it went on and on and i couldn't breathe. bob: so what was the dream you ended the show the way you begin. [ laughter ] >> dana: like a sandwich. welcome to "red eye." i'm greg gutfeld or as i am known in panama, the creeper. what is coming up on tonight's show, old sport? >> our top story, a second grader is sent home after throwing an imaginary grenade. the latest on the war on playing war straight ahead. and the post office says it will stop delivering mail on saturdays. for you young people out there, the postal system is what old people use to communicate by sending written material from house to house. weird, i know. and the grammies issue a wardrobe advisory, asking to stop from showing breasts.

congratulations, andy. you got what you wanted. >> what do you mean? >> monopoly. they replaced the iron with the cat. >> the people have spoken. >> i think you rigged it. >> i rigged nothing. >> i love it because a cat is a smoother removal than an iron at the emergency room. >> there is that. and now all we have to do is get rid of the stupid terrier dog. she is so hot that boy scouts sing songs around her. she is like a campfire. i am here with author, columnist and fox news contributor, jedediah bila. and he is so bright that lost sailors follow him home. it is jonathon last. it is his first time here, but his last name is last. his latest book is called what to expect when no one is expecting. it is screaming up the charts. speaking of screaming, in columbia he is considered a mirror, my repulsive sidekick,

bill schulz. and if musical genius was bongo drums i would bang him with my shirt off. >> a block, the lede, that's the first story. >> that was arousing, actually. is this the end of pretend? well, they made him feel shame for playing a game. a colorado school, is there any other kind, has suspect -- suspended a seven-year-old for pretending to throw a grenade during recess. alex evans says he was trying to save the world when he threw the imaginary explosive into a box filled with evil. sounds like andy levy's apartment. here is what the second grader told fox 31, a robot fox, in denver. >> i pretended something was in my hand. i pretended there was a box and something shaking in it and it went -- >> he did not throw anything real or make any threats against anyone.

he explains he was pretending to be the hero. >> so nothing can get out and destroy the world. >> but there is no reprieve from make believe. mary blair elementary school says the actions violate one of the absolutes which says no weapons, real or play. how is the kid handling it? >> i just can't believe i got disbended. >> oh, disbended indeed. you know who else likes to put on his imagination helmet and pretend to save the world? >> he will make a glue maker extremely happy. wk, it is always a pleasure to see you, my friend. has the world gone insane? we are now waging war on make believe. >> in my school days we could play with fake weapons.

although some kids did bring real weapons which is frightening. now to not be allowed to play with fake, fake weapons is another level i can't fathom. >> it would be like somebody saying no, you can't play air guitar. perhaps i might offend or scare people who might think loud noises might come from that. >> i agree. it is crazy and i say the more the merrier. at least he can imagine things in his head. hopefully it encourages deeper thoughts. >> i don't know. aren't little boys supposed to grow up playing soldier? >> i went to quaker school. we were not allowed to keep score playing kick ball. that sends wrong messages about competition. we should absolutely let them do these things. we don't want them to be like me. >> they make the furniture, right? >> they make good oatmeal.

>> thank you, quackers. quakers are great people. jedediah, you said this kid broke the rules, and so he deserves everything he gets which seems harsh to me. now that you are with fox news maybe you just want to earn some points. >> you are a liar. i absolutely did not. this is stupid. when i was a kid i used to pretend to be a super hero, spider-man. he has web shooters. those are dangerous. i would have been suspended 50 times if this had applied to me. are you sufficiently outraged? >> i am beyond that point. i am outraged plus. >> she is so outraged that when she first came to the show that was a blue dress. >> bill, when you were a child you pretend bathed. well, because you had no real bathtub or shower. in fact, you were living on the streets. you were pretending to be a

lot of things. >> don't really have a question for you. >> no, but thank you for letting me relive my youth. how many times do i have to tell you this, hyper sensitive preschools. suspension is no punishment. particularly when the kid has done nothing wrong. back in the day if you were to actually do something truly wrong, sure the time off of school is a great thing. we all hate learning. i know i do. but your parents will make you do something bad. the parents are not going to punish this kid because he did nothing wrong. so what does he get? he gets a reward. the parents are taking him to toys r us, to chuck e cheese. instead of learning stupid multiplication he is having the time of his life. i hope you are happy, hyper sensitive school. and still speaking -- and speaking of, i still don't know how to do multiplication. thanks a lot. >> i have a theory. i am so good at imagining doing things i often do

