yeah. you must really care about him. what? no, no. you gave him fiber. no she didn't. this tastes way too good to be fiber. they're delicious crunchy clusters with sweet honey and half a day's worth of fiber. you care about my fiber? not really. i care about youfiber too. i have for while. ok, carl. why don't you care about her fiber? hey carl. [ male announcer ] fiber one. cardboard no. delicious yes. closing argument time. the house of representatives approved $33 billion in new spending for the war in afghanistan this evening. but in the process, president obama received a spark rebuke from members of his own party. more than 100 democrats voted

against the spending, in particular, criticizing plans to add 30,000 troops to the conflict. so, our question tonight -- is the war in afghanistan worth the cost? and given the waening democrat support, can president obama turn it around in time? tell us what you think at the "nightline" facebook page or the page at abcnews.com. that's our report for tonight. for all of us at abc news, good night, america. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. on the show tonight, christina applegate is with us, and with child. comedian shawn mauss is here. and hugh hefner will join us. there's a new documentary of his life coming out. there's hugh backstage. i'm concerned about him, because he's down to one girlfriend. he used to have, like, ten or

something. and then the oil spill happened. something. and then the oil spill happened. damn you, bp. "jimmy kimmel live," ba" back i minutes. well, you know that thing... we've been working on for a while now? no way, really? yes. really? mmm hmm you're gonna be a dad. [ sizzling ] we'll have that. [ male announcer ] with applebee's new sizzling entrees fresh flavor never sounded so good. try the spicy asian shrimp, steak and cheese, or chicken with queso blanco starting at $8.99! only at applebee's. now open till midnight or later. [ laughter ] [ slamming ] [ engines revving ]

[ tires screech ] [ engine revving ] [ male announcer ] before you take it on your road trip... we take it on ours. [ children laughing ] now during the summer event, get an exceptionally engineered mercedes-benz like the 2010 c-class, an iihs top safety pick, for 1.9 percent apr or lease one for $349 a month. woow! hey man, how ya doin'? how's your shave? kinda like tuggin' and pullin'. see how shaving can cause irritating tug and pull? [ male announcer ] that's why gillette's introducing the revolutionary new fusion proglide. it glides... like literally. [ male announcer ] now, fusion proglide has been engineered with gillette's thinnest blades ever so it glides for less tug and pull. turns shaving into gliding. and skeptics into believers. new fusion proglide.

and warm up before you shave for incredible comfort with new proseries thermal scrub. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- christina applegate. hugh hefner. and comedian shane mauss. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" and now, let's do this! here's jimmy kimmel!

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's very kind. thank you for watching. thank you for joining me here, parking and walking in. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. tonight i'll be taking all of your old school r & b requests and dedications. believe that, you know what i'm saying? hey, what day is today? tuesday? thursday is a special day. thursday is the season two premiere of "the jersey shore" on mtv. after six long months, snooki and the situation and j-woww and chewbacca. he's not one of them? they will be back. this morning, the whole cast was onhand to ring the opening bell at the new york stock exchange.

supposedly there was so much demand to see them do it, for the first time they ran out of guest passes to bring in -- what's wrong with people? fortunately the historic event was televised and here they are, america's favorite juiceheads on wall street, starting the business day. >> let's get this started, wall street bitches! >> jimmy: she tossed her snookis there is what she did. t it's really just begun. they have an iphone app coming out. guillermo has it, do you like it? >> yes, jimmy. >> jimmy: here's guillermo testing out the new iphone app from "jersey shore." ♪

