that's funny. well, i'm rich because... i know, i get it. i laughed. and i'm hearty because of your juicy steak, your potatoes, your pearl onions. so you're really, rich and happy. yeah see, i like rich and hearty better. [ male announcer ] pgresso. you gotta taste this soup. time now for tonight's "closing arguments." sarah palin was in iowa today, iowa where the presidential spotlight is always on to speak at the republican party's reagan dinner there and while palin backed candidates have enjoyed success, today she turned down her husband's advice to stay inside and run on the hotel treadmill. >> todd says, i guarantee you if

anybody spots you in the tennis shoes the headline is going to be "vanity fair" they're going to say palin in iowa decides to run. >> decides to run so tonight we just want to ask you simply would you vote for sarah palin for president in 2012? tell us what you think at the "nightline" facebook page or abcnews.com. watch "this week" with christiane amanpour. good night, america. have a great weekend. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. we have the very journalistic diane sawyer is here. we have music from ray lamontagne and the pariah dogs and i go back-to-school shopping

with nolan gould, the kid who plays luke on "modern family." have you ever seen "hogan's heroes?" >> huh-uh. >> jimmy: it's a sitcom set in a nazi prisoner of war camp. >> sounds funny. >> jimmy: you'll love it. you know what? you have to share the classics with the kids. "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes. so many of your favorite... subway footlongs... are just $5. [ male announcer ] score big with the $5 footlong sub made just the way you love it. throw on some mustard... a little bit of mayo... black olives... maybe a couple jalapenos. i like a little kick. subway. where winners eat. [ male announcer ] we asked zyrtec® users what they love about their allergy relief, and what it lets them do.

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so it's always right where you need it. so go on, get fresh ith a friend! >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- diane sawyer. back-to-school shopping with "modern family's" nolan gould with music from ray lamontagne and the pariah dogs. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now i'll tell you

what, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. hi, everyone, i'm jimmy. perhaps you know me from television. thank you for coming. thank you for watching. i know what you're thinking. who plucks those perfect eyebrows? well, guess what? no one, they're just like this. naturally. god plucks them for me. tonight was a special night. football is back. the 2010-11 nfl season kicked off tonight in new orleans opposite "project runway" making tonight a great night to find did you know that in europe they call football basketball? true. today was also rosh hashanah, which in spanish means the jewish new year, so happy new

year to about half of our writing staff. religious on rosh hashanah. we really should start stockpiling stuff over the easter break. but since we're a bit shorthanded today, we outsourced some of our work, and, well, let's check in. we have backup joke writers we use from time to time. let's check in with them now. okay, hello, guys. >> oh, hello. i love you. and how can i make you feel sexy today? >> jimmy: actually it's jimmy kimmel. i was -- >> oh, my goodness. so sorry. jimmy kimmel laugh line, let the chuckles begin. >> jimmy: okay. well, what's -- what exactly is going thereon? >> my sincere apologies. we were on the chat roulette. >> jimmy: oh, okay, all right, i understand now. what i call -- i'm asking -- i want to know if have you have a football joke ready for me. >> oh, yes, football.

yes, we've been working on one all day long. >> jimmy: okay, good. >> it will surely bring you big lols and fyis. >> jimmy: let's hear it. >> we're going to hear it? >> jimmy: sure. >> let's get our number one joke man, roger. come, roger. >> jimmy: get roger in here. yeah, get roger in here and let's -- oh, boy. all right, well, that's -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: somebody should have -- >> it's mr. jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy: someone should have given roger a heads-up. >> one second. here's the good one. >> what is a the difference between the detroit lions and cap'n crunch? >> jimmy: i don't know. what is the difference between detroit lions and cap'n crunch? >> cap'n crunch can get in a bowl. >> jimmy: oh, all right. cap'n crunch can get in a bowl. very funny, guys. and next time, if you could, wear shirts, because people need to eat breakfast in eight hours, okay?

