hope you check in for "good morning america." they're working while you're sleeping. and they'll have the latest on the budget battle in washington tomorrow morning. we're always online at abcnews.com. and i'll see you back here tomorrow night. >> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- norm macdonald. >> that was a comedy genius. you ever try to sit through that [ bleep ]. >> dicky: elisha cuthbert. and music from f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f

f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f

f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f f fab >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with a word about stubhub, the world's largest fan-to-fan ticket marketplace, where fans buy and sell the tickets they choose to sports, concerts and more even on the day of the event and even if it's sold out. >> jim! i wish you would've brought this up earlier today. >> jimmy: why's that, uncle frank? >> i wanted l.a. kings tickets for tonight! tonight. >> jimmy: l.a. kings? i had no idea you were a hockey fan. >> me neither! what about john mellencamp? can i get john mellencamp tickets for this friday on hubhub? >> jimmy: it's stubhub and yes, you can get john mellencamp tickets there. yes. >> good. and can i get theater tickets? >> jimmy: sure, you can find those on stubhub, too. >> okay, good.

what about parking tickets? >> jimmy: no parking tickets. >> what about speeding tickets? >> jimmy: no. sports, music, theater shows. >> okay. what about ice cream? can i get ice cream on stubstub? >> jimmy: no. you cannot get ice cream. and it's stubhub. nicely done. >> dicky: stubhub.com. turning fans fantasies into reality. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with elisha cuthbert, music from funeral party and norm macdonald.

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ever ever allowed to use my trash can basketball hoop! big whoop! [ male announcer ] get your own melty, irresistible chicken cordon bleu -- back because you love it. subway. eat fresh. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- norm macdonald. from "happy endings," elisha cuthbert. and music from funeral party. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" ♪ >> dicky: and now, above all, here's jimmy kimmel!

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very kind. i appreciate. that i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thanks for all the screaming. hey, is everyone feeling okay health wise? you all right, everybody all right? because -- [ applause ] 13 people on our staff called in sick to work today which -- that usually only happens on the day after st. patrick's day and cinco de seise. i think it's the stomach flu. we lost 30% of our writing staff today, which is two people. two of our writers assistants. four producers. we lost our director. we had to bring a replacement

director in at the last minute. which -- >> take two! take five! back to you, jimmy. >> jimmy: thanks bob. bob's here to direct and help mop up the vomit with his body. tonight on "american idol," the beginning of rock and roll hall of fame week which is kind of like bikini night on "the biggest loser." it's not necessarily what you want to see. some of the greatest songs all time reimagined by teenagers who sing offkey. and once again steven tyler was mr. positiveity. he actually said michael jackson's "man in the mirror" is the finest song ever written. which -- it's not even the finest michael jackson song ever written. there are -- he's not -- he honestly hasn't said one negative thing in a month. but i guess i understand. it's hard to be critical when you're in love. and in love he is with every female on the show.

and to prove it, it's time for steven tyler's creepy leer of the night. ♪ higher ♪ ♪ day by day ♪ ♪ do i love you ♪ >> jimmy: at least she had neck protection, so -- [ applause ] i have to say, i miss simon cowell. he didn't like anybody. simon sat down last night with piers morgan on cnn. he often times gets aggressive with his guests but it was quite the opposite with simon. simon, you know, is his boss on "america's got talent." the interview is not what you could call hard-hitting. if anything, he almost appeared to be infatuated with simon. >> what's his real talent? i said the genius of simon is your ability to guess what the public is going to like. would you accept that? >> well, thank you. what it is that i know what i like. >> do you think you're a bit of

a sex god? >> a sex god? >> do you look in the mirror and think, whoa, looking good today? ♪ >> ah, yes, please. >> jimmy: isn't that sweet? another royal wedding. that will be nice. was simon wearing eye shadow? the lighting maybe -- maybe it's maybelline, i don't know. there's a heated debate going on in congress right now over the budget. if an agreement isn't reached by friday at midnight the united states government will be shut down. the two sides are fighting far apart. democrats are demanding that the government tax everyone all their money and use it to fund free abortions for teenagers where as republicans want to sell the government to exxon mobil and forcibly relocate gays

