>emotional freedom is a path to peace. >>dr. judith orloff psychiatrist and new york times best selling author, specializes in helping people free themselves from negative emotions. >it is a commitment to leading a life that is not fear-driven. >>she will share down-to-earth steps that will help you take control of fear, anger, frustration and other challenging emotions. >when you make that commitment it changes everything. >>get ready to transform your life and obtain emotional freedom, now. >hello everyone - i'm so happy to be here

and see you tonight and i'm so excited to be talking about emotional freedom with you and how to take home practical, do-able action steps for daily life that will make your life easier, happier and freer. this is how it works. imagine running late and bei stuck in a gigantic traffic jam but feeling perfectly calm. imagine feeling centered instead of upset when your supervisor loses her temper. imagine having your mother-in-law criticize you but not letting it get to you or taking it personally. this is what emotional freedom is all about. the way i'm defining emotional freedom is that it's the ability to own the moment no matter what you're experiencing. to be able to have a choice about how you respond, instead of just reacting, like most people do. it's also a commitment to leading a life that is not

fear-driven, to the best of your ability. every day, trying to focus on a life that is not fear-driven. this is so important; and when you make that commitment, it changes everything. the way i define a good person is it's somebody who knows that they have a negative side, but chooses to come from the positive. that's a choice. it's not denying the negative, it's choosing to come from what's most positive within you. and i love the way a patient of mine puts it about self-esteem. she said, "i'm just striving to be the person that my dog thinks i am." and, you know, i've had it with epiphanies. i have. i really treasure those little moments of everyday life where you make positive changes. as a psychiatrist, i've seen these are the most lasting. you know, there's so many people that have these changing moments and they're wonderful - the burning bush - but i wouldn't wait around for them.

i would use the beautiful moments that you're given in everyday life to practice the principles of emotional freedom. and i love what the poet gwendolyn brooks says about life - and she says, "conduct your blooming in the noise and the whip of the whirlwind." "conduct your blooming in the noise and the whip of the whirlwind." that means in everyday life. you wake up in the morning, you go out your front door and there it all is. that's where you practice. now, that's the beautiful thing. i love the mundane world. it's a place to practice emotional freedom. and just to get started, i want to give you three quick tips that you can use in your life. you can practice these right away. number one: pause when agitated. take a breath; do not react. this is a general tip for emotional freedom. pause when agitated, then you won't say things that you regret. and number two: make a vow -

don't pick up the phone, send an e-mail or have a conversation with anybody when you're not in a centered place. make that vow, that's step number two. and step number three is: don't turn a frustrating 10 minutes into a frustrating day. now, we all have the power of choice, and you could continue being frustrated all day or not. so, if you practice those three tips, that could change a lot right away in your life. where you focus your attention is essential. i'm so passionate about emotional freedom for a number of reasons. one is that our world is in the midst of an emotional meltdown and we don't have the strategies to deal with fear, to deal with worry, to deal with anxiety. and so, i want to offer you those strategies. the second is that i was trained in a very traditional medical system where the mind-body-spirit aspects

of emotion really weren't understood. in fact, the word spiritual was never brought up in my training - never, never. i was taught to really deal with the biological aspects of emotion and give out medication, but i was never taught about the spirituality of emotions or the energetics of emotions. and so, i know as a psychiatrist there are so many more options available to us than i was given in my training, and that's what i want to present to you about emotional freedom. and then, the third reason that i was so passionate to write about this subject was because of my mother. and she really inspired me for this. mothers can be the most powerful teachers, can't they? i come from a lineage of 25 physicians in my family and both of my parents were doctors - and i have aunts and uncles - and i come from a whole family of physicians. and my mother was a family practitioner in beverly hills

and she had a wonderful practice for 40 years. at age 70, she decided to take her medical board exam again. and this test is so rigorous: it's like the bar. it just puts people through the wringer to take it, and she felt she needed to take it at age 70 to prove that she was a good doctor. and she had an incredible practice - i remember when i was a teenager, she took me to see mick jagger in the hospital and she made chicken soup for him. so, she took me on house calls with her when i was a little girl and she was one of the best doctors i've ever known in my life, but she had self doubts and she didn't believe in her own magnificence. so she put herself through hell when she took this test. i watched her, as her only child, just lacerate herself with negative thoughts and self-doubts, and there was nothing i could do, there was nothing my father or i could do to stop her. and so, it was heart-wrenching for me to see my mother go through this and - you know, my mother/myself, you know -