nothing. say i want to write the great american novel, i could imagine what that is like, and so by the time i am done imagining it, i never do it. >> all of the sensation and satisfaction and achievement and you felt it. >> i felt it so i never do anything. it is as though i accomplished it. you know who president cay do that? it is criminals. they don't have an active imagination which is why they do things that are destructive. i can envision mutilating a cat. i don't like doing that. sometimes crazy people, they can't -- by not allowing kids to imagine and play pretend, could actually force them to act out because they don't know what the feeling is like. >> that explains my whole life, actually. >> they say you are the greatest hero of all. >> thank you. >> that's just a theory i had. want more theories? >> everything about you frightens me. >> just because you say something that actually resembles words and they are

in sentences, you can't just call that a theory. we need somebody to give us a definition of what theory means. >> from detention to delivery, are we nearing the end for the old way to send? the u.s. postal service, whatever that is, has talked about suspending saturday delivery by august. the measure could save the struggling agency $2 billion annually with the postmaster general say thing, quote, it would be irresponsible not to pursue this course. last year the agency posted nearly a $16 billion loss. to put that in perspective, that is $16 million -- that is 16 million $10 mailed by your grandmother. note, this is a disasterous idea. it would be particularly harmful to small businesses and the rural community and the elderly and disabled and those who depend on saturday for commerce and communication. let's check in with a mail

carrier on his route. >> that was beautiful before the van hit them. jedediah, do you agree with the postmaster general on his thoughts? i thought he made good points. people who live in rural areas have access to nothing. >> they are still going to get their packages on saturday. >> but that's all filled with oxycontin and meth. >> that's only your packages. >> look, they are not efficient. and the demand is not there. they decided to keep sending packages to people on saturdays because the demand was there. they had an increase in the rate of people who were requiring these packages or whatnot. the demand is not there with mail. we have e-mail and the internet, and it is not necessary. they are responding by saying we are broke and we have to do something about it. >> i don't know.

i'll get to why we need the postal service, but packages will still be delivered on saturdays, so what is the big deal? >> america is on prime. it is crazy. did we lose a war or something where we are suddenly losing our saturday delivery? it is our birthright. >> there is nothing better than waking up on saturday d seeing mr. -- >> did i get some bills? did i get some bills? >> no kidding. i would delay that if i could. >> andrew, at what point will e-mail fully destroy the postal service? >> never. well every home has a 3-d printer and you can printout a package and three-dimensional three-dimensional:00s. >> that's going to happen. >> they have one down the street on 6th avenue. for me i actually like the idea of not having saturday delivery because then i look that much more forward to monday delivery and the tantalizing hope that maybe there will be something good in the mail. >> you said there is a 3-d printer on 6th avenue, but

that is an appleby's. it is not a 3-d -- >> something on the plate was three dimensional. >> they didn't print that. that was cooked by a young man or female. god bless them. bill, you again have no actual address to speak of. how do you get your mail and avoid making a homoerotic -- pun. >> then i can't say anything. internet is killing malls and pr firms and internet is killing sex shows in mexico. the internet ruins everything. >> remember -- they need to reinvent themselves. remember when taco bell and pizza hut moved together? they said we are dying, but there will be people who want to go to pizza hut and their friend will wouldn't to go to taco bell. they pushed it together.

who is their audience? it is the elderly. the ice cream man has to be a mail man. when you are delivering mail you are also -- you are delivering ice cream, you are also delivering pharmaceutical. >> pharmacy combined with meal service and taxes maybe? >> and booze delivery? all of the things house bound service. >> a handyman? >> the handyman service would be perfect. >> i don't want to sound like a bigot, but i am against the taco bell-pizza hut marriage. i don't know about that. >> stay with your own kind. >> they paved the way for gay marriage. >> from postal to plastic, there there -- they are as trendy as they are livenedy. san francisco, a city, banned plastic shopping bags for the cloth kind in an effort to help the environment and

birds. what is good for seagulls is bad for nonseagulls or creatures who can't fly. researchers say the sacks con intay potentially harmful bacteria and have killed humans. they found that, quote, the san francisco ban is linked to 46% increase from deaths of food born illnesses. this implies an increase of 5.5 annual deaths for the county. that's five and a half people or one kris christy. >> a little weight joke. >> they know using standard estimates we show that the health costs associated with the san francisco ban swamps any budget terry savings. the problems have been around for a longtime according to one expert. >> it has been around a longtime, and as a result it does take quite a longtime to make change. even the best one in the world.

