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>> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. this is the new "sports illustrated" swimsuit issue. it is on sale now -- on the newsstands, in the supermarket, on si.com. there's a 3d video on sony playstation network. you can watch video from launch week on the si facebook page. there are smart phone apps, and guillermo just got back from las vegas, where he got to talk with a few of the swimsuit models. >> i wasn't just talking jimmy, if you know what i mean. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, i don't know what you mean. >> roll the tape.

hello swim suit model. >> hi. is it a problem if i brought a couple of friends? >> no problem. no problem at all. ♪ ♪ >> dicky: the "sports illustrated" swimsuit issue -- now available on newsstands, online, and the sony playstation network. plus, apps are available on iphone, android smart phones, ipad and samsung galaxy. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with henry winkler, music from cake and cameron diaz. bicycle bell g

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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- cameron diaz. henry winkler. and music from cake, with cleto and the cletones, ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, ready or not, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for watching, thanks for coming. did you have trouble getting through oscar security? the oscars are right across the street from us. the red carpet is being rolled

out. they're putting up the stands, the curtains are being hung. the homeless people are being shipped to san diego. it's all in preparation for the 83rd annual academy awards, live this sunday night at 8:00 eastern/5:00 pacific right here on abc. a big part of the fun of the oscars is trying to pick the winners in advance. we have a big pool here at the office. a lot of people do. i find it is a great way to get people who don't like sports addicted to gambling. now you remember that octopus, paul the octopus, which predi predicted all the winners for the world cup last year? he got all of them right and then he died. but before he died -- he is dead. he picked eight winners in a row. if you bet $100 with paul at the start of the world cup, you would have won more than $25,000. that's a lot of money. so, we decided that we would also look to the animal kingdom

to help with our oscar picks. we searched far and wide for an animal with the vision to guide us and we settled on this adorable specimen. this is heidi, the cross-eyed possum. the pride and joy of a zoo in germany. they have a prehistoric exhibit opening in july and all this week, heidi is going to help us predict the oscar winners from the zoo. because, well, i don't know why. it seemed like a funny thing to do. that's why. so, tonight, heidi is dog going tell us who she believes will win best actress. there she is. as you can see, we've set up five statues, each representing a winner. michelle williams, nicole kidman, annette bening and natalie portman. the first statue that heidi

touches with her paw will be the winner. so, there's heidi. and as you can see, she is -- she does have crossed eyes. heidi's now, i guess that's her pen or whatever they call it. oh, oh. sniffing around the nominees, which is -- that's what i do when i meet them, too. perfectly normal. and, okay, so, oh, there's snitching, but again we're waiting for her to touch one with her paw. and she doesn't seem -- well, you can't rush a possum, you know, that's -- she's dragging this out longer than ryan seacrest. looks like she's going to lift a leg and pee -- oh, and she picked none of them.

we'll come back to heidi in a little bit, then, i guess. when she gets near the statues, just break in, all right? by the way, after the academy awards, i hope you'll remain awake for our sixth annual "jimmy kimmel live" after the academy awards special. [ applause ] you haven't even seen it yet, but i appreciate it. tom hanks will be here. music from ceelo green and a big video project. it's important you watch while it's happening. that way when your friends e-mail it to you the next day, you go, yeah, i know, i saw it. rush limbaugh yesterday had some unkind words for the obamas. i know, i couldn't believe it, either. on his show, he criticized michelle obama for eating ribs for dinner while in vacation in colorado. he said mrs. obama is a hypocrite because she promotes healthy eating and ate ribs, which, well, isn't that the morbidly obese pot calling the

keting african-american? he said she doesn't look like she follows her own dietary advice. i love that rush is commenting on somebody else's weight. this guy would eat his own ribs if you put sauce on them. the idea that someone as weighty as rush limbaugh would call someone else fat is kind of hilarious. we decided to take the audio from rush's rant yesterday and combining it with video from "the flintstones." here's how that came out. >> michelle obama is urging, demanding, advocating, demanding cardboard and tofu. michelle, my bell, took the kids out to vail and they were spotted eating and feasting on ribs. ribs that were 1,575 calories per serving with 141 grams of fat.

