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,, >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest next started his career in the b-bop era, took center stage in the 1960s and has remained at the center of pop culture and civil rights ever since. please welcome quincy jones. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now mr. jones,

>> what's up? ( laughter ) >> stephen: not much, what's up with you? >> what's not down. >> stephen: now because i met you once before, i feel entitled to call you "q." may i call you q? >> absolutely. >> stephen: how did you get started in music? >> well, i was raised in chicago, i was born in chicago. ( applause ) >> second city. but in the '30s, boy, it was no joke. no joke at all. my mother was taken away in a straight jacket when i was seven, so we were like street rats in chicago. and my father was a carpenter, building homes for the jones boys, probably the most notorious-- in the history of america. i'm doing a movie on it every day i saw dead bodies, tommy guns, piles of money, liquor, you know, it was unbelievable in the '30s. >> stephen: and how does that get to the music again? fascinating story but how does

>> gradually. >> stephen: okay. anything better than this? >> right, because what happened is in 1941, they made about $120 million, equivalent to $1 billion back then. >> stephen: what, this gang did. notorious gangsters in the history of america. i'm doing a movie on it. i am! >> stephen: i believe you. i would never challenge you on that. never challenge you on that. >> jones boys. they are unbelievable. and i remember i cut his daughter's hair when i was seven years old, she was five, she asked me to give her a haircut, i cut all her hair off. he said "you know who her father is?" they looked like sister, unbelievable. >> stephen: back to the music again. because i have heard a lot of color, a lot of local color. >> it was gradual. and so-- . >> stephen: like what was your first instrument. >> so they made-- all that money and capone, al capone ran them out of chicago and sent them

>> stephen: really? are there like the descendant of that gang still there? >> yeah, i talked to the granddaughters last week. >> stephen: wow. >> they're beautiful, man, beautiful, elegant people. >> stephen: uh-huh. >> but he ran them to mexico and my father's best friend was one of the most notorious, took five sawed off shot guns to kill them. they were tough. >> stephen: and. >> you think it is bad now? so was it a piano? or-- . >> these guys were getting to-- >> stephen: a trumpet. >> what happened was we went out there and we wanted to be baby gangsters. >> stephen: so you wanted to like be made men of your own. >> gangsters. we went in an armory and we heard there was some lemon meringue pie, we knew >> stephen: that sounds like gangster work, my friend. >> that's right, 11 years old. >> stephen: going for the lemon >> 11:35, right on the dot, ate

had pie fights. and then we went around individually and broke in all the offices, right. >> stephen: yeah. >> we were gangsters, man. >> stephen: it sounds like it. it does not sound like you are "musicians" yet. >> i haven't gotten there yet. >> stephen: i want to warn our affiliates, we might be going long. >> after we ate up all the pie and had fights with it and everything, we went individually to different offices and broke into offices. i went into the supervisor's office and there was a piano in the corner. >> stephen: piano! >> and i almost-- well, it was amazing. i went over, i closed the door and something said "idiot, go back in that room and check that piano out." and i didn't know human beings played instruments, i really didn't. so i went over to that piano slowly and i touched it. and every cell in my body said this is what you are going to do the rest of your life. >> stephen: wow. >> so the next day i started to

baritone, french horn, trombone, in the marching band so you can be next the majorettes. >> stephen: so you made all kinds of music. and now you've actually got away, i want to get this out here. this is actually a way for all of us to hear music a new way. you have this thing, called the a.k.g.n.-90. this is the q, this is the quincy jones headphone. and... >> my daughter designed these. >> stephen: okay. now these headphones go for $1,500 apiece. now-- i understand that they are personalized. i only can hear out of one ear, can i get these for $750? ( laughter ) >> we have another line coming out. >> stephen: another line coming out. >> we will accommodate. >> stephen: all right. are these available now? >> very shortly. i this think they are available now, yeah. >> stephen: i've got one here in

get them, anybody can. uh-huh, and are you listening to these yourself? >> yes, it makes my soul melt. >> stephen: really. >> no, it's nice. we put a lot of work into this, you know. what you want to hear. after all this time, you know, you really are fussy about how you listen stuff. but you have e.d.m. and disco and hip-hop in one strata, jazz and classical another one. all you have to do is just decide, do like that. click it on. >> stephen: to change the settings. >> and the thing is not what your ear likes. >> stephen: it has an eq in it? >> it is-- nothing like it on the street. we just won first place in c.e.s., you know. >> stephen: congratulations. >> thank you. >> stephen: you know what, there's also nothing like quincy jones on the street. ladies and gentlemen, the great quincy jones. we'll be right back. (

