generation freedom is that someone. >> that's bruce fieiler. thanks for watching abc news. we'll see you here tomorrow. >> dicky: tonight on "jimmy kimmel live" -- >> jimmy: sorry is show isn't funny tonight. i got struck by lightning. >> dicky: jason bateman. >> can i have a triple segment to tell you about it? >> dicky: dhani jones. and comedian hannibal buress. >> jimmy: there's

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♪ >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with news about the bud light port paradise cruise with two cruise ships, 4,000 shipmates and one private caribbean island. it might be the best time you never want to talk about. we go now to guillermo, who's sailing the high seas. how is it going out there, guillermo? ♪ >> oh, hi, jimmy. thank you for sending me on the port paradise cruise. i'm having the time of my life. i just wish my chihuahuas paco and pepe were here with me. i hope they're doing okay. [ phone ringing ] [ barking ] hola. paco and pepe, how are you? [ barking ] si. i miss you too.

do not be sad and lonely. i'll be home soon. >> guillermo. i need more suntan lotion on my back. >> hey. i've got to go, guys. bye. >> [ barking ]. ♪ >> dicky: the bud light port paradise cruise sets sail again this year. find out how to get aboard at facebook.com/budlight. bud light. here we go. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i don't understand what's h hpening there. these dogs are attracted to human women. it's ridiculous. [ laughter ] "jimmy kimmel live" back live in two minutes with d hanni jones, comedian hannibal buress, and jason bateman. here we go! ♪ ♪ how many people did we invite?

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vo:...and so is the bacon...rf cheddar ranch tendercrisp at burger king. crispy bacon, rich cheddar cheese and creamy ranch dressing. not even the end of the world will make you put it down. get it before it's gone. and see "transformers: dark of the moon" only in theaters. crunchy, roasted peanuts. meet soft, chewy caramel. for the energy to keep you ing. who wouldn't want to be a part of that? payday. the sweet taste of energy. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- jason bateman. from the since nattily bengals,

dhani jones. the sixth annual belly flop competition. and comedian hannibal buress. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, not only that, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks. hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the program. thank you for watching. thank you for attending. it's summer here in los angeles. lindsay lohan already has a deep brown ankle monitoring device tan line. it's beautiful. i know a lot of people are visiting. here's something funun to do. you should absolutely visit the beach if you are here in l.a.

act like you are digging for sand crabs and pull out a kitten. kids go crazy. they really do. it gets very, very hot here in l.a. right now, it's 68 degrees. so, we thought it would be fun to give pedestrians a chance to cool off. this is something we do every year. in the back of our theater, we set up a swimming pool. that is the pool. and out in hollywood boulevard we set up my cousin sal. hello, cousin sal. >> hey, jimmy. what's going on? [ applause ] >> jimmy: we're looking for people who are willing to take their clothes off, put on one of our pre-owned swim suits and belly flop into our pool. and who do we have there right now? >> i think you're going to love the look of this guy. >> jimmy: all right, y y're right, i do. what's yououname? >> mike. >> jimmy: mike? >> yeah. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> colorado. >> jimmy: very good. are you a belly flopper? >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: a lot of experience in the area? >> yes. >> jimmy: what do you do for a

living? >> i monitor a website. >> jimmy: what does that mean? >> i make sure people don't cuss, basically. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you're a sensor? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you don't look like one. >> i am. >> jimmy: well, great. we're going to kind of bring you back and we're going to get you out of those clothes and into a pool, all right mike? >> sounds good. >> jimmy: all right, so, send him through, cousin sal. plus place [ applause ] who else do we have out here? >> you're going to love the look of this guy. >> jimmy: that's not a guy. what's the plan? are you both -- you both belly flop for us? >> yeah. we're going together. >> jimmy: you're going to have to share a bah key tee. where are you from? >> cincinnati. >> jimmy: here on vacation? >> yeah. >> jimmy: very happy to have you here. oh, there goes mike. all right, stephanie and katie, you guys come through, also, and, yeye, we'll do this. there you go.

