george stephanopoulos, bianna golodryga will be live from the stock exchange to bring you the latest. we'll see you tomorrow. >> dicky: tonight on an all-new "jimmy kimmel live" -- jeremy piven. >> stand up! stand up! >> dicky: denise richards. >> jimmy: if tiger woods asked you on a date, would you go on a date with tiger woods? >> ah, let me think about that. >> dicky: and comedian todd glass. >> there you go. is that so bad? >> jimmy: no, no, no it's fine. >> you look good. >> jimmy: thank you. not everything is a joke. what's wrong with you people??3q take the finish challenge. my name is ashley and my blog is not without salt. when i take pictures of my food, you don't want to see spots on the dishes. i was using cascade actionpacs. they just didn't have that brilliant shine. when i took the finish challenge, i was thrilled. as soon as i opened up the dishwasher, i could tell there was a difference. my dishes had a shine on them. this little guy right here makes my dishes incredibly shiny. i'm moving on to finish quantum.

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>> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel for animal planet's new reality show, "hillbilly handfishing." let's take a look at the show. you're looking at something called noodling. if you haven't heard of it before, noodlers catch fish using nothing but hands and feet. no hooks. "hillbilly handfishing" focuses on one particular gentleman, and we'll see him r "hillbilly handfishing" focuses on one particular gentleman. that guy right there. skipper bivins. not only is skipper a fashionable man, he's the greatest noodler in the world. that is not a hippopotamus. these are catfish. on "hillbilly handfishing" skipper teaches city folk who come to oklahoma to visit him. the do's and don'ts of hookin' a cacaish with fingers and toes. or you can do it the way

guillermo does with no fingers and toes. right, guillermo? >> i did noodling with my noodle. >> jimmy: what was that guillermo? >> i did noodling with my noodle. >> jimmy: what? we can't hear you, guillermo. >> i did noodling with my noodles. >> jimmy: i think you're what they call a natural noodler, guillermo. >> dickey: "hillbilly handfishing," now on animal planet. >> jimmy: "jimmy kimmel live" is back in two minutes with denise richards, todd glass, music from kenny wayne shepherd and jeremy piven. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes with denise richards, todd glass, music from kenny wayne shepherd and jeremy piven. ♪

[ male announcer ] the new blackberry playbook. ♪ together we'll stand, divided we'll fall... ♪ [ male announcer ] it connects to your blackberry smartphone, using blackberry bridge. ♪ ...get on the ball and work together ♪ [ male announcer ] so you can enjoy the best of your phone, on your playbook. ♪ let's work together ♪ now, now, people ♪ because together we will stand... ♪ [ male announcer ] powerful. portable. playbook. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight -- jeremy piven. denise richards. comedian todd glass. and music from kenny wayne shepherd. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" >> dicky: and now, more than

likely, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi there. hi, everyone. well, thanks. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for coming. thank you for watching at home. i know at this hour there are so many weird things you could be doing to yourself instead. please know it does not go unappreciated. the national weather service has issued heated ed advisories in states. so, if you get hot now, that's on you. you were warned. does anyone need to be told that it's hot? aren't the melted sneakers clue enough for us? texas has it especially bad right now. some parts of texas have had temperatures over 100 degrees for more than a month. it's so hot in texas right now --

>> how hot is it? >> jimmy: it's so hot in texas right now that the elderly are at an increased risk of heat related death. [ rim shot ] >> jimmy: not everything is a joke.. what's wrong with you people [ laughter ] the stock market plunged today. the d d lost 512 points, which is a lot. the biggest one-day drop since 200 and the ninth biggest drop ever. remember when experts say we had to get the debt ceiling raised or thehe market wouldollapse? well, it collapsed. all my money is tied up in ski ball tickets. i can get any prize on any shelf i like. today was also president obama's 50th birthday. i can't believe -- [ applause ] already, it's been 50 years since his mother forged his birth certificate. obama worked this morning on his birthday then had a private party at the white house with friends and his family.

