>> no. or if they did, shame ow. ( laughter ) i'm calling them out, which i shouldn't do, because they've done a great job with the show. don't cancel it. >> stephen: is there any moment you were like, gob, i wish they would keep us from saying this? someone should stop me from doing this joke? >> yeah, this year in the jacuzzi sex joke, i got pretty naked, the and that-- that's the first time i was like, "oh, somebody stop this. somebody come in and get me out of this one." >> stephen: yeah, yeah. i find the fewer clothes i have on, the less erotic it gets. >> without a doubt. >> stephen: the older i get the more that's the case. let's keep this sexy. let's put a parka on me. ( laughter ) can i ask you a question about another project that you did that i really enjoyed. >> please. >> stephen: because i'm also a big began of guillermo el toro. "pacific rim." you were one of the tech guys guys in "pacific rim." >> that's right.

about the yagers, the big robots that fight-- >> right. giant robots that we built to punch the monsters in the face. >> stephen: let's talk about this. drift with me, charlie. >> all right. >> stephen: let's do this for a second. why, if you can build robots that are the size of cities, okay, but you're fighting monsters, also the size of cities, why not make your robots bigger than the monsters and have them fight the monsters in ways other than punching them? >> that's a good point. >> stephen: give them a weapon or something like that. >> a big can of bug spray. >> stephen: a sharp be would be nice air, broken bottle would be fun. >> don't have the fix for that one. i did not write the movie. >> stephen: but there's going to be a "pacific rism 2" right? >> come on. >> stephen: there is. either. >> they did not tell me na. >> stephen: you're in the next movie. >> i think the movie only made, like, $400 million. nowadays they're like, "well, that's okay." so we'll see.

rest of season 11. good luck with season 12, and good luck with "pacific rim 2." and good luck with the crack addiction. >> working on it. >> stephen: charlie day, thanks so much. "it's always sunny in philadelphia" is on fxx, wednesdays at 10 p.m. "it's always sunny in philadelphia" is on fxx, we'll be right back. s all-new flavorfilled pastas, with raviolis so nice we filled them twice.

like chicken marsala ravioli, or smoked mozzarella manicotti. plus unlimited salad and breadsticks. starting at $12.99. for a limited time. at olive garden. the more you move the more you sweat degree's motionsense technology keeps you fresh with every move. it has unique microcapsules that contain fragrances. friction breaks the capsules... ...releasing bursts of freshness all day. whether you're meeting a deadline... ...grabbing a bite... ...or heading out for the night. motionsense, protection to keep you moving. degree, it won't let you down. cottonelle cleanripple texture gets you cleaner, but will it get people clean enough to go commando? did you just wipe your bum? well, i sure did. did you notice anything about the texture? it's very...functionally efficient. this is the equivalent of your muscles. it just gets a hold of everything. yeah. nothing's left behind. nothing. are you clean enough to go commando? (laughs)

totally. okay okay how do you feel? oh my goodness, it's amazing. only cottonelle has cleanripple texture so you're clean enough

,,,,,,,, ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back! you folks at home missed some mad penny whistle just now. we are rapidly-- yeah. ( cheers and applause ) we are rapidly approaching the

super bowl. it combines the family togetherness of thanksgiving with the public drunkenness of every other holiday. now, we don't know exactly which teams are going to be in the big game yet. my money's on football teams. but we do know who the star of superbowl 50 will be. i'll give you a hint. he's got two thumbs and is me. because right after the game, i will be hosting a special live "late show." and i cannot be more honored to coma. off my pre-post-super bowl coverage: this is... the road to the supershow: countdown to the lead-up to the postgame preview: late show lix-vii! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's what's been missing right there. boom!

lix-vii, is because that's the night of super bowl l, but it's my 67th show, and i believe that's how you pronounce the roman niewm ralz over there, licks vee. though, come to think of it, i'm not sure i can say licks vee on cbs. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) quick disclaimer, a quick kiss claimer: i don't know a lot about football, but i did play one day on my high school team-- that's the desperado right there. it's going to get better! it's going to get better! and i got some valuable insights into the game. for instance, when you're in the huddle, do not mention "dungeons and dragons." but these days i'm all over the nfl. my highly promotable face was plastered all promos from cbs games over the games this weekend. now, usually, if you see yourself that often during a football game, you're either something new that's been

