thought would never understand me. and the 13-year-old me would see me today, holding my dad's withered hand and see my dad, as he woke up from his operation, and him squeeze my hand, and look up at me and say, "joel, i'm so glad you're here today." and me say back to my dad, "i am too, dad, i am, too." and mom and dad, i'm alive today because you loved me. again, attitudes will change. life will get better. and you will have a lifetime of happy memories, if you just allow yourself and give yourself

the time to make them. thank you. >> he also said to the adults, the bullying and hars rasment has to stop. so, we ask you tonight, who should stop it and how? while debates rage over gay marriage and don't ask don't tell, who is responsible for the kids? and if you believe homosexuality is a choice, what do you make of joel burns' message? tell us what you think on the "nightline" page at abcnews.com. that is our report for tonight. for all of us at abc news, have a great weekend, and good night, america. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. on the show tonight -- >> from "red," bruce willis and karl urban. >> from "dancing with the stars" and "jersey shore," mike "the situation" sorrentino. >> and music from hugo. >> jimmy: see, i didn't have to do anything. "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes.

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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- from "red," bruce willis. and karl urban. from "dancing with the stars," mike "the situation" sorrentino. and music from hugo. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, believe it or not, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: thank you. hi, everyone. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for being here. i knew if i visualized you, you would come and you are real. tonight is tuesday, on which, a cruel ritual takes place on tuesday. as a nation, we gather around, and watch someone, a dancing star essentially get fired from their job, right? tonight a man known as the situation got the sparkly bead covered boot and the situation from "jersey shore" got the lowest score of all last night on "dancing with the stars," which means he will be forced to come here and visit us. apparently he was angry after his performance. he stormed off the stage. drowned his sorrows in l'oreal bronzing cream. it got ugly. last night the situation was on "nightline," tonight, they had last night, the situation. so they're -- this is pretty

funny. apparently the situation is making a lot of fun. so, chris connelly asked him about that, and i had no idea the guy was such a math whiz. >> you are making $10 million a year? >> you know what that is an estimate. the i phone app alone is selling 50 copies a day, and it's $5, so, that alone is -- in the millimeters, i think. >> jimmy: i'm guessing the iphone app is not a calculator. chris connolly asked the situation if he uses steroids. which i assumed he did. because they call each other juice heads and everything. he said no, i don't do steroids. in fact, i have never even so -- but i don't know. how do you, he doesn't use steroids, how do you explain what happened during his cha-cha? ♪ going to break, break break, break your heart ♪

>> jimmy: that is unnatural. that's what happened to heather mills. the second lowest score of the night last night went to bristol palin. what an entertaining she is. not only is she on "dancing with the stars," she's also now making an appearance in a music video. how she has time to do all this and convince teens not to hump each other. i don't know. amazing. her ex-boyfriend father of her child, levi johnson, his music it, i don't know if this is a response to that. or what, but wow, what a talented family. i mean, they're like the osmonds with semiautomatic weapons, they really are. not only levi and bristol making the music video rounds, even video with the rapper dmx. ♪ lick your hand and rub a baby's head ♪

♪ i said lick your hand and rub a baby's head ♪ ♪ lick your hand and rub a baby's head ♪ ♪ lick lick lick ♪ ♪ baby baby ♪ hand hand ♪ oh lick lick ♪ hand hand ♪ baby ♪ lick your hand and rub a baby's head ♪ >> jimmy: all right, well -- i think it's going to be a hit. that was dmx. new dmx. [ applause ] november elections are just around the corner. former president clinton has been out campaigning for various democrats. yesterday, he was in west virginia for senator joe manchin. even ten years out of office he still has the magic touch. >> $1.8 trillion in cash. we got plenty of money to put this country to work. we need a doctor here, this lady fainted in the heat. there is nothing the rest of you can do, so pay attention to me.

