live"! >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- shshuille o'neal, from "how to be single," alison brie, and music from banners, with cleto and the cletones. d now, more than likiky, [ cheers and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] progogm, my name is jimmy.

that's very nice. and i appreciate it. but you're here on a very special night for someone else. tonight is our very own guillermo's birthday. happy birthday, guillermo. [ cheers and applausus] >> jimmy: 45 years ago today, a drunken stork stumbled into a hospital in mexico and out of his bindle rolled a little mustashioed guillermo. guillermo doesn't know this but i got in touch with h s mom and she gave us photographs ofofou over the years. that's right, let's look at them. all right, guillermo in a baseball uniform. what position did you play, guillermo? >> guillermo: catcher. >> jimmy: oh, nice. i played catcher too. all right. let's keep going. what's going on here? >> guillermo: it was my birthday, me and my grandma. >> jimmy: she has the same birthday? >> guillermo: no, it t s my birthday. >> jimmy: : see, okay. this next one is a classic

[ cheers and applause ] that's the day his moustache was born. how old were you when you had that moustache? >> guillermo: i think i was 18. >> jimmy: 18? \ou look like you're 8. this is guillermo and his mom elba. is that a lamp on top of a christmas tree by the way? >> guillerer: yeah. >> jimmy: now this picture is one of my favorites. this is one i've seen before. looks like you guys are up to no good here, huh? are you selling scorpions concert t-shirts? >> guillermo: yeah, to buy beer. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: were those officially licensed t-shirts or no? >> guillermo: no, make. >> jimmy: you had to make them. i believe we have one more. you have to look closely here. guillermo is dressed up. [ laughter ]

why were you dressed as a woman? >> guillermo: i think it was halloween. >> jimmy: oh. i don't think it was halloween. let's look at that again. zoom back over the p pple dancing. yeah, that's some kind of a hairy-legged sex party going on. maybe that's your quintera, i don't know. >> guillermo: that was my uncle. >> jimmy: your uncle, all right. well, you've come a long way, i will say that. happy birthday. we have something special plan for you so don't feel neglected. did donald trump call you to wish you a happy birthday today? >> guillermo: no! >> jimmy: he did not, another slap in the face. donald trump is refusing to take part in the debate on fox news tomorrow night because megyn kelly, one of the moderators there, is someone he does not like. this morning he tweeted, i refuse to call megyn kelly a bimbo because that would not be politically correct. instead i will only call her a lightweight reporter. well, that's considerate, at

by the way -- he said that at 5:45 a.m. this is what he woke up thinking. this w w in his brain at 5:4:4-- you have to hand it to him, trump insults more women by 6:00 a.m. than most people do all year. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the reason that he doesn't like her, he claims that megyn kelly is unfair, which that makes sense. fox news has aong and dark history being unfair to republicans. [ laughter ] en did the republican race for president turn intnt"the real housewives"? but either way -- i have to believe jeb bush is excited. it's like when the bully stays home sick from school, you get one day of not getting beat up. speaking of staying home that school, this is wcbs new york. they had a reporter in the street talking to people outside braving winter storm jonas. they happened upon a father and son who were on an unusual mission. >> you just came from where? >> from shopping at the only store open on 86th street because my man did so well on

and we went up and got it. but now they're closing. >> you got good marks? and you wanted hand lotion? as good as coal, right? >> yeah. >> want to make sure our hands stay moisturized. >> that's good. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i think we need to watch that again. >> you just came from where? >> we just came from shopping at la cetena, the only store open on 86th street. my man here did so well on his test he wanted hand lotion and we got and it now they're closing. >> you got good marks? d you wanted hand lotion? because it's cold, right? >> yeah. >> make sure our hands stay moisturized. >> thahas good. >> jimmy: wait a minute. is what i think going on here going on here? what kind of a kid gets rewarded with hand lotion? let's watch that one more time. [ laughter ] >> you just came from where? >> shopping at the only store