she is a hypocrite. [ applause ] >> jimmy: i think maybe a warmup to some in that cup. the first lady is dealing with ribs gate, her husband may be dealing with something stupider. ted williams, the man with the golden voice, a video of him became a big hit online. he was a media darling for nine days and then he got drunk and dr. phil sent him to rehab. well, he's back now and he says he's heading to washington, d.c. where he hopes to meet the president. the president blocks out about 40 minutes a day to meet with viral video stars. today he had lunch with the double rainbow guy. they had ribs. it was delicious. the most interesting part of the story is ted williams, after he bolted from rehab, had been living in a sober house for voiceover artists. there's a sober house specifically for voiceover

artists. they must have great morning announcements, by the way. i had no idea such a place existed but apparently it does. >> ted williams, the homeless man with the golden voice, is heading to washington, with hopes of meeting the president. >> i'm hoping to get an invitation to the white house. >> reporter: williams, who skyrocketed to fame after being discovered on youtube, has been residing in a sober-living halfway house for members of the voiceover community. others send sent well wishes. >> he's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. >>. >> jimmy: it's very sad. [ applause ] so, that's -- hey, this is good. last week, a guy named tom shaw who runs a performance enhancement camp in orlando, training a group of nfl hopefuls for the upcoming draft.

he decided to have a little fun at their expense. >> each prospect was warned that a gorilla escaped from the animal kingdom. many replied in the way you would expect. that's until -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they're not known for their intelligence. by the way, that's -- that's why i never played in the nfl. i have an intense fear of goril gorillas. big news today. justin bieber has cut his beautiful hair. omfg, right. here's the new look. they cut it for a video they did with rascal flats. apparently thousands of fans unfollowed him on twitter after the hair cut. and he's no longer considered an honorary ewok.

people have been going crazy about this hair cut. am i the only one who noticed what else he had done? he's -- i think that's the same tattoo mike tyson has. okay, let's check back in with the, heidi the cross-eyed poss m possum. there are the nominees and there is heidi. as -- not -- well, not headed toward the -- all right, well, heidi is going to take a little nap before -- we should have gone with the cross eyed chihuahua. we'll check back in with heidi if she ever wakes up, hopefully. this is something. the nba all-star festivities took place over the weekend here in l.a. normally, we have to wait for the nights "american idol" is on to do this, but on the carpet outside the game, steven tyler provided us with a rare one-day early edition of steven tile earl's creepy leer of the night.

>> thank you, enjoy the game. nice to see you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: aerosmith needs to get back on tour. guillermo, did you have fun in vegas? >> a lot of fun. >> jimmy: we did. we sent him to cover the launch party for the "sports illustrated" swim suit edition. you didn't complain about this one. >> no complain at all. >> reporter: th . >> jimmy: this issue is one of the most cherished items in publishing, and no one loves publishing more than guillermo. look, what does that say right there? >> national kiss a mexican day. >> yeah, it's your lucky day. wow. wow. wow. wow. you a lucky woman.

>> thank you. >> thank you very much. >> what picture are you in? >> i'm in the back. >> you didn't catch the flu? >> it was really cold. >> i've always had a dream to have a pillow fight with a swim suit model. >> you have a pillow with you right now? >> no, you have to come to my room. i have a question. can you bring irina shayk please? >> she's on her way. >> i need to talk to her. you're old news. i want her. because you are on the cover i want to give you a hug. congratulations. >> thank you. thank you so much. not too much, though. thank you, jimmy, for sending me over here.

♪ >> jimmy: looks like you won. [ applause ] did you -- did you tell your wife what were you doing in las vegas? >> no way. >> jimmy: let's check back in with the cross-eyed possum heidi who hopefully has a best actress pick for us. or maybe we won't have one tonight, i don't know. but there is heidi again, waiting for her to touch with her paw. sniffing natalie portman there and now eating something. all right, great. and whoever heidi picks -- this would go faster if she wasn't cross eyed. oh, there you go! natalie portman for "black swan."

there we go. that's pretty good. pretty good. well, we have a good show tonight. henry winkler is here tonight. we have music from cake. and we'll be right back with cameron diaz, so stick around. [ woman ] we try to be perfect.

