reggie: [applause] james: welcome back. let's meet our guests tonight. he's a six-time emmy-winning comedian. ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the one, the only mr. billy crystal! reggie: billy crystal oh, my hero james: their fifth album "made in the a.m." is out now. go wild for one direction!

one direction [applause] james: this is a fun couch. this is a fun couch. thank you all for being here. billy: together again. james: together again. the boys, you have been here before. billy, it is your first time on the show. billy: i was on the first show. james: in our film. thank you very much for doing that. you're the best. billy: this is so exciting. james: i understand there is someone backstage who came with

billy: one of my grandchildren, she is 9. dylan. harry was so kind and spent about 20 minutes talking to her. [applause] it was great. he was so nice. she came over and i said what did she say? what's prenup? harry: that's not what i said. james: you guys, you have been all over the place. you were just in london and you played the royal variety show in front of the royal family and here we have a picture here, harry. look at this, when harry met harry. here you are here. is this true? prince harry asked a question, harry, that i am wondering. he asked about your hair. harry: yeah. james: and where are we going with it at the moment? when is it going to stop?

need nine inches to be able to make a full -- james: you're going to do it so you can do a photo with your top off but with your hair over your nipples like kate moss? harry: holding a dog. james: i will tell you what hairstyle you might want to go for. here is a young billy crystal. [applause] look at this guy! billy, this is beautiful. billy: i was 22. harry: our age. james: same age? james: you spent time with the royal family. right? billy: we went to high school togeher. wasn't there a time where you -- james: i met princess di at a command performance of "when harry met sally". it was a royal premiere at the beautiful theater.

sat on her left. we were on the balcony and the trumpets bring her out. she was so magnificent. she was so great. the lights went down and she whispered to me i'm taking my shirts off, so schmucko goes i'm taking my pants off. she laughed. we get to the orgasm scene. james: of course, you get to the fake orgasm scene. billy: and i didn't tell her. she didn't know. she is a princess. james: yeah. billy: and it starts and the audience below us, you could see every head turn. to see what she was going to think of the scene. she started laughing like this. now you're me and i'm princess di. [laughing] she has that light.

would never see her again. -- she has that laugh. james: incredible. billy: very incredible. beautiful. couldn't have been more charming to us. spent a lot of time with us and it was a magnificent memory for me. james: i thought you were going to say she laughed like that and you said i'll have what she's having. daniel craig said the other day he doesn't know if he is going to do another bond movie but he said he thinks niall would make a great james bond. [applause] what do you think? niall: i'll tell you how that came about. i was interviewed and we were asked what we were going to do next year and i said if daniel craig is not going to do another movie, i would take his spot. then the same people that interviewed, as a joke, the same people that interviewed him went

said i would be fabulous. james: give us the line. i'll be the villain. time villain. i say who are you and you say -- action. i need someone to be my cat. louis, come and be my cat. [applause] nice. do like one of them. liam: someone is dying over there, i swear. james: i'll just speak to the cat. it is a cat! this is a serious audition for him.

ah, i have been expecting you. what is is your name? niall: the name's bond, james bond! [applause] james: i think we have witnessed not one but two things here. niall will be playing james bond and louis will be about to open a brand new broadway production of "cats." speaking of performing, liam, is this true? you were in florida and you went to an applebee's and just did some karaoke? liam: i was out with my family and this one -- i can't help myself. it is fun. i got up and sang a song. james: what did you sing? liam: i sang ordinary people.

liam: the legend himself. a guy turns to me and goes great voice, kid. james: guys, you have made five albums in five years. [applause] a phenomenal success. a punishing schedule, let's be honest. you are now about to take a bit of a break. a hyatt us. louis, what are you plans for the break? lousi: i think we're all in the same bode because the schedule has been so crazy. things that we have not been able to do. spend ploverpbt time with our family and friends. we have been talking about that -- plenty of time with our family and friends. james: go on a holiday together? you might as well play couple of gigs while you're there, right? billy what your plans during their hiatus?

billy: i'm on hiatus myself. which means nobody is calling. james: they call it hiatus. we call it unemployment. billy: do i look like i'm representing them? take a hiatus, boys. [applause] james: stick around. more with these guys when we come back. hen america. i shoot 'em like hey hey ha ha ha uh-huh they be like hey hey ha ha but i don't care uh-huh uh-huh i shoot 'em like hey hey ha ha and i don't care

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reggie: [applause] james: welcome back. now, we are having a great time here tonight, aren't we, gang? this is a great time. billy, you find yourself here surrounded by brits and irishmen. we are all here. have you spent much time in the u.k.? billy: yes. actually we made a couple of movies there. "princess bride" we made there and i actually was in "hamlet." i was the grave digger. james: right. billy: that was the scariest thing i have ever had to do. james: why? billy: have i this little bronx voice. ted cruz knows. and shakespeare, the great -- i'm playing the grave digger. it is an incredible responsibility. he called me and said i want you

