>> thank you. >> you have to say it the right way. >> chemistry is amazing. >> stuart and i, actually. >> sorry. >> dana: that is brutal. >> that was rough. >> i'm grammatically correct in most occasions. >> dana: greg, tell the truth. i was right. >> greg: it's welcome to "red eye." i'm greg gutfeld, or as i am known on facebook, deborah, age 17, dancer. let's go to andy levy for a pre game report. what is comingn tonight's show? >> thanks, deborah. sky hero, terrapin hero or victim of animal abuse? this is how you lead off a show. and why is joy biden headed to tampa? there is a chance he thinks he is going to the democratic convention. and did roger clemens get naked at a las vegas hotel? we will straighten it out in the lightning round. >> i want to point out that biden joke i did on "the

five." >> really? what is "the five"? >> that is a show in the afternoon. >> the 5 what? >> it is called "the five" with five people. >> i don't think so. >> maybe you don't think at all because you stole my joke. >> i don't think there is any such show. is that the show you do when you room with the puppets ? >> you don't have to bring that up. you are my puppet. go away, puppet. go. let's welcome our guest. she is hotter than a red iron steak barbecued on the sun. i am here with the news columnist and one of my co-hosts "the five" a show which andy was never on. and if commentary was tai chi i would do him in the park every saturday. in iceland he is considered a lubricant. it is my sidekick, bill schulz. and she is so hot that rug burns are now called san bra burns. next to me is sandra smith. on to the news, and this is

the biggest story of the year, perhaps decade. did the hard shell go through hell, or was it more thrilling than chilling? in a story that gripped both the nation and dare i say the world? they are looking for who ever taped several balloons to a box turtle and let it fly through a neighborhood in oceanside, california last weekend. upon spotting this hero in a tree, neighbors called the fire department, and then thankfully started taking video of the running in place reptile. look at him. let's listen as one eyewitness weighs in on the terrapin now being held at the humane society. >> that's animal abuse. if you didn't want the animal take it to a pet store. there are a lot of adoption agencies for turtle. >> yes, there are. that's where i got captain rough tongue. they say the master minds of the stunt could face charges of animal abuse. but who will investigate this case of reckless riding?

>> is that is a pretty impressive stunt there. andrea, how is this animal abuse ? sky turtle got to fly. he is a hero to both people and his peers. >> i agree, greg. but i have so many questions about the story. who taped the turtle to the balloons? >> yes jie. why didn't people just get on a ladder and get them down. why did they have to call 9-1-1? and maybe the turtle really liked it. i would like it if you strapped balloons to me and flew me around. that is a lucky turtle. >> how much different is that than say a free ticket on jetblue. >> or a hot air balloon.

>> or a hot air balloon ride. >> i have never done that. >> somebody at home put her in a hot air balloon. jimmy -- i'm sorry he is sick. >> you don't need to apologize because my son is sick. >> i felt bad. >> just because i contributed to his bus every time he is ill, it is me failing. >> he does have your genes. >> but that is a bit of a stretch. >> i know it is a stretch. where you are from, will the media see this as an outrage or good, clean fun. >> they will see it as turtle soup. the fact that people are getting mad here is an example of the death of math. >> the death of math? >> the death of mathematics. their hand on the sandwich at the actual time peaking pigeons saying see what they do to animals? it is a travis stey. chickens die every 10 seconds, and these americans get so upset. oh a puppy.

beef burger. you can't have it both ways. you are either a vegan or you eat meat. it is just a turtle for christ sake. >> it is just a turtle or america's new hero? >> i am holding out hope. i used to be a proud turtle owner when i was eight years old. i agree, this could have been a turtle with terminal cancer and this was his bucket list, right? i am going to hope the best intentions were in place here. >> that's an excellent poimt. he might have said, find me some balloons and the turtles did this for him. do you see a future in hollywood or book deals? >> yes. mutant ninja turtles have nothing on this guy. once they do remote control turtles every kid will want one. i will say turtles in spire weird things in people.