[ applause ] we'll round up contestants as we go. all year long we work hard to bring you clever and funny comedy segments but when it comes down to it, there's nothing funnier than a fat guy slapping his belly against the water. the presidential election is stl almost a year and a half away, but there's lots of fun happening. mitt romney and michele bachmann are tied in iowa, and this michele bachmann is a gold mine. she said some very wonderfully dumb things already. if you're not -- oh, hey. girls, how are you? yeah, right there. it wililbe great. [ laughter ] cleto, calm down. anyway, michele bachmann is kind of like sarah palin without the charisma or marksmanship.

and on sunday, she told fox news that she has the same american spirit as john wayne who was also born in waterloo iowa. it turns out he's not from waterloo, iowa, but john bean gasey is from waterloo, iowa. if you are from waterloo, how do you not know that john wayne gasey is also from there? he's pretty notable. the next most famous resident of waterloo is the guy who grew the largest pumpkin at the state bachmann also said our founding fathers fought tirelessly end to slavery, which is not what you might call true. in fact, they had slaves and -- i guess that's why they weren't tired, but -- on "good morning america" today, george stephanopoulos asked michele to clarify that statement, and what an answer she gave.

>> do you want to clear up some of your past statements, for example, this year, you said that the founding fathers who wrote the constitution and the declaration of independence worked tirelessly to end slavery. now, with respect, congresswoman, that's just not true. many of them, including jefferson and washington were actually slave owners and slavery didn't end until the civil war. >> what's marvelous that in this country and under our constitution, we have the ability, when we recognize that something is wrong, to change it. and that's what we did in our country. we changed it. we no longer have slavery. that's a good thing. >> jimmy: oh, all right, well, i'm glad we cleared that up. that slavery is bad. you know, maybe we should stop telling kids that anyone can grow up to be president of the united states. because i don't think it's -- [ applause ] necessarily a good thing. she went on to clarify her statement and she said john quincy adams worked to end slavery and that he should be considered a founding father

though he was 8 years old when the declaration of independence was signed. a founding father should be old enough to be a father, right? i love when politicians use a single sentence as their defense, as if that's what they meant t e whole time. and that's what she's doing. and not only is she sticking to it, she's working on, i don't know if it's a documentary or an educational film, but something to teach kids about american history. >> in 1775, thomas jefferson and john quincy adams set sail across the delaware river to tell the king of england they had enough of his liberal agenda. king james called that pole jeon and together, decided to kill america. they sent the nina, the pinata and the santa maria to fight. but then, george washington and abraham lincoln gathered an army to turn back the big government

dictators. they told paul revere to ride his horse to frodo. but then, john wilks booth showed up and killed lincoln. but there was still hope, because jesus appeared on the face of the liberty bell and he froze john wilks booth in carbonite. and the liberal homosexuals sailed back to their gay country, while americans claimed their land and drank beer. and that's how freedom was born. [ applause ] >> jimmy: i didn't know -- some of that i didn't know, i'll be honest. let's go back out to cousin sal. who do you have there? wow. >> i'm sandy. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> i'm from michigan. >> jimmy: michigan. and are you trying to look like kyle petty, or is it just a coincidence? >> just a coincidence. >> jimmy: do people think that's you? >> no, they know it's kyle

petty. >> jimmy: okay, well, are you ready to belly flop? >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: okay, come on through and you can belly flop for us, all right? [ applause ] just grab a few people and send them through, all right? >> you got it. >> jimmy: just round some people up and -- yes. i think we found our winner. [ laughter ] i mean, really. [ applause ] the women's soccer world cup tournament is under way. which, it seems weird to use the word cup in a women's sporting event, but we do. today, the u.s. women beat north korea, 2-0. but as it was reported in north korea, north korea beat the u.s. 2-0. after the match, the coach of the north korean team said his players might not have been playing as well because they were struck by lightning. for real. he said when they were practicing, more than five of the players were struck by lightning and that's why they

didn't play so well. that's a fantastic excuse. i'm going to -- sorry the show isn't funny tonight. i got struck by lightning. you wouldn't have known itit though, watching the game, because it was exciting from beginning to end and it's time now for our women's world cup play of the day. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: take that, nfl lockout. should we just go out -- go right out to the thing? yeah, we might as well get to the belly flopping, right? do we have people out there? first of all, we have guillermo. hello, guillermo. >> hi, jijiy. how are you doing? >> jimmy: i'm doing well, thank you. it's time for our sixix annual pedestrian belly flop

