failed effort to begin a new life and a last look at what might have been, the iraqi dan boarded a flight back home which is where dan harris visited him a few months ago. >> reporter: hey. what's going on man? a little over a year after dan left america i went back to iraq to see him for the first time. >> how are you doing? good to see you. >> reporter: good to see you. you have a beard. >> i do. >> reporter: initially, he strikes me as a little bit dejected. are there times when you wake up and say, i messed up? >> yeah. every day i think about what i did, every time i say, i messed up, and it's my fault. >> reporter: but after spending several days with dan, i start to see a more positive picture emerge. he's back with his family he's making rap music with his friends. he simply seems happier, and as he reminds me he still has his whole life in front of him.

but there are times when you think, i'd be better after if i never met dan. >> sometimes i do. but most of the time i say i'm glad. because i had to get over lying, i had to get over -- i had to find myself. you know what i mean? and i really did find myself. >> reporter: maybe i'm just kidding myself but in my more optimistic moments i like to think that this entire ordeal was good for dan. just a few weeks ago, he enrolled in college, where he will study to be a reporter. >> a fitting tribute to a journalist who tried to help. that's our report for tonight. for all of us at abc news, good night, america. >> dicky: it's the "jimmy kimmel live" fantasy league. presented by gmc. >> hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. >> i'm cousin sal. >> another week of very large, very fast men harming each other for our entertainment. let's go to the scores. >> team kimmel continues its

late season charge with a big upset of the sports guy. >> i for one, am not surprised. kimmel is the overall points leader and the class of this league. in other action, joel mchale wins. >> shepard rebounds big after last week's loss hammers adam carolla. >> and perry gets a big win over kristen bell. >> you played very well and i am not a sore loser, so congratulations. you'll probably be packing your bags for the playoffs. >> maybe. it's not over yet. >> i'm just -- just have your bags ss packed. >> just a giant pair of underpants, maybe. >> giant pair of underpants. what are you trying to say? >> trying to say, just pack one giant pair of underpants? >> do you wear big or small underpants, fridge? >> i hear what you're saying -- >> refrigerator wearing underpants those were some -- >> i know what you saying but

you're talking about my pants. >> yeah. i wasn't paying attention. what happened? oh. check out all the playoff action on the "jimmy kimmel live" youtube page. >> the "jimmy kimmel live" fantasy league right here every week. >> presented by gmc. i'm jimmy kimmel. >> and i'm his cousin sal. just shoot me. >> pow. >> perfect. >> dicky: to follow the action all season long, go to the "jimmy kimmel live" youtube channel and click on fantasy league for scores, videos and more. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" back in two minutes with kate bosworth comedian greg fitzsimmons and larry king.

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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's “jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- larry king. from “the warrior's way”, kate bosworth.

and comedian greg fitzsimmons. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" ♪ >> dicky: and now, stay right where you are, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. welcome to the show. i'm jimmy, thank you for watching. and i want to wish a happy first night of hanukkah to our jewish viewers. tonight is the first night of eight nights of celebrating and misspelling hanukkah. maybe there is no wrong way to spell it. because you can spell it start

with an h or a ch. you can have either one or two ns in the middle. you can have one or two ks in the middle and you can end it with or without an h, your choice. i think even spilling it what ka khan is acceptable. very flexible word. the story behind hanukkah is at i understand it, there was only enough oil to keep the men morra lit for one night but the oil lasted for eight nights. and, i guess that's a big deal? it's -- let's be honest. as far as religious miracles go it's not exactly the resurrection of the easter bunny, but it's fun for the kids. our super governor arnold schwarzenegger celebrated with jewish leaders in sacramento this morning. he was at the 17th annual state capital men nora lighting. >> a man who has been our friend, who always has that smile, that power, that energy.

ladies and gentlemen, welcome, for the seventh menorah lighting, the great governor of our great state governor arnold schwarzenegger. >> jimmy: oh doing so well up until the end, and -- that's okay. schwarzenegger can't pronounce your name, either. >> all of god's children, we prevent this to you today, continue, my dear friend wherever you go. light those lights. let's give the governor a great hand as he receives the lamp lighter award. >> thank you. >> goldd bless. >> well, thank you very much. wow, i want to know exactly what you drank this morning. it definitely was not decaf, let me tell you that.