[ laugh iing ] >> jimmy: well, you look good. you look really good. it's been very, very hot on the east coast lately. and to make matters worst, a thunderstorm has left hundreds of thousands of people in washington, d.c. without power or air conditioning. which i guess is hooked to the power. so really just power, and everything else that goes to it. it's pretty miserable out there. in fact, the heat is so bad, the supreme court today had to go to their emergency robes. they should do that all the time. bp announced today officially they will replace tony hayward as ceo. you know that guy with the -- [ applause ] this is -- this is kind of funny. they are offering him a spot running their operation in siberia. for real. you think they even have an operation in siberia? maybe they are just planning to leave him out there on an ice

floe or something. i kind of -- i don't know what it is, but i kind of hate people losing their job. i don't like to see it. my heart goes out to -- actually, my finger mostly goes -- my middle finger goes out to him. [ applause ] but -- bp has selected an american who is from the gulf region to replace him, and, well, forgive me for being cynical, but it seems pretty obvious that the only reason they hired this guy is to try to calm us down. >> tony hayward will step down in october. bp hopes the move will help to improve american opinion of the oil giant. in another move to soften the company's image, today, bp named hayward's successor. mittens mu s mulaney. this morning, he made a brief statement. thus far, the move seems to be working. >> oh, my god, the little baby. oh, my god, i love you.

[ applause ] >> jimmy: well, i guess -- they're no dummies. meanwhile, paris hilton is on vacation. from what, i'm not sure, but -- [ laughter ] she's been on a yacht in the french rivera, and found herself in the middle of a controversy today here at home, as a result of this picture. some people said it looks like he's doing a nazi salute with her finger -- i think she's probably just -- innocent, put some drugs up your nose and wave to your billionaire grandpa in heaven move. paris' publicist said she was just scratching a inin ining he. paris hilton has no idea what a nazi salute is. she probably thinks nazi is a game you play with dice, and -- [ laughter ] she doesn't know who fought in world war i or world war ii or world wars iii or iv.

and yes the nazis invaded paris, but who hasn't, really? [ cheers and applause ] but she is wearing a hat, the hat makes it -- she looks like a ho in hogan's heroes. i'm not an expert. one person that i do know is, our expert analyst, a person who every once in awhile, we bring him in to kind of look at these sorts of things to see if they're real or whatever. to determine once and for all if this is a nazi salute, we turn this over to my uncle frank. >> wow. this is a photo in a strip joint with, you know, they got the pole and the girl goes on the pool and she wraps her legs around the pole, and she slides up and down, and she takes the

money, puts them in her bosom, she smiles and hugs a couple of them and everybody's happy, including me. it's a beautiful picture. wow. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm not sure -- was that a yes or a no? >> yes. >> jimmy: that was a yes? >> yes. >> jimmy: okay. there's a story going around hollywood now that says big changes might be coming to "american idol." you know that karaoke show on fox? well, the hollywood reporter says former producer nigel lithgow is being asked to return, which would be interesting, because he's been critical of the four-judge fore mat. he said he'd like to get rid of all the current judges, which i guess would make the show look a little something like this. >> i'm going to do titanic song. ♪ you're here ♪ there's nothing i fear ♪ and i know that my heart does

go on ♪ [ laughter ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: thank you. i like it. i -- we can get through the whole season in, like, 40 minutes. i could do without the contestants, too. another show that seems to have survived a major host change is "the price is right." drew carey took over for bob barker. tmz caught up with bob, and when asked how he thought his replacement is doing, he didn't exactly rave. >> how is drew doing? >> he does the show differently. >> you can't copy the original. >> well -- i tried to make the show really exciting. and -- he doesn't do that, he just plays the games. >> jimmy: that is a -- kick in the plinko there.

i know why he felt compelled to say that. maybe he didn't leave as voluntarily as we were led to believe. after hearing what bob said, pay very close attention here, because it seems like drew takes a dig at bob's favorite cause. >> folks, thanks for watching "the price is right" today. really great show. let your pelts do whatever the [ bleep ] they want to. >> jimmy: almost seemed as if -- quick note to bob barker. you know why drew carey doesn't make the show really exciting? it's not. it's crazy people guessing the price of blenders. drew carey is in hell, that's why he's not making it exciting. microsoft is getting ready to debut a brand new slogan, in the face of the massive success of apple with they iphone and ipad, just what they need to get back on track, a slogan.

and they showed off their -- it's a three-word motto. they showed it off at the microsoft global exchange. here it is. microsoft. control-atl-delete. it fits. this is -- someone sent this to me. this is from a soccer game in iceland. it happened on sunday. one of the teams scored in extra time and then did what i believe could very well be the greatest celebration in the history of sports. [ cheers and applause ] isn't that great? and then they gutted him and ate him and he was delicious.