>> oh, people eat the breakfast, yes. >> jimmy: yes, they do. >> that's good. you are mr. funny, mr. kimmel. >> jimmy: thank you very much, guys. thank you so much. it's a good joke. i'm not going -- [ applause ] i feel dumb repeating it, but -- those are grown men, by the way. they have families and the whole thing. mtv tonight provided us with another exciting and dramatic edition of "the jersey shore." i watched a full nine minutes of it before i realized snooki wasn't a football and switched back to the game. this week, a group of not particularly intelligent young people drank too much and engaged in casual sex so i did not see that coming, i have to say. as we all unfortunately know by now, ronnie has been creeping behind sammy sweetheart's back, and the other kids in the house are concerned that sammy maybe is having trouble facing reality. >> sam knew why they were together.

he was still dogging her. >> ew, you smell. >> the girl was pretty much peed on. he peed in many different ways. and, you know, she just took it and smiled discuss like when you're little and you want to believe santa claus is alive. [ bleep ] santa claus is dead. >> jimmy: well, that's -- kids, pay no attention to the situation. santa is just resting. he's -- santa will never die. so to help wake sammy up, snooki and j-woww wrote her an anonymous letter on camera. i'm not sure they have a full understanding of the word anonymous. anonymous is when you all vote the same way, right? no. anyway, the letter upset sammy, which led to a very intense debate, shall we say. >> stop! stop! stop! >> [ bleep ]. >> [ bleep ]. >> stop! stop! >> stop it! >> stop! stop! >> [ bleep ] me again i'll

[ bleep ] -- >> stop it. >> stop, stop. >> sammy. >> sammy, if you mr. bleep again, i'll [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: i swear to god when i was a kid, that same thing happened every time i visited my cousins. right, uncle frank? they'd have -- like someone would wear someone's brand-new reeboks and there would be a fight and handfuls of hair and my aunt chippy would come with in my uncle frank's gun and everybody would settle down. my aunt chippy is a big fan of the show. she's italian, she's got all the qualifications, and here she is with her thoughts on tonight's tumultuous episode. >> "jersey shore" season two is [ bleep ]. [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: all right, well -- [ applause ] she didn't like that one. this is a -- this is a crazy

story. there's a nut in florida, he's the pastor of a tiny church, he's been all over the news, every news channel today because he's planning to burn copies of the koran on september 11th. his name is terry jones. he's been condemned by pretty much everyone. president obama said what he's doing goes against american values. general petraeus said it could threaten american troops. al gore is upset about the carbon emissions from burning the -- would like the pastor to microwave it instead. even glenn beck and sarah palin spoke out against him. and then tonight he called the burning off because he said he made a deal with an imam, which is a muslim leader, who said that if he agreed to call off the burning, they would agree not to build that mosque near ground zero in new york. >> we have or he has been in contact with the imam in new york city.

imam but continue. >> with the iman here, i will be flying up there on saturday to meet with the iman at the ground zero mosque. the iman has agreed to move the mosque. >> jimmy: just to be clear, this is the imam, okay? and this is iman. she's a model. i think she's married to david bowie. the imam isn't. okay? and then to make it even better, the imam says he made no such promise, he doesn't even have the authority to make a promise like that because the mosque is being built by a totally different imam in new york. so now pastor jones says he may burn the koran after all. and there's another church now in kansas that says if he doesn't, they will, so this is all working out just as jesus would have wanted it to. [ laughter ] right? this is interesting. after, i think a year-long

study, scientists or something have found that overweight men saying for years, by the way. according to the research, men with higher body mass indexes last seven minutes longer than their slender counterparts. of course, six of those minutes are spent trying to find their penis but -- [ applause ] i don't know. i can't confirm this, i'm not a doctor, but we do have one on staff. whenever we have a medical story that needs clarification, we turn to our in-house expert, and that man is, of course, our very own dr. uncle frank. doctor? >> dr. uncle frank here, helping to keep you healthy. morbid obsessity says, a new study says fat men make better lovers. how come, doctor? is that true? fat men don't make better loves. thin is where it's at. if you're thin, you're closer.

