on the aftermath of those tornados and always online at abcnews.com. we'll see you here tomorrow. >> dicky: up next on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: steven tyler really is something. i haven't seen an old lady this sexed up on tv since mrs. roper. >> dicky: jesse tyler ferguson. >> me and my boyfriend met melissa rivers at this birthday party -- >> jimmy: you're gay? i was not informed of this. >> dicky: sarah vowell. >> i like excellence. >> jimmy: who doesn't? >> dicky: and maybach music group featuring rick ross. >> jimmy: i want you to know, unlike that quitter oprah, i'm here for you. >> dicky: "jimmy kimmel live," coming up ne

i'm jimmy kimmel with guillermo. with a word about empires and allies, an addictive new game from zinga, who brought you farmville. empires and allies is a social strategy combat game you play on facebook. >> that's right. you get to choose if you wish -- >> jimmy: what? >> if you wish, warn on your friends, or protect them from your enemies. >> jimmy: have you played the game? >> jimmy, i did not just play it. i live it. >> once upon a time in a beautiful far-away eye land paradise, there was an evil invasion. >> we will defeat our enemy! or maybe we won't!

either way. >> as the momentous foes struck their shores, the peaceful kind and hard-working islanders struck back. >> hello, lady. do you think we're going to win? i hope we win. >> build your army. plan your attack. lead your empire. and if all goes well, live happily ever after. >> they have guns too! >> empires and allies. >> cool! >> from zinga. play today. >> empires and allies. the new strategy combat game . available now on facebook. >> jimmy: music from maybach music group featuring greg ross and jesse tyler ferguson. just how irresistible is new kellogg's crunchy nut? you won't want to wait 'til morning to eat it. ♪ [ beep ] ♪ ♪

the perfect blend of sweet and nutty in every irresistible bite. new kellogg's crunchy nut. go ahead, it's morning somewhere. new kellogg's crunchy nut. to increase its profile is sculpted for optimal aerodynamics... it reduces wind resistance, in an irresistible sort of way the all-new ford focus with up to 40 miles per gallon highway

that the new focus can it virtually park itself.ve till you actually see it... park itself. the all-new ford focus with class-exclusive active park assist. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- jesse tyler ferguson. author sarah vowell.

and music from maybach music group featuring rick ross. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, chances are, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. thank you. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming out tonight. and i want you to know that unlike that quitter oprah, i'm here for you. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] that's right. i will never leave you. even if you ask me to leave you, i will not go. but we'll get to oprah later. why start things on a down note when we have a new "american idol." the season finale of "american

idol" tonight, thank god, enough already, really. there are a number of high profile music performances on the show tonight. marc anthony, lady gaga, carrie underwood, beyonce, bono, the edge, lil' jon, tim mcgraw, judas priest and tom jones. it was like a mix tape from an ex-boyfriend who hated you. to no one's surprise, 17-year-old scotty mccreary took home the -- what, belt, do they get a championship belt? all the big performances seemed to have overshadowed the actual winner of the show. winning "american idol" is a big deal. what i hope for scotty is he's able to maintain this level of popularity throughout his career. most "american idol" champions don't. in fact, we went out on the street today to play a game with "american idol" fans called "how many idol winners can you name?" >> i'm ready. >> ready. >> oh, yeah. what's his name. he's still making money and i can't think of it and i just --

help, come on. >> i don't know. >> his face looks familiar. >> i think he won last year but i don't know his name. >> didn't he just win or something? i don't know his name, though. >> i know who that is. um -- >> who is that? >> what is that guy's name? >> he was on the -- >> he's the old guy. >> yeah, i -- i think her name is liz or something? >> david? archuletta. >> oh that's the kelly pickler. that's the one. >> ugly betty? >> bucky covington. >> i know that guy -- wait. he's -- david cook. got one. >> gosh. are we good or what? >> jimmy: all right, so, 1 out of 80 wasn't bad. nonetheless, scotty defeated fellow teenager lauren, who was having trouble with her voice. during rehearsal yesterday she blew out one of her vocal chords. and the vocal chords, we have two of them and they're attached