here's another one from a foreign land. there's a new station in taiwan that over the course of the last year, they've been animating american news stories. they did it with tiger woods. i think that was the first one i saw. since then, they've done it with stories, include what's been going on with sarah palin lately. i'm going to narrate this, because it's in chinese. as you can see, sarah palin was flying in a helicopter with john mccain and began shooting bears out of the helicopter. and then, an obama helicopter got too close and sideswiped her so she parachuted out of it, directly onto the stage at what they call a tea bagger rally. then she sent a tweet to muslims and made up a new word, the new word being "refudiate." then -- she started shooting reality show in her house. you can see, that's sarah and todd, for no reason, smoking a

joint. there's bristol and levi fighting and then suddenly, little piper starts firing a machine gun in the air. and that's -- that's how they do the news in taiwan. i almost forgot about the time obama's helicopter rammed her helicopter in mid-air. the big winner at the box office this weekend was "inception" again, starring leonardody c dicaprio. made $42 million. close behind it was the new angelina jolie thriller "salt." it's about a cia agent who is accused of being a double agent, and has to clear her name. and it did so well, they've already released a trailer for the sequel. >> today, a russian agent will travel to new york city to kill the president. >> accused of being a trader. >> you are a russian spy. >> on the ground. >> i'm innocent! >> to prove her innocence, she

must go back in time and join a legendary hip hop group. >> i'm peppe. >> my name is evelyn salt. >> salt-n-pepa. >> jimmy: that looks good. it looks really good. and one more thing. i don't normally like to brag, but i was an answer on "jeopardy" last week. imagine watching the show and all of a sudden, one of the answers is you. it's a weird thing. that's what happened to me. i was watching the show and alex trebek started describing me. if you'll indulge me for a second. this is my moment in the sun. >> before his late night gig, he co-hosted "the man show" and

"win ben stein's money." >> who is sharpton? who is al sharpton? >> no. >> jimmy: you can't argue with alex trebek. we have a great show tonight. hugh hefner is with us tonight. we have comedy from shane mauss. and we'll be right back with christina applegate, so stick around. [ female announcer ] your hands are only as clean as the towel used to dry them. so why use the same hand towel over and over, instead of a clean, fresh one every time? ♪ new kleenex® brand hand towels. a clean, fresh towel every time.

with their autobahn for all event. it ends soon. they got great prices. cars built for the autobahn. people are gonna be driving crazy in the jetta... ...the routan, and the cc. that cc is gorgeous. that jetta is awesome. my wife loves her new routan. and they all come with that carefree maintenance. scheduled maintenance included. we're not shopping for cars here, people. c'mon! well, i am now. that's kind of exciting. [ male announcer ] right now, get 0% apr on 2010 models, excluding tdi. or get a great price on a certified pre-owned volkswagen. and suddenly i'm the world's greatest dad. oven-roasted beef, fresh lettuce and tomato, a dab of mayo... it's on the value menu -- starts at just a buck! so i bring the whole family and i get to be the big man without being the big spender. yep, world's greatest dad. this guy. right, kids? [ crickets chirping ] kids? [ male announcer ] some things you just can't compete with. introducing the new jr. deluxe. now on the value menu, starting at a dollar. only at arby's.

i am rachel. i have two kids, three dogs, a husband, and a lot of laundry. i was given a bounce dryer bar and asked to try it out and then answer a few questions. the biggest thing was that it's effortless. you stick it and forget it. by not putting in the dryer sheet, it's just one less thing that i have to do. i love the smell. it's light, it's fresh. the bounce dryer bar makes my life easier, and i really appreciate that. the bounce dryer bar gives you automatic freshness and satisfaction guaranteed or we'll give you your money back.

