details of his anticipated release of riker's jail. we're always online at abcnews.com. we will see you here tomorrow. >> dicky: tonight on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: all that time together, the only three words of spanish arnold learned with hasta, la and vitas. >> dicky: albert brooks. >> i dare you. >> dicky: chaz bono. >> jimmy: i recommend the penis highly. >> dicky: and music from rammstein. >> jimmy: n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n

n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n

>> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with a word about the 2011 jeep >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with a word about the 2011 jeep compass -- the evolution of a legendary bloodline. genetically engineered with jeep four by four capeability and iconic beauty, but with a size shape and red-blooded attitude all its own. sometimes, i wish i'd been born into the jeep family. but i come from a strong bloodline, too. my family is dependable. dependably nuts. take my uncle frank and aunt chippy. for five decades, their relationship hasn't changed one bit. >> frank, do you have any idea which way you're heading. >> queen quiet. i'm going to hit 62nd street go across town to take the east river drive to the brooklyn battery tunnel. >> you don't know where you're going. you are just mentioning names.

>> we have to go down the west side highway. >> you don't know the west side from the east side. get us to the brooklyn bridge. >> why not the brooklyn battery tunnel? >> no sense of direction at all if we don't get a freaking come pass i'm never getting in this car again. >> you know what we're going to do, we're going to take the subway. >> look, chip. i finally got a come pass. a keep come pass. wow. >> it's gorgeous. but you're still a moron. now, how to we get to the beach? >> subway, what do you think? >> dicky: the new 2011 jeep compass. up to 29 miles per gallon highway and over 30 available safety and security features. see the bold new look of american style for yourself at jeep.com/compass. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with chaz bono, music from rammstein and albert brooks. o mud. to others, an obstacle. but when you're genetically engineered

with jeep 4x4 capability and iconic beauty, it's more like a mud bath at the spa. ♪ ♪ the 2011 jeep compass. the evolution of a legendary bloodline. well-qualified lessees can get a 2011 jeep compass sport 4x2 for $239 a month. [ male announcer ] at p.f. chang's we don't just make dinner. we make it sizzle and snap. and now so can you. ♪ ♪ ignite the night with p.f. chang's home menu. the boldest flavors in the freezer aisle.

[ woman ] jogging stroller. you've been stuck in the garage while i took refuge from the pollen that made me sneeze. but with 24-hour zyrtec®, i get prescription strength relief from my worst allergy symptoms. so lily and i are back on the road again. with zyrtec® i can love the air®. [ indistinct conversations ] [ buzzes ] [ screaming ] [ all screaming ] [ silverware clatters ] aah! [ sighs ] got it. thanks, dave. [ male announcer ] the big, brilliant, thin samsung infuse 4g. only from the network of possibilities. at&t. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight --

albert brooks. chaz bono. and music from rammstein. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" ♪ >> dicky: and now, first and foremost foremost, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: gracias. i'm jimmy i'm the host of the show. i don't know if you saw, but outside our building today, one of the great singers, chaka khan got a star on the hollywood walk of fame. that's a very big deal.

she should get four stars. that way, while you walk, you can say, chaka khan chaka khan. right? we have quite a lineup for you tonight. who is here to say albert brooks, who is here to see rammstein and who is here to see chaz bono? really, a lot of crossover. we will definitely make a love connection in this audience tonight. speaking of love connections, the saga of arnold schwarzenegger and the maid continues to dominate the news here in california. as you probably know, on tuesday, arnold admitted to having fathered a child with a member of his housekeeping staff. specifically, this member of his housekeeping staff. there they are dancing. same thing i do with my maid, all the time. tmz got ahold of that picture and this one, too. i guess -- i hope it was halloween, but -- that's a pirate named mildred.