to your singing hole. so they're important. you can't do karaoke without them. after the show last night, lauren couldn't talk. in fact -- this post-show press conference, she had to answer questions -- she had to write them down on a note pad. why they didn't just let her skip the press conference, i don't know. what answer was she going to give that was so important? i don't know. but i tell you what. this to me seems like a cry for help. that's not appropriate judge behavior. you wouldn't see judge judy squeezing people's butts. steven tyler really is something. i haven't seen an old lady this sexed up on tv since mrs. roper. i really haven't. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] "three's company" joke. all year, steven tyler has been ogling the female contestants. in a not so subtle way. his first season has been a season of much lust. we've been highlighting that lust this year.

and now tonight, we've put together his greatest moments from the show. here are the best of the best of steven tyler's creepy leers of the night. >> hi, what your name? >> holly. >> and how old you are? >> i'm 17. >> you're so cute and precious. >> thank you. >> boop boop de boop. >> how old are you, emma? >> i'm 15. >> nice. >> nice. >> oh-oh. wow. ♪ will never disappear >> steven said you sang your heart out. check out the top 11 this summer by popular demand. we've added more dates in newark, new jersey, and long island, new york. tickets for these shows go on sale friday at 10:00 a.m. other tickets are on sale right now so get yours before they

sell out. >> jimmy: there he is. leering reviews. he's something else. hey, speaking of horny old dudes, more arnold schwarzenegger news today. the former husband of arnold's maid/mistress is now speaking out. "entertainment tonight" scored an exclusive interview with him. he was married to this woman while she got pregnant. he thought the child was his until, like, last week. as you might imagine, he's pretty upset. >> when did you first realize this was not your son? >> just about three days ago, i think. >> who told you about this story when it broke? >> well, my doorbell ring and i open it and maury povich was standing there saying, "you're not the father! you're not the father." >> did you believe what he was telling you? >> of course, it is maury povich. >> we have a photo of you with arnold at the christening. tell me about that photo. >> he lift me up like a baby and

he say, i'm going to do sex with your wife. >> and what was your reaction? >> i say, okay, cool. >> really? >> yeah. the terminator is doing sex with my wife? high five! >> and we have only scratched the surface of this interview. more family secrets revealed tomorrow. >> jimmy: well, i look forward to that. [ cheers and applause ] good job, guillermo. very believable. all right this is from the real interview. and, well, you can see here why the guy is so upset. >> they split two months after giving birth to what would be their second son. the father, seen here wearing a schwarzenegger t-shirt, posing with the two boys. >> jimmy: all right, well, that shirt's going in the garbage, i guess. arnold schwarzenegger impregnated my wife and all i got was this lousy t-shirt. there was some happy celebrity marriage news today. kim kardashian is engaged. [ silence ] all right.

three people are excited. she was -- she got engaged last wednesday, which -- how did we not know about this until today? we know when she tries a new color of nail polish. this, she keeps quiet. as you know, the kardashian women are typically attracted to scientists, engineers, but kim is settling down with a professional athlete. fiance is kris humphries from the new jersey nets. which makes their celebrity couple name hump-passion. right? kim said she didn't expect the proposal at all. luckily photographers from "people" magazine did. they were able to get pictures of how he proposed. he spelled will you marry me out on rose petals on the floor. and then he gave her a $2 million ring. now, kris humphries isn't exactly lebron james. his whole salary this year was $3.2 million. it's a 20 carat diamond. he said he wanted to get his wife a nice ring since playing for the nets he probably won't ever get one himself. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]

meanwhile, this is a day of much sadness, because in these united states, oprah winfrey has left us. >> i won't say good-bye. i'll just say, until we meet again. >> jimmy: and now our angel belongs to outer space. [ cheers and applause ] the final oprah show aired today. stedman spent the morning running around the house trying to clean up all the weed and pizza boxes before she got home. spent the whole day weeping. you know, oprah taught me how to listen, how to share, how to forgive. she taught me how to poop in the shape of an "s." she taught me everything. oprah had a select few close friends in her audience today. mostly just viewers but her best friend gayle was there. maria shriver was there. her personal trainer bob green was there hiding his face. it was an emotional show. she was very well spoken as she always is, but it was a little