he used to call it collide. clyde. our neighborhood girls dug him up and held his corals -- corals for -- corps for ransom. >> they see the shell and they think it is an object. they object tau fie the turtle. >> i will do a psa where i just slit the dog's throat. run the numbers, pal. >> that is a terrible thing. >> i eat meat. >> it is a good point. >> he is making a point. that all animals are the same. >> they are not the same. i will say that aren't turtles supposed to pull in their

limbs and hide when they are scared? his head was out and arms were out? out. i think he loved it. >> i think he did too. he saw the world like no other turtle. he is the only other turtle in existence to have flown over and said, wow, we don't get very far. he never knew how slow he was. he thought the neighborhood was the length of the table. he gets up there and says, my god, this stretches forever. >> up until today tree and turtle were never in the same sentence. a lot of people interviewed in the story were like, you wouldn't do it to a puppy. you wouldn't do it to a kitten. >> well, ya, they are not in their own armor. >> enough with the anthromortiphication. it is a pathetic policy.

>> it is not an animal. it is a reptile. >> look, if are you mobile, you adapt to your environment you are an animal. we will go to a real story. how about that? from one kind of turtle to another, the vp plans to visit the paris of america. at the start of the republican national con veption breaking tradition of staying low key during the opposing party's big week. and joe thinks being low key is in a city near tampa. you can see it coming a mile away, the women's issue beats the economy. the committee released a list of female speakers that includes the leaders of abortion rights groups members are making their way to tampa.

>> that is actually pretty impressive. >> you have to be really strong to do that. >> strong mentally and physically. the obama campaign are sending biden to tampa to steel the spotlight from the republicans. does that make sense? >> they tune in when he does those things. he know what's they say. >> yes, they do. >> they will have you all in chains and things like that? >> yes. >> something is a mess here. when i say biden i say how you feel when you say the things last night when you are drunk. you see your tweet u.s. and say oh jeez. 9/11 again?

take it easy with that. >> here is my prediction. they are sending him on a crash course and they know he is running for president. then obama is going to get and that's what is going on. >> that's an excellent -- >> it is like in "spider-man" and they are fighting an electrical guy. they say, oh, you are making me too huge. i am going to kill you, spider-man. he goes, oh yes. >> that is the political analysis i was looking for today. >> in fairness, you stole that from "meet the press." >> are they planning to set off a gap bomb, as he says? and second part of the question, what do you think of the democratic convention deciding to go for the women's issues? do women care? >> i don't think they have the plan to set off a gas bomb.

i think they anticipate it happens naturally. i think he was getting on their nerves. when he said put y'all back in chains, he meant the strippers. there is a show girl performance where they use chains. so maybe he will self-destruct at that performance. >> very 70s. i like this. >> very dom nay tricks. >> aren't the -- isn't it true women are only interested in women issuess and not the economy? >> if most can afford $9 in birth control which they can get from a clinic, if you can't afford $9 in birth control, what does that say about obama's economy? >> that is a good point. >> there is a woman's issue that is not being brought up. they will not focus on it at the convention, and that's the fact that women have the highest rising unemployment rate in the country right now. let's make that an issue.

you should write for romney. that is a war on women issue. actually it is a war on men and women because obama's plan does not discriminate. >> no. one thing we were looking at, the women were the bread winners. they kept their jobs and they kept up the household, and now they are the ones losing their jobs in greater numbers. that should be the focus. nothing says party crasher better than vice president joe biden. i would love if he crashed one of my parties. >> biden to tampa is like the american version of the bourne identity. he is sent there to do some unspecified thing he is not sure of. >> are you saying matt damon has hair plugs? if he does they are excellent. >> those are probably the best hair plugs ever. and he has them on his chest too. >> he is being sent on a mission, and he doesn't know what the mission is. he is jason bourne. >> couldn't it be he is going to tampa to go to tampa. is he aware the convention is

happening? maybe he thinks it is spring training. we don't know. >> maybe he is going to 7-eleven without shirt and shoes and getting kicked out. >> that is very, very true. >> why do you have to hate on the floridians. >> i love florida. i hate shirts. >> you hate shirts ? >> i love walking in my dungarees walking into 7-eleven. >> whether you in the green room with the other guests, it is nice not to strip down to your underwear. >> i don't know them. here is the thing about biden, you wrote about gay marriage awhile ago, and there was rumors that that was a test bomb, he is a weird kind of spy that just roams around the countryside and watches remotely. >> he is there to see what the gap does. it forces the decisions to be made. >> oh you didn't get mad and you are for gay marriage?