arnold and mildred. sounds like an old jewish couple. but they're not. here's the happy couple posing during christmas time. jingling all the way as arnold has been known to do. feliz navi-dad. that's not the mystery kid, though. that is arnold's son with maria. tmz has a number of pictures of them taken over many years. all that time together the only three words of spanish arnold learned were hasta, la and vista. you no e, since schwarzenegger left office, he's been working on an animated show. a cartoon about himself which -- what's the point of a cartoon arnold schwarzenegger? how much more of a cartoon can he be? the original pitch for the show was arnold leads a double life so secret that even his wife maria and kinds are unaware. it's based on a true story. but now that his double life isn't so secret anymore, the

producers have changed it up. this is the new version of the trailer. it's trailer for the cartoon, updated to incorporate the unexpected events of this week. >> and i take full responsibility for making a little love child with the cleaning lady. and, for that, i am truly sorry. >> arnold why didn't you use protection? >> i did, larry. i used a condom some duct tape a latex glove and i hate one, two, three birth control pills. but my sperm are superpowered. latex cannot contain them. i am no longer the govenator. from now on my mission is to get on my motorcycle and drive around california getting everybody pregnant! i am the baby make-inator. [ applause ] >> jimmy: good stuff.

so i guess then a vasectomy is out of the question. the identity of arnold's child has not been released to the media. but never fear the media is parked outside the house as we speak looking to get a picture. you know, some people are worried what kind of affect all this would have on the child who has been described as a polite 13-year-old boy who regularly walked a white poodle named sugar around the neighborhood. but well at least we know he won't be knocking anyone up, right? needless to say, the -- the revelation that arnold fathered a child outside of his marriage has caused him a great deal of embarrassment. but the silver lining is somehow he's managed to parlay that into a terrific business opportunity. >> are you a powerful elected official and or a heavily accented movie star who fathered a baby out of wedlock? then you need the hasta la vista baby.

made of 100% american cardboard, it's so simple to use. just lift the patented flaps and place your baby inside. its its sturdy instruction keeps your little bundle of oops securely packaged. just drop it much at one of our more 3,700 dropoff locations in the country. hasta la vista baby. three easy payments of $29.99 plus shipping and handling. call now. [ applause ] >> jimmy: tonight on "american idol," it was elimination night. we are now down to two, after haley got the boot. which was surprising. i think she was probably the best singer of the group. on the bright side she made it through the whole season without getting felt up by steven tyler.

sad to get so close to the final only to get cut the week before but it doesn't really matters. who remembers who won last year? do you know who won last year? "american idol" is idols in the same way american cheese is cheese. 50 cent performed on the show tonight. and not one person got shot. he's slipping a little. this is pretty good. you remember that youtube video where the scientist dropped the mentos in the bottle of diet coke? well, here is how that experiment goes by conducted by a nonscientific professional. that's the guy i was talking about. he's inserted it into the bottle. okay, now he's going to try to -- whoa! [ applause ] i mean if he did that ten times, maybe four times, right? could we see the end of that one

more time. look out! forget thor, that's why they invented 3d, for that video right there. the cameraman was literally blinded by science. [ laughter ] have you guyed heard what's happening on saturday? the world is ending on saturday. that's right. according to radio broadcaster named harrold camping, this saturday, may 21st is judgment day. we will be judged by randy and j.lo and then on sunday everyone votes and whoever, i guess -- i don't know i guess we go to hell, i don't know. i have to say, it would really suck if we only got to live three weeks longer than bin laden. wouldn't it? for everyone except arnold schwarzenegger. [ applause ] so -- make sure to wry all this down. the apocalypse starts saturday. a new season of "the bachelorette" starts monday. it's time for the countdown,

guillermo. you ready? >> yes. >> jimmy: here we go. there are only four oprah winfrey shows left. and, guillermo has -- go ahead, guillermo. there you go all right. four oprah shows left. apparent ly apparently stedman finally laid down the law and said woman, i want dinner on the table when i get home. it's very sad. it's probably the saddest thing that's ever happened. i have good news for you. i just got off the phone with oprah about an hour ago. i told her we needed her and guess what? she's not leaving! oprah is staying on the air! oprah isn't going anywhere! oprah's here to stay forever!

no, she's leaving. she's definitely leaving. she's definitely leaving. i'm sorry. but know what helps if you are feeling sad? ice cream. lots and lots of ice cream. [ laughter ] right? oprah's final show airs next wednesday, may 25th. honestly, i don't know how i'll go on. how do i know what books to read? who will tell me what mango facial scrub to use? how will i know what brand of bra will give me the greatest sense of empowerment as a woman? the truth is oprah will never leave us. she will appear when we need her most. forbes just released their list of the most howerful celebrities. this year, oprah was beaten by lady gaga. put those two in a cage match, i guarantee oprah comes out the most powerful celebrity.