a white house official said today the obamas paid for the party themselves. that's how bad things are right now. the president has to buy his own balloons. and we had a birthday celebration here in hollywood for the president. courtesy mad dam tussaud's wax museum. >> president obama may be celebrating his 50th birthday this week, but hollywood really has its own way of marking the president's big day. the hollywood wax museum wheeled out its statue and -- >> jimmy: what a flattering likeness. and while obama may have turned 50 today, his approval rating turned 40%. it is the lowest approval rating yet. and 40% isn't terrible compared to other presidents at this stage of their first term. it is a concern with the election coming up. they need to get those numbers up. and it looks like they've come up with a pretty foolproof plan to do it. >> on may 2nd, on the

president's command, navy s.e.a.l.s shot osama bin laden and buried his body at sea. >> the united states has conducted an operation that killed osama bin laden, the leader of al qaeda. >> now, obamas back. watch as he flies to the middle east, captains a one-man submersible vehicle, voyages to the bottom of the ocean and shooting him again. obama shoots osama 2. this time, it's submersible. [ applause ] >> jimmy: worked the first time, why not? meanwhile, some good news for a change. this morning, snooki emerged from a hole in her hollowed out tree, which means ten more weeks of "jersey shore." season four of "jersey shore" -- [ applause ] premiered tonight on mtv. the air is thick with the smell of pick ms and axe body spray.

the cast is in italy this season. they're there as -- what's the opposite of ambassador? anyway, it is always exciting en the new season premieres, particularly for my aunt chippy. she really loves the show. she's a very positive person in general, and here now with her review, my aunt chippy's first look at the new season of "jersey shore." >> you ready? i'm ready, i'm ready and i'm done. this is aunt chippy, this is the fourth season of "jersey [ bleep ] shores," they're in italy. turn around with this crap. let's go. let's see what these [ bleep ] are going to do. okay, something exciting. oh, good. oh, they're licking each other. isn't that great if that something you want everybody to see? ah, you piece of [ bleep ].

i can't watch anymore. if you want to watch it on your screens, go do whatever you have to do. but i am not watching anymore. good night and sleep tigig. i'm going. i'm done. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we caught her in a good mood. as you saw there, on tonight's episode, after a long night of partying, dina made out with pauly d and j-woww had sex with the statue of david, so -- it was a riveting hour of television. and to make it even more so, we took the audio from tonight's premiere of "jersey shore" and we combined it with the video from a justice league cartoon. and the following is the result of our efforts in that area. >> my first night out in italy and going to the club, i cannot wait to get there. >> italy, get ready, because here we come. >> holy -- >> i put on a normal bra? or is this good? >> work it, girl.

>> i would work with those, too. >> dina does have some cute attributut. she has a fat ass, boobs. but she's just one of the guys. >> they look fake, right? >> if they could talk, they would say, i'm a good time, i'm a blast in a bra. >> they look like fun bags. >> oh, yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: very tan. elsewhere on television, some sad news. mostly for me. the muscular diystrophy association has announced that jerry lewis has been relieved of his dutieieas host of the telethon. i grew up in las vegas, i went to the telethon, i watch the telethon like a jaguar watches a baby ostrich. i don't know what i'm going to do without jerry. he embodied the telethon. you can't just bring mario lopez in to replace him. he's irreplaceable. couldn't they give him one more year?

jerry's given me so much joy over the last four decades, i wanted to honor him by showing some of his great telethon moments. so, roll the tape, and jerry this is for you. >> i would give anything to see the number up there, but south point put their [ bleep ] advertisement under it. hello? why don't i have the words so i can remember how to [ bleep ] sing this? can you slow that cal down? why is it so loud in here? i don't understand -- i do understand no hanky panninky anymore. i have wonderful porno stuff that i watch a lot. ♪ you are nothing at all