you're not thinking of how you look if you're thin because you know you look good. if you're fat, you don't look good and you know it so it take as way from your confidence. you have to be confident to be a good lover. so when you're thin you're more confident. nine out of ten are thin. the fat ones are confident but intellectually, not physically. >> jimmy: thank you. thank you, doctor. one more thing. on a more wholesome note, for most kid as cross the country, this week is the fir week of the new school year. when i was a kid i didn't necessarily have the nice clothes or shoes or even when i went to school, so i'm very sensitive to that. kids should have everything they need to go back to school so last week i managed to find a real-life child. his name is nolan gould, he plays luke on

parents to this day still refuse to take me to do, and that is go back to school shopping. thanks, jim. i'm here with nolan. he plays luke on "modern family." you do a great job on the show. but you are a kid. >> yeah, i'm a kid. >> jimmy: well, we want you to look cool when you're in school, so i want to make sure you are all set. you have cool stuff. you're fully supplied. we have to stock up. whenever i stock up there's one place i stock up. and that is costco. this is about to get magical. all right. well, the first thing you're going to need is a paper shredder. that way instead of the dog ate my home work, you say, i shredded my homework intentionally. >> or shred it and say my dog ate. >> yeah, however you want to do it. >> jimmy: it's okay to lie to teachers. it's part of growing up. definitely need a boogie board. >> oh, yeah. you got to have one of those.

>> jimmy: oh, this is good. >> oh, nice. >> jimmy: jewelry. we're going to get you something classy. always have a set of keys to your local costco. there you go. >> there we go. yeah, awesome. i look like i'm in the mafia. never take sides against the family. >> jimmy: very good. oh, look at this. >> ooh, oreos. >> jimmy: samples. >> samples is right. >> jimmy: there we go. we just took the one tray. it's okay. it'll be fine. >> faster, faster! she's gaining on us! go! >> jimmy: she's gone. have you ever seen "hogan's heroes?" huh-uh. >> jimmy: it's a sitcom set in a nazi prisoner of war camp. >> sounds funny. >> jimmy: gum? are you allowed to chew gum in school?

>> no. >> jimmy: shaving cream. >> got to get that. >> jimmy: razors. eventually you will be shaving. oh, "eat, pray, love." this changed my life. >> it did? >> jimmy: yes. you know what? you're a hollywood kid. hollywood cookie diet. >> am i in heaven? >> jimmy: mega glosticks. >> sweet. we can have a rave. >> jimmy: you know about raves? >> yeah, of course. >> jimmy: you know what? >> okay. >> jimmy: hi. do you have any -- oh, my god. did you see what happened over there? you see all the fighting going on there? [ speaking foreign language ] no, no, see -- >> just grab the whole box. >> jimmy: gracias. oreos are mucho gusto. crabs. maybe not the best thing for school. do you like salmon? >> i love salmon. >> jimmy: all right.

and what about tuna? >> tuna's good. >> jimmy: you like ahi tuna? >> don't be a wise guy now. we're trying to shop for school. here's your salmon. >> okay. >> jimmy: nolan, we're going to go visit the oreos lady again. hi. how are you? oh, you have oreos. those look good. we're on the hollywood cookie diet right now. look, a bigfoot! oh, my god. okay, well, thank you. gracias. these are nice, right? >> yeah, those are. >> jimmy: you could grow into these. plaid is very hot right now. do you like rice? >> sure. >> jimmy: here. >> all right. >> jimmy: hi there. how are you? >> oh! >> jimmy: yeah, there's --

there's a boy in there. >> okay, that will be 1283.59. nolan, you have a credit card? >> no. >> jimmy: yeah, i have a credit card but this is your stuff. fine. i hope you appreciate this, nolan. >> have a good day. >> jimmy: thank you very much. >> awesome. >> jimmy: well, there you go. now you're the coolest kid in school. you're like chachi. >> all right. >> jimmy: do you know who chachi is? >> no. already, cool. >> jimmy: great to meet you. you're welcome. have a good year, okay? try to learn something this year! >> okay. >> jimmy: some child actors, weird things happen to them. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i'm talking like gary coleman. you know what i'm saying? i'm going to go back in the store. [ cheers and applause ] thank you, nolan. we have a good show tonight. we have music from ray lamontagne and the pariah dogs and we'll be right back with diane sawyer, so stick around.