to puerto rico so there are some fundamental differences there. if they don't come to an agreement, all nonemergency government services will shut down next week which could cause the dmv to be inconvenient and full of delays. the shutdown would mean many public beechaches could be closed which could severely whiten john boehner. supposedly, i find this hard to believe, he cried at a closed closed-door meeting today. the guy krips like paula abdul at a poodle funeral. it's -- he's definitely in the pocket of big kleenex. on monday night, the university of connecticut men's basketball team won the ncaa championship. but the real championship of college basketball was held last night in indianapolis, where texas a&m beat notre dame to win the women's championship. a local news crew set up shop at a bar in college station, texas. now, this is where presumably they would be very excited about

texas a&m and the celebration was wild, to say the least. >> well, guess what? tonight, the lady aggies basketball team won it all, a national championship. our reporter kevin reese joins us live with all the activeity at college station. they have to be excited. kevin? >> very excited. this place is still hopping. you can see the folks still here celebrating. how is everybody doing? good. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: can i get an order of chicken strips? everybody's doing just fine. probably celebrating on the inside. it must be a sleepy week for sports or something. i don't know if people are resting up for football or what but this is a video taken in the stands at the yankees game on sunday. and this is why you should never, ever fall asleep in the bronx. okay.

that's two. three. that's four -- oh -- you can credit him with four. three and a half. [ applause ] that's a great thing about baseball. while you watch it you can play head jenga. luckily the man with the cups on his head turned out to be dead so no harm no foul. remember how freaked out everyone was about the missing cobra at the bronx zoo? even here in los angeles, i was freaked out about the cobra in the bronx zoo. somebody e maimed a video from youtube to me today, it's called "cleaning the cobra pit." as you can see here. that's a man cleaning a cobra pit with -- that's a rake in his left hand. and he's tossing snakes like

he's going through the sock drawer or something. now he's -- you know people in other countries are less scared of things than we are because this would not -- yes, it's dangerous work but it pays 22 cents an hour. so -- look at that. you are over here. you are over there. by the way, he's wearing flip-flops. and look at them all up and staring at him! and he's stealing their eggs while they do it, too. i mean, that is -- it's embarrassing for us, really. celebrity gossip sites are buzzing today with news that a new tattoo has been spotted on the body of angelina jolie. yeah. she was meeting with libyan ref refugees in tunisia, and not a word about that, but the tattoo is big news. she's like the bombshell mcgee of u.n. good will ambassadors. can you imagine being angelina

jolie's tattoo artist? that's a lot of pressure. i would practice on a less important angelina first, like the one from "jersey shore," you know you screw her up, not such a big deal. but apparently, and this is kind of complicated. angelina has six tattoos on her arm, it coordinates with the birthplace of each of her kids. so, this new tattoo the seventh, has sparked rumors that she's adopting again. or some are speculating that the tattoo marks the latitude and longitude of where brad pitt was born in oklahoma, which would mean she's adopted brad pitt. maybe he's aging backwards again into that baby. but we analyzed the tattoo. we sent a camera crew to the cord nates that we were able to make out and it turns out she is adopting again. she's adopting this giant chinese baby. he's the rolly polly jolie. they named him faddo aafat-ox.

can we watch him eat again? congratulations to the pitt-joe lee fall jolie family. in other news mariah carey is about to have twipgns, and she's now nude on the cover of "life and style" magazine. hey, speaking of pregnancy, according to tax documents released yesterday, in 2009 bristol palin was paid $260,000 to promote teen abstinence. imagine what she could have earned if she were actually abstinent. there's a nonprofit organization

that reported the information to the irs. this is a group that's funded by the shoe company candie's. they said if we could warn our kids about the dangers of teenage pregnancy, we could sell a lot of slutty shoes. it is remarkable. bristol made a quarter million dollars telling teenagers not to get pregnant though she did. snooki got paid $32,000 to speak at rutgers university. she told the students to study hard. that's like this happening. >> hi, i'm guillermo. don't have a mustache. it's not good. and lose some weight. >> jimmy: very well said. i hope they paid you a lot for that. >> yes, jimmy. >> jimmy: they did. and one more thing, our old pal charlie sheen is still in the news. his tour hit cleveland last night and is in columbus