[ applause ] >> jimmy: he seemed very happy. i don't know why they would let him go. some big news in the world of golf today. after three months on the sidelines with an injury, tiger woods returned to play the bridgestone invitational in akron, ohio which is good. there's some talk they might replace him with ashton kutcher, but -- tiger finished tied for 18th today and he had a new caddy. he just fired his long-time caddy. tiger said the new caddy is only temporary. look at this. >> great tee shot here on the par 3. this birdie attempt. >> had a chance to go 1 under. stayed at even par. after a par at 2, this to save par from 17 feet at 3. always good to drop those early. third shot out of the bunker. and maybe this is the part of the game that will take a little bit more work. >> i was really -- >> oh, come to momma. >> to the 9th hole, he's got 20

feet. we talked about the par saving putttt they are great for momentuoment even for one of the former number one ranked players in the world. >> jimmy: they seem like a very good fit to me. maybe he'll reconsider. [ applause ] this is interesting. what's that round thing, the -- at night? the moon. [ laughter ] scientists at uc-santa cruz are now saying that the planet earth may at one time have had two moons. they think the smaller of the moons may have smashed into the other, leaving us with a single bulked up moon, which, great, even our moon has a weight problem. they say when the moons were lined up next to each other, it would happen every once in awhile, it was a spectacular sight. like following kim kardashian up an escalator. there's a new rheeality show premiering on ifc tomorrow called "whisker wars." it's about competitive beard

growing. this is a real thing. people, primarily men, will cultivate their beards all year to try to win. apparently germany dominates the competition, which seems weird, because hitler couldn't even grow a whole mustache. but it's interesting. this guy is apparently, like, a superstar in the sport of beard growing. his name is willie, and he's a man who has had much to overcome. >> in 2003, a tragic power drill accident nearly ended his career. >> it hit me in the face like this. and pulled out three quarters of my beard. i fell to the floor. in just a second, the story of my beard was over. >> jimmy: well, i don't know if that will ever be over. you know, power drills are the scourge of that industry. one more thing, it's time for our weekly tribute to the fcc, where we bleep and blur things

whether they need it or not. it's "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> i stuck my [ bleep ] out a mile to try to get an agreement with the president of the united states -- i stuck my [ bleep ] out a mile. >> on the front page of "the new yorktimes," it says boehner's grip on his [ bleep ]. >> well, we have more [ bleep ] drama on tap for today. >> people can [ bleep ] these animals? definitely. they love it. >> hell of a caddy. no denying that. he [ bleep ] my [ bleep ] and i think i [ bleep ] his as well. >> federal aviation administration remains in the middle of a [ bleep ] crisis. >> code word is [ [leep ]. >> my favorite moment of money in the bank is when i [ bleep ] you in the face. oh, oh, man it was great. >> get ready for the [ bleep ] shshow. >> for guys who appreciate a good [ bleep ] job. >> for him to tell me he's madly in love with him and i'm looking

at him and there's no a doubt in my mind that what he's saying is completely sincere. >> i beat your deadline. >> afraid not, jack. the task wasn't for you to [ bleep ] your mother. you had to rescue her. >> jimmy: we have a good show for you tonight. we have music from kenny wayne shepherd sitting in with cleto and the cletones. denise richards is here. standup comedy from todd glass. and we'll be right back with jeremy piven, so stick around. [ man ] this is my robot butler.

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>> jimmy: well, there you go. hey, we have a good show for you tonight. a woman who did multiple tours of duty with charlie sheen. this is her new memoir called "the real girl next door." denise richards is with us. and then, one of the finest stand-up comedians in all the world. you can see him live at the el rey theater here in l.a. on saturday. todd glass is here. todd is very weird. he hooks normal -- but he isn't. also tonight, a great guitarist, a platinum-selling recording artist. sitting in with the cletones tonight, kenny wayne shepherd. this is kenny's new album. it came out last week. it's called "how i go." kenny will be here all night and the "how i go" world tour starts friday, august 12th in ft. worth, texas. it's great to have you here with us, kenny. next week on the show, we'll have visits from jessica alba,