i carry some of the same qualities that my mother has: the inner slave-driver, the self-doubts. but the difference between me and my mother and the commitment i have to emotional freedom is that i'm going to be mindful and aware of the fear, of my worry, of my self-doubts, and i'm going to work with them to the best of my ability all of my life to transform that, as i have, what's in me, just a desire, a passion not to let darkness win, and i'll go down for the count before darkness wins. you're all nodding - i'm so glad you feel the same way - that's so important, because that's part of emotional freedom, but that means facing the self and dealing with what's in there. and so, that's what changes in terms of emotional freedom - when you can make that commitment - that's the beauty of it. now, i want to introduce you to five questions in a quiz to determine how emotionally free you are now. do you all want to find out? all right. the first question is - and you answer 'mostly yes' or 'mostly

no' - when i'm stuck in a traffic jam, a long line, or if something doesn't happen on my timetable, i have patience. mostly yes - how many people? how many people? oh, we have a, oh, and this side is patient. mostly no? all right, that's very honest. question 2: if i'm angry with someone, i'll breathe and center myself before i react. mostly yes? all right. mostly no? okay. number 3: i fall asleep quickly and i don't worry about tomorrow's to-do list. oh, there are a few of you, oh, there may be half the audience. four: i'm good at setting limits with people who drain my energy. mostly yes? there, you've learned haven't you? and mostly no? all right, that's an important skill to learn. and the fifth question:

after a hard day, i treat myself lovingly rather than beating myself up for what's gone wrong. mostly yes? beautiful. mostly no? honest, very good. the way i would suggest working with these questions is to see it as a beginning, to see it as a baseline for where you're at now so that you can grow. part of emotional freedom is honesty and just seeing where you're at and being self-compassionate and working with that. that's the way to start - instead of beating yourself up. the way i define progress is that you beat yourself up a little bit less each day. i think that's a realistic way to look at it. and very self-compassionate - always - as you're going through this process. i divide emotions up into four aspects, and i want to discuss those with you. the first aspect is the biology of emotions, and this is really important to understand because

we have a choice about harnessing our own biology. but to do that, we have to understand something very basic, which is the fight or flight response. are you all familiar with that? let me explain it to you because you've got to be very clear about this. the fight or flight response was what happened 50,000 years ago in the primordial forest when you saw the tiger in the jungle and you reacted - it's survival, it's where your whole system revs up to protect yourself. however, in our current-day society, when it's on overdrive, it will burn you out. you don't want that to be controlling you. and what happens with the fight or flight response is that the amygdala - which is the emotional center in the brain - goes on high alert, and that signals the adrenal glands to produce the stress hormones cortisol and adrenaline. and so what happens - and this is really important that you know this - when all of these stress hormones are surging

through your body, just think about it your jaw clenches, your gut tightens, your eyes dilate, your blood pressure goes up, your blood sugar goes up, the muscle tension increases, your shoulders get tight. and then also the serotonin, which is the natural anti-depressant in the body, it starts getting burnt out so you get irritable and anxious and depressed. and so, all of this constant stress weakens your immune system. so, it's very good just to be aware that this is what happens in the body and this is how you can harness your biology and turn it around. so, it's really important to take quick action steps to get those endorphins flowing and to calm down the fight or flight response. some of the quick action steps that you need to take: number one, now this is immediate - if you feel that your stress is rising, you need to eliminate or decrease caffeine, sugar,

or any kind of stimulants, because that increases the startle response. so, you can take charge by really looking at what you put in your body. the second thing that you can do is aerobic exercise - that's really important - because moving the body, instead of sitting at a computer hour after hour or sitting on a couch, moving the body starts the endorphins flowing, and this is something very healthy - the body loves this. the endorphins are the opiate-like, feel-good hormones in the body and you want to get these flowing. so, just go for a 10-minute walk, get out in the nature by a park and just get your body moving when you're stressed out. and it's also important to get a good night's rest. and one quick way to do it is to make your bed a stress-free zone. don't have your bills on the bed, don't have arguments around the bed, don't have anything around the bed that will create stress. read poetry, listen to music, meditate, take some deep breaths - but make that bed a sacred

space so when you get into it, you can have a relaxing night's sleep. and there's another tip that i really suggest for those of you that have insomnia, or you wake up in the middle of the night and you can't get back to sleep. this might be a tip that you've never heard of before - there's a visual that you can get on the internet and it's of the delta brain waves of sleep - it has a particular sign wave configuration. and the delta brain waves of sleep are the deep waves of sleep - you want to get into deep sleep. so, what i suggest, is that you get a visual of the delta brain waves and you look at it before you go to sleep, and what that does, it trains your brain to go to that deep place. it's really a good tip because it's a way of programming your brain to sleep very deeply and peacefully. it's been very helpful with my patients. another way to turn off the fight or flight response is to avoid negative people who i consider to be biological irritants - especially before

you go to sleep. but try and have a circle of positive people around you to boost your biochemistry and the negative people can wear you down - so, it's just important to know that. and the final tip is to practice what i call the 3-minute meditation. and i was recently asked in an interview, what is the most important health practice that i just couldn't live without? and it would be this 3-minute meditation. the 3-minute meditation is guerilla meditation - it's being able to pause with whatever you're doing, whatever stressful activity you're involved in - you're at the office, you had an argument with your spouse, something happened. you take a break for three minutes, you close your eyes, you take a breath, you calm down your fight or flight response, and when negative thoughts go by, you just refocus on the breath and something very positive - an image that's positive - it can be a sunset, it can be a flower.

