dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, albert brooks -- tony hale -- and music from kool & the gang --

and now, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: welcome. thank you. welcome to the abc television -- do we have anybody from "the bachelor" in the house tonight? it'sun to watcheople who are better looking than us. yesterday abc released the bios of the 28 women who will be competing for his love. 28 women in three different poses. now, here they are. pose number one, hands below the waist. pose number two, one hand on the hip. and the third pose, two hands on the hips. same way they made barbie dolls. they only have four pois of articulation. don't let those sorority photos fool you. these women wish each other misery and death.

bartenders, two teachers, a pair of twins. i'm not sure if they'reuilding a dating show or an arc. but the big name this year is a lauren, there's a lauren h., lauren b., another lauren b., and there's a laura. i really hope that laurara andhe four laurens make the final fifi, because the finale will be like who's on first. whenever a new bachelor harem is assembled. i like to go through their bios. this is tiara, named after the little crown they put on miss america's head. tiara's occupation is chicken enthusiast. i don't know. she runs the gravy gun at kfc? this is haley, occupation, twin. know, that's a tough job to get. because you really have to -- to get a job like that, you have to

one of haley's all-time favorite movies is, you can see, we bought a zoo. right. so she and her sister probably share a brain. identical twin sister emily is also on the show. how great would it be if ben sends one twin home, and then has to see the other one for the hometown visit. shushanna, that's not her real name. that just means you want your kid to be quiet. they're on the abc website. study them, and make your guess as to which of the 28 lucky ladies will be the one that bachelor ben almost marries, but doesn't. the most popular reality tv show in america right now is donald trump's campaign for president. you probably heard, donald trump yesterday proposed a, quote, total and complete shutdown of muslims coming into the united states. and even though today just about every repubcan candidate and even the republican national

this, he's standing by it. although he did clarify his position. he said if you're a u.s. citizen who is a muslim, and plan on leaving the country to travel, you willl be allowed to come back in. which is very generous. and nobody says thanks. by the way, that is -- there is more than 1 billion people, slims that t tmp thinks we should keep. he aware he owns a chain of hotels? bush tweeted today trump is unhinged. marco rubio said the plan is offensive and outlandish. even former vice president dick cheney said the ban goes against everything we believe in. and this is a guy who shot one of his friends. he said this is compared, donald trump, to hitler. which is -- that's a little -- for one thing, hitler had a mustache. so -- what, he didn't? last year this time, the big

picture on the cover of paper magazines. remember this picture. we made a snow blower out of it. that's your mommy. the reality star this year everyone's talking about is donald trump. let's go live now to hollywood boulevard to the donald trump snowblower for 2015. large donald head. let's fire that up. let's see what we've gotl going there. there you go. it's spewing. i like it. anyway, merry christmas, everyone. hey, i want to offer congratulations toebron james. lebron james just signed an unprecedenend lifetime endorsement deal with nike.

lifetime deal with nike ever. the only other lifetime deals for athletes, beckham and foreman for the grills. for real. some estimates put the value of this deal around $500 million. if i signed a deal for -- i would immediately quit basketball and get fat. i wouldn't care at all. i would gain 200 pounds. i wonder, like when lebron turns like 75 years old, they sell king james orthopedic shoes? from time to time, we send cameras out on the street to chat with pettedestrians about a variety of subjects. they have to sign a release. they want you to see it. they have an opportunity to say, no, but they don't. it's a very straightforward procedure. we give them a document.

this time we tried -- we decided we wanted to try their patience. so this is for your amusement what people will go through just to be on tv. >> would you like to talk to american television for a little bit? this is a standard release that lets us use your likeness on tetevision. that's your sococl security mber you just gave me. before wean put you on tv, i just have some standard legal questions. we just have to go through. being a broadcast network, all obscenities are subject to a $5 fine from the fcc. please sign here to indicate you agree to absorb the fine if you slip up. >> yeah, i absorb it. >> we can easily edit it out, but it would be easier to have you pay the fine. have you ever been convicted of theft?t? destruction offproperty? >> nope. >> lewew conduct? >> nope. >> public urination?

