the 350-pound guy, i miss throwing him down to hit the quarterback, but there's nothing like hitting the quarterback because they don't get hit in practice, they wear a different color jersey, there is an article in "sports illustrated" about they're supposedly the best looking guys on the field. >> stephen: they get the models. >> yeah, who doesn't want to hit a guy who gets all that? i do! (cheers and applause) it's only human! >> stephen: totally understandable. now, the ball itself, the ball is the tackle magnet. >> yes. >> stephen: if i were playing football, i would say, don't give me the ball, i'm good, because guys like michael strahan are going to come get me. >> you're going to get the ball but sometimes you will see a guy running the ball and you don't care about him, i'm just going to get you back. >> stephen: when you knock them down, off switch to turn on to turn into the aggressive machine. >> yep. >> stephen: is it always like -- do you feel it in the moment or after you feel

that guy too hard and feel bad about it. >> no... >> stephen: when you're yelling, is it ever, like, are you okay? i'm worried about you! >> no, it's more like, you shouldn't have said that about my momma! >> stephen: what! i said nothing! (cheers and applause) (laughter) michael strahan, thank you so much for being here! "collection by michael strahan" is available exclusively at j.c. penney, everybody! michael strahan, everybody! we'll be right back! (cheers and applause) you'd see how often you cough all day and so would everyone else. new robitussin 12 hour delivers fast, powerful cough relief that lasts up to twelve hours. new robitussin 12 hour cough relief.

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,, ,, ,, (cheers and applause)i >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! long time viewers of the show know that i'm a practicing catholic. and while i usually go to church, i'm often way too busy

rituals. for instance, i've been putting off last rites for years. i heard that's a good one. and the ritual i miss most is confession. there's something about climbing into that dark wooden box that just makes me feel so alive. so, i was wondering if i could examine my conscience with you, the audience. you won't tell anybody, right? >> no! >> stephen: i didn't think so. this is stephen colbert's midnight confessions. (organ music) boo! now for the record: i'm not sure if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them.

sorry. i nodded off there for a second. forgive me, audience. when i see a story that another species has gone extinct, i wonder what it tasted like. (laughter) audience... i have a fair amount of gay friends, but sometimes i worry that i haven't made enough gay enemies. (laughter) audience, sometimes when i'm out to dinner with my wife, i propose, so they'll give us free dessert. (laughter) my e-mail address is still karategod69@aol.com. (laughter) every time i make a bologna

a first name, it's o-s-c-a-r." then, when i eat it, i whisper to the sandwich, "i'm eating you, oscar." (laughter) sometimes i lie awake at night, afraid i'll die before i get to use all my "forever" stamps. (laughter) i can still name all four teletubbies, and have done so in my will. (laughter) i don't understand why it's not called a "pants suit" when a man wears it. (laughter) am i not supposed to wear the pants? (laughter) i saw something, so i said something. but the thing i said wasn't the

(laughter) sometimes, i use slang that i don't understand to connect with young people. i guess i'm just woke like that, on fleek, bye felicia. (laughter) (applause) i have this weird feeling that once when i was drunk i got a tattoo in a place i can't see. (laughter) oh, daffy and bugs, why would you fight over that? (laughter) i like to yell "bingo" even when i don't have "bingo," and am not playing "bingo." (laughter) i know you're never supposed to put plastic in the microwave,

legos. (laughter) when i get on an elevator, and someone comes running up to catch it, i always act like i tried to hold it for them. oh, the button's not working. i'm so sorry! (laughter) (cheers and applause) i didn't go anywhere near that button. (laughter) bingo! (laughter) every time i say, "we'll be right back," i really mean after about three minutes of commercials. (laughter) forgive me, audience. >> we forgive you! >> stephen: thanks. we'll be right back with samantha bee.

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(donkey sound) (elephant sound) there's a big difference between making noise, (tapping sound) and making sense. (elephant sound) (donkey sound) when it comes to social security, we need more than lip service. our next president needs a real plan to keep social security strong. (elephant noise) hey candidates. enough talk.