you'll just get in the way. she'll be fine. believe me, at my age, it's -- rarely does a lady faint on me. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what happened to feeling our pain? somehow -- somehow she loses consciousness. he takes it as a compliment. in other sex symbol news, justin bieber's all biography came out today. did anyone know that for three years he was a radical muslim cleric? the book is called "justin bieber, first step to forever, my story." 240 pages long. every sentence begins with the word girl. the book was placed on shelves this morning. already it's a huge best seller. >> justin bieber's book came out today. "justin bieber, first step to forever, my story" hit the bookstores and teenage girls everywhere were in line to get fans took to the streets, hand

to the stores, to get their hands on the heart throb's first novel. in total, 174 people were killed. >> jimmy: well, you know what? it was worth it. really was. this is the nice thing. for every copy, the bieber family is donating $1 for bowl cuts for tots. uncle frank, you like to read, will you read the justin bieber -- >> yeah. he is great. >> jimmy: what is your favorite justin bieber song? >> it hasn't come out yet. i know the song. nobody else knows. why mention it? >> jimmy: uh-huh. good thing you were a policeman and not a criminal, because -- if you don't actually want to read the book on tape, you can listen to it, the book on tape. unfortunately because of his busy touring schedule, justin bieber, is illiterate. he cannot read. he was unable to read it himself. the kid who filled in for him did a pretty good job, i think.

first step to forever, my story," on tape. >> the my first day has been sort of mythologized as beiber's dating disaster. i took her to king's, a buffet restaurant. yes, i wore a white shirt. meatballs. no, this was not the brightest idea. but it was a big drama too. >> jimmy: it looks -- it seems good. terrific. the big story around the world, even bigger than the justin biography today. after more than two months of being trapped underground in chile, crews right now are hard at work rescuing 33 copper miners. the rescue was to start last week. unfortunately, two hours before they were able to start, bp came in and plugged the hole. so, they can't help themselves now.

but engineers have now drilled a rescue tunnel. it took them weeks to finish it now they're pulling the men up one by one in what looks like one of the vacuum tubes they have at the drive through banks. you know, you put your money in it and it swooshes through those things. i miss those. i loved those [ bleep ] things. i really did. sorry for cursing. because only one person can get in the capsule at a time, it may take a couple of days to get them all out. one miner has a wife and mistress who found each other at the rescue site, they were there, waiting for him. he has asked to be rescued last. actually all the miners were arguing who goes last. to be polite they're saying you can go first. and, it makes me wonder if they're still getting paid. that would be some serious overtime, right? there are scientists down there from nasa helping out. building rescue shaft was remarkable feat of engineering i've don't know how it works or

anything works, to be honest with you. fortunately there are people much smarter than i working on all sorts of important things. tonight we pay tribute to them with our installment of "this week in science." >> this week in science. >> a new study suggests voting for a winning candidate may make some men want to watch pornography. >> good work scientists. now, back to aids. >> jimmy: all right, well, that's -- i'm pretty sure everything makes men want to watch pornography. this is something i saw on the news. parents of a 6-year-old boy who lives in ft. scott, kansas, are very upset with their son's first grade teacher because of an ill-advised act. >> a first grade art project has two parents in kansas so upset they're moving their son to another school in another city. on monday, the 6-year-old came home wearing this white cone-shaped mask. his parents say the mask looks like a ku klux klan hat.

>> a creative shape the kids can take different directions the i had kids make nights, princesses, put a crown, a cowboy hat, you can, take it in any directions. >> jimmy: it could be an upside down snow cone cup. it could be the spy versus spy guy. or a little grand businewizard the klan. sometimes it's possible to have too much imagination, itch think is the lesson there. this is fairly amazing. there is an elephant at a zoo in south korea that appears to be able to talk. the elephant is named kosic, for four years he has been saying various korean words. the elephant says things in korean. i can't even say things in korean. this is -- why it took four years for anyone to find out about this. a cat pounds on the keyboard on youtube, gets 50 million views. an elephant. here's the story, it's pretty cool. >> 20-year-old kosic can remember and vocalize seven words in korean. words such as hi and lie down.

or -- that was korean for good. according to his keeper, kim jong cap, his pronounce yags has improved a great deal. [ elephant sounds ] >> jimmy: you see, hold on a second. i want to stop the show for a second. what happened there was the elephant speaking korean, so -- the corkorean guy was speaking elephant. that's -- [ applause ] i think that's where the -- that's where there was a little bit of miscommunication. you understood that, right, uncle frank? >> right, i always understand everything. >> and just because i got the bieber fever, let's go back for justin bieber's book on tape. >> and i was like, baby, baby,

baby, oh. like baby, baby, baby, no. like, baby, baby, baby oh. baby, baby, baby, baby, baby oh. and i was like, baby. >> jimmy: wow. pretty good. we have a good show tonight. from "dancing with the stars," mike "the situation" sorrentino is here. we have music from hugo. and we'll be right back with karl urban and bruce willis. ♪ [ instrumental: rock ] [ announcer ] on rare occasions, opposites can coexist.