my man here did so well on his test he just wanted some hand lotion and we went up and got it. now they're closing. >> let me ask you, you got good marks and you wanted hand lotion? because it's cold, right? >> yeah. >> makes your hands stay moisturized. >> have a great night. >> jimmy: yeah, have a great ght. and we havavto go find a lock for his bedroom dodo. that and the lotion. that's either a really good dad or a really weird dad. maybe -- probably both, actually. we have a very big show for you literally, shaquille o'neal is with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] one of the greatest players of nba history. also has more nicknames than any player in nba history. shaq diesel, shaq fool, loveshaq, manny shaqiao, baby shaq ribs, shaqty shaq don't talk back, give the dog a bone shaq, shaq old son, the old shaq magic. you name it, he's named it. it was not easy to get shaq

i had to trade my cow for magic beans, plant the beansnsand climb a beanstalk to his home in the clouds to get him. also music from banners. and "how to be single" alison brie is with us. >> hi, jimmy! hi! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you're just a little bibiearly. like -- yeah. >> no, no, i wanted to know if you'd like to buy girl scout cookies. all the talk show hosts are buying them. ellen bought 400 boxes. >> aren't you a little old to be in the girl scouts? >> jimmy. i'm not sellllg them, my kids are selling them. >> jimmy: you have kids? >> yes, i do. >> jimmy: are you sure? >> yes. they're here. they're right here. come on out, kids! ththe's my girls. >> jimmy: hi, kids. >> my beautiful girls. >> jimmy: these are your -- >> my daughters. >> jimmy: because one of them looks like he's -- >> no, this is a girl.

>> jimmy: hi, lady. hi, kids. >> lady and other -- other one. >> jimmy: is this your mom? what's her name? >> they just call me mommy. just stop [ bleep ]ing around and buy the damn cookies. >> jimmy: i'm sorry, kids, all right, all right. >> just pie them. >> jimmy: how many did you say ellen bought? >> 400. >> jimmy: oh mygod, how much is 400? >> $2,000. >> jimmy: i only have a $5,000 bill. would you cover this for me, guillermo? >> guillermo: son of a benefit. >> guillermo has your money. >> get the money! >> jimmy: take it easy. i'll see you in a minute. >> got it! >> jimmy: don't take the whole wallet. >> we might still have time to get to dr. phil, come on! >> jimmy: all right, that stunk. it's his birthday! we have to take a break. when we come back there is a vicious twitter feud happening rit now between wiz khalifa and kanye west. and also to celebrate guillermo's birthday we went to great expense to build a tequila

this is a funnel that starts on our roof, it runs all the way down to our studio. 432 feet. we believe this is the longest tequila funnel in human history. and when we come back, we will put it to use. we'll be right back so stick around.

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back. still to come, alison brie and music from banners. in the meantime, to celebrate guillerer's 45th birthday today we built -- when i say we i do not mean me, kidd i did nothing for this -- someone here built a 432-foot-long margarita funnel.

it runs up four flights of stairs to our roof. what we're going to try to do is have guillermo pour tequila and margarita mix into the funnel, then run down the stairs and make it here in time to beat the liquid down to have a victory sip for your birthday. >> guillermo: okay. >> jimmy: all right, very good. ready? think you can do this? >> guillermo: i'll try my best. >> jimmy: go to the roof now so you're up there and ready. there goes guillermo. [ cheers and applausus] >> jimmy: there's a very good chance that guillermo will die tonight. because if the tequila doesn't kill him, running the stairs will. r. kelly did something strange as he has been known to do. "gq" released a video in which r. kelly sings his lifi story, unscripted, he just sings the story of his life, for 45 minutes nonstop. i watched the whole thing this morning. well, this is how it starts.