(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back. my next guest was the longest serving correspondent on "the daily show" and is premiering her brand new show "full frontal with samantha bee" this monday on tbs. please welcome samantha bee.

>> stephen: come on! look at that! the people love samantha bee! >> oh, my gosh! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: that's nice. nice to see you. eth like old hopeful week. >> it really is. i feel so comfortable here. >> stephen: the show starts monday night 10:30, tbs. >> yes. >> stephen: you're down to the wire here. >> yes. >> stephen: are you feeling like let me at them or holy crap what's about to happen? >> it's no, put the show on the air now, please! we have been prepping it for so long, it's so exciting to actually be able to put one on and you sit back and let the helpful commentators roll in. >> stephen: they are so nice.

read all the youtube comments, you will sleep better at night. (laughter) >> i think so. >> stephen: interviews? interviews, a pretty big field component because, as you know, that's what i like to do. >> stephen: i still think of field to this day. i was the wrongest serving correspondent until you came along. >> mostly in my field pieces, i really bite your style, anyway. >> stephen: you bite my style? i do. that's a term all the kids say. >> stephen: i'm not sure you can say that on cbs. i'm flattered, then. >> i learned my craft from watching you. >> stephen: did you? (laughter) >> stephen: did you ever feel bad about the interviews you had to do at the at "the daily show"? >> i did for a nanosecond, then i felt good because i have a very strong canadian work ethic. >> stephen: canadians are nice people. >> no, inside we have hearts of stone.

became an american citizen. >> i did! i'm voting for the first time. >> stephen: congratulations! i feel like a total dork. i can't wait to get my sicker. >> stephen: a sticker that says i'm canadian and they let >> they do! >> stephen: let me talk about your friend. senor hottie. >> i have a photo of him dressed canadians do. >> stephen: is he actually dressed as a jaunty pirate? >> yes. >> stephen: really? he is not afraid to go there. he is not afraid to go there. (laughter) >> stephen: well, you've already started covering the election in your shows which start monday and somei have a clip of something that hasn't happened yet. >> what? >> stephen: can we share from one of your pre-shows? >> yep.

election, praise and promise coming your way but another nail biter with a self-described socialist named bernie. >> right. how did that happen? (laughter) (laughter) >> well, chris, turns out the old witch i promised chelsea to wasn't as powerful as i thought! i guess maybe i just underestimated the bone-deep sexism of the american people! ha ha ha ha ha ha! was what she wanted to say, but what she actually said was... >> look, it's a great country... chris, you better hope that woman never finds the precious. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: speaking of bone deep sexism, obviously you've got a lot of questions like you are going to be the only woman

you go on the air. >> yes. >> stephen: congratulationons that. (cheers and applause) >> yes. >> stephen: but, i mean, listen, do you get tired of that question? why do i have to, you know, bear the weight of being a woman -- >> quite honestly before i started this process, i didn't even know women could talk. so -- turns out they can. >> stephen: that's amazing. congratulations. >> you: from time to time. >> stephen: do you, really? i do. >> stephen: sometimes -- and sri womanly hips, so i'm halfway there. >> yes. i do notice that you do reference your own man parts with a pretty astonishing frequency. >> stephen: occasionally. no, i think more than -- >> stephen: i used to but not so much anymore. not on cbs. >> i think more than average. i brought a clip with me if you want to roll it, actually. >> any child kicking last at kick ball gets to kick the kicker in the ball also. >> there's no server that has

it's not the size, it's how you display it. we've reached a happy ending of a cockus tease. you, sir, have some whaifos rancheros. it takes balls to write this kind of musical. one penis-sippi, two... a three-baller, charlie. we're only six days away from the voting in iowa which means this is the last week cbs will let me say caucus on the air. (laughter) caucus. all right. i will miss being able to say that. >> yes. >> stephen: why can't you do that? >> i mean, no, i can do that.