i use an image of flowing water and being able to look into a flowing river and see the reflection of the night sky. you see, that image really calms me down and it's very powerful for me. airports are one of the most stressful places for me, because of all the noise and the activity and there's so much going on, that oftentimes in airports, i will go into the ladies' bathroom and i will close the stall and sit there and do the 3-minute meditation to calm myself down. and then, when i go out, and see, this is the great gift of the 3-minute meditation, is that you go out a different person. if you can shift states quickly, this is essential to emotional freedom. now, i'm just going to go on to the other aspects of emotions. one very important aspect is the spirituality of emotion. and what i mean by spirituality is connecting with something greater than your ego, greater than your mind, greater than yourself, so you can see you're

bigger than any one emotion. and this could be god, it could be nameless, it could be the power of love - but just to know that there is a compassionate force that's present that you can tap into. and from a spiritual point of view, it's always important to ask yourself - if you're going through depression, if you're going through anxiety, if you're frustrated - how can this emotion help me to grow? how can this emotion help me to become a more heart-centered, open, loving, stronger person versus i just feel miserable and i want it to be over? you see, there's a difference between the analytic mind, which just wants it to be gone, and then the intuitive mind, or the inner wisdom, or the spirituality that really allows you to find a deeper meaning of any experience. and i look at emotions as a vehicle to grow and open the heart and become more loving - not to shut down. and this is a great strength

that comes from emotional freedom. and then the third element of emotions has to do with energetic power - the energy of the body, the vital life force - what chinese medical practitioners call 'chi'. to be able to access that and notice how emotions cause your energy to go up, to go down - and be aware of the energy of the body as you're exploring emotional freedom - very important. and then the final aspect is the psychology of emotions, and as a psychiatrist, i feel very strongly about this - that it's important to be able to look at our human behavior and go back to your past, go back to your childhood, go back to your parents, go back to your family and see where the fear started, see where the anxiety started. you know, if you had alcoholic parents, to go back and see what effect that had on you as a child and then to work with it - not to get stuck in your childhood. i think that's a mistake that so many people make - they dwell too long there.

but to be able to look there, see what the issues are, and keep on moving. and i love what the spiritual teacher ram dass says - that if you want to have a spiritual experience, just go and spend a weekend with your parents. now we've laid the groundwork for emotional freedom. when we come back, i want to help you identify your emotional type and also combat what i call emotional vampires. >hi, i'm bob marty, and i am here with dr. judith orloff in our studio, and we are so pleased to have you here. >>well, i'm so happy to be here in support of pbs. >oh, thank you so much. you know, we're going to be back with dr. orloff in just a minute, but what we need you to do is listen to patrice pasqual about some of the wonderful ways we have of saying thanks. >>thanks, bob and dr. orloff. you know, your financial support of this station enables it to bring you this program

and a year's worth of public television programming. and at different levels of support, this station will say thank you in tangible ways that will extend the value of emotional freedom now, long after you're done watching the program. contribute $90 and your thank you gift will be the book on which this program is based: emotional freedom. dr. orloff has provided detailed yet easy to read and easy to implement steps for you to liberate yourself from negative emotions and begin to transform your life. you can delve into important concepts, such as the four different aspects of emotions, and how to identify your own emotional type very deeply in this hardbound book. when you give $75, the dvd of this program, along with material not seen in the broadcast version, is yours as a way to review the program and perhaps share dr. orloff's liberating ideas with family or friends. with a generous contribution of $200, you'll receive the emotional freedom combo kit, which includes the dvd of the program, the hardcover book,

emotional freedom, along with a two cd set in which dr. orloff explains daily practices that lead to your greater emotional freedom. also included when you pledge $200 is the emotional repair kit that will be a daily resource for you to stay focused on your own road to emotional freedom; and a personal questionnaire that will reveal your emotional freedom priorities; and dr. orloff's previously published best-selling book, positive energy. that's the dvd of this program and the book on which it was based, plus four other items that extend the value of this program, when you pledge $200 right now. >dr. orloff, for 20 years has been an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at ucla, has 25 doctors in your family-oh, my goodness- and has been in private practice also for 20 years, seeing hundreds and hundreds of patients, and also lectured all over the world. you know, your message has gotten out there, books, bestsellers - but why public television, dr. orloff? >>i love public television; i am such a fan of public

