>> dicky: up next on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: i don't know how it happened but somehow, around schwarzenegger had impregnated my maid. >> dicky: topher grace. >> sure to have a pass. it's pie face. >> dicky: adam car roll la. >> most downloaded podcasts in the world. >> dicky: and music from christina perri. >> jim n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n

n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n nmy

>> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with exciting news. "jimmy kimmel live" now has an app. that's right. just like a real show. here now with all the details, our spokesmodel, katie. hello, katie. [ applause ] how are you? >> good, how are you? >> jimmy: go ahead. >> we are pleased to -- you -- what was that? >> jimmy: yours is in blue. >> i'm pleased to introduce the "jimmy kimmel live" app. >> jimmy: and we are pleased to have you. tell us about some of the apps features. >> with the "jimmy kimmel live" app, you can watch video from the show anywhere on the go. >> jimmy: even like, in the tub? >> i mean, if it's waterproof. >> jimmy: even at the circus? >> i mean sure if you want

to -- what if you lose it on a roller coaster? >> jimmy: even if you're riding a unicorn in heaven? >> a unicorn. it would be hard to ride that and hold. >> jimmy: okay, back to the cue cards. >> and you can read all jimmy kimmel's hilarious personal tweets and best of all, it's free and available on the ipad, iphone and ipod touch. >> jimmy: how do we install the app? >> go to the itunes apple store, then type your name. then click the free -- >> jimmy: whose name? theirs or mine? >> yours. >> jimmy: oh. >> jimmy kimmel butduh. >> jimmy: wow, so easy even can i do it. thanks, katie. >> thanks. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" app. available exclusively at the apple app store. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with topher grace. adam carolla.

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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- topher grace. adam carolla. and music from christina perri. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" ♪ >> dicky: and now, most of all, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. i appreciate that thank you for watching at home. thank you for coming.

i'm glad you're here you know. it would be embarrassing to be up here talking to nobody right now. i got back from a trip to new york this morning, i'm a little bit tired. the world is going to end on like, i think saturday so i had to go say good-bye to my relatives. when i got home -- this is crazy. i don't know how it happened, but somehow, arnold schwarzenegger had impregnated my maid. what a story this is. we might not ever top this. this could be it for our lifetime, this could be the best story ever. yesterday, arnold schwarzenegger admitted to fathering what they call a love child with one of his housekeepers, which, i don't know that love child is an accurate -- i'd call it an oh crap child. [ laughter ] when the story came out, i was far away from the show i was in new york, which for me is like sleeping through christmas. so, i rushed back here. there had been rumors going around for years about a half austrian half mexican baby who could bench press a ford expedition, and -- the rumors

turned out to be true. my maid won't even iron my shirts. this is arnold's fifth child. this, which must be why he's always lighting cigars. needless to say, it's a big story, especially here in california, where our emergency reserve of funny nicknames is running low. >> from terminator to govenator to impreg nay or the to separator. >> he fathered a son with the family's housekeeper. classy guy. >> all about true lies. what a scum bag. >> schwarzenegger came clean about his real life true lies. >> he was dubbed the gropinator. >> the sperminator. >> got a little jingle all the way on the side, if you know what i mean. >> jimmy: i guess we know what you mean. [ applause ]

they forgot a lot of them. they forgot bonan the barbarian. today they revealed the housekeeper's identity. her name is mildred baena. on her myspace page she describes herself as a proud parent who is dating. and she is online looking for a date. we found her video thick from one of the video dating sites and, well, take a look. >> hi my name is mildred. and i'm looking for someone to start a relationship with. i like guys that smile a lot. and they're strong. very strong. with big muscles. and i like movie stars who are governors. that makes me very hot. if you're a movie star who is a governor with muscles in