i can reference myself, can't i? >> stephen: you have to come with euphemisms. >> you do. you don't want to destroy the minds of all the children who are watching. >> stephen: exactly. i understand you've brought a list of off misms for us to go through. >> i have. >> stephen: can i share? yes. >> stephen: these are euphemisms a female comedienne can use to refer to her bathing suit area that -- >> that will pass muster. >> i like the motion. >> stephen: be accurate. yes. >> stephen: euphemisms for what you got i ain't got. ready? >> yes. go. lady garden. floral >> stephen: hoo-hoo. >> hee-hee. >> stephen: hah-hah. >> department of the interior. that's classy. >> stephen: she who shall not be named.

keys. that's just for me. they're safe there. >> stephen: always the last place you look. >> yep. >> stephen: the chamber of secrets. >> oh, oh dear -- >> the envelope, please. >> stephen: ferngully. >> canyon of heroes. >> stephen: ark of the covenant. >> velour bouncy castle. that's nice >> stephen: mrs. bojangles. >> hurt locker. that's sad. that's dark. >> stephen: tavern on the green. sam's club. personalize it. >> stephen: i'm sad to say, i'm not a member. (laughter) >> stephen: "full frontal with samantha bee" premieres this monday at 10:30 on tbs. good luck. you're going to rock it. it will be great! we'll be right back.

we brought you here today to get your honest opinion about this new car. to keep things unbiased, we removed all the logos. feels like a bmw. reminds me a little bit of like an audi. so, this car supports apple carplay. siri, open maps. she gets me. wow. it also has teen driver technology. it even mutes the radio until the seat belts are buckled. i'm very curious what it is. this is the 2016 chevy malibu. and it sells for? it starts at twenty-two five. what? oh wow. i mean with all this technology.

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>> stephen: here performing, "random name generator," from their grammy nominated album, "star wars." please welcome, our friends, wilco! (cheers and applause) come on, listen to the wheel this way i belong to the stars in the day i ran away eternal instigator well, i was old i remember the milky way, why? i belong to the stars in the sky random name random name generator

random name generator here, lonely in the coldest night somebody hold me in the diamond light a narrator mr. narrator i want a name and a newborn child a miracle only ever grows wild it is a book instigator a random name generator i kinda like it when i make you cry

a random name random name generator i change my name every once in a while a miracle every once in a while i create, i am a flame a flame creator a random name generator come on, cuff me to the weed with some wine if i miss your breeze or you miss mine i kinda like it when i make you cry

while come on, cuff me to the weed with some wine i think i miss my family i

(cheers and applause) >> thanks so much. >> stephen: wilco, everybody! "star wars"! we'll be right back.

,, ,, ,, ,,

>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be actor bobby cannavale, advertising legend donny deutsch, and a musical performance by charles kelley. but before we go, jeff tweedy, it is 12:30, would you play us a lullaby? >> i would be happy to. >> before you drift off on an ocean of dreams listen to the dark and the song that it sings imaginate everything's ok tomorrow's going to be a great day sometimes you're scared, then you're not scared sometimes you worry and then you don't care sometimes you cry and then you're ok tomorrow's going to be a great day you're friends will be beside you

tomorrow's going to be a great da nobody's gonna leave you tomorrow's going to be a great day tomorrow's going to be a great day >> stephen: thanks, jeff tweedy. >> thank you. now stick around for james corden. goodnight! (cheers and applause) >> reggie: are you ready to have some fun feel the love tonight

it's the late, late show >> ladies and gentlemen, all the way from give it up for your host the one, the only, james corden! >> james: thank you! >> james: we are three days away hello, good evening and welcome to the "late late show." thanks for being here, thanks for staying up for us i appreciate it very much. and ladies and gentlemen, we are three days away from the super bowl, one of the most fun days of the year. but -- (cheering and applause) >> james: i also want to celebrate with you. but before we celebrate, there's something we simply can't ignore. let's take a look at an event that was not so fun, at least