competition. there, that's our graphic. [ applause ] how's the water, fwar mow? have you touched the water? >> not yet, jimmy. but it looks nice. >> jimmy: it looks nice. let's meet our panel of judges. first up -- oh, hey. my cousin sal. hi, everyone. great. how many people did you get? [ applause ] now the pain is starting to hit me. i'm wishing i wore my women's world cup right now. all right, let's meet the judges. first up -- this may come in handy, the only super hero who can talk to fish, please welcome talk what man. hello, talk what man. next, he judged singers on

"american idol" for two seasons. please welcome kara dioguardi. kara, this is a different thing for you, to judge, isn't it? >> this is officially my best judging gig ever. are you kidding? i got a drink, i'm loving it. >> jimmy: you don't get cockt l cocktails on the other shows. >> no. >> jimmy: are you still wearing that bikini under your clothes like you did that one time? >> of course. >> jimmy: that will come in handy. that's great news. and he lives and works right here on our block, please welcome cory, the guy that plays chewbacca on hollywood boulevard. have you met kara, cory? >> yeah, we met. >> jimmy: what are you looking for in tonight's competitors? cory? >> oh, sorry. >> jimmy: what are you looking for tonight? >> i'm just looking for, like, you know, just -- they just jump off and, like, hit the water and -- >> jimmy: you're looking for

them to golf? >> yeah, just, like. i want to see some effort. >> jimmy: very good. and i from you, as well. all right. all right. so, let's go up to guillermo. guillermo, bring out our first flopper. oh there we go. all right. nice. [ applause ] mike. did you have that on or did we give that to you? >> no, you guys. >> jimmy: we gave it to you? well, you know what, you can keep it. >> thank you. >> jimmy: mike, i'm going to tell you right now, i think -- we have a lot of hope for you, because i think you're going to do a really good job. you got enthusiasm, you've got girth, everything you need. your body has not seen the sun in a long time. it's nice -- nice to do that to someone else, isn't it, guillermo? >> yes! >> jimmy: all right. you ready, mike? >> i think so. >> jimmy: guillermo, let's have a countdown, please. >> three, two, one --

>> jimmy: there was no belly in that flop. let's look at the instant replay here. it was almost -- that's a jackknife. all right, well, let's go to the judges for their scores. aquaman? a two. kara? what do you give that effort? >> oh, an 8. >> jimmy: an 8? >> he was born to belly flop. >> jimmy: you've gotten very soft. all right. and cory? what do you give -- cory? >> i'm going to give him a 7. >> jimmy: all right, all right. inexplicable number. all right. cousin sal, you're with mike. mike, how do you feel about that jump? >> little disappointed. >> jimmy: yeah. because you went straight in. it was as if you were trying not to splash. oh, we have our super hero towelers.

superman is very strong and elmo is very furry and spongebob is a sponge, so -- mike, well -- sorry, maybe next year, we'll get back to you again. >> i'm keep training. >> jimmy: okay, very good. hold on a second. we'll take a break. we have a good show tonight. jason bateman is here. dhani jones is with us. and comedy from hannibal buress. we'll be right back with belly flopping, so stick around. i like things stacked. we like things stuffed.

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>> jimmy: welcome back to the discovery channel. tonight on the program, an interesting guy.

he plays linebacker for the cincinnati bengals, and he is also a world traveler and the author of this book, "the sportsman: unexpected lessons from an around-the-world sports odyssey." dhani jones is with us. and thth, a very funny guy. this is his new comedy cd, it's called "my name is hannibal." hannibal buress is here. tomorrow night we'll have kevin nealon, animal trainer dave salmoni and music from parachute. and on thursday shia lebeouf, green bay packers quarterback aaron rodgers and 311, so, please join us for that. let's go out to our back parking lot for the pedestrian belly flop competition. we got people off the street. here we go girls. guillermo, count it down. >> three, two, one. >> jimmy: you know, they went in strong, but there wasn't much of a kick-back. let's take a look at the instant

