and personally, i just can't wait to see how chris rock handles it as the host of the oscars. that's what i'm looking forward to. ( applause ) >> stephen: now, the show is called "black-ish." >> "black-ish." >> stephen: you can explain that title to me? is there a difference in being black and being blackish? that's a level of nuance i'm not entirely sure of. >> as the white man in this situation, steve -- >> i'm the white man in almost every situation. >> in every situation. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: yes, what i talk about diversity, i realize it is the pot calling the kettle white. >> it's like, you're in the position of authority. so i don't know. you tell me. >> stephen: am i in a position of authority? >> absolutely. >> stephen: because i'm sitting at this desk. >> indeed! >> stephen: well, here's the thing. i like the show. i don't think i'm black. is there a chance i'm blackish? >> definitely. >> stephen: really! >> definitely. look at your band. look at your band. >> stephen: really?

>> your band makes you blackish. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you, jon. thank you, jon. i didn't realize-- i didn't realize you could get a contact black. >> truly! one drop, baby. one drop. >> stephen: oh, sure, sure, back in the day. >> back in the day, one drop. >> stephen: warren g. harding. now, you play-- you play-- this is surprising to me. because we're-- we're essentially the same age. >> yes. >> stephen: but you play a grandfather. >> i play grandpa. >> stephen: how do you feel about playing a grandfather. >> i love it. >> stephen: really? >> yeah. >> stephen: does he have to be a sexy grandpa or something like that? >> no, listen, listen, i am not 35. and i'm not going to try to pretend that i'm 35. i am 50-something years old. i'm happy! i love being this age! i mean -- >> do you remember your grandfather? >> yes, i do!

of doing your grandfather or this is a totally new grandfather? >> no, i'm doing whatever i'm doing, and i'm bringing all of my years of experience and the experience that i have with guys that were older than me, because i always hung out with older cats. so i'm just bringing, you know, my life and my stuff. and being 50-plus makes me grandpa eligible. i mean, i could have grandchildren. >> stephen: i am sure. if you know how babies are made. >> you know what i'm saying? ( laughter ). >> stephen: i'm sure-- i'm sure-- i'm sure it was in the cards. >> i am digging where i am at in terms of my age. i'm trying to age as gracefully as possible, and stepping into this -- >> you're pulling it off very well. >> they say 50s are the age of elegance, so i'm just trying to be an elegant man. i'm just trying. >> stephen: i was not preeppedz for my elegance to be so pair shaped. ( laughter ) so, yes, very nice. very nice.

you've used two terms they would love to be able to get away with that i can't. >> tell me, tell me. >> stephen: and i think it's because i haven't embraced my blackish. you say the, cat, unironically you said cat, and dig it. >> dig that. >> stephen: daddy-o, can i dig that. >> daddy-o, not only that-- when you do it, you will be so cool, that you will be straight from the fridge. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i need to learn some more. i need to learn some more from you. you can stick around a little bit? we'll be right back with a little more blackish from laurence fishburne.

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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i want you back here every night for my preshow warm-up. that's what i need. >> yeah, man. >> stephen: i need a little bit more of the blackish. a little less of the white-oid. i think so. can i ask you something about your family name. >> yes. >> stephen: fishburne, that's kind of an unusual namely name. that's not actually my real name. my real name is kantrowitz. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, they call me fishburne because i like to burn fish. >> stephen: so it's a nickname? you burn fish. >> you've played the dozens before. >> stephen: i know what it is. >> the dozens. >> stephen: i've heard of it. i know what that is.

but with fish. this is "laurence's fish burns!" ( cheers and applause ) you ready to burn some fish, stephen? >> stephen: please, let's do it. sure, let's do it. >> hey fish, how's it feel to be the part of the mermaid no one likes? >> oh mama, that's a fish burn! >> stephen: that is cold. >> betafish, i bet you never laid-a-fish. >> stephen: i can try? okay. hey, yellow perch, you know where i perch? on your mom! >> burn, comma, fish! >> stephen: this is good. this is fun. >> you know what they say about small mouth bass? small penis bass! >> one fish, two fish, red fish, burn fish! >> stephen: hey, clams, guess what?

>> that's not a fish burn, that's a clam slam! >> oh! oh! hey, grouper, you're so ugly that when you're on the menu, people order chips and chips! >> what time is it? it's fish burn o'clock! >> stephen: wow, we really said some terrible things to fish there, laurence. do you ever feel bad about that? >> no, no, stephen because they've got it coming. they've got it coming. >> stephen: thank you for your service. >> my pleasure. "black-ish" airs wednesdays at 9:30 on abc. the great laurence fishburne, everybody.