clear your name on "60 minutes." i'm saving that one for sweeps. and using my newfound status, i want to address a controversy from this weekend's game between the arizona cardinals and the green bay packers. you guys watch? >> yeah! >> stephen: many people did. the game went into overtime, and there was major controversy over the coin flip. look. there it goes up, and comes down, somehow landing and never flipping over once! i don't even know how you do that. 300 years ago that ref would've been burned at the stake as a witch. so he picked up the coin, flipped it again. sadly, the coin landed on heads both times and had to be carted off on a tiny stretcher. ( laughter ) -- sad. now, the ref didn't have to re-flip. as an n.f.l. spokesman said, "there is nothing in the rulebook that specifies a

there's also nothing that says the ref couldn't pull the coin from behind the quarterback's ear. ( cheers and applause ) what's this, aaron rodgers? the cardinals won the toss both times and clinched the game on their first possession. and the packers are not happy. >> cleat had it on heads, it was showing heads, so i called tails. and it didn't flip. it just tossed up in the air and did not turn over at all. it landed on the ground. so we obviously thought that was not right. he picked the coin up and flipped it to tails, and then he flipped it without giving me a chance to make a re-call there. but... it was confusing. >> stephen: it was confusing. it was confusing. coin tosses aren't supposed to be some random act you can't predict. if you've done your conditioning and have your playbook

coin toss. he's clearly got a strategy. did you catch what it was? clearly, he always calls the side of the coin that's not facing up. if you do that, you're gonna win that's 50/50 odds. not bad. but it's a problem. so to avoid this unbelievable confusion, i would like to propose some alternative ways to decide who gets the ball they think are much fairer. how about spin the bottle? whoever it points at gets possession, but he still has to kiss the ref... tongue. ( laughter ) i believe that's what licks vee means. ( laughter ) ( applause ) how about this? what if each team guesses how much a tube of crest toothpaste costs, and whoever is closest without going over gets the ball and a chance to bid on the

( laughter ) or we can ask each team captain to write a 500 word essay on why their team deserves to have the ball first. remember to list your extracurriculars, guys, like being the captain on a professional sports team. it's impressive. or how about a groundhog? why are we using this amazing predictive creature only once a year? the visiting team can call "shadow, or no shadow." then they are forced to replay the game over and over and over again until andi mcdowell falls in love with them. or even better yet, take a page from king solomon. have the ref suggest the only fair solution is to cut the football in half. the other team have it," is revealed to be the true mother of the football. we'll be right back with colin hanks. that's a big bull.

1800 pounds of do whatever the heck i want. take the long way, huh? thank you cyrus. lease a 2016 lincoln mkc for $289 a month only at your lincoln dealer. boom. told ya. hey know it alls, you're welcome. now that t-mobile has double the lte coverage you can prove you're right to more people in more places. faulty fuel injector you showed him huh, still alive. told you nailed it! you're wrong, it's that way. ha, ha, ha t-mobile's new extended range lte reaches twice as far, and is 4 times better in buildings. now you can know it all,

aflac. ohh ah ah aflac! aaaaf-lac! ta-daa! he's not a very good magician. he paid my claim in just one day. one day?! shh! how does he do it? t in just one day, p we process, approve and pay. p

,,,,,,,, ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. you know my next guest from his work on "dexter," "fargo," and now he stars in "life in pieces." >> now what pressure do you prefer? >> a lot of pressure, lot of

you know, dress me like a salad. beat me like an egg. >> oh, and when i start crying, don't acknowledge tall right? i'll stop eventually. thanks. >> okay. >> aahhh. i love you, honey. >> i love you, too. ( car crashing ) ( screams ). >> that did not sound good. >> that sounded really, really bad. >> shhh! i'm sure it was just a little fender bender. >> should we do something? >> i feel like we should go out there and make sure everybody is okay. >> people just need to get used to the new stop sign. >> stephen: please welcome colin

( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. like your digs, sir. >> stephen: isn't it nice? >> loobz good. >> stephen: we fix ited up. >> looks good. stained glass and everything. not too shabby. >> stephen: not too shabby yourself. congratulations on "life in pieces." >> i feel like we're brother you now in the columbia broadcasting system. >> stephen: we are coworkers now. >> yeah. >> stephen: and any touching i do of you has to be welcome. i read the handbook. ( laughter ). >> stephen: so if i even go, "hey, how you feeling, you seem tense," let me know if that's welcome. >> okay, okay. >> stephen: tell me about "life in pieces." how many broke girls are on it? >> i'm very fortunate in that i'm surrounded by incredibly talented people on that show, zoe lister jones, who plays my wife, who you saw in the clip.