california, i want to meet you. let's get it on. [ applause ] >> jimmy: very attractive look for you, fwar mow. >> thank you. >> jimmy: uncle frank, what do you make of this did the governor do the right thing? >> i'm not sure but he should have signed a contract before he got married. that he wouldn't do what he did. >> jimmy: yeah. i think he probably did, i mean isn't that? oh, you're saying in writing. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that would have been better. this is the actual mildred, and well, she is a mildred. >> we now know the name of the woman of arnold schwarzenegger's former mistress. she's 50-year-old mildred baena. better known as patty. >> jimmy: all right, not exactly j.lo in "maid in manhattan." whatever they call her, she had the baby five days after maria

shriver had her son, so -- that means they were pregnant at the same time in the same house. i just can't believe no one knew this was arnold's son. when he came out of the womb and snapped his own umbilical cord you think that would be a sign. i mostly feel bad for this kid who now has to learn how to spell the last name schwarzenegger. the identity of the child has yet to be revealed but it is about to be. for privacy reasons, we've blurred out his face but right now, this is a world exclusive, joining us live via satellite, please welcome the newest member of the schwarzenegger family tree. hello, arnold schwarzenegger's maid baby. >> hello, mr. kimmel. hello. >> jimmy: hello, maid baby. how are you? >> hello, mr. kimmel, i'm good. >> jimmy: we're having trouble hearing you, but please, go ahead, call me jimmy. >> okay mr. jimmy. >> jimmy: we're not really hearing you well but i wanted

to ask were you surprised to learn that your father is arnold swardz schwarzenegger. >> yes, i was extremely surprised. >> jimmy: and you have spoken to your father since the news broke? >> yes. he called me right away before he announced it. >> jimmy: really. and what did he say to you? >> he said it not a tumor! >> jimmy: he did. okay. it's not a tumor? >> yes. >> jimmy: and what did he mean by that? >> that it's not a tumor. you know? >> jimmy: okay. what else did he say to you? >> he said i like you. >> jimmy: that's nice. >> and that's why i'm going to kill you last. >> jimmy: well -- that's a strange thing to say to your child. >> and then he said hasta la vi vista, baby. and then he said, i'll be back. >> jimmy: can i ask what your name is? >> my name is bennett. >> jimmy: he named you bennett?

>> bennett! >> jimmy: well thank you. >> you're welcome. it's bennett. >> jimmy: you know what he's experiencing some anger issues right now. totally understandable. it's very common. [ applause ] we got a dwarf and adam carolla. it's like the old days. maria shriver, by the way, had dinner with oprah on monday night. so, arnold is in a lot of trouble. if i was him, i'd start looking into fortified come boundpounds in abbottabad right now. i don't know what it is about politicians. it's important to member that not all politicians behave like this. the bad ones get all the headlines but there are plenty of honest, faithful politicians. and i thought it would be nice to do a story on them for a change. this one goes out to the good

guys. [ applause ] >> jimmy: good job, you three, and -- last night on "dancing with the stars," it was elimination night. ralph macchio got the boot. i knew judge bruno was a member of the cobra kai. poor ralph. he will always be the karat tee kid. it will never stop. when he dies they're going to say, they're going to write, he karat tee kicked the bucket today. now that macchio is out of the picture, the finalists include my preseason pick to win it all, hines ward of the pittsburgh steelers. i bet $1,000 on him to win and it's looking good. he got a perfect 60 this week. but i'm not taking any chances. i need this money to buy things.

i've invested some of my potential earnings in an ad that i think is going to help narrow down the field. >> kirstie alley. you know her from "cheers." "cheers" was a place for drunks. you also know kirstie from oprah. where she took off her clothes. kirstie alley. drunk. naked. and foul-mouthed. say no to kirstie alley. >> paid for my jimmy kimmel with a serious gambling problem. >> jimmy: and kirstie alley isn't the only one i'm worried about. this chelsea kane is like a professional dancer. so i put this together for her, too. >> chelsea kane. who is [ bleep ] is chelsea kane? paid for my jimmy kimmel has a serious gambling problem. >> jimmy: i think i made some

