morning. that's our report. we are always online at abcnews.com. until tomorrow, good night, america. >> up next on a new all "jimmy kimmel live." >> no one dropped kirstie alley. >> i want to know what it's like to be cool. >> and music from asking alexandria. >> snooki will be making $100,000 an episode.

>> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with a message about verizon 4g lte, the network that lets you seamlessly stream hdtv shows, download 20 photos in a minute, and download a song less than four seconds. why? because even though some other carriers would lead you to believe they have 4g, verizon has one of the only true 4g lte networks out there. >> are you saying they are claiming to be something they are not? >> jimmy: si, guillermo, that's exactly what i'm saying. >> but that is not honest. >> jimmy: i understand that. >> yes, that is disspeckible. >> he's an imposter.

>> jimmy: oh, my god. i'm so sorry, guillermo. have this impostor arrested! >> no, jimmy! i am the real guillermo! he is an impostor! >> jimmy: this is a dilemma. i am going to shoot whichever one of you is the real guillermo! >> why? >> yeah, why, jimmy? that's not a good idea. >> jimmy: i don't know why. seriously though, guys. come on. which one of you is the real guillermo? >> he is. >> jimmy: now doesn't it feel better to tell the truth? >> yes. >> jimmy: if only some mobile phone carriers felt the same way. come on, guys, let's go take a bath. >> dicky: verizon 4g lte. the fastest, most advanced 4g network in america. built so you can rule the air. >> jimmy: jl jl back with two minis. with mike birbiglia, music from asking alexandria and david arquette.

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"jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, david arquette. comedian mike birbiglia. and music from asking alexandria. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you very much. welcome to the show. i'm the host of the program. thank you for watching. thank you for being here tonight. is everyone happy that the government is still running? [ laughter ] i am so, so glad.

who would give me my parking tickets? just before midnight, the government and the president agreed on a program that keep the company from not moving forward. and obama postponed a weekend with his family to visit williamsburg. bad news, we're going have to cancel our visit to colonial williamsburg. sorry, sasha and malia. he said, if they didn't have an agreement, he was going to make them go on ainvestigation to colonial williamsburg. i'm not going to pay taxes this year. we have a few days but i'm not going to pay. and when they say i'm going to prison, i will say, no, it will cost taxpayer money. you keep whatever it would cost

to incarcerate me and we will call it even. [ applause ] and i will run around in circles for no reason. week four of "dancing with the stars." the first week of classical music week. in tv, a ratings grabber. a 46-piece orchestra took the stage to accompany the karate kid. i'm sure that beethoven would have stopped at four symphonies if he had known. they had the waltz like a little waltz. and it's like being asked to

choose which of our gay kids you love the most. for the first time in a week, nobody dropped kirstie alley. that was good. and charlie sheen's crazy train continues to roll acrosses the united states. friday night, he was at radio city music hall. >> i got kicked off. snuck back in and he sucked both times. >> the first time is a charm. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: charlie's show, he bombed friday. they loved him saturday in connecticut and loved him again sunday at radio city music hall. even his audiences are bipolar. he had a no heckling sign posted inside the theater. if you don't want new yorkers to

heckle, the best way to deter that is to hang a no heckling sign. that is how they do it at yankee stadium. it works like a charm. he is not the only thing that new yorkers are complaining about. gas prices are among the highest in the country. $4 a gallon. fox five asked people what they think about the prices and you are not going to believe it, they don't like that. >> every day they raise the price. >>th gas prices are wonderful. just like four years ago. i hope they make the $200 a gallon. i can't wait. >> this is sarcasm. >> yeah, of course it is. 100% sarcastic [ laughter ] >> jimmy: when did jackie mason start driving a cab? i never heard a cab driver speak

english before. yesterday began the national volunteer week. does everyone feel like doing my laundry? one can volunteer in all sorts of ways. i like to volunteer information. you did know the aardvark has a gestation period of seven months? now you do and i feel great. to make the process simpler, we put together a short video that will make it easier for you to pitch in and do your part. >> so you want to be a volunteer? good for you. volunteering is rewarding. fun, and easy. first, identify and contact the organization you would like to support. in all likelihood, it no longer exists. call another. that was doesn't return your