>> i have to tell you, one of my favorite things about the show is i have an enormous crush on diane weist. >> that will hopefully continue. >> stephen: yeah, no, no. she's so charming. i love diane weist. >> she's an absolute sweetie. anything she asks, you just want to go, "yes." oh, is this okay? >> stephen: >> stephen: this is perfectly fine. you're in character now. >> i'm in character. >> stephen: as with diane weist, it's very welcome. you're a new dad in "life in pieces." but you're also the dad of young kids. have any actual stories of your life ended up on the show? >> yeah. >> stephen: have you used that experience? >> yes, in the pilot episode, we-- we-- prior to the pilot,un, pilots are very specific things. they're gone through with a fine-toothed comb because it's got to be perfect because that's going to be the-- you know, people are going to judge that one episode and say, "do we want

our case "2,000 more episodes?" we had a meeting in which we were talking about the unique nature of the show because it's four short stories, and each one focuses on different members of this multigenerational family. so it's sort of small, little moments from everyone's lives, that then paint a greater picture of what family life is like. it's actually very sweet and very funny. and i had told this story about when i took my firstborn daughter, with my wife, home from the hospital. and we basically cried the entire way home. they were -- >> with joy? >> with joy. i always-- i always have to preface with nothing but utter joy. just crying tears of just, "i'm so happy!" and i told that story the very next day, there were revisions sent to me with that written in. and i'm look, okay, but we're never going to shoot that. we shot it. >> stephen: did you tell your wife that you had shared this story? >> i did.

telling them these stories." because they ended up putting it in the pilot. >> stephen: i'll tell you what my wife looked like when she was having the baby, okay. she had her feet nupt stir ups-- stories. >> i lnders very quickly i have story. reaction? i had this reaction when they gave us our baby, my first child, i could not understand why we were allowed to leave ( laughter ). >> well, that's the great thing. they really-- there's no real class. they don't -- >> no! >> they don't check to make sure you're prepared. like, they'll -- >> and it's 24 hours later, and there's the door, buddy. >> absolutely, absolutely. >> stephen: don't let the door hit you with the baby split you. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> i had to go through more training to drive the car home than i did to have the baby for the rest of my life. >> stephen: now, but you play a dad, and you've got a little

do you ever go like, "the baby is dirty. i have to change her." do you mistake-- >> no, because when it's not your baby, you do not care. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you do not care. >> stephen: that's so true. that's so true. what is-- what is that small, dirty thing on the floor over there? >> don't care. >> stephen: it's not my child. >> oh, this baby is crying. here, take it. >> stephen: you also make documentaries. >> i do. >> stephen: you have a new documentary coming out. it's being released today. >> it came out on itunes. it's called "all things must pass." it's about the rise and fall of tower records. >> stephen: tower records was such a huge thing when i was younger. i understand you applied for a job at tower records. >> twice. i applied twice. both times i scwd for an application, and i guy said to me ( size ) "another look, i can give this to you. and you could fill it out. but i'm just gonna put it on the bottom of a stack this thick, and we're not even hiring.

knock yourself out." two different people told me that. ( laughter ) at two different locations. >> stephen: so is the documentary revenge? because they're gone now. they're gone. they're on the dust bin of history. and here you are, still ridein 'high. >> if only they had hired him, their story would have turned out differently. >> stephen: this is not your first documentary. you also did one about the san francisco giants. >> yes. >> stephen: had a-- had a-- >> they had a mascot. >> stephen: a mascot that was an anti-mascot. >> yes. >> stephen: what's the name of this documentary of yours? >> "the anti-mascot." ( laughter ) the san francisco giants, in 1984, they had a really -- >> you're not going to tell me the title of the documentary? >> no, it's called "the anti-mascot." >> stephen: you're kidding! >> no. >> stephen: i pulled that sphrailt from where the sun don't shine. i had no idea. >> it's "the anti-mascot."

team they created a commercial that was designed-- it was a fake poll in which the san francisco sports fans said they did not want a mascot, so they gave them one anyways, and it was called "the crazy crab." and it only lasted for one season. he would run out on to the field, and people would throw stuff at him and boo him. ( laughter ) and as the season progressed, he had to run out farther and farther into the field. >> stephen: was the guy's head sticking out of this crab? >> no, it was fully covered. they had to reinforce it with, like, plastic, because he was getting pelted so bad. >> stephen: they actually had to give him a hard carapus. >> yeah it was a 30 for 30 short on espn, called "the anti-mascot." >> stephen: perfect title. >> it tells you everything you need to know. >> stephen: i don't have to watch owt now. thank you for being here. >> thank you for having me.