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and this is how it works. most new wealth flows to the top 1%. it's a system held in place where wall street banks and billionaires buy elections. my campaign is powered by millions of small contributions. people like you who want to fight back. the truth is you can't change a corrupt system by taking its money. i'm bernie sanders. i approve this message. join us for real change. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back. welcome back. my next guest is a leader in the "black lives matter" movement.

) >> good to be here. >> stephen: as i said before, you are one of the leaders of the "black lives matter" movement. though you have moved on to focus on something called "campaign zero" right now. >> yes, a conference platform to end police violence. the movement is bigger than any one organization. there are so many people pushing to end police violence and this is one of the central platforms. >> stephen: you helped organize the protest in ferguson and baltimore. you were named for tune magazine's 2015 greatest world leaders list and one of ten people beyonce follows on twitter. that's a lot of pressure. that's a lot of pressure. >> beyonce is great and more for. >> stephen: more what? >> woke. honest to god, evidently i'm not >> you wore the bracelet one

>> stephen: somebody in my audience asked me if i would wear a "black lives matter" bracelet. so i put it on. and you would have thunk i slapped a baby. people got very mad about it. why do you think people get so mad about the idea of "black lives matter?" >> because it's an idea as much as a movement. >> yeah, i think that people are uncomfortable talking about the racist history of this country and what we need to do to undo the impact of racism. and people are just like to act like we don't have a legacy of racism here. so i think people get really uncomfortable with it. but we know that we can't change it unless we address it, right? >> stephen: well, some people, both republicans and democrats-- ( applause ) some republican candidates and martin o'malley at first also said all lives matter, in response. >> yeah. >> stephen: what is your reaction to that reaction? >> you know, it's such a distraction. we know if all lives matter were true we wouldn't have to be out in the street. the police have killed 26 people just in 2016. so we have so much work to do. and that is just the way to avoid talking about the issue of police brutality by getting

of all lives matter. it's just not true. >> stephen: when you say police brutality, some people's reaction would be this isn't all policeman. were you talking about bad apples, or are you saying that there is a systemic history of violence against the african- american community or poor communities in general, that doesn't obviate the fact that it is only a few people doing this? >> it's not just bad apples, it is like a bad batch, right. what we have seen is that across the country these issues around police violence in communities of color are popping up. >> stephen: sometimes it's african-american officers involved with these. does that change your feeling at all? >> no, because there is the blue coat of silence. when they become police officer there is something about the culture itself that is dangerous in communities across the country. we see it tamir rice, mike brown, across the country it is so similar, it is not these

systemic problem. >> stephen: will you admit that being a police man is a dangerous occupation, that if there is a tragedy perpetrated by police, it is in any way obviated by the fact they put their lives on the line for the rest of us. >> many dangerous jobs in the country. police have the power to kill people. that means they have a different responsibility and account ability that is not present. they kill people and they aren't accountable for that. we haven't seen many indictments or convictions across the country and that is not okay. >> stephen: this is a day that we celebrate martin luther king, the greatest hero of the civil rights movement, my lifetime. how do you think the civil rights movement as it exists today is different than it was in his time? because it's often looked at as a golden age and he was taken from its world still as a young man and is now sort of a person in amber, like it's unchangeable

and the tactics of the 1960s, what king did is unquestionable for that reason. does the civil rights movement have to change now? >> i think today's interesting because people misremember king today. they remember the safe king, not the radical revolutionary king. >> stephen: what is the radical revolutionary king? >> he talked about redistribution of wealth and economic justice. he was much more aggressive than the dream that people remember. when you think about, you know, what is different about the civil rights movement now is really about technology, right. the issues that are the same. and we didn't invent resistance. we didn't discover injustice. the technology has allowed us to amplify these messages in ways we couldn't before and accelerated pace of organizing in ways that are really powerful. >> stephen: what is "campaign zero"? >> so "campaign zero" is a point platform to end police violence. we cover things like police union contracts, use of force, body cameras. and it is we used with hillary, bernie, loretta lynch. >> stephen: were you at the debate. >> i was in charleston. >> stephen: how did you feel it went? do you think that the candidates