many things those so many things brought me all of my dreams now here i am here i am today y-y-y-y-y >> jimmy: and so on for 45 minutes. it's unbelievable. [ cheers and applause ] amazing. you think about it, , lieving that anyone would want to hear you sing about your life for 45 minutes isn't much crazier than believing you can fly. the only time you should turn & your life story into a song is if you're davy crockett. that's just me. instead of megyn kelly fox news should use r. kelly to derate that debate. [ cheers and applause ] trump would be okay with that, right? kanye west is in another twitter feud and the good news is this

this time it's a lot to digest but basically what happened was kanye revealed that he was changing the title o ohis new album for the third d me. an album he's already calling the greatest album of all-time. changing it from "swish" to "waves." he tweeted new a aum title waves. so with khalifa, another rapper, said please don't take the wave, max b. is the wavy one, he createddhe wave, there is nono wave without him. max b. is a rapper from harlem who uses the word wavy to describe his style, a singsong style of rapping. and wiz is concerned kanye would co-opt that if he named his album "waves." wiz tweeted, hit this kk and become yourself. now kanye went nuts. because wihas a kid with kanye's ex, amber rose. kanye asasmed kk stood for kimim kardashian. he hit back with a string of angry posts, a lot of them.

initials on my twitter, wiz khalifa, first of all you sole your s from cutty, second your single was corny's f, and most thereafter. wiz responded, kk is weed, fool. reasons why you're not wave, you go back to swiss. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this i ion the i did not know either. kk is a nickname for marijuana. just what marijuana needed, another nickname. but kanye, who didn't know this, was still going off. he tweeted, you have d dtracted from my creative process. no one i know has ever listened to one of your albums all the way through. then he got personal. you let us a stripper trap you. i know you're mad every time you look at your child and that this girl got you for 18 years. i am your o.g., i will be respected as such. you own waves, i own your child, he says. but then kanye twewes, and this is where it gets weird.

twitter and you were wearing cool pants. i screen grabbed those pants and sent it to my style team. #wizwearscoolpants. i guess he realized at this time that kk didn't stand for kim kardashian. i'm happy i know that kk means weed, please excuse the confusion. now back to #waves. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he says he came up with waves. all this timimi thought it was the ocean that created waves. but i guess not. i do have to believe that tupac and biggie are watching this and saying, you've got to be kidding me. all right, let's go to the roof, guillermo is standing by. he is ready, waiting. tequila and margarita. how much tequila have you already had today? >> guillermo: a lot, jimmy. >> jimmy: tell us what's going to happen here. you pour those in? >> guillermo: before i tell you something, from the bottom of my heart, we' got to get new writers.

[ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, well. as long as you speak from the bottom of your heart. all right, on the count of uno, dos, tres -- load it up! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimim: slow down, guillermo, slow down, you're going too fast! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: he's been training for this his whole life. there he goes. [ cheers and applause ] look how fit, think if you did this every time. all right. whatever this cost us, it was well worth it. here he comes.

this is your version of a half marathon. are you sure you poured it? there it is! [ cheers and applausus] very good. guillermo, everybody! you don't have to drink alof it. you don't have to drink it all. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: happy birthday, guillermo. tonight, music from banners, alison brie is here. we'll be right back with shaquille o'neal! [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by icy hot smart relief tens therapy. turn on smart relief and turn off chronic pain in your back, hips, knees, and shoulders. (stranger) good mornin'! (store p.a.) attention shoppers,

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>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. tonight, from the new movie "how to be single" alison brie is here. then latermaking his network

self-titled e.p. all the way frfr the u.k., banners from the samsung stage. tomorrow night, ewan mcgregor, hannibal buress, and we'll have music from tory lanez. plplse join us for all of that. by the way my security guard is hammered right now. completely drunk. >> guillermo: only a little bit. >> jimmy: apparently he had trouble at a restaurant called casa vega. we're getting intotohat. we'll get to the bottom of it. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest is a giant in the world of sports -- and a giant really just in the world. he has four nba championship rings on his fingers and a superman tattoo on his arm. watch him on tnt thursdays on "inside the nba." please say hello to shaquille o'neal. [ cheeee and applause ]