tonight. it's a fascinating thing that's happening the man is going through a major psychological crisis and not only isn't anyone helping him, they are buying tickets and complaining he isn't being crazy enough on the tour. his lawyers are working hard to corner the lucrative catch phrase market. his company is applying for trademarks on more than 20 of his catch phrases, like tiger blood, rock star from mars adonis dna, all that sort of thing. why he is doing this i have no idea. in six weeks you'll be buying these t-shirts at the salvation army alongside the ayatollah is an a-hole-a testify-shirts-shirts. i guess it goes to show you that if you're a celebrity with a fay motion catch phrase you really should trademark it as soon as its comes out of your mark and

do it with this guy. >> are you a television or film personality with an identifiable catch phrase? if so why not trademark it to earn hills and mountains of money. wow! call the offices of greenburg and green brerg today and start putting your words to work for you. we've trademarked hundreds of popular catch phrases like your fired, what you talking about willis? pitchy pitchy dog, dog. you're not the father! i'll be back you've been terminated terminated. hide your kids hide your wife hide your husbands. you [ bleep ] ruined my [ bleep ] life you gold digging [ bleep ]. greenburg and greenburg specializing in catch phrase trademarks since 2002.

i pity the fool who don't call today. place mrauls. >> jimmy: he wasn't sick today. it's one of the guys that wasn't. we have a good show for you tonight. elisha cuthbert is here. we have music from funeral party and we'll be right back with norm macdonald, so stick around. this felt like the smartest car. when ford swaps your ride, you tend to talk about it. mallory, you were driving a what? honda accord. now you're in a...? ford fusion. my gas mileage is awesome. cuz i'm always in the car and driving everywhere. mallory, mallory... bit of a hugger. i really like finding things along my route. find shoe stores. sync: 'destination shoe store.' you guys must be fun to ride around with. swap your ride and get a fuel-efficient ford fusion with 0% financing plus $500 cash back.

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doesn't just play the sax, he conducts the band, as well. thanks for watching.

it's flu night here on the show. it's like the movie "outbreak," only starring norm macdonald instead of dustin hoffman. on the show tonight, a young woman who spent many years being kidnapped on "24." she's now a star of the new comedy on abc called "happy endings." elisha cuthbert is here. and then with music from this their debut album. it came out this week. it's called "the golden age of knowhere." funeral party from the bud light stage. tomorrow we'll be joined by vin diesel, neve campbell, and have music from ellie goulding. our first guest tonight is an exceptionally funny man. he's an actor, comedian and former news anchor for "saturday night live." next week, history will be made with the premiere of "sports show with norm macdonald." watch it tuesday night at 10:30 on comedy central. please welcome norm macdonald. [ cheers and applause ]

>> how is it going, jimmy? >> jimmy: you scared me. >> why? >> jimmy: i don't know. i felt like you were coming to attack me. >> no, no. i like getting out here fast. people don't like people walking. you know? right? the jokes get jokes in. >> jimmy: some people really milk the walk out. i admire that. i don't have that kind of confidence to stand there and to do this and -- >> to do the big thing and the wave. >> jimmy: sometimes they go in and there's hand shakes? people don't care too much for you. not you, me. >> jimmy: or us, together. how are you? glad your ankle is better. >> i pulled my tendon -- >> jimmy: that's bad, right? >> no, it's good. you like rickles, right? no, i'll tell you why it's bad. this is a thing. you have a boy, i know you have a boy. >> jimmy: a boy and a girl yeah. >> i know you have a boy.

