relationship expert john gray says mars and venus are still colliding in the work place. he'll tell us what we still get wrong with the opposite sex at work. learn how the bay area's jewish vocational service can help you find work. that's next on bay area focus.

welcome to the show. last year half the country's work force were women. although we think we know how to work professionally with the opposite sex, relationship expert john gray says men and women are blind to work expectations at work. he explains the blind spots and

how to fix them in his new work with me. >> you have written 17 books? >> no. 24. this is the 17th best-seller. >> is this the first time you coauthored with somebody? >> yes, it is the first one. she is a woman and she's been teaching gender differences in the work place 30 years. >> so have you. did you get to a point as not only the expert on this, but a man who i assume you do everything right at home. >> my wife will give me a's. sometimes a-plus. sometimes c. >> were you finding you needed the information from a woman to get the right information out there now? >> we had a meeting together three years ago. it was so much fun to collaborate. she knows things i didn't know. i know things she didn't know.

she speaks from a woman's voice and ownership of challenges women face that i can't talk about because i'm a man. she talks about being a big executive in a big company. she said to be successful she had to become like a man. after a while she felt schizophrenic. she had to be a man at work and a woman at home. she began to realize women become what he calls the third sex. women who becomes man. these women i talk at i say it in terms about women who tend to not balance their lives properly. if you are in a job of urgency, emergency, sacrifice for money, where you are not loving every minute of it women's stress levels go higher. when a man does a job he hates, as long as he comes home and

his wife is happy to see him, it doesn't cause any stress. women have 30 times more testosterone. testosterone inhibits oxytocin, which is the relationship hormone. >> if she is going to work and feeling stressed and comes home and doesn't know what to be and he is not happy. >> well, she comes home more stressed. if you looked at the most feminist countries where there is greater equality. i'm all for equality. you achieve equal not by saying we are all the same. you do it by recognizing and appreciating differences. diversity is what makes a success. america is based on diversity. >> you say in the book the work place was created by men for men. this is 2013. there was a line in your book saying 50 years its a

supposedly been a changed work force but we still don't get. what's wrong with us? >> you have a foundation that's structured. which is the way men think in the work place. goals in the work place, bottom line make money. time money. that's fine if you have 30 times more testosterone because you can postpone gratification until you get home. when you are a woman time is money she feels a sense of urgency and inhibits oxytocin that reduces stress. in norway and sweden women's stress limits are twice as high as men in the work place and four times at home. >> they must call you all the time over there. >> it is a real love hate. half the country hates me. half the country loves me. >> we are laughing but you say time is money. complaints are money, too.

>> let me focus on time is money. that's the work world. everybody is going suck it up, get the job done. that's not healthy for women or men. we can create a better work force. women bring in gender intelligence. not only the ability to see the difference best between men and women in a positive way but to appreciate those differences. that's what is missing in the work place. women want more flexibility. better job conditions, more personal fulfillment, we want equal pay. all of these things are personal fulfillments. women are saying let's bring personal fulfillment in the work place. men are not allowed to whine and complain. you suck it up and get the job done. women are designed to talk about all the problems. women's bodies have a feedback loop. when you talk about problems it releases oxytocin that lowers tress levels.

>> if we are having this problem, the women want different ways of working. so somebody comes in, maybe it is you. maybe it is somebody from human resources department saying we'll be doing things differently now because there is women here. can men are rolling their eyes. >> in the beginning they do roll their eyes but they are like really? >> do men resist it? >> until you point it out to them. >> then they have to change a habit. nobody likes to change a habit. >> men are so flexible. men are all about getting the result done. if he can be convinced what this book does is shows men the value women are bringing to the table and the gold mine men are missing. five people at the table. two women three men. men are like playing soccer.

kicking the ball back and forth. testosterone gives us faster reaction time. two women are sort of listening. one woman jumps in. the men mistakingly assume those two women have nothing to say. it is a mistaken assumption. if a man was in the soccer game he he wasn't saying anything, we as men know he has nothing to say. he was a losing that day. >> what is she doing? is she checked out because she doesn't like soccer or they are dominating and she is trying to get in. >> she is trying to get in the conversation. part of what she is doing is thinking deeply. when women get information they have more activity in their brain than men. they have nine times more white matter which connects parts of the brain. she is trying to listen. all she needs is somebody to pause and say, what are you thinking about here? i know you have had a lot of

experience with that. she pauses and has a wealth of contribution to come forth that never gets seen. the evidence of this is a survey of 250,000 men and women. 90% of the women felt excolluded in the work place. 90% of the men had no idea women were excluded. it is a blind spot. >> we need to take a break. when we come back we'll talk about where we need to start with this. who wants to be the first to change the game? stay with us.

