live." >> dicky: from hollywood - it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- ty burrell. lake bell. jimmy pitches to "shark tank." and it's mash-up monday. with music from joss stone temple pilots. with cleto and theheletones.

here's jimmy kimmel! can you imagine? people are getting upset about this? starbucks isn't celebrating jesus' birthday. what makes people think jesus wants to be on a starbucks cup? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i'm going to tell you something. jesus does not, he wants no part of this. there's no iced frappajesus, he does not want to be part of this. to me the outrtre is they start putting out holiday cups in october. can we please get through pumpkin latte season first? what a thing to be offended at. if you have time to actively protest the color and design of the starbucks holiday cup? you know what you should do? anything else. literally. anything else. [ cheers and applause ] cul-de-sac and play candy crush or something. at least you'll be exercising your thumbs. the race for the republican interesting over the weekend. donald trump hosted "saturday night live."

held a slight lead over donald trump, the latest poll has him leading trump 28 to 27. now with some of the unusual stories ben carson has been tell and has written about himself in his past, trump has a lot of material on which to pouncnc >> do you think that he has >> i just don't know. i mean, i'm not involved. i don't really know. it's a lot of the things. when you say hitting your mother over the head with a hammer, when you talk about hitting a friend in the face with a lock, a padlock, you know. you talk about stabbing someone and it got stopped by a belt buckle. which, you know -- belt buckles really pretty much don't stop stabbings. they turn and d ist and things slide e f of them. it's pretty lucky if that happened. >> jimmy: very lucky if that happened. he's referring to the story, ben carson claims when he was a kid he tried to stab another kid but the kid's belt buckle got in the way and saved him. some people don't believe this happened. so now he's found himself in the very unusual position of having to say, yes, i did too try to

stab somebody! >> is your mother afraid of you? >> i don't think she was a aaid of me. he certainly knew about my temper. >> is he the one who you tried to knife? >> i'm not giving any information about who the person was that i tried to knife. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's the last time he checks in curbside, i'll tell you that. why would he want people to think he stabbed somebody? >> one of the things that we learn in medicine is that we can learn just as much from a mistake as we can from a failure. >> jimmy: oh. oh, now it makes sense, all right. yeah. this stabbing incident was even part of the tv movie. they made a movie about his life. this is a real clip from the movie "gifted hands: the ben carson story." >> go to hell!

>> get off me! >> bennie! what'd you do? >> oh, no! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: always briri a belt t a knife e ght. they should have called that movie "saved by the belt." the dramatic closeup of the broken knife on the ground makes you realize just how deadly a junior high school nerd this man really was. and on top of that, over the weekend i saw photographs of the inside of ben carson's home. walls of his house are covered with news clippings, honorary degrees, photos of him with celebrities, he basically lives in a scrapbook with a roof. but that's fine.

he's accomplished a lot. some of the stuff he has hanging on his walls though is so unbelievable i thought it might be fun to see if you could tell which of them are real and which we made up. so i'll show you a piece of art or a photograph. you have to guess whether it's real from inside ben carson's house or not. all right? our first piece is -- a painting of ben carson, i think -- and what appears to be j jus. oh, yeah, that's hanging in his house, yeah. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] they ought to put that on the new starbucks holiday cup. all right, how about this one? this is a large photo or paininng of ben carson witithis arms folded in front of a tree. is that hanging over ben carson's fireplace at his home? yes. yes, it is. and one more. this is a quote from the bible which is funny considering the photograph we just saw. by humility and the fear of our

from the book of poverbs. supposedly proverbs but it's missing the letter "r" which is disturbing, either he didn't notice it was misspelled or he did notice and decided, doesn't matter. which i think is even more disturbing. the same guy who made that sign made another one in his kitchen. it says "the lord woks in mysterious ways." the one in the bathroom too, "blessed are the poo in spirit." put that painting of ben and jesus up again. [ cheersrsnd applause ] there's so many great things about it. if donald trump had a painting like this, we'd set him on fire, right? i love that jesus is in a bathrobe. it's like they had a spa day together. i wonder if that would hang in the white house. that would be a nice item for the oval office. we have a great show. from "modern family," ty burrell