>> jimmy: how's it going? >> doing fine, how are you >> jimmy: doing well, thank you. i feel like you're getting bigger somehow. >> yes, i am. working out. >> jimmy: thank you for coming on guillermo's birthday. did you bring him a gift? did you know it was his birthday? >> no, but i like to sing happy birthday to him. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that would be lovely. >> i need the crowd participation. >> jimmy: all right, all right. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, this is nice. >> no, no, just relax. happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear guillermo happy birthday to you [ cheers and applause ]

a little guillermo bongo. >> guillermo, you got a nice ass, baby. hey, that was nice. >> jimmy: that's why we hired him, yeah, yeah. by the way, you know howo throw a party, don't you. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you have big parties at your house? >> i used to when i was younger. >> jimmy: you used to. you had a big party for your son's birthday. his 16th birthday. >> yes, i did. >> jimmy: how many people were at that party? >> like 300 little screaming kids. >> jimmy: 3030kids. chuck e. cheese? at the house? where did you have it? >> somewhere around jefferson's, a little art gallery i rented out, we had food trucks outside, it was a asome. >> jimmy: this is what i really thought was interesting. this is your son right here, sharif. >> yes. >> jimmy: this is his birthday present. you got him a jeep. which is really nice. looks lili it's customized. but in addition to the jeep, you also got him a lamborghini.

a academic incentive gift. >> jimmy: an incentive gift. >> yea even though i bought the lamborghini, it's in my garage. e deal is if you getetll a's this semester or any semester before you graduate, it's yours. >> what if he doesn't, then whose lamborghini is it? >> when he turns 18 maybe i'll give to it him but probably not. probobly after he graduates from college. but it's in the garage, sitting, chilling, relaxing. >> jimmy: can you fit into the lamborghini? >> i got it specially done for him. >> jimmy: because he is tall as well? >> 6'10" right now. >> jimmy: you're lucky he didn't come out of you, you know? [ laughter ] >> you're right. you're right. >> jimmy: by the way, "inside the nba" i think is not just the best sports show, i think it's one of the best shows on television. [ cheers and applausus] i love watching you guys. i love when you and barkley go at it.

>> jimmy: barkley weighs more? >> his middle nana is shamu. of course. >> jimmy: and you guys like to give each other -- >> this is all muscle. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> trust me, all muscle. right now i haveve 4.9 pack. not a 6 pack. a 4.9. 6 pack is coming. >> you work out every day? >> every day. >> jimmy: sit-ups? >> i don't do situps. >> what do you do? >> a lot of weights, swimming. >> do you ever go out and push buildings over that kind of thing? >> i used to. >> jimmy: this lamborghini needs to move! the big nba story this week was blake griffin n the clippers is injured, he's going to be out four to six weeks because he punched his assistant equipment manager in -- i don't know where he punched him. but is that t have there been dumber -- like in your experience as a player have you heard of anything dumber than that? >> i he. but this is -- i can't tell it on this show. >> jimmy: is that ririt? >> yeah.

know -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: -- getting injured. >> yeah. >> jimmy: they make up a story? >> yeah. >> jimmy: they do? >> big story. i can't even repeat it. >> jimmy: do y y think you could -- >> stitches is stitches, you can't do that. >> jimmy: do you think they could keep it quiet now just with the internet and social media? >> these days,o. >> jimmy: these days, no, you have to tell the truth. >> it's very unfortunate. because the clippers are almost on their way. and, you know, he's a superstar player. so whenever things d't go right, the superstar player's the first guy to get blamed. so if they happen not to win, and they won't win this year anyway, even with him on the court. i'm just saying. you know. if they happen to get to a certain point, they don't make it, theyeye always going to lolo back at t is incident. you know, playoffs, going to the playoffs, it's all about certain positions, certain game. so let's just say they're four games out of second spot, they would have ended up playing denver in the first round, rather than sacramento or somebody.