calls. and no, you cannot come in for an interview because you have a job. if you succeed, wait for thome to do a background check. it will take no longer than a month, possibly two. and go through inoculation for diseases even though all you want to do is read to kids. you are set to lecture elderly about how they do things for an hour. and you are ready. and you may get to read to a child. congratulations, volunteer! [ applause ] >> jimmy: see how easy it is? very good news for the economy today. according to "entertainment weekly, " the contract disputes for jersey shore have been resolved and the cast members will earn at least $100,000 an

episode. shall that should pay for gym, tan, lawndy. snooki will be making $100,000 an episode. that doesn't count the money from baking cookies in the hollowed out tree. she is now the second or third highest paid hobbit since the lord of the ring. if i had any idea humping and vomiting could be profitable. and meanwhile, mtv has spin offs. one are nookgy and j woww. and this one, the most potential of all. >> two seasons of jersey shore. >> she is following you. >> and now she is playing the field. the crazy israeli girl stalks

another celebrity. meat loaf. >> do you understand me! >> khloe kardashian. >> the shark is a mean killing machine. >> premiers thursday on mtv followed by vinny's weird uncle. [ applause ] >> jimmy: there have been a lot of rumors swirling abdomen america's favorite news persons. monday, it was rum thears katie curic is expected to leave the cbs evening news and then meredith vieira and matt lauer

will lever the "today" show. and what do you hire to anchor the cbs evening news? really, coming to mind is my aunt chippy. we gave her a chance to audition. we gave her news. see if she has what it takes. >> hey this is aunt chippy and we have break news onager jerse shore. roll it. >> the hell raisers are millionaires. >> fight, fight, punch. >> $100,000 per ed soed. >> $100,000? oh, my god. these people become millionaires

for the punching, the screwing, and that's all they do. you you watch this [ bleep ]? look at all the money that goes into this [ bleep ]. i can't believe it. when you are going to say no more [ bleep ]? we're tired of us. get us something good. decent. they are millionaires because you're watching! i'm done. i'm done. i'm done. i'm done! with and you them. and i'm spitting on myself, besides. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: say what you want. i hope you're happy, america. you have upset my aunt chippy. hugh hefner celebrated his 85th birthday in las vegas. shows how far we have come in the battle against stds. he is definitely a vampire,

right? it was celebrated late into the morning hours and he retired to the suite with his 24-year-old fiance and she told him they had sex and went to sleep. you have heard of the running of the brides? this is in chicago. and they save money on wedding dresses and they do it by pulling their hair and arms out of their sockets and they had quite a turn out. >> this filene's basement in chicago, in search of the dress, and don't get in the way of a bride to be in the way of a gown. >> jimmy: go back a second. does anything seem odd to you? that is kate middleton!

the princess to be trampling three brides in illinois. that's -- [ applause ] oh, thank you. this weekend on npr, they had caters experts predict the food and on the "today," they had people guessing where they will honeymoon. they had reporters from the beach talking about where the royal couple might possibly lay. let's go to al roker who is in bed with his wife. al, what position do you believe -- the apprentiapprentice, last we episode had a fight with nene

leaks. imagine if he had to hire one of these -- that should be the law. he should be required to hire them. nene really hammered latoya. we thought it would be fun. here, you go, apresenty casper style. >> if you say it, i'm real. >> go in the bathroom and hide. >> she is a big bully. all she is in mouth and height. and she uses that to her advantage. >> i worked my ass off while you sat there. let's be clear, casper. the only reason you got this far is because of your last name. you are very old. you are on old lady. be gone.

disappear. >> jimmy: hit them with a broom. i didn't know casper had a last name. and one more thing, tonight, this is breaking news. univision, had a finale of a show that is the number one show. it's a hugely popular show and the finale was centered around the wedding of the character. it's a major, major event. and see if you recognize everyone here. [ speaking foreign language ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: how do you know those people? you are invited? >> yeah, it's good. >> jimmy: how do you get on the show? >> they called me and i said, all right. >> jimmy: how did they find you in the first place? >> i guess they called here or something.