there is a rumor going around saying if you are anti-planned parenthood you are part of the women. so if you are pro abortion you are anti-woman. can we not deal with that for a changing? >> if you look at china, who gets aborted? >> wree talking about -- we are talking about gender determining abortions. you have a woman with pro life, and you say pro abortion is pro woman, and then it is a bloody woman that is getting blunted. >> there you go. jimmy doesn't mince words. >> what percentage of abortions are gender based and what percent of that is female? >> there you go. >> i think we will move on now.

from conventions to do sections. should former seals show political zeal? officials are condemning a group of operatives to force the campaign against obama. they released an ad slamming back for security relief and he is taking too much credit for willing bin laden. he is, quote, disappointed, end quote, calling it not useful. he explained it to jennifer griffin. >> the problem is, when you use the military, and i am not speaking to them individually or spes finishingly, but if someone -- or specifically, but when ever -- but when ever someone uses the uniform, i am disappointed by that. it does erode that bond of trust we have with the american people. >> i keep thinking how comfortable that chair is. the group of soldiers and the former seals disagree.

scott taylor, the former seal saying that as vets they fought for first amendment rights and will continue to do so. you know who has taken this all in stride? cool cat who slaps goodbye. that is one cool cat, i have to say. if anything, shouldn't we want the opinion of the former special ops guys whether we agree or not? >> the key is that they are former they are not currently under the direction of the president of the united states. the general when he was criticizing said he believed they should remain a plate kl. a political. if they saw what they saw, don't they have an obligation to report that? >> absolutely. what do you think? they are not active duty. theoretically, they could run for office. we wouldn't have had eisenhower as president. >> i don't think this is

political at all. they would have done the same thing if a republican president was doing it which they wouldn't be doing that. he has a point. if you look at what seals and what military men and women are designed to do, they are trained to protect the country. the point is leaking this information to try and make president obama look better and stronger on national security, it puts our security and intelligence at risk. and it puts americans at risk. that's their job. they are still doing their job the seals to the day they die. i applaud them. it takes courage to do that. >> jimmy, how would you react if this was your country and they were your soldiers? >> if this was my country? let's cut the crap and get everyone out of everywhere. how many people do we have in italy? 15,000 troops, 70,000 in germany and north korea. let's cut the crap. middle east, out. israel, look, we will help you if there is a major thing, but you are on your own.

everyone is pulling out. sorry, guys, coming home. there is a reason ron paul has a huge following with marines in the families. let's go, cut the cord. sorry, guys. sorry john bolten, love the stash. >> i agree with everything you just said. >> sometimes you dress as a naval officer when you hit the clubs. >> i say ippity-boppity bop. they can say whatever they want. they are out of the military. the fact of the matter is the guy is a looney toons. he is a birther and he used to call as commander-in-chief and it isn't even clever. he is a little racist and he said obama had bad tan lotion, and he looked like an old bruised banana. if you are going to be racist,

be coherent about it. >> harry belefonte is a hunk. >> maybe he was born incoherent, but he is a looney tunes. >> i think their opinion is more available than mine. they risked their lives. i get the fact the guy wants to protect the brand, about you at the same time they can say whatever they want. i think i said the most intelligent thing. but i wasn't listening to anybody else. >> should all liberals be hit into a wood chipper? seems a little extreme, but what do i know? first, nude photos of prince harry? well, i think i just died and went to nude photos of prince harry heaven.

they knew bieber, but not

bubba. they know the pop singer, but bill clinton is some dude who did something once in the oval office. this reminds professors that their students born in 1994 view the world in a different way, meaning they are ignorant. the compilation has become, like my thigh thais, a national phenomenon. other crap about these brats is they have never seen an airplane and never listen to music on the car radio. if they see dumb blonde, it has become two dumb males, untalented club and -- [inaudible] and night talk show host seen as sex symbols or whatever isen urning cking. while the class of 2016 is just starting college, let's check in with the class of 2032.