colin hanks, everybody! we'll be right back. ( applause ) all right everybody, if this doesn't get your toes tappin',

yeah, i'm married. does it matter? you'd do that for me? really? yeah i'd like that. who are you talking to? uh, it's jake from state farm. sounds like a really good deal. in the morning? it's jake from state farm. what are you wearing jake from state farm? uh, khakis. she sounds hideous. another reason more people stay with state farm. get to a better state. if you're trying to be a little better... things just got a whole lot better. introducing entrees loaded with flavor, not calories. applebee's grill & bar favorites made a little better for you. featuring new dishes, all under 650 calories

,, with 40 megs of internet speed from centurylink, a family of four can all be online at the same time, streaming, gaming,

yeah, the internet's great, but i think hair and makeup went a little too far. yeah, that's not working. i much prefer the two-day beard, horn-rimmed glasses, just-slept-in-his-car kinda thing. yeah, i miss the rumpled crazy uncle look. okay. be "paul giamatti." that's the essence of this role. feel like a hollywood insider with high-speed internet from centurylink. thanks to the firstbank and apple pay, i can easily buy stuff using my phone. thanks to my driverless car, i can't figure out how to change this song. apple pay, now at firstbank.

[ male announcer ] digiorno? or delivery? digiorno? or delivery? taste for yourself why the shortest distance between you and a delicious, fresh-baked pizza, is your oven. thankfully, it's not delivery. it's digiorno. bud light's been there. connecting one amazing super bowl moment to the next. and for this super bowl, we're charging our game forward for all fans. introducing the limited edition bud light super bowl 50

,,,,

making her network tv debut. here to sing "hurtin' on the bottle," please welcome margo price! i put a hurtin on the bottle now i'm blind enough to see been drinkin whiskey like it's water but that don't touch the pain you put on me i was vearing for the white line of the shoulder faded lights cast upon the wall i know that we've been getting older but you're never too old to learn to crawl i put a hurtin on the bottle now i'm blind enough to see

water but that don't touch the pain you put on me i met you with your thumb out in the alley no one ever comes round here no more been looking for a peak inside the valley been searchin for a key outside your door i put a hurtin on the bottle now i'm blind enough to see been drinkin whiskey like it's water but that don't touch

i've been ridin high on low expectations it's like singin loud with no one left to hear i've been drinkin from a well of inspiration but it's all fallen on these wasted ears i put a hurtin on the bottle baby now i'm blind enough to see been drinkin whiskey like it's water but that don't touch the pain you put on me

baby now i'm blind enough to see been drinkin whiskey like it's water but that don't touch the pain you put on me been drinkin whiskey like it's water but that don't touch the pain you put on me ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: margo price's debut album, "midwest farmer's daughter," is out march 25! margo price, everybody!

,,,,,, since 1961, pearle vision has provided the neighborhood with expert eye care. that was dr. stanley pearle's vision and we still proudly carry on his legacy. today, doctors like lisa hamilton perform eye exams that can help detect diabetes. because we care for you... and your eyes. this is genuine eye care, in your neighborhood.

"late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be james spader. jets wide receiver brandon marshall. "serial" podcast host, sarah koenig. and i'll be cooking with rev run. now stick around for james corden. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs >> reggie: are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout your hang-ups and fears

it's the late, late show (cheers and applause) >> ladies and gentlemen, all the way from, give it up for your host the one the only james corden! (cheers and applause) welcome to this your "the late late show with james corden"! thank you! (cheers and applause) thanks for coming out. i really appreciate it. ladies and gentlemen, there was another democratic debate over the weekend. the candidates discussed

but, of course, the media issue: bernie sanders gives a mean stink-eye. (laughter) >> accusing sanders of dissing president obama. disappointing -- >> he phot the evil eye, side eye, the stink eye (applause) >> james: when i'm seeing the coverage of a debate, i want to see head lines like "bernie sanders offers fix for education system." not "bernie sanders wins twitter by throwing epic shade." fun fact: bernie makes that same face when the waiter at canter's deli brings him the wrong soup. (laughter) "i said minestrone!" this debate seemed more hostile than the others, as the candidates desperately vie to