>> jimmy: what was he saying to you? >> when you are going invite jimmy? >> jimmy: he said me? that's exciting. we have a great show tonight. an international super star, mike birbiglia is here with us. we have music from asking alexandria and we'll be right back with david arquette. [ cheers and applause ] [ male announcer ] at cheez-it, we expect a lot from our cheese. why did the cook get arrested? i don't know. he was caught beating an egg! [ laughs ] a cheese monger, a dairy farmer and a duck walk into this... wait a minute, have you heard this one? nice tie sir. is that a windsor knot? [ male announcer ] we take the time for our cheese to mature before we bake it into every delicious cracker

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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. tonight on the show, a very funny man. he just opened a one man show.

at the bar row street theeter in new york. it's called "my girlfriend's boyfriend." mike birbiglia is here. then later, thanks to our powerful friends at whooznxt.com, who used their mastery of the internet to find the most talked-about band at the south by southwest music festival last month, this is their new album, "reckless and relentless." all the way from the united kingdom, asking alexandria from the bud light sound stage. you can see them on the warp tour. tomorrow night we'll be joined by emma roberts, documentary filmmaker morgan spurlock, the latest castoff from "dancing with the stars," and we'll hear music from jenny & johnny. later this week, eva longoria, patrick warburton, tom arnold, alison brie, and music from both robyn and francis and the lights. please enjoy those shows. our first guest is a multitalented man who acts, writes, produces, sings, designs clothes and sometimes even wrestles. starting this friday, he reprises the role of sheriff dewey riley in "scream 4." please say hello to david arquette. [ cheers and applause ]

♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you are dressed like you should be carrying a huge gun that you pull out. >> oh, i am, dude, i am. >> jimmy: hue is everything? how you doing? >> i'm good. >> jimmy: you have a big premiere across the street. >> i have a big premiere. >> jimmy: who you did bring to the premiere? >> a couple guys from my show. the roosevelt hotel. we have a crazy show. >> jimmy: little people running around. >> yeah, donnie and wee man. >> jimmy: you told me were you going stop hanging around with these people. didn't you? >> well, i'm sober now.

[ applause ] thank you. i still got a lot of problems. >> jimmy: do you think participating in a show in a bar with a midget circus is a good idea? >> i have been getting that a lot from therapists and everybody. i went on oprah and announced i wasn't doing the show. and she said, it's like me in a potato chip factory. these guys are my friends. they are family. >> jimmy: they are thought your family. you have a family. >> no, they are my family. >> jimmy: the little men are not your children. >> they are like my family. we have an amazing time there. what i do, i dance and i greet people and i sing. i'm fourth generation actor. >> jimmy: you like show people. >> i like show business. i like show people.

>> jimmy: do you get excited -- it's funny with you. you love the lakers, you are at all the games. you love tiny people and giant people. nothing in between. >> it's true. i love all of these people. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i guess what you're telling us, you lied to oprah. >> did i lie to oprah. i misled her. >> jimmy: you are going to hell for that. don't they make you swear on the bible for you go out? >> i feel terrible. sorry, soap ra. >> jimmy: it's been 100 days? >> yeah, 100 plus. [ applause ] thank you. >> jimmy: you celebrated 90 days

was it a week and a half ago? >> yeah, i went down to chile. you can't say chili because it's a bowl of meat and beans. it's chile. i went down to lalplooza down there. >> jimmy: you did go on the stage with cyprus hill. >> i did. i did. >> jimmy: we have a video of that. let's take a look at that. >> oh, no. >> jimmy: that's you. in the hat. now this is sober living that is going on here?

>> that is exactly. >> jimmy: this is you celebrating your sobriety on stage with cyprus hill? >> it actually is. i believe having fun in my sobriety. i learned everything i need to know from drinking but i still love to have fun. >> jimmy: that's like celebrating your release from prison with a bank robbery. >> jand i bowl. you have to find sober activities. >> jimmy: bowling is not a sober activity. >> i bowl much better sober. i bowled a 1734 4. >> jimmy: i don't know what happened to david. all of a sudden, he is in the pba. >> the love it. the roosevelt has bowling alleys. >> jimmy: really?

bowling alleys there? >> yeah, it's like my home there. >> jimmy: i have lined up the little peel there? you brought us another video. i wonder what it is. >> i went through a very public mid life crisis i guess you call it. actually -- this is a documented fact. i thought i was unique. a lot of you guys are going to go through it too. hang on. it's a bumpy ride. >> jimmy: what if that wasn't it? >> that was it. i'm thinking that is it. yeah, so, but what i was doing, i was tweeting and paparazzi were around. and it's documented. and there is embarrassing and picture and video. >> jimmy: does it fall in that category? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you made it? >> no, the paparazzi caught it.