>> illegal animal husbandry? >> no. >> to ensure there's no recording device on your person. >> go for it. >> all right. if you would, could you rereite the letters in this caption image? what you see there? we have you write the caption so we know that you're not a box. fingerprints real quick. the right hand here. right there. okay. do you agree to provide a sample for drug intake analysis? >> yes. >> okay. that's great. go ahead and have that number seven looked at. >> okay. >> five-second le. >> what are you doing? >> super salad? >> at this time, salad.

>> yeah. >> ranch, blue cheese, thousand island or vinaigrette? >> vinaigrette. >> what is all of this for? >> you know lawyers. i understand from time to time, during the shoe, a fish may be placed on my head? you're okay withthat? i'm just going to put yes, just in case. it's part of the whole -- please take off your shoes and anything metal in your pocket6 put them in this plastic bin. >> my shoes? >> yeah. anything metal. keep your shoe in the bucket. >> okay. >> that will be fine. that just satisfies that. it's just legalese, blah, blah, blah. anything else metal? >> belly ring, i guess. >> go ahead and take that off. just throw that in there. all right. how long has it been since you took this off? >> a while. >> wow. do you agree to provide a hair sample for drug intake analysis? >> i guess.

>> i'm sorry. >> i just want to get you on television. >> i'll be fine. >> i just need to get a clipping of your hair. we're going to get your shot. if anything goes wrong, we'll just sue. do me a favor. look right into the camera and say, i watch jimmy on abc. >> i watch jimmy on abc. >> i watch jimmy on abc. >> i watch jimmy on abc. >> i watch jimmy on abc. hold on, we've got to do this first. >> is that a fish? that's a fish. >> that is a fish. the fish did not consent. we're going to take a break. when we return, we will play america's favorite holiday game show, flu shot or santa's lap. we'll be right back with that.

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>>immy: tonight on the show, kool and the gang are here, tony hale is here, and we'll be right back with albert brooks. this is a game we play every year at this time. i'll show you a picture of a screaming child's head. you guess if the child is sitting on santa's lap or getting a flu shot, okay? it's time to play santa's lap, or flu shot. we worked really hard on this title. let's begin, shall we? this kid on santa's lapr gegeing the flu shot? audience? audience says flu shot.

next up, is this kid on santa's lap? hold on. we'll go around individually and get all your votes. all right, it is santa's lap. very groovy santa. santa looks likes he could be on some rolling papers. here's another one. this is -- all right. you feel strongly this is a flu shot. and it is santa's lap. all right. our next unhappy child is -- this little boy or girl -- all ght. well, you know what, there's no way to tell. th's wt mes the game so great. and it is flu shot. yes. ooh, that one looks like it hurts.

going to go with santa, too, on that one. that looked very santa-y to me. oh, it is flu shot. okay. the desire to r re is very strong. next? oh. it's more of a stink eye she's giving. is this girl sad because of santa or the flu shot? and it is -- oh. i have seen that look from women so many times. all right. next we have this little girl. santa's lap or flu shot? flu shot you say? all right. it is -- yeah, flu shot. we have some more.

let's see what it is. it's -- oh, okay. two for one. finally, santa's lap or flu shot? flu shot the audience says. and th photograph says it is santa's lap. thanks to our viewers for sending the photos of their screaming children. this really seems to me the smart thing to do is let santa give your kids the flu shot and get it all over with. this is alarming. new york state health officials are warning that christmas trees from the northeast this year might have deer ticks in them. that's right. this christmas, kids, santa's bringing lyme disease. apparently because of the warmer weather in the region this year. no need to panic. they say if you do find ticks in your trees, you should just try to think of them tiny little ornaments that are filled with your blood. that's the bad news.

given birth to a beloved holiday character. introducing dick. hello. the christmas tick. >> i'm a sucker for christmas. >> i'm pretty sure he said sucker, ririt? he had a lisp. here's something that will make the kids smile. starting next month, "sesame street" is moving to hbo. "sesame street" has been on pbs for like 45 years, now they're going to share it with hbo. they'll get the first-run episodes and a couple months ter they'll move to pbs. how can a wholesome "sesame street" fits in withhbo, i have no idea. we took dialogue from "game of thrones" and combid that with video from jim henson's beloved muppet creatures. i think it works very well.