>> jimmy: hi there. thank you, cleto. welcome back. on the show tonight, we have a good one planned. the man who gave us magazines worthy of hiding under ore bed. he's the subject of a new document called "hugh hefner, playboy, activist and rebel," the one and only hugh hefner is here. and a funny man who you can see

at the acme comedy club starting tomorrow in minneapolis, shane mauss from the bud light stage. tomorrow night on the show, lisa ling, zach ref fron and music from rhyme fest. on thursday, matthew fox, josh hutchison and the music from the swell season. hutcherson. and the swell season. so, there you go. please join us for. that our first guest tonight has been a successful actress since before she was even bofrn, i think. on friday, she provides the voice of a fee lean secret agent in the new movie "cats and dogs, the revenge of kitty galore." please say hello to christina applegate. [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: now i'm confused. [ cheers and applause ] you -- you're pregnant with a sweatshirt? >> yes. >> jimmy: what's going on? >> it was all like a, you know, a spencer/heidi publicity stunt. >> jimmy: you're not really -- >> it's just smaller. >> jimmy: it's somewhere exciting to see the big, giant -- >> oh my gosh, she's like 15 mon months! >> jimmy: then i saw that there was a lump in it, i thought -- >> there's a zipper and a button. >> jimmy: there should not be a zipper in your baby. how have you been feeling? >> i feel okay now. >> jimmy: you were sick? >> oh, god. >> jimmy: who did this to you? >> yeah. right. exactly. who did this to me? i'm like everything that you read in the books, i've got it

all. >> jimmy: you do? >> all the things. >> jimmy: the cravings? >> the cravings, the morning sickness. i had for a really long time. the psychosis, yeah. the morning sickness is so bad, oh, my god. >> jimmy: how did the psychosis manifest itself? >> you kind of go a little coo coo. >> jimmy: you yell at people? >> yeah, yelling for no reason. just, yeah. >> jimmy: and did you realize, oh, this is because i'm -- >> it's almost out of body. you step back from yourself and you watch this insane monster, like, in front of you that's you, and you want to stop her but she's kind of funny to watch, you know? so, that's sort of -- >> jimmy: so you just let her go? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and have you decided on a name? >> no, no. we're going to kind of wait. >> jimmy: do you feel pressure because, as a celebrity, you're kind of required to give your baby maybe an unusual or potentially foolish name? >> yeah, i know. you have to look up the foreign looking names or name it zuzu or

something like that. >> jimmy: yeah. your fiance is a foreigner? >> yeah, he's one of them foreigners. >> jimmy: where is he from? >> from the netherlands. number two, number two! [ applause ] >> jimmy: i assume you're talking about the world cup. >> yes, we are. >> jimmy: not one of those text book things -- >> it's the pregnancy psychosis. no, just the ong -- >> jimmy: so this baby will be half dutch. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: how do you feel about that? >> how do i feel about it? i think it's awesome. i think dutch people are way cooler than we are. >> jimmy: it's -- >> they're taller. >> jimmy: yeah. they're taller, the dutch? >> they're all taller. just really neat. >> jimmy: they ride bikes. >> they're active. taller. >> jimmy: friendly. >> they spell their names really strangely. >> jimmy: how does your fiance spell his name? >> it's originally spelled

martijn. >> y >> jimmy: this is america. we don't like the j being in that place. >> i know. >> jimmy: it's not allowed. >> his name is not martijn. >> jimmy: you don't want that at all. you have to come up with a -- i've come up with a list of suggestions for a baby name. >> oh, geez. okay. here we go. >> jimmy: now, will the baby -- whose last name will the baby have? >> the dad's. >> jimmy: okay. not hyphen? >> no. >> jimmy: because you are the celebrity. >> i don't go with that whole hyphen thing. i think you go with the father's name. >> jimmy: lenobel is his name name.

ch chernobly lenobel. what about snooki? >> it's not after that clip. absolutely not. >> jimmy: jer majesty. >> that's really nice. >> jimmy: blanket is a good one. >> blanket was -- has always been one of my favorites. >> jimmy: this is going to sound weird. i think it's better for a boy than a girl. what about tar ball lenobel? just kind of like so you know -- well, the time you were born, there was an oil spill and we named you after one of the balls of tar from that oil spill. >> i like it. i like it. >> jimmy: you don't have to commit -- >> or mel gibson. anything that's happening right now, right? >> jimmy: a current events theme. >> i like it. >> jimmy: yeah.