but anyway -- >> jimmy: but anyway -- i'll be here all eightasy to get caught up in all of that, but hanukkah celebrates jewish warriors who against all olds drove the enemy out of their temple. we're going to ask larry king about it because he was there. he was on the scene. he was guarding the door. i tell you something, i had a good morning. i woke up this morning, for about three minutes, couldn't remember who won "dancing with the stars" this year and, i tell you it felt great. it really did. there's a big rumor, as far as "dancing with the stars" goes, the rumor is they're trying to get lindsay lohan to dance this year. hopefully they'll get dr. drew too, to make it a combo celebrity dance rehab show but -- i think that would be good for lindsay. she could use a calming influence like judge bruno in her life, you know? and i would love to see her vomit on len goodman.

last night anderson cooper had an interesting show on cnn last night. remember that huge underground drug tunnel they found running between the united states and mexico? he went there, the tunnel is unbelievable. it's all cinder blocked, it has rail lines it's got ventilation, lighting. it's got a starbucks. it's incredible. anderson cooper got to go in it and this will give you an idea of the lengths people will go to to smuggle drugs into the united states. >> tunnel is about a half mile long. and it was built, authorities believe, by members of a cartel. there's actually an area where you can stand up for the first time, fully upright, and if you look right up here -- >> peek-a-boo! i cannot believe that anderson cooper is in my tunnel. >> very close to the surface, to the ground. >> jimmy: i think that was the mythical chupacabra. was that -- [ applause ]

it's -- monday as you may have heard, was cyber monday which is the online shopping version of black friday. they say it was the biggest cyber monday ever. which might have something to do with the fact that there was no much sing as cyber monday until two years ago. none of the orders placed online with the kardashian kard. less than a month after it came out, the prepaid card is no more. they actually withdrew their endorsement of the card after word got around about what a horrible deal it was. the card, this is a debit card that cost $99.95 and the fees were $9.95 a month. it cost a lot and it didn't deliver much of anything which is basically the kardashian business model. but i tell you -- what better way to impress a date. i'll put this on the kardashian kard. the kardashians were just on fox and friends promoting their book, where co-host gretchen

karlson provided us with our unintentional joke of the day. >> what i found from the book so interesting was that you talk about how you were reared. >> jimmy: i think they made a movie about that, too. [ applause ] meanwhile, over on "the today show," kate gosselin was back on television, just as god intended. kate told meredith that she's no longer angry at her ex-husband jon and denied reports that two of her kids were expelled from school because of anger issues. kate says the kids are adjusting to divorce, but otherwise, they're doing just fine. >> beginning with your kids two of them, reports are they were expelled from their school. true or false? >> that is false. they were not expelled from school. they are excelling along with weekly therapy and they -- my kids are back, they're happy, they are doing well and it is so

great to see them feel put back together and normal and they're functioning and in a routine. we're very happy. >> kate gosselin, thank you so much. >> jimmy: they look happy to me. wikileaks today, another bomb bombshell. they revealed the identity of my secret santa, which -- seemed unnecessary to me. there's an international warrant for the arrest of the founder, julian assange. not for releasing the thousands of confidential documents, but rape allegations against him in sweden. he's australian apparently something happened in sweden. yesterday, he did an interview with "time" via skype. he was in undisclosed location. he believes hillary clinton should resign for ordering american dip lope malts to spy on their foreign counterparts which, thanks we'll make a note of that. i got news for you, pal. hillary clinton doesn't quit.

if she didn't quit on her marriage after she found out her husband put a cigar up an intern, she's not going to quit with this. thank you. there are persistent rumors that snoop dogg is going to perform at prince william's bachelor party, which what a letdown for sir mix a lot. you would think this would be the one gig he could get. yesterday, snoop even went so far as to release a special song for the prince. it called "wet." and it's tasteful. it's about female genitalia. it's very buckingham palace. wasn't snoop not even allowed in england two years ago? now he's hosting the bachelor party? that's how you negotiate a peace treaty, folks. i'm committed for his highness and by his highness, i mean both of them. the east coast is being hit with unusual weather right now.