>> robot poop looks like mustard. the class of 2016 is used to seeing women in power. sad, isn't it? >> gross, i hate it. i like the days when women couldn't vote. item 20 here, greg, exposed bra straps have always been a fashion statement and not a wardrobe malfunction to be corrected. ladies, bra straps showing is always a wardrobe malfunction. check yourself before you wreck yourself. i feel sorry for them, greg. >> they are missing out on amazing things. they lost the since of judgment. did anything grab you from the list? >> i have cracked this case, actually. i spoke and said can you name one class song? no. can you -- clash song. can you name one sex pistols song? no.

i knew about all of the bands from way before me, and then i cracd it. with napster there was a huge wave of information, so there was no reason to delve back. they had every band from their block. they had all of their mp3's. so they are a unique generation where it was a wash before them. what they like from 18 and up, that's the whole universe. you and i had to go back and the history is a thing in the past. this thing is a thing of the past. i'm using that tomorrow on "the five." >> i think that was one of the most interesting ones for me is that these kids never -- i mean, you know, i went through high school and college with the internet, but these kids never looked at an encyclopedia like in grade school. they never opened a book. i think that's like mind boggling to me. >> you know, bill, the mind boggling thing is is your life

is over, but theirs is just beginning. >> it is. they are constantly reminding me of that by existing. and i like history is so over if be are making t-shirts. and they have never known a football club in los angeles, but always known one in jacksonville. they don't know a time when there wasn't an internet, and they have always been alive when kurt cobain has been dead. this is mind blowing. if this stud dooy was made to distress -- made to show me how old i am getting mission accomplished. >> can i say let's not glorifying the dewey decimal system. [inaudible] >> i want to say you know why this whole thing -- what are they called? the mindless -- it is so professors can pick up on their students. so they can say, oh yes, you are into nicky ma nag -- niki minaj?

>> are you talking about the song she did with eminem? >> no. >> i don't remember that. >> i have pictures that can prove she had a boob job. >> it is about being able to quote the title of a song to a 16-year-old girl. >> they missed one though. you know how we got to appreciate good movie there rows like bruce willis and john wayne and big, strapping men? they have jonah hill and shy yaw law buff. what happened to the men in hollywood? they are all a bunch of wimps. john wayne in his prime was 84. we have to take a break. it is true. watch the movie. he is old. william holden had to pull his pants up here. >> batman was fat. >> he was fat. superman was fat. and everything was tight on him. do you have a comment on the show? e-mail us. if you have a video of an animal doing something cute or

interesting, no flying turtle, please. go to tokes news.com slash -- go to fox news.com/red eye. we may use your video. still to come, a report from andy levy. >> tonight's half time report is sponsored by mars, the third largest planet and the fourth largest from the sun. thanks, mars.

welcome back.

let's find out if we have anything wrong so far. hi, andy. >> hi, greg. >> what is that? >> nothing. >> do you have something to say to me? go ahead and say it. >> i think you should say it. >> i am not saying anything. it is pointless at this point. >> you don't care. >> i care. >> no, you don't. why are we talking about it. >> just say it. >> forget it. >> fine. maybe after the show. >> there are people at home wondering what you are going to do. >> not anymore. >> greg, you call this a story that has gripped the nation and dare say the world. i think this was just a local news story. >> it was the greatest news story i have ever seen. it was amazing. and now it is a story. we should adopt sky turtle. and i want to tell people, don't create your own sky turtle.

>> israel has a sky turtle, and it will create a war. >> didn't iran say it was like using sharks -- where egypt claimed it was using sharks ? >> yes, but they also have a program that will start after they are all gone, and it will continue to fight iran from a computer. i'm pretty sure it is sky turtle. >> i don't think it is. >> sky net? that was from "the terminator." some kind of sky. >> andrew, you said why didn't people just get on a ladder and save the turtle? i am assuming that if they tried something and the turtle got hurt, the turtle would sue them. >> these days you you can't -- >> it could take years. >> they don't care. >> work its way to supreme court, but they are not in middle age yet.

>> you showed a clip of a woman saying this was animal abuse. i think as always i agree with chanel wright. she makes sense. she always makes sense. jimmy, you said something unintelligible about chickens. it was not unintelligent. i just couldn't understand it. you say you are a vegan and fine or you eat meat and you shut up. you don't see a difference between the food chain and taping balloons to a turtle? >> no. the thing about the actual suffering and the pain the animal endures, there is no evidence that the turtle was unhappy. that is much worse. i personally would prefer to be airborne. >> that's a good point. >> but don't you think there

is -- it is the difference between hunting animals for sport and hunting them for food? >> we are in a situation where you kill millions. you differentiate and you say -- the real deal is they like the ones with big eyes. baby seals, don't kill me, i have big eyes. the snake population in china has been devastated. nobody cares because they have wee eyes. >> good point. the turkey vulture. >> if you are going to kill a rat, go bananas. >> i have large eyes, and i get beat up all the time. i am like a gunned animal over here, and people use my face as an amusement park. >> and also brain size. >> that was pointlessly mean and i apologize. >> thank you for apologizing. >> sandra, you said it is not an animal, it is a reptile.