this is how jeb bush's speech ended at a rally in new hampshire yesterday: >> i think next president needs to be a lot quieter but send a signal that we're prepared to act in the national security interests of this country to get back in the interest of creating a more peaceful world. please clap. >> james: i mean, how would this guy ran a country? how is he supposed to handle isis? "guys, please stop! i'm begging you. it's getting rude at this point." i'd love to see what jeb bush was like in high school. do you know what i mean? i imagine on his first date he was like, "i had a really good time tonight. please kiss." [ laughing ] i think we're looking at this the wrong way. jeb bush should embrace this. "please clap" should become jeb bush's new campaign slogan

his previous slogan, "now do you love me, dad?" [ laughing ] >> james: but if you think this story's depressing, check out this one. it was released this week that the girl scouts had booked this year's super bowl stadium for a massive slumber party. however, days ago, the 49ers canceled that sleepover so they could host a more profitable event. i know, it sucks! i don't want to say the girl scouts are upset, but one of them is planning on getting a new badge in "cutting a bitch." the 49ers aren't the only ones that need a little little bit of cash. the city of san francisco is going $4.9 million over budget.

golden gate bridge to the golden gate bridge stone tires bridge or -- we here on the "late late show" have all new ways of doing it on the cheap just do shirts and skins. cam newton is going to double your ratings. although you risk a topless peyton manning. lady gaga, instead of the panthers playing the broncos, just let the real panther fight a horse. it may be the same odds as the game. your super bowl has a giant surface that isn't covered with an ad: peyton manning's forehead. look at that money maker! or when all else fails, instead

bush. >> please clap. >> james: can we see who our guests are tonight? in the purple room: you know him from "miranda," "rush," and the new hit show "lucifer;" the the brilliant mr. tom ellis is here tonight. >> i was doing my flower arranging. >> james: it's what all british guys do this time of night! look at this guy, i mean can you ever imagine being that handsome? i guess technically, i'm looking at tom like we're really the same species. get back to your flowers. >> james: in the orange room: she is an actress, producer, director, and writer; the talented, beautiful and very busy, eva longoria!

(cheering and applause) >> james: eva. >> hi. >> james: what is that? st. >> the prepie foot you have back here. >> james: reggie makes all that food first thing in the morning don't you rej? >> reggie: not anymore. i know it's not quinoa like youjf like. >> james: ladies and gentlemen, eva longoria. (cheering and applause) >> james: and we have some incredible music for you later tonight. 5 seconds of summer are here with their chart-topping hit "jet black heart!" it's going to be a real treat. (cheering and applause) >> james: reggie, are you ready? he's reggie watts, i'm james corden and this, this is "the late late show!" roll the titles. the late, late show, oh, oh

the late, late show the late, late show >> james: now, ladies and gentlemen we all know san francisco is buzzing with all of the activities of super bowl week, and i figured who better to cover this celebration of american football than two people who know nothing about american football, my mum and dad. take a look. >> here we are at the opening night of super bowl 50, it's manic, it's chaos, cameras everywhere. >> absolutely, i can't believe it. >> here they come down the steps and don't they look resplendent? high five! high five! >> one for me too. >> cool shades, cool shaits, oh what a hat! come on. oh there there, that's james isn't it?

some of them now. >> i'm just his arm pits! >> we're reporters from the "late late show." greg, greg? greg? greg we can see that you've got certain nordic features. >> yes. >> and your name is also. were you a viking in a previous -- >> i think i was. >> your beard visibly grew when that espn guy was talking. i'm from the "late late show," james corden's "late late show" on cbs. i'm from britain. i've never experienced anything like this before. >> yes. >> what sit with you? >> i'd like to know, if you could fill me in. >> we are sort of ages -- >> i agree. i got a little more hair than you have. >> you're still at it, that's great.

the good fight. >> here is your celebration. come on! >> can you do the charleston that goes with it? >> that's easy to do isn't it? >> yes. >> you got a hair ball like that, you wave around almost like -- and you -- and -- (applause). >> >> oh, oh. >> what would you do? >> ha ha ha ha! >> there you go!

ha ha ha! >> that was great. now charles win of the things we like from the nfl is when they do the kiss-cam. >> oh really? >> could you just lean over and give my wife a kiss on the -- >> oh -- >> oh! wow! mwaa! i'm from james corden's "late late show." >> okay. >> and my wife is here. and one of the things she really loves is the kiss cam. >> kiss cam? >> on the nfl. could we have a kiss cam, cam? with my wife? >> you want me to kiss your wife.