storms have knocked out power in thousands of homes and believe it or not, there was an earthquake in new york yesterday. for, like, a brief few seconds, the statue of liberty became the world's largest personal massager. 3.8 birth quake centered on long island. very wealthy area. tragically martha stewart's souffle was ruined. fortunately no one was hurt but the violent shaking did cause a considerable amount of concern. >> we were actually experiencing an earthquake. i had no idea what was happening. one man said it feint like a mack truck hit his house. another woman told me it looked like her coffee cup was shaking around on a table. said it looked like that. that much shaking. >> jimmy: she's lucky to be alive. almost spilled some of her coffee. so, there you go new york that's what an earthquake is like. not so funny when it happens to you, is it? meanwhile, in louisiana, they had twin tornadoes. i didn't know there was such a thing as twin tornadoes, but

there is. look at this. >> tornado on the ground. two tornadoes. two tornadoes on the ground at the same time. two tornadoes. >> jimmy: it's -- i guess a double tornado is very rare. it's terrifying. kind of exciting too. and this isn't the only double weather situation we've had this year. in fact, on friday i don't know if you've seen the ads, but they're actually releasing a movie about it. >> two tornadoes. two tornadoes on the ground at the same time! >> double rainbow all the way across the sky! >> back up! back up! >> oh my god, oh, my god! >> go! >> oh, wow! >> stop! stop!

[ applause ] >> jimmy: we have a good show tonight. kate bosworth is here. author and standup comedian greg fitzsimmons is with us and we'll be right back with larry king. so stick around. [ male announcer ] come see what's cooking at applebee's. new flavor loaded steaks! we start with america's best selling flame grilled steak. then we load it up with fresh ingredients and savory flavors. like the steakhouse classic with applebee's signature sauce. best of all they start at just $9.99. there's also our bourbon street steak with blackened shrimp. the napa valley cabernet and portobellos. and more. applebee's new flavor loaded steaks starting at $9.99. there's no place like the neighborhood.

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y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y >> jimmy: well, hello there. welcome back. we've got a lot for you tonight. with us tonight, her new movie "the warrior's way" opens this friday. kate bosworth is here. then later a very funny guy is here. his new book is called "dear mrs. fitzsimmons: tales of redemption from an irish

mailbox." greg fitzsimmons is here. tomorrow host of the oscars next year james franco and music from darius rucker. is our first guest is a broadcasting legend, in 16 days, he will hang up his suspenders up for good and head off into the sunset, with his pants around his ankles. get as much of him as you still can on “larry king live” every night on cnn, please welcome larry king! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. thank you for coming. happy first night of hanukkah. >> thank you very much. >> jimmy: happy belated birthday. you had a birthday two weeks ago. >> oh, what a thing we had. >> jimmy: what did you do? >> well my wife can be a little erratic, kind of funny. >> jimmy: okay. >> about at quarter after six on my birthday morning, my 10-year-old, cannon comes in says, you must come downstairs. my wife jumped out of bed, which is historic in the first place. jumped out of bed and my other

son chance came in said you have to go downstairs. i go downstairs. there's a six-piece mexican mariachi band singing. i'm a jewish guy, i'm 77 years old. and she says i warned the neighbors. >> jimmy: well, great. and are they still in your home or did you call the exterminator? how does it work? that doesn't seem like a great way to start the birthday. >> it was -- when you turn 77 -- i'm proud to be 77. proud to be anywhere when you're 77. you sort of -- it's a day -- you're happy to be there, but it's not a big day. >> jimmy: i got you. i see. i would think, every birthday would get bigger. but at a certain point -- >> 75 was big. 70 was big. i hope 80. >> jimmy: 85. and then we'll see what happens. >> don't go to otb with that.