this week, to honor oprah, we are doing something very special. we've taken the audio from some of the great moments of the oprah show and combined it with video from cartoons. tonight, we matched up oprah's interview with mike tyson with video from "the hulk." take a look. >> tell us what happened during the holyfield fight. >> i was just mad at him. >> did you ever feel remorse for it? >> i apologized to him. >> when you apologized did you feel the apology? >> no, i did not, no. it wasn't sincere. >> so, you used the word god because you thought of yourself as a god. >> i think subconsciously i'm a peacock. >> jimmy: that's back when oprah wore a cape. [ applause ] and by the way that's what a peacock looks like when you expose it to gamma rays. it's humbling to see this

worldwide outpouring of love for oprah. makes me wonder how people would react if i were to leave my show. so -- we sent a camera crew to the farmer's market here in l.a. to talk to people about oprah's departure and while we were at it, to take their temperature about mine too. enjoy. >> i'm going to miss oprah i grew up watching oprah. my mom did. >> i make dinner watching oprah every day. i don't know what i'm going to do at 4:00. >> anything that oprah does and she does it herself, just turns out to be miraculous. >> it makes me very sad that she's leaving. >> she's done so much for children. so much for women. >> she's been phenomenal. she's been inspiration to me and a lot of people i know. >> she's a role model to so many. i just hate to see her go. >> it's the end of an institution, really. >> and how do you feel about "jimmy kimmel live" coming to an end? >> i don't know who jimmy kimmel is. >> come on. he doesn't. he's a mental light weight. >> never heard of him. >> i never watched the show. >> i've seen him from time to

time. it not my favorite. >> i don't know much about jimmy kimmel. >> if he goes it's okay with me. i really don't watch his show. >> we like piers morgan. >> i was going to say, we like piers morgan. >> who is jimmy kimmel? >> jimmy: you know what, that makes me feel good to know that -- [ applause ] we have a good show for you tonight. chaz bono is here on the show tonight. we have music from rammstein. and we'll be right back with albert brooks, so stick around. [ male announcer ] at cheez-it, we expect a lot from our cheese. hello. hello. how are you? how are you? are you mocking me? are you mocking me? [ both ] well it sounded like you were... now that you're repeating... everything...that i say. ok. ok. [ both ] we made some progress yesterday.

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y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y

y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y >> jimmy: well, hello, welcome back. tonight on the show we have two

authors on the show. first, the author of this book called "transition: the story of how i became a man." chaz bono is here. chaz bono is here. we're gonna arm wrestle and then, after that, an enormously popular band from germany. this is their latest album. "liebe ist für alle da" - which means either "love is for everyone" or "i'm going to kill you with an axe." rammstein from the bud light outdoor stage. the lead singer has a light implanted in his mouth. when he opens his mouth, there's light. tomorrow we'll be joined by khloe kardashian. she also has a light implanted in her mouth. we have music from scott weiland and a science demonstration from our tv friend science bob pflugfelder. so please join us for that. our first guest tonight is one of the funniest men in the world. he is an academy award-nominated actor, director and screenwriter and one of very few people who can say they co-starred in "taxi driver" and "finding nemo." this is his first book.

it is a good one, too. a novel called "2030: the real story of what happens to america." please welcome albert brooks. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's -- well first of all welcome. and thanks for the memories that's bob hope's -- >> the day after he died i stole that. >> jimmy: really? >> actually i was in negotiations when he was still alive but he didn't know it. it's too good to let go. >> jimmy: thank you for coming. great to have you here. >> i want to tell the audience something. the reason i'm here -- >> jimmy: oh. >> he wrote me a note and i -- i'm not going to read it because it was private, but he wrote me

the nicest note and, you know asking me to come and all of that and i'll tell you something, it's what did the trick. also, in the envelope was this white powder -- >> jimmy: yeah. >> i need more. i need more of that. >> jimmy: you need more of that? you liked it. >> yeah, please. >> jimmy: uncle frank? uncle frank gets it for me. >> i didn't know what it was. i wrote another book, i painted my house. please. i'm -- >> jimmy: very productive. well, pleasure to have you. i always wanted to have you on the show. when i saw you had a book i thought this could be the chance. by the way, i want to thank you, also, because on twitter -- i have it written down here. you tweeted "getting ready to do jimmy kimmel tonight. watching his old shows to make sure which one he is." thank you. thank you very much. that's -- did you figure it out because i haven't yet. >> by the way, you at least --