>> just keeping the king's peace. >> the king? >> you got money to pay for it? >> not a penny. i'll still take that chicken. >> you don't seem to understand the situation. >> i understand if any more words come pouring out of your [ bleep ] mouth, i'll kill every [ bleep ] chicken in this room. >> hey, we have a good show for you tonight. kool and the gang are here, tony hale is here, and we'll be right back with albert brooks. >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by k kl's.hey siri... hey siri... hey siri... which changes how yoget in touch. call sophie. how you get answers... penelope cruz: who was the prime minister of britain in 1868? the answer is benjamin disraeli.

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>> jimmy: tonight, from the new alvin and the chipmunks movie and veep on hbo, the very funny tony hale is with us. then later, they are soon to be inducted into the grammy hall of fame. they are too hot, too hot baby, kool and the gang from the samsung stage. tomorrow night, wanda sykes, formula one driver lewis hamilton and music from band of merrymakers. and thursday night, calista flockhart, chef adam perry lang, and music from run the jewels. so please join us for those shows. our first guest tonight is one of the funniest actors and

his films include "broadcast news" and "defending your life." he's the guy who found nemo. next, he co-stars with will smith in the football drama "concussion." it opens in theaters december 25th, please welcome academy award nominee, albert brooks! [ cheers and applausus] how are you doing? >> so, in the spirit of babe ruth -- >> jimmy: yes? >> you know, the famous story where he promised that little boy that wasasn the hospital,e would hit a home run. >> jimmy: yeah. >> tonight there is a little boy named brian who's in the hospital. >> jimmy: okay. >> who is a fan of mine.

was doing your show, and i promised him i would come on and kill. so i don't want to make the audience feel responsible. [ cheers and applause ] you don't laugh, brian is as dead as a doornail. >> jimmy: a boy's life hangs in the balance here. >> sure. but there's no responsibility. >> jimmy: how old is brian? >> brian is 6. >> jimmy: 6 years old. >> it's amazing that he knows you or me. >> jimmy: it really is. >> it seems in his sickness, he's gotten wisdom. >> jimmy: he must be a mature little boy. how are you doing? >> why do you havevehebeard? >> jimmy: why do i have the beard? >> i don't want to criticize, but what do you have, for the no-fly list? >> jimmy: i'm not sure -- >> cut the beard off.

>> jimmy what is it that you don't like about it? >> it's not -- if you were going to pitch for the baltimore orioles, you're going to have the beard. >> jimmy: you think so? >> am i right? they sound like they like the beard. >> jimmy: i kind of agree with you. but i remember when i was a kid watching david letterman and he came back from vacation from a beard, i felt betrayed kind of like. >> he felt like he was mining for ore. he comes back with a pick and a long white beard. >> jimmy: but my wife likes the beard. and halle berry was here, and she said she liked the beard. and that pretty much locked it in. [ cheers and applause ] >> but that's why you're sick. >> jimmy: you think that's why i'm sick? >> you've got a little baby's germs. >> jimmy: i'm carrying germs in my beard. you may be right. it's a little filter i created for my face. >> that's right.