>> jimmy: i was watching you tonight. i watch you every night and it's weird for me to imagine that you're not going to be on anymore. because i've been listening to you since i was on -- since you were on the radio, i was a kid listening to you in the middle of the night on the radio. and -- >> 53 years i've been in the business. [ applause ] >> jimmy: unbelievable. >> so -- even though i -- it was time to go. 25 1/2 years is a long time. fact, we made the guinness book of world records. the longest running tv show in television tory hosted by the same person at the same time on the same network. >> jimmy: so, you have nothing more really to -- >> so -- and i -- i just felt it was time. you know, i had a great week we have an incredible weeks coming up. but i'm not leaving. i'm going to do four specials a year. i hope to do some -- there's a lot of things on the horizon, open to me. >> jimmy: i'd love to hear you

on the radio again. >> those were the days. talking to ryan seacrest. >> jimmy: chicken in the pot. >> you know those things? >> jimmy: lee hacksaw hamilton. >> you were up all night? >> i did morning radio. you were my morning radio show at like -- >> what city were you in? >> reporter: many cities but tampa, florida -- >> i was your comfort place. >> jimmy: absolutely. no question about it. >> you needed me. >> jimmy: i still need you. i don't know what i'm going to do. what are you going to do now? >> i'm going -- >> jimmy: four specials a year, but -- >> i'm going to do other things. i'll do radio. i want to do more television. i don't -- i love the media. this is a great -- come on. this is like stealing. this is a joke. no, really they pay you for this. >> jimmy: you're naturally curious. >> i like to be -- i want to do some comedy. i do a lot of conventions, speak a lot. i like making people laugh. i like telling stories. >> jimmy: you'll go on the road and do an evening with larry

king -- >> my wife will open for me she's a great singer. we did it in vegas, we did it in niagra falls. you know what a comic has -- you know this. a comic has something nobody else has. the power to walk on a stage, have an audience in the grasp of your hands, make them laugh. there's nothing like that. there's no bigger high. bigger than sex. >> jimmy: really? and if you can combine both that's the show you really want to see, you know? got the wife there, why not? big finale you know? >> the wife is there, she's backstage, what the hell. >> jimmy: and i heard you're opening a bagel shop which, i'm -- >> let me explain what this is. these two very adventurous guys came to me said we have a play in del ray beach, florida, called the brooklyn water bagel company. and he said we can make the water in brooklyn which is the

best tap water in america, we can manufacture this and we're starting a series of sfran chizs. we would like you to be our spokesperson. in return for that we'll make you part of the company and the first, the next franchise place will be in beverly hills, california, where you live. so, i said that's terrific. i tasted the bagels they are great. we open in january. we expect to have you there for the opening. >> jimmy: i'll be there. >> going to have a big night. they're going to franchise this all over the country. and the guy putting the franchise together is the guy who did that these $5 -- >> jimmy: the subway. >> the subway guy. >> jimmy: are these the real things, boiled and baked? >> they -- >> jimmy: you boil them. you have to learn this larry. you boil them and then you bake them. >> i don't cook them. >> jimmy: you will not be there making bagels? >> i'm jewish. i stand out front and look. that's like -- my wife we go skiing asking me to ski. we have a home in provo, utah.

i'm the only jew there. so, they say you go skiing no no, no we own the slope. >> jimmy: right. you don't ski. >> but -- back to the bagels. >> jimmy: bagels yeah. >> new york city water, brooklyn water, new york, queens is the best water in the country because -- because when they built the water system in new york, they used copper. copper doesn't rust. so, the water purifies itself. >> jimmy: oh really? i didn't know any of that. >> and that's why. you're a food expert. you know -- >> jimmy: i know bagels. >> the bagel tastes better in new york. >> they are. the pizza tastes better. you may be the greatest cook in the world. but what water are you using? >> jimmy: you know that drug tunnel anderson cooper found? i've been water in from mexico. >> that is a great idea. >> jimmy: you have obviously done tens of thousands of interviews over the course of your career. you've gotten to know -- well