aziz ansari, chris harrison, steve martorano, jerry springer, jesse eisenberg. and we'll have music from eric church, luke bryan, and incubus. so join us for those shows. our first guest tonight is an emmy and golden globe-winning actor. he plays the most dangerous agent this side of james bond on "entourage." and you can see and smell him play three roles in the new movie "spy kids 4: all the time in the world" in 4-d aromascope. it opens in theaters august 19th. please welcome jeremy piven. [ cheersrsnd applause ] >> jimmy: you just made it. >> just made it. >> jimmy: you just raced right in. >> that's what we do. >> jimmy: last time you were here, you had just dropped your cell phone on "entourage" and real life. >> indeed. and it just continues. i'm having some problems -- i

don't have a good relationship with technology. >> jimmy: you're not one of these guys. >> i'm not. cee-lo green, who is now on "the voice." >> jimmy: "the voice," yeah. >> i met him, amazing dude, i was trying to check out his show. i missed him and we were texting each other and he said, you know, hey, man, i'm a big fan, and i was like, oh, my god, i am too, man, you know, and i'm sorry that i missed your show, we have to connect. and i never heard back from the dude and i was like, you know, that happens. but then i went back and i checked the text and it said, "i'm a very big fan of men. i would love to connect with you." and it's interesting. my cell is gay. >> jimmy: cell phone is game? >> it's fantastic. i don't judge. i am not gay so, there is some sort of a miscommunication.

>> jimmy: have you -- >> i haven't heard from him -- >> jimmy: you have not? >> no. he hasn't hit me back. >> jimmy: he got scared off? >> he ran for the hills. and i get it. i do get it. >> jimmy: that is a little odd to get something like that. but maybe he'll see this and maybe now -- >> do people watch this, jimmy? >> jimmy: not really. >> no, no. he's -- this man is huge. look at all these people here to celebrate hihi right? [ cheers and applause ] yes. get up! stand up! stand up! [ cheers and applause ] yes. hey. >> jimmy: i should have you and your boyfriend cee-lo over for dinner. >> yes, because of the laws here, we can make it official. >> jimmy: you mentioned something, because, a little, kind of a parallel going here, chchlie sheen's ex-wife denise richards is here tonight. you did your first movie, your

first motion picture with charlie sheen. >> 111 years ago. we were children. in a movie called "lucas." and i played a football player and i just graduated from high school and i actually played high school football and i thought i would never get a chance to put the pads on again, because there aren't any 5'9" jewish linebackers in the nfl. no one told me. >> jimmy: because you were a quitter. that's why. >> yes. so i went as far as i could. and then i got to put the pads back on again and be in "lucas," which was fun. we had a great time. and -- >> jimmy: did you actually quit the team or, to act or did you -- >> no -- >> jimmy: kind of run it out. >> no, i ran it out. but you know, i could have played division iii, but acting is safer than football. when i was in high school, i remember, like, we had homecoming and i ran out onto the field and i grew up in a

theater family, both my parents are actors and teachers and so i'm running out onto the field, my father, who was just a stage actor, until he decided, you know, i'm going to do -- when we grew up we were very poor. we grew up in an old folks home, literally. i thought everyone had a neck brace in the world. that's apparently not the case. so, he took a job and became uncle ben in uncle ben's rice. >> jimmy: what? >> and he's a white man. so, it's awkward. >> jimmy: wait a minute. your dad was uncle ben? >> correct. yes. >> jimmymythe uncle ben? >> yeah. your rice is all sticky and starchy. >> jimmy: and that was my father. people would dress up as him for halloween. i was tortured. >> jimmy: you were tortured? by classmates? >> yeah, jimmy. i haven't gotten over it. >> jimmy: your teammates would torture you? >> yeah, my old man would do king lear, we had a little

theater, it was amazing, and everyone knew him from this commercial, which put braces on my teeth, thank god. >> jimmy: wow. >> and he ran out onto the field, he came late. there wasn't a seat for him. and he ran out onto the field as we were running out and they announce my name. i was standing next to my father, and they all screamed "uncle ben" over and over again. that was my life. >> jimmy: that's weird. a dad who was also your uncle, in a way. we're going to take a quick break here. jeremy piven is with us. "spy kids 4" opens august 19th. we'll be right back.