bit too heavy. for my liking. i kind of wish her final words had been, oh, and by the way, the books i recommended, i never read any of them. not a word. [ laughter ] [ applause ] oprah, though, took us on a kind of tour of memory lane, she reminisced about how she got started. she said nobody but jesus could have made this happen for me. that's nice. she thanked her son. that's good. right? but you know, i made a lot of fun of oprah over the years. the truth is, she's a very caring person. she brought joy to millions, unlike her replacement, rosie, who is evil personified, satan, the devil. so, to try to make up for all the fun we've had at oprah's expense over the years i wanted to do something nice to wish her farewell. so, i sent my cousin sal out in the city with a video booth for people to record their personal good-bye to oprah and the emotions this woman has been able to elicit, the bond she has formed with her audience, it's nothing short of remarkable.

>> giving people an opportunity to say good-bye to oprah, last week and that's it, never see her again. >> yeah, she's been on for a long time. >> she really has. >> yeah. it's going to be sad. >> i want you to go in there and i want you to communicate that sadness right from the heart, all right? >> okay. >> let her know what she means to you. just tell her what you feel. all right? >> all right. >> can you fit in there? you're a big guy. >> i am. >> all right. good luck. >> i believe everything that you have done these years has affected all of us greatly. and there will never be anyone like you. you always spoke the truth. >> hey. you're doing great. i just -- if you could be a little bit more emotional, you know? >> oh, sure, sure. >> just be sad, millions of people are sad. >> oh, okay. >> she loves when people are miserable. >> okay, okay, i can do that. no problem. okay. >> and we are going to miss you. you have just -- you have been that person for me, for all of us.

building us up and being a positive role model. you have always spoke the truth. you -- >> i like it. i'm getting from the producers -- just a little bit more. >> a little more? okay. >> just lose it. lose it. >> okay. all right. >> you're wonderful. i don't want you to go. you have done -- you have been -- you've been the person for us. you have been so great. >> hat -- >> i'm sorry. sorry. thank you, thank you. >> you've been so great for us. you've been awesome. i don't want you to go. i'm going to miss you. you've been so positive. you've -- you've been a person for us who --

>> this is good. i got a trick for you, though. >> okay. >> pull out a nose hair, it will all come out, right? >> right. >> does that hurt? >> it hurt. >> all right, go! >> we love you, oprah. you have been so great to us. we want you to know that you'll always be in our hearts. >> all right, time's up. >> all right. appreciate it, man. >> yeah, it was okay. come on out. good job. all right. so long, cry baby. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, you know, some emotions are realer than others. hey, we have a good show for you tonight. author sarah vowell is with us. we have music from maybach music group featuring rick ross. and we'll be right back with jesse tyler ferguson from "modern family," so stick around. [ sizzling ]

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>> jimmy: hi there, welcome back. thank you for watching. we're going to carry on tonight, because that's what oprah would have wanted us to do. tonight on the show, the author of this new book, "unfamiliar fishes," sarah vowell is with us. a very funny young lady. and then, a number of gentlemen, meek mill, pill, wale, and rick ross have banded together to record this new album "self made volume one," maybach music group from the bud light stage. tomorrow night, we'll be joined by christina aguilera, mike tyson, and we'll have music from big sean. who, by the way, is not that big. our first guest tonight is the most beloved bearded redhead on television since "walker texas ranger." you know him as mitchell on the funniest show in all of network

television, "modern family." the season finale was earlier tonight on abc, you missed it. please say hello to jesse tyler ferguson. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what's happening? >> hello, hello. >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> long island in the house. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you sense that long island was in the house? >> i know there's some long islanders in the house. >> jimmy: i got you. how are you right now during this difficult time? >> oh, god. it has been a roller coaster of a week. hasn't it? we're talking about oprah still. by the way. >> jimmy: of course. we'll be talking about her for awhile. >> until the end of time. until the end of time. >> jimmy: you were on the oprah show. >> i was. the whole cast was. it wasn't a one-on-one that i was hoping it to be, but we were