issues that you were hoping for? >> yeah, i think there was probably the best question about race that we have had at the debate so far, we have an acknowledgment of the issues at systemic issues. now we have to figure out what they plan to do. we heard hillary acknowledge white privilege which she has never done before. bernie continued to talk about systemic injustice. and o'malley, you know, still got some work to do. >> stephen: now i might be, you can tell me, i might be the whitest person you've ever met. henry louis gates, the head of african-american studies at harvard, after he took my dna. he had my dna sequenced and he said "you are white, baby, you are the whitest man i've ever met." so i might have the most privilege of any white person you have ever met. how do i identify that in my own life? because if i have a white privilege i want to be able to identify it. give me some hints as to my white privilege. >> you have a show, you have a lot of money. >> stephen: that's true. >> a lot of access. >> stephen: yeah.

i have a show, i have a lot of money. >> you do. >> stephen: the fact that i'm sitting here and are you sitting there is part of that white privilege. >> it's about role and about access. and what you can do is extend that privilege so you can dismantle it, right. you can create opportunity for people, you can amplify issues in ways other people can't. and you can use your resources to create space for people. ( applause ) >> stephen: let's switch seats. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: so deray, anything you would like to ask me about being white? >> yeah, i would love to know what you plan to do now that you understand your whiteness a little better to dismantle it. >> stephen: what am i going to do to dismantle white privilege? >> now what that you understand it, what are you going to do-- . >> stephen: i don't know if i do understand it i can dismantle it acknowledge it. >> let's dialogue. let's think about it. >> you have a lot of money, you have a show. >> stephen: you can't have my

) >> what you can do? >> stephen: and you can't have my show. >> why do you think people are uncomfortable talking about race, why are white people uncomfortable talking about race? >> stephen: i can't speak for other white people. okay, i feel-- i feel guilty for anyone who does not have the things i have. and that includes, you know, black people or anyone because i am so blessed that i think there is always the fear it will be taken from you. >> and what can you do to manage that guilt? like what have you -- >> stephen: i drink a fair amount. >> i drink-- ( laughter ) >> you're great. >> stephen: i mean-- i don't know, i'm shooting from the hip here, shooting from the hip here. hi you on the show, does that help at all. >> baby steps, you got to start somewhere. got to create space for the conversation. we can't address what we don't talk about. >> stephen: i was at the march on washington, does that help? >> you were at the march on washington? >> stephen: i was, my mom was there and she was pregnant with me. >> nice. i love it. i love it. i love it.

>> literal, literal baby steps. >> that was good. that was good. >> stephen: deray mckesson, everybody. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) folks, you can't make this stuff up. four bandits chose a prius as their getaway car. bravo-niner, in pursuit of a toyota prius. over. how hard is it to catch a prius? over. this thing is actually pretty fast. over. very funny. oh look, a farmer's market. we should get some flowers for the car. yeah! holly!

here we go. ah man, who invited these guys? hey clay, it's cool if we order some delivery? it' s time for you guys to make the right call. we're having digiorno pizza, tfresh-baked in my own oven. t okay. it' s not delivery, it' s digiorno. sfx: cell phone vibrates. yeah? (sigh) you're okay... he's okay, he made it! jason.. what do you mean? we were very bad boys. alexa what's in the news? alexa: here's the news, "alec baldwin and jason schwartzman were seen mooning paparazzi.

photographers before making a run for it". my poor cashmere socks... alexa, will you order another pair of brescianis. reordering bresciani socks. okay listen... can you send some lawyers or something? (moaning)