it's good to see you. when were you here last time? >> i don't know, four years ago. i actually was never going to come back. >> jimmy: what? >> i'll tell you why. >> jimmy: brian's coming to life! >> because. you had a band on the show i was on, this german punkand called ramshtine. and the entire audience was their fans. and i was talking to you and glanced out, and everyone was fierce. i mean, literally like one piercing went through the whole audience. there were more tattoos than i've ever seen. i don't want to say there were swastikas, but i counted 30

back in the '30s i used to open -- >> jimmy: who did you open for? >> when i was starting out, one particularly tough night, there was a wonderful band in the '70s, sly and the family stone. [ cheers and applaus] now, for those of you that don't know who sly and the family stone, their big hit was "i want to take you higher." if you're not singing about elevators, you know -- you're dealing with enhanced substances. >> jimmy: yes. >> but not just them. their audiences were loaded to the gills. >> jimmy: great. >> so i was in seattle. washington. opening for him. he was known at the time to miss many of his shows. and i d't think it was his fault. i think he thought he was there. okay. so i swear to god, i'm in seattle. there's 3,000 people.

drug at the time were these -- they were called reds. they were sleeping pills. >> jimmy: oh, those sleeping pills. >> yeah. and reds and comedy, not a good thing. you never see anybody go, who opened the bar? was it a priest or a rabbi? it just never happens. >> jimmy: not ideal for you. >> right. i'm in seattle, and the promoter knocks on the door of the mote 30 minutes before the show, and he says, how long do you do? and i said, you know, normally maybe 20 minutes. but this is a scary crowd. i don't think i can go that long. he said, what's the longest you can do? and i said, why? he said, sly called. he's in ohio. i swear to god. i said, wait, is that another motel nearby?

i wasn't great at geography, but isn't that 2,200 miles from here? so sly missed the plane. or he sat in something and thought it was a plane. and i went out there, and they -- i swear to god, jimmy, i got hit by a beer bottle the first 15 seconds. it cut my leg. and i'm yelling to these people, i'm going to leave! but he's not here anyway! and i'm going to go on television and tell everybody how horrible a place seattle is! 3,000 people on reds would go, oh, wait, we didn't know that. okay, we'll be good. >> jimmy: did you open for other bands, too? >> i opened for richie -- mostly for -- when i did that, i opened for neil diamond for a year. >> jimmy: was that better? >> once in a while you'll get a drunk guy. "kentucky woman "! but they were pretty good.

the neil diamond crowd? >> i don't think so. >> jimmy: did you do drugs back then? were you a drug guy? >> no, i sort of like didn't like to get out of control. >> jimmy: i see. what about now? >> well, i'll tell you one thing that's fun. by the way, i am not suggesting anybody ever take a drug of any kind. but let me tell you something that's really fun. i call it amazon ambien. here's what you do. you take a half an ambien, and you order late at night, like 20 little things on amazon to yourself. and you have them gift wrapped. now, amazon is doing something interesting. they have the very fastest shipping, which it always says, now! i don't want it now. i ordered toothpaste and i'm waiting for someone to throw it in the wind. i can wait two days. now!

willing to wait, they'll give you a free book. so you check two weeks. and then in two weeks, this present comes. and it's like the greatest -- look at this! what is it? a vibrator for a dog? >> jimmy: albert brooks is here. we'll be right back. so sorry we have no more room at the grown-up table. get on down. there's two chairs right there.

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tt2w`t+o m$: bt@qe"x tt2w`t+o m$: "a@qu.< tt2w`t+o m$: bm@q^%0 tt4w`t+o m$:" dztq +uh tt4w`t+o m$:" entq [q( tt4w`t+o m$:" gzt& bvp tt4w`t+o m$:" hnt& rx< tt4w`t+o m$:" iztq 81d tt4w`t+o m$:" jntq *a$ tt4w`t+o m$:" lzt& 2,x >> jimmy: albert brooks! the new movie -- >> thank you for being nicer than ramshtine. now i'll come back. >> jimmy: not one swastika in the crowd. all right, one swastika in the crowd. i saw your movie "concussion." i thought it was very good. it's about concussions. no mystery there. >> it's actually about will smith plays this real-live person, amolu, literally discovered cte, chronic traumatic encephalopathy that these football players get years after banging heads. no one knew it existed. in the old days, you would be warned against football for reasons like, you don't want to