>> i don't think i can do that. and if i kiss her i'm going to have to kiss a lot of more people. >> welt, at the end of the day, our super bowl week, we're all exhausted. >> just a bit. >> fantastic experience. >> unbelievable. wonderful. >> back for more tomorrow. pity about kiss cam, cam. >> here is a kiss cam. kiss cam the nba right? kiss cam at nba games right? >> i have no idea. >> kiss cam's nba. they don't do it on the nfl. well, that is just a taste of some of the fund my parents had in san francisco, and we'll have even more of them sunday night after the game in our special super bowl episode of"the late

(cheering and applause) we've got so many exciting things planned after the game. zac ef ron ac efron is going to see us. we've recreated some famous super bowl commercials, including one with sinnity crawford, --cindy crawford, she has not aged one bit. take a look. i'm the one on the left, just so you know. plus we have and i can't wait for you to see it, we have a carpool karaoke. when you think of the super bowl and carpool karaoke you think mr. football himself, sir elton john is going to do a carpool karaoke.

little bit? have a look! don't let the sun go down on me although i search myself always someone else i see i'm just a fragment of your life to wander free to lose everything is like the sun going down on me >> james: all of that, all of that and so much admonish on sunday night when we're right here, okay? you don't want to miss it. we got a great show tonight, stick around, we're going to be

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,, >> james: welcome back.

for the new show, "telenovela," put your hands together for eva longoria! he's the star of "lucifer gone wild" tom ellis. how are you (laughter) thanks for coming down to see us. it's nice to see you in the flesh because you would have seen these if you are driving around any parts of america you cannot move with your face on billboards everywhere. >> yes. >> james: i drive past on

it's true. >> isn't it called lucifer. >> james: it's your face and hot as hell! now, eva we have to get huge congratulations because you're engaged. >> i'm engaged! (cheering and applause) >> james: massive congratulations. do you want to tell me what you want me to sing at the wedding (laughter)

>> james: you don't want celine dion (laughter) "my heart will go on" (laughter) if you are getting married on a beach, i could sail in on the front of a boat. >> yes. >> james: i haven't given it much thought. have you got any plans for the (laughter) >> none. i want to elope. i don't want to do a big i do. >> james: no one believes you. >> i do! >> james: you're going to go off get married it will be you, your husband and me. (laughter) people. it will. >> james: i'll be there, a couple of broad minded british guys, what could go wrong (laughter) do you remember when we first met do you remember where we

>> we met playable football, didn't we (laughter) soccer. >> james: soccer as you know i.t., the rest of the world knows it as football. literally everyone else. a very action -- >> a very action movie right (laughter) >> james: who was playing (laughter) >> it was a sun afternoon. >> james: james mcavoy. >> dominic cooper. who else was there (laughter) j.p. someone else would turn it from time to time and basically the most noncontact soccer game you've ever seen in your life. oh, don't mind my face i've got a casting on tuesday. terribly sorry. it was ridiculous. tom the bachelor better than he looks. he's got an engine and a temper. that's what i say. you both have something in

on a talk show, you both both studied sports medicine. >> yes. >> james: why given what you've now ended up doing what did you want to do with your degree (laughter) >> that's why i was heading that direction for a degree and then basically because i was never good -- i loved sport, i was never good enough in any of the sports i played to pursue it professionally. >> i've seen him play football which is not better than me which is (bleep). >> goal keeping gloves. >> >> james: i do. >> i basically was never good enough but i still wanted the glory of running on the pitch. i wanted to be the guy with the magic sponge, the physio, coming out on the field, that's what drove me. >> james: to be knelt down whilst the guy has got a broken leg to be kneeling in front of