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>> jimmy: hi there. we're back. with us tonight, from the program "royal pains" on the usa

network, henry winkler is here. he's backstage right now pounding on our jukebox and making out with triplets. then with music from this -- their new album -- it debuted at number one. it's called "showroom of compassion" -- cake. tomorrow night -- dax shepard, nancy grace will be with us and we'll have music from the twilight singers. on sunday night, our sixth annual after the academy awars s speci special, our latest top secret comedy video. i won't tell you what it is, but it involved humping. our first guest tonight, needs no introduction, but since we're here, why not? her next movie with jason segel and justin timberlake is called "bad teacher." it comes out in june, but start

clearing your calendars now. please welcome, cameron diaz. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for coming. >> thank you for having me, again. >> jimmy: great to have you here. you were here last month. >> i was like, really, again? you're going to take me in again? i feel so honored. >> jimmy: i thought you meant, oh, him, again. i feel bad for you, because i know when you do interviews you have to do talk shows and you have to come up with things to talk about. >> yes. >> jimmy: and sometimes there aren't a bunch of things to talk about. i want to give you an option tonight. and that option is this. would you prefer rather than asking kind of typical questions, that i ask you a series of random, unusual questions and then you can answer those questions, you know what i'm saying? or we can do the regular thing. >> no, let's do the random ones. >> jimmy: okay. i've written something down.

and we'll just go through these now. have you ever gone to a high school reunion? >> no, i haven't. >> jimmy: never? >> no. i just really don't feel the need to let anybody know what the hell i'm doing because they pretty much can tell what i'm doing. >> jimmy: they know. >> they already know. >> jimmy: nobody you're curious? >> i don't really care. if i cared, if the people i want to know, they're there in my life already. either that, i can do that, what, that facebook thing? >> jimmy: that the kids are all crazy about. >> they just upload their entire life. i took a poop this morning -- i don't want to know that much about anybody. >> jimmy: all right, all right. have you ever shoplifted anything? >> i -- i don't know if -- i palmed something. >> jimmy: it depends. >> it was a jolly rancher apple candy. >> jimmy: that's stealing. >> it was my girlfriend's, out

of her room. >> jimmy: that's not shoplifting. in fact, that's just snacking. >> i did tell you that i did it later. and she told me that, what am i talking about, she said that i could have it. but i felt like, for a moment, that i was stealing from my friend. it was terrible feeling. i thought i was going to two to hell. >> jimmy: how old were you at that time? >> about 8. does that count for anything? >> jimmy: that doesn't count for anything. >> because i want so badly to have, like, done something like that. >> jimmy: next time you're here, let's go to the souvenir shop next door and just take stuff. >> we always try to figure out things -- >> jimmy: next time, we're going to rob the store. >> just shoplift. >> jimmy: smash in the windows. hit the clerk with the butt of a rifle or something. >> can we do it at the one on the corner that's the hollywood memorabilia and just take john wayne -- >> jimmy: all the oscars that say "world's greatest uncle," we'll take those.

if you see a quarter on the sidewalk, do you pick it up? >> i don't -- no, i don't. >> jimmy: dollar? >> i like -- i put it on the -- i put it on top of the meeter, the parking meter. for somebody else. >> jimmy: very nice. do you like dirty movies? >> pornographic movies? >> jimmy: yes. >> i love porn. >> jimmy: you do? [ applause ] i'm going to get rid of the other questions and we're -- let's focus on that, if we could. hotels? >> hotels. you know what i love about hotels? how discreet they are. >> jimmy: are they? >> i love that -- they always give you that little thing at the bomb tom, your room will be charged the same as any other room. no titles will be used. they all cost the same amount. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i have a friend that used to watch the free four minutes and unplug the thing and plug it back in --