>> it never, ever gets old. >> you have to have a bag person there to block out the bag. >> you know that was the only time he has done tv. he gets excited. it is a plastic bag. what happened with the cloth bag . we lost a great mind. >> jed do de yaw, is this further evidence that being cool and green is deadly? >> it is crazy. i don't know what is in the air over there, but everything that comes out of san francisco seems nuts. and these reusable bags, what is wrong with people? why can't they wash them? >> that's the issue. >> wash the bags. why is that hard? they are so concerned about not using plastic, but we have a washing machine. >> clearly you haven't washed anything in months. do you know what the cloth

bags are like? blue jeans. i will wash a shirt every day, but nobody washes their blue jeans. that's what happens. they don't die because they don't get the meat juices that have touched the produce. also the bag could be clean, but for some reason the stuff mixes -- >> it mingles. >> and then with the vegetables they usually put those in plastic bags and you will still use the plastic bag. are they replacing all of those? >> they are putting the vegetables in there without the plastic bag. >> that's a good p oi nt. i haven't been to a produce department -- i won defer what they do -- i wonder what they do. they have to put them in plastic bags. >> washing machines and more energy. >> and more detergent. >> where do you stand on the reusable versus disposable? >> my wife uses the reusable. >> your wife?

>> it is disgusting, but i don't want to discrime that. we need separate, but equal checkout lanes for those who want to use their dirty, filthy reusable bags and the rest of us who are clean and sanitary can have our plastic bags. the reusable people get one lane. >> yes, that's all. bill, these researchers say the statistical value of your life is less than a sea -- seagull's. i was impressed. i didn't think they had the numbers, but they didn't. >> it was a paragraph, but not a question. you need an inflection at the end or else you will sit here and look stupid. i think this is stew tid. stupid. you shouldn't be forced to do something. there is nothing wrong with getting rid of more plastic. wash the stupid bag. you are dying from your own idiocy. >> i don't have a bag to wash.

before we use one story to den gnaw grate the movement, do yourself a favor. see what this filthy city looked like. it is because of the green movement we have cleaner streets and we don't have themed games running around willy nilly taking over new york and warriors come out to play. >> that was a crime issue solved. that has nothing to do with the environment. >> once they stopped breathing in these foul fumes they decided to take off the matching baseball jerseys and/or transgender themed garb and they were normal, responsible people rather than dancing games. >> you know what happened after that? they started dressing in similar gang clothing which made them even more dangerous. >> just because they were wearing white sox hats does not mean they were in a gang you bigot. >> coming up, should amusement parks be segregated?

we jus jedediah bila's new book, you must be this white to ride. the kkk calls it a must read, but i condemn it. first, should americans be more european to help with global warming? no thank you. i am not eating with chop sticks.

a new study from a lefty think tank may help slow global warming, whatever that is, and recommends a worldwide switch to a more european work schedule. according to the center for economic policy and research or sepr, it could prevent half of the rise of global temperatures by the year 2100. if we follow the european

model, and who does president -- doesn't follow european models? we would expect fewer hours and let output and lower emissions of greenhouse gases. ideally americans would work pown -- .5% less each year starting with a reduction in 2013. so how are pandas responding? >> and then she rolled over and crushed him. if you want to see that film you have to pay the extra red eye plus. jonathon, should we be open to bold ideas like this? stop working so hard. >> i am a writer or what we called a journalist. i have been fighting global warming my own way for 16 years, greg, and i am proud of it.