>> jimmy: yeah. >> i have a boy as well. they get to a certain age. i always let my kid, when i play basketball, i would let him win because i thought that was the gentlemanly thing to do, because he was 6. >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> so, i would pretend like he would win. i could easily beat him. so, then a day came when all of a sudden he beat me like for real he beat me you know? and i don't know if you have ever gotten through this, but it's a change, you know? >> jimmy: changes everything. >> everything changes and you realize that you're, you know, you're irrelevant. >> jimmy: is that how you got the -- your son hurt you? >> yeah, my son hurt me yeah. >> jimmy: wow. have you talked to anyone? >> over christmas, he said my dad's like [ bleep ], he said he can't even he never beat me in his my whole life he never beat me at basketball. i said no, youi let you win as a

kid. you got proof of that? so, he thinks i couldn't beat him when he was 6. >> jimmy: that's -- >> so who's the [ bleep ]? >> jimmy: you have the right -- you might be right. you have to write it down and mail it to him so it's postmarked. >> that's right. >> jimmy: i'm glad you're all right. you're in the middle of the big tour for "sports show." >> i was on letterman. who is better than him? >> jimmy: nobody. >> i'm just kidding. >> jimmy: of course, that's why we want to do this stuff. >> exactly. i don't want to do it. >> jimmy: well it's why we've agreed to do it. >> but what's awesome is you get to meet like guys right? i was on letterman. i met willie nelson one of my heroes because i love country western music and billy joe shavers is buddies with willie. so, when i was at letterman last week, i was like i have to go talk to willie you know? the guy, the segment producer

is norah jones is with him. i don't know who that is. but they you know, they get old legends to sing with young person? >> jimmy: right, yeah. >> i go, okay okay whatever. so, he goes, yeah but she'll be there, don't forget to say anything. >> i go, all right, all right. i go down and there ice willie nelson. we're talking, and then there's a lady standing beside him. he hits me like this, i go huh? i remember i go oh nora e effron. i said norah jones after. here's the thing. when you say nora fast it's hard not to say effron. >> jimmy: it's one of the hardest things to do in your life. did she catch it? >> it's hard for me with the people, especially with the ladies to remember. many of them look alike. and -- >> jimmy: all women look alike to you? >> sort of. have you seen the old movies that's when they really

[ bleep ], like, you know you ever try to you know like they always go hey, charlie chaplain, that was a comedy genius. you ever try to sit through that [ bleep ]? >> jimmy: honestly, no. >> but in the 1920 movies and stuff, you see the ladies back then and they would all have big round white faces and hair up here. they would look like everybody else but they would say that one's gorgeous. [ laughter ] you have to take their word for it. >> jimmy: she's a great beauty. >> but anyways, i was going to say, i don't know the ladies that well. and really it's hollywood's fault for not giving them good roles. so i was on the show they invited me on this show "my name is earl" tv show. >> jimmy: yeah. this was a couple of years ago? >> yeah, it's gone, it's off. it was very successful. a really funny show, though i never saw it. because you can't see everything.

>> jimmy: you can't. >> it's hard enough to see anything. so i say, send me something, you know, a thing to watch. they say, we'll send you a link. i go excellent, i don't know what that link is. anyways, i don't watch it right? so i figure i'll just pretend like i've seen the show, you know? and so i go in i'm like, hey, everybody, man earl that guy is good and everybody else too, i'm trying to make it sound good and stuff. so then i sit down, i go this is great man. and i can't, because when you lie you overcome pep sate. it's better to tell the truth. i'm sitting beside a lady who goes by the name jamie presley. she's sitting beside me pregnant. she's in the family way as they say. so i look over at her, i see she's pregnant, so i say, listen jamie, that's amazing,

like, you're pregnant. it's cool how they shoot around that on the show you don't look pregnant. she says "i'm pregnant on the show." so then i say, i know! i don't know -- >> jimmy: did that work? >> yeah, trying to confound her. >> jimmy: you probably did. >> really loud. >> jimmy: when you moved here from canada did you come to new york or los angeles? >> hey man, i met the guy from -- i met the guy from "lost" played john locke. you have heard of that fella? >> jimmy: of course. >> i love "lost." have you heard of it? >> jimmy: i'm obsessed with the show. i'm still watching it. >> i watched it on the -- >> jimmy: link? >> yeah. you got that working? >> on the computer where you can watch, like, one, you can watch them right after each other so there's no cliff hanger you know? you probably watched it --