[ cheers and applause ] lake bell is here. and it's mashup monday. we mash up joss stone with stone temple pilots to form joss stone temple pilots which is going to be great, like peanut butter and jelly in the same jar together. isn't that right guillermo? where's guillermo? where are the producers? what's going on? oh, i know what's going on. i know what this is. can you put a camera in the green room, please? thank you. >> now, i know what you're thinking. you're thinking, ty, you're a two-time emmy award winner, you're one of the most successful television actors that has ever walked the face of the earth. why are you selling mary kay products in your spare time? and i'll tell you why. because e believe in those products. and now you can be a part of it too.

i want to hear something fro you. who here hates their boss? >> jimmy: wait a minute, hold on a second. hey, ty? >> hey, jimmy. that's awesome that you're here, they were talking about what a great boss you are. >> jimmy: thank you. but you know, we're in the middle of the show. these people work on the show. they have jobs to do right now. >> work for mary kay, you can be working for yourselves with no kimmels to tell you whwh to do. >> jimmy: we talked about this and i specifically asked you not to recruit for mary kay at my show. >> we did talk about this and i told you this is not about selling cosmetics, it's about changing lives! >> guillermo: i feel beautiful. thank you, ty burrell. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> you're so welcome. so welcome. >> jimmy: that's it. everybody get back to work. right now. >> no, no! >> jimmy: let's go, everybody -- >> this is the biggest mistake of your lives!

[ cheers and applause ] >> this is destiny talking, your destiny! biggest mistake you'll ever make! i will be out in the parking lot later if you want any -- yeah. all right. >> guillermo: do i get my free lipsticks? >> i'm not a monster, of course you do. >immy: all right. guillermo, get back in here, i need you guarding my body. we will see ty in moments. when we come back from the break, i have -- i am not just one great idea, i have three great ideas i will pitch to the gang at "shark tank" when we return so stick around. [ cheers and applause ] this is more than just a town. this is our home. and small business saturday... is more than just a day. it's our day... to shop small at the places we love... with the people we love. for stuff we can't get anywhere else. and food that tastes like home.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. thai durell, lake bell, mashup monday music on the way. first, anyone who knows me knows i'm not just a guy on a talk show, i'm an idea man. i have a lot of ideas. every day i think of things, and i think, hey, that's an idea, i write it down. the real challenge is putting those ideas to work. i decided to package some of these ideas and take them to a group of people who can do something with them. i loaded guiuiermo into my trunk and away we went t tdive straigig into the "shark t tk." >> next up is an entrepreneur seeking a second chance in the tank. >> oh! >> oh, no. >> jimmy: that's right, me again. hello, sharks. my n ne is jimmy kimmel. >> oh my loror >> jimmy: i'm from kimmel lalaratories as you probably

you may remember me from last season where i presented you with a revolutionary new idea. horse pants. they're comfortable, fashion inability, business casual. appropriate for the track or the barn. as you may recall, robert offered me $5 million for a 10% stake in horse pants and i acceptpt. but when i asked him for the money up front in cash in a big bag, robert backed out. >> shameful. >> jimmy: well this year i am back with an even better idea. and i am excited to present my latest revolutionary new concept. to everyone except for robert. sharks, let me tell you a story. one day i was walking with my daughter down the street. and i stopped to look at a youtube video of a baby pig wearing boots. while i was looking at this hilarious video, my dauguger ran off into the street. luckily no cars were coming. but i learned a valuable lesson that day. and i turned that lesson into an idea. and i turned that idea into an industry. fasten your shark belts because

kone. a full-sized traffic safety cone for kids. >> there is an actual child in there? >> jimmy: : y hello, tanner. >> hello, i'm tanner but i can't see. >> jimmy: you can let your children play in traffic knowing the kid kone is there to protect them. i'm seeking $100,000 for 5% of this company, personal safety is an emerging industry. if you look at this pie chart you will see the wearable cone market. we have 100% of it r rht now. you believe the children are our future, let't'do the safety dance together. put a cone on every kid. thank you. >> how does it work? the kid's head. >> can we see that demonstrated? >> jimmy: absolutely. >> guillermo: sure. >> jimmy: see that? >> how are you liking that? >> it's pretty hot.