to the four to six weeks that he missed because he punched somebody. >> jimmyhave you ever punche a guy, like for real? i'm not talking about -- >> yes. >> jimmy: -- like in a boxing ring. >> yes, of course. >> jimmy: this is a guy -- is he still on this planet? >> he's on mars right now. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> the movie "the martian." >> jimmy: matt damon? wow. what time do you wake up in the morning? i heard -- >> i don't wake up in the morning. >> what time do you go to bed? >> 4:00, 5:00. >> jimmy: 4:00, 5:00 a.m.? every night? >> we get off at 2:30, takes hour to get home, then flipping through the channels, i'm sleeping around 4:00, 5:00. jimmy: you have a t tm of servants that wake you and wash you -- >> no, not anymore. >> jimmy: you don't have any of that stuff? >> no. >> jimmy: why not? why did you give that up? >> different time, i'm retired. >> jimmy: the lakers retired your jersey. >> yes. [ cheers and applause ]

usually only given after you're inducted into the hall of fame. >> right. >> jimmy: which you most certainly will coming up here. when is the hall of fame duction ceremony? >> they say they're going to make an announcement at all-star weweend, so hopefully i'm a big part of that annououement. >> jimmy: i would think you would be. you absolutely have to be. >> i hope so. >> jimmy: or else somebody's going to get hit again. >> you're right. >> jimmy: have you started thinking about your speech and what you will say? >> no. not yet. >> jimmy: you have not. have you thought about who will introduce you? >> well, if i get picked i will love to have dr. j., magic johnson, and dale brown bring me in. >> jimmy: nice. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's a pretty good group. do you have -- is it like baseball where you have to chse a team? can you choose to go in as a laker? how wiwi you -- will you have to make a decision? >> i've already made my decision. if i'm that good and they invite me or if they say i'm good enough to be in the hall of fame, i'll probably go in as a lakeke

>> jimmy: i like that. now, the lakers have another thing, outside the staples ceer, there are statue put those up on the wall. i want to look a athese. you can see they've got jerry west, they've got magic, they've got kareem, they've got -- well, i think -- you see what this is right now? what i'm showing you? >> yes. >> jimmy: you don't know about this. this is a surprise to you. the lakers asked me to mention it. this is the statue of you they're putting up at the staples ceceer. [ chchrs and applause ] >> is it? >> jimmy: yes. >> jimmy: i swear to god. this is not a joke. i swear to god. >> jimmy: that's it, that's what it's going to o ok like. [ cheers and applause ] >> you're playing. i don't believe you. >> jimmy: i'm stupid but i'm not that stupid, believe me. this is for real. m not kidding at all. that is an artist rendering of the statue that is going to go up of you outside the staples center.

dding. i imagine e ere are going to be some profane photographs taken with this kind of a thing. i mean, really. look at me right up here. so congratulations to you on that. that's a pretty big deal. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i know@you still think i'm kidding but i'm not. >> you are. >> jimmy: shshuille o'neal, watch "insnse the nba" thursday nights on tnt. we'll be right back, don't go away! i'm going to share a photo of my eggo waffle when it pops up.that's so interesting honey because i'm going to share a photo of my eggo waffle when it pops up. l'eggo my eggo l'eggo my iggo (answering machine) hey! leave a message. hi, i know you're there, 'cause i can see you. i'm calling you to tell you to l'eggo my eggo!

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i'm jimmy kimmel. as a talk show host i'm on my feet and in frfrt of my computer all day. sometimes my back hurts. >> guillermo: is as a security guard i'm also on my feet all day. it hurts m mknees. >> i i shaquille o'neal. as a former nba player, my whole body hurts. >> jimmy: really? >> really. why do you say really? >> jim-y: well, let's be honest. you weren't exactly sprinting up and down the court. >> guillermo: high five! ha ha ha! ow! >> how about now? are you in pain now? >> jimmy: yes! >> guillermo: i'm in a lot of pain! >> t tt's why we have icy hot's smart t lief tens therapy. right? >> jimmy: yes, right, i'll try it on my back. >> guillermo: me too, i'll use it on my knees.

>> i'm not done talking. >> jimmy: i'm starting to lose consciousness. >> shut up. this is the same therapy used by doctors. >> jimmy: okay, anything else? >> yes! it stops pain immediately. >> jimmy: all ght, can you let us go, please? >> now go use them on your sore back and knees. >> jimmy: all right. >> guillermo: wow, youure know a lot about pain, mr. shaquille o'neal. >> jimmy: you should have seen him shoot free throws, that was very painful. [ laughter ] >> guillermo: ha ha ha! >> dicky: icy hot smartrelief tens therapy. turn on smart relief and turn off chronic pain in your back,

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hey. something new has rived. and it works in the middle of anywhere. [ ding ] the new iphone 6s on u.s. cellular lets you stay connected where other networks don't. [ chuckles ] the new iphone 6s on u.s. cellular. together you can do more. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we are back. still to come, music from bannnns. our next guest is a a lented actress whom you know from the show "community" and the movie "get hard." she has an informational and entertaining new comedy called "how to be single." it opens in theaters february 12th. please say helloo alison brie.