you know all the presidents. how far back to you go with the presidents? >> nixon. >> jimmy: nixon. and kennedy is a guy that you interviewed -- >> i never interviewed kennedy. i interviewed bobby. but i had an unusual experience with john kennedy. >> jimmy: what was it? >> okay. he was -- sunday morning in palm beach, right? and three other disc jockeys and myself, just 23 years old, living in miami, we had never seen palm beach. so, it was a beautiful sunday morning. so, said, let's drive up see what palm beach is like. we had this beat up old convertible, and i drove. one guy in the front, two guys in the back. palm beach, if you drive up the shore, you have done that -- >> jimmy: no, i haven't. >> the coastline, there's just the water on one side and the beautiful estates on the other, so, i'm looking at the estates. then i look up and there's a red light. and i'm doing about ten miles an hour. bam, i hit a car. a guy in a convertible. sunday morning, 10:30. the guy gets out and it's

senator john kennedy. >> jimmy: wow. >> and he goes like this. how could you hit me? there's two cars on the road it's 10:30 sunday morning, how could you hit me? so, i said, that's a good question. i was looking at the homes and we're four guys we're disc jockeys, we live in miami. i said, do you want to exchaung? he says, no there's no damage. but raise your hands, swear that you will vote for me. i'm going to run. >> jimmy: really? >> i voted for him. >> jimmy: of course. you had to. [ applause ] you'd think that incident would have taught him not to drive around in convertibles. oh, wait a minute. too soon? too soon? i'm sorry, larry. >> you know, great thing in the history of humor. when is something funny? >> jimmy: apparently we need a couple more years.

>> like, i think you can do -- well, let's see. bob newhart proved you can do lincoln funny. >> jimmy: that was awhile ago, though. >> you need a few more weeks. >> jimmy: we're going to let that bake for a few more years. >> how do you know about how to make bagels? >> jimmy: i make them at my house. i do all sorts of -- i would dazzle you with my cooking. i could be your next wife larry. i'm telling you. i want you to think about this. >> you want me to bring her out here? >> jimmy: i'm sorry. guillermo? lock the doors. great to see you. i'm excited to see the next couple weeks of your shows. you had some night tonight. tomorrow night mike tyson. really running the gameut this week. >> friday night, carlos slim. $56 billion. >> jimmy: who is scarier, putin or tyson?

>> neither one. no, no no mike tyson is now a gentle funny soul who is very bright. and putin is -- he would be a successful american politician. >> jimmy: you're going to visit him. >> he invited me to moscow. i've never been there. my mother was from russia. my father was from austria. i'm going to go. i would love to see. >> jimmy: i think you're going to have a lot of fun. and, you know you don't have to interview la toya jackson anymore. that's the best part of this. >> there's a good side of leaving. >> jimmy: there you go. larry king, everybody. "larry king live" on cnn. we'll be right back with kate bosworth. [ male announcer ] first is the first 4g phone. first is live video chat on the go. so you can be face-to-face even when you can't be.

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>> jimmy: hello there. still to come on the show, greg fitzsimmons will be here. you know our next guest from "blue crush", “21”, and "superman returns" among other films. her latest called "the warrior's way" opens in theaters friday. please welcome kate bosworth.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well first of all, happy hanukkah to you. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you -- hey, we're speaking about larry in russia you were just in south korea. >> i was. >> jimmy: are you the one that started the trouble over there? >> well, you know, i'm known to be a bit mischievous, but not that -- >> jimmy: when you're there in the middle of it, do you have an idea of what's going on? >> well, it was quite bizarre, to be honest because, you know i flew there recently for press, this "warrior's way" has a korean star and director. so, we flew there to do press there. flew in, went to sleep, woke up, ordered room service, flipped on the bbc -- literally, war's broken out in south korea, and

you don't really know -- it's so bizarre, like, the concept of being -- >> jimmy: wait a minute i'm in south korea. that seems bad. >> it was very weird, because, yeah, i've -- i never experienced anything like that. i don't know if you have. >> jimmy: no i can't say that i was. >> but it was interesting. >> jimmy: did the people seem -- were they on edge? >> well tension between south and north korea apparently is -- it's kind of so common place now that, what the woman said to me who i asked said it's so foreign to us that you have handguns and have shootings all the time. it's just so alien, the idea of that, that it must be like an equivalent in a way. >> jimmy: so it's like it's the same kind of deal as something going on and this is how -- >> well, the tension, i mean now i feel like it's probably you know -- >> jimmy: you should go back and find out. it seems like -- you can't just leave them in a lurch over there. you said your director is korean and your co-star is korean. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and your co-star is a