good points. "american idol" is down to three contestants, too. haley, lauren and scottie. that show i didn't bet on. but after the way the program started, it's surprising that two of the three finalists are women. that's the way judge steven tyler likes it. and with that said it's time for another installment of steven tyler's creepy leer of the night. >> check out the top 11 this summer. by popular command, we've added more dates in new jersey and new york. tickets for these shows go on sale friday at 10:00 a.m. other tickets are on sale right now, so get yours before they sell out. american americanidol.com. >> jimmy: it's getting creepier. [ applause ] you'd think it would wane, but no. as i'm sure you know we're about to plummet into a dark time of depression in national mourning. there are only five oprah winfrey shows left. guillermo, open one of the doors

of the oprah advent calendar, will you? all right. there you go. that's number five. or number cinco. there's oprah, and -- you have a little -- oprah chocolate. [ applause ] this is -- you understand this is not a drill, people. we are at def-con oprah right now. someone really should be throwing stedman a bachelor party this week, you know? they actually taped a big farewell show yesterday at the united center in chicago in front of 13,000 fans. she had some celebrity guest list. michael jordan tom hanks, madonna, tom cruise, jerry seinfeld, diane sawyer, jesus showed up. and, of course, the biggest name of all, dr. phil. >> this is so out of her comfort zone, you have no idea. if you ever watched the pattern of her shows, it is always about the other person. she is so selfless in the way

she does her show. this is hard for her to be the center of attention. it's hard for her to accept all of this. >> jimmy: he's right. if oprah had a magazine she wouldn't name it after herself and be on the cover of it every month. she just isn't like that. [ applause ] i will miss oprah, though. i have to say. she's -- some how she's become a big part of my life. to honor her, we've collected some of her greatest moments from her 25 years on the air. and combined the audio from those classic oprah moments with video from classic cartoons to make them super classics. here now is the legendary moment when oprah bailed out the auto industry by giving everyone in her audience a car, combined with "the transformers." enjoy. >> okay, now, here's the deal. listen carefully. cue the drum roll. all right -- one, two, three -- you get a car. you get a car. you get a car.

you get a car. you get a car. you get a car. everybody gets a car! everybody gets a car! [ applause ] >> jimmy: her generosity truly is transformative. hey, we have a good show for you tonight. adam carolla is here. we have music from christina perri and we'll be right back with topher grace, so stick around. ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] every day, thousands of people are switching from tylenol to advil. take action. take advil. save on advil with our special coupon in select newspapers on may 22. anncr: one day wonder! odwb: come on, come on, hey! girls: f-l-i-p

odwb: flip flops for everyone, one buck! girls: those toes so pretty. girls: f-l-o-p anncr: saturday only, at old navy! [ male announcer ] the iphone 3gs from at&t. the phone that changed everything. but think about it. how can you make one of the most amazing phones the world has ever seen even more amazing? make it $49. yep. that'll work. the iphone 3gs. now at a price that changes everything, too. in the network, amazing is affordable. at&t. rethink possible. oh babe, check this out. hey come on... you want a little chippy? ♪ ♪ you want a dorito? are you hungry? come on and get a dorito. babe don't hurt my dog. ♪ ♪ come on get a chip. come on get a chip. get a chip.

come on. here he comes here he comes. oooohhh. uhhh. [ chip crunching ] [ mumbling ] hey... that's my doritos!

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>> jimmy: well hello there. we are back. thank you for rejoining us as we say. we have a good show for you tonight.

a gentleman named adam carolla will join us on the show tonight. he's -- and by the way, you can see him live this saturday night at the wiltern theater here in los angeles with special guest star me. yes, that's right. i don't know what we're doing, but -- we're going to do something. and i'm sure it will be great. and then with music from this new album, it's kwauled "love strong." christina perri from the bud light stage. tomorrow night maybe the strangest line up in the history of television. albert brooks will be here. great. chaz bono will be here. great. and we'll have music from heavy metal gods of fire rammstein. the singer in rammstein has an electric light built into his mouth. it's very convenient when you're reading at night. so -- for nothing else tune in to see a man with a light in his mouth. you know our first guest from "that 70s show,"

