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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  March 1, 2011 12:00am-1:05am PST

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>> and esperanza spalding. >> i heard my middle namelililii
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>> dicky: it's focus rally america. jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with your up-to-minute update on focus rally america, the ultimate interactive cross-country road rally. six teams, each in the
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all-new 2012 ford focus journeyed to the stratosphere hotel in las vegas for a combination photography and sky jump challenge. i know it makes no sense but let's get it explained to us via skype. the gray team are with us, john and carolyn. how did you get gray? >> we're from seattle age it's gloomy and dark. perfect for gray. >> jimmy: you work together. you're not a couple. yes? >> no, definitely not. >> jimmy: did something happen? >> co-worker. >> jimmy: sounds like something might be going on there. let's take a look at some video of what you've endured. the stratosphere hotel. you had to jump off. >> they have that thing, they drop you off a building and that's good in las vegas to be encouraging people to upoff
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buildings after they've lost their -- i can see you jumped off, carolyn, john, you also jumped off. >> there i am. three things came to mind and i was -- jessica, baby jesus and -- >> jimmy: jesus is grown up. he's not a baby anymore. there you are in the photography challenge and what are you wearing on your heads there in the photography challenge? >> we're wearing some cool hats and john found this chicken hat he's in love with. >> loved it. >> we decided to embrace vegas and go with the crazy theme so definitely used our prop as a car to jump off. >> jimmy: what place are you currently in? >> i believe tied for fourth. >> jimmy: tied for fourth. how many teams are in the competition? >> six. >> jimmy: all right, great. you got to step on it a little bit, you know what i'm saying? >> got to do some work. >> jimmy: john and carolyn, everybody, focus rally america. dicky: for your chance to win amazing prizes including a
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new 2012 ford focus, join the action at focusrally.com >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with esperanza spalding and bill maher. work: six teams running all over the country in 2012 ford focuses, trying to complete challenges. and our followers online are gonna help us. the other teams are probably gonna be behind us, so they'll have to get used to seeing a lot of this. suck it up! please join our team! help us. we really need it. join our team! join our teeeeem! see ya!
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[ male announcer ] pool filled with caramel. not as good as chocolate filled with caramel. introducing milky way simply caramel. life's better the milky way. dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight bill maher and grammy winner esperanza spalding. with cleto and the cletones. and now from here on out, here's jimmy kimmel. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you very much.
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[ cheers and applause ] thank you for coming. the oscars are over. our neighborhood is starting to get back to its normal filth today. the academy awards are in the theater directly across the street from us. if you're here to see melissa leo making out with kirk douglas you're a day or two late. i feel like our in-laws just left after rearranging the kitchelen on us. where did your mother put my lemons, esther? i'll miss those crazy naked bald men covered in gold as we bid good-bye to cate blanchett and welcome back the twitchy spider-man who's home leless. the women wore gowns. matthew mcconaughey wore a shirt. there weren't too many surprises as far as the awards went. the only suspense really was
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whether or not james franco would be able to read the bottom line of the eye chart he was squinting at all night. he might need glasses. as you know, "the king's speech" won the oscar for best picture but then mark zuckerberg today stole it. [ applause ] "toy story 3" was the -- was nominated for best picture. it won animated. one of several high-profile 3-d movies. i miss 2-d and come to think of it, i miss tutti from "the facts of life" too. i love to see a 3-d movie about her. tutti 3-d. colin firth won best actor for stuttering king george vi and ironically had some trouble giving his own acceptance speech last night.
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>> well, a very, very heavy -- we had a very darison to -- had to pick. >> that is not colin firth. we've got the wrong video there. that's someone else. "true grit" went 0 for 10 last night which i would think was n unprecedented but it's the fourth movie in oscar to do that. gangs of new york, the color purple and kazaam all went over. if i said it once i said it a thousand times. that matt damon is the kiss of death as far as movies go. they should have enter in the best foreign language category. i didn't understand one word jeff bridges was saying through the whole film. they probably would have won that. [ applause ] there was some exciting new technology on the red carpet. they had a host cam, a paparazzi cam, a champagne room cam, a
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stairway cam, a bar cam, they even had -- i don't know if you saw this. they had a fetus cam which -- i don't like that look of natalie portman's fetus. it's a bit slutty. but her amniotic fluid is by versace. abc had a big preshow and during it they had a segment with ma mamanesz, combination of mom and chimpanzee and they asked the mothers of nominees to send messages to their kids. it was cute. i thought this was the cutest one of all, though. >> good for you, son. good for you. i am so proud of you. you're unbelievable, man, you know that. un[ bleep ] believable. no, no, no. no, you shut the [ bleep ] up.