>> that's true. you haven't worked a single day in your life. >> i like to put in 90 minutes. >> stretching it over a period of time. >> the jewel gets you to that. >> less working means more partying. can we party away dploa glow balance warming? >> i think my carbon foot print is small. i do wear a size 12 shoe. it is more rubber and leather. does flying around on vacation and staying in hotels useless energy than -- >> are you a genius. that's a good point. who says leisure time is any better on the planet? >> i want to see a break down. >> watch bill after the show. he breaks down almost constantly. >> we have some pop waiting for you. >> jedediah, should we adopt this european model? >> no, i mean, america is

supposed to be about hard work. that's what makes us different in our work ethic. but there is a big difference when you travel overseas. i spent a summer in spain. >> must be nice. >> i was in college. >> were you speaking spanish? >> yes, i was. >> and looking at the rain on the plane? >> they take a lot of see yeses staws. i felt like i was sleeping all the time. it was shock to my system to relax. i don't know what that says about me. maybe i am over worked and maybe i am doing something right. america is about hard work. >> he is a charmer. >> he brought up a good point. he only looks good in certain angles. if he turns over he looks like a troll. >> he would be the perfect jekyle and hyde because they wouldn't have to do anything. >> now go on this side of the stage.

>> yes, it is true. i think we should devote the rest of the show to javier bardem. >> he is in savage abbie. >> i think we took this article to a higher intellectual plain. >> i could not agree less. >> do you have a comment on the show e-mail us. if you have video of your animal doing something, perhaps taking a nap, just like the europeans that jedediah hates. go to fox news.com/red eye. you smeared an entire continent. click on submit a video. still to come, the half time report from andy levy. >> tonight is sponsored by snakes. it is jaws capable of considerable extension. thanks, snakes.

we are back. let's see if we got anything wrong so far. >> breaking news just into fox news of the variety report said matt smith who plays the 11th dr. on dr. who will be in how to catch a monster, the directorial do bay of one ryan gosling. >> oh my goodness. i certainly will be driving to see that.

>> anyway. >> i will even bring my notebook while watching it. >> you kill everything you touch. >> with my squad. >> it certainly sounds like a walk in jurassic park. he was in that, right? >> no, he wasn't. >> oh. >> that was ryan philippe. >> you were thinking of ben kingsly who was also not in "jurassic park." >> he did play gandhi though. >> eric bowling called and he wants his look back. >> oh, burn. >> there is nothing on my lapel. >> i am talking about the collar and the french cuff. >> i need a haircut. i i couldn't wear a tie. >> of course, the most logical connection. >> you need a haircut so you don't wear a tie 1234. 1234-- ht

his neck. >> i knew you would understand. >> second grader success spended for throwing an imaginary grenade. it is crazy that you can't use fake, fake womens, but little alex evans can still imagine in his head. >> that is like mind crimes. and there is an album by -- oh jeez. they can punish people for their sthots. hopefully that does not happen in the brave new world. >> that was a great film with matt damon called "minority report" about the mind crime. mark wahlberg? >> it might have been mark wahlberg. >> you were thinking of "magic mike." >> i was having mind crimes. >> i think you were talking about the maggie gyllenhall

movie "source code." >> you said if people are quakers they are not watching. 78% of our audience are quakers. >> oh boy. >> yep. spider-man is your boyfriend? >> yes. and on the side when he is busy doing super hero stuff, thor. >> boy, you run the gamut. pick a type. >> i would not let thor find out spider-man is also involved here. >> i don't know. i would like to see them fight. >> jonathon, my question for you, what if this little kid imagines he was president obama ordering a drone strike on the box? would that be okay? >> the terrorists have to die, andy. >> bill, you said suspension is no punishment. here is the thing. the absolute procedure the school has, the list of

absolutes, success speption doesn't happen until the third violation. there are things we don't know about or little alex was not suspended. he might have been sent home for the day. i maintain that being sent home is no punishment. >> it is a punishment for your mom, bill. >> i don't even know who she is. >> neither did she. >> by the way, i just picked her a droid saying you just violated an absolute. so weird. greg, your theory such as it was about acting out and being able to imagine? >> yes. >> pure bunk. >> how can you de bunk that? >> i don't have to de bunk that. it is boppinged. >> wait, that's not ambudsing. that is opinion nateing.

