are trying to say is it is not working. >> i agree and i actually agree with them on that part even though they suck and they are awful human beings. i think they should be civil to them. >> they think it is not working because the saville stey -- the saville tee or the anger is coming from the side. it is a romantic action to be

protesting. you think racist. >> greg? >> yeah? >> making sure you are okay. >> greg, you showed a couple of those no label t-shirts. with can we focus on the collar. what is that? >> that is a label. >> reporter: that's a bunch of hip paw crits. a bunch of them. there is no call for that. >> i agree. i can deem your swearing and their labels. >> i am done. >> go away you sad little man. he loved the ipad as much as jihad -- i had to make it rhyme. the swede is suspected of setting off bombs in stockholm, killing himself and wounding two others, boo.

the 28-year-old was carrying pipe bombs in a backpack full of ils that, but it is unclear why it flu up with so few people. he e-mailed this audio message to news organizations. >> we are for real. >> so michael jackson was a terrorist? what do we know about this jerk? according to his facebook page his interests were, i love my apple ipad, find a terrorist, and islamic state. and on an islamic dating profile he said he went to british university and looking to get married geep.

quote, my wife agreed to this. for more we go now to a stockholm bureau chief. >> how can you bomb anybody when you are that happy? chris, are you surprised he had an ipad or is it just like those people? >> the first i heard of it was when you made the bad rhyme. it did surprise me. >> it seems like an extravagant expenditure. >> why sweden? they are trying to say it is his fault. >> i don't get that at all. muslims and extremists have the worst pr strategy. it has to go kim jong-il, mel gibson's answering machine islamic extremists and charlie

sheen's liquor cabinet. you just want to say, go for the last 700 people to put up with your douchry. >> one was a cartoonist and the other printed the cartoons. >> that is a good point. that has been one of the primary angles out of this story, sweden trying to distance themselves. it is much better if it is evening land's fault and not sweden's fault. >> the wife didn't know. >> the wife is always the last to know. >> what would piss you off more? finding out your husband was having an affair or in jihad? >> finding out i was married and didn't know it. the affair would be a personal thing. see that has nothing to do with me. >> bill, let's face it they follow a distinct pattern and

they get an ipad. then they make extremist statements and the mosque say, yeah, we saw him making extremist statements and he ran out, but then they didn't report it. >> the other thing i can add to this list is if they talk with a high, feminine voice watch them. one of the things was probably girl that is not very strong. the wife probably takes him down. this guy has something on his shoulder. he was angry, but he blew himself up and there are no virgins for him. >> we don't know that. >> he will get to another dis nation. coming up, should we be cannibal eyeing the homeless? sc cup discusses her new book,

"cannibal eyeing." >> and what does snookie have in common? not much else.

no one could have thong he would have -- no one could have thunk he would have taken the man's junk. castrated his teenage daughter's 57-year-old boyfriend with a bread knife. said the dad, i received a phone call involved with a guy 40 years older than her. they said i president could stop him, so i did. -- they said i couldn't stop him, and i did. i saw it as my duty as her father. hope you didn't put the knife back in the rack. he since pleaded guilty and will plead awesome -- i mean murder. naturally we must discuss this in our lightning under rough.

aka -- >> stories we sort of like, but not enough to include earth in the show, but really wanted to talk about, so let's do them quickly now. >> dad of the year or what? >> i think it is great. all dads are worried about their daughter getting pregnant. some will give an awkward condom speech to the boyfriend. this dad ensured that would not happen. >> it is creepy to have a teen girlfriend when you are 57, i know. but did he deserve this? >> no, but with a bread knife? that's sawing. >> that's like 127 hours on your penis. >> that's actually a great novel. >> can you give this guy advice in the coming years? >> i have three i will legitimate daughters, and i tell all of them, the older the dude, the better. on the cough vee caveat --