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shut the [ bleep ] up. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: their swear -- once the awards were over, the after-parties got started. all the stars get together. trays and trays of little cocktail wieners with the little bowls of mustard. very elegant and i don't know who exactly pays for these parties, but on oscar weekend they pop up all over town. >> hollywood glitterati dropped into the legendary vanity fair party. there's madonna and her daughter lourdes and hopped over to the governor's ball where a listers hobnobbed with -- elton john through his soiree and charlie sheen hosted his legendary house party at his estate in bel air. >> jimmy: you know it's a good party, charlie sheen.
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charlie sheen, if you've not been watching tv has officially gone crazy. gary busey thinks he's nuts. today alone he did interviews with "good morning america," "today show," radar, piers morgan, cnn. here's a random sampling of some of the important points he made. >> when you look back at the last time you used drug, are you disgusted with yourself or think -- >> i'm proud of what i created. it was radical. it's not an option. i am on a drug. it's called charlie sheen. your face with melt off and your children will weep over your body. people who don't have tiger blood and adonis dna. it's all my mom's fault. shut up, shut up. bang. >> i'm into the bitchin' a rock star from mars. it's from apocalypse.
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bang. >> where did you get that. >> from a couple of top gun pilots watching apocalypse. >> are you clean right now. >> look at me. duh. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: bang and duh. i'm starting to have second thoughts about trying to set him up with my daughter. he also said that magic and poetry is at his fingertips at all times. turns out magic and poetry are two of his porn star girlfriends. cbs announced they're san selling the remainder of "two and a half men." he's reportedly filing a lawsuit against them and say even if they do go back in production he wants a million an episode. see,s that a strong move. i'm fired. well, guess what? i'm going to need some more money to come back. he makes -- [ applause ]
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>> jimmy: for representation. plus, he makes a lot for cbs. it doesn't appear anything he does keeps people from watching his show, drug, hookers, the ratings just keep going up and up and up. if there's one thing charlie sheen is above all, it's a winner. >> come wednesday morning they'll rename it charlie brothers and warner brother, duh, winning. giant name comes through like winning. >> reporter: some are saying you're by-polar. >> winning. >> winning, wow, winning. >> that's the rate i'm going to win and he is going to win. thank you. >> winning. >> jimmy: $1 million. i like it. i'm not saying winning at the end of every sentence myself. do you think charlie sheen is on drugs? >> all: yes!
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>> jimmy: he says he isn't and took a drug test to prove it. >> he tested for marijuana, cocai cocaine, opiate, what did you find. >> the good news for charlie sheen as he's watching this at home i can tell you that right now is that he tested negative for every single one of those tests. >> jimmy: then something is really wrong. if he's being like this and he's not on drug, what the hell goes on when he is? maybe he's normal when he is. what if charlie sheen is the only one of us who isn't crazy? something to think about. sad 0 see what's happening with charlie sheen but a good lesson for kids. to make it easier for them to understand and more palatable, drug abuse is dangerous so we took the audio from his interviews today and combined them with video from another charlie, brown, and a new
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holiday special was born. >> your anger and hate is coming off as erratic. >> do you borrow my brain for five seconds and just be like, dude, can't handle it. unplug this. >> some are saying you're bipolar. >> i'm bi-winning. >> you love to party. >> what's not to love. see how i party, epic. the run i was on, made sinatra, jagger made them look like droopy-eyed armless one. >> one women said she was afraid you'd od'd. >> if she does, i'm sorry. >> are you willing to take a drug test. >> sure, you got a cup. i ain't got nothing to hide. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we had some very strange weather here in l.a. this week. actually snowed a little bit which is very big news for our local weather people. they never get to do anything.
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they mostly stand from front of a map waiting for something to happen, so when snow started to fall saturday night tony valdez filed a weather report so ground breaking we are honoring it with our award for excellence in reporting. >> when you get this call you have a lot of time to think about things. >> we were thinking about how the word chilly, it has two meanings, chilly as in hot and spicy and chilly as it's in cold. chilly outside you don't want to catch a cold but tonight here in palmdale, the weather is neither chilly nor chili, it's frozen as in ice cream. >> jimmy: brain stops working here. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the foothills of los angeles got even more snow. watch this weather report. pay particular attention to the back window of the car at the end.