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>> jimmy: hi there. thank you, cleto. joining us on the show tonight, the latest celebrity to be kicked off of "dancing with the stars." mike "the situation" sorrentino and his partner karina smirnoff will be here, all greased up and ready to go. then later the first artist signed to jay z's new record label, here with music from his forthcoming album "old tyme religion" is the name of the album. hugo from the bud light stage. with his version of the song "99 problems." so that will be fun. tomorrow night -- gabourey sidibe, comedy duo tim & eric and music from mark ronson. and then thursday katherine heigl, julia stiles, and music from nas and damian marley. so, good night for an oxygen mask. after co-starring in their new movie together, our first guests

tonight swore they'd never, ever leave each other's side ever again. the new movie is called "red." >> bad move, grandpa. ♪ >> kordeski trained you?

>> yeah. >> i trained kordeski. >> jimmy: "red" opens in theaters friday. please say hello to mcclane and mccoy, bruce willis and karl urban. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: kind of funny. thanks for coming, first of all. you guys were savagely beating the crap out of each other and now here you are. i guess you made up. >> yes, we have. >> jimmy: how long does it take to shoot something like that? >> ten days. >> jimmy: for real? >> ten days. >> jimmy: what's with this accent? >> what's with the accent? >> jimmy: i always feel like a fool, on "star trek" it seemed like you were an american and i realized i had been duped. >> i'm from new zealand. >> jimmy: did you know, this bruce? did you become friends?

will it end when the blu-ray dvd comes out or a lifelong thing? >> okay. >> jimmy: as far as, i mean -- well as far as living in new zealand, when did you first become aware of the phenomenon known as bruce willis? sorry that you're sitting here while i say this, bruce. >> well, i think i was about 8, maybe 9. >> oh, god. >> it was a little show called "moonlighting." >> jimmy: you guys got "moonlighting" over there? [ applause ] >> jimmy: how about that? >> i watched it religiously. >> jimmy: and bruce, how old were you when you first saw "star trek?" >> 8. queue wow. so the same. do you know each other's birthdays and that sort of thing? how deep -- >> i do know karl's birthday. >> jimmy: when is it? >> august 7th. >> jimmy: is that right?

>> uh-huh. >> jimmy: it is. well, do you know bruce's birthday? >> i do. june 51st. >> killing me out here. >> jimmy: by the way, not -- you should know his birthday, not the other way around, you understand? this is a national treasure we have here for god sake. >> national treasure. that's right. >> jimmy: so, by the way, i loved the movie. i'm going to give you the highest compliment that could ever be given to a movie. i have a friend, his nams is james "baby doll" dixon. falls within four seconds of sitting every single time. there he is. that's him, that is typical evening. he sleeps with his eyes open. terrifying, really. so, last night, we sit down to watch the movie. i figured he is going to be gone, by, i mean really before the theme song is done playing at the beginning. and, he stayed, he was awake through the whole film that's how good it was. [ cheers and applause ]

>> we want that. >> jimmy: it is a good one. >> that's a good sign. >> jimmy: if the movie wasn't good would you come out and lie? you would? >> i would. i have lied. >> jimmy: you have lied? >> i have lied in the past. not about this film. but i have lied. >> jimmy: not about this one. would you care to name any specifics, or -- >> no. no. i'm sure you can just pick a handful of them. there are seven or eight. >> jimmy: there is -- an all-star cast to say the least. morgan freeman in the movie. you have got mary louise parker. helen mere mirren shooting a sniper rifle, which i found erotic. i really did. >> so good. >> jimmy: richard dreyfuss. ernest borgnine. >> john malkovich. >> jimmy: that's right. you know them all, too. karl, you're -- you're