replay. it looked like we were going to have something there, but thing came up. let's go to the judges. aquaman? he's very tough. gives them a 4. >> you're so mean. >> jimmy: oh, a nice score. a 9. >> he's down under water all the time he has no one to talk to. >> he's forable. >> jimmy: and cory. cory? it's time to -- >> seven. >> jimmy: cory has the same -- oh, never mind. >> how can the two guys get the -- >> jimmy: our floppers -- how do you guys feel about that? >> great. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i think you're in the lead right now, i mean -- it's not a strong lead, but you are in the lead. congratulations, ladies. stand by. >> woo. >> jimmy: and there we go. our super hero towel team. [ applause ] let's -- tell superman to take

it easy, would you? our first guest tonight is a golden globe-winner who started his career as a child actor, but due to circumstances beyond his control, was forced to become an adult actor. you can see him alongside a number of other very funny people in the new movie "horrible bosses." it opens in theaters july 8th. please welcome jason bateman. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very good to see you. >> very nice to be back here. it's been way too long. >> jimmy: it has been a long time since you were here. >> things look different here, right? >> jimmy: we fixed the place up. >> i really love what you've done with the place. >> jimmy: thank you. are you wearing swim trunks? >> i wish i were.

because the bar is very low to -- that one gal just dove, didn't she? >> jimmy: well, they tried. i have a lot of hopes for the big fat guy that was going through there. i really do. >> he went feet firsrs does he not get the -- it's in the title. belly flop. >> jimmy: it is called a belly flop. i'm sure he's ashamed of himself. i hope he doesn't do anything stupid. >> one gal gave him a nine for jumping feet first. >> jimmy: yeah, well, you knowow >> aquaman is supper tough. >> jimmy: yeah. so, how are you? >> i'm great. >> jimmy: i heard you just got a tattoo. why? >> there's -- one tattoo person there. [ applause ] >> jimmy: got a snake under his neck and a parrot on his shoulder. >> okay, i have always wanted one. and i always sort of threatened to. and i was -- i was talking it over with a couple of friends of

mine, a couple of weeks ago and he said, well, i'm going to be in new york while you're in new york and the guy that i know that does tattoos, you should get it done while you're there. i said, okay, great. and, by the way, all i wanted to do and what i did do was get my daughter's name put right here. my daughter's not going anywhere, i'm not going to, you know -- >> jimmy: okay, yeah. [ applause ] >> it's not done in sesame street letters. it's fire and brimstone. no. so i get to new york a couple of days ago. he says, so, were you serious about getting the tattoo? the guy is kind of hard to book, do you want me to do it? and i just -- it was an e-mail, so, i look up in the hotel, i say to my wife, hey, that, the tattoo thing, should i do that, or -- she's like, yeah, i think it's great. i said, yeah, book it tomorrow. without really giving it thought except for the fact that my wife said go do it.

and this is the point of the story, is that, this is -- i will never shake this. this will be on my body forever and were it -- she could have say, no, that's stupid, don't. and i wouldn't have done it. bull you wombut you women have power. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: halfway there already. >> i was. but how many things are you halfway there on? >> jimmy: and she pushed you over the ledge. >> she did. >> jimmy: does she have that at? >> she's got a messed up one on like, her toe. a chardonnay haze when she was 17. she actually removing it now. that's what was s scking to me. like, she's got such, i mean, like, i guess i i ke the power. thank god i don't have a wife that's got awful taste and pushing me to do horriblbl things, wear real edgy pink pants. does molly have that power over

you? >> jimmy: my girlfriend? no, no one makes me do anything. >> really? >> jimmy: yeah, i'm impossible, yeah. don't cheer, it not a good thing. >> i'm weak. i'm weak. but it was great, though. it didn't hurt that much. >> jimmy: it didn't? >> no. and now i want, like, 100. >> jimmy: do you really? that's the problem. guys will get them like dicky and cleto, they've got them all over their bodies. there's no room left on their bodies. >> i want to put my dog's face on my shoulder. [ laughter ] i was looking through a book of this guy's work before and i'm like, this guy does great dog faces. you know? so -- >> jimmy: isn't that weird? for your dog, you are laying in bed, your dog licks you, goes, huh. >> i'm kissing myself. >> jimmy: that is strange. did your wife tell you what to wear, those sorts of things? >> she, yes, she -- yeah, i won't buy anything that she