"ocean's 11," "spider-man 3" and many other films and tv shows without numbers in the title. starting monday, you can see him as part of an all-star cast in the new docu-drama film "too big to fail." it premieres may 23rd on hbo. please welcome topher grace. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good to see you. >> i've never been here. >> jimmy: you haven't. but we happened to meet on sunday in new york city of all places at a musical. >> i was so sorry to interrupt your date. >> jimmy: i was there with another man, but -- [ laughter ] i was there with joel mchale, actually. >> that's right. the minute -- you have that thing where the minute you walk up to someone on a date you go -- i'm totally blocking what's an amazing situation here.

i'm still sorry. you guys got back on track. i saw you were having a lovely time. >> jimmy: it was an enchanting evening. did you like the musical? >> it was great. "book of mormon." >> jimmy: hilarious. we laughed and laughed and laughed. >> i'm a huge fan of this show. i watch it all the time. i've never been on it. >> jimmy: well, it's great to have you here. >> and i'm a big fan of "the man show." i can't believe i'm here with adam. >> jimmy: all your dreams are coming true -- >> and that's my biological father. >> jimmy: is that right, cleto? >> i love you, dad. >> jimmy: what a remarkable evening. do you live here or in new york? >> i grew up in new york. in connecticut, outside of new york. going to new york a lot. okay, i've said too many things ss that people are applauding for. and today, i was working on a science project and i cured cancer. [ applause ] >> jimmy: wow. >> thank you. >> jimmy: that's -- that would be the first thing i brought up. >> right.

>> jimmy: and is your family in new york still? >> yes but my sister just moved out to l.a. >> jimmy: younger? >> yeah. great to have her out here. >> jimmy: is that fun? >> it's great. we actually just went out to dinner, i mean we're like buddies. we're old enough that we're not fighting like we did when we were kids. >> jimmy: that would be weird if you did. >> yeah it would be. i'm older and -- >> jimmy: pulling her hair. >> yeah. we went to this restaurant and we had kind of a -- we were reminiscing and we thought of this thing that's a true story which is -- when i was, i mean i must have been in sixth grade, that means my sister was in third grade. and my parents had just thrown out our refrigerator and bought a new one. so i took the refrigerator box -- just show how crazy i was as a kid. i took the box up into my room and put the sips all over the doors in my room saying please do not come in i'm working, you know, work in progress.

my parents were happy that i wasn't running around the house. i would hit the garbage pail in my bedroom and finally my sister came up to me at dinner and said what's going on in there? and i said i can't tell you. and she said why not? i said, because, i'll get in trouble with the government. [ laughter ] and i finally said okay i'll tell you but you can't tell mom and dad and you can't tell the president. i'm building a time machine. and he said that doesn't exist. and i said good yeah ya no it doesn't exist. so i went back into my room and kept making noise and finally she kind of snuck in and i said no, now you've seen it and i laid the refrigerator box kind of on its side on the floor so a kid could kroul into it and one of the flaps like got lifted by a string and on the inside i put a sleeping bag and all of these clocks.

because that's what a time machine looks like. >> jimmy: collected clocks from the house? >> yeah, digital clocks and not digital clocks. put them all up on the inside. i put, like fruit roll-ups and, you know one of those, the tape, what do you call them -- >> jimmy: walkman? >> yeah. i don't even remember. there used to be this thing called audio tapes -- >> jimmy: get in the time machine to see them. >> i said, are you ready, you know you can be my guinea pig. she said, no i'm scared. so i said, okay i'll go, i'll go. she was about to leave. i said no i'll time travel first. so, i went in and i got immediately out and i said, how long have i been gone? she said, no, you weren't, you went right in there. i said of course because i set the time machine to arrive right when i had left. it makes perfect sense. i went back about two years. i saw nick dark anglo, this kid

that moved away in our hometown. it was incredible. it's totally safe. just listen to like "manic monday" or whatever i had on the cassette tape. for about 20 minutes, i'm going to set this clock timer. when that goes off, come out of the machine. there was a little crystal -- my mom had crystals so i had, there was a hole that was like the key, you put a crystal in. so, she went in the time machine and i rearranged as she was doing that over that period of 20 minute i rearanged everything in my room to what it looked like about 20 years before. about two years before. and then i got in my p.j.s for no reason. and then she finally came out of it and i went like jenny, you've gotten so big! nick dark anglo was just over here today. incredible. what's the future like. and she didn't say a word, she was just like -- scared and