television. it gives positive, empowering, life-affirming messages that you can't get anywhere else. it's such a powerful thing that we have with pbs to have these life-empowering messages and to be able to apply everything that you learn from these programs to your life right away. and plus there aren't any commercials, i mean, what a relief. >isn't that great? you know, dr. orloff has received praise from leaders in the health and wellness area- deepak chopra, dean ornish, christianne northrup, have all said wonderful things on her book. but you know what this is all about? this is all about you. this is about you changing and transforming your life. and how do you do that? you make that call of support. right, dr. orloff? they have to make a call right now. >>oh, it's so important to make that call of support so that you get all of the gift packages with emotional freedom, and be able to apply everything that we're talking about in your life immediately. >and it all happens only because all of you pick up the phone and make that call

of support right now. so, please go to your phone, say yes-yes to this station, yes to this wonderful emotional freedom kit. it's just an amazing array of thank you gifts. and here's patrice with just a little bit more about what you'll get in that wonderful package. >>that's right. again, the book is your thank you gift when you choose to call the number on your screen and make a contribution of $90 to this station. or give $75 and select as your gift the dvd of emotional freedom now, with a half hour of additional content not available in the broadcast. and for the $200 pledge, it's the dvd and the book, along with the emotional freedom practices two cd set we talked about, plus the emotional repair kit, that personal emotional freedom quiz, and another earlier book by dr. orloff, positive energy. so, how far does your pledge of $75, $90, or $200 actually go when you call the number on your screen and help this station with your support? well, you acknowledge that you appreciate emotional free now and programs like it on this public television station

schedule when you make your call. and you can select from the thank you gifts we've been describing. but your dollars go so very far. you'll be funding a safe haven of television viewing for children because of programs like sesame street and clifford the big red dog. you'll be helping to pay for signature pbs series like nature, nova and masterpiece. and you'll be supporting a public media outlet that answers to the communities it serves because it is powered by those communities. when you think about it, the dollars you give when you call the number on your screen and make your pledge go so much further and do more good than you might have first realized. so, let that motivate you to go to your phone right now, as we go back to bob and dr. orloff. >you know, one of the things, dr. orloff, that i've wanted to ask you is - this wonderful emotional freedom kit - what's the one big benefit that you could share with us for our viewers if they make that call of support right now? >>well, the biggest benefit is that you'll have negativity relieved in your life and you'll have stress reduced quickly.

so, if you combine those two, those are big assets that you can experience right away. >so, that's great. so, you know what we want you to do? we're about to go back to the program, but what we need you to do is make that call of support right now, you know, watch as a contributor. dr. orloff is a member of her public television station; i'm a member of my public television station. we need you to step up right now. step up and say yes. yes to emotional freedom, yes to this station, yes to this wonderful programming all year round. and that's what we need you to do. so please, watch as a contributor. make that call of support right now. >welcome back. now, we're going to go on and i'm going to describe how to identify your emotional type. and why is this so important? socrates said, "know thyself." and so i'm going to go through four emotional types. although you might relate to a number of qualities in each

type, i'd like you to choose one type that is most you, so that you can learn the upside and you can learn the downside, and then learn to balance each. the first type is the intellectual, and this is somebody who, basically, functions from their intellect and their head. they're brilliant problem-solvers, they love to make positive and negative lists, and this is their strong point. but they oftentimes may not be that in touch with their emotions. how many of you identify as an intellectual - you are most comfortable in your head? just a couple of you, all right, you're most comfortable in your head, you too, here. the next type is the emotional empath and the emotional empath is the emotional sponge - somebody who's very sensitive and open but tends to take on the energy and negative emotions of the world. now, how many of you identify as an empath? oh, okay - there are a number of you who are empaths. the next type that i like to discuss is the gusher,

and the gusher is somebody who's very in touch with his or her emotions, and you don't hesitate to express them, but you may not come from a place of inner wisdom at first. how many of you love to share and that's your primary way of relating? all right, not too many gushers in here, all right - interesting. and then the last type is the rock, and this is somebody strong and steady and dependable and there for you, but may be out of touch a little bit with their body and their own passion. how many of you identify with being a rock? oh, there are a couple, oh, okay - a number of you do. i'd like to go through the upsides and downsides to all of these types so that you could know how to make the most of them. let me start with the intellectual. the intellectual's upside: you're an impeccable analyzer, you have a killer sense of logic, you're comfortable in the world of ideas and abstract thoughts,