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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. you know, i don't know about you guys, but i love to do the internet because there are so many great things you can learn out there, sp some of the best ones are these things called life hacks. they're clever little shortcuts on daily tasks that can save you a ton of time. for instance, here's a clever

cheetos into a bowl of cheetos. all right. it's that simple. it's convenient and makes you feel like you registered for wedding gifts at a gas station. ( laughter ) or this is an actual one from savvy travel hacker justin roz lee. >> here's a way to make sure that your bags are never lost. you go to target, and you buy a starter pistol. so when you're checking in, you tell the check-in lady, "i'm declaring a firearm in my bag." they don't know if you have an ak-47 that's legally purchased and registered or a starter pistol. it doesn't matter. it's handled the same way. >> stephen: yes, you'll be able to locate your bag, and when t.s.a. hauls you off the plane for a cavity search, i promise, they will locate your sack. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but despite-- they're very thorough. they're very thorough. blue gloves. but despite all the clever tips and tricks out there, there are

without solutions, until now. this is "life hacked!" first up, do you worry about your car being stolen because it doesn't have an expensive alarm? not anymore. whenever you park it, simply set your car on fire. now if someone tries to steal your car, they'll catch on fire and the amublance's siren will act as a car alarm. life... >> audience: hacked! >> stephen: pretty good. are you being driven crazy by all the noise from a nearby construction site? wait until they leave for the night, then finish the building yourself! life... >> audience: hacked! ( laughter ) >> stephen: desperate for some cuddling but allergic to cats? here's a helpful tip-- maybe

just lie in your yard, rub a little pizza on your neck, and wait for your new best pal to show up. life-- >> hacked! >> stephen: losing custody of your kids during your divorce? simply dress up as a woman, become their nanny, and win back the respect of your wife, sally field. life... >> audience: hacked! >> stephen: someone spill red wine on your new white carpet? go to your kitchen, grab a knife, and stab them. they'll never spill again, and the blood will cover up that unsightly wine stain. life... >> audience: hacked! ( laughter ) >> stephen: want to hide your marijuana farm from police helicopters? just plant it in the shape of the words "normal farm." life... >> audience: hacked! >> stephen: looking for a way to get out of a bad relationship? walk slowly and silently into the ocean.

old you would have done. life... >> audiencee: hacked! >> stephen: hosting a late night show and have to take a commercial break? jsut repeat a catchphrase to end your segment. "life..." >> audience: hacked! >> stephen: we'll be right back with paleantologist dr. mike novacek. crawfish shorts i like your style hooked it just a little bit (window breaks, car alarm sounds) don't open that cellar door epic comeback starts right here lucky shot.

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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest is a veteran dinosaur hunter who works here in new york at the american museum of natural history. he's here to introduce us to the titanosaur, the largest dinosaur ever found. please welcome dr. michael novacek. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: first of all, thank you for being here. and how did you get a job like paleontologist, a job that every six-year-old wants? ( laughter ). >> a little bit of luck. some guy retired. >> stephen: really? >> at the museum. >> stephen: is it who you know in paleontology? >> no, not really. i had to compete for the job. and, you know, but there are very few jobs in this field.

especially a job like the american museum of natural history, so i was very lucky to get a job there. ( applause ) a fantastic museum. >> stephen: it's one of the jewels of new york city? >> it's an incredible place. >> stephen: tell me about the titanosaur. let's give some people a sense of the size of this animal let's see, john, you can put that up-- okay. so there's the head over there. and then there's the body that goes around. but even this is nowhere near the size of it, right? >> no, yeah, it's about four times that big or more, actually. >> stephen: because the actual titanosaur would not fit inside this theater. >> it would not. >> stephen: let's have a shot of what it would look like if it was walking down broadway. that would be the size of the titanosaur. now, where was it found? >> in argentina, a lonely place in a patagonian desert, south of buenos aires. >> stephen: this is how you found out about it. a friend of yours sent you this