bp mel gibson snooki obama tar ball lenobel. >> jimmy: maybe "inception" too. i like that. >> i like that, too. >> jimmy: where did your name come from? you have a normal name. >> yes. well, really, i was -- i was named after a painting, but if you really look at how it went, there was the painting and then my mother wrote a song about the painting, and then my mother had a dog, she named -- she named the dog after the painting and then i came, so i was sort of named after the dog, but -- the story is much better if i was named after the painting. so i stick with the painting. >> jimmy: you were named after your dog? >> i was named after a dog. >> jimmy: that's crazy. we had a dog named fluffy, we didn't name my sister that. >> aren't you glad? >> jimmy: we went with jill, instead. >> my mom had a dog named

christina. >> jimmy: that is strange. >> her favorite painting. >> jimmy: good thing she didn't like andy warhol. you could have been a soup can. >> tomato applegate. >> jimmy: no painting names? >> no, no, no, just a pretty name. or a boy, a handsome name. >> jimmy: hugh hefner is here tonight -- >> i've been to the mansion. the pajama party. the only female wearing a flannel pajama. but that's just how i roll. >> jimmy: they don't -- they mean, like, almost naked party. >> everyone's naked and i was in my -- i felt so out of place with pig tails. but oh well. he was so sweet when i met him. he showed us around and offered my cookies. >> jimmy: he did? >> this is not a euphemism for anything bad. he has special cookies. well, now it sounds even worse. >> jimmy: i hope you didn't eat

them. did you eat them? >> no, i turned them down just in case, but -- >> jimmy: i don't blame you. you'd still be there, probably. >> he has these, you know, they're like his favorite cookies that the chef makes and he doesn't let anyone else them -- >> jimmy: he didn't let me eat those cookies. he offered you the special cookies. well, that's something. >> that's going to be a headline, isn't it? >> jimmy: this is an interesting thing, i think. when you played kelly on "married with children" -- [ cheers and applause ] >> michael works here, david's brother. >> jimmy: he does audio on the show. when you worked there, you based that character on a person -- >> i did. >> jimmy: which i didn't know. a person you saw in a documentary? >> yeah. if you see the first season of "married with children" i'm more of a tougher kind of little, you know, 15-year-old. but i saw the decline of western

civilization part two, the metal years, and i'm watching this movie and this girl comes on and i went, oh, my god, that's it. that's who this character is. and the next day, i went out and got mini dresses with the wardrobe lady and we created this character. >> jimmy: we found a clip of the girl, and this is pretty great. >> i haven't ever revealed who it was and this is her. she -- >> jimmy: this is a new revelation then. >> my name is cindy. >> how has it been being -- >> it's been the greatest time of my life. >> what was the best part of it? >> getting up there in front of a million people and really doing it. >> what are you going to do now? are you going to -- >> i'm going to continue on my modeling and hopefully get on with my actressing -- >> jimmy: with your actressing. >> yes, yes. . >> jimmy: does this woman have any idea that this classic character was --

>> she will now. >> jimmy: well, in a way, she did get on with her actressing. >> i loved her so much. i get so happy to see that. >> jimmy: that's pretty great. actressing. >> you can't write that. >> jimmy: you were actressing in this new movie, a kid's mu view -- >> yeah. i hope so. >> jimmy: you started making kids movies at the same time you started making kids. >> i thought that most of the movies i've been in i can't show anyone under 18, you know, because of the, you know, the naughty language and things. i wanted to do stuff that i can show my goddaughter and my future child. >> jimmy: very nice. and you play a cat. >> i play a cat. >> jimmy: did you research the role of the cat? >> i lived among cats for many years, so i had sort of an inside cue. >> jimmy: well, the movie is called "cats and dogs, revenge of kitty galore. if you have children, bring them to it and watch it. it opens friday. christina applegate, everybody.