>> jimmy: we will evaluate it together. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the paparazzi followed you in a cartoon world. i want to take a quick break mere. when we come back, we're going talk to david about his big premiere across the street, "scream 4." we'll be right back. then...over time... become dull... and lose their luster because washing in the bargain brand can leave dirt from the wash on your clothes causing your whites to get dingy. new improved tide plus bleach helps to remove the dirt in one wash to bring your whites back to bright. turning white-ish to...wow. tide plus bleach.

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killings seem to resemble the pattern of the original murders? >> later. as i was saying, my officers are hard at work. we just want the community to snow that we are very close to brings this whole situation under control. >> ah! >> jimmy: that's "scream 4." david arquette with us. it's amazing, watching you transform. >> yeah. >> jimmy: sheriff. >> that's right. if the shave right now, i can

have a cop mustache. that is all does. >> jimmy: is that a real mustache? >> that is my real mustache. this is more than a mustache. >> jimmy: it's a whole facial hair thing. sit weird going promotion for the show with courtney? you have to be on camera? nonchts, we got along very well. we have so much fun together. it's been an amazing experience. it's 15 years of my life. we met on the first one. i lost my poiarents in the seco one. and we have a kid. >> jimmy: you have known these people for a long time. you are almost a father figure on the show that you threw birthday parties for some of the cast members.

>> yeah, hayden is in the movie. >> jimmy: you through her a party? >> yeah, with the mad house. >> jimmy: with the mat house again? really. >> jimmy: yeah, we brought it down there. and a beautiful italian dinner and tunnels with a live swing band and upstairs, new york city, and a futuristic go-go luck and there was monkeys and little people and costumes and da dance. the mad house is the funnest thing you can go to. >> jimmy: how many monkeys. >> we're in the fun business. >> jimmy: that should be on your business card. how many monkeys? >> just one monkey. >> jimmy: it didn't get drunk or

anything? >> no, no. >> jimmy: i don't know what monkeys do. >> i hang out with that monkey a lot. >> jimmy: thank you. i know you are doing well. you got to get across the street. david arquette. we will be right back with mike birbiglia. [ cheers and applause ] our latest dish was inspired at our cooking school in tuscany. each year, olive garden sends over 100 of us to study the art of italian cooking. all we learn, we share with you. like our new soffatellis. herb cheese filled puff pastries

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>> dicky: this week on "jimmy kimmel live" --

eva longoria, tom arnold, morgan spurlock, emma roberts, and the latest cast-off from "dancing with the stars." with music from jenny and johnny, francis and the lights and robyn. the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series, sponsored by bud light. to stream off-air performances and other music videos, go to jimmykimmellive.com.

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our next guest is a very funny guy with a new show at the barrow street theatre in new york city. it's called "my girlfriend's boyfriend." and he's here tonight to explain what that means. please say hello to mike birbiglia. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very good to see you. congratulations on the big show. what is the difference between a one man show and a stand up show? >> that's a really good question. i work with a director and we form a series of stories into a single story. there is a lighting designer. >> jimmy: so nothing? >> nothing. nothing at all. it's me talking. >> jimmy: what is "my girlfriend's boyfriend" mean? >> it's a show about love and

pain and kind of how i decided to get married. for a long time, i decided i'm not going get married until i'm sure that nothing else good with happen in my life. i never looked at my parent's marriage and thought, i got to me some of that. and so, like, the show explores the pain that goes into that kind of thinking. i talk about my first girlfriend in high school. amanda and you fall in love. i'm 16 years old and i'm done. she was amazing and played tennis and was adorable. and she was bad girl. she had been expelled from her previous school for dealing acid. and i thought that was a great quality. and she was like, it was messed

up because it wasn't me. it was another girl. i was framed. and i was like, awesome. she wants to know what it's like to write for the newspaper. when you fall in love, you overlook red flags and one of them is she was a liar. that was a biggie. and the oregon one, she told me not to tell anyone she was my girlfriend. i know, i'm in the future also. i can see now? retrospect that was a bigger red flag. >> jimmy: a warning sign. >> yeah, that's a big one. >> jimmy: did do you that? >> yeah, because i was so excited. and i was so happy -- >> jimmy: i understand. yeah. >> it's one of these things, she had another boyfriend at home but they were in the process of