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>> all along the foothill folks look upward in owe. flintridge, snow flurries. some for the first time. in fact, we saw so many smiles flew the flurries i was even interviewed about the snow. >> what are you doing? >> what you doing. >> covering the snow. >> do you like it. >> i think he's after my job. okay. go in on that. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hybrid car. it's the -- maybe you've heard of it, the toyota penis? tonight on "the bachelor." bachelor brad was down to three concubines and he gave each one an invitation to spend the tight night with him in the fantasy suite. smoke them while you got them, i guess. tonight they traveled to south africa of all places. the first woman who can outrun a cheetah will become brad's
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bride. ashley got the ax tonight which means it's down to chantal and emily but the big reality news, a new slate of dancing stars or closest thing to stars we can get here and the dancing stars for this season are. sugar ray leonard. hines ward, kendra wilkinson, chris jericho, romeo, ralph macho, former karate kid, kirstie alley, wendy williams, disney star chelsea kane, mike catherwood. heidi the cross-eyed possum and finally egyptian president hosni mubarak will compete now. so welcome to our network dancers. back to the oscars for a moment. the academy gave out a lot of awards but they were to people who were pretending to be other people. they call that acting, but i am
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much more impressed by people who act in their everyday lives so tonight it's time to present our second annual award for best actor in real life. that's right. and our nominees are bp ceo tony hayward. >> it's affected your family, i'm deeply sorry. >> jake and vienna from "the bachelor." >> i couldn't imagine my life without him and that's what i kept in my head. it has to be. >> snooki from "jersey shore." >> no. >> jimmy: and christine o'donnell. >> i'm not a witch. >> jimmy: and the winner for best actor in real life is, oh, my goodness, snooki from "jersey shore." [ cheers and applause ] >> no.
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>> wow, winning. >> jimmy: there you go. hey, we got a good show tonight. grammy award-winning best new artist esperanza spalding is here. and we'll be right back with bill maher. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: so stick around. [ announcer ] he shoots, he scores! [ cheering ] relax, i got something new for you. is it all new picks? even better, 2 for $20. with the all new flavors of bourbon street. that sounds good. swish! [ male announcer ] it's the big tournament, and you need some big flavors to go with it. so applebee's has jazzed up 2 for $20 bourbon street style. new bourbon street chicken & shrimp and cajun shrimp pasta. plus favorites like the 7 ounce house sirloin. one appetizer. two entrees. 20 bucks. 2 for $20, now with the flavors of bourbon street. only at applebee's. catch all the games here.
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esperanza spalding from the bud light stage. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night on the show from the new movie "the adjustment bureau", emily blunt. from the new movie "red riding hood", max irons. and we'll have music from aaron lewis. and on thursday, a rare appearance by howard stern. so join us for that. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is a very, very funny man who is equally comfortable taking on god, politicians and even witches. you can see him performing live march 19th at the civic center in oklahoma city and watch his show "real time with bill maher" friday nights at 10:00 pm on hbo. please say hello to bill maher. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good to see you. how are you? >> i'm good.
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you're so right about jeff bridges. i thought i was the only one -- >> jimmy: i thought -- >> what a marble mouth. between watching him and talking to arianna huffington all night and kirk douglas, i didn't hear what anybody said. >> jimmy: you were at the vanity fair party with arianna huffington, isn't she. >> crazy like a rich fox. >> jimmy: yeah. >> richer than you. >> jimmy: i know she is but still there's many people that are crazy that are richer than i am. >> why would you think she's crazy. >> i'll tell you why because she did something to me once a long time -- >> now we're getting to it. >> jimmy: that i've never told anyone before. i used to do "win ben stein's money." [ applause ] >> jimmy: and she was on the show and she was eliminated. i'm standing at the podium and she started squeezing my ass during the show. repeatedly squeezing it and i didn't know what to do. i turned bright red.