opinionating. eric wouldn't do that and neither would his 14-year-old son. >> he has a son? >> i explained why you don't agree. that is my theory. >> your theory is criminals can't imagine. they can imagine them and they enjoy imagining them and then they leads them to actually do them. >> no, an intelligent person can imagine the consequences of his actions and you see it all the time on cops. they get arrested like whoa, i can't believe this is happening. everybody gets arrested and it is like, oh jeez, ah eu6789! what is going on. >> your example is strangling a cat. you don't like the way it makes you feel so you don't do it. >> the is -- the difference is a psycho path imagines it. >> they are thinking what would it be like to kill t lades,

looks like we've got grown up murderer. >> they get that way because they can't imagine it. that's my point. jay that's my point when i say it is absolute bunk. >> i don't even any fish. i know what fish tastes like. i don't need to eat it. >> you can imagine what it tastes like? >> i imagine what this tastes like. i have a rich imagination. >> i will have you know that before the show we replaced your water with fish juice. you have been drinking it the whole time. >> and you know i like it. >> post office ending saturday delivery. the saddest thing about this is postal workers will not find out for three to five days.

i feel bad for them. jedediah, did you say people will get their packages of oxycontin and meth on saturdays? >> i said packages and then i said greg's packages may look like they have oxycontin in them. why? >> i was asking for a friend. jonathon you said saturday delivery is our birthright. now have i to only not check my mail five days a week. >> you know what, it heightens the anticipation. >> what can you anticipate getting in the mail these days? all you get are bills. >> dakota rings. >> the coupon pack. >> the big value pack. it has like 75 different dry-cleaners. >> when you invited me over on saturday night to clip coupons, that wasn't a euphemism? >> no, it wasn't.

>> had i known. >> i opened the value pack and i throw them on my desk. it is like robbing a bank. we throw them on the bed and it was like we were so lucky. >> i thought coupons was one of your house boys. >> that's not funny. you know how he died. >> you clipped him. >> reusable boxes -- bags had to do with the environment and i got board. jedediah you said why can't people wash the bags? it would eliminate the risk, but virtually nobody does that. >> people are lazy and they also don't think anything could be going on in the bag. oh it it is a bag. bear apples sitting in a bag with juice from god knows what? >> they are almost like criminals in that they can't imagine it.

>> finally you are coming around. by the way, i imagined that joke coming five minutes ago. >> i don't believe you did. >> i did. i thought not a joke i would use, so i didn't. you could imagine it. >> i didn't have to imagine it. i came with it on the spot. >> you imagined coming up with it. >> wouldn't it be great if i came up with a joke. >> i want to say one thing. sometimes there is so much beauty and i can't take it and my heart is going to cave in. you know what that is from, greg? that is from the plastic bag scene in "american beauty." the plastic bag scene. we wouldn't have art like that. >> that's true. >> the dumbest scene of one of the dumbest movies ever.

that was high school senior symbolism, 101. >> ryan gosling? >> ryan gosling was terrible. what happened to wes? >> still chasing that bag it is a different kind of bag. >> kevin spacey is gay -- ning a reputation for film. >> he is men-toring lots of actors. >> i started to read the study and it had to do with the environment and got board. jonathon for your information he had no idea what be jeweled is. >> angry bird kind of guy. >> he is a blackberry kind of guy. i was trying to figure it out when he said be jewed. >> he did not say the jews. it was like, first time on and he is already ripping on ear

races. >> i started with the quakers and moved to the jude. >> what does it mean? >> when you get circumsized, you are bejewed. you asked if flying around on vacation is bad for those at work. he said there is no way to know what people would do with their increationed free time. >> i have to say though, i like this idea mainly because it would give me more time to do charity work. >> you don't do charity work. >> because i president do have a turn. >> why? >> this is my point. thank you, thank aw incredible changes. ri

advisory for grammy performers. thankfully newing dpet. the grammy is still delicious.

it is a reminder to cover your behinder. cbs has issued a stern wardrobe warning to performers at this sunday's grammy awards. the internal memo, please be sure that buttocks and breasts are covered. please avoid exposing bear, flushy under curves of a buttock and the buttock crack. avoid shear, see through clothing that could expose female breast nipples. what about male nipples?