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,, >> stephen: q? >> number one in australia, number one in england, next number one in america, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my baby lady from australia, grace, singing "you don't own me." ( cheers and applause ) you don't own me i'm not just one of your many toys you don't own me

boys don't tell me what to do and don't tell me what to say and, please, when i go out with you don't put me on display 'cause, you don't own me don't try to change me in any way you don't own me don't tie me down 'cause i'll never stay don't tell me what to do don't tell me what to say just let me be myself that's all i ask of you i'm young and i love to be young

free to live my life the way that i want to say and do whatever i please you don't own me you don't own me ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: grace's debut e.p. is called "memo." we'll be right back after the

cheers and applause ) (donkey sound) (elephant sound) there's a big difference between making noise, (tapping sound) and making sense. (elephant sound) (donkey sound) when it comes to social security, we need more than lip service. our next president needs a real plan to keep social security strong. (elephant noise) hey candidates. enough talk. give us a plan. switch to centurylink prism tv, and get the same great channels cable gives you, without having to deal with cable. yes and? and...there's whole home dvr. plus tons of on demand options so you can watch whatever, whenever. yes and? why do you guys keep saying that? it's the first rule of improv. by saying "yes and," we accept the reality created by our comedy partners, paul. yes, right, i know. do you?

with prism tv from centurylink. rin the middle of a time when senior povertyt is increasing. republicans and some democratsp came up with a brilliant idea for cutting cost-of-living adjustments for social security. we said, "it will be over our dead bodies if you cut social security." as president, i will do everything i can to extend the solvency of social security and expand benefits for people who desperately need them. i'm bernie sanders, and i approve this message. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. before we go, i have a special announcement about babies. so if you don't know how babies are made, leave the room now. it's going to get graphic. i am proud to announce that we have three brand new additions

first, when we were in preproduction on "the late show" we were also in reproduction. because we wwelcome samuel buckly born to michael buckly and my multitalented producer nicole sevini. i have to say samuel is the greatest thing nicole has ever produced. up until daniel craig was able to do the whole scene while holding his head upright, get to work. and a few weeks ago we were joined by decker charles mathison, son of rebecca and andrew mathison, seen here planning a jewelry heist, evidently. ( laughter ) andrew is one of our crack editors here at the late show, so decker, with andrew as your dad, your home movies will be good enough to air on cbs's procedurals. there are plenty of crimes that babies can solve. after all, what is peek-a-boo but an ongoing missing person's case. and we also welcomed mirastar

katherine clark and my writer aaron cohen. aaron is an incredible writer, in fact, he is the one in charge of writing all my adjectives, without him here on staff, i feel-- i don't know what word to use. that was his job. luckily, we've hired an adjective temp and i think it will work out just lumpy. of course you will notice that all these children were conceived before we started work on the show. that's not a coinsedense. that was the last time anyone here was able to make physical contact with the loved one. so to all the new col-babies, i would like to offer a piece of advice when you begin your lives, when the ball goes behind the couch, don't worry, it still exists. that's it for the late show, everyone. now stick around for my friend james corden. good night, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs

>> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from antarctica, give it up for your host, the one, the only, james corden! ( cheers and applause ) >> james: ladies & gentlemen, good evening. thanks for being here! so airbnb is back in the news. you guys know airbnb, the online service where people can rent out their homes as a hotel alternative. well, they are getting a lot of attention for a recent incident in oakland. take a look: >> i'm feeling duped today after

on airbnb. >> she rented out her home to what she thought was an older man from chicago for new year's eve. it really went to a teenager, who threw a rager for his 18th birthday. >> the audacity is beyond me. i mean, like, really, you've done this to our home? ( laughter ) >> james: i am so distracted by that man's fedora and scarf. ( laughter ) come on, did they tape this interview inside their home, or in a casino in 1993? i mean, this story is crazy, right? who would have thought renting out your home on the biggest party night of the year to a total stranger would have ended badly? some-- sometimes, i just think airbnb's slogan should be "airbnb: you sure about this?" ( laughter ) but when the couple returned to their home, they found cigarette butts, broken beer bottles, and even marijuana. and it's pretty serious, because if they file charges against the

could face up to a full year of "being the most popular ( bleep ) in school." ( cheers and applause ) i mean, this couple, they should have known that it was a scam. who wants to vacation in oakland? i have been to oakland. have you been to oakland? have you been to oakland? the average resident looks like this: ( laughter ) you laugh. that man's a pediatrician. okay, but it seems as if airbnb is getting weirder and weirder. because apparently, there is a new trend of college students using airbnb to rent out their dorm rooms, right? with one college student in new york city even renting out his dorm room for $80 a night. i know. it used to be that a sock on the door meant your roommate was getting some action. now it just means that the hendersons are visiting from ( laughter )