relatively new to doing this sort of thing, and i would imagine that -- i imagine it's like, you know, kind of exciting to work with bruce. but bruce, do you -- like, get -- at this point, do you get excited about working with anyone? i mean, like, or is it just like, women, they should be excited working with me? >> yeah, we were the first guys to get involved in "red" and we inherited such a great, great cast. i was very excited. >> jimmy: who were you most excited to meet in the group? >> richard dreyfuss. >> jimmy: richard dreyfuss. >> jaws. we were calling him jaws. >> jimmy: you call ded him jaws? >> not to his face. >> jimmy: i don't think he played jaws in the movie. >> he was hooper. hooper? >> jimmy: you know what was i ran into richard dreyfuss on my honeymoon, an airport in martha's vineyard, guys working sky caps, spotted him. started yelling tinman as loud as they can.

tinman, tinman! richard dreyfuss, took it well. think he would be okay being called jaws. >> jaws. i never really said it in front of him. i recently watched jaws. it should be in the theaters right now. jaws. do you like it? >> jimmy: if they could put it in 3-d. i'm sure they'll reput it in the -- well, i guess they did the third one in 3d. oh, yeah, it's great. jaws caused me stress. i didn't go to the beach until i was 27 years old i think. and karl, how about you with this group? i mean, like, like a guy like ernest borgnine, do you, are you too young to even know what he meant to -- >> no, not at all. i knew quite a few of his films. he was pretty amazing to work with. he was 93 years old. he came in, did a full day at the office. incredible. >> jimmy: 93. >> 93. i'm not talking out of score here because he told us, to a bunch of reporters in new york. this wardrobe girl came up and said, oh, ernie, you know, i

just love all of your films, you won the oscar, you're 93 and you're still working. what's the secret to your longevity? he looked at her, and he said to her, well, honey, i masturbate, twice a day. >> jimmy: twice a day? [ applause ] >> the band chimes in, as well. >> jimmy: they only respond to the word "masturbate." so, did you avoid shaking hands with him, or -- >> yes. >> jimmy: wow. that's amazing. >> jimmy: i would love to see that. see a video of that happening. >> we brought a clip. >> jimmy: you did bring a clip? >> it's pretty graphic. >> jimmy: well, what the hell? >> it's in 3-d. >> oh. oh. nice. oh.

3d. >> jimmy: john malkovich seems like an interesting guy. how is he as a co-worker? >> great. great. no, no, oh -- i can't comment on -- the -- no -- >> his mind is truly unique. it really -- it doesn't operate like anyone else i know. he does, not only is he an actor, but he -- he writes music, he conducts orchestras, he designs his own clothes. >> jimmy: he does? >> he does. >> has his own line. >> jimmy: the clothes he is wearing are his designs? >> hopefully. yes. he designs his own clothes. >> he told me the story, coming through customs on the way back from wherever he gets these clothes from. i don't know. and -- and the customs officer stopped him. and he looked at these samples that he said, and he said, what's the value of these? he was like, well, i found

myself in an existential quandary. so i said to him, i designed these clothes. i liked them. but if nobody buys them they're not worth [ bleep ]. the customs officer confiscated the lot. >> jimmy: you can be too honest, i guess. really took the clothing. >> look the clothes away. >> jimmy: that's a pretty good john malkovich, by the way. >> it is a good john malkovich. i can't do john malkovich. >> jimmy: i read an interview, you did an interview with bill zeme, the great writer. i don't know how exactly it came up. but you described in detail how to kill a wolf with your bare hands. >> yes. >> jimmy: would you do me a favor? i would love to hear that description in person. and then i have a follow-up question. >> oh, good. >> well, the idea would be

really, uh, reach into the wolf's throat and grab something that is way down inside the wolf, pull it out. wrap it around the wolf's head. >> jimmy: you grab the organs? >> have i -- well, no, you would. >> jimmy: one would. is it a proven technique? does this happen to you? >> just one time. just one time. first moved to idaho. >> jimmy: seems hard part would be the initial getting of the hand and keeping it connected to the rest of the arm. >> yeah, the courage. but it seemed like the right thing to do. >> jimmy: have you ever killed an animal with your bare hands? >> no. well -- no. >> jimmy: the not even a fish? >> maybe a pigeon. i don't know if i hit it or not. i don't know if i hit it. >> jimmy: karl, killed an animal with your bear hands? >> yes, i have. >> jimmy: what did you kill? >> a fish.