actually supposed to go to her studio in chicago and it got very complicated with our season finale last year in hawaii. we had to be in hawaii instead so we couldn't make it. yeah. we did a via satellite thing. we were in our studio and she was in her studio but we talked to each other through a television set. which wasn't nearly what i needed it to be. but it was enough because there's that moment, everyone dreams of it. you all have to admit this. you dream of oprah saying your name. [ laughter ] she said each one of our names. it started off, she was like, ed o'neill. we were getting more and more excited. she was like, sophia varaga. she was like, she saw us getting more excited, so, she bumped it up. by the time she got to me, she was like, jesse tyler ferguson! i was like -- i actually made that my outgoing message on my phone. >> jimmy: you got the full oprah treatment. >> i got the full oprah treatment. >> jimmy: on what phone is that your outgoing phone? >> on my cell phone, no one has a land line -- >> jimmy: can we call it?

is it really your outgoing message? >> you want to test me? >> jimmy: absolutely. can we put the thing on? all right. we'll see how much you like oprah. you don't have to dial 1 or 9 or anything. just dial regular and i'll shield your phone number from others. >> oh, it's the president. okay. >> jimmy: all right. >> i have a new number. do not give that out. >> jimmy: i won't. don't worry. >> it's ringing. can you hear this? >> jimmy: yes, we can. >> it would be embarrassing if it was a regis and kelly moment where no one ever answers the phone. >> jimmy: the giant wheel comes down. and we give nothing away. >> and we give nothing away. number 50, audience number 50. or if no one ever -- >> hi, sorry i'm not here to take your call but please leave a message after the beep for -- >> jesse tyler ferguson! >> oh, oprah. leave a message. >> jimmy: hey, jesse, i'll call you later man, take it easy. yeah. no, yeah. that's pretty good.

that's a pretty great message you have there. >> has the whole audience cheering. i mean, it's awesome. >> jimmy: so, you are on hiatus right now from the show. >> yeah, we've been on hiatus for quite some time. >> jimmy: what have you been doing? have you been enjoying yourself? >> oh, this and that. um -- i've actually -- i spent my -- i celebrated my first passover seder dinner this year. >> jimmy: first one ever? >> first one ever. i'm not jewish. >> jimmy: that will do it. >> so, that sort of knocks that holiday out of the running. but i actually celebrated with melissa and joan rivers. >> jimmy: you did? >> yeah. it was so random. i met -- me and my boyfriend met melissa rivers at this birthday party -- >> jimmy: you're gay? why wasn't i informed of this? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] sorry. you can always tell by the shoe laces. >> you can always tell by the shoe laces. so, we met melissa at a birthday party and ends up -- she was talking to us about her son. she left her son at home with a soap-making kit.

this is what rich people do. >> jimmy: what? >> my son's making glycerine soap at home. it was so weird. i was kind of joking, i was like, i would love a bar of your son's soap. and she ended up finding me and sending me a bar of her son's soap. >> jimmy: homemade son soap. >> homemade son soap. >> jimmy: wow. >> then she was like, i told my mother i met you guys and she wants to know if you want to come over for passover dinner. i didn't even look at a calendar. it was like, yes! and so we went. and it was awesome. it was amazing. >> jimmy: were there a budge of celebrities there? >> no. it was like -- well, i didn't know if we were walking into a reality show, if there were going to be like random -- i don't know, joey mcintyre was going to be over there, random celebrity central. >> jimmy: they'd be miking you when you walk in. >> signing clauses and release forms. but it was -- it was -- but we were the randoms. and it was family and friends and then me and my boyfriend. so weird. but like we walk in and the first thing she says to us, she goes, where's my gift.