we'll be right back with hugh hefner. ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] new real fruit smoothies from mccafé have taken center stage at mcdonald's. spun from real fruit -- in strawberry banana and wild berry. experience the intense and spectacular burst of fruit, starting at just $2.29. the simple joy of real fruit smoothies. ♪ an everyday moment can turn romantic at a moment's notice. and when it does, men with erectile dysfunction can be more confident... in their ability to be ready with cialis. with two clinically proven dosing options, you can choose the moment that's right for you... ... and your partner. 36-hour cialis and cialis for daily use. cialis for daily use is a low-dose tablet... you take every day,

so you can be ready anytime the moment's right. day or night. tell your doctor about your medical condition... ... and all medications and ask if you're healthy enough for sexual activity. don't take cialis if you take nitrates for chest pain, as this may cause an unsafe drop in blood pressure. don't drink alcohol in excess with cialis. side effects may include headache, upset stomach, delayed back ache or muscle ache. to avoid long-term injury, seek immediate medical help for an erection lasting more than 4 hours. if you have any sudden decrease or loss in hearing or vision, stop taking cialis and call your doctor right away. 36-hour cialis or cialis for daily use. ask your doctor if cialis is right for you. for a 30-tablet free trial offer, go to cialis.com.

you can take the heat. 'til it turns into heartburn, you've got what it takes: zantac. it's strong, fast lasting relief. so let them turn up the heat. you can stop that heartburn cold: (sssssssss!!!) zantac.

>> jimmy: hi there, we're back. still to come, shane mauss. our next guest is a publisher, writer, lover and activist. he's the inventor of nudity. for more than 50 years, he championed puberty through the pages of "playboy" magazine. he's starring in a new documentary coming out august 30th. please say hello to hugh hefner! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's always great to see you. thank you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] how are you? >> i'm good. >> jimmy: good. great do have you here. >> my pleasure. would you like a cookie?

>> jimmy: what goes on with the cookies? >> i have no memory. i do have a very special cookie, so -- >> jimmy: you do have a special cookie? >> not that special. >> jimmy: all right. >> very tasty. >> jimmy: enjoyed the documentary. really terrific. did you like it? because you did not make this about yourself. >> no, it was made by an academy-award winning dock men tarn. >> jimmy: did you have any input -- >> not at all. >> jimmy: you just said, go ahead. and i assumed -- well, you wouldn't be here promoting it if you didn't like it. >> very pleased with the result. it is really, the focus on the part of my life people don't know about. >> jimmy: people don't know what an important american you are, i mean, people know about the obvious, what you've contributed to masturbating, for instance. [ applause ] >> that and the cookies, yes. >> jimmy: but there really was no -- there wasn't much in the way of freedom of the press when

you start eed the magazine. you couldn't send it through the mail. it's really amazing to see -- >> back in that time, there wasn't a lot of freedom in a lot of ways. >> jimmy: in a lot of ways, yeah. on your television show, i think you were the first person to have a black person and a white person singing together. >> yes. >> jimmy: which is crazy to even think about, because, technically, we had equal rights, but that sort of thing just wasn't done until you did it. >> i think the nice thing about the documentary is that it reminds people, or tells people who may not know how different things were back then. >> jimmy: they really -- we talk a lot of these things for granted, but there would be no hooti and the blowfish if it wasn't for you. >> i don't want to take responsibility for everything. >> jimmy: dr. martin luther king actually went to the "playboy" -- >> not the club, the mansion. >> jimmy: the mansion.

and these people that you hung around with, i mean, this is -- i mean, some of the great name -- miles davis and sammy davis jr. and other people named davis. a lot of davises in your life. >> yes, a lot. >> jimmy: and you were -- you were arrested, which i did not know. >> yes. >> jimmy: unfairly arrested. >> yes, well -- they had arrested lenny bruce for his act, quite literally, took him off the stage, and i objected to that in the magazine and suggested some things that were going on at chicago at the time and they arrested me. >> jimmy: and they arrested you -- >> they said it was because of a pictorial that we did on jane mansfield -- >> jimmy: you knew what the real reason was. and they tried to stack the jury somewhat. >> that's true. >> jimmy: and still you wound up with a hung jury. everything i say to you seems dirty. stacked, hung. >> that's the way it is. >> jimmy: and here we are now.