>> my colleague, mark nurle, a paleontologistt museum, i woke up one morning, checked my e-mail-- i was actually out of town. he didn't say anything in the e-mail. he just sent me this photo. and i said, "wow." right away, we knew that it was about the biggest thing ever found. and i said, "well, we gotta get that, or we gotta get something of that at the museum." >> stephen: what makes the titanosaur special? >> well, titanosaurs are probably the biggest land animals that we know of, that ever lived. i mean, they're smaller, probably, than blue whales but this thing roabl weighed 70 tons. a blue whale can weigh in around 80 or 100 tons. water. these things are walking on land. >> stephen: i'd like to see those guys fight. ( laughter ) and when you find a pile of bones like this. >> yeah, this was a big pile. >> stephen: how do you know ( laughter )

kind of doing, like, leggos with bones, and going,un," kind of looks like that?" how do you know the way it goes together? there's no instruction manual. >> i'd like to say that isn't a good question, but it is. >> stephen: oh, it is? >> sometimes some mistakes have been made. >> stephen: what's a famous mistake people have made? >> oh, well, at our museum, we had the wrong skull on a dinosaur for years. we realized that -- >> is this the bront sauer you're talking about. >> the brontosauer. >> stephen: when i was a kid, the bronto sauer was like the titanosaur. and then it disappeared and they said there's no such thing as a brontosauer? >> some are claiming the name is valid again and there's some argument going back and forth. it has to do with the measurement of the skull and the skeleton. and they say, oh, no, brontosauer is a valid name. but names go back and forth and

with names whether you should name a different species or same species. it's a formal term in taxonomy, in naming things that there are splitters. and the splitters any time they see something knew, they say we have a new species. and the lumpers who build their careers by bringing all those names back together. >> stephen: so are you a splitter or a lumper? ( laughter ). >> depend. depends on the situation. >> stephen: i believe you're called a waffler. does this thing have a name yet? >> it has a name. a scientific name, but i can't tell you what it is -- >> why not? >> because it's part of an unpublished manuscript that was submitted to a journal, and you cannot publish a name until it's published with a paper with a description and the illustration of the specimen. >> stephen: you can whisper it? >> no gli won't tell them what it is. i'll just act if i like it or not. you can't say anything? i'm going to say it's allen.

>> no clue s. >> stephen: close? >> no clue. >> stephen: no clues? ( laughter ) wow. >> can't do it. >> stephen: code of silence among paleontologists. >> i'll be in big trouble. >> stephen: incredible. >> i'll be in big trouble. >> stephen: incredible. can we expect we're going to find anything bigger than that out there? is it this? have we reached the limit? can you do the math and say nothing bigger than that can crawl around. >> we know something is bigger than this. something older. >> stephen: the daddy. >> we just haven't found it. there probably is something bigger out there, and there's a lot of competition-- my dinosaur's bigger than your dinosaur. >> stephen: yeah, there's a lot of that in the rock locker room, there sure is. are we ever going to be able to clone these guys. >> no. >> stephen: are you sure? >> no. ( laughter ) >> stephen: if we could, do you think we should? >> well, it would be kind of interesting to see.

>> stephen: it would be a blockbuster. it would be a blockbuster. >> it could be an interesting experiment or the end of all humankind. i mean -- >> either way, pretty interesting. >> pretty interesting. that's what science is all about. but it's technologically impossible to do that right now. >> stephen: presently. >> presently. >> stephen: okay, well, that's comforting. well, doctor, thank you so much for being here. >> it's my pleasure. >> stephen: pleasure to meet you. dr. michael novacek, ladies and gentlemen! the titanosaur is now on display at the american museum of natural history. we'll be right back. it's why we, at university of phoenix, count your relevant work and college experience as credits toward your degree. learn more at phoenix.edu. "beth" by kiss beth, i hear you calling... but i can't come home right now... me and the boys are playing...

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hello i'm not gonna bite you just want a light you got me wishing that i never said hello don't wanna fight you i don't got a right to this is what i get for being civilized i apologize i'll let you go in a minute if you want a goodbye it's not what i want to say took my salutations and threw 'em away call off your dogs give someone a call i know there's something wrong with the limits we got turned around, but we could spin it call off your dogs what's with the wall? if we're strong, we can win it one word can begin it hello i got a right to call you, baby i got a right to say hello remember when you used to like

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ooooh ooooh ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: their new album, "side pony," is out on february 19! lake street dive, everybody.