big star in korea. >> he is. he literally is like the brad pitt of korea. it's pretty wild. >> jimmy: i was told i was the brad pitt of korea. that's disappointing. i feel like i was lied to. he's the brad pitt of korea. does that mean he adopts a bunch of white kids? how does that work? if you're the brad pitt of korea. but he's like a -- and the director, so does the director speak english? >> yes. he does. he speaks it -- no he speaks it well, but the only kind of tricky part when communicating with him especially when you're making art is basically kind to find the shades of emotion, so -- >> jimmy: i always wonder about that, because it seems odd to me that -- there's so much subtlety -- >> yeah, there is. and so for example if he were to say i think that my character should be angry, i would say, really angry, that feels strong but i'm go for it and i would do it he would say,

maybe too much and i would have to play a bit of a guessing game. is it irritated ageing a frustrated -- >> jimmy: you had to go through a teehethesaurus with him. >> right. >> jimmy: and you did some martial arts in the film. >> i did. it was sort of like a ballet. it was very sort of poetic. the sequences. so, i really wished that i had had more kind of dance background because -- >> jimmy: same here. >> i feel unbelievably -- i feel unbelievably uncoordinated. there were moments where i thought, oh, man -- >> jimmy: what did you eat over there? did they have bagels? what's the water like? i mean what -- i know there's -- we have like, korean barbecue. is that the kind of thing that

you have over there? >> yeah. >> jimmy: that sounds good to me. you have to worry about what animal you're eating right? >> no. >> jimmy: they eat dogs over there. >> that is so not true. >> jimmy: cleto, you're mexican, right? they do eat dogs over there, i mean -- >> i don't know how you deal with him. >> jimmy: it's true. they do eat dogs. i know people get, like weird about it but the fact of the matter is, dogs are being eaten in korea. >> i -- >> jimmy: and you probably ate one. >> i ate no dogs. i ate no dogs. >> jimmy: you didn't eat any dogs are you sure. do you know the word for dog? you have to be careful. >> i ate some really -- i'm a carnivore. i hear you're a cook. >> jimmy: look at me, of course i am. >> there is beautiful, really amazing marbled beef. >> jimmy: do you cook it yourself? >> it is a little like that. they have a little kind of like, barbecue pit, basically,

on your table with the coals. it's really good. >> jimmy: i wish i had one on my desk. ? just all the time. >> jimmy: and they keep bringing it out? >> they do. and, you knows you're so full because it's so delicious and just melts in your mouth and then they come back and they say, was it all very delicious. they say it was so delicious. thank you so much. and they're like which was your favorite. and i would say, well the rib meat was my favorite. we have an encore. and that favorite comes back and you are like oh it's so good that you don't know how to turn it away. >> jimmy: that's the greatest thing i've ever heard. >> the encore. >> jimmy: really? so, dessert is more meat over there. >> literally. >> jimmy: what are the cocktails? gravy gravy? >> it's basically tuna like bended up in ice and the ice balls are ripped open and the blood is put in the cocktail. >> jimmy: okay, well i would skip that, then. but the meat sounds good.

congratulations on the film. it opens on friday. kate bosworth everybody. we'll be right back with greg fitzsimmons. who are they? what do they want? in order to save our civilization we must schmeplicate with the male of your species. in exchange, we offer this... schmeplicate? bud light? [ buzzes ] here we go! i'm doing it... for all of us. [ male announcer ] it's the sure sign of a good time. the just-right taste of bud light. [ woman #1 ] the guys are gone. here we go. whoooohoo! whoooohoo! whoooohoo!