you have the courtesy to follow me. >> jimmy: i do. >> at albert brooks. and some of the other hosts who wrote the notes -- i think the notes are hallmark. they are all the same. but they didn't have the powder. but some of the other hosts, they don't follow -- now, if you don't follow you on -- if you don't follow me -- >> jimmy: you have to follow. i follow you, i told everyone to follow you and some of those people listened and actually are following you. >> jimmy: do you do your own tweets? >> yeah, i do. >> jimmy: you do your own, don't you? >> please. what do you think, i'm an indian person? >> jimmy: maybe. you have a call center there at your house? >> how do you spell "jew"? >> jimmy: first of all, let's talk about this transformation from woman to man. oh, wait a minute. i have the wrong card here. hold on. [ laughter ] i want to ask you -- because i know we -- [ applause ] we started out some what similar

lairly. >> get all the jokes out before he comes out here. you can get them out on me i don't mind. >> jimmy: there will be some when he gets out here, too. >> okay, okay. >> jimmy: i thought this was interesting. that you started kind of performing at school, in your high school. >> yeah. early on i -- when i could get a chance to get a microphone. i grew up here in los angeles. and it's funny how, in my lifetime you know -- hollywood, you didn't want to go into when i was a kid. >> jimmy: our area here? >> yeah, the kodak people weren't going to come there yet. where your theater is right now was -- it's like nostalgic for me. it was my first prostitute. >> jimmy: is that right? wow. and see -- [ applause ] >> jimmy: probably still out there. >> that's right. and it's funny, you're clapping and she, well -- anyway. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is that really true? >> yes.

>> jimmy: wow. that's fantastic. >> yeah when -- we -- a lot of my friends and i, in our teen years, pullooled our money to try to lose our virginity, just quickly. >> jimmy: and do you feel that helped you get over the hump, or whatever, however you want to say it -- once you knew what it was, do you feel like you knew -- >> no, i'll tell you what it did. it trained me for the bull in hollywood. she told me i was great and i believed her. >> jimmy: did this take place in the car or did -- >> it took place where you are sitting. >> jimmy: in this seat? that's unbelievable! >> no, it wasn't in a car. there were apartments where people could go. it was more legal then. >> jimmy: yeah. well -- [ laughter ] it's still pretty rough around here. and i bet you she's still walking the streets calling your name. >> oh, god. >> jimmy: she might be dressed as a super hero now. >> let's hope i don't have a kid. >> jimmy: i'm really enjoying

the book, and -- yeah well. you have -- how old are your kids? i have a 12 1/2-year-old son and a daughter who is 11 and it's the best thing that ever happened. >> jimmy: does the boy know about this story of your deflowering? you're not going to send him over here. >> what do you think i tell him prostitute stories? >> jimmy: well, i don't know. >> i ran the white powder joke by him, though. my daughter -- there is something in the milk or it's the plastic, because she's 11 and she could go to a bar by herself now and get in. it's frightening. it's scary to me. and it happened so quickly because she was like you know so cuddly and always a snuggle at bedtime, i swear to god, two nights ago, she's reading in bed and i said honey do you want to snuggle and she say ss to me,

"i'm good." >> jimmy: i'm good? >> that's what i'm going to say when they ask me for a car. >> jimmy: not a bad idea. would you consider yourself an anxious person? do you worry about things? >> did you read the book? >> jimmy: i don't know if it's coming from you or if it's just -- >> an act? >> jimmy: exactly. because i am like that myself. and i worry -- >> let me ask you a question have you ever met anyone who is really anxious that it is an act? why would you act that way? >> jimmy: some people do up the ante, i guess, and sometimes i think comedians will roe mant size that kind of thing. >> roe mant size that there's doom coming. that's what i love to do. >> jimmy: you know how -- >> i would love to have a beer and said "come on death! come on, baby i dare you!" >> jimmy: the way you can tell if somebody's really anxious is the way they say the word doom and the way you said it means you're really worried about doom.