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♪ >> that will stop your clock. watch your head. good news is, you'ral enough to go on all the rides. >> jimmy: hey, jeremy piven in "spy kids 4" and it opens on

august 19th. did you have to suck helium? >> i did. but it had nothing to do with that role. every morning i was lucky enough to play a handful of different characters and i've never had so much fun on a set in my entire life. >> jimmy: really? you like working with the kids? >> the kids were amazing. both kids are incredible. and joel mchale, not a big fan >> jimmy: terrible guy. >> he's really funny. ricky gervais. and jessica alba. it was just -- >> jimmy: good group to be apart of. >> really good clean fun. and that was one of the many voices. what happened was, i am in scenes with myself, so, they had to kind of tweak some of the voices a little bit. >> jimmy: to make it a little bit different. >> might as well. i would do my own thing and they had to, you know, spice it up a bit. >> jimmy: like when justin bieber sings, for instance. >> right. >> jimmy: there's a little something going on, right? >> yeah. i think that's because he's 11 seconds old. >> jimmy: that's right. i want to ask you about this,

because this is a photograph of, i know you like boxing a lot. there you are with manny pacquiao. is he a friend of yours? how well do you know manny? >> he's not a a fan of mine -- >> jimmy: i said friend. >> oh, i'm sorry. we are friends right now. i train with his guy, who is a -- >> jimmy: i like this, by the way. when you're with a boxer, you have to put your fist up. >> and look insane. i don't know -- >> jimmy: with baseball players, you don't, like, do this. it's a weird thing. that was at the fight, or -- >> that was at wild card, freddy trains him over at wildcard and i was there to watch him, because he's such a brilliant fighter. he gets stronger as the rounds on. and he just kind of fights like a tasmanian devil. he comes at you from all angles. i don't know what the variable was, but i was shooting "spy kids" and i jumped on a plane to go see him fight.

>> jimmy: which one? >> it was right after the koto fight. and i got to his room right before the fight and he was eating a large tray of chicken and rice and stuffing his face and giggling. and i -- and hey, how are you? he's been on the show a million times. >> jimmy: was it kuncle ben's rice? >> my father was in the kitchen. >> jimmy: unbelievable. >> my life came together. >> jimmy: he's just sitting there eating before the fight? >> he was. he was saying, i'm so stuffed, i can't even move. manny, i'm confused, did i miss the fight? no, no, we're going to fight. and he is the sweetest, happiest guy on the planet.. and he was so stuffed he couldn't move. and yet we all got in these cars and went to the stadium and then he just pounded this gentleman into submission. i mean, he's a warrior, but he doesn't -- i guess he's worked so hard, you know, once he gets in the ring, it's a switch. he switches it on.

but he's just a zen master. >> jimmy: we found the secret. it's chicken and rice. >> it is. i think we stuff you with chicken and rice and you'd be a warrior. >> jimmy: great to see you. jeremy piven, everyone. you can see him in "spy kids 4" opening in theaters august 19th. we'll be back with denise richards. ♪ let me entertain you ♪ let me make you smile ♪ let me do a few tricks ♪ some old and then some new tricks ♪ ♪ i'm very versatile ♪ so let me entertain you ♪ and we'll have a real good time ♪ [ male announcer ] the new hp touchpad. get it now for $100 off, starting at $399.99. ♪

they're kind of my thing. and they were looking... nasty. vile. but i used tide and tide booster, and look at them now! now they can be my thing forever. yay. that's my tide. what's yours? i use tide sport because it helps get odors out of athletic clothes. i mean, i wear my yoga pants for everything. hiking, biking, pilates... [ woman ] brooke... okay. i wear yoga pants because i am too lazy for real pants. that's my tide. what's yours?