talked about the brain. so this guy, against everyone wanting him to do this -- >> jimmy: there was a lot of opposition to it. which is really insane when you evaluate it, when you think about it. >> not really. >> jimmy: from human level, maybe not from a corporate level, but it does seem it's so wrong. >> these dangerous things must have been going on from the beginning. imagine gladiators, people probably had to say, jimmy, you're going to die. let me go out there anyway, the king is here. >> jimmy: they didn't have the agents and lawyers. >> i play dr. cyril wecht, who was a person that was the head coroner of allegheny county in pittsburgh. and he hired bennett amolu, and he encouraged him to basically -- this disease was not discoverable until an

and they didn't want to -- the first famous football player that died early was pittsburgh steeler named mike webster. and he came through the coroner's office, and they said, just bury him. you know, it's just an accident. and it started with him. because then amolu didn't think that a 38-year-old guy that had pulled all of his teeth out and reglued them with superglue was a normal thing. >> jimmy: it isn't a normal thing. >> no,o it's a real thing. >> jimmy: has the nfl in any way -- >> oh, they're thrilled. >> jimmy: because i noticed that you do use real footage from games -- >> i know. it was amazing. peter, the writer/director, was able to do that, because it's a real story, so it's not fictitious. if it's about a news story, you're allowed to do that. >> jimmy: oh, i see, that's why. >> yeah. >> jimmy: there are commercials for the movie during the games, which is --

>> jimmy: that is very wild. we have a clip here. and you'd like to set this up? >> yes. this is just will smith plays this doctor, is the point of the movie where, you know, he's from nigeria. he thought he would be an american hero. he thought that the nfl would, like, embrace him, and the opposite is happening. they're threatening him with fraud, and jail, and deportation. trump loved the movie. [ cheers and applause ] so he's just really confused and doesn't know what's going on. and he's saying that to my character. and i'm explaining to him a little bit of how it really is. >> here it is. the movie's called "concussion." >> why are they doing this? >> they're terrified of you. bennett is going to war with a

people on a weekly basis craving their product. the same way they crave food. the nfl owns a day of the week. the same day the church used to own. now it's theirs. >> jimmy: that's albert brooks! "concussion" opens in theaters december 25th. we'll be right back with tony hale! [ cheers and applause ] this is a body of proof. proof of less joint pain. and clearer skin. this is my body of proof that i can fight psoriatic arthritis with humira. humira works by targeting and helping to block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to both joint and skin symptoms. it's proven to help relieve pain, stop further joint damage and clear skin in many adults. doctors have been prescribing humira for 10 years. mira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis.

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>> jimmy: our next guest is a very funny man with a pair of shiny emmys to prove it. you know him from "arrested development" and "veep," and now your kids will too. "alvin and the chipmunks: the road chip" opens december 18th, please say hello to tony hale! [ cheers and applause ] how are you doing? very good to see you. >> good. i'm good. this is a weird coincidence.

the hospital. >> jimmy: you do? how old is he? >> he's aut 14. and i promised i would be funnier than albert brooks. >> jimmy: you did? [ cheers and applause ] >> so it's up to you. >> jimmy: well, i'm sorry, but i think your friend is going to die. >> this is not good. >> jimmy: since the last time i saw you, you won another emmy. >> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. it was an awesome, awesome night. >> jimmy: the second time is nowhere near as good as the first one, right? >> of course it is. if you get used to it, someone needs to pop you upside the head. >> jimmy: do you have someone to do that? >> to pop me? my wife does that. >> jimmy: are you going to work on a new season of "veep" yet? for those of you who haven't seen the show, it's a fairly broad political satire about

>> yeah, yeah. she's in a position she should never be in, the president. what i love about it is, you know, a lot of people in d.c., actually, like it. because i think it shows a more of the behind the scenes picture of what might be going on. >> jimmy: is it representing any kind of -- it terrifies me to think that those things actually are happening in washington, d.c. >> you know, these people are in such pressure cookers for stress, because of the decisions they have to make. and you know they go behind the scenes and say, i don't know what to do. and freak out and scream at each other. so we show that. we don't see that in the media. >> jimmy: your character is actually a maniac. >> yeah. >> jimmy: like a true lunatic -- you're a body man. >> clearly. yeah, i play a guy who carries her bag, and everything she needs, i have it in the bag.