and so we had a bottle of wine for her, we thought we should bring something but the next one behind her, where's my gift. it was like an old family friend. >> jimmy: i see. >> i'm not kidding you, hors d'oeuvres of pigs in a blanket went by us. >> jimmy: what? >> i'm not kidding. from that moment i was like, oh. >> jimmy: very couture affair. >> very soft. and then we did the whole dinner thing and they described the bitter herbs and all this stuff but everything was beautifully presented. the egg was, like, gorgeously presented. it was like deviled egg with, like, paprika on it -- >> jimmy: very classy. >> very, very classy. >> jimmy: wow. >> i think normally you're lucky if you get a plastic egg. i don't know how these things work. >> jimmy: they sprinkled paprika on it. >> listen. very little impresses me. a little paprika and i'm sold. and then the books. we have little missilettes -- i don't know, that's christian. help me out. >> jimmy: the things. >> the things.

and they were backwards, i had to turn mine over. oh, it reads this way with the thick part in the right hand. then we were -- and then she edited it very heavily. >> jimmy: she did, joan did? >> joan handwritten, like, you are on page 15. skip to page 44. then you skip. and then i realized she edited the whole evening around like when you drink. >> jimmy: oh, really? just the drinking part? >> we basically drank a lot and said prayers in a language we did not understand. we invited someone to come to the table who wasn't there. we shook it a little bit. who do you invite? elijah came to the table. >> jimmy: did he come? >> i think so. joan shook the table. it was high drama. it was awesome. she is a salt of the earth person. i was thrilled to be invited. >> jimmy: do you think you'll be invited again next year? >> god willing. i mean -- it was awesome. great night. >> jimmy: yeah, all right. well, we're going to take a quick break if you don't mind. when we come back, we'll talk to jesse tyler ferguson, "modern family" here on abc, wednesdays at 9:00. we'll be right back.

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>> jimmy: we are back. sarah vowell will be here soon. maybach music group with rick ross will be here, too, and jesse tyler ferguson is here from "modern family." [ cheers and applause ] now, last summer, you worked last summer. >> i did. >> jimmy: you did "shakespeare in the park." >> i did shakespeare in the park. which is very prestigious in new york city. i was honored to be asked. i don't audition anymore. offer only. but it was with al pacino which was amazing and terrifying at the same time. yeah. it was very, very exciting. >> jimmy: was al familiar with your work from the show? >> i don't think initially. i think as the rehearsal process went on people would come up to me, other cast members be like, i watched your show tonight and he was like what's going on with this boy? so, he found out as the rehearsal progressed that he wasn't the only famous person in the show. no, but he is so awesome. it's like -- i don't know if you remember this. we're actually at the season finale tonight. but last year at the season finale we did this sort of tribute to "the godfather" where i was killing a bird in the house and it was all in slow

motion, and it was over cameron singing the "ave maria." and it was our tribute. our tribute to "the godfather." i was proud of this sequence. i told al about it. i was all nervous. we did this sort of tribute and i'd love for you to see it because i know he hadn't watched the show. so, every day after that he was asking me, like, to see it and i didn't have any tape on. i was like, calling abc and fox, like, can someone please send me this clip, pacino is on my tail. >> jimmy: al pacino wants to see it. >> al is very, very upset. so it finally comes in, we have a break in our rehearsal. i set him up in the rehearsal rooms that wasn't being used with a little computer monitor, i plug in headphones, i put the headphones on him, push play and it was just this clip. and i think he had forgotten what i was going to show him because he was like, well, you have to show me something. he's sitting down at this computer. when you have headphones on, you talk louder than you think. so he's sitting at this computer looking at me. and i'm like nervous. and he's like -- that's you!

it's a bird! what are you doing with the bird? you're crazy! ah, ha ha, funny! like, literally. >> jimmy: that's great. that was a great experience. [ cheers and applause ] >> awesome. awesome. >> jimmy: and that means he approved of it, right? i would guess? >> yeah. and he, like, a few weeks later he had these coffee commercials that he'd shot in london somewhere. very fancy black and white european coffee commercials. he's like, i want to show you cuts of this coffee commercial i did. now i'm the expert on all things tv. he comes to me with those questions now, yeah. >> jimmy: did you lie to him and tell him you loved it or did you love it or -- >> as far as coffee commercials go, they were beautifully shot. very well acted. >> jimmy: very well acted. >> couldn't have done it better myself. >> jimmy: well, good. i'm sure he was delighted to hear that. >> delighted, my approval means the world to him. >> jimmy: do you watch the show on television? like, tonight, the "american idol" was on opposite.