skwk oh, okay. well, that's what i said so you stole that one from me, really. >> if you told me you would have asked me that i would have brought the proof. >> jimmy: really? do you have pictures -- >> not the fish, but the pictures. >> jimmy: well, the fish eventually will disintegrate or at least be eaten. and are you guys fishermen? >> i fish. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i'll fish. don't know if i qualify as a fisherman. i have fished. >> jimmy: you have fished. is there a gun at your head somewhere in this room? are we in danger is what i really want to know? >> standing right behind me. >> jimmy: this is based on a comic book, this movie, right? >> yes. graphic novel. >> jimmy: this is one of those things that, like, i only know the comics from when i was a kid and everything after is like -- i didn't even realize until i saw the dc comics logo at the beginning, but -- it's good. it's good. i liked it a lot. you both did a great job. beat each other mercilessly.

and, go take a look at it. it's called "red", opens on friday. bruce willis and karl urban, everybody. we'll be right back with the situation. ♪

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>> jimmy: hey there. still to come, hugo will be here on the show. our next guest might be the first celebrity in the history of "dancing with the stars" who actually had to wear more clothes and less bronzing cream than he normally does. tonight, he became the fourth victim of the evil mirrored ball. along with his dance partner karina smirnoff, please welcome mike "the situation" sorrentino. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what's happening? so, you seem fairly cheery.

>> i mean, what are you going to do? i mean -- >> jimmy: i was hoping you would punch someone or do something crazy out there? >> i mean, you know, i tried my best out there. i mean, obviously, i'm not a dancer, we all know that. it wasn't dancing with the professionals, it was dancing with the situation. you know i got to the fourth round. did my best and had to bow out and that was it. >> jimmy: did mike practice hard? >> he did. he put in a lot of work. >> jimmy: did he practice harder than any partner you have ever had? >> he definitely tried hard. >> jimmy: he tried hard. >> it was harder than i thought. i knew it was hard but not that hard. >> jimmy: yeah, it -- to me, it seems -- to me, it seems very, very, very hard, like, to the point where, forget it. don't ever even try it. >> no, i knew it was going to be hard. i knew i had to practice hard. but when i really got down to doing it, i was like, oh, man.

maybe i should have re, you know, rethought the situation. >> jimmy: ironically, you found yourself in a bad situation. >> yeah, pretty much. >> jimmy: we have video from tonight's show. i want to ask you both about this. let's roll that. now what is going on here? is that -- is that happening -- is that happening -- are you doing that consciously or are those just going on their own? >> well, you know what? that right there -- >> jimmy: you could have got points for doing that. >> working on musicality. >> actually, there was a very nervous particular, you know, and -- i really was trying to be calm and i was like, thinking, i'm definitely going to be eliminated, there's no way, you know, my fans are definitely going to support me and all of a sudden, you know, bing, bam,

boom, i was eliminated -- >> jimmy: your nipples started dancing on their own. >> it was a tense, don't want to say situation again. tense situation. >> jimmy: you got to work the word scenario into some of these things. so that was happening, you didn't even realize that was you seemed to realize it was happening. you even went, what the heck is going on there? >> everyone in the ballroom started laughing. i was like, what is going on? >> i knew it was going on. it was so tense. i was trying to break up that particular scenario. >> jimmy: yeah, right. did your family -- your family at home, did they call in and vote for you? >> i hope. >> jimmy: you need to find out. get to the bottom of this. >> need to get to the bottom of this scenario. >> jimmy: yeah, scenario. this is something -- i really like this picture. tell us -- this is your family.