but there's one guy who's definitely not interested in being president of the united states, and that's the president of the united states, barack obama, who, i don't know if you've noticed, seems to have just watch how he ended a recent press conference. >> 20 years, probably, before we reverse some of these major trends. okay, everybody, i've got to get to "star wars." (cheers and applause) >> james: it's like obama has if you want proof of this, he's started signing every bill in congress with: "have a great summer. stay cool. barack." (laughter) speaking of staying cool, last week, obama did an interview on youtube where the biggest debate was who would win in a rap battle between kendrick lamar

he said kendrick lamar. that's not a question for the president, that's like a question you ask the guy who sells you weed just to make the whole transaction seem less weird. i'm trying to look at the faces of the people who thought that was funny. (laughter) this guy right here is, where are we? it's not even late. we tape it now, it goes out later. (laughter) remember when obama appeared on the nbc reality show "running wild" with survivalist bear grylls? this had to be the first time a u.s. president ever appeared on tv with a man who regularly drinks his own urine. (laughter) people were shocked that during the show, obama actually ate fish that had been gnawed on by a bear. that's nothing. chris christie once ate half a ham straight out of a dumpster.

i'm joking. he didn't. it was a whole ham. (laughter) obama even appeared on jerry seinfeld's show, "comedians in cars getting coffee." how about less "comedians in cars getting coffee" and more "presidents in the white house getting legislation passed through both houses of congress." (cheers and applause) with all these tv appearances, obama could be nominated for an emmy. he really could. not an oscar of course: movie. also, you have to be white. (laughter) tonight? in the red room, she's a brilliant actor, musician and best-selling author you know from "portlandia," "transparent" and her band, sleater kinney: the lovely carrie brownstein!

(cheers and applause) hi, carrie, how are you? >> hi, going to give a urine sample. >> james: okay. they said they're coming back to get this? >> james: yeah, we drug test all the guests. we like to do it. it's a cbs thing more than a "the late late show" thing, really. >> i don't want to be stand hearing holding it, so -- >> james: someone will come get it immediately. there it is. take that off. we don't actually use it for you. we know you haven't been smoking weed. we actually use it for band. >> oh, okay. >> james: just for their healthcare. that's the thing. carrie brownstein, everybody! (cheers and applause) >> james: in the blue room, she's an emmy-winning actress you know from "glee," "best in show," and "the 40-year-old virgin," the wildly funny jane lynch! (cheers and applause) jane, how are you? >> i'm good. how are you, james? >> james: very, very well. nice to see you.

i didn't urine sample. >> james: that's all right. we know you're either clean or it's going to be so off the charts we don't even quantity to know. which one? >> very, very clean. very, very clean. >> james: nobody believes you! jane lynch, everybody! >> james: in the orange room, he's a talented actor, writer and director you know from films like "black mass," "zero dark thirty," and "the great gatsby". the very handsome, joel edgerton! (cheers and applause) how are you, joel? >> good. i'm drinking my urine sample. >> james: why not, man? i thought it was apple juice. >> james: bear grylls swears by it, why wouldn't you? >> i'll get what i'm given. >> james: mr. joel edgerton! (cheers and applause) reggie, are you ready? he's reggie watts, i'm james corden and this, this is "the late late show."

captioning sponsored by cbs the late, late show, oh, oh the late, late show, ooh the late, late show, oh, oh the late, late show oh, oh the late, late show (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) thanks for being here! we had a fun weekend, didn't we, reg? we socialized this weekend. >> we got super sosh. >> james: we went to the critics choice awards. we were nominated. we didn't win but we have been told we definitely came in second. (laughter) that was great. i said, they can't release that publicly but everybody was, like, honestly, trust us, you came second. it was a fun night, right, reg? >> it was cool. i was a little worried about it

like yourself, so it was fine (laughter) >> james: it's a televised award show, and it very clearly states black tie. black tie affair. >> yeah. >> james: so, you know, i've got my best tux out and said to reg, why don't you come to my house, and we'll go together. so i went producer, he's in a tux. he went full bond. reggie chose this look for the event. (laughter) (applause) i said, regie, it's black tie. he said, i don't own any jackets. i said, you wear one every night. >> it's not mine, though. >> james: and then i said to ben, oh, if i had known, i don't

ben said, but if you wore that you'd look terrible. it was a fun night. when should we next? >> maybe two weeks from now? >> james: done. now, once again, i stayed up all night watching videos on youtube and learning new things. it was totally worth it because now i get to share those things with you. this is "tonight, i learned"! (cheers and applause) (band playing) okay, tonight i learned the war on drugs is no laughing matter. >> behind me is 8 and a half pound of heroin, hasheesh, narcotics. (laughter) (applause) whoo-hoo!