>> yeah, opposite of us. i actually dvr a lot. i rarely watch anything live. but i will -- i think i'll -- i was going to say i'll watch it live, we're later tonight, we're doing this thing, we're pretending it's later than it is. i will watch it live tonight. i watched it live tonight. past tense. >> jimmy: with al pacino. >> i watched it last night with al pacino. >> jimmy: drank coffee. >> yeah, yeah. drank coffee, watched it live. >> jimmy: the cliff-hanger, if you will, you might have another baby. >> cameron and mitchell might have another baby. they might not have it themselves. i don't think that's going to happen. >> jimmy: why not? it's tv. >> talk about a cliff hanger. i am actually pregnant. in my forehead. yeah, no, so i think we're looking at adopting another baby. >> jimmy: will you please make it emanuel lewis? the baby that you adopt? i mean, i would like to -- number one, he's still small. he would be great on television. and how awesome would that be if you say we adopted a little boy and out comes emanuel lewis?

out comes webster. >> not a day aged. >> jimmy: he looks exactly the same. hey, we were in new york together last -- the week -- last week for the upfront. and i was talking actually to steve levitan, the creator of your show. he said you guys did the james lipton -- >> "inside the actor's studio." >> jimmy: how did that go? >> it was fantastic. you leave that show feeling like you have created the art form of acting. like, he makes you feel amazing about yourself. >> jimmy: it was the whole cast, right? >> the whole cast. but he spent time with each of us. as if he was doing a show just on each one of us. so, it was like four hours long. we were held hostage by james lipton. and then he had dinner with us afterwards so it was like an eight-hour evening. but there was a weird moment where he wanted to speak to each of our characters. he was like, might i speak to mitchell now. and i would be like -- yes. and then, none of us sound --

other than eric, none of us are terribly different from our character. like, he was like, i would like to speak to gloria now. and sophia was like, can you tell the difference? i don't know, it's the same thing. it was just very weird. we found ourselves just reciting dialogue from the show that had been written by other people. it was very weird. basically a live performance of "modern family." >> jimmy: sounds like everything's going great. the show is great again this season. >> thank you. >> jimmy: there was no slump at all. >> thank you. >> jimmy: we look forward to next season. watch reruns all summer. jesse tyler ferguson. "modern family," wednesdays at 9:00 here on abc. we'll be right back with sarah vowell. ♪

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>> jimmy: hi there. still to come, maybach music group. our next guest is a very fine and funny young writer. you know her voice from "the incredibles" and "this american life." her latest book is a "new york times" listed best seller called "unfamiliar fishes: the story of america's forceful acquisition of hawaii," is in bookstores both virtual and real. please say hello to sarah vowell. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how's it going? >> hi. >> jimmy: great to you have here. >> so happy to be here. >> jimmy: i heard you on the radio many times. >> i've seen you on the tv. >> jimmy: perfect then. >> yes. you, in fact, you put on one of my favorite things that has ever been on television, not involving elvis presley, that was the busboy named ricardo who played the nba legends at pop a shot.

and pop a shot is the only sport i am remotely good at. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> i used to be good. i would, when i lived in chelsea i would go to the bowling alley at chelsea piers every day and play pop a shot. just to blow off steam, you know? and it was my dream one day to beat nba legends. like i literally, you know, dreamed i would beat steve kerr of the chicago bulls at pop a shot. and then you have this guy, ricardo, and he just mops the floor with all these people. >> jimmy: he's unbelievable. >> he is. and i met charles barkley recently doing another talk show and i told him, you know, my dream to do that, and he's like, well, you might be able to beat me but i don't think you could beat that busboy. >> jimmy: ricardo beat charles here. >> it had everything you want in a story. an underdog, you know? >> jimmy: right. and, you know what, he's going to be back and playing -- this time around, he's going to be doing it blindfolded next week -- >> he'll still win. >> jimmy: yeah, i think he will too. he's very good. he's very talented. >> i like excellence. >> jimmy: who doesn't like excellence?