welcome back. work with me is john gray's new home. you know him from the mars venus philosophy. this is his first one he's coauthored with a woman who informed him of some thing. turns out we are not getting it right in the work place. so what. first of all, let's get sexual harassment out of the way. are you talking about that? as recently as the mayor of san diego. >> this is shocking. i can't believe this. >> talk about the work place. our civic leaders are still messing up things. you think these guys are bright. if they are not so bright

people will fix them so they are bright by the time they hit a microphone and talk to him. >> it is a subset in this book. we talked about that for 20 years. they are still not getting it right. what's missing is a conversation between men and women where men start to get women. men do not understand women. the stress in the work place with enlightened guys often don't understand women. my assistant came to me 30 years ago and said i want to quit. i said why? she said because i don't feel appreciated. i totally appreciated her. i said why do you not feel appreciated? she said you don't know what i do. i said that's why appreciate you. i don't are to know what you do, you just get it all done. i was feeding my dog this morning. my dog doesn't know what was

going in the food for her. she just loves it so much. all you have to do with men is appreciate what they do. >> some people will say there is a recession still hanging on, even though everyone says it is over and things are better. there are people who need jobs. you may not need to be picky. if you don't like this and you can not adjust to the men here, where else are you going to go? >> it is not just women in the work place having problems with men. it is women in the work place having problems with women in managerial and executive positions. we did a study. 70% of women prefer a male manager. one problem with woman is when this is conversation they ask a lot of questions. often men feel that's the most annoying thing. our survey over 150,000 men the

most annoying thing was woman asking questions. the women who become queen bee start asking everybody questions and micro manage. women don't look it. men don't like it. it is too much control. we want to have our own space. >> it is the third sex. >> that's right. in the 90s in silicon valley it was ceo women acting like bullies. you have to learn to be an executive. women can learn, but at the same time when women interact with queen bees or men is learn how to interact, listen. here's three talk aways, that's a good idea, and i have another

point. instead of opposing that's a good idea. >> just make the point. jump in. >> they won't recent me? >> they will if you jump in and say yes. there is a finness to this. men know where men's egos are and dodge it they are like that's a good idea. i never heard of that before or thought of that. >> what you do is say to them, that's a good idea. i was thinking this. or that gave me an idea. what are the other two things. >> you are sitting at a table and one thing women complain about is they make an idea pop some guy takes the credit for it. she is like how did he talk my idea? you have to take it back. it is like a game. men are aren't intentionally doing this to you. they take your idea, piss on it and make it their idea. you don't say you took my idea.

that's awful. they sense that's awful. you are stuck inside opposed to play the game. there is a communication style you have to work with. >> can they interrupt? i remember deborah did a thing a couple years ago. she basically said men interrupt women all the time. a bunch of men, i don't care if you are at a cocktail party or a house. the men will chitchat. women will be talking and the man will interrupt her. and the woman almost never interrupts. should she? >> if she feels comfortable. you can be a woman and interrupt a guy. guys don't mind being interrupted as long as your point is even with his point. women's minds see the bigger picture. men tend to focus on one thing. if you interrupt and you are focused on the same point, the guy goes i'll listen to that.

if you have something else it is like wait a second. >> true or false. one word answer. you can only change yourself. you can change the other people. >> i love it. >> that's three words but i'll take it. the book is called work with me. there are practical ideas in the work place and how to change yourself in the work place so it is a better place for you. you can also get in touch with john gray and the rest of his work and workshops he has going on. mars venus.com. always fun to have you here. >> thank you. stay with us more ahead.

four years later they expanded service to anyone who needs help finding a job. with details we welcome from jbs, abby, executive director. thank you for coming in. >> thank you for having me. >> you don't have to be jewish to get help from jds. >> absolutely not. part of jewish values is really helping everyone in repairing the world. we help every walk of life.