and you tend to stay calm in heated situations. but the downside of the intellectual is that you may have difficulty connecting with your feelings and you may seem cold, withholding, or even snobbish at times. sometimes you won't be able to turn your brain off at night because you're thinking too much. so, being aware of your downsides. you can work on them. that is the point of being aware - not to be self-critical, but to be aware. here are two quick tips for intellectuals to learn how to balance out this type. number one - if you're with somebody who's very emotional, if your spouse is expressing him or herself, if you're in an emotional situation, do not go in and try and solve the problem right away. that's what intellectuals do, they love to solve the problem. instead - i see a number of you nodding - instead of doing that, when someone is expressing anger or depression or worry, you just simply say, "i understand how

you're feeling." this will save you a lot of trouble in your relationships because then the person feels heard. all right? if there's one thing you intellectuals take away tonight, that would be an important tip. the second tip for an intellectual is to really bring more awareness to your bodies. to be aware of your bodies do exercise, do slow breathing, do yoga - do something that just brings your awareness out of your brilliant mind into your beautiful body. so, that will help to balance it out. the second type is the emotional empath, and this is my type. and since i've been a little girl, i've been an emotional sponge,ae what's going on in the world very acutely in my own body. and i couldn't go into shopping malls and crowded places without getting anxious or depressed or feeling that i was taking on the stress of the people in the shopping malls. and i would go to my mother, who was a physician,

and she would say, 'oh, dear, you just don't have a thick enough skin.' oh, a well-meaning mother's comments, but that's not the answer. the answer is learning how to become calm and centered and not absorb the energy of others. so the upside to an emotional empath is that you have a big heart and you're very gifted at helping others. your sensitivity makes you exquisitely passionate and open to the world and the sensual life. it's very important. you're emotionally responsive and you can relate to others. you know how to feel compassion and put yourself in their shoes - a beautiful quality. but the downside of the emotional empath is that you're prone to depression or anxiety or fatigue because you take everything on into your body. you may have difficulty setting limits or boundaries. and how do you know if you're an emotional empath? ask yourself these questions:

have i often been labeled as overly-sensitive? how many of you have been labeled as - oh, okay, a number of you. am i emotionally drained by crowds and require a lot of alone time to revive myself? ah-ha, yeah - a lot of hands went up fast with that one. emotional empaths always want to go home. do my nerves get frayed by noise, smells, or excessive talking? how many of you - all right, this is something empaths can really relate to. and if you're an empath, you have an exquisitely sensitive sense of smell. do i overeat or binge on carbs to relieve stress? empaths often do that to deal with negativity or stress. how many of you do that? okay. so, these are all signs that you're an emotional empath. and in terms of how to balance this - this is so critical - it's important to understand

that it is not your job to take on other people's stress. you can be compassionate without doing that. it's so important for empaths to have time to decompress - an empath needs alone time, and if you can schedule that into your life and make that a regular part of your time management, it will make all the difference in the world. now, an empath also has to define your square footage needs. an empath needs to have their own space, whether it's their own bedroom, their own space that they can go to where they won't be bothered. and this includes no hovering around the door. because empaths can feel it if there are people outside hovering. so, it's important, though, to have these creative conversations and realize this about yourself and tell the other person so that they don't feel that it's personal to them. and it's important to be able

to set boundaries if you're an empath. just remember that 'no.' is a complete sentence. let's go on to the gusher now. the gusher's upsides: the gusher who expresses his or her emotions very freely. you value intimate relationships, you have a supportive, loving network of friends, negativity doesn't seem to fester because you express it so easily, and you deal with hard issues and you process them quickly. also the downside of a gusher is that a gusher can be a candidate for a drama king or queen, and really over-share and give too much information. they're prone to grabbing you in the supermarket and telling you their entire life story. so, excessive sharing may burn out friends - that's something to be very aware of. and also, a gusher may not trust him or herself, and goes immediately to other

people for feedback. so, let's talk about how to balance out a gusher's traits. it's important to go inside before you pick up the phone. this is very important so you get in the habit of trusting your inner wisdom, of saying, 'how can i solve this problem?' before you pick up the phone. and that just balances out the gusher's tendency to really give and share. now, let's go on to the rocks. i love rocks. the upside to a rock is that you want to curl up in his or her lap and you feel safe there. they're strong and dependable and they show up for you. that's the most wonderful quality in a human being, in a friendship and in relationships - if somebody shows up for you. a rock is a pillar of strength, a rock is consistent and loyal. but the downside of a rock is that he or she may be detached from their own feelings and they may be a little bit boring. and this is always the complaint of the mate - that the rock never expresses his or her feelings. and oftentimes the rock

internalizes the stress or avoids conflict rather than confronting difficult issues. so, the action steps that i would suggest for a rock is to practice giving and receiving, because that's the basis of passion - it's not just one way. and a rock can express one emotion a day, just to get in the habit of that. "i'm happy," "i'm sad," "i'm in love," "i'm disappointed" - whatever it is. just get in the habit of identifying that and that will balance out all of - the beautiful traits of the rock. so, you can practice those action steps as the rock opens up to a more sensual world. now i'd like to go on to a favorite topic of mine, people who i call emotional vampires. maybe you know who i'm talking about, but these are people who can suck you dry.