and, now, where did you grow up? where are you from? >> well, i was born in muskogee, oklahoma. >> jimmy: that's not what i would have guessed. >> really? >> jimmy: muskogee, oklahoma. >> muskogee county, actually. i don't want to put on airs. you know, this thing that's been happening, like, the rapture was supposed to happen? >> jimmy: yeah. >> well, when i was a little kid there, i was kind of obsessed with the rapture just because it came up a lot. you know. it was a very religious place. >> jimmy: oh. >> and i was scared of it, not because, you know, the apocalypse but because i just thought -- i just thought, like, i was taught to believe that i was a depraved evil wretched sinner, so, that i would never make it to hell and then also i thought all the men would never make it -- i thought i would never make it to heaven and i thought all the men wouldn't make it to heaven because they were always in trouble, too. like, the kids and the men were always in trouble for something, you know, kids for kid stuff,

men would drink, smoke, whatever. i just thought only the church ladies would make it in the rapture, you know. get hoovered up to heaven. and then i just thought, oh, then my sister and i would be stuck eating my dad's cooking. you know? that's what the rapture was to me. >> jimmy: was your dad not a good cook? >> no, he knew how to make boy scout potatoes and spaghetti sandwiches. >> jimmy: oh. >> that's it. >> jimmy: that's the italian food. >> that's the apocalypse of family meals. >> jimmy: it really is. >> yeah. >> jimmy: speaking of religion. have you been following oprah's last days here on earth? >> yeah. yeah. and i mean, you know, it was her last day today, right? >> jimmy: yeah. >> so, i mean, now that you have an author on, this is probably your way of taking up her mantle of starting a book club, right? >> jimmy: oh, yeah. that's a very good idea. i should do that. [ cheers and applause ] >> i mean, there's a spot open for a savior of literature and that could be you. >> jimmy: it seems unlikely that it will be. but i would be more than happy

to give it a shot. i would love to wield that kind of power in the world of publishing. >> yeah. i mean, it's -- just like -- do us a favor. you know how oprah, sometimes she would pick john steinbeck then steinbeck would be a best-seller. he's dead. >> jimmy: that doesn't help anyone. >> that doesn't help any of us writers, you know? >> jimmy: did she ever pick any of your -- >> i wish. >> jimmy: she didn't. >> no. i mean, you know how her books -- they had to be kind of inspirational? >> jimmy: they had to have clouds on the covers. >> yeah. and my books, like, they have ideas in them but there is always, like, the odd moment of just kind of jackass shenanigans. >> jimmy: oprah doesn't go for that stuff. >> no. like going to the mckinley memorial and buying a yo-yo with a picture of a mausoleum on it, that kind of stuff. that doesn't happen in an oprah book. >> jimmy: no, it doesn't. >> it could happen in one of your books. >> jimmy: in the jimmy book club. it would be required. >> you could just call up the publisher, you got any yo-yos? >> jimmy: just do a quick google search.

yo-yos not in there, the book's not in my club. period. >> yeah. >> jimmy: tell us the title of the book. "unfamiliar fishes." why is it called that? >> it's about americans kind of taking over hawaii and that phrase comes from this hawaiian guy in the middle of the 19th century who is fed up with the white people showing up in hordes and taking over his island. he wrote this letter to his friend saying, when a big wave comes in, large and unfamiliar fishes come from the dark sea and when they see the small fishes in the shallows, they will eat them up. meaning, like, the white people are going to devour the hawaiians. which happened. >> jimmy: you know what, until this book i had no idea. i thought they said, hey, we'd love to be a part of the country. i didn't know we just went over there and decided to take them. >> that is a very american attitude. yeah. it turns out there are a lot of hawaiians who still don't think of themselves as americans, don't want to be american and would rather get out of the whole thing. >> jimmy: we call them