a reptile is a type of animal. >> there should be no difference between hunting for sport or hunting for food. if you are hunting for sport -- >> good point. but are you using it for food. >> wait a minute. what about people who kill animals and then wear them like shoes or handbags and mount them on their wall. >> it is okay with me. i am not one of the echo freaks. but i am fine with it. >> deer are just elegant rats. if i see a deer on the road, whamo. all they do is eat my bloody garden. >> what do they eat in your garden? >> everything. i let weeds grow as an experiment, gone. >> i don't believe you have a garden. >> i do.

and you said the turtle didn't realize how slow he was until he was able to fly? but here is the thing now that he knows he will be depressed for the rest of his life. >> no, i thought about this. is the for ties going to be -- is the for ties going to be depressed or through a period of generations invent a way to fly. >> he will be depressed. >> that's how humans walked up on a cliff one day and said, wow i want to get up here. then they invented blinds. >> every time you get out of a cab you are depressed because you can't move as fast as the cab. is that what you are saying? >> yes. >> okay. that explains your look. >> he likes to go around on crutches, and he is not injured so he can put the crutch downs and walk. >> it is the hammer in the

head thing. >> it is why i sit on my couch a lot. and then when i walk to the kitchen it is like a field trip. >> wow, you are weird. >> are we just learning this? >> sandra, you said the women have the highest raising unemployment rate. >> that was redundant. they don't have the highest, but theirs is rising at the fastest pace. i am looking at you. >> by the way, i have no idea if what you said was true or not of . >> it is true. >> why does joe biden want to put strippers in chains? >> why not? >> i don't think anybody has asked that question before thinking they didn't have the answer. why would you ask me that question? you don't like that idea? >> i, again, i am not one of the echo freaks.

i am all for it. i like to check these things. >> they can't strip if they are in chains. >> can't they? >> well, maybe. >> i don't know the law of striping. things have changed with the imagine will cay striping -- with the magical striping. >> we -- well, magical striping? it is not even a good acro anymore. >> that's why it was never successful. >> the problem was it was msn that was taken over by mainstream media. >> by the way, nbc, abc and cbs are not airing the republican convention on monday which is when ann romney is scheduled for the keynote address. i am wondering why they wrote

that. >> what does it mean? >> i typed it on this piece of paper. either go to school or shut up. >> i prefer to take the latter because it is easier. i had abortion stats, but that seemed depressing. i have mixed feelings about this. i think maybe where i disagree with you is i do think the difference between this and other veterans is that this -- they say it is issue driven, but it seems aimed at a particular person, and maybe that is what is bothering the guy -- the general. >> but we have never had a particular person whose name rhymes with i'm guessing mobama leak or allegedly leak or have a democrat like dianne feinstein come out and question that they are the leaking on the level. like the new york times and

trying to capitalize on a kill as big as bin laden. i think it is a first. my point is, he is the commander in chief. >> they don't like shooting in the at the present time. what else is he going to say? >> eye eisenhower ran for president, that's political. >> you don't listen to anything i say. >> that's the thing, andy. most of our presidents have had some kind of military service. what did president obama do? he organized barbecues in chicago. but give him a break. it is his first job. >> and general romney was out there on the field of battle. >> well, he wasn't in the band like bill clinton. i -- >> i have to wrap. >> you have to wrap? >> i would like to hear that.

>> i can't do it here. it is a little thing i do for the newsroom. cheers them up. >> coming up, do robots feel love, and if so will that love last forever? it is not a story, just something bill texted to me last night. wow. of aville -- avril levine is getting married. that's how you do a tease.

should we care that his butt is bear? photos of prince harry partying in las vegas. the third in the line to the thrown met girls in a bar and invited him up to the suite and they played strip pool. one picture shows him happening over a equally naked dame and showing his rump. we had tom o'connor recreate

the images. let's bring him in now. tom, i understand you have been working all day on drawings of these photos of prince harry naked? >> as you know i have roughly 11 people working alongside me as i do my sketches. and i think you will be amazed at the level of detail we could capture with this one. as you can see prince harry is in great shape. >> he is in great shape. but is that a sword in his hand? >> yes, that's a sword in his hand. what do you take when you go to vegas? >> i saw the pictures. there was no sword. do you have a sketch of the other picture? >> here is the thing. you said you wanted professional quality, and that takes time. i can come back tomorrow night with the picture. >> again your skills proved to be a massive waste of money.