>> jimim: how are you? be careful, yoyodon't want to slip into the shaq indentation in the couch. >> i feel so small on the chair now. >> jimmy: i know. now i feel like i'm the bione again. >> i should take shaq everywhere with me so then everywhere i go i feel super petite when i walk in. >> jimmy: don't you feel super petite in general? >> yeah. >>immy: well, yeah. do you want a shot off the margarita funnel? we could load it up, it will tata about a minute to come down. >> i think i'm okay. >> jimmy: you don't drink out of funnels? >> happy birthday. >> guillermo: thank you very much. >> jimmy: yeah, he's having a rough night. >> i saw. >> jimmy: we got intntsome stuff during the commercial break, guillermo's having troubles at home. anyway. are you a drinker yourself? >> i'm not a big drinker these days. >> jimmy: you were at one titi? >> i've gone through phases of drinking a lot. definitely when i was in college. >> jimmy: right. >> i opened the door to it. and i studied abroad a bit in

>> jimmy: you did. >> so you have to drink a lot when you're over there. >> jimmy: that's true. >> a general rule. >> jimmy: i've not been over there but it does seem that that is kind of the way. even like on campus? >> oh, yeah. i mean, my first day -- i don't think i started classes yet, and the dean of admissiohs took myself and the other flreign exchange student into his office and offered us sherry. >> jimmy: : e dean? >> theheean. he was so scottish. it just felt right. i mean, and we were sort of very innocent at the time. i sort of remember us looking at each other like, should ? then we felt very refined, like i do, i do always when starting a new school. i'd love a glass of sherry, thank you, sir. >> jimmy: wow, that's crazy. did you u joy being in scotlanan >> i loved it, loved it. aside from the drinking. no, it was just the drinking. >> jimmy: mostly the drinking? >> it was really great. there's a lot of churches that are turned into baba, which is a coco thing. >> jimmy: yeah. >> you don't see that in l.a.

do. occasionally. there is one called the abbey that was an abbey. >> oh, interesting. >> jimmy: yeah. >> well, okay. but a thing you don't see in l.a. which is my favorite thing that i ever saw in scotland was, it was 9:00 a.m., i was walking to school, and i just saw a scottish bagpiper in full garb playing and then just fall over, pass out drunk in the middle of the street. just like a tree branch. it was my quintesscntial scottish moment. >> jimmy: what could be more scsctish than that? >> it was amazing. >> jimmy: did anyone help him? >> no, i ran over to see if he was wearing underwear. under the kilt. it's true, they don't, under the kilt. >> jimmy: just like the song, they didn't wear it. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very considerate of you. >> yeah, i thought i'd check it out. >> jimmy: pretty sure that's a sex crime by the way. >> he didn't seem to mind. >> jimmy: in this movie you shot in new york, was that a fun experience for you? >> so fun. >> jimmy: in the city on the streets there? >> it was so fun.

we have such a great cast. it was really great. to shoot in the city, the city never sleeps. >> jimmy: that's what i've heard. >> it was great. we shot a lot. the movie is about dating and single life and we spend a lot of time shooting in baba and late at night. we were constantly surrounded by a lot of drunk people who were genuinely going out and having a good night. one night we had to be -- we were asked maybe not to turn to our trailers just yet because there was a couple fornicating against them. >> jimmy: oh, against them, okay. >> or maybe like right in front of the i like tc think they were standing. >> jimmy: really? >> leaning against the trailer. >> jimmy: and they felt it would be rude for you to interrupt them? >> yes. they said, let them finish. and we did. >> jimmy: the movi your character in the movie dates a lot of very horrible guys,s, right? >> they're not the best, you're right, they're not. >> jimmy: have you had that experience yourself? where you've been on these terrible dates with weird ople? >> no. i feel like i'm letting down the