jack lemon was in it. derek jacoby, robin williams was in it. we were all there. he said let's rehearse the day before the shooting. we get to the institutedio and there is the magnificent set and the graves and all the skulls and everything. he said billy, get in the grave. you're robert deniro. i'll be joe pesci and we'll rehearse the scene. scene. he wanted to relax me. i picked up skulls as robert deniro going are you talking to me? look what i did to you. and then i would hand it -- james: what was his joe pesci like? billy: do i like funny to you? we rehearsed it and it relaxed me and the next day i shot my

experience. niall, you do some accents. you always try do the accent of whatever country you in when you're on stage. niall: i can't really do impressions, i can do accents. when i go to spain i speak like this. i'm very happy to be on "the late late show" with mr. billy crystal. i'm so happy to be here. thank you very much. [applause] james: i love that. that is fantastic. billy: what about -- did you play the barclays center in brooklyn? niall: brooklyn, yeah, i can talk like new york if you want. james: i love it. billy: that is pretty good. he is like using his hands a lot. that is unbelievable. . james: now later on the the show, we are playing a game, one direction and myself, where we are going to play "tattoo

tonight is going to leave with an actual tattoo. billy: i'm not in that? james: you can be if you want to. billy: i'm heavily tattooed. james: no you're not! billy: of course i am. james: no you're not! no way. this is an exclusive. [applause] crystal is dropping some ink. i like it! that's when i was in the navy. james: back in the day. there is a lot of tattoos on display here. but niall, you don't have any tattoos. niall: no. james: none at all. you did once get a temporary

posterior. finally we were face-to-face. boys, liam, have you got any that taos you regret? liam: when i went to a weird stage of my life. you forget you got them. i looked at my arm and went oh, man. the first thing i did was oogle, how do you get them off? you can't. so they just -- it is not really a thing anymore. i don't really care about it. it is part of me. james: louis, how many have you got? louis: i don't know. a lot of mine are pretty stupid anyway. james: what is the stupidest one you have got to you think? louis: the first one i got was

then i got this line for the ramp which is why i got me oops. so if i get late, late today, it is going to go in there. james: what about you, harry? thinking you regret? harry: not so many regrets. there were a couple i did myself. james: you with the gun? harry: yeah. a froverpbed mine got the gun for his birthday. with all the right sterilizing equipment. i did one. i did a couple of stupid ones. i don't know if i regret them so much. james: which ones? harry: i wrote "big" on my big toe. [laughter] james: in the game tonight, whoever ends up with a tattoo, if it is one of you boys, you're

late" and if i get it, i'm going to get 1 d tattooed on my body. [applause] if i go home with 1 d tattooed on me, i don't quite know. i think i'll go hey to my wife. look at this and she will go yeah, look at these divorce papers. that's all i can imagine. it is going to be a lot of fun. we're looking forward to it. reggie, do you have a question for any of our guests this evening? reggie: yes, i do. thank you for asking. continue to's ge goes to spsh [drum roll] billy crystal, do you believe the humor is one of the highest form s of enlightenment? billy: i do. reggie: that is correct. james: tezz the greatest guest in the world. billy crystal. stick around, because after the break we're playing a new game called tattoo roulette with one

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reggie: james: welcome back! we're about to play what is probably the craziest game we've ever had on our show. it's a game that i am already regretting thinking of. it's time for "tattoo roulette" with one direction! [applause] reggie: "tattoo roulette" james: here's how it works. on this table we have five boxes. inside four of them is the word "safe." inside one of them is the word "tattoo." each of us will choose a box. the person whose box says "tattoo" in it will get a tattoo right here live on the show. [applause] if it's one of the boys, they will have the words "late late" tattooed on them. if it's me -- and i pray to god it isn't -- i will have "1d"

we have our tattoo artist standing by. it has never felt more innocence here. now niall, you are the only member of the band who doesn't have tattoos. how are you feeling about this? niall: i'm regretting. i i don't like this. james: i don't like it either. you're going to choose first. look at your hands! oh, my goodness! your hands are actually shaking. are you all right? that's how i feel. niall: first time on tv. james: all right. niall, go and choose your box first. [applause] niall: do i open it? james: no! don't open it. you're taking that box? you're going to choose that box? ok. go and stand -- the first stands right to there. just wait right there.

ok. harold. how are you feeling about all of this? harry: i'm actually fine. james: ok. go over and choose your box. harry: don't try to sway me. james: ok. you made your choice. you go and stand next to niall. just there. ok. louis. how are you feeling? louis: it is just going to be another stupid one, isn't it? james: go over and choose any box you like. louis: here it is. james: oh! ok. louis, go stand just there. 4 that one. ok. liam. liam: how are you feeling? james: not great. i wish you luck. there are two boxes to choose

choose which one you fancy. liam: the end. james: going on probably. i am choosing -- i have no choice. billy, which one do you think i should choose? billy: that one. james: the red one. liam: i've always wanted to do deal or no deal poxes. that is great. james: do you remove them also? >> i don't. james: well, that is all we have got time for tonight. niall: look at james. liam: this game is making me nervous. james: all right. here we go. liam: i can't believe we're doing it. james: liam.

james: you're going first. liam, reveal. [applause] ok. louis? louis: [beep] james: how are you feeling now? louis: i'm more nervous for you, james, to be honest. james: louis, please reveal. [applause] louis: i hope you have got it in there. liam: look at your face. look at his face. [laughter] james: i genuinely don't even