>> and having so much fun in the process. >> jimmy: you have having fun. but i'm worried about the fact that your girlfriend supply is dwindling. one girlfriend? that's ridiculous. >> i'm trying to settle down a little bit. it's a little late. you know, just trying to -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: last time you were here you were dating twins. what happened with that? >> ah, womeell, that passed. >> jimmy: when you break up with twins, do you do it together? is it as -- >> you have to say good-bye, good-bye. >> jimmy: individually? you bring them in -- >> say, good-bye, good-bye. yeah. >> jimmy: and, okay. but there's no way you can keep one of them. that's unacceptable. >> well, that would be breaking up the set. >> jimmy: you're -- you've been tweeting lately. >> i used to be a jitterbug when

i was in school and now i'm a twitter bug. >> jimmy:ddiaddicted. do you go on the computer -- >> i have an ipad. i got hooked on twittering. >> jimmy: i read that you -- you said, i found monday's "bachelorette" surreal. she took two to bed and upset when the third went home to a girlfriend. really? >> i thought that was curious. >> jimmy: she was really upset but laying in bed with other guys. >> well, i thought she had a right to be doing that, but why was she upset about the fact that the third guy went home? >> jimmy: i have an idea. would you consider being "the bachelor" for abc? you could be the greatest bachelor of all time. not that you -- i like to see what goes on. >> i am the bachelor. >> jimmy: you really are. you don't need -- >> i don't need the show. >> jimmy: you are the bachelor

with capital letters, i mean, really. you're still making love? >> oh, yes. >> jimmy: how frequently? how many times a week? >> i would say on average twice. >> jimmy: really? that makes me feel so bad about myself. >> that was my intention. >> jimmy: well, if you think you know hugh hefner, well, maybe you do, but you probably don't know the whole story. the documentary opening in select steps jucities july 30th. it is well worth seeing. the great hugh hefner, everybody. we'll be right back with shane mauss. [music playing] green tea with citrus? ♪ your morning's been rough ♪ ♪ so rough

♪ but you got the right stuff ♪ ♪ green tea with citrus ♪ boh ♪ on the bright side ♪ don't pout, the sun's out ♪ ♪ check big fin out [gurgles] ♪ that's tight ♪ ♪ now, you can make a tasty dish ♪ ♪ 'cause tea with citrus goes great with ♪ ♪ chicken announcer: lipton green tea with citrus. drink on the bright side. rheumatoid arthritis going? they'reiscovering the first self-injectable ra medicine you take just once a month. it's simponi™, and taken with methotrexate, it helps relieve the pain, stiffness, and swelling of ra with one dose a month. visit 4simponi.com to see if you qualify for a full year of cost support. simponi™ can lower your ability to fight infections,

including tuberculosis. serious and sometimes fatal events can occur, such as infections, cancer in children and adults, heart failure, nerus system disorders, lir or blood problems, and allergic reactions. before starting simponi™, your doctor should test you for tb and assess your risk of infections, including fungal infections and hepatitis b. ask your doctor if you've been to a region where certain fungal infections are common. tell your doctor if you're prone to infections, or develop symptoms such as fever, fatigue, cough, or sores. you should t start simponi™ if you have an infection. [ female announcer ] ask your rheumatologist about simponi™. just one dose, once a month.

tj? he's probably still writing that declaration. [ all ] ha, ha. [ jefferson ] whoa! oh, there he is. gentlemen... here we go! ♪ living in america would you like to be the second lady? ♪ who loves the benjamin? ♪ living in america [ male announcer ] it's the sure sign of a good time. the just-right taste of bud light. here we go. we should do this every fourth of july. as the towel used to dry them. so why use the same hand towen over and over, instead of a clean, fresh one every time? new kleenex® brand hand towels. a clean, fresh towel every time. [ sizzling ] we'll have that. [ male announcer ] with applebee's new sizzling entrees fresh flavor never sounded so good. try the spicy asian shrimp, steak and cheese, or chicken with queso blanco starting at $8.99! only at applebee's. now open till midnight or later.