>> jimmy: yeah, that's kenny wayne shepherd on guitar. good night to be here inhe studio, i'll tell you. that our next guest is an actress, a reality tv star, a former bond girl and ex-wife of a war lock. now, she adds author to that list with a new memoir called "the real girl next door." please say hello to denise richards. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for coming. >> thanks for having me. >> jimmy: are those hard to walk? >> do they look hard? my dress is very tight so, this is hard to walk in. >> jimmy: i got you. >> the shoes are fine. >> jimmy: everything is designed not really for practical use but

attractiveness and works quite well. congratulations on the book doing so well. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: you must be excited. [ applause ] i think -- you find that people have a new perspective on you now that we realize how crazy your ex-husband is? slash was? >> i've had a lot of support. it's been lovely. >> jimmy: did charlie like the fact you wrote the book? >> yeah, he was very supportive. he knew it wasn't a tell-all that i handled everything, you know, pretty good, i think. >> jimmy: it's a tell some? >> it's a tell some. exactly. that's what i say. >> jimmy: you did tell some good things. >> thank you. >> jimmy: for instance, that night in new york when the whole kind of thing started, really, like, there was -- there was dinner, you were in new york. >> there was a dinner. daughters, i was working and one night he wanted to go out to dinner with just us and i thought -- and some friends, he said, and i thought, this is

really cool. we can be here with the kids, go out with just ourselves, be grown-ups and cordial. he went ahead without me. i got the kids settled and my driver took me to the restaurant where they were and i sat down between charlie and a friend of his and there was four women at the tablbland a couple other guys and so i just thought -- they were kind of looking at me weird. i thought, you know, this will be interesting. and the guy next to meaid he was married with kids. i said, oh, is that your wife. and he goes, no. so, i'm like, oh. so, i said to the women, how long, when did you guys all meet. and they said, "tonight." so, they were hookers. it didn't take meong to figure out. but i thought, okay, i can be a grown-up about this and suck it up and have a nice meal with all these people. it's not my place to judge what they do for a living, right? >> jimmy: right, sure. >> so, charlie went to the bathroom and as he was going, i say this in the book, too, said

to christiti capri, don't blindside denise with what you do for a living. she's like, i'm pretty sure she knows. so, she sat in charlie's spot, he went to the bathroom. and i'm giving her advice about her boyfriend. if she even had one. and saying she didn't know if e should tell him if she's a prostitute. she gets into thee whole long story about -- >> jimmy: what did you say? did you think she should tell him? >> no, i'm like -- [ laughter ] no, i said, i think i would probably not say anything but i'm pretty sure he knows now, right? >> jimmy: yeah. >> i was nervous because i took a picture withh her before i knw she was -- in entertainment. >> jimmy: right. >> and so in my head i'm like, my god, i took a picture with this prostitute. no offense to anyone that does that, but -- [ laughter ] but she told me her dad didn't

know what she did so, i thought, okay, cool. she won't -- but it still -- >> jimmy: charlie is unbelievable. it's almost lovable, his optimism. this will be great, i'll invite you out for dinner and we'll have a nice dinner, me, you and the hookers. >> it was -- i was okay, because i wasn't going to judge anything but the night got crazy and i didn't want to be a buzz kill, so -- >> jimmy: of course. >> so, i excused myself from the got -- nd then things just >> jimmy: things went crazy. we know what happened that night. >> yeah. >> jimmy: but the idea that everyone could kind of come together, that seems to be a recurring theme with charlie. didn't he want you to live in a complex he was planning. >> yeah. well, before that, he wanted me -- he was very excited to tell me about his new family. the porn family. >> jimmy: the goddddses? >> yes. and he wanted me to move in with all of them. >> jimmy: sure. >> which was a kind invitation,