>> i assume the service is free. >> the service is subsidized. somebody is paying for it. for people looking for ideas in changing careers and career coaching we charge a slight fee. for people looking for work services are free to them. >> so you don't turn anybody away. what if somebody comes in and they are older. they have been out of a job for a while. they are hard to place because there is an age situation. there is still discrimination against it. they have been out and looking for a long time. say a year or more. there are people out there like that now. where do you start? >> i'm glad you are starting with that example. the people you just describe ready the largest group of people we are working with. people who are long term unemployed, who have been out of jobs sometimes for several years tend to be 40s, 50s, 60s. this week we saw a woman who

was 75 who is looking for work. people get discouraged and lose confidence in a way that gets in their way of putting their best foot forward. age discrimination is a real thing. people internalize age discrimination. >> where do you start with that? >> we start with helping people be clear on the work they are looking for. the most successful job search is one with the clearest focus. we help people build their skills to do jobs, especially older people need to upgrade near skills. >> i'm assuming technical skills. >> the latest version of word and excel and comfort with different technologies. technologies have changed so drastically.

we are teaching classes. i'm using linkdin and twitter. >> what is the success rate to get them placed? >> in the last year close to a thousand people got jobbed through jds. people are getting jobs and getting them every day. for people out of work for a long time, who have ages of barrier and competitive skills, people are looking at long and discouraging job searches. >> even with your help? >> yes. part of what we do is help people not only develop skills and help them with connections and support so they can sustain themselves through long job searches. one thing we are learning is how effective it is for people to work in groups together. we are doing group-based training more and more. people are finding support from each other and sharing leads and ideas. we are spawning off what we are calling success teams where a group will continue working on its own. >> what kind of jobs are you seeing? besides high-tech stuff what

other needs are out there where people say i need workers or i can't fill these jobs. >> we focus on sectors in the bay area that are hiring and offering people opportunities where they can career advancement. health care is the biggest one. >> when you say health care do you mean people who have to be caregivers in assisted living home or certified nurse assistants or higher than that? are we looking for people to train as rn's? >> health care is one of the largest sectors and employers in the city. health care offers jobs at multiple levels. one of the frustrating things about san francisco is that despite its low unemployment rate we have a polarized label market and growing inequality here. the fastest growing jobs are really jobs at the top of the

scale pyramid and the bottom. health care offers both. we are working with people to train them to be home care attendants, certified nursing assistants. we are working with people to work in administrative positions at large employers. >> isn't that going to change as the affordable care act kicks in, isn't the paper work and need to process that going to change? >> health care providers have been converting to electronic medical records. that's a skill people have to have to work in health care. what we are also finding is real interest among health care providers on customer service skills. as their reimbursement is linked to patient satisfaction. we are working directly with health care employers to train existing employees and custodial staff to improve customer service for patients. >> what is your advice for recent graduates? i'm assuming somebody that comes out of a number of

colleges with a four year degree and probably a hefty college loan to pay back isn't going to want some low paying position. they want something. they don't want to sit at home with mom and dad for months on end trying to get work and not succeeding. >> young adults at the other end of the age spectrum are having huge challenges finding jobs. they have done so much of their lives sitting online. to be successful finding a job, they have to do more than apply to jobs they find on the internet. we teach classes. i'm going to be moderating a workshop today on informational interviewing. young adults have to get out. they have to meet with people in jobs and in industries that are as interesting to them to learn more about those

industries and jobs. to develop a network and to improve their skills in interviewing. >> this is like, you call somebody. or does it have to be a friend of a friend that introduced you? >> the best way to make a contact is through a recommendation. not everybody has that. people can use alumni networks. people can talk to neighbors. people meet at the bus stop. e-mail is the standard communication. >> i don't know about twittering and texting. depends on your grammar and how important it is to the person receiving it. we are out of time. thank you very much for being here. for more information you can go to jvs.org. we leave you with the magnificent sound of our san

francisco symphony. for tickets and information visit sf symphony.org.

good morning, i'm anne mako. i'm phil matier. i'm mark kelly. there s a lot to talk about in our ne hour... (anne teases soda tax (phil teases warriors waterf interview good morning. it is 8:30 sunday february 2nd. thank you for joining us. there is a lot of news to get to. another bay area city is considering a soda tax after the proposal went down in flames recently. is this a good idea? or is this nanny government? that's something we are exploring today. before that comes in front of the san francisco board of supervisors on tuesday. we are going to be taking a look at another big issue in the bay area. the warriors