i'm ready. let me see her. here she is. oh boy, she's beautiful, she's perfect. isn't she? how does it feel being a grandfather? oh incredible, how does it feel being a father? it feels pretty great.

sure, but do we speak hybrid? yes, we do. and we can say over 700 miles on a single tank and 41 mpg city, and all the words stick because they're true. we speak the most fuel-efficient midsize sedan in america. yes, we speak hybrid, and apparently quite well. fusion is now the 2010 motor trend car of the year. get in... and drive one.

hm get in... and drive one. dad, sometimes i feel like we're dwe are different, son.x we serve teriyaki bowls. delicious steak hm get in... and drive one. s÷dor grill c$,hicken on a bed f steamed rice, with broccoli, carrots and teriyaki sauce. you bet we're different and proud of it. but aren't we different in another way? we serve anything on our menu anytime of day. that's my boy.

>> jimmy: you may know our guest from "last comic standing" and his very own special on comedy central. starting tomorrow and through the weekend, you can see him live in minneapolis at the acme comedy club. please say hello to shane mauss. >> all right. thank you guys. so, awhile back there was this female track star who blew away the world championships, she busted all these records open. she did so great that they gave her a gender test. they were like, she's such a good runner, she must be a man. kind of insulting. turns out, she was sort of a

man. she's a hermaphrodite. that is scary as hell. what if someone sees me throw a baseball, like, oh, that is a lady right now. we need to give that arm a gender test. oh, guys, i'm a little concerned. i don't know if we have enough birds, you know, to soak up all that oil. oh, we'll see. like they didn't have a bad enough time down there, now it's hurricane season, the hurricanes are coming in, you know, because of the gays, right? i mean, everyone knows the gays cause the hurricanes. i don't know why it's the same time every year that the gays cause the hurricanes. like, i don't know if this is a super gay time of year where all the gays get their black vibrator magic wands out and swirl up those hurricanes. i don't know why you don't hear about that on the weather channel. adam lambert released a new cd

today. going to be a rough hurricane season this year. [ applause ] sure. that's encouraging. i'm kidding around, of course of i'm making fun of those crazy religious groups a couple of years ago decided that gays have something to do with hurricanes, which is ridiculous. everyone knows the jews control the weather. so -- i'm from wisconsin, originally. the big wi, yeah, it's a little like the wii, just less fit. and i moved to boston about six years ago and i forget how cheap drinking is in wisconsin. in my hometown, you can go, any night of the week, find at least one bar will have a special, $5, all you can drink. yeah. it's -- it's going to be illegal soon. but it's pretty crazy.

you can ruin your life without having to break the bank. it's a really good deal. you can die for $5. that's uncredible. you can't do that out in boston. i got pulled over in boston e recently, had to take a breathalyzer. i passed, but at the same time, i was like, what the hell. i spent $60 tonight. i better be drunk driving. i've been in a much better mood lately, so i guess the antidepressants are working. hooray, yeah. skeptical at first, but ever since my girlfriend's been taking them, wow, i have been so much happier. she -- she's a veterinarian. that's a good job. also come to find out, it is a disgusting job they have to hear about daily. she walked in the house and she said, yeah, i was examining this cat today and its anal gland

sprayed me in the eye. so i'm having kind of a bad day. and i was like, yeah, it just got worse, because we can no longer be together. [ applause ] we -- we got to go overseas recently, which was great, but here's a bit of travel advice for you. if you are ever traveling to a foreign country, remember to pack the lubricant, okay? because there is nothing more embarrassing than being in a pharmacy in a foreign land and trying to convey to them that you need lube, you know, like, luboritoski. me no make girl slippery.

the only thing more embarrassing is doing all that and then realizing that they speak english in england. thank you, guys, very much. wonderfuled fuful audience. >> jimmy: shane mauss! we'll be right back.