>> jimmy: yo >> your friend? >> jimmy: i'm talking about my friend daniel kellison. >> daniel. >> jimmy: daniel is his name. and they put it on his bill and he is so shameless, he went downstairs and fought with them about, he's like, i didn't watch the whole thing, i watched four and a half minutes. >> so it's not about the fact that he doesn't want people to know -- >> jimmy: he doesn't want to pay the money. all right, here's another one for you. who is your most embarrassing rell give? >> oh, god. see, if i say then they're just going to embarrass me even more. >> jimmy: okay, next one. what is the dumbest thing you've ever done drunk? >> [ bleep ]. really? what haven't done -- what have i done drunk that wasn't dumb. >> jimmy: that wasn't dumb? all of the above. >> i'm acting as if i'm drunk

now. i'm not drunk right now. i -- >> jimmy: porn crazy. >> there's a bar back there. >> jimmy: do you use supermarket club cards? the discount cards? >> yeah, i use your moms. >> jimmy: my moms. do you have it? >> sorry, i use my moms. i use my moms. for real. >> jimmy: i thought it was one of those yo momma things. i thought it was the worst yo momma joke ever. yeah, i use your moms. >> your mommas. >> jimmy: with which character on "jersey shore" do you most identify? >> i don't watch that [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: all right. have you ever had a nickname? >> i have a lot. >> jimmy: can you give us one? >> when i was a kid, it was skeletor. and skinny bone joentnes.

and then there was a time when i was just dirt bag and nose bag. and then there was awhile when i was c-deesele. and then deesele. >> jimmy: your favorite super hero? >> i think wily e. coyote. >> jimmy: have you ever fed anyone on television? >> yes. you should see what i feed people when i'm not on television. >> jimmy: well, you did very well. thank you for answering the random questions. and now we're going to talk about the movie questions. you did this movie, i have to say, i watched the trailer today -- >> you have seen the whole movie? >> jimmy: i did not. this is one of the filthiest

things i've seen in my life there's so much profanity in this. how are we going to play this on television? >> you're watching the, the rated-r version. the red band version. that's a term we use in the movie industry that's basically the rated-r version where they put the swearing words in and they keep all the sort of, you know, the, if it were the fairley brothers, you'd have the balls being zipped up into the zipper kind of thing. >> jimmy: and there's a lot of that thing and it comes out of your mouth -- >> it's a little filthy. >> jimmy: seems very funny. >> so much fun. >> jimmy: when of your co-stars in the film is your ex-boyfriend, justin timberlake. >> yes. right, justin is -- >> jimmy: they told you before han hand? or, they didn't say, surprise -- >> it was a total surprise. no, it -- we wanted justin because he's such a brilliant comedian. you -- >> jimmy: he is very funny. i hate to admit it but he is a

very funny guy. >> why? >> jimmy: he's so good at everything and handsome, makes you want to strangle him until he dies. and then he's like nice on top of it and it's really terrible. >> and the southern sweetness. he's fantastic. he's amazing. so funny. and so -- it's like such a weird character, too. people are going to be -- and jason seigle is, like, sort of the heart of the film which is weird, right? >> jimmy: no, i don't think so. he seems like -- he had some heart in "forgetting sarah marshall." >> that's right. one big heart. >> jimmy: he's like a giant blood pumping heart. >> and he just -- a big heart. >> jimmy: and you guys -- is there a love triangle? >> sort of, between the three of us. between the two of them. i'm trying to get in between the two of them. >> jimmy: we have the clip and i'm going -- >> that was a joke. >> jimmy: the elderly -- >> it wasn't funny. >> jimmy: the elderly and the religious out there that this is

a very dirty trailer. >> yeah, this is the r-rated version and we're going to air it to you guys here tonight and the version where it's not beeped you guys are going to hear. on the tv, they're going to hear it beeped. if you don't want to hear that, you have to go to myspace after the airing of this show. >> jimmy: cameron insists on profanity, very into pornography. this is "bad teacher," opens june 24th. >> are you excited for tomorrow? >> is tomorrow saturday? >> no. it's the first day of school. >> [ bleep ] my [ bleep ]. >> oh. >> elizabeth. you shouldn't be teaching. i can't think of anyone less suited to being a teacher. >> i don't need a black board or a classroom to set an example. are you [ bleep ] kidding me? >> elizabeth? grab a bite sometime? >> you still a gym teacher? >> i am, yeah. >> [ bleep ] off. >> awesome. this went great. all right.