>> listen, i -- if there's any advantage to getting older, and there's none don't believe the wisdom crap. >> jimmy: is that right? >> oh, jimmy, i give up 12 i.q. points to be able to walk up a stairs without hurting. [ applause ] you know, i -- i really carry a notebook where i used to write jokes. i just wry down all my activities so i know -- oh i waved edd good-bye that's what it is. anyway, what i'm saying is that if there's anything about getting older, it's that the doom part diminishes a little bit. >> jimmy: does it? >> what are you going to do? you get tired of worrying about it. >> jimmy: the overall theme, i think, of this book is something i think about almost every time i do a charity event and they are looking to cure this disease or that disease, and i think, well what if they do cure all these diseases and

then what's going to happen? i mean if nobody dies -- >> i'll tell you what's going to happen. you won't want to go near the 405. you think it's crowded now -- you wait until you see 40 million people cured. >> jimmy: when we come back we're going to look into the future with albert brooks. the new book is called "2030: the real story of what happens to america." we'll be right back. [ female announcer ] what's the secret to the start of a great day? aveeno daily moisturizing lotion. with active naturals oats, it's proven to moisturize for 24 hours. for healthy beautiful

skin... and a better day. choose america's #1 daily lotion, only from aveeno. ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] with greasy fast food, what are you really getting? lighten up with a subway orchard chicken salad sub, a refreshingly delicious part of a subway fresh fit meal. subway. eat fresh. if you don't have an iphone, you don't have ibooks. so you don't have your favorite books in your pocket. and you don't have the ibookstore an entire bookstore in your pocket. so whether you're looking for a certain author or a new york times bestseller a good book is just a tap away. yup. if you don't have an iphone, well, you don't have an iphone. i was driving in northern california. my son was asleep. i really didn't see it coming. i didn't realize i was drifting into the other lane. [ kim ] i was literally falling asleep at the wheel. it got my attention,

telling me that i wasn't paying attention. i had no idea the guy in front of me had stopped short. but my car did. -my car did. -thankfully, my mercedes did. [ male announcer ] a world you can't predict... demands a car you can trust. the e-class. see your authorized mercedes-benz dealer for exceptional offers through mercedes-benz financial services.

ammstein are on the way. congratulations, by the way. the book on "the new york times" best seller list which is quite an accomplishment. it a novel. >> that's right. >> jimmy: that's a lot harder? >> for fiction it's very hard. those are the airport books, you know? all the books -- i was going to -- it's a little easier if you write a memoir but when you have to compete with "the girl with the dragon tattoo" which is part of the band that's coming out. when you have to -- it's very hard. i wanted to change the title to "the navy s.e.a.l. diet" but they -- just to help sell it. >> jimmy: speaking of the navy s.e.a.l.s, some of the stuff -- when did you start writing this book? >> i started a year and a half ago. >> jimmy: some of the stuff that you wrote has already kind of come true. >> well, one of the things and,

i mean there's humor in the book. it's not a doom and gloom book because we're still here and to me that's you know i don't really like the armageddon stories where denzel washington's the only one left and he's got a torn jacket and he's eating a bird. that's not my favorite -- that's not my favorite story. i think this is hopeful in a way. but one of the things that happens in the beginning of the book that sets the action is a 9.1 earthquake on the san andreas fault. and when i wrote it there was somebody, the publisher, who said, isn't that an extreme number? and i said no. and then, of course the tragedy in japan, all of a sudden you see a nine. and that's the pacific rim. we're on the other side of that. so, i do believe that you know i've lived through all the earthquakes here and even the little ones are impossible to just -- >> jimmy: yeah. you think about them.

>> the freeway comes down at a six. so, you don't want to be here. i hope all you guys are on vacation when the nine happens. >> jimmy: i'm building a nerf home right now that i can live in safely. if i gets wet, it will get a little crunchy. other than that, it will be fine. >> i think earthquake science is the stupidest of all the scientists. because they stick the things in the ground and then well the san andreas fault is never more capable -- will never do more than a 7.1. what are you, god? [ laughter ] how do you know what the middle of the earth is going to decide to do one morning? >> jimmy: have you been there? >> they tell us in a million years, los angeles will be above san francisco. so, oh i see, that happens in little tiny baby steps? maybe one morning it just goes to bakersfield, you don't know. >> jimmy: and there's something that bothers me is, they'll tell you the magnitude of the earthquake. say it's a 7.1 but it's set,