,, ,, ,,

,, late show." please join us tomorrow when my guests will be actor chris pine. purple," danielle brooks. dormroom chef, jonah reider. and a musical performance by baauer. now stick around for james corden. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs >> reggie: are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight don't you worry about the bills and such

ladies and gentlemen, all the way from kauai, honolulu, give it up for the one, the only james corden! cheers and applause ) >> james: how are you? nice to see you. thank you so much. oh, good evening! and welcome to "the late late show"! thank you so much! thanks for coming out. i hope you've had a great day. thank you very much. ladies and gentlemen, we are just 15 days away from when "time" magazine chooses its annual person of the year. oh, indeed, sir. oh, indeed. because there's an online poll where readers can vote for their pick, and currently leading in

hopeful bernie sanders. yeah. now, this is ironic, because i'm not sure bernie sanders has ever even been online. seriously, if he wanted to vote for himself, he'd have to go to a library. but this is going to be a real thrill for bernie because he actually remembers when time came onto the scene. not "time" magazine, actual time. but i'm surprised that people get so invested in the person of the year because i don't even like "time" magazine. i don't. i'm joking. i can't read. but bernie has really been on fire in the press. in fact, he's gotten a lot of attention for a meeting he had with outspoken activist/rapper killer mike. look at this photo of them. look at that.

to killer mike. it looks like killer mike could wear bernie in a baby bjorn. how are you going to stand up to vladimir putin when you look like you need a booster seat? but whilst bernie may be leading in the online poll, donald trump has given his opinion on who he thinks should be named person of the year. he thinks it should be this guy. trump basically dared "time" magazine to make him person of the year. in a speech, he said "i assume they're considering me, but they can't do it. even if i deserve it, they can't do it. and that is also the thought process you should have when voting for trump for president. "i can't do it. even if he deserves it, i can't ( cheers and applause ) but -- but trump is talking about this the way a high school girl talks about running for prom queen.

"like, i don't even care because there is no way i'll win. i mean, i assume they're considering me, but it doesn't even matter. honestly -- honestly kelsey, the whole thing's stupid." but let's keep talking about it a lot. i think trump's getting a little overconfident recently though because he hasn't even gotten the republican nomination yet and he's already made an attack ad on hillary clinton, who he's not even running against. this is real: >> including f.b.i. officials. i don't know why it's funny. >> james: that's a real ad. that's a cheap shot. he's just putting her face over fire. you can make anyone seem like a bad person if you superimpose their face over burning stuff. don't believe us?

) seriously, you can make anyone look scary! literally anyone. actually, that last one was quite scary. i'm not going to vote for elmo. i won't do it. shall we see who our guests are tonight? ( cheers and applause ) we have a packed show this evening. in the orange room, she's a comedy icon, an emmy and golden globe winning actress, and a best-selling author, the one and only, roseanne barr is here tonight! hey, roseanne, how are you? >>hi. you're on the tv. >> james: i'm on the camera. you look beautiful tonight. how great roseanne look tonight,

whoa. >> i was going to ask you to help me with my spanx. >> james: roseanne barr, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) in the purple room, she's the golden globe winning actress you know from "jane the virgin," the delightful, gina rodriguez is here tonight! how are you? >>great. where's roseanne. i'll -- where's roseanne? i'll help you with your spanks. i got you. >>in the back. >> james: gina, everybody! in the red room tonight, i'm so excited because i can't stop dancing to their music.

it's rock. ladies and gentlemen, it's dnce! what's happening? dnce, everybody! look at this! oh, my god -- i tell you what, it's always a party when jo jonas is in town. look at these guys. are you on a giraffe there? he's on a giraffe. >> yeah, it's a giraffe. >> james: why not? just make sure you leave the room as you found it. >> absolutely. come on in. >>yeah, we just. james: wow. ladies and gentlemen, dnce, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, we've also

for you tonight. ellie goulding is going to be here later. ( cheers and applause ) she's nominated for a 2016 people's choice award for favorite song of the year for "love me like you do." we're going to do a special rendition of that song here tonight. you don't want to miss it. it's a packed show. should we get on with it? he's reggie watts. i'm james corden and this, this is "the late late show"! roll the titles! ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs the late, late show, oh, oh the late, late show, ooh the late, late show, oh, oh the late, late show oh, oh the late, late show >> james: it certainly is. it's that time again. it's time for emoji news. here's how the game works.

story written only in emojis and i want you to tell me what you think the story is about. so who here thinks they know their emojis? who knows their emojis? you know their emojis. stand up for me. how are you? >> i'm good. how are you? >> james: what's your name? >> jackie. >> james: jackie, where are you from? >> from los angeles. >> james: you're from los angeles? well, thanks for making the trip. have a look here and tell me what you think this news story could be. >> something cop lobster pants? >> james: you understand the game, right? just say what you see? what do you reckon it is. >> cop, car, woman -- >> james: wow, you're literally saying what you see. yeah. so what would a policeman do with a woman he might -- >> arrest for having lobster pants. ( laughter