>> jimmy: do you think i'm 80? >> no, i -- you probably watched the show though -- >> jimmy: i watch it during the -- >> that must have been incredibly frustrating. >> jimmy: no it wasn't. why would you say that that? >> well, because i couldn't wait 30 seconds to get into it on my -- >> jimmy: sometimes it is better to space things out, talk about it and then you have to wait a week and it's you know delayed gratification. >> i guess yeah. that's what's fun about a bloom club. but -- [ applause ] but here's the thing. >> jimmy: where are you in the run of "lost?" >> i finished it. but i -- i realize something around season three. that these guys that wrote the show, they didn't know they were going for six seasons. so, they did not have this planned out. >> jimmy: you don't think they did? >> no, they did not write 400-hour tv show and cut it up. they didn't know when they were going to get cancelled.

they were just making up stuff. >> jimmy: they planned to end the show. they ended the show early. >> they -- that was their ending? >> jimmy: yeah. >> oh, yeah. that's even worse. if they was their ending -- >> jimmy: that was the ending. >> i do not like ambiguous endings. i don't want to try to figure it out. >> jimmy: what about "the sopranos" ending? >> i want to know. i don't want to be left. movie "lost in translation," bill murray. you remember that movie? at the end of the movie, you see it's all good he runs through the crowd, whispers into scarlett johansson's ears -- they don't have him miked. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's unforgivable. >> what? and then they're like you figure it out. me? i'm supposed to figure it out? i'm watching -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: norm -- >> i like figuring out movies in

the same way that movie, be like, me hey, man, i'm going to buy a car. i think i'll go down to detroit, see if they need any help welding. >> jimmy: i can't believe you're not american. it makes no sense to me. >> they have to do a commercial -- >> jimmy: we're going to do a commercial, we'll be right back with norm macdonald, "the sports show." what makes a hershey's bar pure? ["melt with you" playing] pure fun.

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>> jimmy: we're back with the great norm macdonald. he's got a new show called "sports show kw norm macdonald" on comedy central. are you an athlete? >> you like rickles, right? >> jimmy: i love rickles. >> i was doing a movie with rickles. >> jimmy: "dirty work," right? >> right. so awesome. and so he couldn't remember -- he couldn't remember any lines, so i would go like i write something i thought sounded like rickles. like hey, don, say this to artie lange. say, baskin-robbins called they're down to three flavors. so then he goes he goes look at you, he goes baskins and johnson called me today. he goes, and you know what they told me? they told me you ate all the rice.

tubs and tubs. and now -- it's like 45 minutes. so -- but this is the funniest man. >> jimmy: you give don rickles lines. you let him come up with his own? >> you have to let him go. but rickles man. he's the real deal. >> jimmy: he's the best. >> the funniest guy. so, that week sinatra was on his death bed, right? rickles close friend. >> jimmy: sure. >> at lunch, people were like should we mention it? i said, i don't think we should mention it bum him out. i said i want to ask him, i said, hey, frank, i mean hey, don, have you talked to frank lately, you know? and he goes, yeah i saw him last week it was a lot of this -- [ laughter ] the guy died four days later. and i said oh, and he goes yeah, it's a lot of me with my head two inches from frank's face going, "i'm not barbara!" >> jimmy: well, frank wouldn't

have wanted it any other way. let's talk tab show. i think the show is going to be a big hit. i hope it is. for your sake. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: but i really do. i think it's going to be a big hit. i'm looking forward to watching it. >> it's about sports. >> jimmy: are you a big sports fan? >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you gamble? >> sometimes. >> jimmy: you won't be able to do it anymore now that you're a public figure. >> yeah, i quit gambling on sports. >> jimmy: for real? [ laughter ] >> you consider baseball a sport? >> jimmy: sometimes, it depends on who is playing. >> you consider basketball a sport? >> jimmy: yeah, sure. >> football? >> jimmy: yeah. >> technically i still gamble on sports. >> jimmy: we have a clip here. i don't -- >> yes, i brought a clip. >> jimmy: the show starts on tuesday. >> a brought a clip. >> jimmy: you brought a clip? >> you want to see it? >> jimmy: yeah. >> i got a clip. >> jimmy: why not? we might as well see it. >> hey, what about this? [ laughter ]