finally, i said, okay go back into the time machine. go back to the future. so she went back crept back in and then i reset everything in my room and put on my clothes and she came out and i said but jenny, you didn't leave at all. she said no, i did, i saw you, we talked. and so the end of the story -- [ applause ] well, thank you. >> jimmy: that's very cute. the next day she said to her third grade teacher, like mrs. corker like does time travel exist? and mrs. corker said, no jenny, not yet. >> jimmy: oh mrs. corker. shame on you! >> exactly. and my sister goes, like -- >> jimmy: is your sister still dumb or has she grown out of it? >> my sister is the most beautiful, smartest ungullible

person -- >> jimmy: maybe not the most but -- >> no, the most. >> jimmy: the most? well, you taught her the hard way. >> she learned that lesson the hard way. >> and weirdly, you then spent most of the '90s in the '70s. so, in a way, you did find a time machine. >> i'm not about acting. i'm all about literal time travel. >> jimmy: speaking of this movie, it looks like first of all, some cast that you're apart of there. >> yeah. >> jimmy: tell people who's in it with you. >> well, this is a movie that curtis hansen directed -- >> jimmy: it is a really movie or another one of your tricks? >> it's just a trick. i got william hurt and paul giamatti and james woods to all be in on a prank to come on your show and tell you, there's no movie, jimmy! >> jimmy: and you even went to the lengths of making a fake clip for us. >> yep. and here's a fake clip that we shot together and academy award winner william hurt did just to play a prank on you.

>> jimmy: do you need to set this up? >> i play paulson, which is what william hurt plays hank paulson, i play his chief of staff, jim wilkinson. >> jimmy: real people. >> yeah deeming with the financial crisis and i'm kind of, we're trying to figure out if we should bail out aig or not. >> jimmy: and the movie is called "too big to fail." premieres may 23rd on hbo. >> thinking of taking over 80% of the company. >> hank, we can't. this morning we were lecturing the entire country on -- >> aig has collateral. they have assets. lehman didn't. couldn't let into a hole. it's not the same story. >> nobody's going to care. it's another bailout. with no legislation. the hill's going to go -- the country is going to go crazy. >> the plane that we flew in on this morning leased from aig. construction downtown aig. life insurance, 81 million

policies with a face value of $1.9 trillion. billions of dollars in teacher's pensions. you want too big to fail, here it is. >> jimmy: well, there you go. congratulations. that's awesome. it's been -- i mean, must be great for you because you're on a sitcom and you're kind of a kid actor -- was "that '70s show" the first thing -- >> yes the first pig thing i did. i did commercials when i was a kid. >> jimmy: you did? what sorts did you do? >> really embarrassing commercials that have not found their way onto youtube. >> jimmy: well, yeah that's interesting, because we did find a commercial that you are in as a kid. do you mind if i -- >> yes i do mind. >> jimmy: you do mind. >> i'm going to kill you. >> jimmy: all right, well let's take a look and maybe this will bring back some memories for you. time machine, if you will. ♪ turn the harndles hear them click ♪ ♪ you'll never know when you'll be hit ♪

♪ it's pie face ♪ ♪ ask your mom for some cream ♪ ♪ pile it high ♪ ♪ it's a scream ♪ ♪ it's pie face ♪ >> just loud the sponge. spin the spinner. turn the mystery handle and watch out! ♪ so much fun and such a hoot ♪ ♪ when you add some real fresh fruit ♪ ♪ pour on some tobasco sauce ♪ ♪ and you'll win at any cost ♪ ♪ if you want some extra fun ♪ ♪ load it with live scorpions ♪ it's pie face! live scorpions not included. ♪ add a fork and shards of glass.glass glass ♪ ♪ you'll be sure to have a blast ♪ ♪ single out your weakest friend ♪ ♪ and the fun will never end ♪ >> [ bleep ] that. >> pie face.