this is a real picture or did it as a joke? >> no, that -- that was definitely something to do with the turtleneck. >> jimmy: four turtles gave >> definitely. i would have to thank mom. >> jimmy: that seems like a mom move right there. >> chalk that up to mom right there. nan thanks mom, for that. >> jimmy: thanks, mom, for that. carrie ann was here last night. and she said there is a lot of -- sex between the -- the contestants and their partners. >> really? wow. >> jimmy: was romantic between the two of you? >> i've been missing out. i guess. >> jimmy: you didn't know about this? >> i was trying to be good. everybody was talking about how i'm mr. bad and -- i was trying to be good. >> jimmy: when i heard you are paired up with karina. i thought, oh, boy, she's going to have to get, like, a fire hose or something to -- because,

you're pretty forward. >> i am pretty aggressive. at the same time i choose my battles. and, you know, i figured that i would call this one and try my >> jimmy: what did you think -- had you been watching the show? >> "jersey shore?" not really. but when i heard mike was my partner, i freaked out. but then -- >> jimmy: did you complain and ask to be switched to, like, david hasselhoff or something? >> well, good thing i didn't. but no. when i met him, i was pleasantly surprised. >> jimmy: do you find a lot of people say that? >> i mean, yeah. the character that they see on "jersey shore" is really a key hole of, you know, who i really am. >> pretty much the reason i took the "dancing with the stars" gig, pretty much, because i knew it was going to be hard but i was like, if i take "dancing with the stars," people are going to see that i'm really trying, i really have to work

hard and practice to get past each round. that's what i did. >> jimmy: the steroids thing, you talked about on "nightline," i thought the whole thing, juice head was that you guys did take steroids, or wanted to? loved steroids? >> no, no, definitely not. like i said, i don't have anything against anybody that takes steroids. that's their choice. that's their body. you know, i definitely don't do that. i take care of my body. i work out. >> jimmy: do other guys in the house take steroids? >> i don't know. i'm worried about me. not worried about them. >> jimmy: you're not under oath here. >> no. yeah, like i said, i don't condone it nor do i, you know, say anything if somebody did, you know, i'm really worried about taking care of myself. >> jimmy: is snooki on steroids? >> now, she may be. she may be. >> jimmy: do you guys think you will keep in touch -- do you have a phone call? who is calling you? >> oh, we got a situation. hold on a second.

>> jimmy: who is calling you? >> you are not going to believe me. my friend's name is the unit. >> jimmy: the unit? the unit? you guys sound like a repair manual. the unit. >> can't believe it. that was not on purpose. better lower the volume. >> jimmy: hopefully we'll get to see the unit on next season of "dancing with the stars." >> no, no. you know like, unit, batteries not included unit. >> jimmy: i got you. i've seen them. like a storage unit. >> not like a storage unit. but, you know. >> jimmy: we have -- somewhat sad tradition here at the show. karina knows. let's go to hollywood boulevard for the burning of the capezios. mike, tonight you were eliminated from "dancing with the stars," and now your shoes pay the price. guillermo, do the deed. america has spoken. and mike "the situation" your

dance card has been punched. mike and karina, everybody. "dancing with the stars," monday and tuesday on abc. we'll be right back with hugo. [ male announcer ] think you can only charge one thing at a time...? consider this: drop & go charging for up to 4 devices at once... the duracell mygrid™. simple and smart.

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>> jimmy: ladies and gentlemen, his upcoming album is called "old tyme religion." here with his rendition of the jay-z classic "99 problems"

making his network television debut -- hugo. ♪ if you're having girl problems i feel bad for you son i got 99 problems and a -- ain't one ♪ ♪ tip my hat to the sun in the west feel the beat right in my chest ♪ ♪ at the crossroads a second time make the devil change his mind ♪ ♪ it's a pound of flesh but it's really a ton 99 problems and a -- ain't one ♪ ♪ if you're having girl problems i feel bad for you son i got 99 problems and a -- ain't one ♪ ♪ 99 problems but a -- ain't one ♪ ♪

♪ like broken glass under my feet i can lose my mind in the sea ♪ ♪ looking for prize but i don't want blood all i wanna drink is drink the flood ♪ ♪ you can come inside but your friends can't come 99 problems and a -- ain't one ♪ ♪ if you're having girl problems i feel bad for you son i got 99 problems and ♪ ♪ a -- ain't one i got 99 99 99 ♪ ♪ 99 99 problems but a -- ain't one

♪ ♪ 99 problems but the -- ain't one ♪