they can make you anxious or depressed so it's important to be able to identify the emotional vampires in your life. they say things such as, 'oh, dear, i see you've put on a few pounds.' 'i'd love it if you'd come tonight, but you have to smile.' you know, those kinds of zingers, you know how those feel when they come. these are the emotional vampire zingers to be aware of. and most emotional vampires aren't conscious of what they do: it comes from early childhood upbringing, they get in the habit, and they're just not mindfully aware of what they do. and i once had a hairdresser - i would go in to get my hair done and the whole time she would talk about sags and aging and wrinkles, and the lighting was horrible. so by the time i left i felt miserable about myself. and so, i finally said, you know, "i don't need to do this". and so, i made a choice to go to somebody where i go and get my hair done and i feel beautiful

when i walk out. and that's how it should be. all right. so, i just bring this up in terms of identifying people who can suck you dry and then making choices to shift the situation. it's important to take an inventory of your emotional vampires in your life. what are the signs you're being drained? let's go through them: number one: your eyelids get heavy and you want to take a nap. number two: you feel put down, like the rug has been pulled out from under you. number three: your mood takes a nosedive - and that's something to be very aware of. number four: you have a yen to suddenly binge on carbs or comfort food. or you might feel sniped at, slimed, or agitated. now, you need to trust your intuitive experience of this: don't talk yourself out of it. a lot of my patients talk themselves out of it. because you might be with an emotional vampire, and they're handsome and they're funny

and they're smart and everybody likes them, but your energy is bottoming out. at that point, don't call yourself neurotic. trust your own experience of the situation because your energetic chemistry with somebody is unique. you can't compare that with anybody else. so, you must begin to trust yourself in terms of evaluating emotional vampires. now, i'd like to go through a couple of types of emotional vampires so that you're aware of them. the first type is the narcissist. and the narcissist is somebody where life is all about 'me'. they are legends in their own minds. and the easy kind of narcissists are unlikable egotists, so you won't even want to be around them. but the problem is, and i've seen this with so many of my patients - and i see a number of you are nodding - that narcissists can be charming and inviting and seemingly caring.

that is until you don't go along with their program. and then they become withholding, cold and punishing. and this i really want you to understand - a narcissist lacks empathy. this is why they're so dangerous. it's so hard, when somebody has a heart, to understand why a narcissist could care less about you expressing your feelings. a narcissist does not have empathy, so they cannot relate to that. so, it's very important to realize that when you're dealing with a narcissist, so you can have limited expectations with them. because narcissists are not capable of unconditional love. have any of you been involved with a narcissist? okay, a number of you - how many years? over 10 years - how many of you? yeah, see, the thing is, once you get involved with a narcissist, it's very hard to detach yourself. so, my advice is don't fall in

love with one or think it's possible to have intimacy with one. it is not possible. even when a narcissist comes into my office and wants to change, it could take years. so, this is very important to realize in terms of who yowant to have relationships with. so, here are some emotional action steps to take with narcissists. number one: lower your expectations, and that's so important. number two: don't make your self-worth dependent on a narcissist because it will get nowhere. and then, if you're in a relationship with a narcissist - let's say your boss is a narcissist and you don't want to leave your job, but yet, you still have to contend with a narcissist - you always have to frame things in terms of how it will serve them. very important - otherwise, you won't get results. it's tedious ego-stroking, but if you want to take a vacation from work, the way to frame it is, i think it will benefit the business if i take the vacation

on these days' versus 'i'm burned out and exhausted and i really need to get away.' the next type of emotional vampire is the victim, and this is somebody where the world is against them - "woe is me" - and someone who doesn't take responsibility for their own actions. for instance, 'i broke up with my boyfriend for the 10th time.' 'my boss doesn't appreciate me.' other people are always to blame for their problems. that's the victim. they are the unfortunates demanding rescue. you want to help but you're overwhelmed by their endless issues. you know, they always say, 'yes, but' when you present a solution. they always say, 'yes, but' and they feel sorry for themselves. and this is the best strategy for a victim - to set kind but firm limits and boundaries. after a hard day's work, and you're coming home, and the phone rings,