it's not for wussies. >> pie face. >> available at walgreens. >> jimmy: that's adorable. topher grace, everybody. "too big to fail" premieres may 23rd at 9:00 on hbo. we'll be right back with adam carolla. ♪ ♪ hey, dad think i could drive? i'll tell you what -- when we stop to fill it up. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ son ] you realize, it's gotta run out sometime. ♪ ♪

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' stina perri will be here. for a number of years at the beginning of this century, our next guest was the sonny to my cher. in fact, our son chaz will be

here tomorrow night. he is the author of this best-selling book called "in 50 years we'll all be chicks." he's the host of maybe the number one podcast in the world. and on saturday nigh i will join him live at the wiltern theater here in los angeles. please say hello to adam carolla. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you know what, i'm happy that you've finally got a new suit. you've been wearing the same suit on the show for, like nine years now and you look great. you really do. >> thank you. >> jimmy: why are you dressed like this? >> like what? well, two reasons. one, we got bin laden. so, i -- >> jimmy: right. [ applause ] >> it's a happy coincidence, jimmy, because i've been in this for three weeks, i'm starting to

stink. but the real reason is we are taking the number one most downloaded podcast record as read by ginness book as written in the book of guinness, and i am planning on setting that record tonight. >> jimmy: tonight? >> i'm taking it back to the united states. >> jimmy: what do you mean when you say you're taking it back for the united states? who currently has -- >> it's in communist england right now. >> jimmy: oh really? >> yeah, with a guy by the name of ricky gervais. he comes over here he gets drunk, he makes fun of our celebrities -- >> jimmy: that's true. >> and then he just rides home on a pegasus stuffed with cash. well, i'm going to dethrone that son of a bitch. that's right. where's my camera. i'm just saying this -- let me say -- >> jimmy: go ahead. >> ricky, how would you like it if we sent larry the cable guy over to england to make fun of dr. who?

it wouldn't feel very good. >> jimmy: you make very good points. >> very valid points. and by the way, you're almost 50. when can we call you rick? am i right, jim -- my? >> jimmy: you're right, uncle sam. all right, so, that's the idea. you're going to take the record from him. but how are you going to take it from him while you're here on this show? >> i have my people stationed in england. it's 8:45 approximately, over the pond and we should hear in a matter of moments. >> jimmy: so you have looked at the figures. and this is for real. >> this is going in the guinness book of world records. >> jimmy: and that's over in london. we should take that from them too. >> yes. and give them our little known book of world records that nobody -- the fat man's 189 pounds. >> jimmy: okay, so how's the family, by the way.

i know your daughter had her tonsils taken out today? >> yeah removed this morning. got up at 5:30 over to children's hospital. had those removed. i got to be with her when she came to, when she came to and she woke up she's going to make a horrible drunk, by the way, because i was -- she was screaming at me, i was wrestling with her and i was just -- she's 5 now but just fast forwarding about 12 years when somebody is yelling, give me the keys! punch a hole in you, dude. you think you're a big man because you got pepper spray and a badge. bring it! that's basically what was happening. >> jimmy: i have a photograph here. i know you had an incident at your house. tell us what's going on here. >> ah already let's see. oh, that's -- is that the snake? >> jimmy: it looks like one. >> we've been catching snakes around the property. that was a fireman who came over

to catch the snake. >> jimmy: why did the fireman come over to catch the snake? >> i don't know. but that sounds like a great kid's book. let's find out. >> jimmy: or an adult film. i don't know. >> because -- [ applause ] that's a good point, yeah. i'd watch that. >> jimmy: it's long but it looks skinny. >> yeah, it was skinny. but the problem is we've had a rash of snakes and, by the way, rattlesnakes and then snakes that disguise himself as rattlesnakes which is one of those weird nature things in nature if you're not a venom mouse snake, it's good to look like it because other animals won't screw that around to you. but tell that to the fireman with the shovel. that just looks like a rattler to him. last thing is going i'm not a rattle -- ah. >> jimmy: by the way, why did the fireman -- is this part of their job, coming out to kill snakes? >> you know, i feel like those guys are versatile. they're like the swiss army knife of city employees.