doesn't already bless, you know? >> jimmy: really? >> whatever is going on tonight -- >> jimmy: it looks good. did she pick that out for you? >> she kind of picked this out. this is another thing that i'm not too proud of. in the hollywood mamachine, wha the studios do, they offer a stylist. okay, a stylist is somebody that brings you a rack of clothes and gets you all dressed up and stuff. that my wife does with him and i basically sit there and, up know, watch tv or whatever and say, what about this, i'm like, i don't know, honey, you decide. you put ink on my body, you tell me what to wear, and so, now, i -- i don't dress myself. i rarely drive myself. i -- kicking and screaming, don't drive myself. >> jimmy: you're like a baby. >> it's disgusting. it's a hollywood diva crap. >> jimmy: speaking of dressing yourself. i know this is probably a few years ago, but -- >> oh, boy.

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you're wearing a fanny pack. maybe it is a good thing. >> tell me you added that. >> jimmy: no, we didn't. you actually added that. >> oh, god. >> jimmy: yeah. >> that's -- well -- boy. >> jimmy: hard to be a dodgers, fan, too, i tell you. >> stylist was about 20 years later, looks like. >> jimmy: we're going to take a break, we're going to talk about "horrible bosses," the new big film. jason bateman is here. "horrible bosses" opens july 8th. we'll be right back. [ female announcer ] love the look of freshly colored hair? now you don't have to wait 6 weeks to get it. introducing natural instincts with our first color refresher. get healthy looking, ammonia-free color, then let the new refresher boost your healthy look 2 weeks in. it helps restore color pigments,

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rid-x costs only six dollars, and the advanced natural bacteria generate powerful enzymes, which accelerate the waste digestion. use rid-x once a month, and help save yourself from disaster. >> you want to explain while you were doing 61 in a 25 zone? one block from the victim's house. just moments after he got shot dead. >> i was drag racing. i'm a drag racer. >> you were drag racing? in a prius? >> i don't win a lot. >> jimmy: that's jason bateman. "horrible bosses" is the film. >> that movie, i know i'm supposed to be saying this, but i would almost be tempted to offer 100% guarantee on your money. >> jimmy: really? >> but i'm not.

that moving is great. it's really, really great. >> jimmy: who is in the movie. >> charlie day, jason sudeikis, jennnner aniston, colin ferrell -- >> jimmy: were there high jinx on the set? >> oh, so much, jimmy. can i have a triple segment to tell you all the anecectes? the grab ass and horse play, the hoot that was had by all. >> jimmy: it looked like a hoot. >> it was a romp. >> jimmy: and what's the other movie you have coming out? >> there's this other thing a month later -- >> jimmy: they get mad if you mention n ? >> i don't know. the changeup. >> jimmy: we have to plan our summer. by the way, speaking of movies, "arrested development," one of the best shows ever --

[ cheers and applause ] do people ask you if there's ing to be a movie all the time? >> i'm never asked about that. >> jimmy: i'm sure. >> i am. but i have no update except to say that they are trying to make mitch's deal and he's the boss, he deserves everything he's asking for. so, i hope that make that. when they do, i think things will flow -- >> jimmy: well, we got you something here. and this is something you can wear around and this -- nono, there's no "arrested development" movie. run it by your stylist, okay? >> we need to add "yet" on there. >> jimmy: should we go to one belly flopper? oh, my goodness. that's my horse. we just met the michael jordan of belly flopping. what is your name? >> eddie. >> jimmy: where are you from? >> covina. >> jimmy: you look like -- it looks like a big brother program is going on there. eddie, please don't disappoint us, because we've b bn very

disappointed so far with the belly flopping, all right? i want there to be not a drop of water left in that pool. >> it's belly first. >> jimmy: it's belly first, you heard jason, all right? >> got you. >> jimmy: take your hands out of your pockets. >> three, two, one -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's the way you do it. >> little overrotation. >> jimmy: i hope he's okay. oh! well, you know, aquaman works with blue whales and the like. he's not impressed. he gives him a 6. kara. definitely a 10. right? >> oh, my god! >> jimmy: and let's go now to cory the guy -- >> ah, yeah.