like, two hours in the middle of the desert. there should be relative magnitude. >> absolutely. let me tell you, a two, one mile under where you live is like a nine in the desert. there's no relative -- >> jimmy: we have to work together to solve this. >> yeah. >> jimmy: maybe that's the next book. relative magnitude. i'd be happy to work on it with you. >> i'll tweet you about it. >> jimmy: okay, yeah. tweet me. [ applause ] did you find that this is a more difficult process than writing a screenplay? >> it was actually more enjoyable. because my whole training is writing screenplays, but my budgets aren't very large. your imagination becomes restricted. the first movie i made i had a scene where a house burned down and a horse died and, you know i just wrote it i thought -- then i sat with a guy for an hour, how are you going to kill the horse? you know how much that costs? no.

we can't kill a horse. it's too expensive. okay. can you put him to sleep an hour? do you though how much that is? it's all the talk about, how can i get the horse to look dead? that cost $25,000 for a horse to pretend. >> jimmy: but in this, you can destroy the entire city of los angeles. >> it's not just that. this is -- has global, you know the chinese play a big part in this book and, really one of the themes of this book that i do like is the upcoming war that i think is going to happen between the younger generations and the older generations. >> jimmy: yeah that's a great -- and the book again, it's very funny. besides being very interesting, it's funny. >> my son already looks at me and i can see in his face i'm not paying for your wheelchair. i ain't paying for it. >> jimmy: take him for a walk around the neighborhood all will be forgiven. great to have you here. albert brooks' book is called

"2030: the real story of what happened to america." we'll be right back with chaz bono.

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l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l l

[ cellphone vibrates ] hey baby, what's going on? [ ella ] happy anniversary!

are we still on for tonight? yeah, of course. of course. [ laughs ] you remembered to make a reservation, right? yeah, i remembered that. the number one thing a man should remember. i'm gonna be there soon. i'm gonna come pick you up. and i'll, uh...i'll -- i'll -- i'll call you -- i'll call you when i'm on the way. i'm -- i'm on the way. ok? ok! [ male announcer ] only at&t's network lets your iphone talk and surf at the same time. [ male announcer ] at p.f. chang's we don't just make dinner. we make it sizzle and snap. and now so can you. ♪ ♪ ignite the night with p.f. chang's home menu. the boldest flavors in the freezer aisle. [ alarm ] egg! whites! bay! kin! cheese! spiiinnnaaachh... tuuur...keeey...

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re. our next guest started life in the public eye as a little girl on "the sonny and cher show." now, he is a man and still on tv with a documentary on the own network and a book called "transition: the story of how i became a man." please say hello to chaz bono. [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: how are you? thanks for coming. >> i almost feel like i need to apologize at this point. i've been on tv so darn much. >> jimmy: you have done a lot. but there are still people that don't know first of all, you started out, i used to watch you when you were a little girl and your parents would hold you up on that show and now, then you turned into a man. >> right. like that. >> jimmy: like magic. you feel good being a man now? >> i do. >> jimmy: it's great, isn't it? >> it is. it is. >> jimmy: and, oprah didn't make you do this, right, to help launch her network? because if she did, tell me and i'll handle it. >> no, she didn't. >> jimmy: we need content if you want to be on this network, you're going to have to become a man and next season you might have to go back so get ready. >> i've been transitions for just over two years now. >> jimmy: just over two years. we have something in common that we both kind of grew up i grew up in las vegas --

>> i spent a heck of a lot of time there. >> jimmy: one thing is my mother isn't cher. >> right. yeah. >> jimmy: so that is a key difference. >> that is the difference between us. no, i -- >> jimmy: your mother's birthday is -- >> tomorrow. yeah. >> jimmy: you have a gift for her? >> i do. >> jimmy: okay, good. >> i'm not going to say what it is. >> jimmy: she must be very hard to shop for. >> so hard to shop for. incredibly hard. >> jimmy: you could give her an autographed copy of your book but i assume she has one already. you know, i think it's interesting, you have a good sense of humor, we didn't see much laughter or anything in all the very serious interviews that you've been doing. >> no. >> jimmy: who is the funnier of your parents? >> my dad was really hilarious. they both have great sense of humors. i have to say. my mom is very sharp and very funny. but my dad was, like really funny. and -- >> jimmy: in what way? >> big practical joker. >> jimmy: really? >> huge. just merciless. so -- >> jimmy: can you think of one good one that he did --