>> jimmy: wait. >> yeah, it's also great. >> jimmy: it's great. >> what does it cost? >> jimmy: it costs about $ $ to make and we're selling them fofor $29.99. >> does that hurt the child's head? >> jimmy: who cares, really? the child is safe, okay? helmets are uncomfortable too. >> do you have anything better to show us today or is this the top of the line? >> jimmy: let me show you something else. something that i believe will grab you hook, line, and sinker. fish. people call fishshhe meat of the ocean. that's right. and sharks, what is the first thing you do when you eat a piece of fish? you squeeze a lemon on it. yes? >> yes, it's true. >> jimmy: do you know how dangerous that is? look at this video we made to demonstrate. >> guillermo: aahhh! >> wow.

>> jimmy: whoa. what if the fish already had a squirt of lemon inside it? i present to you lemon in a fish tank. it's a lemon in a fish tank. i'm seeking $3 million in exchange for a 7.3% stake. yes? jimmy, how are yoyogetting g the lemon n to the fish? >> jimmy: the fish eats the lemon through the mouth. >> do you have accredited laboratory testing on that? >> jimmy: do you think i would come in here without accredited laboratory testing on any of my products? >> yes. >> jimmy: how dare you. >> this is poopoo on the stick, take it behind the barn and shoot it, got anything else? >> jimmy: that brings me to my next idea, poopoo on a stick. you don't like the lemon? >> no, it's bad, really bad. >immy: okay then guiuiermo? >> guillermomoput it bac >> jimmy: show them what else we have. this is fruit. doctors say we should eat more of it but we don't. why?

until now. introducing hats for fruit. >> wow. >> jimmy: how can this poor orange compare with a bag of burritos? it can't until it's wearing a hat. look at thatat >> i love thth. >> jimmy: pass t t fruit out to some of the sharks. let them get an up-close look. >> what are you looking for for this interesting idea? >> look at your french beret. >> jmy: i'm looking for $30 million. >> what percentage? >> guillermo: barbara! >> jimmy: you threw it on the floor. >> where it belongs. >> jimmy: wait a minute, are you telling me you guys are not interested in any of my ideas? >> they really suck. >> jimmy: this is unbelievable. >> kimmel laboratories stock is plunging. >> have you ever taken an iq test? >> wow! >> barbara, does that mean you're out_ >> i'm so out. but i'll take this cute little short guy. come on over here. >> i'm out, jimmy, sorry.

going home. >> guillermo: i'm stililwith you. >> jimmy: i'll be back by the way. when i'm back i'm not selling anything to any of you. guillermo, you can stay here. so disappointing. such a great idea, right, tanner? >> yeah. >> jimmy: look who's here, judas. >> guillermo: jimmy, barbara smells so good. >> jimmy: barbara smells good? >> it's crap. this show is going down the drains. >> can i bump into something? >> jimmy: yeah, go bump into something. totally safe. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: they'll be sorry. tonight on the show it is "mashup monday" with joss stone temple pilots, lake bell is here, we'll be right back with ty burrell so stick around. [ cheers and applause ] come on, wake up!!! come o o why ya sleepin'?

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: tonight - from the new movie "man up" - lake bell is with us. and then oururmashup monday" series continues with joss stone and stone temple pilots - joining forces to form "joss stone temple pilots" from the msung stage. this one is going to be great. tomorrow night - anthony anderson will be here, jena malone will join us, we'll have music from chris cornell - and later this week - rob lowe, julia roberts, adrianne palicki from "agents of s.h.i.e.l.d." with music from future and dave gahan and soulsavers. so join us then. our first guest tonight is one of the funniest tv dads we've ever had - and we've had some funny tv dads in this country. he is consistently delightful on "modern family" - wednesday nights on abc. please welcome ty burrell.