>> james: you're kind of right. what this is is a woman was arrested for attempting to steal lobster tails from an austin grocery store. according to the police, the woman was seen concealing two separate lobster tails between her legs. i know. on the bright side though, at least she didn't have crabs. all right. thank you for playing. thank you, guillermo. anyone else know their emojis? ( cheers and applause ) come here. come here, sir. how are you? what's your name? >> eric. >> james: hi, eric. you have to go up a step. you and reggie are clearly much taller than i am. maybe if i stand there. we shoot it from the right angle. you stay there. and it looks like -- look at that. that is -- that is embarrassing, isn't it? two steps away. well, eric, thank you for making

tonight. thank goodness you have. all right. eric, do you know your emojis? >> yes, i do. >> james: do you use emojis a lot? >> every day. >> james: what's your favorite emoji? >> ummm...something not allowed, maybe? >> james: what emjois are not allowed? do you mean eggplant? >> there are new ones. >> james: you're firing a lot of eggplants? >> yes. >> james: you dirty dog. you dirty dog. all right, well, have a look and see what this story might be. what do you think that might be? >> old lady scissors money. that's a complicated story right there. >> james: you say that a lot, i imagine. >> yeah. >> james: tell you what, eric. it's a good job you're pretty. >> thank you. i'd say old woman cuts hair for

bed? >> james: eric, i can't stress this enough, this story was in the news. the story you've just said is hairdresser dies. like i, i don't know that that's going to make a news story. is that what you're going with, old lady cuts hair for money and dies? >> it's what it seems like, james. >> james: that's what it seems like. well, i can tell you that what is this is an 85-year old grandmother cut up $1.1 million and hid it under her bed before she passed away in a retirement home. and her family believes she did this in order to punish them. that's a stone-cold baller move, isn't it? i'm not defending her. i'm not defending her, but i can't wait to do it when i get older. thank you for playing, eric. go ahead and have a seat. ok.

) wait, hang on. wait. before i come through here, what do you want: you want the ass or the crotch? well listen to you, you old flirt. she went "crotch" straight away! never trust a woman in a fringed boot. sluts. what do you want? the ass or the crotch? >> either. >> james: she said crotch. alright, we'll go through. here it is. drink it in. drink it in. hey, no! stop it. it's not that kind of show. who fancies -- who thinks they ( cheers and applause ) ok. you, you, sir. how are you? what's your name? >> james: hi, tony. how are you?

>> james: now, tony, did you buy this shirt this color or did you put it in the wash with something else? >> i bought it this color. >> james: well, why not? i'm not judging you. i love a lavender shirt. who cares if people are tweeting about it right now? screw those guys. have a look here. what do you think this emoji story is about? what do you think this is about? this woman behind you just went "wow." i think she just found what the egg plant emoji is. >> a woman was dancing with her husband about eggplants and then broke her bone-- >> james: you know what the eggplant emoji means? >> yeah. but i don't know what she was. she was -- >> james: you can say...a man's...let's call it -- do you

what do you call it? let's call it a t-bone. >> the man's t-bone and it broke and she posted it online and then the doctor gave her money so she could go shopping. instead of having it surgically fixed. >> james: yeah, yeah. this may come as a shock to you, but that is completely wrong. what this story is while making love with her husband, a woman in china had a sudden urge to check her phone for online shopping bargains. however, whilst hopping off to look at her phone, she broke her husband's penis. i know. although on the plus side, this woman clearly loves things that are half off. this has been "emoji news"! stick around, we'll be right

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>> james: welcome back. i'm so excited to have ellie goulding here. "love me like you do" is one of my favorite songs and it's not just me. it has over 800 million views on youtube. i've seen some versions. there's a dance version. and i started to wonder how many different ways could you sing this song? so it's time to do the "love me like you do" remix-up sung by me and ellie goulding! ( cheers and applause ) >> you're the light you're the night you're the color of my blood >> james: you're the cure you're the pain you're the only thing i wanna touch >> i never knew that it could

so much >>james: you're the fear i don't care 'cause i've never been so high >> follow me to the dark let me take you past our satellites >> james: you can see the world you brought to life to life >> so love me like you do la-la-love me like you do love me like you do la-la-love me like you do touch me like you do ta-ta-touch me like you do >> fading in fading out on the edge of paradise every inch of your skin is a holy grail i've got to find only you can set my heart on fire on fire >>james: yeah i'll let you set the pace 'cause i'm not thinking straight

i can't see clear no more what are you waiting for love me like you do la-la-love me like you do like you do love me like you do la-la-love me like you do >> james: touch me like you do ta-ta-touch me like you do what are you waiting for >> love me like you do la-la-love me like you do like you do love me like you do la-la-love me like you do touch me like you do