and that victim is on the phone again and starts up abouhow 'my boss doesn't understand me' and how 'my mother doesn't appreciate me and my boyfriend isn't there' - and on and on, yada, yada, yada. you may feel, as a good friend, you want to listen, but then hours go on and you're exhausted hanging onto the phone with the victim. so, the healthy alternative is to set limits and boundaries for the victim and say, you know, 'i love you, you're my friend, but i can only talk to you for 3 minutes unless you want to get into solutions.' and you say this, most importantly, in a kind but firm tone. you don't say, though you might be feeling this, 'i'm sick and tired of your complaining - stop it.' you say that to another friend to express yourself, because that's what you're feeling. but to the person - if you want results - be very kind but firm and repetitive, because often the first time won't work. and the victim might say to you, 'what kind of a friend are you, that you're not taking the time out to listen to me?' there emotional freedom

can come in: you take a breath, you center yourself, and you say, 'i love you, you're a good friend, but i'll only talk to you longer than a couple of minutes if you can get into solutions.' that's that. but you're loving and you're clear and you're firm. that is the key with the victim. the next emotional vampire is the controller, and this is one i'm particularly sensitive to because i had a very controlling mother and - any of you had controlling mothers? no. the controller would say something like and this is what my mother said to me - "you would be so beautiful if only you dressed in designer clothes." that's what my mother would say to me because i always loved to wear jeans. 'you would be so beautiful - if only ' that's a controller - theynow what's best for you. th dictatehat you should be and how you should feel and can sdomiti,focated.s.

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d techniques to build your ergy when everything trying to deplete it.al otional freedom repair kit, ich is the deck of cards that u can carry in your purse,, d it's an easy to find d handle solution to all of your emotions. you could go into the throom and it out. i love this card kit. it's just an amazing thing to carry with you all the time. >>you know, dr. orloff, i just love this self-qu i mean, i just think that this is an amazing item that our viewers are just going to love when they make that call of support because it really takes you throug i mean, i'm desperate to take this test, i have to tell you. but you know, you can only do that when you make that pledgeu. we're counting on each and every one of you to pickup that phone and make the call to this station, because that's what

it's all about. we're publicisn, we're all about you - it's only with your support. dr. orlos of public television station. please, make that call and be a. you know, it's so important that they participate. talk to me just briefly about how participation works with emotional freedom. you have to do it, don't you? you have to take action. >>oh, if you wt to be empowered in your life, if you want to see change is iornt that you pick up the phone and that you make your pledge to public television. i love public television, and when you make urlee, you can get this incredible package and be able to apply all the techniques of emotional freedom right away aee chgeinoulife today. that's why i love this gift. so, it's important to pick up the phone, call us, and make your pledge. >so, that's what we want you to do is make that call of support right now, and here's patrice pasqual to tell you just a little bit more about all those wonderful thank you gifts yo >>remember, we have wonderful thank you gifts at the $75

pledge level, choose the dvd of the program we're enjoying so very much today. at the $90 pledge level, it's the hardcover book that's been on the new york times bestseller list - emotional freedom. and, pledge $200 and consider the combo - it's package of wonderful materials that will help you take the lessons learned from this program and put them in effect in yo dlyif you know, one of the best ways to make your pledge is by charging it to your visa, mastercard or american express. that makes it easyorou and makes it easy for this atn to save money. that allows us to put more of your contribution into the programming you enjoy. one of the best reasons to make your pledge is that you're not only indicating your approval of this program, you're also supporting plitevion dedication to relevant public affairs shows, programs that tell the story of america, that take the time to show you thbrdtanbety of culture and the arts. shows that care about kids and all the amazing things that make up the schedule for this

puicelisn atn in a year's time. the most important and reliable form of support for this station has always been viewers like you - coming through with individual contributions. call the number on your screen to make your pledge right now. and don't forget the wonderful thanyogis. one more time - the dvd can be yours for a pledge of $75, the book, emotional freedom, for $90, and the otnafrdocoo t for $200. don't let anything stand in your way from making your pledge. there are so many moving parts combo kit.tion fed i'm going to let bob and dr. orloff explain it in detail. >deepak chopra - 'a must-read of feeling frustrated, lonely, jealous or emotionally tense.' christianne northrup - 'a heartfelt, accessible guide d calm.' wouldn't you alle like that feeling? dr. orloff, how do we get there? what do we actually do? what are thetep byte? i owt's all here in the kit, but just tell us, what is that thing that we can do to get us