super dave has been on the phone with me backstage. the great super dave osborne. and he's been on the phone while i'm trying to get ready to come out here. he keeps phoning me. >> jimmy: that's what he does. >> he goes this is what you do. you walk out, you're wearing a pompadore. just look at jimmy, you don't say a thing for five minutes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this is why we never invite him back anymore. >> he says, let me ask you a question. it's fourth down and one, you're at the 1 yard line. you have the choice you can head into o.j. simpson, jim brown or emmitt smith. i'd go with rosie o'donnell. [ applause ] then you got kirstie alley in the hole and wendy 0 williams --

>> jimmy: wendy 0 williams? that's a punk singer right? >> yeah i think he was a little confused. >> jimmy: you don't want to show the clip, do you? >> i'll show it. >> jimmy: this is from "sports show." take a look. [ laughter ] >> that's not the whole -- [ applause ] there's more. there's more jimmy. that's not the whole clip. >> jimmy: okay, good, good. >> there's more than that. there. >> jimmy: that's it? [ applause ] the show's not on yet, in fairness. >> it's what the kids call meta-comedy. >> jimmy: is what that the kids call it now? >> i went to a meeting once,

they said, it's very meta. i'm like what the [ bleep ]? it turned out it's a comedy term. here i am in comedy i don't know the term. yet, this [ bleep ] studio head knew it. >> jimmy: it a comedy term for people who aren't funny. and they use it regularly. well, great to have you here. i wish you the best with the show. "sports show" with norm macdonald next tuesday night at 10 10:30 on comedy central. we'll be right back with elisha cuthbert. you don't have the app store... so you don't have the world's largest selection of apps... that are this easy to find... and this easy to download right to your phone. so it can be almost anything... like a boarding pass. or do almost anything... like pay for your coffee. yup. if you don't have an iphone... well, you don't have an iphone.

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>> jimmy: hi there. we're back. funeral party is still to come. much like norm macdonald, our next guest is a beautiful young woman from canada. she has a new show called "happy endings" premiering next wednesday at 9:30 on abc. please say hello to elisha cuthbert.

[ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> jimmy: very good to see you. >> nice to see you, too. >> jimmy: how is everything? >> things are great. >> jimmy: still dating that hockey player? >> yes. >> jimmy: what is his name again? >> dion phaneuf, which you had a lot of fun with the last time i was here. >> jimmy: it's a great name. >> especially when you are playing jay leno. >> jimmy: that's right. i was dressed as jay last time you were here. >> my name is good with jay, too. that was fun. and chevy chase was there, too. that was great. where we do the new show at paramount, they shoot "community" and so chevy chase is on "community." giving the show a little plug there. i saw him coming. i thought, this is great, we have your show in common. this is my in he's a legend

i'm like hey, he was like this hey! and i was like -- and then he was like uh and walked away. >> jimmy: well, he's known for his warmth. >> i heard stories. but that was mine. i think mip's prettyne's pretty good. >> jimmy: that's a good story. better than a lot of people's stories. >> i thought we would have that fun little thing because a lot of people really -- that show that night, was so epic i feel like. >> jimmy: yeah, a lot of people watched it. >> you told me about it 20 minutes before i got out here. you said i'm going to be method tonight. >> jimmy: i don't know that word. >> you were really in character. >> jimmy: i want to ask you a question. your boyfriend got traded from -- >> calgary. >> jimmy: to toronto. and when that happens, you -- do you have to make a whole new set of friends with like the

girlfriends and wives of the players from another team? >> wow, yes, i do. >> jimmy: and is that -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: is that strange? >> it's lovely. it's great. i'm -- you -- you know as you get older it's harder to make new friends because of what we have in common with boyfriends and husbands playing on the same team you get to meet this new group of women and they're all, some of them have children, some of them don't. it's great. >> jimmy: do you miss the old team and do you feel comfortable screaming and rooting against the other group? i think what you're telling us is you didn't like the wives -- >> no, i loved -- no i have some friends that are still there. i just -- yeah of course you can't just you know -- you just keep the friendships with some people that stay special in your life. but no obviously i'm rooting for toronto now. i'm not rooting for calgary. >> jimmy: they were eliminated from the playoffs last night. >> yeah but dion got there, i feel like the team was -- he