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brother ] hey, that's the last crescent. [ younger brother ] oh, do you want it? yeah. ok, we'll split it. [ female announcer ] made fresh, so light... ...buttery and flaky... this is half. that is not half. guys i have more. [ female announcer ] do you have enough crescents? [ female announcer ] pillsbury cinnamon rolls with cinnabon cinnamon have such a sweet and delicious aroma that my family can't wait to get their hands on them. enjoy cinnabon cinnamon... now in all pillsbury cinnamon rolls. >> jimmy: our next guest is the author of this new book, "dear mrs. fitzsimmons: tales of redemption from an irish mailbox." you can see him live at the wilbur theater in boston on january 29th.

please welcome greg fitzsimmons. >> thank you. thank you very much. this country's scared. i spent 38 minutes going through airport security last week and i know exactly how long it took because later that night, i found the tsa screener's watch stuck between my ass cheeks. it's excessive. we have nothing to be afraid of. we're america. we're always going to be fine. why? because we have a lot of water. notice the poor countries? kind of dry. here it's a joke. we have so much water, we just blast it into the sky. we have fountains. what is a fountain? it's just us showing off. look at all this water we got. and, you can't even buy a small

shower head anymore. now it's a manhole cover that's dropping 1,000 gallons a second. but that's not wet enough. how about four other shower hechlds at other angles? i can just stand there. one in the face one in each pit, one's hitting my nuts from behind. not wet enough. i need more. blow steamed water in that i can inhale and i'll drink a bottle of water while in here. bring me the water of an impoverished third world island nation. fiji. bring me fiji's water, because they have very little. i want that. grab me one of those unicef boxed lunches while you're over there. i'll wait here in the shower. oh, don't moan. it's okay. i love when people get sad. it's okay. it is a scary time though i can understand people's houses are being foreclosed, we have an

attractable war in the middle east. when things look this bleak, we need comedy. enter sarah palin. she may not fix anything, but she can cheer us up. it's like when you're at a rodeo and the worst things happen, the guy falls off and the bull is trampling him, there's guts hanging out, everybody is just like, when are they going to send in a medic. what do we send in? a clown. sarah palin is our political rodeo clown. when she's in the white house some day, they're going to swap out hail to the chief and it's just going to be -- [ laughter ] i had sex with my wife last week. yeah, it was pretty sweet. thank you. thanks very much. [ applause ] yeah. and we just rescued a dog and i forgot to lock the dog out of the room and halfway through i just hear -- i'm like -- he's

staring in my eyes. and it's just very strange to be having sex with my wife and have a living thing making eye contact with me. including my wife. when you're married, you don't look at each other. no, that just frightens you. it's like, what? what did i forgot? you're creeping me out. just watch the family guy over my shoulder like you usually do. staring at me. so, now the dog, he's staring at me, he thinks this is a game. he's like, what are we doing? how do we play? i jump on you? he's trying to lick my face i'm pushing him away. she's pushing him away. notice, we're not stopping. no. when you have two small kids you don't stop. if i hesitate it's over. she's like, i got to throw laundry in the showdrier. the only wail you'll finish if you hold on and follow her around doing errands.

[ applause ] yeah, dog. so, now the dog's licking my foot. i'm having sex with my wife, i have a dog licking my foot. it's fine. i don't care. go ahead. i'm having sex i got a cute little puppy tongue on my toe. it was pleasant. it was pleasant. you know when you're having hot, sweaty sex, the ceiling fan is on, you get a breeze on your ass -- that was pleasant. i got to remember to do that. send that dog in. thank you very much. thank you. thank you. good night, everybody. >> jimmy: greg fitzsimmons, everybody. we'll be right back. money. $200 bucks? that's not saving! [jacks voice] at my place i'm bringing back the bonus jack. two patties, melting cheese and my

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>> jimmy: we're back with greg fitzsimmons. this is his book. greg what you've done here is you somehow saved every letter you ever got as a kid. >> well, my mother did. >> jimmy: your mom did? >> we're irish, so it was almost like -- this is my trophy case. she saved every letter showing that i had followed orders and done the opposite of what i was told to do. >> jimmy: do you mind if i read one of these? >> please jimmy. >> jimmy: let me be frank. mr. fitzsimmons'