troublemakers. >> they are. yeah. they will protest you, so -- >> jimmy: well, it's very educational -- >> not you. they love you. >> jimmy: not me specifically. plus they're for the most part, they're relaxed. i don't think there are a lot of protests. i could be wrong, though. >> there are a lot of protests but there is a lot of relaxation. but i did kind of fall in love with the place. the landscape is so -- i like creepy stuff and the whole landscape is kind of, like, you know, there's the black rocks and the gray craters and -- >> jimmy: we saw what happened on "lost." a lot of weird things happen in hawaii. >> well, yeah. i thought actually -- that show -- while it was fanciful in its storytelling was very accurate depiction of the landscape and, you know, its kind of gothic qualities. >> jimmy: well, this is my first ever book club selection. here it is. it's called "unfamiliar fishes." sarah vowell, everybody. we'll be right back with maybach music group featuring rick ross. [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: this is their debut album, it's called "self made volume one," with the songs "play your part" and "tupac back," with some help from d.a., travis barker and cletone jimmy

♪ ♪ you think you're using me like this game's new to me ♪ ♪ but you ain't confusing me you just want jewelry ♪ ♪ it's sophistry but that ain't stopping me ♪ ♪ and it ain't stopping you it will be cool as long as you just play your part ♪ ♪ just play your part, just play your part, just play your part ♪ ♪ we'll be cool as long as you just play your part i'm incline with women ♪ ♪ who come on they time she came over and she -- a few times from crispy futons ♪ ♪ to christian louboutin game over had her shopping in milan twenty racks really ♪ ♪ that's sneaker money triple white ferrari yeah that's the

easter bunny at the caesar in vegas ♪ ♪ yeah i put the visa on it now all she do is tell me how she used to love me i let her decorate ♪ ♪ the real estate and i let her spend a half the ticket give or take a couple dollars ♪ harry winston stone collars canary yellow everything plane chartered ♪ ♪ i spoiled her maybe 'cause i adored her more than fly that girls a flying saucer ♪ ♪ my mona lisa painting on the wall came to life and she said the love of picture just ♪ ♪ you're using me like this game's new to me but you ain't confusing me ♪ ♪ you just want jewelry and all them -- that's just sophistry but that ain't stopping me ♪ ♪ and i ain't stopping you see we'll be cool as long as you just play your part ♪ ♪ just play your part just play your part just play your part just play your part just play your part we'll be cool as long as you ♪ ♪ just play your part i try to love 'em in the physical not literal she said she love me ♪ ♪ but what i'm feeling is minuscule i understand that prada lives in ♪

♪ her inner soul so the devil that droves in her got in control ♪ ♪ anne hathaway and sack chasin' getting got cake up though my paper way ♪ ♪ thicker than model make up but ya'll wait up my mind racing my toe slippin a lot of women ♪ ♪ is real some -- robin givens i never give 'em no liquid no pot to piss in ♪ ♪ i tend to leave them quite offended if they too dependent i'm pitchin' -- ♪ ♪ that's dreamin' thinking i'm trickin' chicken i'm simply -- ♪ ♪ with -- that know they whole position that's real -- real -- life ♪ ♪ i give my heart to one broad the others get the pipe i ain't tryna fight ♪ ♪ i ain't tryna fuss i trying for the money they try to fall in love ♪ >> "self made" is in stores right now. put your hands up. put your hands up. ♪ tupac back tupac back there's all these -- screaming that tupac back ♪ ♪ all eyes on me better picture me rollin' buying brand new rims

but them -- ♪ ♪ is stolen stranded on death row brenda having my baby but i'm stacking my paper ♪ ♪ i need a brand new mercedes they screaming tupac back tupac back ♪ ♪ there's all these -- screaming that tupac back huh tupac back ♪ ♪ i'm two -- strapped rolling down in philly this the new iraq soon as i hit the hood ♪ ♪ they screaming who got whacked it's a recession on the work i'm screaming who got -- ♪ ♪ i'm sippin' hennessy riding on my -- enemies sliding in the back screamin' ♪ ♪ m-m-g ten -- and they dime so it's tennessee ♪ ♪ hail mary put my wrist on froze presidential is gold play with my money ♪ ♪ my jeweler lifting his soul forty kick like in soccer -- hittin' the goal ♪ ♪ i'm like john wall 'cause i just give em and go plotting on this new seven i can picture me