knew the team wasn't going to make the playoffs and to take the team this far, the group has worked so hard it's been a really great thing to be a fan. >> jimmy: you have to cheer him up now -- >> i got -- his birthday is actually the day after the last game of the season, the regular season. and so i bought him a lot of extra birthday gifts to cheer him up. >> jimmy: will that work on him? is he 5? >> i who doesn't like gifts? >> jimmy: can you tell us what you got him? >> that might ruin it. but you know, when you are with someone for a substantial amount of time, it's hard especially with guys to come up with great gifts. i never told you this story. i ordered him, a friend of mine said because we have a pool table. he loves to play pool with the guys and what not. i don't play but he's great at it. and so a girlfriend of mine said there's this web be site that does custom balls. [ laughter ] you can get him custom balls.

>> jimmy: what's custom? >> you can put their name in there -- >> jimmy: in the ball? >> in the ball. they are clear but they have a little bit so i thought that was, this is a clever idea. this is something that -- this is like a novelty gift. this is a definite need not a want. it's a need. no, it was a fun, unique gift. so i get on the phone, i call i order them. they show up finally. and i open the box and you know what the balls said? >> jimmy: no. >> they were supposed to say dion phaneuf. and they said cloughkhloe and lamar odom. one athlete got one guy's balls and the other guy got the other guy's balls. >> jimmy: you swapped balls? >> the company swapped our balls! so i got lamar's balls and he got dion's balls. >> jimmy: hollywood, you know?

like -- that's a collector's item. >> i'm like, hey, khloe, can i get my guys balls back, please? >> jimmy: i would have kept the odom balls. why not? >> i did actually. >> jimmy: so, the show happy endings, you're now to kidnapped in this show which is nice. you're not chased by a kug jar or anything terrible like that. >> no, i'm actually smiling and latching and having so much fun. >> jimmy: and happy? is the title intentionally, like, slightly dirty? >> it's a little cheeky. >> jimmy: it is. yeah, yeah i think we're a little edgy but we're fun and we're, you know it's -- it's not, you know, it's not complicated. it's about a group of six really really close friends that are going through different stages of love in their life and, you know it's just -- it's just a fun show. >> jimmy: very good. well, i hope it does great for you. great to see you. give my regards to dion. >> i will. >> jimmy: "happy endings" next wednesday night at 9:30 here on

abc. elisha cuthbert everybody. we'll be right back with funeral party.bc okay, there we are... um, these days we're all trying to save money, that's why i'm shooting this commercial myself, at home. it's really easy and i can pass the savings onto you. okay, ready for the food part? check it out. my warm and flaky croissant sandwiches. supreme or sausage. both made with fresh egg and melting cheese. you get 2 for just 3 bucks okay, i'm back, whoa- oh, i am so ready for this recession to be over.

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100% delicious. @@ >> jimmy: this is their debut album, it is called "the golden age of knowhere." here with the song "finale,"

♪ ♪ ♪ i always knew we would end up just like this so pour me one last drink with ♪ ♪ my last kiss things always end up hit or miss i'd love to tell you ♪ ♪ come on let's reminisce and all the words that we couldn't say in the backyards where ♪ ♪ we used to stay the children we grow old there so sorry that it had to end ♪ ♪ ♪ and we're singing ♪

♪ we are young ♪ ♪ take my hand and we can try ♪ ♪ you are young ♪ ♪ so am i ♪ ♪ we do what we want ♪ ♪ and we take it all night ♪ ♪ your hair is gray and your shoes are worn ♪ ♪ and the books you've read with the pages torn you found one person you never knew ♪ ♪ you told them what to look forward to and when you woke up in your sad demise ♪ ♪ you real izeize we're getting out of your way we're moving out ♪ ♪ at the end of days because we are the voices under the tracks drawing you forward ♪ ♪ pushing you back we are the voices under the tracks drawing you forward ♪ ♪ pushing you back