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>> jimmy: hi there. well, to quote the great sly stallone in the movie "the expendables," "it's great to see everyone in one place." with us tonight -- i like this guy a lot -- this is his latest album called "god willin' & the creek don't rise," ray lamontagne and the pariah dogs. jessica stroup from "90210." we'll have music from shontelle and our old pal dax shepard will be here.

our first guest tonight is a five-star journalist. she's the anchor person for "abc world news" and tomorrow night she is co-host along with hated rivals katie couric and brian williams of "stand up to cancer," which airs simultaneously on abc, nbc, cbs, hbo and more. please welcome diane sawyer. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: sorry to make you go the long way. we don't even have another guest. >> i'm still circling around here. >> jimmy: don't worry. that chair will be destroyed to punish it after the show. >> i don't follow instructions well. >> jimmy: thank you for coming. >> it's very nice to be here. >> jimmy: or i should say thanks to abc for forcing you to come back here again. >> really, really, it wasn't that painful. >> jimmy: well, thank you, good. >> the milder form.

>> jimmy: i guess if you went to like afghanistan and haiti that this isn't -- it could be worse. >> afghanistan, haiti, where haven't i been in the last few months? i really started off with ahmadinejad, then we got to afghanistan and then we go to haiti and then we go to the mine -- >> jimmy: it's a terrible job you have. it really is. you -- when something bad happens, you go to it. and that's not the direction you should be going. go as far away in a comfortable, air conditioned studio. >> it's why we do what we do. it's why we believe in what we do. >> jimmy: i have to say, i can't identify with it in any way because i get miserable if i have to go to orlando for something, you know? sorry, orlando. nothing against you, but it seems so, well, scary, for one thing, and just kind of naturally a coward. and then on top of it, dangerous. genuinely dangerous. >> yeah. anything else you want to tell us about yourself? [ laughter ] it's really just a thrill to be here. [ applause ]

>> jimmy: i just -- >> i want to tell you something, though. >> jimmy: if it was me, i wouldn't go to any of those places. >> i have say the greatest thing about being here, i saw dr. uncle frank coming here. i did. and he told me that kathie lee gifford and i are in a sweepstakes in his heart. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. he talks about the both of you a lot. >> i feel you have to give me some tips here. we can take her. i feel i can take her. [ applause ] >> jimmy: well -- >> kathie lee, kathie lee, it's a smackdown. >> jimmy: yes, uncle frank, well, everyone here is in love, including myself. i have to say, we're always delighted when you come here. we really are. >> thank you. [ applause ] >> that's really nice. >> jimmy: unfortunately, you are married to the great director, mike nichols, not unfortunately for you or for him, but is he happy that you -- i mean really

is he okay with you running around to all these different terrible places? >> you know, i think -- first of all, he loves to see me doing what i love, as we all do. we love to see somebody really happy and in the middle of their passion all the time. and i think he's enormously relieved i'm not getting up at 3:45 in the morning still. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, to do "good morning america." >> though, his entire contribution for 11 years -- do you realize i did it for 11 years. for 11 years was this, he would rouse when the alarm went off, just rouse barely and lift his head up and say "tell it like it is." that's right. 11 years straight. that was his entire motivational speech for me in the morning. as i'm groping around for my clothes. and everything else. >> jimmy: that's great. it's good advice i guess really. this character, this terry

jones, that pastor, who has been threatening to burn the koran -- >> and the story keeps moving. you know, we still don't know at this moment whether he's still threatening or not. he's still deciding, as he says. about whether you wanted to come because i mean this guy is getting attention for something crazy. >> well, you know, it starts off as a small story, we see it in all the newspapers, and we, of course, are not covering it. but when the pope weighs in -- >> and general petraeus weighs in secretary of state clinton weighs in and then secretary gates weighs in, this is a story that tells you that there's something they're seeing that they think they have to define in this moment, and one possibility of a picture going abroad and a picture you cannot catch up with, and if you don't demonstrate in this moment exactly who americans are and what americans stand for, and that's why i think they all weighed in even though he has a small congregation down in florida, they weighed in to establish in this moment to the