follow-up segment live from rehab. i learned never to take my dad to the skate park. (laughter) there is some things you shouldn't attempt over the age of, like, 15. and i count rollerblading in that. imagine going to work and them saying, oh, my god, what happened to your legs? i was rollerblading down -- 47-year-old divorceee, i don't know what you're doing. i don't know if me's divorced. a disclaimer. i don't know how this works. finally -- i really don't know how it works. (laughter) finally, tonight i learned it's likely hard to look cute on a

(audience reacts) >> james: could be worse -- she could have gotten her hair wet. (laughter) stick around, we'll be right back. (cheers and applause) you may think it's a result of brushing too hard. it's not. it's a sign of early gum disease which you can help reverse by using listerine added to your brushing routine listerine kills up to 99.9% of germs and helps reverse early gum

listerine power to your mouth also try listerine floss. it's advanced technology removes more plaque. huh.

a brand new multivitamin you enjoy like a mint. with a full spectrum of essential nutrients... surprisingly smooth, refreshingly cool. i see you found the vitamints. new centrum vitamints. a delicious new way to get your

(cheers and applause) >> james: i still can't get over this video from last week. jeb bush discovered a new function on his apple watch in the middle of a big meeting. take a look. (laughter) >> my watch can't be talking. is it my watch? >> yes. i'll call you back. that's the coolest thing in the world. >> james: it's easy to miss the fact that you can also use it as a phone when there are so many other uses for the apple watch. there are even hidden features that only i know about. (laughter) like this one.

but i could never get it down. luckily, you just open the "beatbox" app on the apple watch and make the movements and the apple watch does the hard work. let me just set it here and you go, look -- and it's great, right? (applause) no, but... it's amazing. but you've got to be careful. be careful if you're about to sneeze and you've got it set because you saw it go -- and you do the -- (breathing hard, sneezing) (laughter) now, this app is called "world's best pianist," and honestly i actually downloaded it for the

(laughter) turns out, it's for piano. but that's cool, too. it is supposed to make you the best pianist in the world. you can see why i did it in the middle of the night. i missed it. best pianist in the world, i'll download that right now! anyway, it's incredible and turns you into the best pianist in the world. let me just bring it up on the phone. you just go -- (piano playing) (laughter) >> james: that doesn't sound like the best pianist in the world. that just sounds like someone playing piano. i thought it should be more -- ah! there you go! and then it just stops!

(laughter) (cheers and applause) now, look. you're all very cool people. your very being here means you are all cool. (cheers and applause) sometimes it takes other people to get the meme o. when you need the world to know how cool you are, use the jazz app. what's cooler than jazz? don't tweet the answers to that. you can open it and all you need is a pen or a pencil. just set it on here and go like this -- (jazz music) that's it --

it works anytime. you can wait at home for if you're waiting for your partner to come back and you want tonight to be -- you know, that night -- (laughter) sex, sex, my mom says it like that. he said to me, james, are you having sex with her? are you having sex? just tell me honest. just make sure if you are having sex that you are using a condom. if you're having sex, use a condom. i'm saying, mom, what's going on with your voice? i wish i had gone, yeah, mom, i totally am. (jazz playing) (cheers and applause) now -- i wasn't. (laughter) i wish. now, this is great -- she left me for jason middleton. doesn't matter.

i'm over it. now, this is a great one for anyone to go out to eat at anytime, you know at the end of the meal it's awful when you're trying to get the waiter's attention a and you're doing that thing. can we get the -- sorry. now it's fine because with the check please yap, you just need a flick of the wrist and go, check please! everyone knows. check please! also great of getting out of anything at work like when nancy at work is going on about her juice cleanse and what it's doing to her bowels you just -- >> james: or when you get invited to a nude spa with your wife's dad -- or you find out your girlfriend is seeing jason middleton -- check please! but also cool when you use them altogether like -- check please!

(laughter) (applause) i wonder if it works without it even on. it does! it does! give them a hand, everybody! (applause) >> james: we'll be right back with jane lynch, carrie brownstein and joel edgerton.