across the hall will give you half of his hot pocket if you "crash" by dave matthews on his guitar. you've got 'cher-- you've got 'cher-- one second. ( laughter ) but if you are really looking for that college experience, there is a new service called winston club that will help you find a roommate to split a hotel room with you when you are traveling. all right, so, waking up with a stranger in your hotel room isn't just a nightmare anymore. it's now also an app! the site says that while the main appeal is saving money, many members join to "make friends or meet a new travel companion." okay, just so you know, travel companions are not a thing. like, no one has ever had this conversation-- "hi, i'm tim, and this is my travel companion,

what type of person is in the market for a "travel companion?" "i'm in a rough financial spot and hiding my sexuality. one membership to the winston club, please." but i'm sure the people who founded the winston club are thinking to themselves, "how has no one ever thought of this before?" and then you just know, that in like two months time, they are going to be like, "oh that's why-- it's because of the murders." ( cheers and applause ) all right, shall we have a look and see who our guests are on the show tonight? ( cheers and applause ) we have a talented bunch! here to see me, ladies and gentlemen, in the blue room, she is a talented actor we've all fallen in love with over seven seasons of her hit show "modern family." the gorgeous, the brilliant sarah hyland is here tonight! ( cheers and applause ) hi, sarah, how are you? >> i'm good. how are you? >> james: i'm very good. how's it going? >> we're good. we're just eating these lovely sandwiches you gave us. >> james: yeah, that's what they're there for.

people would eat them. i've already had two. >> james: have you? >> mmm-hmm. >> james: plow into your third. it's good. >> okay, cool. >> james: yeah, there you go. there it is. wow, you really are going for it. that's why we love her. an actress eating carbs. you literally won't see that on any other talk show! sarah hyland, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> james: and in the red room tonight, he is a golden globe and screen actors guild award nominee for his breakout performance in "mr. robot." we are so happy that he's here! rami malek is here tonight, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) electricity, as you just prove >> just this mug. all i got was a mug. >> james: well, go to sarah's room, now, and steal a sandwich.

i have the sandwiches. >> james: oh, you! i could go to sarah's room and have sandwiches, too. >> james: okay. that sounds like a euphamism-- there you go! >> here you go! i got you! >> james: two young actors eating sandwiches, drunk before a talk show, what could possibly go wrong? ladies and gentlemen, rami malek is here tonight! ( cheers and applause ) we love him! and in the orange room, he is an emmy-nominated actor. you know him from "30 rock," "drunk history," "talladega nights." he is the hilarious, the adorable, the brilliant mr. jack mcbrayer! hey, jack! how are ya! >> good, how you doing? >> james: nice to see you! >> you too. >> james: how's it going? there it is, enjoy the smile! jack mcbrayer, everybody! okay, reggie, are you ready? then we shall begin, for he's reggie watts, i'm james corden and this, this is "the late late show." roll the titles!

the late, late show, oh, oh the late, late show, ooh the late, late show, oh, oh the late, late show oh, oh it's the late, late show >> james: thanks for being here. a little reminder, tomorrow night is "the people's choice awards" on cbs at 9:00 pm. i am nominated for favorite late night talk show host. ( cheers and applause ) lovely. so, you know, tune in and see who i lose to. but, no, i tell you what, why i'm telling you this is, it's a lot of fun, jane lynch, who we love, is hosting the show, and last week, jane and i shot a little thing together, like a sketch, that you'll see during the show. it was so much fun.

so be sure to check that out 9:00 pm, cbs tomorrow. you going to be watching, reggie? >> reggie: no. ( laughter ) i don't have tv. ( laughter ) >> james: you know you're on tv now? >> reggie: yeah, i'm on it. >> james: yeah, you're on it, you just don't want it? >> reggie: i just don't have it. >> james: i'm on it, i don't want it. that should be your catch phrase: i'm reggie watts, i'm on it, i don't want it. ( laughter ) for whatever vehicle, mode of transport. >> reggie: doesn't matter. >> james: like, if you were in yeah, i'm on it, i don't want it." >> reggie: yeah. >> james: any drug, "i'm on it, i don't want it." it's absolutely perfect. >> reggie: i love it. to watch the "people's choice awards" tomorrow night? >> i don't have a television. ( ) guillermo, are you going to watch? yeah? ( laughs ) because you love it, you watch every year, right? >> every year. >> james: you voted a lot this year, right? >> i didn't have a chance. too busy.