but, okay, i've had to you go through a lot. i cannot exexain this to the kids. i was just -- >> jimmy: that's a tough one. >> yeah. >> jimmy: so you opted not to do that. >> i didn't. >> jimmy: and did he seem disappointed? i'm not going to come live with the porn family? >> yes. but things happened after that. it's like one thing after another. it got a little crazy. >> jimmy: i know you just adopted a little girl. >> i did. >> jimmy: congratulations. [ applause ] >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: which is easier to take care of. new baby or charlie? >> the new baby. >> jimmy: the new baby. but i do have charlie down. i know how to take care of him. not that way. nothing sexual here. we have a brother-sister relationship now. >> jimmy: i got you. but the baby is very exciting. >> jimmy: are your two girls enjoying the baby. are they jealous? >> they have been so amazing.

and when i first adopted her, we wanted to keep her private and just have nice private bonding time with her and so, you know, body knew about her and when anyone would come to the house, the girls would scream, "hide the baby!" and they would return with her bassinette down the hall. >> jimmy: like their father, they're hiding women. >> exactly. it starts early in the sheen family. >> jimmy: : guess so. you dated a lot of famous guys and you talk about some of that stuff in the book. if tiger woods asked you on a date, would you go on a date with tiger woods? >> ah, let me think about that. no. >> jimmy: no? what if he just wanted you to move into a compound with a porn family? >> only if there's prostitutes and porn stars, sure. >> jimmy: i think he can make that happen, probably. this is the book. it's called "the real girl next door." it's available now. denise richards, everybody. we'll be right back with todd glass. [ male announcer ] this top stylist tested

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>> jimmy: hi there, we are back. kenny wayne shepherd sitting in with the cletos. our next guest is very talented comedian. he has two big shows this saturday night here in los angeles and his new podcast, the todd glass show, launches august 12th. please welcome the wonderful todd glass. [ cheers and applause ] >> a a well, i have -- i grew up, i have dig lex ya, and so i don't really know south and west. i get directions -- i always ask people, just say right or left.

they said, head south. right or left, i don't know south. right or left? it's south, it's easy. just get off the exit, head towards the ocean. will i see the ocean? because it's not going to help me if i don't see the ocean. they say, well, you're heading towards the ocean, you're not going to head to the mountain if you're going to the ocean. yes i will. yes, i wilil hawaii has an ocean near the mountain. you know the type of directions i want? just tell me what i'm going to see if i've gone too far. that's the type i like. people go, oh, no, with my directions, you're not going to go too far. yes, i will. what is your problem? i always see what i'm going to say, what peoplpl see i'm going to see. they go, if you go too far you're going to see a burger king. i'm like, all right, i drive, i see the burger king, i go, okay, i went too far. there's the burger king, i'll turn around. everything's good. when i was little, probably

because of dyslexia, i didn't do very good in school and my parents would find good things to say. in hind sigh, sight, it took a bit of time with . look at todd. huh? what an appetite. he can eat a whole pizza. i was like, oh, thank you. let's deal with something right here right now and put it to rest. from now on, you know when people say, "i don't watch tv." what do they want? and let's start giving it to them. okay? what do they want? you know they're not just -- you know who you are, those people, i don't watch tv, justt give thm what they want. what? oh, my god! we got a smart person over here! they don't watch tv! they're better than everybody! oh, my god! i was just speaking. how many documentaries have you

seen? are you like a poet? oh, my god, you're more evolved than me. i'm going to give my children up forr adoption and let you raise them. [ applause ] i didn't -- it was good but then it -- my fault, it peaked towards the end a little bit. i feel like it because i'm -- jimmy. are you reading a book? >> huh? >> let me come -- you know, like, when big stars come out, they come over there and they sit over there? let me sit over there. let me just sit over there. >> i'm sorry, i was glancing at the book. it's stand-up, so you probably should -- >> let me just move over a little. >> jimmy: they call it stand-up. it's stand-up comedy. i'm sorry. i didn't mean to distract you. >> you're not listening. maybe i'll just come right over here. come on. like, right here? >> jimmy: it's fine if you want to -- >> jimmy, you're going -- let me just sit in this chair.