cat in a tree i'm on fire my heart stops, i got a snake, you know, i'm trapped in my car, like, what can't they do? >> jimmy: and how do you get them? do you dial 911 to get them to come? >> i have my own special number jimmy, i'm uncle sam. i dial 912 and they converge on the house. no, we -- actually my dog molly was bit by rattlesnake -- oh -- >> jimmy: oh adam. we have some exciting news. adam adam? >> jimmy: wow. adam, we -- we asked the representatives from the guinness book to come down here and respect the award. but they declined. instead, we got a girl in a bikini. >> i am here to award the adam car roll low show with the

guinness record for most downloaded podcast in the world. >> jimmy: congratulations. >> thank you. >> jimmy: congratulations. and this is a real award. >> this is it. >> jimmy: let's take a quick break. adam carolla. we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] just how irresistible is new kellogg's crunchy nut? you won't want to wait 'til morning to eat it. ♪ ♪ [ beep ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ the perfect blend of sweet and nutty in every irresistible bite. new kellogg's crunchy nut. go ahead it's morning somewhere. [ horns honking ] ♪ i belong ♪ ♪ to all that i've been through

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>> jimmy: we're back. adam carolla is with us. you've been going around the country doing standup comedy. do you enjoy doing that? >> yeah. and talking to kids. you know. for money. which is the part almost everyone leaves out, you know.

yeah, we're going to be at the wiltern this saturday. >> jimmy: what are we going to do? >> we're going to make -- >> jimmy: that's a very big this herety. >> i know. it's hold and historic and i've lived here my entire life and i just put together it's called the wiltern because it's on the corner of will shire and western. that's the biggest copout of a name i've heard in my life. someone goes hey, i'll meet you at the staples center. where that'sis that? on staples street. i started thinking again, horrible, horrible name. what if the wil the person instead of being on wile shire and western was on pico and venice? it would be known as the penis theater. rules are rules. >> jimmy: seems like the more appropriate venue. we should buy some real estate and erect that.

erect the penis theater. >> down the street by the way, from the wiltern on will shire is the tar pits the second-worst named thing on will shire. how [ bleep ] have to be when you're naming a place? let's see. well, where are we? well, we're off of labraya. what do we have here? a pit filled with tar. have you an idea? how about we call it the labraya tar pits? awesome. >> jimmy: seems like tar pits would be sufficient. >> it should be called pit of wonderment or hole of amazement. >> jimmy: well, it's not a whole lot of fun when you get there, though. i'll say that. this show, now, i do have a surprise for you at the show. i'm not going to tell you what it is because i was thinking about what we're going to do. i have something that one of my surprises for you.

>> you know jimmy, when you said i have a surprise for you, that covered the part i'm not going to tell you what it is. just so you know. when people go i'm engaged. to be married. well, now -- that's -- that's a totally different situation now. i got to completely recalibrate my mind. >> jimmy: if you want to see us live at the wiltern, saturday night, adam carolla. his iitunes is

>> jimmy: hey, now. this is her new album. it's called "lovestrong." here with the song "arms," christina perri. ♪ i never thought that you would be the one to hold my heart but you came around ♪ ♪ and you knocked me off the ground from the start you put your arms around me ♪ ♪ and i believe that it's easier for you to let

me go you put your arms around me and i'm home ♪ ♪ how many times will you let you me change my mind and turn around i can't decide if i'll let you ♪ ♪ save my life or if i'll drown i hope that you see right through my walls ♪ ♪ i hope that you catch me 'cause i'm already falling i'll never let our love get so close ♪ ♪ you put your arms around me and i'm home

♪ the world is coming down on me ♪ ♪ and i can't find a reason to be loved i never want to leave you but i can't make you bleed ♪ ♪ if i'm alone ♪ i hope that you see right through my walls i hope that you catch me 'cause i'm already falling ♪ ♪ i'll never let our love get so close you put your arms around me and i'm home ♪ ♪ home ♪