going on emotional freedom? boy, i want that. >>well, it's so imrtant not to lead a fear-driven life. it's so important to be conscious and mindful and open about your emotions and be able you coultransform them.ing so it's so important to have that mindfulness. and when you have that, then you can be faced with anything and know what to do. with my patients, i've seen that when they have strategies to deal with the difficult emotions in their lif they're centered and they're grounded and they're ready for anything. and what this allows you to do is, you have more joy, you have more hope, you have more patience and then you have more space inside of you just to be happy and lead a life that is just illuminated instead of bogged down by so many negative emotions. >we all want that - i have to tell you. and you know what? i think that you folks out there, what you need to do is make that call of support right now. we have this wonderful self-quiz. i think if you just took this one, one self quiz

and found out - >>that's right, that's right. > - which emotional type and how to combat emotional vampires in your life - that's, when i saw that, i was really thinking about my own life and the folks in my life - to unleash, to liberate, really, is what you talk about, isn't it? to empower? >>it is - to liberate, and the great thing about even taking the self-quiz, it takes two minutes, and then all of a sudden, you feel a change in your life. you see, it doesn't take years and years - it just takes a certain consciousness and a willingness to open up the self quiz, a willingness to take this deck from this gift package and open it and carry it with you. i mean, this can create such change - and so quickly. and what you can do is just call now and get this incredible package and start practicing today - and you will see results, you'll see an immediate lifting of any kind of negative emotion or bad mood or fatigue that you're feeling - you will feel that lifting right away. that's why it's important to call this station. >and if you want to feel that, what you have to do is go to

the phone right now. we're asking you to support this station. this station is there for you all year long with great programming. and we're about to go back to the program, but we need you to call. you're sitting there, you're watching, you're enjoying this - you're listening to dr. orloff's great message of emotional freedom - don't you feel it? so, make that pledge of support at the $200 level for the emotional freedom kit. please, make that call right now. this station needs your support. now back to the program. >welcome back everyone. now we're going to talk about how to transform fear with courage - how to deal with your negative emotions. why is it so important to deal with your negative emotions? because, number one, you'll feel physically better and you'll feel more joyous. but also, you will look better - which is very important, because when you deal with your fear and anxiety and that's lifted,

and you don't carry all the resentments inside year after year, you have a whole different countenance than if you hold on to all of it. in terms of emotions, the mother of all negative emotions is fear. and all of the negative emotions come from that - worry, anger, resentment, loneliness, frustration, jealousy, envy - it all comes from fear. the mother of all positive emotions is love. love is the epitome of emotional freedom - compassion, hope, connection, courage - all of that comes from love. now, in our world, conventional coping mechanisms just are not sufficient anymore. and i love the line in the film, jaws, 'we will need to have a bigger boat.' i want to share with you a personal example of how negative emotions have impacted my life and how i've worked with them to transform

a fear of abandonment that i had. and to understand this, i had to go back to an early event in my life. now, when i was born, my mother had a pulmonary embolism, which is a blood clot to the lung, and she nearly died during the birth. for the first couple weeks of my life, she was bedridden, and at that time i was put in a plastic bassinet in a nursery and i was bottle-fed, and i didn't have a lot of nurturing and touching, and i had no way to orient myself to being in this world. it felt as if i was abandoned. i had no idea what happened. this was a very primal experience. what happens to you at birth or what happens to you very early on has a strong impact on your later life. as i grew up, what i found i, that i was very sensitized to issues such as boyfriends didn't call or people broke their plans or somebody wasn't there for the holidays. i would interpret that as an

abandonment. and so, part of my emotional freedom process has been to go back to that early nursery and to look at how i felt then and begin to see that is 'not now,' and begin to free myself from that. and whenever those issues come up now, i can see how it's related to that and i downplay them. and as the years have gone on, i've become freer and freer with this, so it's not so much a button for me. but what helped me enormously was being able to be honest. it was very painful for me to go back to that moment and to actually re-experience all of that. but for me, it was so worth it because i want to be free. i want to know everything. let's talk about four questions to transform fear. the first one to ask yourself: what are my top five fears? it's important to know what your buttons are so that you could name what scares you. is it fear of abandonment, is it fear of poor health, is it fear of financial

insecurity? whatever it is, it's important to name your top 5 fears, because when you name them, they can't get you - you see? that's emotional freedom - when you know the forces at work in yourself and then you can deal with it. number 2, where do these fears come from? now, this is where the psychology of emotions is so important - to backtrack and see, did it come from your parents, did it come from having an abusive parent or a neglectful parent, or a narcissist parent who couldn't see who you were? and then, also ask yourself what people or situations set off the fear. that's important: to know who sets it off so you can begin to deal with and then - this is where courage comes in - now, instead of just staying in the place of fear, you can ask yourself 'what change can i make to be freer?' you see, it's always about transforming fear with courage -