>> from now on, full-time job is finding a guy who is going to take care of me. hi there. >> scott. >> elizabeth. >> i'm the new sub. >> i love how his eyes sparkle when he smiles. >> i want to sit on his [ bleep ]. >> i'm not married. i just got out of a relationship. she has such a big heart. >> enormous. >> if i got a new pair of tits, he'd be all over me. they're really expensive. >> you have to get two of them. >> jimmy: "bad teacher" opening june 24th. cameron diaz, everybody. we'll be right back with henry winkler. with a salty snack and then a 3:15, with my guilt. [ female announcer ] new special k cracker chips. 27 crispy chips. 110 delicious calories. mmmmmmm...good meeting. same time tomorrow?

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also avtwizzlers. a bar. the twist you can't resist. >> jimmy: well, hello and we're back. decades before the ipad, our next guest was turning electrical devices on with the coolest fist this country has ever known. he's a producer, director, writer, and of course, actor. watch him on the season finale of "royal pains" thursday night at 9:00 on usa. please say hello to henry winkler. [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: very good to see you. >> i'm so happy to be here. >> jimmy: i'm happy to have you. and very exciting news, you're about to be honored by the queen of england. >> that is -- [ applause ] i got a letter that actually said, the queen graciously agrees, and i thought, well, this is it. my life is made. >> jimmy: you sure it wasn't queen latifah? >> that wouldn't be bad, either. she's pretty cute. but this is actually the queen babe of england. and -- >> jimmy: you're now not going to get honored by the queen of england. >> i've already gotten it. >> jimmy: you got it already? >> and she conferred on me the order of the british empire -- >> jimmy: that's good right? >> i'm one of four people outside of great britain in the world that has gotten it. >> jimmy: wow.

that is fantastic. >> this year. this year. >> jimmy: this year. well, that's still pretty great. does that make you a knight or a wizard? >> i don't know. i don't know. but -- she graciously agreed to give it to me. the queen. for the work that i do with children who learn differently, also, in england. >> jimmy: so, you've been over there doing -- >> yes, the books are very popular over there. >> jimmy: that's fantastic. did you ever imagine -- >> never. remember, i was told i would never achieve. the queen wrote me. [ applause ] >> jimmy: i had the queen pegged as more of a chachi fan. >> i think they dated. but -- >> jimmy: by the way, you being here is my equivalent of the queen, because, if you told me when i was a kid that i would be sitting here with you, who i thought was fonzi, i would

assume that i was married to farrah fawcett and had a bionic leg or something like that, i mean, it -- >> that makes me feel great. thank you. >> jimmy: do you have that yourself? >> with other people? >> jimmy: because you are -- >> musicians. >> jimmy: who? >> if there is such a thing as reincarnation, i'm coming back as bruce springsteen. [ applause ] >> jimmy: and -- >> they're the only people that i have trouble with. >> jimmy: springsteen? >> no, i -- i'm the most embarrassed in my life when i meet musicians. i met mick jagger on a plane. mick jagger. if the fonz met mick he would chauffeur him around in a side car. >> jimmy: yeah, sure. >> and i walked up to mick and i went -- >> jimmy: and did he know you from television?

>> he was on his way to the bathroom on a plane -- he just got up from -- he didn't care. >> jimmy: you weren't wearing the jacket. when you were fonzi, you had so much trouble saying i'm sorry. it's the same. >> i met bruce springsteen, i kissed his hand. i met elton john. >> jimmy: sir elton john. >> yeah, he's the thing with the thing. he met her in person. and i went right up to him and i got all of his albums and i said, john, i -- >> jimmy: winkler, how are you? >> i'm thinking it's his first name. i wanted the earth to open at that moment. >> jimmy: i bet. did he seem bothered by it? >> he gave me a hug.