>> jimmy: i like that you kept the mary kay suit on, you know? >> well, i showed up in the mary kay suit. i have made a fortune tonight. but much more importantly i'm making a difference. >> jimmy: yeah. that's for sure. i imagine like in the afterlife this is how you'd be dressed just before you're reincarnated as a baby girl. you know? >> a baby girl who looks like me? >> jimmy: yeah. >> or a baby -- like a vegas singer, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, they do start out as babies, yeah. everyone does, really. how are you doing? >> great, good. >> jimmy: still up in utah? >> yes. >> jimmy: you can't weararhat there. i think people -- >> i think this would be an osmond -- this is a total osmond thing. >> jimmy: this is very osmond. you'd have to match all your brothers. you can't just individually wear

>> no. >> jimmy: when you're up there, do you fly there or drive there? >> no, we drive. i come from a -- like a family that always, you know -- we were a road tripping family. didn't have a ton of money so vacation was always in the car. >> jimmy: i see, yes. me with my family. >> long, long, long tripip >> jimmy: rs weren't that long because the car were always break down. >> yep, totally. >> jimmy: two hours into it. >> trying to get up a hill. >> jimmy: my dad would be mad and we'd all have to be real quiet for the rest of the time. >> totally. wait a minute! you're my brother! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i will say the car was so big and deep and there were -- we were way in the back of the car, that we very well could have grown up together and never even known it. >> we actually have the opposite issue, which is we were always in a tiny, tiny clown car essentially. >> jimmy: oh, really. >> essentially. six of us. four siblings, two parents, a car that should have four people in it. one trip specifically was to go

to the olympics. and it was -- my parents in the front -- >> jimmy: i assume the olympics in l.a.? >> 1984 olympics in l.a. we lived in oregon. it's a 12-hour drive. we would come to l.a. fairly regularly because my dad was from here. but we got in the car. we aays planned on leang the next morning. li, we're going toeave at 6:00. never happened. my dad would get home from work, excited, vacuuming the car, like we're leaving. we all got in the car at 6:00 as the sun was going down, we'd drive all night to get down here. that particular trip, there are sisiof us. it's three kididcrammed into the back seat. my brother in the -- this is in the old days -- crammed in the angle of the window. laying like that. for 12 hours. i mean, none of us were wearing seat belts. he's literally a projectile. he's actually a weapon. if we brake hard enough. >> jimmy: we had this too. and the weird thing is, when y y're in the back seat, when somebody pullllup behind d you, it's s ke you're having a cocoersation with them..

>> how are you? where you from originally? uh-huh? yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. that's just like our family. same deal. >> that particular trip my dad, who is just a -- he was an amazing guy. very enthusiastic, so excited to go to those olympics. that he had bought the cassette of the music for the 1984 olympics. >> jimmy: oh, that's g gat. >> which was this very synthesized version. and he played it on a loop for 12 hours. i swear to god. played it on a loop. we would fall asleep and he would turn it down. as people would wake up he'd turn it back up. turn it back d dn. so we get this in the morning. everybody's just beaten down. and we find out that, once again, don't have a lot of money. he had, for the two weeks of the olympics, he had bought -- we

had gotten four tickets to men's handball. lest i remind you, we're a six-person family. so we literally, like a savage, lawless society, we drew straws to who was going to go to men's handball. i was one of the lucky people went to men's handball. way. >> jimmy: i'm sure. >> so for the rest of the two weeks my dad was so excited to be in los angeles. in this international place. >> jimmy: two weeks, four tickets. >> four tickets. in l.a. is just so thrilled. we're living in a town of 200 peopop in oregon. so he's just thrilled that he's at this international event. and all we did was we would go to the venues. go outside of the venues and go to like different booths, international booths, around the venues. it felt like we were at the olympics. and he was so -- we started

mainly to crack each other up. we were like, so boring, we come from oregon, there's people all er the world. somebody had taught him, given m one sentence in spanish. which he didn't really learn. so it was like -- it didn't -- i'm pretty sure it doesn't make any sense. [ speaking uponish ] i don'think it means anything. >> jimmy: let me go to our judge. the lady in the corner? does that mean anything? >> guillermo: the only thing it means is british and that's it. >> yeah, british. but we walked around for two weeks at these booththoutside of the stadiums. him going -- [ speaking foreign language ] and i would go -- [ speaking foreign language ] and he would go -- [ speaking forgn language ] and we just did that for two weeks, basically. also my father was clinically insane. >> jimmy: you don't need handball when you've got stuff like that. >> no, no. >> jimmy: what is the event -- you hosted an awards show. >> yeah. >> jimmy: for a movie awards