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i was like 12 years old or something at the time. and i go, this is a crazy person. who would do this? >> what did you do with your erection? >> jimmy: i always leave it in the dressing room. >> that's -- [ laughter ] >> that is certainly not the arianna i've known. >> jimmy: she never touched you. >> i'm going to talk to her about that. >> jimmy: did you like the show itself, the broadcast? >> wait, jimmy. as if i'm going to go back to the oscars after you just told me about arianna huffington -- >> jimmy: i swear it's true. maybe she'll cop to it. >> very attractive man -- i know a lot of men who would like to have their ass squeezed by arianna. >> jimmy: i didn't mind it. it was just i was surprised by it. >> squeezes the asses of intellectuals. >> jimmy: she was slumming a little.
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yeah, but, no, that did happen and i'm always surprised -- like ann coulter is she really a friend of yours. you have her at your home. >> she's been to my home. >> jimmy: really. >> well, she stands on newspaper, jimmy. no, i -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: beautiful floors. please be careful. [ cheers and applause ] >> yes, we are friends, but, no ass grabbing. never, it was always just a friendship. >> jimmy: just a platonic friendship. >> she's smart and we both know, don't talk political subjects that we don't agree with. >> jimmy: i got you. >> amazing we have anything to talk about but we do. >> jimmy: you made a semi psych ink announcement, really a joke -- >> i did a new -- i know what you're going to say because i was thinking about it all day about "the king's speech." >> jimmy: let's hear. >> if they're going to make a historical epic full of british arcs in period costumes about
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queen elizabeth helping her father get over his speech impediment, why bother having the oscars at all? you win. >> jimmy: do you know how much money you could have won if you bet that right away. >> that was last september. >> jimmy: pretty imsesive. >> we said unless there's a movie where meryl streep is teaching anne frank to box, we give up. so that's chris kelly our brilliant writer wrote that. great prediction before i even heard of that movie. >> jimmy: you got to take that kid right to vegas. the internet, i know that you tweet and you don't seem like a guy -- you don't seem -- >> saved my ass last night because the show was so boring so i just tweeted all through the thing. >> jimmy: i read some of your tweets. they were really funny last night. >> right. >> jimmy: is this something you were encouraged to do or chose to do on your own. >> i was encouraged at first
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then i kind of like it. >> jimmy: you do. >> you kind of get used to it. >> jimmy: there's something like fitting it all in that one thing. >> right. some people tweet like what they do. you know, the reportage of their -- i don't do that. i had a banana and a bowel movement now i'm watching "s troop" who gives a -- i tweet a thought or a joke or something. >> jimmy: something. >> yeah, that is not what other people -- >> jimmy: the internet is a broad topic to comment on but do you think this is making us better as a people or smarter or a anything positive. >> the internet as a whole but also makes us stupider. i mean it separates people from people who might have different thoughts than they do. they tend to stick in their tribe. that's not good for learning, you know, when you can only go to the people who already believe what you believe.
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also, i could write anything on the internet if i don't add lol, it is true. i could say obama is a cyborg made of the spare parts of the body of freddie mercury, no lol, it is true. so, you know, in that sense it's made us -- it's done both. of course, it's a tremendous waste of time. most of it is porn for men, you know that. you know that more men i think -- well, we did something recently about a fascinating story about men are spending more time masturbating to porn than they are with their wives and girlfriends. they actually prefer the masturbation. >> jimmy: and that's a study that was done? [ laughter ] i mean how do -- who are these -- i know what you mean, though,
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but -- >> it was one night at charlie sheen's. i don't know. no, yes, it was an article that was -- study, yes, i'm not just pulling it out of my ass here, i'm a serious pundit. this is actually going on. you once gave me a box of porn. do you remember that. >> jimmy: no, did i? on "the man show"? when? >> no, when i was leaving this spot -- when i was on abc here. >> jimmy: oh. >> remember, you came -- >> jimmy: oh, yeah, i did that. that says a bad thing about both of us, i think. >> i left it at the restaurant. yeah, you know, you leave a box of porn around, somebody is going to -- i never saw what it was, but i did think it said a lot about you. you had a box of porn. >> jimmy: but i didn't hang on to it. i gave it away. i could have given it to orphans, instead i chose to give it to you. which i this is pretty generous of me. >> i understand, you were
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married at the time. >> jimmy: how about charlie sheen? is this a person you know? do you know charlie. >> speaking about porn i do and i have -- i certainly have done my share of jokes, you know, but i also know a totally different side of charlie. i've had dinner with charlie when he was completely sober, charming, modest, you know, obviously there's something going on in the brain chemistry right now. look, i've done drugs myself. you know, i haven't done those kind of drugs in a very long time but i do know drugs. thank you. >> jimmy: now that i've given you -- >> i'm kidding you. i gave that up when i got saved. i've always been a social libertarian meaning i believe you should be able to do whatever you want as long as it doesn't hurt somebody else and the most private place is your own mind. if he wants to do this, you know, this is why this is a free country, or mostly free country is that you can do that. you know --
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>> jimmy: if i way you could say it's hurting other people. he's got children, he's got family. he's got co-workers who are not co-workers anymore because they're not working. >> yeah, okay. there's that. [ laughter ] right. and but mostly what he's hurting is -- i don't know the situation with the children. i mean i've seen pictures like when he goes on vacation, it is -- makes "big love" look like lawrence welk. i mean it's just -- the wife, the porn star, the children are all together. >> jimmy: like a variety show. [ laughter ] >> but i mean if you ask honestly of the men in this audience a lot of average guys if they had the wherewithal to do that, to like be looking on the computer screen at porn stars and then just get them over here, actually order what you see on the screen like charlie does, would any guys do that here? >> jimmy: they won't raise their hands if their wives are here.