>> there's so many. i think i write in the book but he used to paint my face you know, burn a cork and paint my face black and then hang me in the closet and ask my mom to get his coat for him. and -- he -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: there's a lot of weird things about that, yeah. >> no he was twisted. he once sent his housekeeper to the butcher for pig -- >> jimmy: he told her to go get pig meat? >> yeah and, yeah with me he teased me all the time. all, all the time. >> jimmy: in a fun way? >> in a fun way. but sadistically fun. i was always in the pool as a kid. and so, and we spent a lot of time in palm springs. i would be in the pool happy, and he had this game called save

the baby. and he would go into this character of this old man who thought i was drowning in the pool and jump in and swim me back to shore, dunking me under the whole time as we got to the shallow end, so -- >> jimmy: wow. what do you think your dad would think of this transformation? >> i don't know. i really don't know. i think -- i think that he -- he was so -- you know he was always really cool in accepting me for who i was. so, i would hope that would be the case. it, you know he would be -- like in his late '70s now. probably be generationally kind of a tough thing to get. >> jimmy: he wouldn't have to play a character anymore in the pool. >> yeah. but i think as time went on he would get it. look it i'm really proud of myself and i think he would be i mean i did a lot to get to the place that i am and i'm a good man and i think -- >> jimmy: you put a lot of

thought into this. >> yeah. >> jimmy: this was not something that you did quickly. >> no. >> jimmy: as far as the penis goes -- how do you get one of those? can you? >> pretty complicated. >> jimmy: it is? it's -- is that something that you want? because i have one and i recommend it highly. >> highly. i'm very happy with mine. [ applause ] >> it is something that i want. and i'm just kind of waiting and doing a little research and waiting to see what kind of advances are coming down the pike. >> jimmy: i see. it would have to be something kind of cynic. >> it's pretty scientific. >> jimmy: it not as simple as a cosmetic thing -- >> no, it's not. >> jimmy: okay. mine either. >> right. you know -- there's a lot of plumbing involved down there. >> jimmy: definitely. but there are no transplants or

anything like that -- >> no. >> jimmy: okay, because they do a heart, i mean why not -- >> why not? who wants to be a donor? you want to be a donor? >> jimmy: yeah but not like you would want osama bin laden's penis, but they threw him overboard and wasted him. you could have had that, right? >> that was bad. >> jimmy: besides the obvious physical stuff that you experienced, do you feel like you have like male impulses now, like, do you find the three stooges funny now? >> you know i mean certain things have changed a little bit. like, i'm really more gadget oriented now. but i still, my girlfriend still, you know yelling at me to change the lightbulb. >> jimmy: now it's your responsibility. >> now you get to take out the garbage and get the oil changes? >> i know nothing about cars. i'm horrible there. >> jimmy: well, you know it's no fun being a guy in that respect, is it? you have to do the really dirty

stuff. well, it's great to meet you. here's the book. the documentary is fascinating the book is called "transition: the story of how i became a man." chaz bono, everybody. we'll be right back with music from rammstein.

üle da." here with the song "du hast" rammstein. ♪ ♪

♪ du du hast du hast mich ♪ ♪ du du hast du hast mich ♪ ♪ du du hast du hast mich ♪ ♪ du du hast du hast mich ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ du du hast du hast mich du hast mich ♪ ♪ du hast mich gefragt du hast mich gefragt du hast mich gefragt ♪

♪ und ich hab nichts gesagt ♪ ♪ willst du bis der tod euch scheidet treu ihr sein für alle tage ♪ ♪ nein nien ♪ ♪ willst du bis zum tod der scheide sie lieben auch in schlechten tagen ♪ ♪ nein nien ♪ ♪ ♪ du du hast du hast mich ♪

♪ du du hast du hast mich ♪ ♪ du du hast du hast mich ♪ ♪ du hast mich gefragt du hast mich gefragt du hast mich gefragt ♪ ♪ ♪ und ich hab nichts gesagt ♪ ♪ willst du bis der tod euch scheidet treu ihr sein für alle tage ♪ ♪ nein nien ♪ ♪ willst du bis zum tod der scheide