>> jimmy: it's okay. >> i've not been on a lot of bad dates. but i've had a recent stalker. so that's sort of -- >> jimmy: oh, no. really? >> oh, don't like that. >> jimmy: no, no. that's a weird thing to share, yeah. >> it is. do you want to hear about my stalker? >> jimmy: of course i want to hear about your stalker. this will really excite him. [ laughter ] >> so a few months ago we started having little gifts left on the frontlawn of my house. >> jimmy: oh. >> sort of like inside the gate. so there's a gated entry. but within the gate, very specific kind of food, half-eaten food items left. like on this one part of the grass near the front door -- it was a very specicic part. i'm not doing it justice. it's a very specific part of the lawn to have something left on. first i thought maybe a hiker just threwheir trash over. it would be like baja fresh, or taco bell. >> jimmy: right. >> and sort of just be laying there. at first it was anger in that way.

neighbor who like thinks we don't recycle enough, even though we totally do. but then it started to get even more specific. there would be a whole foods container with just a fork stabbed through the center of it. alalys in the same placece >> j jmy: that's no good. >> so we debated putting up cameras. but cameras are just so expensive. and i kind of wavted to stay up late and just see if we could catch -- i felt like someone was messing with u u it was very annoying. one night i caught him in the act. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> yes. so i'd had some groceries delivered. don'n'worry about it. instacart is a cool thing. they had been -- it's sort of been sitting out. i'd take the groceries inside, i was going through, there were things missing. i was angrily e-mailing instacart. my nuts are missing! >> jimmy: oh, that is -- >> they thought i was sexually harassing them, it was herrible.

could be terrible. >> did it just fall out of the bag? so i went out front to look. and there he was. standing in the driveway. standing between the little patch of grass that already had food on it and my stairs. and he was about four feet tall, beady eyes. it was a coyote. >> jimmy: oh! [ applause ] >> it was not as bad as i thought it was going to be. >> jimmy: yeah, but that's -- is sounds bad in a way. >> it was a little dangerous. >> jimmyyeah, yeah. i reprimanded him. >> jimmy: you tell them to go. >> they don't move. i stood there for ten minutes like, it was you! get out of here! what the hell, how dare you! and he wouldn't listen. he charged at me. >> jimmy: right. >> up onto my stairs. i tried to posture and be like, hooh! what i feel like guys are going to do when they get in a fistfight, h hh! >> jimmy: and? >> it did not deter him.

thing. >> felt safe in a big house. >> jimmy: wow. you're sexually attractive to coyotes, who would have guessed. >> i know. but now it's okay to have his eyes on me. he hasn't been back. i shamed him enough with my words. >> jimmy: you reasoned with him what is you did. it's very good to see you. i'm glad you survived the scare. alison brie, everybody! "how to be single" opens february 12th. be right back with banners! [ cheers and applause ]

samsung. >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concererseries is presented by samsung. >> jimmy: thanks to shaquille o'neal, alison brie. apologies to matt dan, we ran out of time. "nightline" is next but firsrs this is his self-titlelee.p., making his late night tv debut with the song "shine a light" banners!

ooh light will lead the way will set you free oohohoh ooh ooh ooh ooh 'cause i'm only looking for a little peace and when the night falls oh, call on me just don't forget to show me some mercy ooh say you're mine ooh take me higher oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on

shine a light on me 'cause i was lost at sea while the waves were dragging me underneath oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on she a light on me on me searching for some grace i'll tell you now if i could hear your voice how sweet the sound i'm pying please don't don't let me drown just carry me away to solid ground

me higher oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on shine a light on me oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on shine a light on me 'cause i was lost at sea while the waves were dragging me underneath oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on shine a light on me ooh ooh ooh ooh oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on shine a light on me oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on

'cause i was lost at sea while the waves were dragging me underneath oh-oh-oh-oh shine a light on

ooh ooh ooh ooh