show for children. >> yes. thanks so much for asking. it's called "kids in the spotligh" it was this saturday. i was honored to be the host for@ the cond year. it's an organization founded by this woman who's appropriately name tyjee charity. it helps kids in the foster care system, in group homes, it gives them the resources to make short films and tell their own stories. it's an amazing ththg. once a year theyeyave their own oscars. >> jimmy: right. >> so they go and you see the short films then they actually get all their awards. in addition to all the stuff about making the films, which is donated. donated time, mainly, from professionals. but donated cameras, all kinds of stuff. at the event, the limos are donated for them. they come up in limos. >> really, wow. >> professional hair and makeup people.. it's their academy awards. >> jimmy: wow, that's really nice of people to do. that's unbelievable. >> yes, tons of people give their time. >> jimmy: are there

entertainment reporters insulting their clothing on the way in? >> it's brutal. oh my god. >> jimmy: the kids go on too long with their acceptance speech do they get played off the stage? >> i do a thing at the front, i dodo really funny musical number where e make fun of all the films. [ laughter ] >> no! >> jimmy: it builds their self-esteem from the bottom. >> bottom-up. >> jimmy: it's great to see you. the show is unbelievably funny. "modern family." ty burrell, everybody. wednesday nights at 9:00 on abc. we'll be right back with lake bell! [ cheers and applause ] here's a little healthy advice. eat well, live well, and take of what makes you, you. right down to your skin with aveeno aveeno daily moisturizing lotion with the goodness of active naturals oat and 5 vital nutrients for healthier looking skin in

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jimmy ki >> jimmy: hi, there. welcome back to the show. still to come, joss stone temple pilots. our next guest is a very talented w wan. shshhas a funny new movie with simon pegg called "man up." it opens in new york and la friday - and on demand starting november 20th. please welcome lake bell! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's hard to believe that you were pregnant the last time you were here. >> i was pregnant. >> jimmy: how long ago was that?

>> i'll take that as a compliment. >> jimmy: you shou take that as compliment. >> it's been a year and some chan. >> jimmy: still, still, though. >> yeah. and you also, we both have -- >> jimmy: no, i'm a man, i am unable to. >> this is crazy. we have small humans. >> jimmy: my daughter's almost 16 months old. how old is your daughter? >> we're doing the 16-month thing. she's a year. you know, you i know if i'm going to do the multiple -- >> jimmy: you are, you have to. i'll tell you why. i had a discussion with someone about this last night. because if you say, like -- if you say she's a year and then she's really 16 months, people think, oh, she's a genius. but if you say -- if you go the other way, they're like, oh, something wrong with this kid. >> oh, okay. it's to distinguish -- okay. >> jimmy: yes. >> the milestones, okay. >> jimmy: i'm just relearning all of this stuff myself, yeah. >> so she's 12 and -- 12 months and like a couple days. >> jimmy: you can go with a year there.

>> okay. >> jimmy: yeah. the days are -- >> days, okay. >> jimmy: days you can skip. hours, minutes, whatever. those are immaterial. >> i'm just bad at math. i just got nervous that i would have to do that. >> jimmy: do you find yourself talking about the baby at all times? >> all the damn cliches are true. >> jimmy: we do that too. >> you do it. it's okay.y. >> jimmy: you can't help it. it's in your head, and you want to -- we're doing it right now and boring these people. >> i'm sorry. [ laughter ] it's incredible, though. it's like the first word thing. then you've got to show everyone. it's like the iphone becomes then just a whole -- you immediately talk to people and show them pictures. >> jimmy: yeah i do that too. i see people zoning out. especially if you play a video. >> let me show you. >> jimmy: you're a hostage to them. >> i know. >> jimmy: they're going, yeah, we know, other people have had babies before. >> yeah. not original. >> jimmy: i even was a baby at one time. >> we were all babies, guys, all of us. >> jimmy: so halloween was fun?