and very disturbing co-dependent relationship with her. a lot of mom issues going on. but it's really -- >> jimmy: have you heard from the body man community in washington, d.c.? >> there's a whole conference. no, we -- i actually did this panel with reggie love, who was obama's body man. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, right. >> they just wanted to hear the contrast. and we had -- my character and him had nothing in common. the only thing we had in common is we both carried a bag, that was it. >> jimmy: what's in his bag? did he tell you? >> he had smart stuff. like her speech and all this kind of stuff. and i have her lipstick. you know, all that kind of stuff. >> jimmy: you did a great job. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: the alvin and the chipmunks movie. thank god they did a sequel, because they left us hanging. >> thank god! what's going to happen to the chipmunks? >> jimmy: you're working with real animals in the show.

they're a fake. but -- what if some kid out there is like, what? >> jimmy: he should be asleep right now. >> no, but there was some scenes where there's live animals. i've got really bad allergies. >> jimmy: oh, great. >> so i just doped up with all this allergy medicine. we were doing these scenes with all these live animals. i don't know if you ever worked with live animals. >> jimmy: when they're on the show, i hate it, because i'm scared of them. >> it makes me a little nervous. it's funny, there's one time this monkey had to jump on my shoulder. and i had like a moment with monkey roles with like, are we good? you had in the back of your head, are you going to eat my face? because you really don't know at's going to happen. >> jimmy: they think eyeballs are grapes, monkeys. they do not hesitate. >> in the back of your head, you're thinking, you're going to do something and surprise me. >> jimmy: and i don't trust the handlers who always tell you, don't worry, this and that.

because what's going to -- >> they're animals. >> jimmy: they're animals. they don't care about the handlers. and every once in a while, if anything, they want to strike back. >> thank you. use me as the target. >> jimmy: it's a good thing we didn't have the conversation before the movie, or you wouldn't be in it. what about the chipmunks? they seem difficult. >> they are. >> jimmy: has your daughter seen the movie yet? >> because of the stuff i do, "veep" has some language. so this is the first thing she can actually see. i get a little nervous, because my daughter is a bit of a critic. >> jimmy: really? how old is she? >> she's 9 1/2. >> jimmy: okay. >> i recently did this little funny short with my friends. i was showing it to her. and i said, hey, what did you think, sweetie? she said, ah, you're trying too hard. i'm like, i'm sorry? i just sort of blacked out. what's going on? >> jimmy: you're being bullied by your own child.

>> jimmy: i'm glad the animals didn't kill you. and sorry about your troubles at home. it's very good to see you. tony hale, everybody! "alvin and the chipmunks, the road chip" opens in theaters december 18th. and we shall return with music from kool and the gang. >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live

samsung. >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: i want to thank all my guests and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next. but first, they just got their star on the hollywood walk of fame celebrating their 50th anniversary as a band, here are "jungle boogie" and "get down with it," kool and the gang! get down get down get down get down get down get down get down get down get down get down get down get down get down get down

ahh jungle boogie jungle boogie get it on jungle boogie jungle boogie get it on jungle boogie get up jungle boogie get down jungle boogie jungle boogie

get it up with the get down jungle boogie jungle boogie jungle boogie jungle boogie get it up with the get down jungle boogie get down on it get down on it get down on it get down on it come on and get down on it get down on it get down on it get down on it how you gonna do it if you really don't wannna dance by standing on the wall get your back up off the wall

how you gonna do it if you really don't wanna dance by standing on the wall get your back up off the wall 'cause i heard all the people sayin' get down on it come on and get down on it if you really want it get down on it you gotta feel it get down on get down on it get down on it come on and get down on it baby baby get down on it get down on it get down on it i say people what what you gonna do you've gotta get on the groove if you want your

get down on it get down on it get down on it get down on it