breaking up. the parents were sick, and i kept going along with it. and she invites me to meet her parents. and i was like, i'm going to affirmed as the main boyfriend and i drive my mom's station wagon and i walk in the door, i meet her parents and a few hours later, this other guy comes to the house. and it's slowly donning on me, i'm hanging without my girlfriend's boyfriend. >> jimmy: hence the title of the show. >> he is a nice guy. ipse what she saw in him. be it actually got worse. because he is suggested we go hang out on his house. and i was like, all right. and we went and i met his

girlfriends. it's indescribable, meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents. you are angry and you want to make a good impression. maybe if it goes well, she will see i'm good with parents in general. i'm never going to let that happy to me again. and i did and now i have a one-man show. >> jimmy: does amanda know the show is about her? >> your stage manager was asking about that. and i don't know. people came from my high school. >> jimmy: you should invite her parents to the show. >> yeah, no, you're right. >> jimmy: does amanda's attorneys, they have contacted new. >> that is something that crosses my mind. >> jimmy: you have been getting create reviews for the show.

that has to be exciting. >> thanks. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. the reviews are nice but backhanded. the new york magazine came out, and it said, he's pudgy and likable. and i was like hu, i say i vn been trying to lose seven pounds for years, and this might be the be the year. >> jimmy: day take it. >> yeah, and somebody said that -- i forget what the word was. i waddled on on to the stage. i'm not midding. and i'm like, is this my ankle, you're funny. you're fat but you're funny. if they are nice, they can say

anything. >> jimmy: it's worse when it's wrapped up in a climt. have you gotten doughey? >> for sure. he has an ample belly i made. i don't know. i have hard enough time -- i'm not one of these people, i don't look in the mirror before i leave my apartment. i glance at it to make sure i'm not breathing. i don't stare at it. i'm like, come on. you're leaving the house like that? and the ref is god and the competing teams are the gut and receding hairline. it's a close game. >> jimmy: they are just looking through their thesaurus. you look fine. and i bet amanda is very jealous. she knows she screwed up. >> that's the only reason i do

it. >> jimmy: you might want to lose the ice scream on the cover of the playbook. >> that's a fair point. it never crossed my mind. mike birbiglia. "my girlfriend's boyfriend" is now playing in new york city, and his cd, "sleepwalk with me live," will be available april 19th. we'll be right back with asking alexandria. okay, there we are... um, these days we're all trying to save money, that's why i'm shooting this commercial myself, at home. it's really easy and i can pass the savings onto you. okay, ready for the food part? check it out. my warm and flaky croissant sandwiches.

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>> jimmy: this is their new album. it is called "reckless & relentless." here with the song "someone somewhere," asking alexandria. [ cheers and applause ] ♪

♪ even though i'm on my own i know i'm not alone because i know ♪ ♪ there's someone somewhere praying that i make it home ♪ ♪ i like to imagine you smile when you hear my songs ♪ ♪ even though i'm on my own i know i'm not alone ♪ ♪ because i know there's someone somewhere praying that ♪ ♪ i make it home ♪ so here's one from the heart my life right from the start ♪

♪ i need a home sweet home to call my own ♪ ♪ a letter home and i know we don't speak much and we both know ♪ ♪ i'm not keen to but i think there's things i've left unsaid ♪ ♪ i'm okay don't worry i wish i'd been a better kid ♪ ♪ i'm trying to slow down i'm sorry for letting you down ♪ ♪ even though i'm on my own i know i'm not alone ♪ ♪ because i know there's someone somewhere ♪ praying that i make it home ♪ ♪ so here's one from the heart my life right from the start ♪ ♪ i need a home sweet home to call my own ♪

♪ you know it's just rock and roll i know you're by my side through it all ♪ my terror twin and i let's take over the world ♪ ♪ even though i'm on my own i know i'm not alone because i know ♪ ♪ there's someone somewhere praying that i make it home ♪ ♪ so here's one from the heart my life right from the start ♪ ♪ i need a home sweet home to call my own ♪ even though i'm on my own i know i'm not alone because i know ♪