online and vote? i mean, no wonder we're going to lose, guillermo. with our own drummer in the band. steve, tim? not going to-- ? wow. >> didn't know about it. >> james: you know who did vote? every member of the roots. and that's why you're safe. ( applause ) so once again, i stayed up all night watching videos on youtube and learning new things. it was totally worth it, because i get to share such things with you, now. this is "tonight, i learned!" band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> james: okay, the first thing stay on fire for a really long time. >> oh!

) >> james: when you say "stop, drop and roll," they don't mean roll into the fire. ( laughter ) it's ridicu-- roll away from the fire! that's-- that's the advice. tonight i learned, the best part of weddings is always the cake. ( cheering ) ( laughter ) >> oooh! >> james: so when did your marriage start going wrong? ahh, when we cut the cake! moving on, tonight i learned the secret to cheerleading is to really put your back into it. ( laughter

>> aaaaaah! >> james: do you-- can you-- how far can you get back, reggie? how far? >> reggie: pretty far. >> james: let me see. oh, wow! you're totally doing it! ( cheers and applause ) you're doing it! you're doing it! no way! ( cheers and applause ) that was enough to make me almost scream like those girls in the video! and next up, tonight i learned why my aunt barbara isn't losing weight at the gym. ( laughter ) >> james: you're laughing, she's actually lost two pounds in six years. food poisoning. and finally, tonight i learned a mascot's job doesn't end when the game is over.

) >> james: that was "tonight i learned!" stick around, we have a great show tonight! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) a bull rider is bold. now, a bull rider on a plane... ...is bolder than bold. and if he jumps from that plane... ...that's bolder than bolder and if he jumps while eating... ...in all its crispety-crunchety, ...peanut-buttery glory... ...that's bolder than bolder than bolder than bold! and if he eats it... honey! ...even when his mother tells him not to... you'll spoil your dinner! ...that's... bolder than bolder than bold! bolder than bold. crispety, crunchety, peanut-buttery!

lease a 2016 lincoln mkx for $399 a month only at your lincoln dealer. sfx: cell phone vibrates. yeah? (sigh) you're okay... he's okay, he made it! jason.. what do you mean? we were very bad boys. alexa what's in the news? alexa: here's the news, "alec baldwin and jason schwartzman were seen mooning paparazzi. baldwin threw his shoe at photographers before making a run for it". my poor cashmere socks... alexa, will you order another pair of brescianis. reordering bresciani socks. okay listen... can you send some lawyers or something? (moaning)

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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> james: welcome back. guys, pop culture is cyclical. things go out of fashion, things come back into fashion. that's why we play this next game. this is "kick it out, and bring it back." ( band playing ) kick it out and bring it back kick it out bring it back, now >> james: now, look, the holidays are over, but the real struggle is just beginning. okay, and that's why we're kicking out this next-- and the first thing we're going to kick out tonight, ladies and gentlemen, we are kicking out gift cards. okay, yeah. >> audience: ooooh! >> james: yeah, don't be shocked. don't be shocked. i mean, gift cards -- really? you're giving me a gift card? for christmas? why don't you just wrap up a big pile of "i don't know you" and give me that instead, right? what you think you're saying is

but what you're really saying is "hey, i forgot to get you a present so i bought this at the grocery store on the way to this party." do me a favor, all right? next time just get me nothing, okay? gift cards are a burden. you use them once, and then they always have some weird, un- spendable amount of money left on them. you know what i have in my wallet? my drivers license, a picture of my kids and 28 starbucks gift cards collectively worth $1.45. okay, gift cards, we're kicking you out! ( cheers and applause ) kick it out no good to anyone! no good to anyone not a proper present! it's not a proper present okay, and we're back on, the next thing we're bringing back-- we are bring back the gift of cash. ( cheers and applause ) >> audience: ooooh! >> james: thank you. thank you. you remember that? you remember opening that envelope from your grandmother, pretending to read the front of the card because your mother is like "read the card," and you're like, "yeah, yeah!