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there's a lot of guys in trouble right now. some people clapping a little too long. [ laughter ] >> and some clapping with one hand which is very -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i always love having you. if you haven't seen bill live, you absolutely must. you can see him live in oklahoma city, civic center and march 20th at the juanita hall, juanita, huh? real title is "real time with bill maher" airs fridays at 10:00 on hbo. we'll be right back. [ applause ]
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[ applause ] >> jimmy: hello there. our next guest sent waves of shock through bieber land when she won a grammy. her latest is called "chamber music society." please welcome esperanza spalding. [ cheers and applause ] congratulations on your grammy award. although i was confused you won best new artist and were on our
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show like three years ago so then i felt a little bit cheated because i felt like -- like, wait a minute a she's a new artist. >> i'm old. best old artist. >> jimmy: how did you celebrate your win afterwards. >> i went to a party at prince's house. >> jimmy: at prince's house. >> that did it, yeah. >> jimmy: it seems like you should never go to prince's house. >> why? >> jimmy: you know what he does? he's got a weird spell over women that they wind up never leaving. >> i think he puts an instrument in your hand and you start jamming and you don't see the light of day. >> jimmy: is that what happens? >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: your bass is enormous. does he have one of those for to you play? >> no, no, i show up with my own gear. my own instruments. >> jimmy: why would you pick an instrument that's bigger than you? >> yeah. >> jimmy: just the carrying part
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of it. >> yeah, maybe that's just endearing. i feel like hard core when i'm walking down the street. can i help -- no. play this. no, i just -- i love the instrument. i didn't think about carrying it. i was 15 and i wasn't thinking about carrying it. >> jimmy: did you try other instruments before you settled on the bass? >> uh-huh, i went through the clarinet, oboe, piano, violin and bass one. >> jimmy: how old were you when you started playing music? >> i was 5 years old. >> jimmy: that's very -- your parents musicians? >> they're musical. but i played on "mr. rogers neighborhood." isn't that corny and i just loved music. i want to do that somehow and that set the next couple of decades in gear. >> jimmy: and they said, okay, we'll get you instruments and you can try it out. did you take lessons right away or play on your own. >> when i say i love music. it didn't even have to be good music i was playing. i just wanted to play anything and hear some sounds come out in
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the basement. so i would just play whatever happened and then eventually i got some lessons and figured out what was going on, but, yeah. >> jimmy: when you beat justin bieber, we have a photograph of the two of you together. >> i haven't seen that together yet. >> jimmy: this is from right after the awards -- is this before or after you crushed him? [ laughter ] >> there was no crushing involved. ym there's a little crushing. here, you both have spectacular heads of hair. >> he petted me. i didn't know that. >> jimmy: trying to feel a little of your mojo going on there. was he gracious about the loss? >> he was very sweet. i was complimenting him and saying, you know, you're so talented. you have so many years to do amazing things. your mom must be so proud and then he laid this one on which was surprising. he was like my mom's proud of me anyway because she loves me. >> jimmy: that's very sweet. >> yeah, i said, like, yeah, man. >> jimmy: it's not true but it's very sweet.