>> a terrible picture. >> essentially this is the story of the year or perhaps the decade. >> i want to know how do you get an invite to the party? it kind of looked fun. >> it looked amazing. i do want to be there when the queen -- when he meets with the queen to hear what she says. >> i wonder if she actually cares. you must be deeply embarrassed. this is your country. >> this is not my country. this is english. i could careless. >> maybe we can save a few welsh, but tip it into the sea. typical though. lies. >> first, prince harry has three pubs. pubes. secondly, this man is meant to be british and what is the helmet? that looks like an elephant tongue.

this is about the americanization of britain. that goes back to the cornflakes guy. how is he getting involved in british penises? >> i just -- how did we -- we were talking about royalty, and now we are talking about nude men. >> how did we get to penises? i don't know. how did we get there? >> i hate to call you again on this, but the anger over the sir come session in the photo was on "meet the press." >> i am going to watch that show next time. >> for good preparation. the palace is in a fury. should they be? >> i think they will pretend they are. they all know harry well enough to know that he is in vegas and parading around a little bit. however, i have this sweep image of prince harry. i am a little let down. i was a little let down by it. at the olympics in the audience he looked so clean cut and handsome. >> he is a kid. he likes to party and get naked.

>> then again there is nothing wrong with what he was doing, right? >> i am not so sure. >> does he have a girlfriend? he did for awhile. >> he had one that night. >> you have been studying these photos and following harry some say too closely the last few years. >> yes, the security was too closely. these women you know he bought their drinks the entire night. i'm sure it was his suite and his pool table. they were having a lovely game of naked pool, and what does one do? take a picture? this guy would be -- was being very nice. >> you have to take the cameras. or maybe be nice to your host. >> it would be good if you were nice to your host. if they are not, take the cameras. if they -- there is a basket and just put the camera in the basket. >> everybody knows that is not prince charles' kid anyway. >> a camera basket? >> i am going on shark cage or whatever that is called.

shark hunt? >> i am sitting here with three guys saying he should have been focused when he is surrounded by naked girls with getting their disposable cameras. okay. >> naked girls, gross.

"i am the sexiest woman alive" and avril levine and chad kroger are engaged. i repeat. they got together in february to co write a presumably awesome song for her upcoming album. the 27-year-old quote said, he makes me laugh every day. he takes care of me and is extremely attentive. so, my goodness, you live in canada. >> i moved quite recently. >> this is your royal wedding. >> this is canadian celebrities keeping it clean and keeping it american. they are making more hosers. >> you have a boring culture. >> she has been married before. >> she was going spread her seed down south. what about a canadian identity? >> are you a naturalist. >> i am an american

xenophobe. >> you don't like him, do you? >> i like hip just fine. >> what had to brodyjenner? and by the way the things you said -- she said about him, she said did brody too. >> she loves being in love. who doesn't? >> i wonder if she will go down the aisle in a skateboard 1234*. >> she is a skater chick, right? skater girl. >> i believe they are skate betties. >> skater boy was the name of the song. >> they are skate betties. >> women don't skate. they are skate betties. >> i had no idea. >> i want to ask bill, will you wait for chad some. >> no. i looked at their union and i said what a huge combination of suck. even when they are supposed to look happy they are forcing a smile. the whole thing makes me upset.

>> what with the canada bashing? >> it is horrible music bashing. i will say she misses brody. brody is an american. only americans can have the word bro in their name. canada is not cool enough. >> and now we will come back.

here is andy levy. >> are you hosting this week? >> yes, 5:00 p.m. eastern time. it is a show called "money." 5:00 p.m. fox business network. >> cool. a andrea, what is going on? i hear your son is going to the surf championships? >> it is going to be the old interview -- [inaudible] check it out. >> does he surf? >> no. he tried. he cannot do it.