>> yeah, we did the halloween thing. i mean, i dress my daughter up like a strawberry. again, i think that's sort of rude. i don't know. >> jimmy: why? >> because we're just -- she doesn't -- it's not like she's, please dress me up as a strawberry, mom, please. i'm like, it's her favorite food! >> jimmy: oh, really, okay. that's why. >> why, did you do that? >> jimmy: no, we did not dress her as a strawberry. >> what did you -- what's her name? >> jimmy: her name's jane. we had three costumes for her. >> wow. daughter's name? >> nova. celestial, also a great chevy from the '70s. >> that's right. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: so we had three costumes we had to change. each time she pooped we changed her into a new one. >> yeah, parenting, right? >> jimmy: she was a monkey. >> a monkey's good. >> jimmy: and a -- sia briefly but she hated the wig. it was a disaster. and super girl as well.

>> all in a night? >> jimmy: yeah, over the course the day. you know, we went a little crazy. >> yeah, but that's what you do. >> jimmy: that's what i do. it's not what you do obviously. you're just like, let's grab a fruit and make her one. >> oh my god. we are so hippie. it's really -- i mean, we give her a wooden spoon. i'm sure someone's going to call us on it. >> jimmy: i saw your movie today. i thought it was very funny. that. >> jimmy: you were? >> yeah, very -- nobody knew. >> jimmy: a little seed. yes. >> just a little seed. i was like, physical comedy! >> jimmy: throwing up? all that stuff? >> i couldn't -- it's that weird mome where you can't tell anyone and you're feeling tremendously horrible but you still have to be hilarious. >> jimmy: you did something that i rarely see. you don't see this much. all the time we see english actors come over here and steal our accent. but you were with a group of english actors. >> yeah. >> jimmy: doing an english accent. >> here's the deal.

it was definitely on my bucket list of things to do. to play a fully realized british character. i went to drama school over there, all my formative college years there, it was important to me. if i was going to do it, especially in a world, i'm a dialect aficionado. so i vowed that when i got there, i would land in uk and speak exclusively in a british accent. because the idea was not to be like method or pretentious. though it was a little pretentious and method. but the idea was simon pegg is in the movie, he's an improviser, i wanted to improvise. but i didn't want to get caught off. i'm going to cover all my bases and i'm going to try to, you know, really master this language -- or this dialect. it feels like a language. >> jimmy: this language we call english. >> i did it through the entire -- the entire -- my whole internment of shooting this. >> jimmy: did people find that annoying?

how did that go? >> okay, so the problem was is that i committed so much to it that by the end of it -- you go through hell and back with people. you're in the trenches. you make a movie, you're like a family. at the end i wanted to sort of thank everyone from the bottom of my heart. not as this fake, this facade this british facade. but really as lake. so i got up there and i was like, this is going to be hilarious. or it's going to be sort of moving. i'll get up there, i'll come out. you know, i'll come out as my american self. and i got up there. and i was like, look, i just want to thank you so much for all the work that you've done, in a british accent. and i just want to say that -- i'm american. in an american accent. and i really -- i just -- i have been waiting to tell you guys, you know. oh, the grips over there, you guys really thought that i was british. in fact i'm not and i love you and thank you. and it was met with such

silence. and confusion. and disappointment. and betrayal. and then -- and i was like, oh, this did not land the way that i thought it would. >> jimmy: there's a weird long joke. on the other hand not one of them asked you where are you from the whole time you were there? >> i think i might have even just like laughed away from those questions. >> jimmy: i see. >> helmsworth, obviously. given how i'm speaking. >> jimmy: it's an important lesson learned. it's a great lesson for young actors as well. congratulations on the movie and the baby and all that stuff. lake bell, everybody. see the movie "man up" in l.a. and new york friday. on demand november 20th. we'll be right back with joss stone temple pilots!

>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel

>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is

presented by samsung. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank ty burrell, lake bell and apologize to matt damon. "nightline" is next. but first, here to keep our mashup monday series moving full steam ahead. with the song "interstate love ng" - joss stone tememple pilots!

waiting on a sunday afternoon for what i read between the lines your lies feeling like a hand in rusted shame so do you laugh or does it cry reply leaving on a southern train

promises of what i seemed to be only watched the time go by all of these things i said to you breathing is the hardest thing to do with all i've said and all that's dead for you you lied

train only yesterday you lied promises of what i seemed to be only watched the time go by all of these things i said to you all of the things oh yeah [ cheers and applause ] this is "nightline."