>> jimmy: at least he got off the 7. cory, you know that's a 9, right? >> i was going to give him a 7, but -- >> jimmy: oh, no. >> don't lose it -- >> jimmy: oh! how many points does he get for that? that was really great, i have to say. that was beautifully done, eddie. you got a 25, you are the leader. yur going you're going to be tough to top. >> look at the welts. >> jimmy: super team, rub him down. thank you to jason bateman. the movie is called "horrible bosses." it opens july 8th. we'll be right back with dhani jones. [ female announcer ] have you met your skin twin?

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they're made from whole roasted nuts and dipped in creamy peanut butter... ♪ ...making your craving for a sweet & salty bar... ♪ ..rresistible. by nature valley. ♪ >> jimmy: aquaman is very, very tough. our next guest is an nfl linebacker with an affinity for travel, adventure and pain. he's been all around the world, endangers himself. his new book is called "the sportsman." from the cincinnati bengals, please welcome, dhani jones. [ cheers and applause ]

>> jimmy: did you get that spider belt buckle on your travels? >> no, i didn't. i got it in new york city. >> jimmy: you got it in new york, all right? >> i did eat a tar ran chew la. >> jimmy: how was that? >> tasty. kibld of like soft shell crab. they add flavors, they got carmel -- >> jimmy: they do? >> all flavors. >> jimmy: they deep fry it? >> yeah. you want this one? >> jimmy: no. i rarely eat people's belt buckles. it's a weird thing about me. i never do it. this is something, because you went -- for those of you that don't know, you went to, what, 20 countries? 20 different countries.0 days o. >> jimmy: you decided you were going to play the local sports and compete against the local athletes. and these are sports you never

played before. >> no -- i mean, i played soccer a little bit. when i went to south africa, playing with professional players. when i was in cambodia, competing against professionals. depending on who they were, it would be set up a different way. in spain, i played against two little kids that beat me. >> j jmy: how old? >> they were, like, 10 and 11, i played against teenagers and here i am trying to throw the ball and they were latughing at me. >> jimmy: you knew what they were saying? >> i know. >> jimmy: do they know you from the nfl? >> they're like, you know, don't look like refrigerator perry. but sometimes when i travel, actually, one time, they called me -- they were like, mr. obama, mr. obama! i was like, good gracious. all black people don't look the same, you know. it's okay. it's okay. secret service is right around the corner. >> jimmy: really? that is strange. >> i don't have anybody with me. i don't have my entourage.

i'll take it. >> jimmy: did you love doing this? >> it was the best. >> jimmy: how do the bengals feel you are running around the world doing these things in the offseason? >> i tell you this story. when i first taped the first episode, which was england, i learned rugrugby. i didn't tell anybody. and i got back in town and unfortunate it will they were running this promo where i fell off a horse because i was doing a fox drag. who falls off a horse but me? >> jimmy: well, it happens. >> you want to talk about ocho cinco and the things he does. here i am falling off a horse. anyway, so, coach lewis, i think he saw it, he called me a couple of times and i'm watching the phone and it's ringing, thank god for caller i.d. i didn't pick it up the first time. i circled around the tablele looked at the phone. and then i was like, okay, fine, i'll pick up the phone. mind you, i didn't have a contract, nothing signed. my agent was in the middle of negotiations. he was like, dawny.

i was like, yes, coach. how are you doing? doing fine, coach. he was like, tell me about the sport, because i want to live through you. i was taken aback. i would think that there might be some type of issues, but there was just support, you know? stepping out and doing something they love, and knowing about it, because, the fact they canan se it in the way they were traveling. i talk about it in the book, all the 20 countries, no matter how difficult it got, how many times i got kicked by a bull, got hit in the face by a surf board, you know, or got beat by 7-year-olds, i had a great time. >> jimmy: the bengals don't care, at all. by the way, ocho cinco is doing the same thing, but -- >> i think he's trying to follow in the foot steps. >> jimmy: he is ripping you off. >> he read the book. >> jimmy: you have talked to him about this? he played, what, soccer, right? >> already did it. >> jimmy: you had already done that. >> he rode the bull. i got kicked by the bull.