world that this is not what america stands for. >> jimmy: and, yeah, that is true but -- [ applause ] in a way, though, they've now kind of energized maybe a couple of dozen other people who might do -- it's almost like when you watch a sporting event and somebody runs naked on the field, the cameras may never show them even though i feel like i wish they would but they don't because they don't want to encourage other people to do that kind of thing. >> no. >> jimmy: and in a way it probably works. >> don't you feel that something changed in the debate about the mosque near ground zero because, again, i think it -- it was a mosque that -- a debate that was centered around a lot of emotion and certainly people can argue on all sides of it. but again, people had to, in this moment say, we do believe in freedom of religion, and we do believe in respect for religion, and so that in some sense, i know the phrase has

been used too much, but the teachable moment phrase, it's a chance for us all to stop and maybe start asking some questions about, what do we really know about islam? what do we really know? >> jimmy: i know about kareem abdul-jabbar. that's about it. that's the extent of my knowledge. [ applause ] >> your ph.d. >> jimmy: there are people now saying, i burned the koran first. people are actual ly getting angry that he's getting attention, and they did it in the first place. >> but again, i think they had to make a decision in this moment whether they defined against it early or whether they seemed to say nothing hoping it would go away and let pictures go out. i really think they had to. and it -- can i do a shameless promotion? >> jimmy: yeah, go ahead. that's why you're here. >> that and because i was tortured into it by abc. >> jimmy: that's right. [ laughter ] >> got completely diverted.

but next week we're going to try to tackle some of the questions people have, so go online and tell us what you think are the central questions in these debates, and we're going to start that in this debate, and we're going to tart that and we're going to try to do something where we all learn a lot more about what islam really is. >> jimmy: do you think we're a stupid country? >> not at all. not at all. not at all. we're -- i think we're a brilliant country. >> jimmy: have you met my uncle frank? [ applause ] we're here with diane sawyer. abc "world news," every weekday and "stand up to cancer" airs tomorrow. we'll be right back with diane and ray lamontagne. we'll be right back.

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>> jimmy: hi there. hello. we are back. diane sawyer is with us. ray lamontague and the pariah dogs will be here and we were talking about -- well, we were talking about serious stuff but i want to talk

about not so serious stuff, in particular, i wanted to mention this movie, this jennifer aniston and jason bateman movie. for those who have seen it, there is a scene in which jason bateman picks up a magazine, you are on the cover of that magazine and uses it to help him produce a -- uh -- a sample -- [ laughter ] >> i'm not sure i -- >> jimmy: he masturbates to your [ laughter and applause ] >> is it too late not to come here? just asking. just checking. >> jimmy: no, it -- >> can we erase? >> jimmy: you can't tivo life, you really can't. but that's something. did you have to give them permission for that? >> i love jennifer aniston, you know? and word came -- i do -- i do love her so much. and word came in and a laugh is a laugh, you know? >> jimmy: well, yeah, sure.

>> of course i -- a girl's got to make a living so -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: so you gave it the okay? >> i gave it the okay. >> jimmy: did they tell you exactly what was going to happen? hey, with this magazine -- >> i'm kind of vague on that sort of thing, but i just figure, because i'm married to a guy who makes movies and funny movies and i figure, you know -- >> jimmy: what the heck. >> artists are artists, they do what they do. and she's so great, i love her. >> jimmy: i happen to know originally they asked sam donaldson to be on the cover of that, but he declined. he's not quite as free wheeling as you are. this is not the first movie you've been in, though. you've been in -- how many movies have you been in? >> you've not seen my early work? >> jimmy: well -- >> jimmy. >> jimmy: you brought some pictures. >> i did. i thought i would bring you my own little film festival to show you. >> jimmy: great.