come on. you ask me stories. >> jimmy: it's going to be easier for you if you are standing at the -- >> you know, you're being a [ bleep ]. hold on. >> jimmy: i don't mean to be, i'm just -- fine, if you want to sit there, go ahead. >> let me just sit here. right here. oh. oh, this is so nice. ah. there you go. is that so bad? >> jimmy: i don't know. >> you look good. >> jimmy: thank you, thank you. >> you do look good. so, just interview me, you know, like you do when the big stars come out. interview me, like, about stuff from my act. >> jimmy: oh. about stuff from your act? >> ask me a queseson. like -- there you go, huh. ask me about my aunt. hey, how's your aunt? i heard your aunt -- >> jimmy: i think it would be better if you went back to the thing. >> no, this is fun. jimmy, you're not -- >> jimmy: i want to ask you, how is your aunt doing? >> it's funny, because, you know, i was home a few weeks ago and she was over the house. she likes to eat.

and she tries to rationalize while she's eating. she'll be like, oh, my god, these oreos are so good -- i just messed up the joke on tv. >> jimmy: that's why i told you -- >> can i tell you -- i feel like i'm uncomfortable. let me just -- jimmy, why don't you go stand over there. >> jimmy: i'm the host of the show. [ applause ] >> jimmy. >> jimmy: how -- >> jimmy, go stand over there! see what it feels like, please. >> jimmy: all right, i will stand over there and see what it feels like. it feels the same as sitting over there. why are you in my desk? why are you at my desk? >> ah, i love this. you don't understand, folks. this feels so good right now. i -- i would -- oh, my god. no, that looks bad. i would -- i would stab my girlfriend in the head to have this show. i would. just so nice and you got your

stuff. look at this. you got your cough drops. i can imagine you had an assistant run out to get them for you. you have the pencils like letterman. hey, look at me, how do you like that? you got -- by the way, this is stuff off of -- you doing all right over there? >> jimmy: i'm fine. >> how does it feel? >> jimmy: it feels a little awkward. >> you got your nail clipper. that's w wt jimmy does when the actor is boring. an actor will be telling a story, he's like, oh, yeah, that's real good. you got the nail clippers. the tissues. excuse me. so -- how -- i don't know what to do now. this is harder than i thought. do a joke. >> jimmy: i don't have any jokes. [ applause ] the idea was -- >> do a joke, jimmy about your aunt eating cookies. >> jimmy: that's not my aunt. that's your aunt that likes to

eat. i didn't even really get to hear the end of the joke and that's actually why i was suggesting it would be better if you stood here. >> i don't usually admit i'm wrong, next time i'm going to do the set from over there. >> jimmy: i appreciate that. >> let me finish up. let me go through a few things. next week on the show -- >> jimmy: you have plugs? >> i have some things -- i have business. >> jimmy: i'm sorry. i didn't me to interrupt. you go right ahead. i'll just stand over here. >> okay. next week -- i think it will give you perspective. you're the only host ever in the history of this business to know what it's like to stand over there. >> you're right. thank you. [ applause ] >> next week on the show, jessica alba, we have chris harrison, jerry springer and jesse eisenberg. music from eric chush ch, luke bryan and incubus. i'll be at the el rey theater this saturday. i'm just learning to look into

the camera. i'll be at the el rey theater this saturday and'll be at the irvin improve the week after next, go find it out. and also, i want to thank c-rock for cutting my mom's lawn in philadelphia and dr. ryan hoffman who is going to give me mom a little tuck. and, there we go. hey, guess what? when we come back, we are going to hear music from one of my favorites, kenny wayne shepherd. we'll be right back. y