i don't know if he minded. he didn't show it. >> jimmy: i got you. the only thing i know about the smithsonian is that your jacket is in it. there you are with it. who is this guy? >> that is the curator of the american pop culture wing. >> jimmy: if you get cold, for instance -- >> could i borrow it? >> jimmy: would you be allowed to take it? >> i was just there in washington because aarp gave ten americans an award -- >> jimmy: a jacket? >> i went to visit my jacket. there i am, taking a picture, and fans came up and they went -- >> jimmy: that's a real bonus. like you're living there with your jacket. do you have -- are there more than one jackets? >> the first one was stolen from the costume department. >> jimmy: i stole that jacket, actually. >> did you?

i wanted to know what happened to it. >> jimmy: it's mine. >> it's in a good moment. >> jimmy: it is. doing well. >> then they made me five and put them under lock and key. one of them we ripped out the lining and i skied and jumped over a shark. one of them, we gave to the smithsonian. one of them i have. one of them i'm sure gary marshall must have. >> jimmy: right. >> i don't know -- >> jimmy: we have to find the other jacket. and what could that thing be worth? maybe $100,000. >> is that true? and i'm holding it in a closet? >> jimmy: you better find a place for that thing. safety deposit box. now, you're on "royal pains." you were a fan, and how did you wind up being on the show? >> i wish i could have used the queen. but my dentist, joel reams, was having dinner with his wife kathy and one of the executive

producers was there talking about, they're looking for a dad for mark and polo, who play the two sons. and she said, you know who should do it is henry winkler, he would be a great father. and i had a meeting with them. we went to a restaurant and i ordered pancakes. and we're eating our pancakes and having a really great time and i got -- i poured my sere run all over my pancakes, i'm talking, i look down, and it was the milk for my coffee. and so i said, well, you know, they're butter milk and this just -- this brings out the essence of the pancake. i do this all the time. >> jimmy: they believed that? >> well, i -- i'm not kidding, i didn't tell them. this might be the first time. >> jimmy: whatever happened, it worked. but michael and andrew, they're

just -- >> jimmy: that -- are you as big a fan of the show now that you're on it? >> you know what, i have such a great time. the cast, every -- the chemistry that you see on the screen is exactly the way it is in life. they get along. they are wonderful. they're inclusive, they have invited me in. i'm -- i'm blessed to be on the show. >> jimmy: despite the fact that you eat milk on your pancakes. >> i've never actually done that on the set. >> jimmy: you probably shouldn't. might make the actors uncomfortable. >> it's true. >> jimmy: wonderful to see you. con garage lakes. i know the big season finale is thursday night, 9:00 on usa network. it's called "royal pains." henry winkler, everybody. we'll be right back with cake. ♪ have a better day

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>> jimmy: well, hello. welcome back. this is their new album "showroom of compassion." here with the song "long time," cake. ♪ ♪ it's been a long time

since i've seen your smiling face it's been a long time ♪ ♪ since i've seen a sunny day it's been a long time since you wore ♪ ♪ your pill box hat it's been a long time since we drove your pontiac it's been a long time ♪ ♪ since you gave me butterflies it's been a long time since i've seen it burning ♪

♪ in your eyes but i don't mind i don't mind no, i don't ♪ ♪ i don't mind no, i don't i don't mind when i've got you ♪ ♪ next to me it's been a long time since we tripped into this ditch ♪ ♪ it's been a long time since we drank the arsenic it's been a long time since we've been inside ♪ ♪ of this tomb it's been a long time since you wore your expensive french perfume ♪

♪ but i don't mind i don't mind no, i don't ♪ ♪ i don't mind but i don't i don't mind when i've got you ♪ ♪ next to me next to me ♪ it's been a long time since i've seen ♪ ♪ your smiling face it's been a long time since i've seen

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>> jimmy: i want to thank our guests, cameron diaz, henry winkler and matt damon, we ran out of time. tomorrow -- dax shepard, nancy grace and music from the twilight singers. cake's new album, "showroom of compassion," out now. playing us off the air with "sick of you." see the full performance at jimmykimmellive.com -- once again, cake! good night! ♪ ♪ i'm so sick of you so sick of me i don't want to be with you i'm so sick of you ♪ ♪ so sick of me