so maybe -- tell us kind of what -- now, this is -- [ laughter ] you were "e.t.?" >> yes, yes. going home. and very chicly. >> jimmy: i had no idea. yeah, sure. >> exactly. >> jimmy: let's see. what else do we have here? this is -- oh, i think that's the -- [ laughter ] eddie murphy didn't play that one. all right, we have -- oh, well, this one i remember. [ laughter ] "free willy." wrangled willy. and -- oh, okay. this one is -- this is a newer one. what is it "step up three, the streets"? [ applause ] >> jimmy: all right, so, i see -- not a first. >> yes, no, it is certainly not. >> jimmy: you are doing this "stand up to cancer." is it a

stand up comedy special, is that the idea, i mean, or is it just -- because i'm not kidding, by the way. i thought you guys were -- there was comedy interspersed throughout the cancer -- >> were you asked? >> jimmy: no, i was not. not asked to participate. >> it's a great hour, and it is networkwide going across all the networks. >> jimmy: that's why i wasn't asked. >> going to be fantastic music and it's really over the course of the last two years, more than $100 million has been raised, and it is given to dream teams of -- [ applause ] katie couric, who is such a driving force behind this, and brian williams is going to be there, we're all going -- >> jimmy: but you hate them, right? you have to hate them. you guys are on against each other. it can't -- >> will i disappoint you terribly if i don't? >> jimmy: yeah, a little bit. >> we really don't. >> jimmy: everything is friendly. it's not like late night television. >> i was just going to say. because we know you don't. >> jimmy: it's a whole different

environment, i guess. yeah. >> exactly. >> jimmy: that's good. it's nice to have friends, i hear. >> it is. in fact, now lesley stahl at "60 minutes." we really are a close group. i think most people would be surprised how often we get together. and lesley and i get together. in part because we are often mistaken for each over. >> jimmy: you and lesley. >> martha stewart, lesley. occasionally meryl streep but i have to have had a lot of hair and makeup done for her, because she's so pretty. >> jimmy: i get emeril. [ laughter ] so count your blessings. >> it's -- lesley and i have an agreement. if she's having a grouchy day she just tells everybody she's me, and vice versa. >> jimmy: that's identity theft. you shouldn't stand for that. that's totally unacceptable. obviously you've done many, many interviews. have you ever been genuinely scared during an -- besides this one, obviously. an interview you were conducting, have you ever been

scared? >> scared as in physically scared or -- >> jimmy: like fearful. >> well, you know, sometimes you get a little anxious because you can't figure out exactly how you're going to get to the thing you want to -- probably the most in some way anxiety-provoking was saddam. >> jimmy: saddam, which saddam? hussein? >> that would be the one. >> jimmy: really? why? because he seems like a fun guy. >> no, he -- you know, the room was ringed with all of the aides who work for him, and i really was worried a lot about getting the tapes out of the country and i -- at the time i was asking some pretty provocative questions about him and had he killed people, and those pictures of him all over the city and did they embarrass him and why did he put people in

jail for criticizing him and a was pretty direct approach, in fact, he said to me, well, don't you do it in the united states, too? i swear, he said that. and i said, no, we give you your own talk show if you do that. and he looked at me genuinely perplexed, and i thought, oh, my goodness. he's been hearing actually only what he wants to hear. he's so isolated, he actually doesn't understand the context of the world he's operating in right now. but i was afraid about that, and i -- going just directly between the eyes at him after that, and you could hear all the aides around the room, every time i would ask a question, i swear, they would go -- >> jimmy: really? wow. >> and we'd have to pause and when he would start to answer, there would be a giant exhale, sort of a draft in the room as everybody exhaled, and we realized we were going to get out of the country. >> jimmy: wow. >> i wish i had known at the time -- subsequently i've known more about the fact that he wrote poetry. >> jimmy: he did?

>> he did. and i believe he wrote a kind of romance novel. >> jimmy: what? >> he did. he did. if you go back and look, he had a very -- i don't know, he had -- >> jimmy: was fabio on the cover? [ laughter ] wow. >> but he really saw himself as this sort of sensitive spirit in the world writing these things. i wish i had known more about that at the time because i might have gotten something -- >> jimmy: might be a little too late now, though. there's really no going back to the spider hole, is there? well, thank you for being here. it's always great to have you here, and everybody watch the "stand up to cancer." it's tomorrow night on every single network that cares. diane sawyer, everyone. we'll be right back with ray lamontagne. ♪

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