caveat, they have to be rich. the last one will not leave the couch. >> so he go to jail and for how long? >> yeah. probably for a longtime. where is the junk though? >> he took it with him. >> but where is it? where is it currently right now today? i need to know. >> if you really want that, i have some friends that are still connected. >> type in german and balls. i don't know if anything will koll -- will come up. >> a lot of football players. mtv plans to put snookie into a ball that drops in new york's time square. other members will lead the crowd in a fist pump to try to break a record record. is that the best idea of all time or the second best? >> i think best idea. why didn't they think of it earlier? why is snookie the first

person they are doing this with? why not gallagher or carrottop or somebody like if they fell to their death -- >> it would be a legend. snookie is an american hero, right? >> no. she looks like an orange danny devito. she looks like a goompa-loompa. >> nicely done. you have just written a new york post headline for new year's eve. bill, will you be watching this alone on new year's eve? >> sadly they cutoff power,. >> are you glad snookie has become a role model for the young women? >> i like snookie, because you know who is missed in -- who is pissed is cooper. i worry for her safety. i have to say if something

goes wrong we will lose the star of "jersey shore" and i don't think he should be playing with the lives of snookie. after a video of miley cyrus smoking a bang surfaced, sales of the herbal drug. apparently the video showed her smoking in 15 states. wasn't that weed in the bong? is it bs? >> i don't know. but i can't believe miley cyrus has introduced us all to an awesome new drug. i never thought it would be her of all people. >> i don't know. i think she was smoking pot and because salvia is legal they don't want her to get in trouble, right? >> you know who should know the most is leaf garrett. sure so he sells his sister's furniture five or six times to

buy heroin. mean meanwhile, miley cyrus is legally smoking. >> do you think this drug is for real? >> i haven't known a lot before this happened. i think she was high and a terribly annoying person. if you got high with her, you would leave the room. >> from my experience, all 18-year-old girls who are high are irritating. >> all they say is, i'm so high right now. i'm so messed up. >> bill, what drug would you recommend for miley at this .? >> a roofy. she's 18, greg. >> terrible. apologize. >> if you want to -- i apologize to roofy corporate. if you want to know what happens with her, look no further than they are dad whose disciplinary act when this happened is to go on

stwiter and say, y'all, it is out of my hands. he tweeted this. she's on her own now. >> teen stars fall into the same steps over and over again. it never ends. i feel bad for them. not really. time to take another break. coming up next --

i used to walk 20 miles in the snow to log on to the internet. now a days things are much simpler. i can access the internet right if my house. >> instead of connect together telephone we connect to the computer like this. welcome to the real people's guide to the internet. i'm cindy. >> and i'm greg. >> i thought you could send letters and pictures on the internet. >> e-mail looks like the mail system. it uses addresses and return addresses. >> oh. the mail slot. >> it is important to remember that web pages may take a longtime to appear on the screen. >> address bar? is that a singles joint like,

hi, welcome to the address bar. take a load off. what's your sign? >> oh my god. >> that's my roof mate, steve. he has a webcam shaped like a shampoo bottle. and when we come back we'll close things out.

time to go back to tv's andy levy for the post game wrap up. >> there is good stuff in new york magazine. >> yes, there are some good things. they are on the stand. it is my favorite issue of the year. go pick it up. >> what do you have in there? >> i wrote about lyndsay lohan , a reason to love new york. and matt lauer and everything. >> sc, where are you writing this month? >> i have a town hall magazine

that ties the famine into a christmas tale. warms the heart. >> jesse, where are you going to be? >> i'm doing the comedy club in san antonio. on the 19th, i am doing a recovery comedy show because i don't drink anymore. >> is that near the lm sao comedy club? >> i was invited to perform there. >> you should. >> this sunday the 19th. >> is recovery comedy fun? >> yes, i tell jokes about sobriety, but you don't have to be sober to go. >> are there comedians who are recovering alcoholics? >> yeah, the ones who are about to -- >> if they livelong enough. >> bill anything you want to plug? >> i will plug pete dominic's siriuas show. the reason i do is because my brotherus