right?!" and that's when you that card open to reveal the crispest, flattest $10 bill you've ever seen in your life. did anyone have a problem with that? of course they didn't. cash is a gift card for literally everywhere, right? it works at starbucks and it works at the mall and the hospital. guess what? cash-- cash is the only gift card my drug dealer accepts, and if it's good enough for him, it's good enough for me and it's damn sure good enough for christmas. the gift of cash, we're bringing you back! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) bring it back smells like money! smell that money two fives and a ten, why not! two fives and a ten, why not thank you! thank you okay, now-- ( band playing ) what was that? ( laughter ) the next thing we're kicking out, okay, while the kicking's good: we're kicking out new years gym membership deals. okay? ( cheers and applause

thank you! because, listen up, gyms, don't act like you're doing me a favor by giving me an amazing deal. $15 a month? that's not enough money to make me go to the gym. all you're doing with your low, low prices is ensuring that i never set foot on a treadmill for the rest of my life. you actually want me to go to the gym? charge me $500 a month. okay, i'll stick to my new year's resolution, because i can't afford not to, and i'll lose weight twice as fast, because i also can't afford food, right? if you want your personal trainer to kick my butt, tell him to aim at my back right pocket because that's where my wallet is, and don't worry, it won't hurt, because i have 28 starbucks gift cards in there. new years gym membership deals, we're kicking you out! ( cheers and applause ) kick you out make it more than netflix! make it more than netflix then i'll go! then i'll go okay, and with that gone-- ( laughs

with that gone, it makes room for me to bring back one of my personal favorites: we are bringing back, right here, right now, infomercial exercise equipment. ( cheers and applause ) okay, yeah. thank you! i'm talking the bowflex, i'm talking the gazelle, i'm talking about watching a commercial for the thigh master, i'm talking about thinking we're actually going to get abs in eight minutes, okay. these infomercials were the greatest thing. like, do you remember the first time you ever saw the shake weight? do you remember the shake weight? it was pure magic. we all remember-- it was like this. it was like this. ( laughter ) now, no, don't-- ( cheers and applause ) because if your tv-- if your tv is on mute right now, this looks like a very different show. ( laughter ) all right, but there-- also, listen, there is nothing more poetic in life than getting drunk, going on-line, ordering

and having no idea why there's a brand-new bowflex sat on your front door, okay. that's why infomercial exercise equipment, we're bringing you back. ( cheers and applause ) bring you back chest expander! chest expander even just the hand weight things! even just the hand weight things okay, and the next thing we are kicking out, and i hope you're going to come with me on this, because it dawned on us the other day and we're passionate about this one. we are kicking out, splitting the final movie of a franchise into two movies. ( cheers and applause ) you know what i'm talking about. they did it with harry potter, the hunger games and twilight, and they're about to do it to the avengers, okay. we all see what's going on here. hollywood, you're acting like "oh, we couldn't possibly fit all this story into one tiny movie." and if that's the case, just give us one long movie. i'll sit through it, because that way i'll only have to buy one movie ticket, i'll only have to find one parking spot, i'll only have to buy one large

one box of frozen butter finger bites, one hot dog with everything on it, one salted pretzel, one personal-sized pizza, one family sized bag of reese's pieces, one candy necklace and one small diet soda, because i'm watching my weight. ( cheers and applause ) splitting the final movie of a franchise into two movies, we're kicking you out! kicking you out it's not good enough! it's not good enough the whole thing's a racket, hollywood! the whole thing's a racket, hollywood okay, and with that gone-- with that gone, we are bringing back something that's very important to me. we are bringing back oscar movies that people actually see. ( cheers and applause ) okay, last year, the best picture winner was "birdman." right? it was an incredible movie. i watched it, i loved it, and laughter ) "12 years a slave?" a true work of art, but i'm never going to call up a friend like "hey man, want to order a pizza and watch "12 years a slave" on blu-ray?" those films are great, they're important, but what happened to