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that's great. kids should believe that sort of nonsense. let him believe that. >> i thought it was sincere and was impressed. >> jimmy: his fans are crazy because they all expected him to win. were you on -- did you get any like hello kitty voodoo dolls or anything like that or -- angry letters. >> not that i know of. >> jimmy: dora the explorer stationery sent to you. >> i went straight to japan so i was kind of -- >> jimmy: you fled the country. oh, my god. that's -- >> just in case. >> jimmy: you got to be careful. >> people kept telling me, have you heard about this on wikipedia. who care, it's wikipedia. take it with a grain of salt. i guess they changed my name and did all kinds of crazy things. >> jimmy: what did they change your name -- >> i heard today that my middle name is actually quesadilla.
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>> jimmy: they changed your middle name to quesadilla. >> it's all good. >> jimmy: when will these animals be stopped? >> exactly. like ouch. >> jimmy: and the president does nothing about this. you played for the president. how many times have you played for president obama? >> four times. >> jimmy: four times. wow. [ cheers and applause ] that is -- three or four times. >> that's pretty good. >> jimmy: a lot of times. it's going to tart to become annoying. all right, i have a tour to go on. >> i don't think so. >> jimmy: do you speak to him. >> i have speak to him as you said. and we speak and, yeah, he's very kind and was very gracious meeting all the musicians involved with the various events, shook his hand, said hello, tried not to get all, you know, googly. >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> very gracious and also when i played the first time for them, paul simon was there and herbie
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hancock and stevie wonder was there so i was sort of preoccupied with the front row lineup and didn't have time to be nervous with him or anything. i hope they keep calling me. >> jimmy: i'm sure they will. we're in for a treat here because esperanza is terrific. this is her cd. it's called "chamber music shot." we'll be right back with music from esperanza spalding. [ cheers and applause ] at enterprise rent-a-car, we're a family-owned business. still family owned. still family run. and since 1957, one thing's never changed. taking care of our customers. [ employee ] maybe that's why enterprise was ranked highest in rental car customer satisfaction by j.d. power and associates for seven years in a row. it feels like a family company...because it is. let us show you what that means. [ male announcer ] pick enterprise. we'll pick you up.
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sundays are just for watching football. believe that? [ thinking ] relax. you ordered off mcdonald's dollar menu at breakfast. everything's so good and just a buck. so go. he's a jerk. [ thinking ] the simple joy of being smart. ♪ before i started taking abilify, i was taking an antidepressant alone. most days i could put on a brave face and muddle through. but other days i still struggled with my depression. i was managing, but it always had a way of creeping up on me. i felt stuck. i just couldn't shake my depression. so i talked to my doctor. he said adding abilify to my antidepressant could help with my depression, and that some people had symptom improvement as early as 1 to 2 weeks. he also told me about a free trial offer from abilify! now i feel more in control of my depression. [ male announcer ] abilify is not for everyone. call your doctor if your depression worsens or if you have unusual changes in behavior, or thoughts of suicide. antidepressants can increase these in children, teens and young adults.
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elderly dementia patients taking abilify have an increased risk of death or stroke. call your doctor if you have high fever, stiff muscles and confusion to address a possible life-threatening condition. or if you have uncontrollable muscle movements, as these could become permanent. high blood sugar has been reported with abilify and medicines like it. in some cases, extreme high blood sugar can lead to coma or death. other risks include decreases in white blood cells, which can be serious, dizziness upon standing, seizures, trouble swallowing, and impaired judgment or motor skills. depression used to define me, then my doctor added abilify to my antidepressant. now, i feel better. [ male announcer ] if you're still struggling with depression talk to your doctor to see if the option of adding abilify is right for you. and be sure to ask about the free trial offer. [ ostrich squawks ] whoa. [ woman screams ] oh no... she's chewing stride spark!
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abort! abort! [ growls ] [ screams ] [ male announcer ] new stride spark. flavor you can feel. oomph you can taste. [ marketer ] get the ram! [ male announcer ] new stride spark™. the ridiculously long lasting gum®. with flavor you can feel. is it all new picks? 2 for $20. with the all new flavors of bourbon street. [ male announcer ] applebee's 2 for $20 menu, now jazzed up with the flavors of bourbon street, like new cajun shrimp pasta. one appetizer. two entrees. 20 bucks. only at applebee's. catch all the games here. um, these days we're all trying to save money, that's why i'm shooting this commercial myself, at home. it's really easy and i can pass the savings onto you. okay, ready for the food part? check it out. my warm and flaky croissant sandwiches. supreme or sausage. both made with fresh egg and melting cheese. you get 2 for just 3 bucks okay, i'm back, whoa- oh, i am so ready for this recession to be over.