avoid commercial political statements including lapel pins or any other form of accessory. discuss shall we in -- >> lightning rooooouuunnndd. >> have you been to the grammies? >> no. >> have you ever been -- i not you were nominated. >> this was part of the problem. the clothing, my aroma. >> we like that you like to show. >> these are the artists and what we refer to as an artist. part of the expression is being provocative at times. this is the perfect place to have this kind of stuff happen. >> and it is the only interesting thing that happens. that's what i live for,

jedediah. are you offended by it? >> i am not offended. i am a fan. i love crazy cost actuals. i would never turn on the grammies. >> why do we keep showing the same stupid picture of taylor what is his face? >> taylor dane. >> that is not taylor disain. i will tayer dane. >> you are so not with it. >> is this where j-lo wore the green dress that was naked. is that the grammies? >> no that was michael jackson's funeral. >> very inappropriate. >> very inappropriate. >> it took the attention off michael. >> and we don't need that. >> they can't do it on the red carpet either. they can't wear anything like on the red carpet. >> i hate when you ask questions like this. >> do you think these memos

will work? these guys are rebels. you tell them to do something and they will be like, f-you, memo. we will do our thing or thang. >> i hear on twitter, everybody will wear a livestrong bracelet. i want to see everybody in the old bjork costumes. >> that was one of the best. bill, you are told every day you are unacceptable for broadcast and you come back. >> i can't believe i am still on. usually they put a big blur on me. >> it doesn't matter to me. got my laptop up. i wonder if she has ever had a nude scene. indeed she has. next. you see the notebook, bam.

it is fun. do whatever you want. >> background music and offices everywhere. it is part of a reorganization by the parent company mood media. the music name will be retired. the brand was synonymous. what is that? >> it is a sin gnaw minute, but more nonymous. jay it is the same way gutfelding is working out nude. i did pioneer that. >> you used to pioneer. they stacked weights. >> are you sad or totally relieved? was musac as bad as people said sph. >> i like atmospheric music. sometimes i have a song in my head and sometimes it matches up to the grocery store. it is always something i

enjoyed. i thought musac was the name of the music you hear. it is doubting their own brand. they built this over many years. i love that mood media that is playing. no one will say that. >> have a minute left. >> they don't care. they are out to destroy everybody's mind. you go there in the morning and they are playing special music to help you buy. you go to abercombie and fitch in the afternoon and they know what to play too make us buy things. >> if i can't dance to it, i am not happy. >> winston churchill said that. apparently i don't have time. >> it is time to take a break. more stuff is on the way. buy my book, "joy of hate" amazon.com, g gutfeld.com.

go ax murderers. they find that people who use the internet at work spend time doing things unrelated to their job. researchers say the phenomenon accounts for 80% of the time spent by employees surfing the web. while many restrict access to certain websites, those opposed by employees need

freedom in the office as well as something to masterbate to. jonathon? questions, answers, comments? >> a a lot of people only use it three at a time. jedediah, i am guessing people were goofing off at work long before there was the internet. >> they were probably staring blankly on the wall and guess the internet is more fun. if they are getting their jobs done and they are efficient and have spare time why not get on twitter and facebook? >> i think i am right on this. it feels like they are doing something when they are not doing something. >> stimulating and so you are engaged. i think the human spirit desires nothing more than not working. >> so true. and i don't know if it is procrastination or terror. >> i think it is both. >> it is the fear of doing

work. it is worse than procrastination, bill. thanks to the computer you are able to stretch five minutes of writing into six hours. >> thank you, computer. >> it is a phenomenon, but it has nothing to do with wasting time. if you want to learn more go to bill schulz, 18 and over, 18 and over. >> that is no the an age requirement. i don't know what that means. >> log on to picture 18 and everything over that and grosser. >> why? >> why did you ask him that? >> i just figured he would shut up. >> we will close things out with a post game wrap up from tv's andy levy. to see clips from recent shows fox news.com/red eye.

see you back here at 5 for "the five." fox news radio at 11:00 a.m. new "red eye" tomorrow with

lori rothman and sherrod small. >> back to andy levy for the post game wrap up. >> anything new in the world of shot glasses? >> so glad you asked about this, yes. this is the official bloody nose, party hard shot glass. it is a picture of me with a bad bloody nose. you can buy the set at www. andrew .wk.com. >> that's a lot of w's. >> in fairness you didn't ask a question. that was merely an observation. >> jedediah, when are you on the fox next? >> pry day -- try day night knox. >> what is the book about? >> what to expect when no one is expecting. the only thing worse than not having children is having them. >> that will help the population. >> interesting. back to you. >> thank you, andy.