>> jimmy: that's unacceptable. it really is. he has to do his own thing. >> it happens. >> jimmy: do you guys get along well? >> we get along. he's quite a character. >> jimmy: i know. >> i love hanging out with him. i don't know about wrestling alligators and things like that. i tonigdon't note about the inse behind that. >> jimmy: he won't be doing those things? >> he said he's going to. i said i was going to do a lot of things, and i did do a lot. >> jimmy: well, it's very interesting. many references to how well endowed you are -- >> that's what the belt's for. >> jimmy: to keep everything in. the belt and the bow tie suggests things like that, right? >> jimmy: maybe not the bow tie so much. this is the book. it's called "the sportsman." dhani jones, everybody. we'll be right back with hannibalaluress. i like things stacked.

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>> jimmy: we are back. belly flop championship still to come. our next guest has a new cd, it's called "my name is hannibal." you can him live at the helium in philadelphia tomorrow through july 2nd and at zanies in chicago july 6th through 17th. please say hello to hannibal buress. [ cheers and applause ] >> hello. hello, america. i lost my debit card recently. it had five charges on it before i caught it. first charge, $30, chuck e. cheese. who goes to chuck e. cheese as soon as they find a debit card? are you serious? y, i just found this debit card. who's up for horrible pizza and whack-a-mole? let's go right now! who's down for flat pepsi and air hockey? lets get it while we can. time is of the essence, this

dude is about to cancel this card y'all. first charge, chuck e. cheese. second charge, $170 at target. third charge, $300 at walmart. fourth charge, $18 on gas. fifth charge, chuck e. cheese again. [ laughter ] what type of monster are you? you didn't have enough fun the first time? did my card get stolen by a 9-year-old? or by a bad broke father? well i hope they had a horrible time on the second outing. i hope the pizza made his family sick, and i hope his kids never learn to read. [ laughter ] then another time my card info got stolen. somebody was charging up crazy stuff in california. i live in new york. it was two separate $400 charges at barnes & noble. who balls out of control at barnes and noble? who's ever spent more than $80 at barnes and noble? and i hate visa fraud prevention

for not knowing that i'm not the type of guy to spend $800 in 30 minutes on books. you didn't want to call me visa and check that one out? well maybe hannibal went on a knowledge binge. no, i didn't go a knowledge binge, visa. you know that wasn't me. with your whole heart you know that wasn't me. you should have called me. because sometimes you call me for the silliest stuff. >> hey, mr. buress, we want to verify this $3 charge on bred two blocks from your house. [ applause ] yeah, that was me spending $3 on bread two blocks away from my house, but that wasn't me spending $800 on books across the country. then a $600 charge and bed, bath and beyond. so i know i was deeming with a woman, that loofah-buying bitch. how many body washes did she

need? i hope the sheets gave her family bed bugs, and i also hope her kids never learn to read. and if her kids already know how to read, i hope they forget how to read. [ applause ] i can't front, though. when i was 13, i found a credit card in the atm. i went straight to toys r us and rang up a playstation. me, a 13-year-old black kid with a credit card, and the name on it is john hammerschmidt. with full confidence, i hand them this card. they look at it, is this your card? it's my step-dad's car. i'm authorized. they say, can you stay right here? nah. not staying right here. that sounds very set-uppish, lady. let's go our separate ways. been traveling a bench. i was in indi i got a speeding ticket going

80 in a 60. the officer said, why are you going so fast? because this car is awesome. that's why i was going so fast. you should be happy i was only doing 80. this car got 160 on the dash. you should be applauding my restraint right now. [ applause ] why was i going so fast? because life is short and we're all going to die soon and i want to minimize the time i spend on indiana state road 37. [ applause ] i want to look back on my life. you know what, i spent too much time on the internet, but on indiana state road 37, the bare minimum. and officer, if you were really against speeding, why did you speed to get up to me?

you're a hypocrite. if you were really against speeding, you would have gone the speed limit and watched me speed in the other lane and shook your head and judged me. now we're both going fast and the road isn't any better for it. how are you going to say that i can't do what i did when you did the exact same thing that i did just to catch up to me to say "don't do that?" good night, y'all, thanks a lot. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hannibal buress, everybody. we'll be right back. what if you had up to 28 days of beautiful ?

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