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dicky: this week on "jimmy kimmel live" -- emily blunt, amanda seyfried, and howard stern. with music from aaron lewis, henry wolfe, michael franti and spearhead. get the new "jimmy kimmel live" app and see what you've been missing. search jimmy kimmel in the itunes app store or go to jklapps.com to get it now. dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series, sponsored by bud light. to stream off-air performances and other music videos, go to jimmykimmellive.com welcome back to hack job. today we're with the gilberts. okay, guys, are you ready to see your new kitchen? yes!!! me too. let's go. take a look!! ahhh.
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here. we. go! it looks amazing! you didn't do anything. you just put bud light on the counter. exactly. it totally opens it up. we gave it a fun vibe. clearly this is a room people want to hang out in. [ male announcer ] it's the sure sign of a good time. the just right taste of bud light. here we go. the landscapers are here. nice. we pretend high-heels don't hurt and that we can handle anything life throws at us. but there are times that we need a moment to remember. we're only human. that's more than enough. your moment. your dove™. your moment. you have a really nice neck. thank you, it's just genetics... whoa! huh? mr. clean magic eraser kitchen scrubber with the grease-fighting power of dawn. right in the eraser. oh-h, look at the bubbles. bottle 1: that's the race car of erasers. bottle 2: it is, it's the "erase car". is there a pit stop in this guy's future? this is unbelievable. he helps remove three times more greasy kitchen mess per swipe. well, i think he wins this race. oh man, look at him go. if i had hands, i'd throw in the towel. yeah, things aren't what they used to be.
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mr. clean magic eraser kitchen scrubber... craftsman impact drivers answer the call delivering over 3,000 impacts per minute. giving you greater torque, for greater force. to power through the toughest jobs. craftsman. trust. in your hands. um, i thought this was going well for a first date. it is. look at your suckometer. oh, i just quit smoking, and the craving's really suck after a meal. okay. ding! [ male announcer ] quitting sucks. nicorette makes it suck less, doubling your chances of success. wonder where the durango's been for the last two years? well, it toured around europe, getting handling and steering lessons on those sporty european roads. it went back to school, got an advanced degree in technology. it's been working out -- more muscle and less fat. it's only been two years, but it's done more in two years than most cars do in a lifetime.
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breakfast for lunch. breakfast for dinner. with three new breakfast lovers dishes, who needs a break from breakfast? denny's. america's diner is always open. eed a good night's sleep. kim: which means a little heat to keep us warm. and a good dose of support for my back. some over the top comfort couldn't hurt. and our perfect dream factory's been built. i'm feeling sleepy already. nighty night.
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a real clean isn't just something you see... it's something you smell. new lysol no mess automatic toilet bowl cleaner not only cleans your toilet with every flush, but also freshens your entire bathroom. so even in between deep cleans, it's as fresh as any room in your home. for tips on a healthy home, visit lysol.com/ missionforhealth.
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>> jimmy: you're in for a real treat. this is her latest album, "chamber music society." here with the song "really very small," esperanza spalding. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ is it really all ♪ ♪ very, very, very small
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♪ that's all ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ very, very small ♪ so big and everything it seems ♪ ♪ really it's nothing at all not very small ♪ ♪ oh that's so that's so small ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] kikikikii
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thanks to bill maher. apologies to matt damon. tomorrow. emily blunt. max irons, music from aaron lewis. esperanza spalding's new album, "chamber music society," out now. playing us off the air with "winter sun" once again, esperanza spalding! goodnight, everybody! [applause] ♪ once autumn's glow has gone away and gray cotton clouds blanket drowsy days ♪ ♪ you're the winter sun winter sun
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yes you are my winter sun ♪ ♪ once fallen leaves have lost their crunch and turn to confetti brown and orange ♪ ♪ i know soon you'll come tame the whip of the wind ♪ ♪ ah and bathe the naked branches with warmth and light ah ♪ ♪ ah when tired bones tremble from the cold one kiss of your warmth ♪

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